Author Archives: John Swinburn

No matter that I might want to write—or to have written—something profound or even moderately meaningful, I just cannot. There’s nothing consequential clawing to be released from the confines of my brain. Instead, there’s only emptiness in search of a … Continue reading →

Disjointed sleep patterns added a touch of interest to my life for a while. But the interest has evolved into something less appealing—more confusing and disturbing. When those patterns began to emerge, I found them somewhat curious and appealing, as … Continue reading →

Flavors of Indian and Indonesian food urge me to change who I am and where I go. They invite me to crawl through the soft dominions of time and distance, seeking communion with moments too powerful to ignore, but too … Continue reading →

Leaders of nations serve as role models. Many of those “models” should be preserved in a perpetual bath of formaldehyde and corrosive acid.  The speeds of Earth’s revolutions around the Sun feel dangerous. Worse than that—deadly, as if the slightest deviation … Continue reading →

This place is not suitable for a man who relies on weakness for balance. I can stay upright, I think, only if someone has lashed me to a mast. Or until I surrender and submit to external control. Perhaps I … Continue reading →

Yesterday afternoon, while sitting in our “entertainment room” watching Jeopardy with mi novia and mi cuñada, I was struck by the amazing scope of knowledge of the television participants…and by the people sitting alongside me. How, I wondered, can the human … Continue reading →

REVISED: I’ve lost track of time again; the majority of the last six days—more or less—exist only as fragmented memories that seem to rely on a blend of experience and the compensation my imagination provides. I’m sure the recent radiation … Continue reading →

My original diagnosis of lung cancer, around Thanksgiving in 2018, did not correspond with a big increase in traffic to this blog. At the time, my blog had even fewer followers than it does today. Reading the posts, today, that … Continue reading →

The time has somehow slipped by, unnoticed. I’ve already written most of today’s post…in just the last two hours. And I’ve had my espresso and taken a few pills and otherwise paid homage to modern medicine. I am now ready … Continue reading →

The desire for solitude competes with the need for company or companionship. Fulfilling one has the effect of making the other unavailable or otherwise impossible to obtain. Those conflicting needs/wants make as much sense as wishing for the temperature to … Continue reading →

The memory of psychological pain lasts, for me,  far longer than does the recollection of physical agony. Now, as I write this, I wonder “whether psychological” is the right word. Perhaps I should have used “mental,” instead? If the difference … Continue reading →

I feel little else. Just the naked pursuit of purity. If only the chase could be paused for a while longer, I might become the predator instead of the prey. I realize, of course, the words I place on the … Continue reading →

I stumble on dust. I trip over pieces of thread. Empty air, too thick and steep to overcome, behaves like a mountain of granite blocking my way. The immeasurable chasm between here and there refuses to be bridged. Whether I … Continue reading →

I heard myself moaning during the night, but I did not realize until much later I was the one making the sounds. Until I determined I had been responsible for the noise, I felt both pity and scorn for the … Continue reading →

I wonder whether a recent string of confusing absent-mindedness…or whatever it is…is just coincidental or is related to my condition and/or the treatments for it. On one hand, I really want to know, but on the other I do not … Continue reading →

Try as I might, I cannot think deeply this morning. My ability to think philosophically seems to be inoperable at this moment. Actually, that is not quite true—I purposely avoid introspective exploration at this instant because I sense it would … Continue reading →

I wrote the paragraphs below this one shortly after I awoke this morning, when I felt more energetic, more hopeful, and more powerful than I feel now. Reality settles over me like low-lying fog hovering above a river in the … Continue reading →