Hi(story)

The experiences we hear and read about from a hundred years ago are stories told from biased perspectives. No matter how “true” they are, the facts filter through the lens of at least one person and probably dozens or even hundreds.  We no more “know” the life experiences of a hundred years ago than we “know” what it feels like to be a person of a different gender or a different color; we can only attempt to understand.  So, in a very real way, we have no knowledge of history but, rather, an impression of someone else’s interpretations of history.

It matters not whether we’re looking back one hundred or one thousand or fifty years. Interpretations and intervening experiences that color our recall cloud even our own memories. Misperceptions and judgments and analyses clog our body of knowledge, distorting our understanding.

The credibility of the story-teller is not the only concern, it’s the story-teller’s ability and willingness to scrape away as much interpretive skin from that body as possible, revealing the bare bones beneath. When we strip the body to the core, we distort the facts, again, with our own interpretations of reality.

All of this is to say we know nothing. We simply interpret experience and then we tell stories, which then are re-told, changing in some fashion in the re-telling. History isn’t fact, it’s an assessment of what we believe the world was like days or years or millenia earlier.

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One Hundred Twenty-One

Shadows dance across the leaves and branches of the trees outside the window of the room where I spend time in the late afternoon. Wind rustling through the branches causes dark shadows to move back and forth over the lime-green new-growth leaves, creating an odd moving image, like the leaves are scooting back and forth and up and down across my line of vision. This effect makes the trees seem frenetic, anxious to be part of the action.

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An Elderly, Productive Place

The walls are dull, the white paint over the cinder block walls faded and chipped.  Near one of the metal doors leading outside, dirt or mold stains the mortar lines in stair-step fashion down from the ceiling, suggesting there is, or has been, a water leak. The door is chalky, gritty grey, with a thin vertical rectangle window above the horizontal bar that disengages the strike to allow the door to open when pushed.

On one side of the room, a line of pottery throwing wheels, paired to face one another, stand side by side.  On the other side of the room is furniture and equipment: square work benches, a slab roller, a heavy table with a clay extruder attached to a bench. On the wall behind this assortment of equipment are lockers where students keep their clay, their sculpting tools, and miscellaneous supplies.

In the center of the room is a hundred-foot path to the glazing area and, beyond, the kilns.

Everything about this place looks old and poorly maintained. Even the concrete floor shows signs of wear. This place cannot be cleaned and painted into modernity; it is forever relegated to the years when it was young, years that have long since grown old.

Though it looks old, the studio is a productive place.  It could use some newer equipment and a good cleaning, but it serves a purpose and serves it well.

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One Hundred Twenty

We acknowledge just four seasons.  Look around you, every day for a year, and you will see clear evidence there are many more. Day before yesterday, for example, I enjoyed a day that could not possibly be classified as Spring (or Summer or Fall or Winter).  It was something in between, an admixture of seasons sprinkled with climate change and intellectual poverty; there was just a dash of corporate arrogance thrown in, too.

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And then everything changed

This gallery contains 5 photos.

Today began dull and blank, but it grew better over time, the way days sometimes do. I was able to do more in my pottery class than I expected. Inasmuch as today was the next-to-last class of the semester, and … Continue reading

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A Place Holder

Once again, I find myself lacking for anything of merit or interest that belongs here.  If something else pops into my head today, I’ll replace this with the “something else.” Otherwise, I will let this stay here for a day or two, and later will put it out with the garbage, where it belongs.

Have you ever felt like your brain was awash in ash and chalk, wetted just enough to make every thought slippery and unable to get traction?  Then you are familiar with the cloud in my head.

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One Hundred Nineteen

I can saw through steel with the right hacksaw, but I can’t saw through ignorance, not even with a laser saber. Ignorance, especially willful ignorance, is the sort of thing that burns red hot holes in my brain, causing empathy and understanding to spill out onto the ground, as useless as a fountain pen in an atomic blast.

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Choking

I know the streets of large cities are filled with disaffected youths. I understand that their arrogance is hard to accept and harder still to deal with. I realize there’s a massive gulf between my experiences and the lives of people for whom every day is a struggle against racism and poverty, just as I appreciate that there’s a huge gap between my life and the lives of police officers who encounter anger and hostility every day.

My understanding notwithstanding, I am choking on the fact that Baltimore is burning. I am choking because I cannot accept that so many Black men die at the hands of police. I am choking because I cannot accept that the solution to bigotry and oppression is rampant violence. I am choking because the solutions to poverty and racism do not involve pillaging neighborhood stores and attacking racists and those who look like them and setting fire to entire cities.

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Shreds

His eyes reflect his posturing, that ugly affect meant to intimidate those who would oppose him. Looking deeply into those eyes, though, one sees the abject terror within, the fright that bubbles up from the core. His only weapon—the hatred that rips even his friends to shreds—is fear turned on itself, despair turned inside-out, a sharp, fiery claw cleaving his enemies into pieces even as they reach out to him in empathy. He can’t tell friend from foe.

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One Hundred Eighteen

Don’t let anyone else think for you. It’s the surest way to intellectual poverty.

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Indecisive

I can be indecisive.  Really, really indecisive.

Today, our writers’ club will devote its meeting to practice readings, in preparation for our annual event, L’Audible Art, in which members read their poetry, short stories, etc. Each of us who opts to do a reading has five minutes.

Until this morning, I had not decided what I would read.  I’ve been going back and forth between two stories, both of which were surreal fantasy.  But I really wanted to read something a little less fluffy.  So, finally this morning, I decided on a dramatic action vignette.  It’s a revised version of something I posted here yesterday. I called it “Mistake.” The revised version, which I worked on last night and this morning, is called “Sliding Toward the Edge.”

I’ve practiced reading it this morning, as well as an absurd little whimsy story called “The Story of Steve.” I may take copies of both with me to the meeting; I could change my mind again.

Actually, I’d like to read both of them, but each writer must select only one.  I think I’ve made up my mind.  I think.

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One Hundred Seventeen

Yesterday morning, I watched some of the oldest known video taken of London, England. Seeing video images of people in London as early as 1890, and more video in the first years of the twentieth century, was stunning.  Eleven minutes worth watching: https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=648&v=O_me3NrPMh8

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Mistake

A massive arc of water erupted from beneath the tires of an oncoming pickup, illuminated by its high beams like a huge white fan of blinding light.  Garland Gerber hated driving at night, especially on wet roads. Roads on which traffic had worn tire grooves that collect water were the worst.

“You bastard,” Garland Gerber muttered, as the spray inundated his car’s windshield, “if you had a shred of decency, you would dim your headlights. And you wouldn’t be driving so damn fast in this weather.”

His wife, Christine, winced and gripped the arm rest a little tighter.

Heavy rain had been falling for more than an hour, but its intensity increased dramatically as they approached Hot Springs.  The roadside ditches could still handle the flow, but where the flowing water reached a culvert, there was just too much volume; the water spilled over the roadway in sheets an inch deep and twenty feet across. Every time Garland’s Toyota Matrix hit a culvert cross-flow, the car hydroplaned to the right for a second, sending shivers down his spine.  Christine reacted to each sideways slip by taking in a sharp breath and digging her nails deeper into the arm rest.

“You’re going too fast for conditions,” Christine said, after a particularly troubling slide over a pool that had collected in a long concave section of the road. Garland responded by pursing his lips and pushing a little harder on the gas pedal.

“Oh grow up! Slow down, Garland! This road is bad enough without you making it worse.”

He hated it when Christine rightfully chastised him for behaving badly behind the wheel. He was especially annoyed when she was so clearly right and he was so obviously being childish.

Another arc of water burst up from the roadway, temporarily blinding Garland.  Just as his vision returned enough so he was able to see the stripe marking the edge of the pavement, another spray covered the windshield and the car hit another broad stretch of water washing across the road. The Matrix hydroplaned sharply toward the right side of the road. Garland whipped the wheel to correct the car’s direction, but steering seemed to have no effect on the car’s motion.  Garland fruitlessly spun the wheel back and forth until, suddenly and violently, the tires found traction.  The front of the car veered sharply, the right side dipping hard; the car leaned and again slid for what seemed an eternity until the two passenger side tires slammed against an obstruction, flipping the car onto the passenger’s side for a fraction of a second before continuing the roll. Just as the car spun off the roadside, it completed the roll, slamming the roof hard against a flat expanse of exposed stone and tumbling into a water-filled ravine below, wheels down in a raging torrent.

The water, flooding in through the smashed windshield, was cold as it flowed over their feet.  Neither of them made a move for a few seconds after the impact.  Garland groped for the dome light switch and flipped it; though dim, it provided enough light to see one another.

“Are you okay? Do you have the pocket knife?” Christine finally blurted out as she struggled to unbuckle her seat belt.

“Uh, I think I’m all right. You?”

“Do you have the pocket knife?” she asked again, more urgently. “The one with the seat-belt cutter and glass break tip.”

Garland’s hands moved in slow motion as he reached inside his pockets.  Suddenly, he felt the water reach his crotch, then almost at the same instant, it was at chest level.

“Take a breath, Crystal!” he screamed, just as the water rose past her jaw.  He drew in a short breath before the water covered his mouth.

Struggling to retrieve the knife from his pocket, Garland felt a burning sensation in his lungs; a monstrous pressure in his chest was almost too much to handle. I’ll have to let out my breath, he thought, looking over at his wife, who seemed oddly calm.  She looked at him quizzically and made a motion with her arms and hands, pulling up her shoulders and stretching her arms in front of her with her palms up as if to say, “Now what?”

Finally, he pulled the knife from his pocket, reached over to Christine and sliced her belt, then cut his own.  With two sharp jabs of the glass break tip, his driver’s side window disintegrated into tiny shards of glass that fell in slow motion through the water into the car. After crawling out the window, he reached in and took Christine’s arms and pulled her out of the car, then stood upright, holding Christine in his arms. He was shocked that, when he stood, he rose up out of the water; it was just a bit more than chest-deep.

He coughed violently for a few seconds, sucking in air with each spasm.

Christine breathed in deeply, slowly, before saying in almost a whisper, “If you had a shred of decency, you would have listened to me. You almost got us both killed. And my name is not Crystal, you bastard.”

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One Hundred Sixteen

The smell of a burning hardwood log and the dancing flames that produce that smell are intoxicating. They can put me in a trance and take me far away from the things that I might burn in lieu of the log if I could.

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Funk

Today, I’ll drive into Little Rock to listen to authors speak about their books, their poems, and their lives on this lonely planet. I’m not in the mood for a solo trip into Little Rock, but duty calls; I am responsible for arranging programs for monthly meetings of a writers’ group and the Arkansas Literary Festival holds promise as a “screening room” for potential invitee speakers.

I would rather spend the day wandering small town flea markets, searching for something that captures my imagination. Or, perhaps, I could use the meat grinder I found at a garage sale to make sausage.  But sausages (the way I envision making them) require a decent wood smoker, so grinding meat would be an exercise in wasted energy.  And, of course, I’d need the appropriate cuts of meat, amply marbled, not a commodity I keep on hand. Those obstacles close the door to the possibility of making sausages. And, I suppose I have to admit, the commitment to the club closes the door to wandering in flea markets. But still…

JSPlatesIf I had the space and supplies and equipment, I could try making plates or bowls out of clay. My pottery endeavors thus far have been underwhelming, but people with far more experience than I claim practice will yield good results.  “Give it time,” they say, tacitly acknowledging the quality of my pottery-making leaves much to be desired.  A close look at some tiny plates I made recently (click to see larger versions) reveals amateur work, but I like the glazes I used, especially because they conceal some of the most egregious flaws.  Alas, I have neither the space nor the equipment and the pottery studio at the community college is closed on weekends, so that’s not an option. That, and my obligation to find speakers, prevents me from potting on this day that promises summer-like temperatures.

A more pressing need, and time that would be well-spent, would be selecting and practicing a short story to read in an upcoming writers’ club event.  I’ve written several pieces that I find unsatisfactory for one reason or another; I may be forced to dredge up a silly story I wrote some time ago that some people find appealing.  I’d rather pick a more serious piece, but the ones I’ve written are too long and my creativity of late has been sorely lacking. Yet, I will not address that issue today for, as I keep reminding myself, I must travel to Little Rock to listen to authors. That should not feel like work to me; but, today, it does.

Tonight, after I return from Little Rock, I’ll join a party-already-in-progress, a potluck gathering at a neighbor’s house.  Last year, this neighbor held a similar party; thirty-six people attending, bringing casseroles and deviled eggs and salads and such.  The place was packed, but it was an opportunity to meet people from up and down the street and around the corner.  Perhaps an encounter with some of these people, or the food they bring, will be the spark I need to get my creative juices flowing.

I don’t know the source of the funk in which I find myself. Perhaps the cancellation of our several-day-long road trip (the one that replaced the cancelled five-day trip to New York) put me in this funk. I am ready to climb out of it. Maybe a one-day trip to Little Rock is just what I need.

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One Hundred Fifteen

I remember times when I’d lay awake for hours, trying to get to sleep, knowing sleep would come eventually but wanting desperately for it to come instantly. Those are not old memories, either.

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Complacency and Risk

I recently read an article I wrote more than seven years ago, warning of the dangers of complacency.  The article dealt with complacency of businesses and the effects thereof, but the arguments apply as well to individuals and organizations.

I wrote about the dangers of complacency, citing Blockbuster as an example of its dangers. Today, Netflix is a big, thriving business. It began as a provider of video DVDs, a service it still provides, but it adapted as technology changed and allowed for streaming videos. Blockbuster is a mostly a memory, living on only through legacy services through DISH Network.  Blockbuster, too, was a big, thriving business.  But unlike Netflix, it did not adapt to changing times and changing technologies; it was complacent and its complacency exacted a heavy toll.

The topic of complacency was on my mind because I think there’s a danger in becoming complacent as a writer. If I write what has always been written, or if I treat the subjects about which I write the same way they have always been treated, I might be comfortable, but I might also be assuring the irrelevance of my writing. Risk is hard to accept, but sometimes it is the only thing between success and failure; the absence of risk does not assure success any more than taking risks assures failure.

Within the next few months, I may illustrate my points by illustrating what I consider risks in writing; right here on this blog.  Those risks might bring failure.  They may not.

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Six Word Short Stories

A bogus story about six-word short stories captured my attention a couple of weeks ago. The story claimed Hemingway won a bet against fellow writers about whether he could write a six-word short story.  He won, the story goes, with the unforgettable and heart-rending: “For sale: Baby shoes. Never worn.”  Hemingway did not write that, but the myth continues.

My writing tends toward “why use six words when you could say the same thing with thirty-six words?” So, economy of language often eludes me. Therefore, as an exercise in improving my ability to write more with less, I decided to try my hand at the six-word short story.  Here are a few that spilled from my fingers:

Six Word Short Stories

The dog’s master never came home.

She forgot everything but his coffin.

He cried for help; none came.

The antidote arrived two minutes late.

She loved him far too late.

Maybe God loved her; not me.

I died on her first birthday.

The train left as I arrived.

She decried vaccinations. There’s baby’s grave.

She camped in the volcano caldera.

He forgot to trip the breaker.

Her kiss was his last experience.

The children forgot their absent parents.

He paid dearly for teasing snakes.

 

 

 

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One Hundred Fourteen

A couple of days ago, after getting home mid-morning from my pottery class, I sat watching the eighty-five-year-old man next door blow leaves and pollen off his driveway.  Even before he came in view with his leaf blower, I saw bursts of yellow dust rise from the concrete. The day before, he and his wife washed their car on the same driveway. Those people do not sit around; they engage the world around them.

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Seeing Things Differently

I once read a description of the color of a woman’s skin that has stayed with me for years. Unfortunately, I don’t know where I read it, nor who wrote it, but it stuck with me. The description said a woman’s skin was the color of wood.  I think that, when I read it, I imagined a piece of two by four pine lumber, fresh from the lumberyard, with its light yellows and vanilla and beige swirls.

Looking down at my forearms, I don’t think of the color of wood, pine or otherwise. I think, instead, of distressed and neglected blonde leather, cow hide exposed to the elements.

When I look in the mirror at the sand and grey and silver mop on my head, I see pewter sitting in a dust storm, dealing with a similar pattern of neglect.

My eyes are not the brown I’ve always said they are. No, they are rings of craggy, short slivers of green and gold and brown compressed into dark beige circles and surrounded by white that’s punctuated with red and pink blood vessels.

I tend not to look long and deep enough at what I see before me.  When I force myself to look, hard, I see things that hide in plain sight.

It’s not just color, either. It’s texture. I am looking down at the top of a little old corner desk that is crying out to be refinished. Because it’s a corner desk, the wood grain that “normally” would be either horizontal or vertical is, instead, angled at about forty-five degrees. For reasons a designer might understand, a close-up look at that angled wood grain makes the old desk look modern and Asian to me, though stepping back from it clearly corrects that misperception.

Back to my skin, the leather looks dry and fragile, like it could split at any moment. Maybe the look of fragility comes from the scales I see, but that disappear on closer inspection.

I am writing to write this morning, not because I have anything to say. Some mornings, that’s just the way it is. Well, I have things to say, I just am not prepared to say them.

I started writing something else this morning.  Here’s how I started:

A fine mist of bacon grease erupted with each strip of thick bacon Jim laid in the black cast iron skillet.

“Oh, that’s a grand smell, isn’t it?” he asked Derrick, the Irish setter sitting expectantly on its haunches beside him in front of the stove. “You know you’re not getting any of this, don’t you? Well, maybe one piece if you’re good and you don’t tell Jenny.”

Jenny wouldn’t be up for another hour, so Derrick’s chances of getting a piece of bacon were good. The dog’s eyes shifted from the pan to Jim and back again as he lifted one front paw, then the other, then repeated the process in a quiet but energetic flurry of activity. Jim looked down at the restless pet, cocking his head to mimic the dog. “If that’s patience, Derrick, I don’t want to see you when you’re over-eager.”

It was too much like a Norman Rockwell painting for my liking. Derrick may get dressed up a little. Perhaps he begins to show signs of rabies? Probably not.

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One Hundred Thirteen

Drama sizzles as it hits the pan and disappears like steam.

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Say What?

I thought I’d gotten over it. But every time I look at the LinkedIn profile of someone who’s still involved with a business or a career, I get pangs of…I don’t know what. On the one hand, I want to jump back into business, get something done!  On the other, I recoil at my interest in returning to something so toxic.

Maybe I’m competitive, not just with others, but with myself.  Maybe the unhealthy aspect of business, the aspect that seeks “more, better, more, best,” is what draws me back.  But, on another level, I did truly enjoy competing, showing off, demonstrating that I had the wherewithal to do things others didn’t.  Often, I gloated (internally) that I was able to get things done without the benefit of formal business education, while people with BBAs and MBAs didn’t seem to have the innate drive and determination I had. But that was, I suspect, mostly egotistical drivel, driven by pride and personal greed.

I want, more than anything, to bring happiness to people I love. So why, instead, am I pursuing writing as if it were paying the light bills and keeping food on the table? Well, maybe I’m only pretending to pursue it like that.

I don’t want writing to become a substitute for an unsatisfying career.  That would be a terrible thing, in so many ways.  I  want to write for me. But that’s just so much hogwash, I think. If I truly were writing for me, I wouldn’t bother sharing it.

This is late-in-the-day stream-of-consciousness swill that belongs in a tabloid, not on my blog.  But here it is. I have not been employed by a tabloid. Not yet.

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Obscure

Seven women fretted on the dock, waiting for the survivors to disembark the crippled ship. One of them collapsed, weeping inconsolably as the fifth of the five survivors to limp off the gangway kissed his wife. The last woman stood shivering, sensing the decay of the last shred of the warm sun, obliterated by the shadow of vacant space.

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One Hundred Twelve

Play as long as you can, then remember the times you played, then wish for more time to play. Eventually, your wish will be granted. Maybe not, but it doesn’t hurt to hope for the best.

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Serenity, Interpreted

I just stumbled across a post I wrote on January 23, 2011 on another blog that I abandoned some time ago.  Reading it made me catch my breath at what I felt when I wrote it and what I still fee.

Serenity
I am trying to adopt a more serene outlook on life. It is not easy for me. I’m not saying it’s “hard,” but it’s not easy. That is, serenity does not come naturally to me. I am not a naturally calm person. I have to focus on it. I have to devote energy and thought and energy to it. I have to reign-in my natural inclination to be intense. There’s something wrong with that, I think. Not wrong to have to reign in my inclinations, wrong to have to fight so hard to be at peace.

Maybe I don’t understand what serenity is. Or maybe I do, but just can’t achieve it. I suspect most of us can’t, if truth be told. Is the Dalai Lama really at peace? How can he be so intense, then? How is it that I can achieve some sense of serenity only through rather intense effort? The serenity achieved thereby, I’m afraid, is not serenity. It’s more like forced relaxation. There are competing forces at work and they do not comfortably inhabit the same body, nor the same brain. I’ve been told yoga could be an answer.

But I don’t yet know whether I’m asking the right questions. So the answers I might get could be responses to irrelevant remarks, retorts to inquiries about inexplicable tensions between forces that are not opposed but simply incongruous. I mean, the questions may be unrelated and completely disconnected. Like asking whether it’s better to be kind to violent children or to prefer morphine over dandruff shampoo.

Am I being sufficiently opaque? I don’t mean to be. I really don’t. But I’m exploring long explored, yet still-uncharted, waters here. These are things I’ve long questioned, but about which I’ve never found satisfactory answers.

Perhaps calmness and serenity come only after turmoil and intensity. Smooth stones, frequently seen as symbols of serenity, are the result of long and violent interactions with the forces of nature: water, wind, collisions with other stones and sand. Perhaps my serenity will come only after I, too, have sufficient exposure to the broken shards of life on Earth to wear me down.

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