I Can’t Write this Morning

I can’t write this morning.  Writing suddenly seems a luxury, a shameful waste in the face of real necessity. My mood will change, I’m sure. I am fortunate, in that it always does. But maybe it shouldn’t. Maybe the escape of writing is an unearned respite from the real world.  Enough of this. I can’t write this morning.

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Demands and Tension

One more week. That’s what the rehab hospital is saying. My wife will be there one more week before she is discharged, assuming she is ready for discharge then. The idea, they say, is for her to be as self-sufficient upon discharge as she was before entering the hospital. That will depend in large part, I think, on her medications and the extent to which their dosages, etc. have been properly adjusted. I’ve seen little evidence that doctors have spent any time with her; not even reviewing her charts. That upsets me; I expect physicians to actually see patients, face-to-face, and to ask questions and make personal observations, rather than rely on recorded observations of others who may or may not have engaged in sufficient personal assessments. And even that arms-length interaction seems to be missing.

I do not know, though, what questions I should ask, what demands I should make, what I should do to ensure my wife is treated as more than just another in a long line of patients. She is not just another patient; she is a crucially important patient, a patient as important as any a hospital staff can possibly encounter. I just don’t know how to make that point. I don’t know how to insist that she be given extremely focused, precise, caring attention; not artificial attention prescribed by protocol or quota.

I have been in hospital settings before, and I’ve always judged people who demand more attention than I think reasonable.  As if I knew what was reasonable. As if I had even a bloody clue what was reasonable. But I felt comfortable judging people who wanted personalized attention beyond what I thought was sufficient. I always gave the healthcare professionals the benefits of the doubt; patients and their loved ones, I assumed, were panic-stricken and overly-demanding.  That assumption no longer squares with me; I was among the pricks who failed to deliver sufficient compassion where it should have been delivered. I thought patients and their advocates were over-reacting or were arrogant in their demands for more attention than they were being given. Now I understand, far better than before, how fear and concern and hope all conspire to make patients and their advocates seem unreasonable. I understand, too, that the appearance of irrationality is a fractured reality that does not encompass the real world of fear and concern and hope.

It’s not that I think her care is lacking. It’s that I want her care to be more intense, more personal, and I want those who care for her to acknowledge that she has been under the care of a cardiologist whose prescribed care seems to have been thrown out the window. Perhaps I’ll call her cardiologist today and insist on talking to him. Maybe I’ll do that.

I will not visit her today. Instead, her sister will go see her. I suspect that will be a welcome change of pace for my wife. I will devote my time today to other responsibilities and obligations. Among them will be a call to the “case manager” who discussed with us after-care. I did not write notes about our conversation, like I should have done, so I am not sure of what she told us about when to select a home-health service; I don’t recall how long we should expect assistance, what they can do, and a host of other matters I should know. My notes are inadequate; it’s as if I wrote my notes in an abbreviated foreign language I never mastered in high school. I wish I could record the call and have someone else transcribe it.

This single-minded focus on matters over which I have little direct control is not particularly helpful. If I had a magical little pill that would loosen the grip around my own neck I would take it; maybe two. I can feel the tension, especially in my neck; it’s as if I flexed my muscles too intensely and cannot un-flex them. I suppose that’s why massage is so popular; it releases the physical strain and transforms anxiety into a byproduct of stress that washes away with the strain. At least that’s how I perceive it at the moment.

One’s perspective changes as the day progresses. This morning, the rain and thunder and lightning combine to form tight balls of anxiety in the air. I can hear the raindrops hitting the windows and I can hear the sounds of water surging through the rain gutters, then the constant drip, drip, drip of water pelting aluminum downspouts. When the rain clouds blow away, as they surely will, my perspective will change. The sun, or at the very least its light, will begin to fill the sky. The rain and thunder and lightning will become memories that no longer matter because they will no longer manipulate the way I see the world outside my window.

But maybe I’m wrong about that; I just turned out all the lights and gazed out into the darkness that is just barely beginning to transform into a dim glow. The glow is, I think, sunlight filtered through thick fog and heavy clouds and light rain and blowing mist. Maybe that’s what this day will bring; just more of the same. Perhaps my perspective will remain fixed on a grey blanket of unpleasantly warm, humid air. My forecasts are notoriously inaccurate; when I predict rain, the drought begins and when I expect the drought, epic floods wash away centuries of topsoil. If that were true, the expectations would simply need to be adjusted to reflect reality; then, the predictions would be precise and correct. It is, after all, just a matter of perspective. Or, more precisely, a matter of interpretation of what one sees and feels and senses.

If rain and thunder washed away muscle tension, I would gladly dance on the deck this morning. The base of my neck feels like it is made of a massive cable, the kind used to support bridge structures; twisted strands of thick steel braided into rope impossibly heavy and unbending. Perhaps by being overly dramatic about the tension in my neck I can bring myself to laugh at my own silliness, thereby releasing at least a little of the tension. It hasn’t worked so far. Maybe I need to go full-on Shakespearean, or take on the attributes of daytime soap operas, pretending the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I don’t like daytime soap operas, though, so it would be hypocritical of me to adopt the style of their writers. Actually, I do not know what daytime soap operas are like these days. Maybe they have changed since I was a kid. I remember viewing them then, when my mother watched them from time to time. I did not like them then. I suspect they’re still the same; overly-dramatic, formulaic swill that for reasons unknown sometimes appealed to intelligent people like my mother. Am I drifting? Yes, apparently I am. I have not only drifted to the edges of the channel in which I’ve been floating, I have gone aground on a sand bar and made my way up the steep banks into the thick, snake-infested forest through which the stream flows. I think I’ll stop writing and prepare something to eat; something so distant from typical breakfast food it will confound me into thinking I am having dinner in another country.

And that’s it.

Posted in Anger | 3 Comments

Sounds and Music and Other Mental Rabbit Warrens

I forced myself to stay in bed for some time, hoping I would go back to sleep. Eventually, though, I gave up around 4:30.  The thing that kept me awake was the whistling noise with every inhalation and exhalation. That happens sometimes. No matter how much I clear my throat, no matter what I do, the whistling continues. It sounds loud to me, but I gather from past conversations with my wife that it’s essentially inaudible except to me. “It’s all in my head” is actually true in this case. Maybe in every case involving me.

I remember writing before about seeking quiet and being unable to find it. The buzz of light bulbs, the hum of the refrigerator, the whirring of the HVAC unit, the creaking of the floor under my feet, wind pressure causing windows to make barely audible sounds when they flex…and on and on. I find it impossible to experience silence. Even my heartbeat causes an audible “thump-THUMP” in my ears. But, as much as I desire silence, I think I would find deafness an awful experience. When I think of deafness, I see in my mind’s eye a video—without sound—of a building’s implosion; the experience is utterly incomplete without hearing the roar of the explosives and the rumble of the building’s demise.

+++

Today, after my early appointment to record the video introduction for next Sunday’s Insight program, I will return home to shed the uncomfortable jacket and slacks, etc. that I feel obligated to wear for the filming. Until yesterday afternoon, I was planning to go directly to the rehab hospital after filming to visit my wife. However, her therapy sessions are such that my visit would be interrupted shortly after I arrived. She is scheduled for an early session, before breakfast, then another one that would interrupt my visit, were I to go, then two more sessions after lunch. So, I will go visit around 3; that will give me just two hours with her before visiting hours end.  I’ll be interested to see what the schedule is for tomorrow and days following. Yesterday, we learned that the therapists are aiming to discharge her a week from today, if she progresses as expected. Thereafter, they will arrange for home health care for a period of 30 days; or maybe it’s 60. We shall see what actually transpires.

+++

The U.S. has ordered the closure of the Chinese embassy in Houston, ostensibly over hackers attempting to steal research about COVID-19 vaccines. China may, indeed, have engaged in such behavior. Unfortunately, I have come to distrust the U.S. government even more than I distrust the Chinese government. Beijing alleges the U.S. confiscated and opened Chinese diplomatic mail pouches during the past several months, which would be a violation of the Vienna Convention to which both countries are party. Two of the most powerful countries on Earth engaging in such high-stakes political squabbling makes me very angry; if I had absolute, magical power, I would bring every senior level representative of both governments to their knees; what I would do to them afterward is as yet unknown. It would not be pretty, though.

I wonder whether China’s state media is as obnoxious as the defacto state media in the U.S. (i.e., Fox News)? Does China’s state media encourage its citizens to distrust and to loathe U.S. citizens the way Fox News attempts to mold our response to Chinese? I used to think relations between nations would improve dramatically if relationships were managed not by the government but by average, everyday “folks.” No more. In the U.S., too damn many people are raving nationalists who claim patriotism but, in fact, have the blood of imperialist tyrants coursing through their veins. I suspect the same is true of many of the citizens of other countries. What have we humans become? We are capable of compassion and generosity and love beyond measure, yet we choose instead to mock, to value the accumulation of wealth over building relationships, and to hate others who do not share our culture, our heritage, or our skin color.

My mind is on a roller-coaster this morning. It’s enough to make me want to get off the damn thing and walk to the ends of the Earth, someplace I can find a society that hasn’t been infected with rampant capitalism and selfishness. I suppose that wish makes me selfish, though. Ach!

+++

The train of thought that led to the paragraphs above was interrupted by a brief phone call to my wife, followed by showering and shaving and getting dressed so I can look modestly presentable for the filming. Clearly, I have gained a lot of weight. My “presentable” trousers barely button. My coat is tight. I need, desperately, to change my eating habits and my sedentary lifestyle. The latter, especially, will be hard to do, considering how damn hard it is for me to walk up the slope of my driveway; I’m out of breath by the time I get back to the front door. I have let this happen. I let the removal of the right lower lobe of my lung give me an excuse for becoming far too sedentary. Now, I’m afraid, I may not be able to regain my stamina. I could kick myself, repeatedly, for my lethargic lifestyle.

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“Does anyone know where the love of God goes when the waves turn the minutes to hours?” Those lyrics from The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, by Gordon Lightfoot, are on my mind this morning. Every time I hear or think about those lyrics, sadness wells up in me; it’s as if Pavlov trained my eyes to tear up and glisten each time he played the music or made me remember the song. There are other pieces of music whose lyrics do that to me: Dimming of the Day does that, but only when I hear it performed; the words on a page or screen don’t have the same power as when I hear the words to the tune sung by Djanko, Fjeld, and Anderson or Bonnie Rait or Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. Oh, there are more, but my fingers need a break and I need to head to church soon. My fingers will exercise again, sometime, later.

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Swerving into Philosophy

I woke up late this morning, sometime around 6:45. The fact that I was awakened in the middle of the night probably contributed to my late rising. Or maybe I was just tired and needed more sleep than normal. Whatever the reason, I woke up in daylight, an unusual and disconcerting experience; I feel like I’ve missed a significant chunk of the day when I sleep late. I don’t like it.

My wife’s therapy sessions will take up the majority of the morning today, so I will wait to go to the rehab hospital to see her until after noon. Then, she has another session during the mid-afternoon, so I suspect I’ll head home early. On the one hand, I’m glad that they are piling on the therapy; on the other, it infringes on my time with her. And I don’t want them to overdo it.

I got a text from my wife around 5:30 this morning, before I was awake, in which she told me she had just been weighed. They weigh her every morning, which is part of the process of monitoring the status of fluid retention connected with her congestive heart failure. The CHF is not new. She has had it since she was in college; but it apparently has gotten worse lately and, therefore, she must be more closely monitored. Changes in weight, especially weight gain, are among the concerns that may warrant changes in treatment. I really wish her cardiologist were involved in treatment decisions, but I was assured by the rehabilitation doctor yesterday that a team of physicians is involved and they take into account all aspects of patients’ health, including details assessments of cardiac issues, etc., etc. They had damn sure better pay close attention and take into account her cardiologist’s assessments.

My sleep last night was awash in dreams I cannot remember with sufficient clarity to make any sense of them. The one element I vaguely remember is that I was advised by someone to sleep on my side for several hours, then to sleep on my other side. I think I recall additional fragments, but I’m not sure whether they were part of my dream or interpretive add-ons delivered by my brain as I tried to make sense of the situation. One’s brain is odd, isn’t it? It volunteers counterfeit context when context goes missing, and then conceals fabrications by interweaving them with reality. Or, in the case of dreams, artificial reality. That’s so very strange; meshing two versions of “reality” manufactured in the mind—crafted from fantasy and context—to form yet another alternative reality. I wonder if that bizarre sensation is anything like the experience of ingesting hallucinogenic mushrooms? I don’t think I’m going to find out anytime soon.

Tomorrow morning, I am scheduled to record the introduction to the Insight service that will be posted Sunday as a video on the church website. Last night, before I went to bed, I wrote the ceremonial words associated with lighting the chalice; I found no chalice-lighting words, written and spoken by someone else, on the UUA website that quite fit the situation. I wanted something that spoke to UUA heritage (the theme of the months of summer for the church) and to the content to be delivered by the Insight speaker: the words of Chief Seattle when invited to sell his tribe’s land to the United States.  I think I succeeded in writing something that acknowledges both. I hope I did. These are the words I plan to speak for the video introduction, unless I change my mind between now and then:

As we light this chalice, may it inspire in us
a thirst to strengthen our commitments to
one another and to our Unitarian Universalist faith and
heritage, to heal the wounds of both past and present, and to create a future fueled with love.

As I consider the fact that I am involved in this church ritual, I am once again surprised at myself. A few short years ago, and all the years before that, I would have scoffed at the idea that I would be involved with any church in any way. Yet, today, I am more than casually involved in a church. I sit on its board. I chair a committee involved in long range planning. I sit on a committee that plans programs that would, in normal times, be held in the sanctuary (but now are recorded for video “broadcast”). And more. All of this since joining a church on June 3, 2018; just  a tad more than two years ago. I joined a church? What? Four years before that, I attended the same church for the first time: June 1, 2014. Prior to that, I had not been in a church, except for special occasions like weddings, since I was an atheist child coerced (basically) into attending Sunday school.

I should not be surprised, though. A few weeks ago, I (again, for the umpteenth time) searched my blog for instances in which I mentioned either church or religion or otherwise addressed philosophical matters that mirror the moralities often promoted (but not necessarily practiced) by churches.  I found many, many instances in which I expressed an interest in and even support of the philosophies of religions. I also expressed frustration with their insistence on divinity as reality and with their hypocrisy and with what I considered their bizarre rituals. Yet even in the face of those frustrations, I always noted a seed of possibility. I wished I could find a fellowship (I loathed the term “church”, which I associated with hypocrisy and inflexible religious dogma) that focused on humanity, compassion, and other attributes I felt were central to living a life that mattered.

Writing a blog has helped me record my evolution as a human being. It has, inadvertently, enabled me to capture how I have changed in my viewpoints about many subjects, including religion. I have mellowed, morphing from a rather strident, mocking atheist into a much more tolerant, understanding atheist. But even my atheism has changed. Though I remain thoroughly convinced that there is no divine God in the traditional sense, I now consider the possibility that many people who say they believe in God do not necessarily believe in a supreme being. Instead, they define God in ways that I did not, heretofore, understand (and may not, still). They do not necessarily define God as a being with intent, but as a manifestation of the majesty of everything around us. I might be able to get behind that concept, though I don’t think I’ll ever call the awe-inspiring “everything” as God.

Someone suggested to me not too long ago that I should present “my UU journey,” which gives members of the congregation an opportunity to explore and explain how they came to be involved in Unitarian Universalism. At the time, I laughed it off. But since then, I have decided that, if I were to do that, I have an enormous volume of “stuff” I’ve written that essentially documents how I came to be a “card-carrying” member of UUVC. So, I may one day write a brief synopsis of the intellectual evolution that led me from being a shrieking atheist to someone more tolerant, understanding, and in some cases appreciative of religion and how it can positively influence the lives of people who want and need it. I’ve also come to the understanding that “church” is not limited to the buildings in which religious services are held. “Church” embodies the collective engagement of people who share some core commonalities. A church is more a community than an edifice. That fact once again came home to me during this last week, when several members of that community rushed to offer support and assistance when they learned my wife was in the hospital. Their offers sprang from them automatically because of the kinds of people they are. That, alone, expresses the powerful humanity that resides in church, as least in this church.

Once again, I drifted out of the lane I was in, then swerved sharply into a completely different one. I don’t know quite how I drifted from my wife’s hospital/rehab stay to my dreams to my history of religious skepticism into my “spiritual transmogrification.” But I did it, nonetheless. But, now, it’s almost 9 o’clock. I should shower, shave, and otherwise get presentable. And breakfast wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.

Posted in Church, Dreams, Religion, Secular morality | 6 Comments

The Week Begins

They stuck in my mind many, many years ago. I’m referring to the lyrics of a Leonard Cohen song, Famous Blue Raincoat. I think of those lyrics every time I find myself awake at four in the morning, which unfortunately is not all that rare. I never stay
awake until four in the morning, but it is not uncommon for me to be awake at four in the morning. Like this morning.

It’s four in the morning, the end of December
I’m writing you now just to see if you’re better
New York is cold, but I like where I’m living
There’s music on Clinton Street all through the evening

The lyrics of the song have no bearing on anything in my life, other than the fact that I’m awake at four in the morning. It’s the middle of July, not the end of December. And I’m not in New York. And so forth. But, still, the lyrics speak to me for some odd reason. They speak of loneliness in the midst of noise and activity. They conjure a sense of ennui, but with a disjointed definition that embraces a range of emotions that do not belong together. That phrase so often defines my state of mind: “a range of emotions that do not belong together.”

Just after I began to write this post, my wife responded to a text message I sent to her last night. So I responded to her response. And I suggested she call me, if she was of a mind to. She was and she did. We chatted for a few minutes. I learned she was channel surfing, trying to find something of consequence instead of the paid-programming hawking make-up. The staff had been in her room to do cleaning (in the middle of the night!); since they were there and had awakened her, she asked for assistance getting to the bathroom (she is not permitted to get out of bed without assistance, because she is so weak and because she is at hazard for a fall). So, being awakened in the middle of the night happened to be good fortune. Our call ended with my reminder to her that I would be back in again later this morning to bring her clothes, her mechanical pencil (a companion she requires when playing Sudoku, which is a frequent endeavor for her).

I never remember how to spell Sudoku, so I looked it up. I found this sentence describing the game:

The name “sudoku” is abbreviated from the Japanese suuji wa dokushin ni kagiru, which means “the numbers (or digits) must remain single.”

Hmm. Who knew?

I am tired, but I am awake and I sense there’s little point in trying to get back to sleep. My mind is not especially sharp this morning, which probably is reflected in my writing. But that’s true of my writing, in general, as it skitters from one topic to another, never stopping long enough to delve deeply into any one subject. My thought processes are like the rock I sling horizontally along the surface of a pond. My thoughts skim the surface for a moment, jump in the air, and repeat the process until, at some point, they sink like the rock I’ve thrown.

My thoughts are like my interests: broad (or is it wide?) and shallow. If I could explore all the ideas that cross my mind, but examine them deeply, I would be a far more intelligent man. Instead, I know very little about many things. And my interests run in parallel; nothing interests me sufficiently to warrant becoming even remotely “expert” in anything. A jack of all trades, master of none, as the saying goes.

I am hungry. Now that the clock is telling me it’s closing in on five in the morning (only twenty minutes to go), I feel less embarrassment that food is on my mind. I’m thinking I’ll mix some of the beans I made the other day (pinto beans, chunks of ham, jalapeños, onions, chile powder, cumin) with the canned tomatoes I left in the refrigerator several days ago. That concoction will form a thick bean and tomato soup/stew of sorts; add some Yucateca Black Label salsa habanero and I’ll have a magical, tasty breakfast. Well, it will do, anyway.

Before I eat, though, I feel a need to write something consequential. That may take too long, though, so I’ll settle for whatever spills from my fingers.

It’s always too late to be the person you wish you had been when you should have been the person you wished you were.  In other words, regret will always follow you if you behave in ways that you will regret. You can never un-do the things you did; you can never un-say the things you said; you can never un-be, the person you wish you had not been. Put another way, all the water under the bridge eventually reaches a dam, creating a stagnant pool. The solution is to go forward, being the person you wanted to be and saying the things you will be happy to have said and doing the things of which you will always be proud. That will give you the strength you need to breach the dam. Even so, though, your past will cling to you until there’s no more you to which to cling.

None of the preceding paragraph makes particularly good sense in the absence of the thoughts that prompted it; that will remain the case, inasmuch as those thoughts will remain locked in my head, where they should stay.

Enough early morning drivel. I will make my odd breakfast, take a shower, and begin to attack the day. My wife wants me with her at the rehab hospital, so I will go there after visiting hours begin. Once there, I can leave and return only once; the policies prohibit multiple in-and-out visits. So, I will spend the vast majority of my day there, leaving only when visiting hours end at 5:00 p.m. I wish I knew the schedule of her physical therapy; that could impact plans for my visit. But she does not yet have the schedule, so I will have to wing it.  As I said, even early morning drivel.

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Concerns

Concerns. They’re also called burdens. Or worries. Or apprehensions. Uneasiness. Misgivings. Lots of synonyms for concerns. I allow myself to have more than my share. I admire people who can let those bothersome emotions slide off of them like water off oil-cloth. Envy may be the better word. I don’t know that I hold them in admiration.

I understand why people take drugs. It’s not always to relieve pain. It’s not pain they’re trying to mask, it’s a constant tightness that grips them with just enough force to make breathing difficult. It’s an ongoing sense of anxiety, a feeling that peril is just around the next bend. That life, itself, is a menace.  But then, in the blink of an eye, it can disappear. I think meditation might help, although I wonder if meditation might actually accentuate the feeling of danger. Maybe that’s why people something eschew meditation and opt for medication, instead. I’m afraid I would take far too much, far too soon.

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Solitude is not the same when the house is empty. Even though my solitude changed when my wife began waking much earlier than usual, that change was nothing compared to the solitude I have now that she’s in the hospital for physical rehabilitation. I much prefer solitude when I know she is in another room in the house. This solitude without her presence is stark and brittle. It would be different if she were simply away visiting friends.  I know that to be true, from experience. But the fact that she’s in the hospital changes the face of solitude. It’s an empty, aching, lonely solitude. I can’t wait until she’s back home.

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I spent time early this morning viewing the Sunday sermon by our church minister. It struck a nerve with me, one that has been exposed for a while. That is, what are we doing to live our expressed philosophies, outside our own heads? In other words, are we just talking a good game of liberal theology, or are we going to do something to change the world into the kind of place we believe it should be? His sermon did not answer the question, of course, but he put it squarely in front of us. Anyone who views the video will understand the challenge, I think. And it’s not just “us” as the collective; it’s “us” as individuals. What am I, personally, going to do? That question merits serious consideration. It forces me to look beyond the privilege of being happy that I am able to engage with like-minded people.  It’s a challenge I’ve felt for as long as I can remember; but for as long as I can remember, I haven’t done much with it. Will I do something with it now that it’s on my mind in a different way? Time will tell.

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Everyone is fragile in one way or another. Each one of us is like a piece of delicate crystal, laced with millions of invisible imperfections. That web of tiny blemishes—I hate to call them flaws—subjects us to all manner of damage, simply by exposure to the jarring events of everyday life. We live in constant danger of everything from minor cracking to explosive shattering.

I remember seeing a disturbing scene on television, in which someone on a subway platform accidentally jostled another passenger, who fell between an oncoming train and the platform. The passenger survived the incident seemingly intact, but he was stuck between the train and the platform. Eventually, viewers learned of the passenger’s mortal injuries. The pressure of the train on his body against the platform prevented him from bleeding out from his internal injuries, but when the train car was tilted away from his body, the man’s internal injuries cause massive hemorrhaging and he died. All that from an accidental jostle on a subway platform. It was fiction, but fiction is simply reality reordered to fit a story; it’s the bottle hurled into the ocean, the one in which the message is found on a distant shore.

Fiction can remind us how delicate and brittle we are. The world around us, too, can prompt us to remember that the crystalline perfection of our lives can crack or shatter in an instant. We may be crystal or we may be fabric; the fabric of our well-ordered lives can snag , rip, or tear, or come completely unraveled. Whether made of dense crytal or flexible cloth, our lives can transform from supremacy to chaos in an instant.

I remember a stanza from a poem I wrote several years ago; it makes me consider how the fabric of our lives, even when it tears, can become comfortably embracing:

We scuffed our emotions against sharp
sentimental objects so many times they
shredded into strings like worn cotton,
as soft and ephemeral as clouds.

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So many things cloud my mind this morning. They have turned what could have been a bright, sunny day into a cold, foggy, wet walk along a desolate pier. It will change. I will walk into the dry sunlight. But, in the interim, I will skirt the water’s edge, hoping I don’t slip on wet seaweed that clings to the wooden boardwalk, spilling into the choppy waters below. I can swim. But do I want to?

+++

Formica. It’s a brand name, but it has become a generic term for a laminate applied to a substrate. The process by which a trademarked product becomes generic is called genericization. Another brand name for the same type of product is Wilsonart. I suspect Wilsonart has invested energy and, perhaps, money into murdering the genericization of Formica. In that sense, I would say Wilsonart is not so much a competitor to Formica, but an ally. But I may be wrong.

There was a time when Formica was the preferred countertop material. It is attracting (depending on one’s perspective), durable, and relatively easy to install. Plus, it’s far cheaper than many of its more upscale competitors. I used to view Formica as cheap crap. I much preferred granite. But, when I got granite, I realized how much more practical Formica is. Granite has been turned into status-stone. The same is true with quartz and stone substitutes like crushed quartz embedded in other materials. Pricey, attractive (perhaps), but less practical than Formica. If I were to build a house today, I suspect I would use Formica in some places; maybe I’d use quartz and quartz-like materials in others. But not granite. And I’d fee snobbish and overly-privileged to use quartz. Odd, the transformations we go through as we age. We ripen into wiser beings with slightly sour outlooks on even sweet vistas.

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So far today, I’ve taken care of the hummingbird feeder, watered the plants on the deck, showered, shaved, washed a load of towels, and written meandering stream-of-consciousness drivel. I’m listening to the “Spa” stream from Amazon Music; it is not doing what I hoped. It is not calming me, putting me in a state of serenity. In fact, it’s beginning to annoy me. Soon, I’ll either tell Alexa to play something else or to be quiet. Or I’ll pounce on her with a heavy rubber mallet and will pound her so she’ll never play another note from a flute again. Back to the towels. I think they’re almost ready for the dryer.

After the towels are done, I’ll head in to Hot Springs to visit my wife at the physical rehab center.

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Friday Evening Roundup

I delivered Janine to CHI Rehabilitation Hospital (AKA Encompass) this afternoon about 6:15 p.m. It took all day for the process of referral to CHI to play out, I guess. By the time she was formally discharged (the paperwork said 2:48 p.m., but the reality said close to 6:00 p.m.), the van transportation that normally would have taken her was no longer available (the driver gets off at 5) and the other option (aside from our own vehicle) would have been an ambulance. Janine preferred that I drive her, so I did.

She hadn’t eaten at the hospital, so I was supposed to tell the Encompass greeting staff she needed to have food. I forgot. So, as I was a mile or two away, when I remembered, I called to tell them I was supposed to let them know. They claimed they already knew.

Several minutes later, as I left the north/east section of Hot Springs on Highway 7, Janine called me. I picked up, but the call disconnected. This happened a few times. Finally, I got through to her and started talking over some odd background noise. She said, “John, shut up.” I said, “What?”

\She repeated it. Maybe twice. I stopped talking. I listened as I continued to drive. I continued hearing the odd noises and indistinct voices; a few “crashes
and sounds like pieces of tableware banging against one another. This went on for several minutes. During those minutes, I began to have strange and awful thoughts: “What if she is being abused by staff?” “What if telling me to shut up was a signal that something is wrong?” I turned around and headed back, all the while hearing this odd cacophony of noise from the phone. I broke several speed limits on the way back, taking the freeway instead of driving through town. When I reached the place, I went to the call box on the front door and said I had dropped my wife off a short while earlier, but had been unable to reach her by phone and was worried. The response was that visiting hours were over.

“I know, but I am concerned that I have been unable to reach my wife and I want to be sure she is okay.” She put me on hold.

A moment later, Janine came on the phone. She assured me she was fine. I asked her to confirm that she was really fine by telling the name of my nephew. She gave me the right name, so I was confident all really was well. I turned around and drove home.

When I returned home, I had two messages from friends from church, offering support and assistance if we need it. The outpouring of support from people near and far has been heartwarming in the extreme.

I spoke to Janine later, at home, when she called from the facility’s phone. The problem was, apparently, just a matter of poor cell service. Plus, she had been unable to disconnect the call. I listened to 26 minutes of odd noises because I was worried she was being abused. After the fact, of course, I came to my senses. Abuse might take place in nursing homes, but I have not heard of such things happening in dedicated residential physical therapy facilities. But, God, I was scared to death for her before I came to my senses.

We do not know how long she might need to stay. The nurse at the hospital said the shortest stay she knew of was four days and the longest fourteen days. At least that’s a range to ponder.

Until Janine returns home in substantially better condition than she left, and until we know and agree to a plan for continuing her rehabilitation after returning home, I will be in worry mode. I know worry does not good; but at least it puts me in a state of readiness to act if things don’t seem right.

I’ll go up again tomorrow (I wasn’t even able to go inside to see her room because visiting hours were over). And maybe I’ll learn more about what to expect.

For tonight, drinking a gin & tonic by myself will be on the agenda. If it concerns anyone that I’m drinking alone, I’m not; I’m having conversations, in my head, with a lot of people.

 

 

Posted in Family, Health | 5 Comments

More News

The only significant matter to report is this: the hospital seems to be leaning toward releasing Janine to a residential rehabilitation facility, where she can get ongoing care and rehabilitation physical therapy. But that will depend on several issues, including:

  1. What the PT assesssment undertaken this afternoon reveals;
  2. The availability of residential beds (Good Sam, her first choice, does not have a bed and will not for at least a week); and
  3. The acceptance of a recommendation for inpatient rehab from both the “receiving” center (where she would go) and Medicare.

Because Good Sam is unavailable, she selected Encompass (formerly CHI Rehabilitation). Now, we’ll wait and see whether she will be accepted and authorized and, if so, when this will take place and for how long.

It’s possible the PT department will recommend home health care, instead; I hope not, in that I think she would get far better treatment in a facility designed for it.

Time will tell. I hope not too much time.

Posted in Health | 3 Comments

Where Decency Thrives and Compassion Flourishes

A friend left a comment here recently, suggesting that some countries’ cultures have a gentler view of the world than ours. That is so true. Our culture evolved from hard-nosed individualism, shedding compassion along the way as if the desire to be helpful in the face of others’ suffering was a weakness. The culture in this country and too many others elevates individualism and views selfishness as a characteristic to be sought after. Concern for the greater good is frowned on in many ways in these cultures. The idea that our collective concerns should guide us to a greater extent than our lust for individual achievement seems, to me, to be a sickness. Individualism cultivates disdain for the greater society from which the individual emerges. It’s an odd expression of self-indulgence that borders on matricide; and we have grown into a culture that promotes and applauds it.

I’ve written before of the struggle between individualism and community. My thoughts on the struggle continue to evolve, but I think these words from a post three years ago still apply: “Individualism is self-responsibility taken a step too far, a step beyond non-reliance into selfishness and penurious thrift.” Two years later, I was more strident in my assessment: “I believe the legend of the rugged individualist should be allowed to die or, if it won’t go quietly, be killed.

Perhaps the fact that my longing for a gentler world-view embraces a certain form of violence against a different one is odd. But I don’t necessarily think so. It’s much like the concept that tolerance must have limits; endless tolerance enables the breeding of intolerance, which is intolerable. Similarly, individualism must have limits; endless individualism promotes the unraveling of civil society, which also is intolerable. The delicate aspect of the equation is found in defining the points beyond which grey areas morph into brilliant red lines that cannot be crossed.

On one end of the spectrum, a utopian social order exists in which concerns for the collective take precedence over individual desire. At the other end of the spectrum, a dystopian nightmare exists in which individual desires always triumph over the needs of the collective. Of course, I realize there may be some who would disagree with my characterization of extreme individualism as a dystopian nightmare. It’s a matter of perspective. Ultimately, it’s a matter of whose perspective will win in an evolutionary timescale. I won’t be here to witness it, unless Trump steals another election. In that case, my argument about a dystopian nightmare will have been horribly and irrevocably proven.

Such are my thoughts on this Thursday morning. My pondering about individualism versus concerns for the greater good are only half-hearted this morning. I wish I knew more about my wife’s condition. I wish I could escape the nightmare of COVID-19 and Trumpism and a world on fire, fleeing with my wife to a magical land where a pervasive sense of collective goodwill is in the air. Canada is the closest place where that dream, as distant and unreachable as it may be, might have a chance of survival. Maybe we can go there after she gets out of the hospital. Or maybe we can just embrace a society in which decency thrives and compassion flourishes.

Posted in Compassion, Health, Kindness, Philosophy, Selfishness | 1 Comment

Update

I’m tired, so this will be brief.

Janine was moved out of ICU this afternoon to a regular room on the floor below. A while after the move, though, her blood pressure dropped precipitously, so the nurse said she may need to be moved back because she would need far more intense scrutiny and monitoring than would be possible on a regular patient floor. However, her blood pressure improved and he said she should be fine to stay where she is.

The hospitalist came by around 11 a.m. and said he was concerned about blood pressure, anemia, lethargy, and her leg, though her leg was not the major issue (though it bears close watching). He said he wanted to continue a dopamine drip and wanted to give her two units of blood; both should help boost blood pressure and the blood should begin to address the anemia and, therefore, the lethargy. Because something (I do not recall what) was increasing her blood sugar level, he decided to give her insulin, as well. The rest of the day was spent as usual in the hospital: blood draws, injections, medications, regular checks of vital signs, etc.

Janine ordered lunch and ate the partial breast of an old, tough chicken that looked to me like it had been starved to death. She also had salad and chocolate pudding. I ate nothing because I did not bring anything with me and they did not offer anything. It’s not like I’ll starve simply by missing a meal or a month’s worth of meals.

After the room move, a nurse (new to the job) suggested I call and order dinner for Janine and ask for one for me. I did. The meal service happily agreed to a meal for Janine, but the guy said he was afraid he could not give me one, as much as he’d like to. He seemed genuinely sorry he could not feed me.

I left sometime around 6:45. Since then, I’ve eaten and spoken to a couple of folks on the phone. My sister-in-law, good person that she is, took care while I was out by taking a box from Green Chef into the house (and refrigerating/freezing what needed those treatments) after it was delivered, along with a new modem.

I may know more, but I don’t recall what it is. It sounds to me like the doctors are planning on keeping Janine for another day or two, at least. We shall see.

Posted in Family, Health | 4 Comments

Relief

Yesterday was impossibly long, beginning when I went to sleep after midnight, awoke at 3:30, and then played out during a day that stretched out almost to midnight again.

My wife’s sister helped me get my wife to the nearby urgent care clinic, where the medical professionals judged their facility incapable of doing much for her swollen, purple leg that she injured when she tripped and fell on the hardwood floor. They suggested I take her to the emergency room at CHI St. Vincent Hospital in Hot Springs, which I did. We arrived at 10:30 a.m.; I left at 7:45 p.m., when they were readying my wife for transfer to the ICU, where a room had been assigned. They opted for the ICU because the hospitalist, Dr. Osborne, wanted to put her on a dopamine drip; apparently, that can be administered only in an ICU, for some reason.

During the course of the day in the ER, the doctors and nurses drew blood, took urine samples, X-rayed her leg, chest, and arm., fed her intravenous fluids, and administered various monitoring tests (e.g., EKG, blood pressure, respiration rate, heart rate, etc., etc.). While my wife’s blood pressure is historically low, yesterday it was extremely low, which was of concern to the medical professionals. Very early on, the nurses vocalized about the “rash” on my wife’s arms, upper chest, belly, and back; they called it petechiae (pronounced puh·TEE·kee·uh or puh·TEE·kee·ee, depending on where you look). The little red dots are caused, according to online sources I found, by intradermal hemorrhaging (bleeding into the skin) and may be attributable to any number of things including liver issues, use of anticoagulant drugs (like some my wife takes), and various other root causes. I found it interesting that, in a few seconds, these ER nurses diagnosed the “rash,” while the APRN at the dermatology clinic my wife had visited had no idea what they were. Maybe the ER nurses were wrong; I suspect we’ll know by the time my wife is released to return home (in a day or two, I suspect). Another diagnosis came during the afternoon; she has a urinary tract infection, which might be contributing to her weakness and some other symptoms she had displayed. For me, those findings alone justified spending some time in the hospital, versus getting piecemeal feedback from various doctors who may or may not be talking to one another.

On the way home last night, I received a text message that two items we had ordered from Best Buy had been delivered: a 43-inch television and a sound bar. I was surprised that two pieces of moderately pricey electronic equipment would have been left without even a signature as proof of delivery, but when I pulled into the driveway, there were two big boxes (with photos of their contents splashed all over the packaging) waiting at the front door. I hauled them inside and decided to leave them for setup another time. I was ravenous (I hadn’t eaten all day), so I fed on various foods in the refrigerator, finishing off a few remaining hot dogs and some Canadian bacon and munching on some raw cauliflower and drinking the two remaining cans of Dirt Surfer IPA beer. And then I did a couple of loads of laundry.

My wife called me last night, just before 11. During the course of our conversation, it became clear to me that she thought she had just awakened after sleeping until almost 11 in the morning. I told her she had slept no more than just under three hours, at most.  She mentioned a few things she wants me to bring to her. I was glad she was situated in her room and was being looked after by medical professionals instead of by me.

I watched a little television, beginning to watch an Australian TV series called Wanted. I was too tired to follow the action, so I finally went to bed just after midnight. I woke up almost seven hours later; I guess I needed that extra time in bed after a fairly stressful, sleep-deprived period.

More people I know than I thought read this blog, it seems. Several people reached out to me between the time I published the most recent post and yesterday afternoon. I can’t adequately express how extremely grateful I feel to have heard from people who wanted me to know they are available to me if I need help.

I’ve written a post here when I did not think I would. I’m off to take out the trash, make breakfast, and take a shower, not necessarily in that order.  So begins another day. I will be the sole visitor to my wife’s bedside a little later (she can have only one visitor per day while in ICU, and I have asserted that it will be me). I’m feeling much better about everything than I did yesterday at this time. And that, my friends, is an enormous relief.

Posted in Family, Health | 5 Comments

Ill-Equipped to Help

I’m going to reveal something personal that I would rather keep private, but circumstances argue I should not keep the situation to myself. If for no other reason, I need to let some people who might happen upon this post know why I may be “out of pocket” for a while.

My wife, who has had all manner of problems with weakness in her legs of late, has experienced more and more restrictions on her mobility lately. The doctors are not sharing much valuable information that might explain the causes, nor the cures (or treatments that might improve the situation). Today, at my insistence, my wife called and left a message with her cardiologist’s office, asking several questions. Late this afternoon, the cardiologist’s office called back. I picked up the phone and took it to my wife. As my wife was heading toward her office with the phone in hand, and before she had the chance to start speaking to the staffer, she tripped and fell face down onto the hardwood floor. In the process she split her lip. I quickly told the caller my wife had fallen and I needed to call for help. I hung up the phone.

I really could not get  her up off the floor without help, so I called 911. A couple of EMTs showed up ten or fifteen minutes after my call and helped my wife to her feet, then to a chair. They gave her a quick once-over and said she was okay.

A little later, though, my wife’s left knee swelled considerably. And it was bruised, badly. I had to help her move around the house; she could not get up from the toilet without assistance. She could not get up from the couch without help. We put ice packs on her knee and her leg. Maybe they’re helping. Maybe not.

The bottom line is this: I want to take my wife to the nearest clinic in the morning to have her injuries checked out. The questions for her cardiologist (and/or her primary care doctor) have not been answered. I want to know why my wife’s mobility is so poor; why she cannot get up out of a chair without help; why the edema in her legs and ankles is so pronounced and why lasix seems to do little to address the problem. And lots more questions.

I’m concerned that I may not be physically capable of looking out after her; if she were to fall again, I would not be able to get her off the floor, so I would have to call 911. It’s not just that, either. It’s mobility around the house. Everyday living that may require more physical capacity than I have. I wonder whether she needs to be treated in a rehab center, where she might be given therapy to regain the use of her leg muscles and where her badly bruised and swollen knee could be properly treated.

I probably am among the world’s least capable caregivers. And I recognize that at precisely the time I need to be among the most capable. I may be out of sight for a while. I may be learning, by necessity, how to be the person I should have been all along.

More when I know it and when I have both the time and the energy to record it. It’s just after midnight now. I feel inept and tired and frightened, all in the same breath. Goddamn it! I should be better equipped to deal with emergencies than I am. I’ve never been good at dealing with crises. It’s one of a myriad of flaws that I’m finally coming to recognize in my old age.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

State of Mind

For a brief while this morning, the outdoor temperature will be tolerable. At the moment, according to my computer and according to my thermometer, the air temperature is 72F. I can vouch for that; I went outside earlier, where I found the air moderately cool but quite humid and deathly still.

While I watered my grown-from-seed tomato plants, I heard something shuffling through the leaves below the deck, so I stopped my chore to take a look. I expected to see a deer but, instead, saw a very large armadillo scurrying along. It disappeared from view for a moment, under a thick clump of weedy shrubs, but it reappeared in an instant, traveling at the same pace in the same direction. The creature looked like it was in a hurry, but its speed was quite slow, as if its short legs could muster only enough energy to propel it forward only so fast and no faster. Despite its slow-motion scramble, it disappeared from view into the forest in a matter of thirty seconds or so. I wander where it was going in such a leisurely rush?

I mentioned the grown-from-seed tomatoes. I doubt I’ll get many tomatoes, perhaps none will endure to maturity. I have not taken the trouble to stake the plants, nor to tie them to cages that would keep them upright, so several of the plants look drunk, leaning toward the deck with their stems akimbo. Despite that, though, several of the plants have very small tomatoes attempting to survive. I mentioned yesterday to my wife that all of the little tomatoes are shaped liked little thumbs. That’s odd, inasmuch as the tomatoes from which I collected the seeds were, to the best of my recollection, “normal” in shape; that is, they were little globes.

I believe the tomatoes from which the seeds came were imported from Canada. I tend to look at the little stickers attached to vegetables I buy from the grocery store; I’m curious as to their lineage. My memory tells me I gathered seeds from Canadian tomatoes. That makes sense, in that I am a serious Canadaphile. I would have worshiped seeds from Canadian tomatoes, hoping I could create a tiny piece of the nation right here on my back deck. The thumb-shape, though, cannot be explained by the origin of the seeds. I have no way of knowing the explanation; it will remain a mystery.

Canada’s tomato crop yields significant rewards for Canadian farmers, thanks to their southern neighbors’ insatiable appetite for tomatoes. Canadian tomato exports, almost all grown in huge greenhouses, are world-famous, at least to me. And now I have my own miniature tomato forest growing on my back deck, twenty feet above the mixed pine and hardwood forest floor. If I were to name my tomato farm, I think I’d call it Hudson. Hudson just sounds Canadian, doesn’t it? Well of course it does! I hope Hudson survives and delivers to me a crop of succulent Canadian-bred tomatoes. But I wonder whether the beastly heat of Arkansas is just too much for Hudson tomatoes? Perhaps I should have moved to Wisconsin, instead? Yes, I think so. I should have moved to that state, so I could be closer to Canada. Maybe even Canada itself? Swoon! Oh,  yes, I could have actually become Canadian. Life would have been so much sweeter as a proud Canadian. A maple leaf tattoo would have looked better on me in Canada, too. I can’t have a maple leaf tattoo in Arkansas; Republican nationalists would have me skewered with spears for such a transgression.

Even the English language is more mellifluous in Canada. The Oxford English Dictionary, which calls itself the definitive record of the English language, would agree, I think. Just ask; it will tell you.

Back to the tomatoes. I am anxious for the little thumb-shaped tomatoes to ripen so I can evaluate their flavor. Will they taste like Canadian tomatoes? Will they make Canadian noises when I bite into them? Will my disposition improve when I eat them? So many questions, but very few answers.

If I were Canadian, my indiscretions would be forgiven. Arkansans tend not to forgive indiscretions. Torrid love affairs are punished by hanging in Arkansas. In Canada, it’s just a slap on the wrist and a sharp word or two. Not that I’ve had torrid love affairs in Arkansas. Yet. But if I lived in Canada, oh the excitement I might have experienced! I would be younger, were I to live in Canada. People just tend toward youth there, even in old age. I think it’s the tomatoes. Canadian tomatoes add years to one’s life and they subtract years already lived. Canadian tomatoes improve one’s vocabulary, too.

There should be a word in the English language that means “a yearning for a gentler nationality that yields a more fulfilling life experience.” If there were such a word, the Thesaurus would suggest synonyms like Strathcona, maple, and neighbourhood.

My mind takes me such strange places. From armadillos to tomatoes to the prairies of Alberta. I am ready for a road trip to Canada. I think I’ll have to make it alone, though. I am crazy enough to do it, but not persuasive enough to lure anyone to come along for the ride.

Time to return to the harsh reality that is Arkansas in July. And to think, I could have been in Canada all this time.

Posted in Just Thinking | 2 Comments

When Life and Death Were Simple

In my mind, I picture an ancient cave-dweller, a man in his early twenties. During the time he lived, the average lifespan of humans was only twenty-six. The rare thirty-year-old or rarer forty-year-old were considered extraordinary. And they were. They managed, somehow, to escape the diseases and infections that came from living in the face of Nature and the danger Nature presented.

But my man has managed to live into his early twenties with almost no serious injuries or illnesses. He lives in a protected cave on the sea-coast, where food is plentiful. His diet consists of an assortment of plants and the bounty of the sea: clams, fish, crabs, shrimp, scallops, mussels, and various other sea creatures. It is a healthy diet, though he does not think of it that way; to him, it is merely sustenance.

One morning, I see the man bring in from the water several blue crabs. He puts them in a shallow pit filled with glowing embers and weighs them down with rocks. After a few minutes, he pulls the cooked crabs from the fire, rinses the ash from their shells, and crack them open. He picks out large chunks of meat from the broken shells and eats it. This is not an unusual sight; he follows a similar routine most mornings.

But this morning, something is different. Soon after he swallows the last bit of crab meat, his face begins to swell and turn red.  He struggles to breathe. He stands up, looking frightened and confused, and pulls at the skin on his neck. He pants and sweats and shakes his head fiercely, as if doing so might cast off whatever demon has his throat and his breath in its clutches. It does not work. In a matter of seconds, his energy is sapped; he sits on a rock, trying to breathe; his trachea is so swollen air cannot reach his lungs. Suddenly, he stands up erect. He puts one foot in front of his body, but it cannot hold him. He collapses. After a minute or two of tremors and seizures, he stops attempting to breathe. His body goes limp. He is dead.

No one witnesses this tragedy. No one but I. And I can do nothing because I see it from the distance of a thousand miles and tens of thousands of years. I cannot send anything to counter his anaphylaxis. I could not foresee it, nor could he. He developed a deadly allergy to a protein he had eaten hundreds, maybe even thousands, of times before. The protein in crab meat suddenly, and without provocation, turned against him. The man’s death in his early twenties contributed to the short average lifespan of his brethren.

The man’s mate, a woman roughly his age or a little older, will find his body in a short while. Returning to their cave near the water, after taking a bath in a cool stream nearby, she will see his body on the sand. She will go to him and attempt to revive him, but her efforts will be futile. She will sit on a rock and cry for a long time. Eventually, her tears will dry and she will do what must be done. She will fashion a sled from palm fronds, vines, and tree branches. She will roll the man’s body onto the sled and pull the sled along the beach about a mile. There, she will dig a hole in the sand, where she will deposit his body. She will cover it with sand and put the sled on top of the mound. Distance and sand will protect her from the odors as his body decomposes. She will return to the cave and seek out food. For that’s what she must do to survive for at least a while longer.

The woman may live to be forty. Or she may suffer the same fate at her mate. She may one day discover that shrimp, too, or mussels or clams can bring on anaphylaxis. But she will never know what killed her mate. She will have no way to “connect the dots.” His death was, to her, simply an unfortunate experience with no known cause. She may find another mate or another mate may find her. She may wither away or be swept away by a ferocious storm. We have no way of knowing.

I know only that I have lost sight of her. My mind’s eye has gone blind.

Posted in Fiction, Writing | Leave a comment

Vibes, Good or Bad

Perhaps I’ve been fooling myself into thinking the isolation and lifestyle changes brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic have had little impact on me. Maybe this intrusion into my day-to-day life has actually had more of an impact on me than I thought. Or maybe something else is causing mood-storms so fierce that lightning bolts escape my eyes and mouth whenever I open those orifices. The way I’m writing about it seems that I’m making light of my moods, but I’m not. I’m distressed at my anger. It can be a raw, harsh, almost indescribable anger than bursts to the surface almost without provocation, responding like a cornered animal striking out against a deadly predator about to swoop in for the kill.

I don’t understand it. I am an introvert and I enjoy my time alone. Solitude sustains me. So why “enforced” solitude would trigger such visceral reactions is a mystery to me. Not that explosive outbursts are outside my realm of experience; I am more than capable of emotional flares. But lately it’s as though I’ve been actively on watch for something, anything, to set me off. Something to give me justification to attack.

But not this morning.

This morning I feel reasonably calm. The reason for the serenity may be that I’m just tired. Maybe I’m worn out by my own internal firestorm burning so intensely the flames doused themselves with water or sucked up so much oxygen the fuel could not burn. Whatever it is, I welcome it. My arms welcome it, though they and the other parts of my body feel weak as kittens. My muscles are sore from tensing, releasing, tensing again. This morning, when I feel my muscles begin to tense, I deliberately stop them; simply to avoid the pain, not to control my thoughts. But controlling my thoughts would be good, inasmuch as they are responsible, in large part, for the rages and the weakness. This morning, only the sorenesss and weakness remains. The rage is gone. Permanently, I hope. Forever banished from my mind and body.

I must realize, though, that if social isolation had any role to play in stoking the fires of anger, the fire is just playing dead. It can come alive at any moment, fueled by white-hot burning embers buried deep inside me. Maybe they always have been there, just waiting for the right moment to burst into full flame, consuming every scrap of fuel until all that’s left is ash and soot.

I’ve used the word “ash” too many times lately, referring to the residue of fierce fires. This morning, I awoke to find the fire extinguished. The ashes are buried in a muddy mess, a thick soup of formerly molten emotions awash in a slurry of the dry dust of anger mixed with a flood of tears. Perhaps a bit overly dramatic. I can be that way sometimes. I can carry emotions like a badge or a shield, depending on circumstances.

My chore now is to rinse away the mud and polish the pristine marble that’s left under my feet. Polished marble. Who knew that was what waited for me beneath a thousand layers of sediment, left there during the period of rebirth after the flood.


And, after a pause, the fire came alive. All it took to set the world ablaze was a tone of voice that suggested my stupidity knows no bounds. The volcano erupted, spewing clouds of pumice and sharp rocks into the stratosphere. The volcano exploded into my bloodstream; I could feel the molten rock throb at my temples and I could feel it course through my arteries and veins like pressurized hoses filled with blood heated to the boiling point. I’m sure they came close to rupturing.  I have to get out of this pressure-cooker, at least for a while. I have to give myself time and permission to release the steam and cool the vessel.

Part of the process necessarily involves looking inward to find the detonator, the fuse that catches fire easily. What amplifies a minor imbalance between positive and negative charges into a lightning bolt capable of knocking out power to the entire Midwest? Negative judgments normally do not spark forest fires, tsunamis, and nuclear force winds; something unnatural is at play here.

Suddenly, I feel incredibly tired again. I will try to get some more sleep. Maybe that will get the good vibes going again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Inside Stories

If I wrote what’s really on my mind this morning, people who read it might feel compelled to alert the authorities that they think I might be suicidal. I am not. If I wrote what’s bothering me, I might be dragged away for my own protection and for the protection of anyone within reach of my influence or my voice. I would have to work to convince them that I’m not a danger to myself and I’m not a danger, at least physically, to anyone else.

After reading, people might wonder whether they are in some way the causes of my angst. They are not. They are not to blame. I, alone, am responsible for the jumble of exposed nerves that crackle like bare electric wires on wet streets. But I can understand how my demeanor, both in words and in reality, might suggest responsibility falls to someone else; my reaction to the world around me might make it appear so, though that’s not it at all. The responsibility is all mine. It’s all driven by those sparking wires touching conductive emotional surfaces.

It’s fortunate that most of us have limited spheres of influence. Otherwise, our personal volcanic eruptions and our magnitude 8.0 mindquakes could cause substantial intellectual and emotional damage in a broad area. Our hurricane-force expressions of anger and offenses taken could be far more damaging if we mattered to the wider world. But, for the most part, we live within our own tiny circles; our own tiny little minds whose limits do not exceed the boundaries of our own skulls. We live in private little worlds that, to us, seem enormous but to those around us are invisible. The torrential rains and tectonic shifts and  fierce winds are, in fact, holograms of artificial events only we can see.

One day, I will gather the shards of my unseen internal emotional outbursts and try to piece them together so that they might make some sense. They could become inside stories of the creature who writes all of this crap but who can’t seem to bring himself to write the real stories that matter. Ultimately, though, the stories matter only to me, I suppose. And that means they don’t really matter much at all. They just take up space that could be used for more productive things. Spikes and spirals. Spikes and spirals. I get so damned tired of spikes and spirals.

Posted in Emotion | 4 Comments

Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

Back to my old habits. Up before 4:00 a.m., ready to face the day. The tune and lyrics to an old song were among my first thoughts this morning:

Well everybody’s heart needs a holiday, some time
And everyone of us needs to get away, some how
Some laughing light-hearted moods
Oh, sight seeing afternoons
And telling a joke or two
‘Cause everyday invites you to find your place in the sun

It’s time to find your place in the sun
Find your place
Find your place in the sun
Its time to find your place in the sun

Every so often, that music invades my head for a while. The song is “A Place in the Sun,” by the California soft rock group “Pablo Cruise.”

This morning, after the music took over my brain (with no help from outside sources; that is, I wasn’t listening to it or reading about it), I decided to explore when it was released. I assumed it was when I was still in high school, but I was wrong. It was released two years after I finished college. I finished my degree in December 1975 (I started the summer after high school and ripped through in 3.5 years); A Place in the Sun was released in February 1977. So, I would have already been working for Birkman & Associates and the Birkman-Mefferd Research Foundation by then.  The dates are a bit fuzzy; that was roughly 43 years ago, after all.

Those moments from 43 years ago began to coalesce, though, as I listened to other tunes from the album of the same name, songs like Whatcha Gonna Do, Raging Fire, and I Just Wanna Believe.  I suspect I still have that vinyl album, still neatly placed vertically on a bookcase. I haven’t owned a working turntable since I moved away from Chicago in 1989, but I still have a moderate-sized collection of records; maybe forty to sixty? Why I haven’t sold them or given them away is beyond me. I’m relatively sure every piece of music on them is available digitally now and the vinyl is just taking up space. That’s true of me, too, though, so I don’t want to be too quick to discard something old and essentially useless for fear of getting into a habit I wouldn’t have the option of breaking.

My sentimentality sent me exploring other music from 1977, songs that would have shaped me in ways that music seems to shape young people (usually earlier than it shaped me, I suppose). That was a year Fleetwood Mac was big and I loved their music: Dreams, Go Your Own Way, Rhiannon, Don’t Stop, You Make Lovin’ Fun.  I remember Don’t Stop being used during Bill Clinton’s celebration after winning the White House. It was a forward-looking anthem of hope that a new generation had taken charge of the country’s future. And now, here we are. Christ. We need to revive that anthem…like right now!

What I don’t recall, but what I read about Fleetwood Mac this morning, are the tales of infidelity and band infighting. Apparently, those issues were making tabloid headlines at the time (and, I gather, still are). I didn’t read the tabloids, I guess. The personal lives of rock stars have never held any particular appeal for me; it’s their music I want, not the drama entangling their lives.

Another song I recall from that period is Barracuda by Heart. I think it must have been mostly the rhythym I appreciated about the song; I remembered few of the lyrics and, when I searched them out this morning, they said nothing to me that made any real sense. I think that was true of a lot of the music I listened to. Another piece I listened to a lot and absolutely loved was a tune from considerably earlier, White Rabbit, by Jefferson Airplane. Google told me this morning that the tune was released in 1967 and first included on the Surrealistic Pillow album. It was just a few years ago that I learned a segment of the lyrics that I had never understood before: “tell ’em a hookah-smoking caterpillar has you given you the call.” I did understand most of the lyrics as a retelling of an experience with LSD or mushrooms or some such hallucinogenic.

I am sure I had a crush on Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac and Grace Slick of Jefferson Airplane and Ann Wilson of Heart.  I was attracted to women who I assumed, because of the roles they played, were strong and unconventional and willing to confront and challenge traditional perceptions of women. I think that’s what attracted me, anyway.  Interesting that thinking of Pablo Cruise, an all-male band, led me to thinking about women rock stars this morning.

Before I leave music, I listened to another track from Surrealistic Pillow this morning that I do not recall hearing before: J.P.P. McStep B. Blues. It was written by Alexander Skip Spence, who I learned was the drummer (at least for a time) for Jefferson Airplane and who also was a singer/guitarist/songwriter for Moby Grape. I looked him up because I like the music; the lyrics for J.P.P. McStep B. Blues appeal to me.

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And what else is on my mind and my agenda today? Well, I am scheduled to go to Grove Park this morning to pick up an order of veggies from Ouachita Hills Farm: okra and radishes. Then, I have a little gathering of men in the parking lot of the church for pastries and conversation, then a Zoom conversation with other people who attended the UUA General Assembly, then a Sardicado Sandwich Gathering; I’ll write about that another time. It’s a busy morning, that’s a certainty.

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And, finally, this morning, I think I’ll work on shedding some weight (not physical, though that would be a welcome thing); some things that I have allowed to saddle me with emotional burdens that I’ve hidden reasonably well, though not always. Life is too short to permit stupid personal imperfections—mine or others’—to stand in the way of happiness. That’s sufficiently opaque to be impossible to understand for others, but it’s sufficient for me to get me through the day; by tomorrow, I’ll have forgotten what I meant by it and, when I read these words a year from now, I’ll wonder what in the hell I was blathering on about.

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You, who have stayed with me this far, are a treasure worth far more than gold.

Posted in Memories, Music, Philosophy | Leave a comment

Message to Myself for the Day (that I share with whoever happens by)

I woke up much later than normal this morning, just shy of 6:00 a.m., leaving me precious little free time to engage in my normal morning routines (at least in their normal order). One of the first orders of business was to put some bacon in a skillet on the stove and let it begin to fry, ever so slowly. While it was releasing an enormous volume of fat, I finished cleaning last night’s dishes after putting away the ones that had been drying overnight on the rack next to the sink. With a clear counter, I could then prepare the other ingredients for breakfast: sliced tomatoes, thinly-sliced jalapeños, and slivers of purple onion. All of those things, and more, would go between two pieces of toast, making a BLT without the L and with the addition of O. Had I added the L, I might have made a BOLJT for breakfast. Alas, it was only a BOJT. Regardless of the absence of lettuce, it was delightful.

After breakfast, which was enough to serve as lunch, too, I went to church to record the video introduction of the Insight speaker whose talk will be broadcast on the church website Sunday. That’s my new job with the church: Insight host. Every two weeks, I’ll be recorded introducing the speaker. Eventually, if we ever get back to in-person services, I’ll be doing it “live.” Today, my voice was a bit scratchy, as I am still recovering from anesthesia administered Monday morning in part through a breathing tube. More on the outcome of that procedure in a minute.

I had planned to stay at church and wander around while computers were being refurbished (more on that, too), but those plans changed. I’m heading in to Hot Springs with my wife shortly, so she can run errands. She claims she does not need me to go along, but her leg weakness and her extreme difficulty making it up and down even low steps convinces me otherwise.

I will return before 2:30, when I will go to the church to meet with a guy who will help me learn the first steps of refurbishing donated computers that, ultimately, will find their way to kids who need them but cannot afford to buy new computers. It’s the other, later, steps I was planning to watch earlier in the day.

The procedure I underwent on Monday, known in medical terms as a cystoscopy and bladder biopsy, was uneventful. I got a call Tuesday morning from the doctor’s nurse, telling me the results were negative: no cancer. Whee! That made me happy. Then, this morning, I received an automated message about a lab update, so I went online to view it. That result said I was diagnosed with chronic cystitis. Not a terrible thing, but I was surprised the nurse did not mention it. Oh, well. The symptoms are not awful. At least they haven’t been.

My wife is ready to go to Hot Springs. So, this constitutes my message to myself for the day.

 

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Another Visit to My Mental Clothing Store

I sit at my desk in my “morning clothes” (t-shirt, gym shorts, flip-flops), thinking these clothes should be perfectly acceptable any time of the day or night and in any place I find myself. They should be just fine at the grocery store, at church, sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, whatever. In fact, I wore essentially the same outfit (different shirt of a different color, and tennis shoes instead of flip-flops) yesterday morning (I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 a.m.; I am grateful to my dear friend for the ride to and from the visit) as I waited to be called back for my cystoscopy and bladder biopsy.

Once I was called back to begin the process, I was instructed to remove every stitch of clothing and to replace them with a gown; the right side of the gown’s shoulder area had snaps that formed an arm-hole, but the snaps on the left side were not closed. Try as I might, I could not form the proper left-side arm-hole. Fortunately, a guy came in shortly afterward to take my vitals; he snapped the left shoulder properly so I could slip on the gown and tie it, as earlier instructed, at the rear.

I have an idea for hospital pre-admission visits, like the one last week when I submitted to blood-letting and other pre-procedure tests and questions: why not give the patient a gown to take home with them? They could put on the gown before leaving for the next hospital visit, saving the embarrassment of hurriedly fumbling with snaps in an effort to be properly covered before the pre-procedure stabbings begin.

Once again, I swerved sharply from my intended lane this morning; I intended to write about comfortable all-purpose clothing and, instead, veered into the vagaries of hospital gowns. Mea culpa.

I have long been fascinated with various forms of Asian men’s clothing: tunic shirts, dashiki shirts, churidar pyjamas and lungi pants (both of which are comfortable-looking pants) and kurta (shirts), the latter three of the Indian subcontinent. I’ve never owned any of them, in part because I do not know where to buy them and, even if I did, I could not be sure that I was ordering the proper size. That is, a size that will comfortably drape over my overly-ample stomach. Also, my arms of unnaturally short, so the sleeve length would be problematic. The same is true for the length of pants legs; my legs begin far closer to the ground (or, conversely, end to soon before reaching the torso) than clothing manufacturers seem to think appropriate. I could, of course, have a tailor alter my clothes, but the expense of modification would probably compete favorably with custom-tailored clothes. That is an idea I’ve played with, seriously, for quite some time. Not seriously enough, of course. I’ve toyed with the concept of buying and learning to use a sewing machine, too. Again, I’ve stopped short of executing the ideas.

As I consider the desirability of simple outfits that ought to work in any setting (the t-shirts, gym shorts, flip-flops combos), I wonder about whether investing in custom-tailored lungis and tunics and kurtas and so forth makes good economic sense. Probably not. But, then, are my “morning clothes” as all-day, anywhere wear going to catch on? Probably not. It has considerably better chance of catching on than does my wish that societal condemnation of public nudity would disappear.

One positive aspect of the COVID-19 pandemic is that I am spending far more time at home, where I can wear my “morning clothes” far frequently than normal. But, as I venture out more and more (but still with social distancing and wearing my mask), I am forced (make that strongly encouraged) to wear clothes that are more constricting, less comfortable, and are considered more socially acceptable than my morning wear. Oh, well.

If I were reading this post, I would question why, if I’m so enamored of nudity, I wear “morning clothes” at home. Good question. The answer is simple: windows. I like to let the light in. There’s a window high about the front door through which people driving down the street above our house can see into the house clearly. I do not want to be responsible for auto crashes involving distracted drivers.

Tomorrow, I have out-of-house obligations that will require me to shed my “morning clothes” in favor of  clothing socially-suited to interactions with humans outside my household. Then, on Thursday, other humans will visit here, again requiring me to wear more socially-acceptable clothing. Ach. It’s a shame we cannot all be casual in the extreme. But, then, I wrote not long ago how I occasionally desire a more “spiffy” look, with traditional slacks, a shirt with buttons, and a stylish blazer jacket. There’s room for everything, I suppose. It’s the frequency, then, that’s of concern. That’s it. Maybe.

Before I leave my John-focused comfort conversation, I should say I have seen a number of memes on Facebook of late that say, in effect, that COVID-19 has allowed women the rare comfort of spending entire days, even weeks, at home in bra-less comfort. I’ll go on record, here and now, to say I think brassieres seem to be designed to minimize a women’s comfort and, therefore, should be abandoned (if that would suit women, of course…I don’t wear a bra and, therefore, don’t have a dog in this hunt). Of course, certain types of bras, like sports bras, if they actually add to a woman’s comfort, would be perfectly fine. At any rate, the acceptability of the social convention of bras for women should be determined by the wearer.

All right, that’s enough. It’s 7:30 and time for thoughts to turn to breakfast.

Posted in Clothes, Covid-19, Nudity | 2 Comments

Civic Responsibility and Civic Vacations

We should forgive ourselves, and one another, for our occasional retreats from the news of the day. We should not judge ourselves for clinging to the safety of ignorance about current events, nor for tolerating a desire to stay “in the dark” about important social and political matters. The alternative to a periodic escape from a frenzied world might well be permanent imprisonment in its swirling chaos.

Yet the legitimacy of one’s withdrawal from the news cycle does not extend to withdrawal from the obligations of citizenship. No matter how frenzied, one must not disengage from the political process because to do so puts at risk the very institutions that grant the freedom to enjoy those occasional retreats from daily news. Voting is a privilege, but I believe it also should be an absolute obligation. To safeguard against obligatory voting spoiled by being ill-informed, though, voting should follow testing to measure knowledge of the political issues at hand. An “issues measurement index” should be developed to accompany every ballot measure (both issue-based and individual-based); failure to achieve a satisfactory level on the issues measurement index would automatically void the vote and subject the voter to mandatory non-partisan issues education, plus a “time fine,” which would require the ill-informed voter to dedicate a reasonable amount of time to civic matters (e.g., cleaning roadsides, removing graffiti from government structures, etc.).

I’m only half-kidding about the punitive measures for demonstrable voter ignorance. The other half is at least a quarter dead-serious.

How, though, can we stay informed and simultaneously retain our sanity? It is not easy, but the process is relatively straightforward. First, identify reliable, unbiased sources of news. In my opinion, a very good resource for finding such news outlets is https://mediabiasfactcheck.com, which rates news media on the basis of factual reporting and editorial/reporting bias. A search on the mediabiasfactcheck.com website reveals the following rating for the Associated Press:

LEAST BIASED
These sources have minimal bias and use very few loaded words (wording that attempts to influence an audience by using appeal to emotion or stereotypes). The reporting is factual and usually sourced. These are the most credible media sources.

Overall, we rate the Associated Press borderline Left-Center Biased due to left-leaning editorializing, but Least Biased on the whole due to balanced story selection. We also rate them Very-High for factual reporting due to proper sourcing and a clean fact check record.

Two factors play into media overload: 1) bias and 2) volume/frequency. Bias can rear its head even when facts are presented fairly; unnecessary frequency tends to exacerbate the perceived urgency and seriousness of subjects. So, fewer exposures to reliably factual sources can keep us informed, while dialing down the stress the 24/7 news cycle tends to bring on.

On the other hand, when the volume of reporting/analyses of issues one finds important shrinks, one’s own view of the importance of the issue can decline; so, even though I feel strongly about an issue, a reduction in the frequency of media reports about it might diminish my sense of urgency about it. Might I decide to skip going to the polls? So, it’s a double-edged sledge hammer, as it were. We can’t let frequency of media coverage influence us one way or another; we must focus on the issue, not the sound bites.

Does this sound remotely like I’m giving myself a pep talk and a warning? Really? I would never have guessed.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Feelings, Food, and Film

I watched a brief, animated video produced by BBC this morning. Entitled, “Is a Crisis a Chance to Reset the World?” It parallels what I’ve been thinking and hearing from others who want the COVID-19 pandemic to serve as a trigger for massive, positive social change. The video gives snippets of information about other global crises that sparked enormous social changes, everything from ending the 100-Year War between France and England to spurring the creation of Britain’s National Healthcare Service.  I hope society collectively sorts things out to create good from the very bad that is the pandemic. Give it ten years; that should be enough time (more than enough time) to determine whether we’re taking advantage of a bad situation or simply using the pandemic as a nail in humankind’s coffin. I have a feeling we might know within months, rather than years.

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For the second time since the COVID-19 pandemic began, we gathered last night at the home of friends who are members of our “world tour of wines” group. Some of them also are members of our church. Practicing social distance as much as possible, we gathered on the deck and enjoyed drinks, conversation, and a dinner of brats and potato salad and corn salad and various sides and desserts. Everyone brought something to share; we brought a dessert of coconut-topped brownies my wife prepared. I did not pay attention to who brought what, but while we were on the deck eating, I learned the source of a simple but delicious corn dish I want to make one day soon. One of my favorites was a fresh jalapeño salsa and chips;  I could have made a meal of that by itself. Everything was good, made even better by the presence of friends. Simple, face-to-face conversation is one of the things from “the way things used to be” that, apparently, I  miss the most.

During dinner, our conversation naturally turned to food. Among the myriad topics we discussed were sardines and steak tartar. One of the folks at the table loathes sardines, but her husband (seated elsewhere) loves them. Another of our table-mates loves them. The topics of our conversation included a dish my wife and I enjoy, named by Alton Brown, “Sardicado sandwich,” a concoction involving mixing together canned sardines, avocados, lemon zest and juice, and chopped parsley and served on dark bread. The outcome of that part of the conversation was to tentatively arrange for the sardine-loving husband and the table-mate sardine aficionado to visit us for a sardicado sandwich lunch sometime soon. The sardine-loathing table-mate asserted that steak tartar originated in France; I thought it was Germany. A quick look online this morning suggests it originated in some form or another in Central Asia as raw meat and was then adopted by the Russians, who exported the concept to Germany, where the additional garnishes (onions, capers, raw egg, seasonings) were added. This explanation came from frenchcountryfood.com, as well as Wikipedia. My assumption about the source has, therefore, been vindicated.

The hosts of last night’s dinner have a beautiful home, made all the more spectacular by her green thumb and his skills at design and building. Last night was our first time seeing a garden “wall” he built using wood and wine bottles (and a few colorful plates). He also built a walkway out of crushed stone, outlined with large stone blocks and hand-made concrete pads. Aside from the enormous amount of physical labor involved in the project, the planning and carpentry/building skills involved must have been quite significant. If I were ever to have such a feature in our yard, it would cost several thousand dollars more than I have at my disposal. My building skills would not do the trick; I would have to hire it done. Oh, well. Such is life.

When we returned home, I spent some time on the deck watching distant fireworks and listening to and feeling the concussions of their explosions. The moon was extremely bright, which made for a beautiful sight, especially when strips of dark clouds passed in front of it. A lunar eclipse occurred last night, but I became impatient waiting for it after viewing the fireworks, so I missed it and watched The Valhalla Murders, instead. The Valhalla Murders is an Icelandic-language (with subtitles, of course) Netflix police procedural drama series. I gather it is based, quite loosely, on a series of real-world events from the 1940s and adapted to modern-day Iceland. The series begins with a murder in Reykjavik harbor; I have watched only the first three episodes thus far; I am enjoying it quite a lot. We shall see how much I enjoy the remaining five episodes.

Most of my television viewing during the past several months has been Netflix-based. I think most of the series and movies I’ve watched since the beginning of the year have been thanks to Netflix.  I claim I do not watch much television. The list of things I’ve watched in recent months says otherwise. Here’s a sampling, off the top of my head (and with a little help from my tele-viewing notes and my Netflix viewing history):

  • After Life
  • Collateral
  • Pandemic
  • The Platform
  • Fauda
  • Unabomber: In His Own Words
  • Dead to Me
  • Ozark
  • Narcos: Mexico
  • Code 8
  • The Laundromat
  • The Stranger
  • American Odyssey
  • Happy Valley
  • Messiah
  • Occupied
  • Taken
  • Da Five Bloods
  • The Foreigner
  • Better Call Saul
  • The Art of Racing in the Rain
  • Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

Of course, some of these are series I began watching last year (or even the year before). But, still. I am too entertained! My wife and I, though sharing similar taste in film to some extent, do not have the same viewing habits. So, I watch my television and she watches hers, nestled in her study with her television.

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Today, I begin my service on the board of my church with a “board retreat” via Zoom. Having spent several hours watching Zoom-based sessions from the UUA General Assembly in the past week or so, I can say with certainty that participation via Zoom is more taxing than being physically present. I do not know why that it, but it’s true. For me, anyway. I have no idea how long the “retreat” will last today, but I hope it does not exceed two hours. We shall see.

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Posted in Film, Food, Television | Leave a comment

Escapism

I said recently my writing is, for me, escapism. Escape from what, though? Specifically, from what does writing allow me to escape? When I insist on an answer, I feel like I’m taking on the identity of an unwilling patient, prodded and poked by a psychiatrist or psychologist and forced to divulge secrets to which I am not privy. It occurs to me that my role is judge, jury, prosecutor, defendant, and executioner; the finding of guilt was predetermined from the start, as evidenced by the fact that there is no defense counsel in the mix. The sentence, death by guillotine, seems harsh for a parking infraction. My thoughts seem to stretch around themselves like rubber bands; if the stress on elastic materials exceeds their elasticity, all hell breaks loose.

Writing is an insufficient escape. Escape involves digging tunnels and plotting ways to disable the guard for long enough to allow me to steal a get-away car. But maybe the prison has no walls, so tunnels and guards are not obstacles to escape. Maybe, instead, the obstacles are imaginary chains whose links cannot be broken with bolt cutters. Perhaps the chain’s links are hollow tubes, bent into ovals inside which my arteries and veins form intricate circulation patterns that cannot be safely interrupted. Ah, so it’s fear that prevents my escape? No, that’s not it. It must be something more powerful than fear. Few things are more powerful than fear.

Five years ago today, I captured the perfection that is chaos. I articulated escapism in words that cannot be enhanced. This is what I wrote:

Much is said about symmetry, but little about the divide between symmetry and satisfaction. We need a little chaos in our lives to appreciate perfect circles and dodecahedrons.

That having been said, I was mesmerized yesterday when I stumbled across an assertion that a tetrated dodecahedron is a near-miss Johnson solid—one with full tetrahedral symmetry—that has 28 vertices, 28 faces, and 54 edges. That explanation provided all the chaos my mind needed.

That escape took me places my mind had never been before and has rarely been since. It took me to a place where trouble cannot find a foothold, where worry is illegal, and where pleasure accompanies every breath one takes. Did I mention nirvana yesterday? It can be found only in the states of intense presence and utter absence. Escapism is available all along that spectrum, but nirvana only at both far ends.

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I purposely avoid writing much about Independence Day, the Fourth of July. If I were to write what I feel about that celebratory moment, I would be branded a traitor. Yet from my perspective, only by refusing to celebrate the hypocrisy of promises made versus actions taken can one truly be patriotic to an ideal. Only by acknowledging unforgivable flaws can forgiveness be received. Only by exposing and condemning oppression and imperialism and exploitation can we burnish the ideals that have been so badly tarnished by the mockery we have made of them.

I do not fly a flag. I read the Declaration of Independence and note the phrase “the merciless Indian Savages” in defending the decision to announce independence. I have pride in my country, but my pride is tempered with the knowledge that many of the great accomplishments of this nation were built on a foundation of genocide and slavery.

When we live up to the ideals expressed in the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, I am enormously proud. When we are reckless in our disregard for our ideals, I get disappointed and embarrassed. When we celebrate our imperfections as though they were lofty goals, I get angry.

Enough about this Independence Day.

Posted in Patriotism, Philosophy | 2 Comments

Lonely versus Alone

I feel a need to capture discrete moments, incidents and ideas that grab me by the lapels and slap me in the face. In no particular order:

  • One of my brothers was told by his doctor he has bladder cancer; another brother had it and recoveredI am about to undergo tests that might reveal I suffer from the same familial affliction (though, based on the urologist’s comments, I suspect my ailment is orders of magnitude less severe).
  • Loneliness is not the same as being alone; being alone is a solitary comfort, while loneliness may take place in a crowded theater, at a family reunion, or on a desolate beach.
  • I startled three large deer yesterday afternoon as I stepped to my deck’s back railingas they looked up at me and froze, I could see the muscles in their backs tense, as if preparing to flee. I spoke to them softly, telling them I was not there to hurt them, only to admire them. They relaxed and returned to their business, tearing leaves from low tree branches and munching on ground cover.
  • My pre-procedure appointment yesterday did, indeed, involve blood-letting; the veins inside my elbows were uncooperative, so a vein on the top of my right hand donated a tube of vampire bait. My vital signs were measured and an EKG was administered; I had never counted the number of wires attached to my body for an EKG before yesterdaythe number was ten. I answered a battery of questions about my medical history and my habits; I lied only occasionally.
  • I think, as people get older, we shed embarrassment like dead skin. We’re no longer as conscious that things we say or do might cause discomfort in others. Or, perhaps, we simply don’t care to be held responsible for others’ sensitivities. I am of a mixed mind on this; whether it’s cruel or compassionate or neither. Not that the topic merits several sentences. Yet my habit is to use as many words as possible whenever possible. That is cause for embarrassment.
  • Guðni Th. Jóhannesson was reelected president of Iceland last Saturday with an overwhelming majority of the vote (92.2 percent). In commenting on his reelection, he said, ““It is clear that Icelanders do not want their president to be involved in politics. That would not be in accordance with constitutional practice or the public’s idea of the position of the president, who is meant to encourage unity and solidarity in good times and bad.” Prime Minister Katrín Jakobsdóttir said of Jóhannesson’s win, “I’d like to congratulate the president on this landslide victory.” She went on to say the majority of Icelanders are pleased with the way he handled matters during his term. I think I like Icelandic “politics.”  By the way, I could tell Iceland’s first lady, Eliza Reid, is not a native Icelander simply by seeing her name. I’ve probably written about that before. If so, excuse the redundancy. She’s a writer, by the way. And she was born Canadian.
  • I read with interest an article about the status of Brexit. The article notes that Britain had until June 30 to request an extension of the transition out of the European Union; apparently, it did not make the request. So, the U.K. will formally leave the European Union after December 31 this year, with our without a trade deal. Some say without a trade deal, the British economy will “rupture,” resulting in massive job losses beyond those already sustained as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. I’m afraid the economic impact of COVID-19 thus far has offered just a hint of what is to come.
  • During my virtual explorations this morning, I came across Los Alamos, New Mexico and nearby (more or less) Cerros del Abrigo (a mountain whose name is translated into English as Shelter Hills). According to Livability.com, among the several reasons to move there is the fact that “the community is filled with hundreds of interesting intellectuals.” On further review, I found that Los Alamos County (and the town) are “leaning Democrat” and have been moving that way for several years. It’s worth exploring. Fewer people, smarter people, more progressive people. Definitely worth a look. A serious downside, though: housing prices are steep, steep, steep.
  • I bought a nice looking strip steak yesterday. We’re not eating much beef these days, but an occasional steak satisfies my yearning for warm flesh. I suspect I’ll grill it within the next few days. I’ll have to cut it in half first, as my wife and I like our meat cooked to different levels of done-ness: medium for her, rare and bloody for me. While I was at the store, store employees were smoking racks of ribs out front; they smelled absolutely wonderful, as always. We bought some once, though, and were unimpressed; they lathered them with a sweet sauce, which masks the flavor of the meat and introduces sweetness that is unnecessary and, in fact, offensive. But why am I complaining about ribs I chose not to buy? My curmudgeonly nature is showing.
  • It’s after 7; time for more coffee, breakfast, and a well-deserved nap for my fingers.
Posted in Just Thinking | 4 Comments

The World Around Me

When I walked out onto the deck this morning, the air felt like cracked, bone dry leather and heavily used, fine-grit sandpaper. Yet the density of extremely high humidity was unmistakable, a set of oddly conflicting sensations that felt natural. And just now, back in my study, when I hit the ‘period’ at the end of the preceding sentence, I looked up and saw the mottled greens and dull greys of an inhospitable morning brought to stunning bright life by the passage of a large deer, a regal doe, slowly making her way down the slope toward the back of the house. Both the deer and the environment around her, suddenly, were incomprehensibly beautiful.

Sharp contrasts often can fade into soft harmonies, each component accentuating the beauty of the other, if one’s mood permits. I suppose the mood is as soft as the harmonies it allows; or maybe one feeds the other and then the process repeats itself. As I think of this possibility, my eyes mist a bit, as I long for a return to a time of peace and mutuality among nations and humankind. As if such a time ever existed. Was there ever a time when the contrasts between cultures and skin colors and religious beliefs and all the other myriad attributes of humankind were allowed to fade into harmonies, each accentuating the beauty of the other?

Will that nirvana ever exist? Not if that nirvana depends on my behavior. I am too quick to judge, too easily rattled, too impatient to allow time to wear down obstacles to peace and joy. Sometimes, I think my absence might be the spark to ignite a passion for universal brotherhood. That’s silly, of course, but one’s subconscious can force one’s consciousness toward strange and dangerous directions. When sanity prevails, and the subconscious demons depart, I realize one person’s presence or absence rarely makes a difference. Occasionally, a truly charismatic leader can so engage so many people that they become followers, disciples as it were. But, as history has so often shown, even the words of the best and most generous and kind and loving charismatic leaders do not always lead to nirvana. Sometimes, it’s just the opposite. Often. Usually. Humankind does not seem universally inclined to accept kindness and generosity and love. But that should not stop us from endeavoring to make it so.

It’s nearing the time I have to leave for my “pre-procedure check-in,” which I assume will involve a little blood-letting, insurance verification, temperature-taking, and who-knows-what-other-forms-of-torture. After the process is done, I’ll drag myself to Kroger to do a little grocery shopping. I loathe the idea of entering a crowded grocery store, especially in an environment in which it seems the majority of people seem to discount the benefits of social distance and wearing masks. But I shall wear my mask. Perhaps I should brandish a weapon, too, just to assert my claim to my social distance spacing? No, I’d like to think I’m not entirely consumed by lunacy, stupidity, and testosterone poisoning. There you go, John, be the change you want to see in the world. Right. I’m not entirely judgmental; just mostly.

Time to go. Enough blathering about the world around me and the me within the world.

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A Course in Calamities

Before I begin, I note that my Google calendar tells me I have a pre-procedure check-in at CHI St. Vincent tomorrow morning. The procedure, a cystoscopy and biopsy of the lining of the bladder, under general anesthesia, takes place next Monday at 5:30 a.m.  I may decide not to write much, if anything, for a while. Or I may continue without interruption. Regardless of the findings from the procedure, I consider the process at least a minor calamity.


All right. Here we are at July 1, halfway through a year engaged in a competition to be named “Most Miserable Stretch of Time in the History of the Planet,” yet we struggle on. I suppose we know, in our hearts, that 2020 will not win. In spite of the Australian and Amazon wildfires, the ongoing pandemic, and the rampant racism and police brutality playing out on television, 2020 has failed thus far to equal the most brutal periods of time on planet Earth. Even the thoroughly incompetent and deeply dangerous dimwit in the White House, ripping the U.S. economy (and its moral standing) into tattered and torn shreds and taking the world’s economy into the sewer with it, has failed to push us forward to merit a win in the abominable competition.

Unless the remainder of the year brings with it pestilence and calamity several orders of magnitude worse than what we have experienced so far in 2020, this year can hope for, at best, a “seventy-fifth runner-up” ribbon. The years of the Irish Potato Famine would take a higher prize, as would each year between 1861 and 1865. And, of course, 1914 through 1918  and their younger siblings, 1939 through 1945, claim more prestigious ribbons. The year 1968 might do the same. There are dozens more. Maybe hundreds. The point is, in the vernacular, “you don’t even know what calamity looks like!” That is not to mock our pain (though it sure sounds like mockery, doesn’t it?), only to put it in perspective. And, by the way, I’m straying beyond the borders of the modern-day U.S.A. only a little, offering evidence of the provincial nature of my formal education.

But consider, for example, how awful the year 79 A.D. was for Pompeiians living in the shadow of Mount Vesuvius. Geologists say the volcano could erupt again in an unprecedented explosion any day; millions could perish in such an event, which could quickly propel the year of eruption beyond many other ribbon-holder years.

The winner of each competition thus far has been, and remains, the Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event, that cataclysmic reordering of the planet’s priorities that followed the moment the Chicxulub impactor struck off the coast of the Yucatan Peninsula. Geophysicists and their scientific brethren say the asteroid could have been as big as fifty miles in diameter when it struck Earth. The poor dinosaurs did not have a chance.

With the exception of the Cretaceous–Paleogene extinction event, all of the events I have mentioned were catastrophic simply because human suffering factored into them. What about the miseries suffered by other creatures? Does our empathy and compassion extend beyond the pets we coerce into depending on us for food and shelter? (Have you noticed a change in tone?) I’ll stick to human tragedies for the time-being, nonetheless.

Calamities and catastrophes and cataclysmic events occur at various scales. While death and suffering involving hundreds or thousands or millions is stunning in its scope, individual death and suffering is equally momentous to those most directly affected. When examining calamities on an individual basis, the loss of a parent or spouse or sibling or close friend is apt to be more devastating than the loss of a job or the assassination of a world leader. Yet we seem to measure the size and extent of horror based on volume, either of victims or of spectators. Even though we are emotionally crushed—with far greater personal consequences—by the death of a loved one, that earth-shattering occurrence is not judged by others to be as brutal and difficult as a flood that takes the lives of hundreds of strangers.

I understand all of this, of course. I comprehend the difference between the impact of an individual death and the emotional consequences of massive loss of human life. Because we are, indeed, all interconnected, rips in the fabric of our lives cause us pain, but those interruptions in the cloth have different effects on us, depending on the proximity of those jagged lacerations to our emotional core.

Calamities come in all forms, in all sizes and shapes. Regardless of their size or source, they transform us, either individually or collectively or both. Our private and personal calamities are, perhaps, the most impactful; they are the ones that alter the course of our existence more immediately and more deeply than distant, impersonal calamities. Yet, as philosophers and poets and deep thinkers over the millennia have suggested, each of us humans is simply a tiny cell in a much larger creature; were they thinking of us as cells of a parasite? Probably not, but maybe.

We hope to avoid catastrophic changes in our lives, upsets that upend the serenity we so fervently seek. But life can change, or disappear, in an instant. Our control is limited by circumstances. Everything we think and everything we do relies on context; when context refuses to adhere to our wishes, we must simply ride the waves and hope we do not drown.

John Donne wrote Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII, from which his famous poem emerged and was claimed by the world. His words, taken from a paragraph of free verse, (modernized in spelling, below) and immortalized were:

No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less,
as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were: any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee.

To serve as a resource for myself, I will reproduce the Meditation XVII in full below:

PERCHANCE he for whom this bell tolls may be so ill as that he knows not it tolls for him.  And perchance I may think myself so much better than I am, as that they who are about me, and see my state, may have caused it to toll for me, and I know not that.  The church is catholic, universal, so are all her actions; all that she does, belongs to all.  When she baptizes a child, that action concerns me; for that child is thereby connected to that head which is my head too, and ingraffed into that body, whereof I am a member.  And when she buries a man, that action concerns me; all mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated; God employs several translators; some pieces are translated by age, some by sickness, some by war, some by justice; but God’s hand is in every translation, and his hand shall bind up all our scattered leaves again, for that library where every book shall lie open to one another; as therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come; so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness.

There was a contention as far as a suit (in which, piety and dignity, religion and estimation, were mingled) which of the religious orders should ring to prayers first in the morning; and it was determined, that they should ring first that rose earliest.  If we understand aright the dignity of this bell, that tolls for our evening prayer, we would be glad to make it ours, by rising early, in that application, that it might be ours as well as his, whose indeed it is.  The bell doth toll for him, that thinks it doth; and though it intermit again, yet from that minute, that that occasion wrought upon him, he is united to God.  Who casts not up his eye to the sun when it rises?  But who takes off his eye from a comet, when that breaks out? who bends not his ear to any bell, which upon any occasion rings?  But who can remove it from that bell, which is passing a piece of himself out of this world?

No man is an island,  entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were;  any man’s death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Neither can we call this a begging of misery, or a borrowing of misery, as though we were not miserable enough of ourselves, but must fetch in more from the next house, in taking upon us the misery of our neighbors.  Truly it were an excusable covetousness if we did; for affliction is a treasure, and scarce any man hath enough of it.  No man hath affliction enough, that is not matured and ripened by it, and made fit for God by that affliction.  If a man carry treasure in bullion or in a wedge of gold, and have none coined into current moneys, his treasure will not defray him as he travels.  Tribulation is treasure in the nature of it, but it is not current money in the use of it, except we get nearer and nearer our home, heaven, by it.  Another may be sick too, and sick to death, and this affliction may lie in his bowels, as gold in a mine, and be of no use to him; but this bell that tells me of his affliction, digs out, and applies that gold to me: if by this consideration of another’s danger, I take mine own into contemplation, and so secure myself, by making my recourse to my God, who is our only security.

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