Squeezing the Blush from the Day

This morning’s cool temperatures remind me that summer is winding down; if it were to wind down quickly, I would not complain. Coupled with blue skies and lower humidity, today’s cool start triggered an earnest interest in walking. Today, unfortunately, is not the day, as I have obligations of all sorts early on and lasting through mid-afternoon. But, assuming the weather cooperates—even if not as beautifully as this morning—I will commence my delayed return to early morning walks very soon. As I envision it now, I will walk early, even before my first cup of coffee, returning home to enjoy a strong French roast while I focus on writing for a while. Then, as the day matures and my adventurous culinary interests awaken, I intend to explore ideas that, heretofore, have resided only in my dreams.

If I were permitted to eat grapefruit (which is out of season, I realize), I would find an errant fruit this morning, caressing it gently, just enough to squeeze the blush from the day. But, alas, the misaligned season forces me to grudgingly take a medication prescribed solely to steer old people away from grapefruit so that the young may partake with abandon. Pharmaceutical companies are run by devious bastards, criminals controlled by the youth lobby.

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Two Poems

FireplaceI don’t recall precisely when I wrote the following poems, but I remember the emotions that underpinned their writing. They are as fresh when I read them now as the days I wrote them. That is what poetry does for the writer; or, at least, it’s what poetry does for me. A poem seizes and preserves an emotion, a state-of-mind, that might otherwise dissolve into the mist of experience, available only through the fog of memory. The reason these two poems came to mind is that I agreed to offer up some of my poems to be posted on the website for the writers’ group to which I belong; samples of members’ work. So, I waded through some of my poems and these two were among the ones I offered and they were the two the webmaster selected.  I may or may not have posted these on my blog  before (I think not); regardless, here they are:

Armature
© 2015, John Swinburn

You and I have lived this life for an eternity,
detritus of our dashed dreams serving as bricks
and the two of us as mortar, cobbling together
this fragile, monumental tower where we reside.

We have scuffed our emotions against sharp
sentimental objects so many times they have
shredded into strings like worn cotton,
as soft and ephemeral as clouds.

The scowls and snarls of daily battles
between us have become so comfortable
I know I could not live without them and
the easy fit between us they concede.

I would not last an instant without them or you,
sitting in your study behind a closed door, book in hand,
exploring fantasies and frustrations by proxy of writers
who know you without ever having met you.

I would crumple into the useless hulk I have always been
were you not there to inflate my emptiness into a
figure in which you somehow find substance,
a man only you, in your wisdom and courage, could love.


Unearned Guilt
© 2016, John Swinburn

I love the sound bonfires make at the
height of their combustion, when
crackling wood erupts in an
explosive burst, when
yellow and red and orange tongues
of flame twist in frenetic dances,
lapping at the sky.

But then I think about the transformation
of wood into smoke, of solid into gas,
I wonder whether my delight is
moral, whether the audible
evidence of that metamorphosis
is actually the death scream of the
remnants of a tree.

The energy of a rainstorm fills me
with awe and deep appreciation
as I watch black clouds swirl
and convulse, dancing with
wind and water amid electrifying shows
of lightning and bone-shattering
claps of thunder.

Yet gratitude ebbs when I consider that
floods and fury might befall those
submerged under the deluge or
struck by those blue fingers
while I enjoy unholy entertainment
in the relative safety of distance
and good fortune.

Remorse is a privilege earned through participation,
fanned with the flames of earnest intent,
not through coincidental luck or unseen
advantage received by mistake.
Thus self-censure through conscience
has no rightful claim; it is blame by
unearned guilt.

Posted in Poetry | 4 Comments

Let Me Just Say मैं खाना पसंद है और खाना मुझे प्यार करता है।

Tonight’s dinner was a success, so say I. I futzed around on the internet bright and early this morning in search of Indian recipes I might like to try for dinner. I found dozens of interest. But, based on level of difficulty and required time, I opted to go for a few recipes that required only a trip to the Kroger in Hot Springs as opposed to the Indian markets in Little Rock.

Palak Chicken1One of the two new recipes I opted to make I found on SimpleIndianRecipes.com. The recipe, for palak chicken, the darker dish in the bottom of the photo (AKA palak gosht) is a richly-spiced chicken and spinach dish that incorporates tomatoes, onions, Greek yoghurt, and various other ingredients. I adapted the recipe to suit ingredient availability, but I doubt the flavor was altered appreciably. The one ingredient I did not have, “Ginger Garlic Green Chilly paste,” seemed simple enough to replicate; I simply zapped fresh ginger, a couple of cloves of garlic, and a seeded Serrano pepper in the mini food processor; it didn’t turn into paste, but I think it probably fit the taste profile just fine.

I also made “five-minute Indian style cabbage,” which I liked even more than I expected. Again, I adapted the recipe I found online, but I doubt my modifications made any taste-altering changes to the dish. In the photo, the dish is pictured on the left. Finally, I made an old standby, raita, that always pleases me. The combined flavors and textures of yoghurt, cucumbers, diced green onions, cilantro, ground coriander, cumin, salt, and lemon juice are enough to make a bad day seem tolerable; today wasn’t a bad day, so it topped the day off in a spectacular way.

The upshot of all this is as follows: मैं खाना पसंद है और खाना मुझे प्यार करता है।. That is to say (using my very best Hindi), “I love food and food loves me.”

Posted in Food | 2 Comments

Hope and Sadness

Today could be one of those days that slips into the mist without so much as a whimper. This Friday might slink off into the corroded dustbin of history, skirting recognition as a time worth remembering and shirking its responsibilities for giving the calendar a reason for being. On the other hand, this extraordinary mid-August day, if that’s what it becomes, has the potential for greatness; the opportunity to go down in the annals of peace as the commencement of  a time free of war and conflict, or a day during which a cure for cancer or MLS or Alzheimer’s disease is found.

The sun need not rise for this day to make, or mask, its mark on history. A ceasefire in Syria, one that actually holds, could be announced, perhaps. Or the political stage in the U.S. could—for just a day—be empty, allowing us all to breathe air untainted by lies, corrupt proclamations, and narcissism of epic proportions. A full day, beginning before daylight and ending well after nightfall, could usher in nothing new at all; a boring day so much like other boring days that historians in years hence will be unable to differentiate it from thousands and thousands of other days.

I see potential  in the pre-dawn darkness. As a quixotic optimist, I see opportunities for this day to leave an ever-lasting and beautiful mark on humanity. But I am an unwilling realist, too. Today, like every day before it, could reveal the ugliness that I too often associate with humanity.

The only piece of history available to me to make is my own. Like most history, it will go unrecorded and unremembered. But my little piece of history is subject to my personal investment of time, thought, and energy; along with imponderables and influences outside my control. But that’s nothing new. Every day, remarkable or not, is like that. And so ends a minor rant tinged with hope and sadness.

Posted in Just Thinking, Philosophy | Leave a comment

Culinary Compromise

A few days ago, I posted about my love affair with food. I mentioned the dilemma facing me; namely, that I intended to go on phase one of the South Beach Diet, a diet that might be incompatible with my intense interest in Korean food. I have reached a compromise with myself that solves the dilemma: I will willingly deviate only slightly from phase one so I can eat Korean food, but the Korean food I eat will be adjusted to minimize the use of ingredients not permitted in phase one.  Here are two recipes for items on tonight’s menu, showing my adjustment in the first one; the second has been adjusted by a sharp reduction in the amount of sugar I’ll use:

Sweet and Spicy Korean Cauliflower

Ingredients

  • 1 medium head of cauliflower, core and outer leaves removed, broken into bite-sized pieces
  • 3 cloves garlic, minced
  • 1 inch piece of ginger, peeled and grated
  • 1½ tablespoons gochujang
  • 1½ tablespoons soy sauce
  • 2 teaspoons rice vinegar
  • 1½ teaspoons toasted sesame oil
  • 1½ teaspoons honey or brown sugar
  • 2 scallions, both white and green parts, trimmed and sliced into ¼-inch pieces
  • neutral oil (such as canola or grapeseed) for roasting the cauliflower

Instructions

  1. Preheat oven to 425°F. Add the garlic, ginger, gochujang, soy sauce, rice vinegar, sesame oil, and honey or brown sugar to the bowl of a food processor (or blender or stick blender) and puree until smooth.
  2. In a large mixing bowl, toss the cauliflower with neutral oil to coat it. Spread it out in a single layer on a baking sheet and sprinkle with salt (use restraint here, you want to season the vegetable, but there’s plenty of saltiness in the sauce).
  3. Roast for 25-30 minutes or until deeply browned. Toss with the sauce in a large bowl. Top with scallions.

Korean-Inspired Tangy & Spicy Napa Cabbage Salad

Ingredients

6 oz. shredded or thinly sliced Napa cabbage
2 radishes

Dressing

  • 2 Tbsp toasted sesame seeds
  • ½ teaspoon white sugar
  • 3 Tbsp rice vinegar
  • ½ tsp fine sea salt
  • 4 Tbsp water
  • 1 Tbsp gochujang (Korean chili paste)
  • 3 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Directions

  1. Thinly slice the cabbage. Rinse and soak cabbage in water for 2 to 3 mins. Drain the water and air dry while preparing the other ingredients.
  2. Rinse the radishes in cold water and clean/trim the root and stems. Thinly slice them.
  3. Grind the toasted sesame seeds in a mortar until fine. Mix all the dressing ingredients in a bowl.
  4. Serve the desired amount of cabbage and radish on a plate and add the dressing on top.
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Thoughts on Dignity and the Disposal of Corpses

As we pulled into the driveway yesterday afternoon from an art exhibit to which our friends and neighbors Bill and Carole had invited us, I noticed something in the driveway just outside the left side of the garage door. On first glance, it looked like a small squirrel, but on closer inspection, after we had pulled into the garage and I had parked, I could see that it was a large bird, a dead bird. Having participated in a bird identification workshop offered by the Hot Springs Village Audubon Society a year or so ago, I recognized it as a Brown Thrasher.

My wife did not see the dead bird. When I mentioned it, she said, “I don’t want to see it.” She circled around the front of the car and along the wall to get to the door leading into the house as I closed the garage door, shielding her from the view.

I considered whether I should dispose of the bird’s body immediately, but decided to let it wait. Perhaps a scavenger, a fox or coyote or vulture, would come across it and take it away; that’s the natural order of things, I reasoned. I wondered what might have caused the bird’s death; could it have simply slammed into the garage door during flight, breaking its neck? Might it have been the victim of a hawk’s talons and beak? I saw no obvious evidence of injury.

Perhaps the bird simply died of old age. I’ve often wondered about the natural course of life for birds and, for that matter, all sorts of wild animals. What is their old age like? Do they wither and, eventually, simply succumb to the natural decline of age, or are they more apt to be killed and eaten as they become less capable of defending themselves? I’d like to read an essay by a knowledgeable naturalist or ornithologist about the death of birds. It’s not morbid curiosity, is it? Isn’t it just simple curiosity?

This morning, I opened the garage door in preparation for taking the trash to the street for pickup by sanitation crews later in the day. I saw the dead bird, still in the same place as yesterday afternoon. I slipped on a pair of disposable latex gloves, picked up the bird, and put it in one of the two bags I took to the street. The act of discarding a corpse in such a way seemed undignified and heartless to me; I felt as if I should have taken the bird’s body to a spot for a proper burial or placed it on a rock in the woods for appropriate disposal by carrion-eaters. Yet the former option is, indeed, unnatural and I’d already tried the latter (albeit only overnight) to no avail. So I sit and wonder about the callousness of throwing a body, even a bird’s body, in the trash. Eventually, it will no doubt be consumed by ants (some of which had already begun to feast on it and which joined the corpse in the trash sack).

Death is natural. Though I don’t know the matter of this bird’s death, I know its death was inevitable, as is it for every living creature. So, perhaps the manner of disposal is not important. Given enough considered rational thought, we might all come to believe that the appropriate disposal of bodies, whether human or found bird, after death is the province of sanitation workers and not funeral directors.

Posted in Death, Just Thinking, Philosophy | Leave a comment

Focus

 

Rain has derailed my plans to take early morning walks, now, two days in a row. In my opinion, it’s Nature’s intrusion into such intended behaviors that makes treadmills appealing. I’ve used treadmills before, though I don’t own one and never have. I’ve thought about buying a treadmill, but issues such as where I’d put it and how often I might use it argue, albeit weakly, that I don’t have sufficient rationale to get one.  That weak argument, to which I’ve almost eagerly submitted myself, suggests a lack of commitment. I don’t like a lack of commitment. Perhaps I need to reexamine my arguments. Or, perhaps, I should rejoin the fitness center. Ah, but I don’t much like demonstrating my ineptitude at exercise publicly. Oh, I have reasons aplenty for avoiding commitment to healthy behaviors. Didn’t I just say I don’t like a lack of commitment? Therein lies the problem. Hypocrisy in plain view.

Actually, if I could use the fitness center before it opens for business—if I could be the only client during my exercise regimen—I am relatively sure I’d make the drive to the center every day so I could exercise in private. So, if that’s the case, what’s my argument that I would not use a treadmill here at home? My argument is falling apart, that’s what my argument is.

Hmmm. I wandered away from this post-in-progress for awhile and now I realize I have nothing else to add. So, as a means of reminding myself to focus, I’m posting this as-is.

 

Posted in Health, Insomnia | 4 Comments

Deviant Vignette

Death came unexpectedly at 4:34 p.m. on Wednesday, June 24. Milford Grey Oberweis napped on his leather loveseat, as was his practice, on that day. He expected to greet Julia Smithers at 6:30 p.m. for dinner but, instead, he died almost two hours before the appointment. He would have let Julia know, but he was dead so he was powerless to keep her from the unpleasantness of finding his cold, limp corpse.

Julia knocked repeatedly. When she got no answer, she opened the door a crack and peered in. Nothing. So she pushed on the door and strode into the monstrous house. Julia called out with a strong voice: “Hello? Hello Is anybody home?” Of course, there was no answer as Julia walked into the living room. There, motionless on the loveseat, was the dead body of Milford Grey Oberweis. Were Julia an average woman, she would have fainted and/or called the police. But Julia Smithers wasn’t average. She was far from it. So, instead, she called Glitz Dolores.

“Glitz, I think I may have an opportunity. Can you come? Soon?”

Posted in Fiction, Writing | 3 Comments

Education Trumps Racism: Give Peace a Chance

I mentioned at the end of last month that I would participate in an online discussion dealing with racism, with a focus on racism leading to the death of young Black men at the hands of police. My interest in the topic, and the reason I agreed to participate, is based on my deep desire to see the racial divide in this country heal. And I believe it can’t happen without person-to-person dialog. So, I agreed to lead a conversation. I will expose myself, with all my biases intact I guess, to a mostly Black (that’s my assumption) audience and try to open communication with them in the interest of working toward healing. I realize I’m just one man who has little to no influence on the larger world, but (in the words of the sponsor), “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem.” And I do believe that. I sincerely hope the people who read this post will be willing to commit to two hours to listen and, if they choose, participate in what I believe has the potential of being an important conversation about race and healing racial divides.

Here’s the text (with grammatical errors and spelling corrected…I can’t help myself) that appeared on the sponsor’s Facebook page today, announcing the event:

Can education trump racism? John Swinburn, the leader of the conversation on “Courageous Conversations About Education” – ‘Ask A Teacher’ says, “I wish I could change history…and I understand I enjoy white privilege; but I realize I can’t—simply because I’m a white man—understand the extent of privilege I enjoy.” Sunday, August 21, 7pm, ET; PHONE: (425)440-5100, Pin: 119398#; WEB: http://iTeleseminar.com/87694203.

I will be most grateful for my friends if they will contribute their time and open-mindedness to listen in and, perhaps, participate. Here’s the image promoting the event:

 EducationTrumpsRacism
Posted in Peace, Philosophy, Racism | 2 Comments

Simple Joys

The morning’s routine began early, a bit before five o’clock. An attempt to go back to sleep after a 4:30 pee break was unsuccessful so I slid out of bed, pulled on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and ventured out into the world beyond the bedroom door. Just as I expected, the kitchen was still there, waiting for me. When I entered the kitchen to make my first cup of Kuerig-style coffee (San Francisco Bay French Roast), I remembered my wife’s request that I make a small batch of congee with pork for breakfast. So, after making my first cup of coffee, I went in search of chicken stock. Normally, we keep a box or two of chicken stock in the cupboard, but I discovered I must have used the last of it. No worries, we keep chicken bouillon cubes for just such emergencies.

Until this morning, I had never taken note of the difference in appearance, and aroma, of real chicken stock and the reconstituted version derived from bouillon cubes and water. The latter is much darker than the real thing and has something of a chemical odor. Time will tell whether today’s batch of congee is acceptable. Regardless of the visual and olfactory surprises, I moved ahead as planned by bringing three cups of water, one-half cup of rice, and a two-inch knob of peeled fresh ginger (cut into smaller bits) to a boil. I continued by browning a quarter of a pound of ground pork, slicing and cooking a shallot in oil until it was completely browned, and slicing a few green onions. The shallot and onion will be garnish, as will white pepper and, for my dish, soy sauce and sambal oeleek.

Now that the congee is finished and ready to be served, I can hardly wait until my wife arises from her slumbers. After breakfast, I will pick up the paper for some vacationing neighbors and will then join some friends at a nearby coffee shop for catch-up and conversation. Following that interlude, I’ll pick up a few odds and ends at a grocery store, pick up the mail at the post office, and stop in to the Suddenlink office to inquire about switching our television service from DirecTV to Suddenlink; provided they agree to move the incoming service from one end of the house to a place more central (you see, wifi at the end of the house opposite the modem and router is too often iffy).

Later today, a couple of friends from Dallas will arrive and we will sit and chat with them, perhaps take them to lunch, and otherwise do a bit of catch-up.

For some reason that I do not understand, today’s litany of the mundane in my life gives me great pleasure. I understand and appreciate that I am indeed fortunate to have such a day before me. So very many people around the world and throughout the United States do not have the simple luxuries that I too often take for granted. So many people lack the sense of safety and security I find normal.

Posted in Just Thinking | 1 Comment

Food, Glorious Food

ChorizoTacosThere is no question that I enjoy food; eating it, cooking it, serving it, even taking pictures of it. I realize there exists a thriving industry in mocking people who post photos of food, but that doesn’t bother me. I can only pity those who do not understand and appreciate the beauty of something that makes our lives possible: the sustenance of food.

For example, the photo here shows how attractive corn tortillas are when topped with chorizo, marinated purple onion, red bell peppers, carrots, queso fresco, cilantro, and a delightfully tangy and creamy sauce. No, this was not last night’s dinner; the photo was taken in November 2014. I kept it because I treasure the memory of eating that meal, the recipe for which my wife found and decided to try. She enjoys trying new recipes almost as much as I, though lately I’ve been the one with more fire in the belly to create truly outlandish combinations.

KimchiBakedBeansPorkChopLately, my interests have veered toward fusion food using Korean cuisine as the common denominator. My long-held interest in Korean cuisine surfaced anew recently when I stumbled upon someone else’s recipe for kimchi baked beans . I made the dish (shown in the photo with a pork chop and a few side veggies), which was quite tasty—not stunningly good—but which introduced me to a fermented rice and pepper paste that forms a flavor profile that infuses much Korean cooking: gochujang. Much to my surprise, I found gochujang at Kroger’s in Hot Springs. I decided after making the baked beans that I would seek out other Korean recipes and give them a try. Thus far, I’ve assembled a small list of dishes I will make over the coming months. Unlike the gochujang, though, several other ingredients I will need to make the recipes will require a trip to Little Rock to K Oriental Store.

My revived interest in Korean food comes on the heels of my acknowledgement that I desperately need to shed a number of pounds that I allowed to mount up before, during, and after our trip to France. Several months before that trip, I committed to myself that I would lose 52 pounds by year-end; because of my abandonment of that commitment, unless I carve off a leg, that’s not going to happen. But I will remove the weight I’ve gained and then some. The way I’ll do it is, first, to spend about four weeks on a slightly modified version of phase one of the South Beach diet. Then, I will focus on getting exercise and eating right, the latter which means small portions of foods that are not laden with carbs and sugar and the like. This presents a bit of a challenge for my desire to pursue Korean cooking, but I am not one to be bound by maintaining “authenticity” in ethnic cuisines. (In my opinion, “authenticity” is a word that does not belong in conversations about ethnic foods except with respect to flavor profiles and, even then, adjustments must be made to accommodate the availability, or lack thereof, of certain ingredients.)

After a visit by friends later this week, I will begin a morning regimen of walking some of the trails in around Hot Springs Village. My breakfast regimen will not change from what we already eat; we eat very healthy breakfasts now (an egg or a quarter of a cup of egg substitute, a piece of Canadian bacon, tomato juice and, occasionally, a piece of fruit or a radish). Lunches, too, will remain much as they are; typically, I have a tin of kippered herring or sardines, some tomatoes, a radish or two, and a sliced tomato. But dinner will change to smaller portions, with am emphasis on removing carbs and, later, reintroducing them in lower doses and on rare occasion.

Back to my central theme here: I love food. So, to be successful, my efforts to lose weight and keep it off must not sacrifice my ability to follow my passion for flavor. I expect to find creative ways to make Korean and Korean-inspired dishes without using much if any sugar (a key component in many Korean dishes). And I will use substitutes for another key component, rice; cauliflower is one such alternative I’ve used many times in the past when recipes called for rice and I expect that will be the case henceforth. Of course, I’m not going to eat only Korean food; I’ll continue to eat Indian and Mexican and Middle Eastern and Thai and Vietnamese and American standards. The difference in recipes I follow or create will focus on using low-calorie and low-carb ingredients. It occurs to me that, in my efforts to find ways to use alternative ingredients to various foods (Indian and Mexican, for example), I might come upon interesting options that others will find valuable. To that end, I think I’ll post about such options. Yes. Yes I will.

 

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Lessons Too Late for the Learning

The ‘lesson too late for the learning’ is the hardest one. And it’s not alone; it runs in herds that, if one lets them, will consume a person until all he sees are his mistakes, the ones that cannot be unmade. But if he gives himself forgiveness for that unforgivable error, while acknowledging its gravitas and correcting its genesis, the lesson can change his life for the better. Or so I’m told. Adages and proverbs and axioms and maxims and their kin offer their own lessons, though some of them are epithets for wishful thinking.

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Mining My Brain for Thoughts and Secrets

I’ve been awake for more than an hour and up for half an hour. And it’s only 4:30 a.m. This is not what I planned for Saturday. I planned, instead, to get up around 5:30, have a couple of cups of coffee, and ease gently into the day. The day includes another off-site breakfast, this time at a restaurant of my wife’s choice in Benton. Then, I’ll return home to do “chores” I have committed to complete. But here’s what’s really on my mind at this hour.

After our friends’ visit next week, I intend to get slim in body and healthy in attitude. And I will write. I will write with ferocity and conviction. I will dig up the corpses of characters I’ve conceived in months and years past and I will ask them to finish telling me what they wanted to say. And they will. They will tell me what they want; what they have always wanted but have been unable to attain. They will explain the obstacles to achieving their dreams and desires. I will explore these people like a detective examines a crime; every relevant bit of information will find its way into what I hope will be gripping tales, driven by character, not simply by plot. But this will involve asking and answering uncomfortable questions, questions that risk tearing away masks that hide secrets that want to remain hidden.

All that is for later, though. Today, upon our return from breakfast, I intend to finish painting the guest room. That task, one I thought would be quick and easy, has taken up far more energy and effort than I expected. The prep work, alone, took enormous time and a toll on my arthritic hands and bad knees. Blue tape protects the molding around doors and windows and contractor’s craft paper protects the floors. I painstakingly moved the furniture away from the walls to the center of the room, thinking that would make the job easier. I should have simply emptied the room of its contents; THAT would have made the job easier. But I didn’t, so I will file that bit of advice in my brain for the next project.

What else is on my mind at this quiet hour? Heat and humidity. Still, stagnant air and the way it tries to smother happiness. The fatal mistake that scorpions and snakes make by slipping into my garage at night. The absence from my refrigerator of cool, refreshing, sparkling mineral water right now, when I need it.

Those unrelated mind jags are what I mine from the depths of my brain at this moment. There are other thoughts spilling out, too. I wonder whether humans truly have the capacity to understand and accept their own mortality? Intellectually, yes, but can we comprehend the reality on an emotional level? And how is it that we can define what is and is not moral in so very different ways? Not just culture to culture, but person to person. And a news item I heard on NPR yesterday is on my mind: it reported that the National Institutes of Health had lifted a moratorium on research that would explore the creation of embryos that are part human, part animal. I find such an endeavor both fascinating and frightening; actually, it is what triggered my questions about the moving target that is morality.

And, finally, my mind is circling around the concept that I can choose at any time to change who and what I am. The future rests not so much on the past, but on the present. That’s a hopeful thought and one I choose to embrace, now that the digits on the electronic device that measures time have edged past five o’clock.

Posted in Creativity, Insomnia, Ruminations | 3 Comments

Self-Help

I am in the midst of a transformation, but I don’t know just what I’m transforming from, nor what I’m becoming. I know only that the man who inhabits my body is undergoing a metamorphosis of some significance. No longer do I find sustenance and solace in writing. Writing has become a chore that I choose to avoid, a responsibility I guiltily yet gleefully shirk. I seem to have abandoned the commitment I made earlier this year to lose significant amounts of weight, replacing it with unchecked eating and drinking, as if my objective were turned on its head; as if my goal, instead, is to outgrow my clothes. Though I’ve never been a particularly social person, I have been much more social in the last two years than ever before; but that, too, has gone off-course. I find myself withdrawing from social contact, enjoying—or perhaps tolerating—my own company instead of the company of others.

Perhaps the intrusion of world events have changed my perspective. A truck intentionally mowing down hundreds of people, killing eighty-four, can change one’s perspective. When suicide bombers become commonplace and almost unnoticed, one’s view of the world can shift. Episodic violence by police against unarmed black men sours one’s mindset. The seeds of happiness are paved over with impenetrable concrete when such stuff takes on a grim, resigned normalcy.

As I think through this recent development—or perhaps I should say this recent decline—I recall suggestions, from people who ought to know, that giving in to and accepting negativity is a choice. That bothers me. It bothers me because I think that’s precisely what I’ve been doing. I’ve lost the fire that, in times past, would have recoiled against gloom and doom. Or, rather, I’ve allowed the fire to be smothered by a choking fog.

These words slipping from my fingers to the keyboard and onto the screen are having an effect on me. They are telling me to cast off this grey blanket and spray icy water over the pall under which I’ve been living, shrinking from the light. And so I shall. After entertaining friends who will visit next week, I will return to early morning walks, sensible eating, and positive thoughts. Even before then, I’ll work on the positive thoughts. And I’ll avoid politics to the extent I can.

This post began on a down note. It isn’t ending on one.

Posted in Frustration | 3 Comments

Independence Days Ahead

I feel like I’m outside myself, watching a transformation of my political beliefs. I watched the Independent ticket town hall on CNN this evening, with Governors Gary Johnson and William Weld. I agreed with so much of what they had to say. Their insistence that compromise is absolutely necessary rang true with me. Their positions about issues as far-flung as marijuana and the use of force in Afghanistan mirrored my own. Yet I was concerned. Deeply concerned.

Though I found myself utterly at odds with them on fiscal issues, it wasn’t that political split that bothered me. It was the fact that I think they are likely to attract a lot of Democrats, many more than Republicans. And what that means is that Hillary Clinton, a woman with whom I have several enormous philosophical differences, will suffer. If Gary Johnson and William Weld had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning, I might vote for them. But they don’t. Not this year. The Independent Party hasn’t developed a sufficiently robust machine to make it happen. Instead, they will likely pull Democrats away from Clinton. Which would give Donald Trump the White House.

If Hillary Clinton wins in November, I will be deliriously relieved. But thereafter I will devote my political energies to a third party, perhaps the Independent Party. I am tired to the point of sickness of the Democratic Party’s platform as opposed to its performance. I think the Democratic Party, just like the Republican Party, has sold out to money. Neither party represents the citizenry, though the Democrats are far closer. But both should fear a strong, centrist movement that accepts compromise, values humanity, and places corporations far down on the list of entities that matter.

Posted in Politics | 1 Comment

Courageous Conversations

I’ve accepted an invitation to be a guest host on a web and telephone conference call/conversation on August 21 at 7:00 p.m. Eastern time. The program, a component of a series entitled “Courageous Conversations About Education,” will last two hours.

The invitation came about as a result of my response to a comment I made to a Facebook post (made by a friend of a friend) about media responses to the killing of Dallas police officers. Included in the post was the following comment, addressed to the media: “…your unified appeal for “unity and acceptance” among African Americans “for” law enforcement, specifically, Caucasian police, in many instances, is falling on deaf ears; Why?; because, as each of you speak, your unfair bias in favor of the police is resonating much louder than any of the other, presumably positive, messages that you desire to offer.” 

My comment, made directly in response to the original post but, rather, in response to other comments, was this:  “I say the only solution is conversation. Real, honest, respectful conversation that does not judge another person without first TRULY understanding the motivation behind the belief, the desire, the fear…whatever. The constant, “they better understand what’s going on…” is not going to get anywhere. We need to have real, face-to-face conversations. Ignore the conversations that are too           “sensitive” to take place and just really talk with one another. Even the bastards who I think deserve to rot in jail for shooting unarmed civilians…we have to listen even to them.

The woman who made the original Facebook post invited me to participate in a telephone and online conversation on the matter. Though I was hesitant to accept her invitation, her comment to me that “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem” resonated with me. So I agreed to join her to lead a discussion, the purpose of which is to educate listeners/participants (and myself) about different perspectives on policing and violence and roads to unity. When I have full details, I will circulate them to my friends and acquaintances, in the hope that they will listen and, if they commit to abandoning their biases and prejudices for the duration of the conversation, engage in dialog. I firmly believe we cannot successfully address the very real problems of racism, black and white and otherwise, until we really talk with and listen to people whose perspectives differ from our own.

From what little I know about the program, I gather the majority of the audience are young black people. My participation as an old white man may seem a little odd, but I think honest conversations between old and young, black and white, religious and nonreligious, energetic and tired…you get the drift…are too infrequent. I’m more than a little nervous about participating, but I’m equally energized that, just maybe, it will be an education to me and to others involved in the conversation.

Posted in Communication | 2 Comments

Calamity without Forgiveness

By the looks of it, the end times have come. The sky is attacking the ground and everything using the ground as a foundation for the future, with a vengeance unmatched in modern times. Trees—whipped into screaming children attempting to escape the claws of a demonic, abusive father—are unable to even pretend to stand tall and erect. Instead, they bend into a begging stance, hoping for even a crumb of mercy. There is no mercy in this wind. This fierce storm asserts Nature’s control over man and beast. A bolt of lightning just took out something close by; I’m afraid it was a house or a block or perhaps even an entire subdivision. The thunder-clap shook this house and my confidence in the future. Whatever the lightning struck is now a molten remnant of the history of something; what might it have been?

I am unsure of tomorrow, even of an hour hence. My last words might be digital representations of terror. Ach. I do love and admire and actually WORSHIP the power of Mother Nature, in spite of what I believe is her intent to take my life in the most horrible way. She is vicious, mean-spirited, and raw; just like me before she ripped the life from me in a billion bolts of unbridled energy.

Posted in Weather | 1 Comment

Dove, as in Soap

When he looked in her eyes, he gazed into the soul of a sorceress, a woman so practiced in witchcraft that she made him believe a woman like her could love someone like him. Of course, he later came to understand, that was impossible. But at that moment, he felt in his heart that he had found his soul mate, his one true love. Her eyes remained fixed on his as she spoke.

“I’ve finally found love, after so many years of searching,” she said. “All the years before we met were meant to gauge our worthiness for one another.

Only after his heart shattered into a thousand pieces and his tears drowned him in a saline sea did he realize the power of her emotional alchemy. The motives for her deceit slapped him in the face, hard, as he stared at the bank statement. A lifetime of savings, gone in an instant.

Posted in Fiction, Writing | Leave a comment

Support

When people who matter go through difficult times, time slows to an excruciating crawl. That slow-motion experience emphasizes the importance of “being there.” Even if one’s support or assistance is not needed, one’s availability matters, I think. That’s what’s on my mind at this very moment. It’s better to think these thoughts than to imagine Donald Trump as President.

Posted in Just Thinking | 2 Comments

Today is Dad’s Birthday

Today is my father’s birthday. He was fifty years old when I was born; were he still alive, he would have turned 113 years old today. But he’s not. He died when he was 81 and I was 31. It’s mind-bending to realize he has been gone half my life. I looked back at my post about his birthday a year ago and said essentially the same thing I just said. It’s as if my annual remembrances have become habit, born of what I think is duty. One day soon, I will write as much as I can about my memories of my father. In the interim, I will simply remember him as he appears with my mother in a photo that sits on the dresser in our bedroom, a big, genuine smile on his face.

Posted in Family | 1 Comment

Dream-Shaming

I couldn’t shake the dregs of the dream off my mind. It was as if they were clinging to the ridges in my brain like dried food clings to a skillet left too long on a hot burner. So I’ve decided I might scrape those images seared to my consciousness by using the metaphor for my pen to record the inexplicable series of encounters that comprise the dream.

I stood in the lobby of an odd hotel, where I was to meet three friends I hadn’t seen in quite some time. Two of them had flown in to Dallas (I guess I lived there, in my dream) from different places; the third lived there, but was staying at the hotel. For some reason, I hadn’t picked them up at the airport but, instead, had offered to meet them at the hotel for breakfast. Unbeknownst to the three of them, a fourth person (an acquaintance from another time in my life, Tony) was to be staying in the same motel. I had not made arrangements with him to join us for breakfast, but figured I would ask him when I went to pick up my friends.

When I arrived at the hotel, it somehow became clear to me that to call my friends’ rooms to let them know I was in the lobby required me to check in as a guest. I did this and took my bags (I have no idea how I had the prescience to have bags with me) to my room. Once in the room, I discovered that the room had no telephone, so I could not call my friends’ rooms.  And, then, I looked down at the front of my shirt and realized I had spilled mushrooms and thick orange sauce on myself during he previous evening’s dinner. I changed my shirt, walked back to the elevator, and went back to the lobby. A clot of people stood in front of the hotel front desk. There was no waiting line; people spilled all around the desk. Three clerks behind the desk seemed to be chatting with some of the people. Their conversations did not seem to me about business, but, instead, about television shows and Easter egg hunts and bus tours.

Growing increasingly frustrated, I spoke to some people in front of me, but behind those standing at the desk, “Are you in line? If you are, you might try to actually form a line instead of clogging the space around the desk.  They turned to look at me, but made no response. Instead, one of the clerks spoke to me; “Sir, just be patient and wait your turn. We will get to you in due time.”

“What do you mean in due time? And how will you know it’s my turn?”

She looked directly at me and responded, “Believe me, I’ll know.”

“You are an idiot,” I responded. “You obviously don’t have an inkling that you’re here to serve the guests, not chit-chat.”

Just then, one of my friends approached me from behind.

“Here we are. What’s the plan?”

I turned to see all three of my friends behind me.

“I need to try to reach someone else in the hotel but my room has no phone. Does yours?”

“Yeah, but you can’t dial out. You can only receive calls. You have to go to the desk to use their phone.”

I turned to discover the clot of people who had been at the desk had dissipated; only a few remained and they were in an orderly line. I joined the line. Almost instantly, a male clerk spoke to me.

“May I  help you?”

“I need to call someone’s room.”

“Go to the communication window, off to your left.”

I turned to the left to see a what looked to me like a betting window in a casino.  A man with an old-style policeman’s cap sat behind it. I approached him.

“I need to call someone’s room.”

“What is the room number?”

“I don’t know the room number.”

“Name?”

“Tony Felos.”

The man placed a device in front of me.

“Use this to call him.”

The equipment was unlike any telephone I’ve seen. It was a black pyramid with what looked like a light-switch on top.

“How do I use this? How do I look up his room number?”

“I can’t tell you how to use a telephone, if you don’t already know.”

The woman I’d called an idiot strode down the length of the counter toward us.

“I can help you, sir. Here, just use the toggle to scroll through a list of guest names and, when you get to your friend’s name, just click.”

The appearance of the device had changed from the time I first saw it. Now, it was a black pyramid with a screen on one side; the light switch on top was now a toggle. Immediately, I knew how to use it.

“Thank you so much. I’m very sorry I was so nasty to you earlier. I had no excuse to be so unkind.”

“Do not let it worry you, sir. We are trained to be polite even when people treat us rudely without reason.”

I used the device to scroll a list of names. There it was. “Tony Felos.”

The telephone had nothing to hold to my ear; when I clicked the toggle, the sound of a phone ringing erupted from the device, followed after a few rings with a click.

“Hello?” Obviously, I had awoken him.

“Tony, this is John. I just thought you might like to join a few of my friends and me for breakfast.”

“Uh, thanks, but I got in late last night and I’ve got to catch a flight in just a while.”

“Ah, sorry to wake you. Maybe next time.”

Another click and the call ended. I turned around and saw that my friends were across the lobby, looking at magazines in a little gift shop. I walked across the lobby and into the shop, where I saw someone from yet another part of my life.

“Augie Sisco! What are you doing here? It’s great to see you.”

The guy looked like Augie, but something about him wasn’t quite the same.

“I’m Rick Nafe. Nice to see you.”

Now, I knew someone named Rick Nafe in yet another part of my life, but he looked nothing like Augie.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone I knew years ago.”

“I’m Rick Nafe. I am a publisher, both print and electronic media. My team and I are here for the electronic gaming convention.”

Standing behind him was a group of young people, probably in their twenties, all wearing white polo shirts imprinted with the same green and black symbols.

One of my friends, Jim, looked at my shirt and pointed.

“Looks like you’ve got last night’s dinner all over your shirt.”

I looked down and saw the mushrooms and orange sauce.

I was confused; I thought I’d changed my shirt earlier.

“Ugh! Let me go change my shirt and then we can head out.”

I turned around to see the lobby had changed rather dramatically. Where there had been a broad expanse of open space, there was a restaurant enclosed in glass walls. The path to the elevator was a very thin strip of concrete next to one of the restaurant’s walls;  on the other side of the path was a pool of water decorated with water lilies. Swimming in the pool were dozens of orange and white koi fish.

I edged my way along the path, facing the glass wall of the restaurant. As I inched along the path, I saw that I was leaving a smear of thick orange sauce on the glass. People sitting at the tables just inside the glass wall stared at me with looks of disgust on their faces.

And that’s where the dream ended. I woke up and made notes. Then, I went back and filled in the details as best I could. I manufactured much of the dialogue, though I think it’s close to what occurred in the dream.

My state of mind when I awoke was this: shame, embarrassment, and confusion.

 

 

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An Old Illusion

I am afraid there is no home. Not anymore. Home was a place in our minds that protected us; protection is, today, a fantasy. Protection is a wish drowning in reality too ugly to call it by name.

Posted in Philosophy, Regret | 1 Comment

Should I Die in New Zealand?

When we lived in Dallas, fierce thunderstorms were not strangers. They swept through the area with some regularity, sometimes bringing with them astonishing hail that ruined roofs and left cars pockmarked with evidence of Mother Nature’s fury that simply could not be erased, even by the most accomplished bodywork pro.

But those storms in Dallas were not as frequent as their brethren in Arkansas. Here, the frequency of severe thunderstorms almost parallels the frequency of sunrise; good lord, it’s as if every bloody day a deeply angry…hell, no, a deeply DISTURBED…Mother Nature threatens us with her maniacal wrath. MN seems to enjoy her little dalliances into prospective murder. She sings as she goes about the process of ripping limbs from trees, causing high winds to burp loudly as they rush through tiny gaps in weather-stripping on doors, and otherwise express delight in her power that could, if she willed it, annihilate us in one shrieking howl of her breath.

Tonight, we’ve just experienced (and are, I hope, experiencing the tail end) of such a storm. Rarely does weather strike fear into me; usually, it simply causes appreciation and admiration to well up in my chest. Tonight, I watched monstrous trees bend in prayer to a mad wind who did not care to receive their worship. I am alive. For that, I am grateful. During the height of the storm, I was entirely unsure whether that would be the case over the course of minutes.

Back to my original comment: this area is visited MUCH more frequently than Dallas by fierce storms. It just is. I had no idea; and now, I wonder if I can tolerate this for much longer. New Zealand, specifically the north end of the south island, is tugging at me to come visit, “for just a while…or a lifetime.”

Actually, I mention New Zealand only because it’s been much on my mind of late, for reasons I choose not to address right now, and I dreamed last night of moving there. That was after conversations about Nelson, New Zealand over dinner last night. Crap, I may actually be crazy enough to move. Yesterday afternoon, I shared with my wife what I’d found about the cost and schedule of flights and buses to get to Havelock, NZ, where I’d found an absolutely dreamy and utterly affordable motel. I could do this. I really could. But would my wife go with me? She wouldn’t go for my place in the country and a tractor, so I guess I won’t get to follow this dream, either. I can get pretty damn depressed pretty damn fast, you know? No, you wouldn’t; you don’t know me any better than I know myself.

Posted in Philosophy, Travel | 3 Comments

Blood

Some words occupy spaces only they can fill.  Those words are like surviving twins; they are incomplete pairs that cannot be repaired, no matter how much energy is expended to that end. One such word is blood. Oh, one might find thesauri that suggest synonyms, but the supposed synonyms they offer do not pass muster. Neither hemoglobin nor plasma nor  sanguine fluid nor the slang form, claret, do justice to blood. Blood, alone, accomplishes the definitive task for the English language. And that is fine. In fact, the singularity of an adequate word to describe the necessary fluid of life is more than fine; it is right and just. Here, of course, I’m referring only to the red liquid pumped by the heart.

There are other uses of the word “blood,” you know.

‘He’s a blood relative.’  ‘That man is hot-blooded.’ ‘Charles Manson was a cold-blooded killer.’ You know them. Those uses of the word attempt to borrow the significance and consequence of ‘blood.’

Many writers attempt to conjure blood through similes and metaphors, but none of their attempts endangers the superiority of that one word.

Posted in Just Thinking, Language | 1 Comment

When We Do Not Exist

It would help if we would rely more on our reason than our wishes.
It would help if we recognized fantasy for what it is.
It would help if we recognized our failings and owned up to our flaws.
It would help if we listened to our deepest, most primitive emotions and let them flow.
It would help if we accepted inadequacies, leaving excuses in the dust where they belong.

It’s okay to feel utter hopelessness, because we’ve earned that emotion.
It’s okay to weep openly at our lost innocence, knowing it’s gone forever.
It’s okay to hate who we’ve become, because we’ve become who we’ve been taught to hate.
It’s okay to sharpen the scalpel and find the softest spot on which to test its edge.
It’s okay to recognize we’ve squandered our chances to capture our own salvation.

There is no god but the one we created in our own minds,
no god but the illusion we hoped would lead us from the abyss from which
there is no escape, now that we know what we’ve created.

Help doesn’t exist where help wasn’t wanted.
God doesn’t exist when god is but who we are,
when we know we are not, nor will ever be, god.

Posted in Poetry | Leave a comment