One Hundred Eleven

Over time, wooden furniture takes on some of the characteristics of the people with whom it shares space. It remembers dinner parties when beverage coasters were not used. Dogs, oblivious to their paws’ power to scratch, leave their marks on both their masters and their masters’ furnishings. Eventually, porous wood smells like the people who use it, the same way people tend to absorb the odors of the wooden benches on which they sit.

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Sprites

Linda awoke just before daybreak, full of energy and anxious to explore the forest. She jumped out of bed, brushed her teeth, combed her hair, and examined herself in the bathroom mirror. Her straight, shoulder-length golden blonde hair shone brightly in the mirror, framing her pretty face with its pale, cream-colored skin. Blue eyes, the color of the sky, looked back at her as she stared intently into the glass while fussing to get her cherry-red lipstick put on just right.

When she was satisfied that she was presentable, she danced into the kitchen, humming a song her mother used to sing to her when she was just a toddler.

She prepared a breakfast fit for a king: ripe tomatoes, hard cheese, kippered herring, and  a piece of dark rye bread. After washing down her breakfast with a cup of strong, black coffee and a glass of water, she set out for a hike.

During the cool morning hours before the sun’s rays warm the forest floor, attentive eyes can see sprites skipping from leaf to leaf and blade to blade, splashing and sipping water as they dance through the forest. Sprite-spying was one of Linda’s favorite pass-times, after reading, of course. She’d often play games with forest sprites, peeking around the trunks of big pine trees just far enough so they could see her, then quickly slip back behind the tree the moment a sprite spied her.

On this morning, Linda spied several sprites and played her games with them, laughing quietly at their sounds of surprise and dismay when she disappeared from view. (Sprites are, intellectually, quite inferior, you see, so they don’t quite understand how slipping behind a tree can make an object disappear.)

As she disappeared from view and heard the clatter of sprite surprise, she also heard another sound; something that sounded like a coarse rasp drawing slowly across a piece of wood. The sound seemed to come from behind her, so she wheeled around to see what made the awful noise. There, not fifty feet from her, was a huge feral boar that had huge cutter tusks extending up and out from its lower jaws. The raspy sound she heard was the beast’s upper whetter tusks scraping across the cutters to keep them sharp and deadly. The monster’s eyes fixed on her; the moment Linda’s eyes met those of the hog, the animal rushed at her, its hooves ripping through the underbrush, flinging dirt and mud and pine needles every which way.

Linda had no way to escape. She was far too slow to outrun the creature and too delicate to fight. She might have been able to climb into a tree to avoid the rush, but the branches were too high for her to reach. Just as she opened her mouth to utter what would have been her last scream as a living being, something impossible happened. A whirlwind of sprites, sparkling with the dew on their tiny bodies, swooped across the pig’s path, startling him and causing him to turn to avoid running into what the animal could not understand was before him. As he turned his head to the right, one of his cutter tusks ripped into the trunk of a pine tree. As the tusk broke, its tip twisted backwards, turning toward and running through the feral monster’s head, killing it in an instant.

The whirlwind of sprites dissipated as quickly as it had formed, leaving Linda breathless and confused, but thankful for the impossibility of being saved by creatures of inferior intellectual capacity.

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One Hundred Ten

It’s not the mistakes you make that could be your undoing. It’s the ones you didn’t risk making that will haunt you. It’s the chances you didn’t take, the kisses you didn’t plant, the words you didn’t say. Whether they are words of love or lust or loathing, if they are strong enough they must be spoken or they will melt whatever it is you call your soul.

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When Policy is Based on Bull****

There was a period when Europeans and, later Americans thought tomatoes were poisonous. Scientists wrote about the horrors of the plant and its fruit. According to an online snippet from a book entitled, In Praise of Tomatoes: Tasty Recipes, Garden Secrets, Legends & Lore, the first published reference to the tomato in Europe was by an Italian herbalist, Pietro Andrae Matthioli, who classified the tomato with mandrake plants.  Mandrakes had long been considered to be aphrodisiacs and the tomato got a nickname, “love apple.” Somewhere along the line, an aphrodisiac became a deadly fruit to be avoided.  Elsewhere, I read that the thing that got tomatoes pegged as poisonous was the fact that aristocrats used pewter plates which, when acidic tomato were placed on them, leached out the lead in the pewter and made the aristocrats sick.

If you know how I write, you probably know this post isn’t about tomatoes, don’t you?  You probably haven’t guessed that it’s about marijuana, though. But it is.  But not for long, as this will be a relatively brief post.

A conversation with a friend yesterday brought this topic to mind. I think it’s high time (pardon the pun) that marijuana be legalized in all the states and by the federal government. From what I’ve read, it isn’t any more addictive than grapes and isn’t as harmful as grapes after they’ve been fermented.  I might be able to understand and accept some sort of regulation about driving under the influence, but generally, not much else. Like the tomato, I think marijuana has been given a bad rap, both by scientists and by society, neither of which has had any business proclaiming the horrors of the plant and its many uses.

My experiences with marijuana are few. A couple of times while I was in college and once a number of years later at a party. So I cannot speak from much experience about its effects on me.  But from what I’ve read and from what I’ve learned from people who have far more experience with the “devil weed” than I, it’s not the monster we were taught it was. We were fed a line of BS based not on facts, but on fantasy, much like the maligned tomato of sixteenth century Europe through eighteenth century America.

At this point in my life, I’d like to be able to try it again without fear of being arrested and imprisoned.  I doubt it’s widely available where I live; given the fact that Arkansas is an exceptionally conservative (look up the meaning of understatement) state, even if it were, I’d probably be turned in if people smelled the stuff burning in my house, anyway. It ought not be illegal, dammit. I may have to go to Colorado to experience, without fear, what I experienced (with fear) when I was younger.

And that’s what I have to say about that.

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One Hundred Nine

The cavernous room is brimming with garish decorations, clearly the work of a drunken wedding planner. An artificial aisle littered with neon-pink rose petals and orange and silver glitter defines the pathway between the rear door and the stage. Dozens of mirror balls hang from the ceiling, each one targeted by a unique colored floodlight, washing the room in a psychedelic kaleidoscope of light. No marriage could withstand this lunacy. Who could have blamed the bride for fleeing even before the ceremony started?

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Vice

I bought a bench vise and four cheap frame-clamps yesterday morning at a garage sale across the street from me. It was held at the home of a man who died in his house and was found a few days later. His relatives (I assume) were handling the sale; from the looks of them, I’m guessing they were his grandchildren and, perhaps, his great grandchildren.

The bench vise set me back five dollars; the four frame-clamps an additional eight dollars. If I had been there earlier, I could have bought a heavy-duty wood lathe, a table saw, and a few other pieces of wood-working equipment.  But I didn’t get there earlier, so there’s no use in crying over spilt milk, as they say.  I may return this morning; there were a bunch more hand tools I’d like to get my hands on.

As I think back on the sale and on the fact that I did not know this guy, had only seen him a few times, I wonder how it is that our lives become problems to be sorted out after they are gone? The objects associated with our hobbies and avocations become the detritus of our lives, things which kin or hired hands dispose of in the manner best suited to generate the most cash.  “Grandpa Jack sure did collect a bunch of crap, didn’t he? How much do you think we can get for it?”

The conversations that take place between relatives who want to dispose of items as quickly and as profitably as they can are pure imagination, manufactured in the mind of a skeptic.  Those imagined conversations carry with them biases. I knew nothing of the man, nor his family, yet I wonder about their greed and their state of mind in connection with the sale.

But who are the vultures, in fact? The family trying to recover from grandpa’s passing or the neighbors sensing a deal in a death?

I try not to think such things, but it’s a pointless endeavor. I’m hard-wired that way.

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One Hundred Eight

Try not to remove every speck of dust from every flat surface. The absence of flaws suggests artificiality in furniture, floors, and people.

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Old Men Who Turn to Writing

Writing is like a drug; it can be a cure or an addiction.

Younger men write to prove themselves, to make their marks on the world. Older men write to find themselves.  They write to learn what mistakes they must undo to justify the time they have spent on this earth and to warrant the time they have left. I realize, of course, the danger in making broad inferences from specific circumstances, especially one’s own circumstances, but experience and observation tell me my perspective is more often true than not.

I have been writing, privately for the most part, almost my entire life. Early on, when I decided I wanted to write ‘seriously,’ I was not intent on writing for publication, but I wanted what I wrote to ultimately matter. I remember times as a young man, probably in my early twenties, fantasizing that after my death my writing would be ‘discovered’ and my mark on the world, therefore, would be made.  I wanted what I had to say to be important, to matter.

Over time, my interest in making my mark diminished.  My perspectives on a series of minor executive positions that I thought mattered, when I occupied them, changed. I began to see them for what they were: irrelevant positions that became temporarily and artificially important for me, the incumbent, and for the people whose own value was measured by their access to incumbent in those positions. I came to realize that the positions and the person who held them could suddenly disappear—vaporize in an instant—and the world would not change enough to cause a flea to catch a cold.  So, I wondered, if these positions did not define my value, what did? How could I make my mark?  More importantly, is making a mark a legitimate objective or desire?  I concluded that, for some people, yes it is; people who possess skills and talents and intellects that could, through their application, genuinely change the world could and should make “changing the world” a priority. For the rest of us, our fundamental value rests somewhere else, somewhere not tethered to a position of employment or even related to work.

These changes in my perspectives on work mirrored a transformation in my perspectives on writing. As I grew older—starting in my early fifties, I think—I started to reflect on who I have been all my life.  So much of my life involved work and the value I attached to it. So much of my life revolved around the value others attached to my work. And, frighteningly, so much of my life seemed to have been molded around thinking and acting and behaving as I thought others wanted me to think and act and behave.  Questions arose in me: What am I like, really like? How can I find who I am under the veneer, absent the automatic behaviors intended to respond to and please people who, ultimately, are no more important to me than I am to them?

And so I began writing more earnestly, using words to explore ideas that might expose the man might I might be; the man beneath the thatch of a lifetime of work, the man hiding under the public persona. For years now, that endeavor claims my early mornings, my solitary time when I write earnestly, though often not seriously.

Some of the few men who belong to the writers’ club I joined shortly after moving to Hot Springs Village are doing the same thing, I think. None of them have expressed their thoughts on the matter to me, directly, and perhaps most of them do not even realize what they are doing with their writing. But I think I can see signs of their searches. They may not have to dig as deeply as I to find something that matters, but they, too, are digging.

This much, I think, is certain: old men who turn to writing want to find a part of themselves that’s buried under the mulch of a lifetime of experience. They spend time routing around those parts of their minds unexposed to the elements, looking for something worthy for the world to see. They are looking for ways to know who they are so others might understand that person when they read what they leave behind.  And they are looking for ways to apologize for mistakes they’ve made, for the people they once were. One guy, in particular, comes to mind at this moment. His stories are short and self-deprecating and sometimes funny, exposing a fragility his public persona does not.  He and I are like night and day, but my experience trying to understand myself are helping me get a glimpse at understanding him.  His stories are evidence in support of my theories.

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One Hundred Seven

I have never seen a bird simply fall of out the sky, smashing into the ground. This is, of course, a good thing. I would not want that experience. What I have seen, yesterday in fact, are birds behaving as if they were drunk because…they were drunk. Cedar Waxwings have been imbibing on the fermented juices of ripe berries outside our guest room window. I now understand why airplane pilots are not allowed to drink for a long period of time before flying.

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Just Imagine

You’ve read The Book of Imaginary Beings by Jorge Luis Borges, right? Well, if not, you’re in for a treat.  And whether you’ve read it or not, you probably didn’t know that he based the book on stories I shared with him.  Jorge and I were tight, almost best friends. I met him in a bar in Poland.  He was there on a lecture circuit tour and had slipped away from the crowds to this little dive bar for a few stiff ones.  I was in Poland for a sentencing hearing, thanks to a thin, loud-mouthed little woman named Apolonia Lukaszewski who gave me up to the Polish Milicja Obywatelska, the ‘citizens’ militia’ (it was a while ago, which is why you don’t know about them…hardly anyone does).  They promised her immunity from prosecution if she’d tell them where I kept my stash of hashish. Well, my little liaison with Apolonia is neither here nor there; we were talking about Jorge.

Anyway, Jorge and I sat in this bar for a long time, maybe nine hours, putting away bottle after bottle of premium stuff.  He was on an expense account, courtesy of a deal between his agent and the Polish government, so he picked up the tab.  He was blind, as you know, so he asked me to calculate the tip.  After we closed out the bill, he suggested we visit Switzerland, where he spent his teen and early adult years.  Again thanks to the government deal, he had access to a private jet, which he allowed me to fly.  Though he had a pilot’s license, he was always uncomfortable flying the thing because of his blindness; I was not seeing straight that night, but I was able to get us out of Poland, though I missed Switzerland. We left Warsaw about daybreak and landed at a private airfield near a forest north of Barcelona.

While we sat at the airfield restaurant having breakfast, I had a minor psychotic episode, during which I had animated conversations with the creatures that came out of the adjacent forest, characters Jorge later wrote about in The Book of Imaginary Beings. While I spoke to Jorge, I explained all about these creatures.  We were rousted by the Cuerpo Nacional de Policía, but fortunately they did not discover until later that I was wanted by the Milicja Obywatelska; I doubt they would have turned me over, even if they had known. Much later, he verified everything I told him through extensive research. But it was my psychoses that put him on the path.

I could tell you so much more about Jorge Luis Borges.  But I won’t. You don’t even believe what I’ve told you thus far, do you?

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One Hundred Six

Two men passed one another on the street, each giving a nod of acknowledgement to the other.  The taller of the two men, a gambler known as “Sticky” McKie, wheeled around two footsteps later, pulled a forty-five caliber revolver from his waistband, and shot the other man, Artemus Cormroy, in the back of the head, causing Cormroy’s instant demise. McKie had mistaken Cormroy for another man, Leonard Pipkin. Nothing more came of the encounter.

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Uncomfortable Places

Another dream, this one odd and troubling (like so many others). I was a passenger in the back seat of a small SUV driven by a friend. Another person who I don’t think I know was in the front passenger seat. We were almost halfway up the incline of an impossibly wide bridge that appeared to be covered in a thick, snowy slush.  All the traffic, mostly semi trucks, headed in the same direction we were.

All the traffic was moving considerably faster than I thought advisable, but my friend wanted to go faster and so he accelerated around a slower-moving truck. The SUV began fish-tailing and spinning. We slid sideways to the bridge railing, slamming into the curb with the two passenger side tires, before coming to a rest.  But then the vehicle began sliding backward and away from the railing, into the path of oncoming traffic. My friend whipped the steering wheel to no avail; the SUV just kept sliding. He opened his door and pushed he foot against the ground, which sent the vehicle sliding back toward the bridge railing. Again it slammed into the curb, this time stopping.  Though it was stopped, it felt unsteady, as if it might begin sliding again at any moment. My friend seemed in a panic. “I’m getting out of here!” he said, and his front seat passenger said “Me, too!” Both of them slid out of the SUV; I called after them, “It’s not safe to be on foot on this bridge,” but they ignored me.

They were half-way down the bridge when the vehicle began sliding again.  Still in the back seat, I rolled down my window and reached for the railing, grabbing it to try to stop the slide. As I clutched the railing, the momentum of the slide down the bridge stopped, transferring the movement sideways into the curb.  The SUV hit the curb, hard, and tipped to the side; I thought it was going to turn over, so I managed to pull myself into the front seat and grab the steering wheel. I tried to open the driver’s side door, but it was very hard to get the door to move, as I was pushing up on the door as the vehicle tilted.  Suddenly, the windshield collapsed out, seeming to transform from a piece of hard glass to a wad of thick plastic wrap, as millions of cracks suddenly appeared in the glass but the layer of plastic between layers of glass kept the glass from exploding.  A sun-roof I had not noticed before burst outward, as well. Somehow, I was able to get out of the vehicle just as the front of the SUV fell from the bridge into the water just at the shoreline, which by this time was only a few feet below the level of the bridge.  There were large rocks at the water’s edge, and the front of the hood of the SUV hit one of them at an angle, causing the hood to crumple.  I watched as water filled the SUV, which was nose down, about half way up the passenger compartment.

After I climbed out of the vehicle, I made my way to the base of the bridge, where people were milling about in a covered, brightly lit arcade, filled with shops and kiosks. My friend’s passenger was there; he said my friend was getting food and would be back in a moment. When he walked up to us, I explained that the vehicle had gone off the bridge and pointed to it.  He didn’t seem phased by it. “Well, I’ll just get it repaired and sell it; I don’t want to drive a car that’s been in the water.”

Just then, we heard a commotion near an overlook inside the arcade, just above the end of the bridge. People were shouting and there was an occasional loud “bang!” We looked down toward the water and saw that there were several crumpled and bent cars, now, where only my friend’s SUV had been before. Then, we saw some men pushing a car onto a pathway, where the car suddenly headed downhill on the path that led to the clump of waterlogged vehicle, toward the water. Another bang! The car smashed into my friend’s SUV.  It seems the men were doing this for fun.  Again, my friend was nonplussed. “Insurance will cover it.”

Suddenly, the scene shifted, but my friend and his front-seat passenger were still in it. The three of us were standing by a school bus, but inside the bus were three men dressed in military-style police uniforms.  Their caps each had a red hammer and sickle symbol affixed to the front. “Just tell them we’re going to buy business suits in Russia,” my friend said. I was utterly confused. I somehow knew we were heading to Russia when we had the snow incident, but I hadn’t realized we were already there.

Then, the scene switched again. Other military police guys were hauling a man out of a station wagon while his wife and two sons looked on.  They looked frightened, but not terrified, and the man kept repeated, as they dragged him away, “I am just a farmer, I am just a farmer.” He, too, seemed concerned with the situation, but not overly so.

That’s where the dream ended with me awakening.  I remembered it vividly the moment I woke up.  Since then, though, I’ve had to sort through the memories as they became less precise.  I’ve written what I remember, though now it’s not as vivid as it was when I awoke.

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One Hundred Five

Every morning, I get up and I write, just a little. I don’t know precisely who I’m writing to. It’s mostly to myself, but not entirely. I’m trying to say something to someone, but I am not sure who, nor what I’m trying to say. It’s sometimes a frustrating and pointless one-way conversation, but I don’t want to stop until I’ve said what I need to say, though I don’t know when that might be or how I will tell that I’ve accomplished what I set out to do, since I don’t know just what that is.

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Walking Alone

I started college in June, 1972 right after graduating from high school in May. I completed my undergraduate degree in December, 1975.  During the three and one-half years from start to finish, I made a lot of trips home to Corpus Christi from school in Austin.

With rare exception, I spent at least a few hours on Padre Island with each trip home, looking for solitude on the beach. Island visits that coincided with cold snaps were my favorites, because of the deserted beaches; I had mile after mile of sandy beaches to myself. I spent most of my time on the beach walking, but what I remember best are the times I stopped, sat down, and gazed out on the beach and into the waves. Shore birds raced along the beach as the water began retreating after a wave came ashore, searching for food washed in by the water. Sea gulls soared near the water’s surface, diving abruptly when they spotted a suitable fish or shrimp in the waves.

Most of my few friends at the time had no interest in solitude; they wanted to be around other people. I wanted to be away from them. Yet, on the few occasions I encountered other solitary souls walking the beach in the dead of winter, I felt the urge to meet them, talk to them, learn what drew them to the solitude of the beach. I never did, of course, because I knew what they were there for; meeting me was not it.

I’ve wondered, since then, whether I might have made a friend for life, had I taken a moment to interrupt the solitude of one of those few other people enjoying the absence of frenzied humanity by introducing myself. I suspect I might have, but I will never know.

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One Hundred Four

If you had known as much yesterday as you know now, so many of the solutions looking for problems would have sorted themselves out with no input from you.

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Curious but Meaningless

This is day number 22,454 of my life, which means I was born 3207 weeks and 5 days ago. I’ve experienced fifteen leap years in my life. I’ve experienced just a shade more than 738 months. I was born on a Wednesday and last celebrated my birthday on a Tuesday. My next birthday will be on a Wednesday, so I can consider it something of a rebirth, yeah?

If my calculations are correct, it has been roughly 1,940,025,600 seconds since my birth. That’s one billion, nine-hundred-forty million, twenty-five thousand, six hundred seconds.

Now, if one considers that (according to an article on Wikipedia), the wings of a hummingbird hovering in mid-air flap fifty times per second, a hummingbird hovering in mid-air since my birth would  have flapped its wings 97,001,280,000 times. That’s ninety-seven billion, one million, two-hundred-eighty-thousand times. (The average life-span of a hummingbird is about three to five years, so that little bird would have long since died, but that’s not the point of this drivel.)

All of these arguably interesting but meaningless numbers serve only one purpose: putting experience in the context of time.

How long does it take to experience a second? I suspect it takes us (humans) longer than one second to process the experiences we have in a one-second time period. I have no hard facts to back up my assertion, just a hunch. Let’s say it takes an additional half-second to fully comprehend the experience of one second of time we’ve just been through. If I’m correct, then, it takes us longer to understand what we’ve experienced than the amount of time we’ve experienced. You know, because first we experience a second in real time, then we take another half second to process that experience. Okay, I just wanted to make sure you were with me.

Using my logic, if you can call it that, it will take me another thirty-plus years just to fully comprehend the life I’ve lived thus far.  I’ll be over ninety years old when I finally appreciate the experiences I had through age sixty-one. At that rate, I’ll never catch up. I’ll have to live forever just to appreciate the life I’ve been living. I think we’ll all agree that’s not an available option, so the facts (I use the term loosely) suggest we’ll never fully process the full experience of our lives. We are living a mystery with no final “reveal.”

What I have just written is utter hogwash. But at least it can be used to clean the pigs.

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One Hundred Three

It was thirty-five years ago today that we—my wife and I—got married. A small group, consisting of a few members of my family and some friends, gathered in her condo, where a Unitarian minister performed a secular marriage ceremony.

The short ceremony included my favorite Shakespeare sonnet:

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixèd mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

Here’s to another thirty-five years, my love!

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A Gentleman and a Scholar

A text message exchange with a friend yesterday, which I used to express appreciation for a favor he agreed to perform for me, brought back memories that have remained with me, just under the surface, for years.  My father used to express his appreciation and esteem for some requested or voluntary action taken by another male on his behalf: “You are a gentleman and a scholar!” That was high praise, indeed, from my father. It conveyed acceptance, appreciation, respect, and admiration in such an efficient way, avoiding the sentimentality that a more verbose exposition would involve.

Every time I utter the phrase (which is rather rarely, I think), I remember my father using it, sometimes directed toward me. In those instances, his pride in me was implicit in the phrase, as well. I suppose the overblown importance I attach to the phrase has more than a little to do with the fact that my father and I rarely had substantive conversations. He loved me, I feel sure, but he was not an emotionally demonstrative man for the most part. And, given that I was his sixth and final child, he had “been there, done that.” I must have been a little less of a sparkling gem than the first five kids.  It must be tough repeating the same conversations, teaching the same lessons, correcting the same mistakes, six times, I think. I suspect he had grown tired of talking to children.

When, on his deathbed (a recliner, in fact, but it served the same purpose), he spoke these words on the last day of his life, I was inconsolably sad, yet profoundly moved: “Oh how I love you kids. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” It was the only time I recall him ever saying out loud that he loved us.  I knew it, of course, but hearing it for what I believe was the first and only time in my life at age thirty-one was nothing short of earth-shattering.

I’ve always believed my childhood was typical, normal, unremarkable (except for having parents who were old enough to be my grandparents).

Back to the phrase, one of his favorites. I believe I must have adopted the phrase as an expression of deep appreciation simply because I knew how much it meant to my father. I may have few, if any, other of his qualities, but at least I can say his words in the way he would have used them.

“You are a gentleman and a scholar!” It is, from me, high praise and thanks, an expression of genuine appreciation. I wonder if I inherited other traits from my father, the father of six children.

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One Hundred Two

I gathered the broken branches and took them to the edge of the cliff. They looked to me like frightened children, separated from their parents. I could not find it in myself to throw them over, so I left them near the edge, hoping the wind would do what I could not.

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Reaching for the Golden Ring

I once stayed a few days in the Golden Ring Hotel in Moscow, Russia, not far from Red Square and the Kremlin. As I recall my room, it was not particularly special by U.S. standards, but it was beyond decent.  Several people told me it was one of the nicest hotels in Moscow at the time.

It was my only trip to Russia and it was the only time I have ever been to a hookah bar, which was just  a few blocks from the hotel.  The visit to the hookah bar was not my idea; several of the much younger group I was with dragged me along with them to experience it. I’m glad I went; I won’t be unhappy if I never visit one again.

I had dinner one night at a restaurant on the top of the hotel. The hotel’s website says the place is called the Panorama Restaurant, though I don’t recall the name.  But the view, that I recall.  It was gorgeous.  I recall the menu was exquisite, but I have no recollection of what I ate; that’s odd, as I usually remember such things.  A look at the online menu makes me think I might have had veal liver in Armagnac sauce, but I am not sure. Ach, that’s annoying!

One evening, our group was treated to a fantastic dinner inside the Kremlin. Someone knew someone, apparently.  I remember being told it was unheard of for a conference group to be invited in; but that may have been an organizer talking.

I recall my white-knuckle trip from Domodedovo airport the hotel. And I recall being dropped off at the airport for my return flight, only to find an amazing amount of construction going on inside and no signs I could read. Obviously, I found my way to the right gate, but I don’t recall just how; I was exhausted.

Recently, I’ve been corresponding via email with a woman in Moscow, a woman I know from a past life with a previous client.  I wish I could spend a few days with her, privacy guaranteed, to learn what she really thinks of Putin and the current state of affairs in Russia.  She may be highly complimentary; she own a couple or three quite successful businesses that might not be so successful without him. But maybe not.  I wish I knew.

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One Hundred One

A wasp trap was the only thing remaining on my shopping list a few days ago, but I couldn’t find it, so I left it on the list, but threw the list away. Unfortunately, the list was on my smart phone. Now I have no shopping list and I can’t remember what I am supposed to buy and I can’t call anyone to ask.

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Cultivating Ideas

If you have been reading my blog for long, you’re part of an extremely elite (read as: small) group.  That aside, you probably have noted that, often, this blog contains somewhat bizarre, stream-of-consciousness drivel that suggests I may not be a writer at all but, instead, a maniac with a web site. The suggestion could be on target, but there really is a motive to my madness.

In my attempts to cultivate interesting ideas, I have to explore a lot of very bad ones. And I have to write about them in order to keep my fingers nimble and prepared to deal with the few really good ones that come along.

Sometimes, I explore ideas that I find repulsive, simply to uncover my own feelings about them. Occasionally, an idea I initially find repugnant becomes less so or, rarely, even attractive. It’s odd, as I write this, I can’t think of such a transformation, but I know it has happened. The thing is, I find it useful and informative to allow myself to cogitate over unpleasant matters from time to time. I measure and test my biases in that way, which I think is a healthy thing to do.

Most of what I write here is short, incomplete (as in it doesn’t necessarily have a readily identifiable ending or message).  For lack of a better term, some of the writing that appears here is my way of conducting a “brain-cleansing,” removing both the wheat and the chaff in the hope of replacing them with gems. Admittedly, it rarely works, but it has become a habit, and we all know habits are hard to break.

Another way of looking at what I do here is that I plant seeds. Most do not survive to maturity and many don’t even sprout, but the few that do are carefully preserved to be used in a dish I might prepare in the future. (Have I used enough similes and metaphors yet?)

When I sat to write this morning, I was planning to write a scathing attack on chauvinistic nationalism, but this flowed from my fingers to the keyboard, instead.  See, that’s what I have to put up with.

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One Hundred

A line of squalls a thousand miles long approached the coast, the brutal winds anxious to create the chaos we’d hoped so desperately to avoid. It was ghastly to learn that weather can think, that it possesses human emotions.  And it was terrifying to discover that rage and hatred are among those emotions. Murderous clouds and acrimonious thunderstorms, brimming with contempt and loathing, were just a breath away. We had no place to go, no safe harbor from the storm. And even if we had, we would have been found and ripped from our safe havens. We would have been cast into the sea just like the ships and the seamen. Then, in an instant, it changed. Horror amplified a thousand-fold and fear flowing like hot syrup.

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The Trips Untaken

Our plans for a four- or five-day getaway have fallen apart, thanks to our trust in meteorologists’ forecasts. We had intended to get in the car this morning and decide which direction to go.

We might have decided to head east and follow the Mississippi Delta Hot Tamale Trail, starting at Ace’s Hot Tamales and Dilworth’s Hot Tamales in Corinth, Mississippi, then backtracking to Tunica, Mississippi where we’d stop at Bud’s. From there, we’d cross back into Arkansas and stop at Pasquale’s Hot Tamales, then cross back into Mississippi and give the tamales Ervin’s Hot Tamales in Sledge a try. We would have found what some might call the tamale jackpot, had we then driven south to Clarksdale, Mississippi, where we could taste the fare offered by Ground Zero Blues Club, Hick’s Famous Hot Tamales and More, Abe’s Bar-B-Q, and The Ranchero.  But when we continued south to Greenville, Mississippi, we would have really hit the jackpot, where we could have found eleven of the Tamale Trail stops.

One day, I will write about an actual trip to explore the Mississippi Delta Hot Tamale Trail, but in the interim, I will experience it vicariously through the Southern Foodways Alliance website.

If we hadn’t headed to the Mississippi Delta, we might have headed west to one of our favorite places, New Mexico. Had that trip taken place, we might have visited Santa Fe, Albuquerque, Española, Elephant Butte, or Silver City.

Or, maybe, we would have decided to head to the Texas coast, keeping our eyes peeled for interesting birds in the midst of alluring seaside scenery. Had that been the trip we took, we might have stopped along the way to visit my brothers and my niece and nephew.

The road-trip getaway was a replacement for a New York City visit, which will take place  sometime this summer instead of this month.

But, instead of a spur-of-the-moment decision as to where to go for a four- or five-day excursion, we remain here, awaiting the onslaught of wave after wave of thunderstorms. Tomorrow, our meteorological friends are saying, might be cooler and clear, which could bode well for a visit to Little Rock, where I might wash away a little of the pain of missing a road trip by imbibing in a few beers at the Flying Saucer (if my wife were to approve).

As I look out the window, I see the rain has begun. The sky is crying along with me for the trips untaken.

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Ninety-Nine

If you believe nothing else, believe this: you always have the choice of being your own best friend or your own worst enemy.

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