Car Talk

We looked at cars. We drove some. One new one (a 2015 Ford Escape). Mostly a year or two or three old. We did not fall in love. The salesperson was beside herself, but she was able to contain it, almost. That was Tuesday.

Still, nothing certain. I’ve settled on what I want, though. I want a pickup, a convertible, that gets very high gas mileage, has a super smooth but very sporty ride; a vehicle that absolutely defines luxury. It has to be cheap, too. We’re still looking.

Even decent car salespeople annoy. Like the woman who practically climaxed while talking about a Nissan Altima, saying, “This is just a remarkable car! It’s an incredible deal. You just can’t find a nicer car than this.” But when I asked, she had no idea about the price.  “I’ll have to check.” But that was nothing.

After driving the Escape, a Hundai Tucson, a Ford Fusion, and the Nissan Altima, we were ready to go. “Wait, I can’t believe I didn’t think of this one. It’s like the car I drive.  A 2012 Lincoln MKZ. It is PERFECT! Low miles, great price, luxury like you can’t believe!”

Her partner in crime, a woman trained (I assume) to salvage buyers leaving without a car, brought around the Lincoln. “Take it for a drive.”  We did.

I could imagine the original salesperson, watching us drive away in the Lincoln: “Oh my god, I’m going to…” But, alas, we weren’t blow away by the three year old doddering luxury car suited more to über geezers than to us. The salesperson came so close to ecstasy, but we spoiled it by leaving in our own car.

We will drive a Toyota or two, a Honda, maybe another Hundai. We’re in no huge rush. The greatest feeling of control when looking to buy a car is knowing that I can and will walk away if the car and the deal are not both right. None of those cars were right. But, then, I’m not absolutely certain I’m going to find my smooth- and sporty-riding, fuel-efficient convertible pickup that exudes luxury, at least not for a price I’m willing to pay.

Posted in Cars | 6 Comments

One Hundred Fifty-Five

When you wake up in the morning and look into the mirror, give yourself a boost. Smile. Give yourself a nod of acknowledgement and appreciation. Sing, if that’s your thing. Days that start off on a positive note are better than those that don’t. Yeah, I also have always thought self-affirmations were BS; I was at least partially wrong.  Maybe completely. Certainly somewhat.

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Revealing What’s Underneath

You may not want to read this. Especially if you’re not on a high note at the moment. Sometimes, I just write stuff that can’t help but ruin a mood.

There’s no question, I sometimes write some pretty strange stuff. The scenes (or vignettes, as I like to call them) drift toward the utterly bizarre, from time to time. I have asked myself what I find attractive or thought-provoking about such jolting oddness. My answers range from unintelligible to unprintable. Ultimately, I think, it’s that I am both afraid of, and attracted to, the unusual. Things I don’t understand frighten and mesmerize me. I suspect I write about such peculiarities because I’m hoping someone else finds them appealing, too, and that person (or those people) will stumble upon what I’ve written and say to themselves, “hey, I’d like to have a conversation with that guy.” I understand, of course, they might insist on being armed, just in case I’m a psycho.

Seriously, I do wonder—beyond my ready explanations. What is it about the unexpected, the bizarre, the slightly twisted and bent, I find so appealing? Maybe it’s just a matter of thinking such things will catch the attention of passers-by. If I write something crazy, maybe people will stop to look and listen and find out what’s behind it.  The embodiment of loneliness, looking for an eyeball and a heart. But it could be pure, unbridled egotism; “look at me, I’m a weirdo who can shock you!” I hope that’s not it, but it could be.

I know I’ve written before about figuring out what’s “in there,” behind my masks and my protective cladding, but I always return to that. I think I have things I want to say that I’m afraid to write.  Holly, if you’re reading this, your idea of a nom de plume is under serious consideration. It’s not just fear; it’s ignorance. I don’t know, 61 years in, who I am. That’s approximately pathetic, don’t you think?

There are things about me only I know and only I will ever know. Would they shock the average guy on the street?  Probably not. But they’re private, nonetheless. Would they shock people who know me “inside out?” No, I think not, because they see my shifts in mood and attitude and expressions.  So how are they private?  Why are they private? I have to keep pieces of me for myself. I just have to. I suppose some of the pieces are too painful to share. Maybe they are just too ugly.  Only an angelic soul-mate, whose ability to keep secrets would rival a corpse, could ever know.

Pulling back the covers, as it were, could reveal nothing but a crusty scab, an ugly deformation worthy of nothing more than a bottle of alcohol and a rasp.

I guess my mood has shifted away from where it might have gone to where it is. For that, I am eternally sorry. I’ll try to do better.

I’m sorry if I’ve ruined your day. I truly did not intend it. But I’m so damn good at it, I can’t stop.

Posted in Depression, Emotion, Just Thinking, Philosophy, Writing | 3 Comments

One Hundred Fifty-Four

Certainty is inversely correlated with wisdom and vice versa.

Posted in Ruminations | 1 Comment

Face-to-Face Bloggery

Let’s see, now, I’ve met, face-to-face, several people through social media. Teresa. Robin and Roger. Tara. Juan. Kathy. Kathy. Cari.  Soon, I’ll meet another, Holly.

In spite of my occasional rants about how social media tends to be a vacuum that sucks the heart and soul out of people who, otherwise, might be decent, intelligent human beings, I’ve been fortunate to meet some very nice people in the ether. They’re all intelligent, creative, inquisitive people who like to think! They’re all people who appreciate and value the use of language as a tool for connection. It’s not the technology that attracts them to social media, it’s the potential to establish rapport with other people, people who share some important commonalities with them.

So there you go.

Today is the first day of pottery for the week. Then, a one-day break. Then another day of pottery.

And that, gentle people, is all I have to say for the moment. Now, I have to let my mind rest.

 

Posted in Communication, Friendship, Just Thinking, Writing | 1 Comment

One Hundred Fifty-Three

Some days, I think I’d have made a pretty damn good singer-songwriter if I could write music and carry a tune.

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Circles

My mind is skipping like a rock on a choppy pond; just one wave sends that stone plunging to the bottom.  I’ve been reading, here and there, about topics of interest, but I can’t keep my mind on what I’m reading long enough for it to sink it. Why is it, then, that my train of thought plunges beneath the water, but knowledge skips away like a flat stone, expertly thrown, on a smooth lake?

This morning, my thoughts have skittered along, visiting the potential value of meditation. My mind could use a rest, I think; maybe that’s what I need to regain focus. But, then, an idea for a novel invades my brain.  Soon, though, I abandon it when I realize the amount of research and dedicated writing time required, especially when the story so quickly loses its appeal.

Many of my ideas for longer works of fiction are like acquaintances; they are interesting for a short while, but too much time with them becomes an unwelcome intrusion. A long piece, something that might evolve into a novel, has to be a close friend with whom I want to spend a great deal of time. I have many acquaintances; friends are as rare as extinct birds.

Perhaps the problem is this: too much energy expended on the technical aspects of writing and not enough on the emotional aspects. Ultimately, it’s the story, not the ways it’s written. The story must come first. The story, not the writing, captures the imagination. If it weren’t so, those who master the mechanical processes of writing would be the best writers; the technicians would have huge, devoted audiences. Yet the way it’s written gives the story life; so it is about the way it’s written, after all.

I’m not sure I’m enough of a story-teller to be an excellent writer. I like to write—I have to write—but I think in vignettes, not in plots. Weaving disparate vignettes together may not be the best way to write a long piece of fiction, but writing those vignettes is a guilty pleasure.

There’s been talk lately of a writers’ retreat, a several-day-long trek to a place called The Writers’ Colony at Dairy Hollow. I want that. I want time dedicated exclusively to writing, punctuated by meals or evening gatherings with other writers. It takes time to cast off the veils that hide who we are; that might be just the ticket.

Until then, whenever “then” is, I’ll continue to slog away, writing here and there and wondering where it’s going and why I keep passing by the same sign post, over and over and over again.

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One Hundred Fifty-Two

I begin the sixth month of the year 2015, wondering what Earth will look like two thousand fifteen years from now on June 1, 4030. The global floods of 3099 and 4006 will probably alter its appearance considerably, but the asteroid strike on May 30, 4029 is apt to have the greatest effect on the appearance of this little planet. Of course, by then, the concept of dates will have long since become a quaint anachronism, what with time displacement and such.

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Regaining the Sparkle

I watched as the headlights on the old Camry dulled over the years.  Sand and grit and bugs and road debris stole the shine and ruined the sparkle. I polished the outer plastic shells with modest success a few years ago, but over time those clear headlight covers became translucent. Later, even professional kits that promised to return their original luster failed to revive them. Lately, those once pristine, absolutely clear lenses had become almost opaque.

A quote in the neighborhood of $500 changed my mind about having the Toyota dealer replace them, but the beasts needed replacing.  So I looked online for replacement parts and instructions on how to undertake the task. Finally, a few days ago, the headlights I ordered online for about $145 (for the pair, including shipping) arrived.  A day or two later, I watched a YouTube instruction video on how to remove and replace headlights on a 2002 Camry, then set out to do the work.

It took an hour and a half, (but should have taken less than one). I discovered after replacing both sets of headlights that I had two extra bolts.  A partial re-do corrected my oversight.   Despite going overtime, the deal is done. Finally, the car’s eyes no longer looks like they have badly neglected cataracts.

My scraped knuckles and bruises will be fine. My ego is intact, thanks to discovering where those two extra bolts went. A few scars and a little pain are reasonable exchanges for $355 in savings.

Posted in Cars | 1 Comment

One Hundred Fifty-One

I’ve noticed that the harder a person argues against someone’s strongly held beliefs, the less willing that target of the argument is to accept the premises offered as truth. Oh, my, is there a correlation, or is it just coincidental?

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Someone Else’s Tastes

Yesterday, I sat at the dining table, looking out at the trees swaying in the breeze and the ranch down below.  I was eating lunch, which consisted of a tin of smoked mackerel drizzled with Sriracha sauce and spears of cucumbers. I realized, just as I finished the herring, it was extremely similar to the lunch the day before. The previous day’s lunch was a tin of brisling sardines dressed up with my homemade jalapeño paste, a tomato cut in wedges, and cucumber spears. I asked myself, Who eats this sort of lunch with such frequency? Normally, that would have ended that; a rhetorical question posed in passing. But it did not. The question evolved from a rhetorical question into an interesting daydream.

Who would, day after day, sit and stare at the world outside his window while eating tins of smoked fish and munching on crisp vegetables? My answer, sprung from my imagination and complemented with a little internetical magic, was this: a Norwegian fisherman by the name of Kolbjørn Landvik, a man who kept to himself and had no family, except for his dog. He lived a solitary life on the Norwegian Sea in a tiny fishing village called Reine near the tip of the Lofoten Archipelago.

Kolbjørn died at sea, the victim of bad luck and drowning. He caught the heel of his boot in the anchor chain, just as he dropped the ninety pound piece of iron into icy cold water. The chain spun around his leg in an instant, so tight it drove links straight through his pants and into his flesh. He was alone on the boat, far from land. No one saw him dragged by that chain into the Norwegian sea.  No one but his dog, Albrikt, missed him. No one thought of him for all these years until yesterday.

That’s when I realized a small piece of the universe that once was Kolbjørn found its way through the cosmos to me.  In me. I do not mean that I am the reincarnation of Kolbjørn Landvik.  Just molecules, microscopic bits and pieces of Kolbjørn ended up in me, purely by coincidence, out of the randomness of the universe.

We share just a few traits. The tendency to eat tins of fish and cucumbers for lunch. The penchant for staring out the window and letting the imagination run amok. Kolbjørn Landvik’s window, though, did not give him a view of trees and farmland.

His tiny cabin, right on the water, looked westward across Reinevågen Inlet. When he wasn’t fishing, he spent his time looking at the water, watching the birds, and painting. Dozens of oil paintings covered the walls; dozens more, stacked on their edges, filled boxes. Almost every day around noon, he sat at the worn wooden table beneath the row of windows across the front of the cabin, where he opened a tin of smoked fish. He pulled a cucumber from a cold-sack where he stored vegetables and sliced it with the pocket knife he kept in his fishing trousers. If he had crackers or bread, he might eat them, but it wasn’t necessary. Smoked fish and a crisp vegetable were perfectly satisfactory.

He left that cabin one morning in April 1921 and sailed his 31-foot mackerel boat north up the inlet, then south when he got to open water and, finally, west out into the Norwegian Sea. That was the last time anyone heard from, or about, Kolbjørn until yesterday, when his habits and his memories invaded my thoughts.

So, that’s where my lunchtime habit came from.  Thank you, Kolbjørn Landvik, for enjoying a can of smoked fish for lunch. I might not be so grateful if you enjoyed eating raw frogs, instead.

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One Hundred Fifty

A few hours of hard work, scraped knuckles, and dirt under the fingernails can go a long way toward improving one’s disposition.

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Spiritual Promiscuity

I wrote much of the following for another of my blogs, one I began a few years ago and have since abandoned.  I allowed it to languish after just one or two posts and have, until recently, paid little attention to what I wrote.  Since then, I’ve mellowed a tad and have become slightly more tolerant of views that diverge sharply from my own. Otherwise, I’m the same man.  Whether that’s good or bad depends on one’s perspective. Oh, and I revised the original post so that what appears here is almost unrecognizable. In fact, a significant portion of what appears below was written or revised on May 29, 2015. 

I read something on Christmas Day 2011 that helped me understand how I feel about the way “religion” influences the way I think.  I read a comment attributed to Annie Dillard, the writer, in which she described herself  as “spiritually promiscuous.”

Dillard comes by her spiritual promiscuity legitimately. She had years of religious and spiritual coaching and guidance and indoctrination before she called herself spiritually promiscuous.  Her curriculum vitae on her website classifies her religion affiliation as “none.”

I decided very early on, by age 14 or so and despite modest exposure to the religious teachings of the First United Methodist Church of Corpus Christi, Texas, there was no supreme being, no God, no spirit, no sacred path to follow, nothing outside our own uniquely human minds. Dillard’s use of the phrase may describe her incorporation of many religions into her own religious understanding.  I, on the other hand, do not presume to have any true foundation of religion; I can only describe what I have as a thirst to know the unknowable.

My early conclusion that there is no supreme being has not changed.  I still don’t believe there is one.  I don’t believe there ever was one.  I just don’t.  The “evidence” presented suggesting otherwise is, at best, flimsy and the arguments supporting the concept are so dependent on the immeasurable that I simply can’t buy them. The heartfelt requests made to me that I should simply “give yourself over to faith and just believe” do not fall on deaf ears; they just fall on ears that transmit the sound to a brain that relies on reason and logic, not on blind faith and belief in the unbelievable. That attitude, I realize, is not a hospitable one. For that, I am sorry. I want to be hospitable, but sometimes I find myself unable to accommodate people who see the world through different eyes than mine.

All of that does not mean I believe Jesus was a fictional figure, nor that the Buddha nor any number of other people who, stories tell us, had an enormous influence on how humanity has evolved intellectually and “spiritually” in the last few thousand years were fabrications. No doubt there were some highly charismatic people who had important ideas about justice and humanity and morality. There is no question in my mind their words were passed along from generation to generation in some form and have evolved into what today forms the foundation of a great deal of religious belief.  I don’t dispute there were people who had important things to say and who have some responsibility for some of the moral codes upon which today’s civilization rests. I simply dispute the “divinity” of those people.  They were, perhaps, gifted, brilliant, thought-provoking leaders, but I don’t believe they were divine nor magical.

To put it succinctly, not only do I not believe in God, I don’t believe there is a god. But, since I am a man of science, at least to some extent, I do not claim to have evidence of either perspective. I acknowledge, a bit begrudgingly, that the possibility exists that there is, indeed, a god. But I seriously doubt it.

How my “spiritual promiscuity” comes into play is this.  I believe humankind has the unique capacity to make conscious contributions to this world in which we live.  I believe we are innately “moral” in that we are conscious of the effects our actions have on others and that we feel empathy for others.   That empathy is natural.  It can be trained out of us, but I believe we’re hard-wired with it from the start because empathy reaps empathy, which can serve its own purposes.  And I believe we have the capacity to use that empathy for good, not only for our own generation, but for generations to come. We won’t be here for them.  They will never see us in “heaven.”  But we can plan our impact on the future.  And “we” can, as time goes by, recall and understand what those who have gone before us did for our benefit.  That, in my view, is spirituality.  Insomuch as the promiscuity comes into it, we want to do it.  We want to not only do for others we want to show it.

I’m probably not explaining it sufficiently.  Maybe I never will.  But someone will. Someone in the future will explain and persuade and convince the people of the world that there is no supreme being nor any need for one; we must depend on our own humanity to guide us. And people will come to understand the essential element of “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is not religious, at all, but simply human.

I wonder…I really wonder…if all the stories from the Bible and other religious texts that have been so hideously misconstrued as the literal word of God were simply parables, myths intended to give substance and character to the fundamental morality within us all? Perhaps the stories about magical and supernatural elements that today’s religious fanatics of every stripe claim as fact were just intended, originally, as stories to help simple-minded men and women understand and appreciate the morality of, for lack of a better term, “the golden rule.”

So, my spiritual promiscuity comes around to this: if my understanding of their content is correct (not having read any of them cover to cover), there are large portions of the teachings of the Bible and the Quran and other religious texts with which I heartily agree. I accept the morality described in much of religious doctrine.  The concepts of goodness are right there in the middle of me.  And so I talk about them.  I lure people into conversations about them.  I ask for discussions about these “spiritual” topics because I wonder how others see them.  I’m especially curious why some people seem to think the concepts can have no merit without the existence of a supreme being, why, without a supreme being, there is no reason for nor root of morality.

My sense is that, from the start, the “supreme being” has been ourselves, our own consciences. The stories helped some people better understand the concepts.  And they were contorted and bent and wrenched into shapes that changed them from myth to reality.  But the reality isn’t real.  At least not from my perspective.  But the original motives were probably good.

And so I am spiritually promiscuous.

I sincerely hope I am not castigated for my beliefs, or lack thereof. I can tolerate believers; I hope believers can tolerate me. Though I sometimes fall into the category of “mocking observer of people who believe in fairies,” I really do acknowledge the legitimacy of “belief.” I just don’t buy the premise.

All right, then. It’s eleven o’clock in the evening and I’ve been thinking and writing too long. I’ll post this and hope I don’t regret it in the morning.

Posted in Religion, Secular morality | 2 Comments

Death Penalty

For much of my life, I favored the death penalty. It was an opinion informed not by reason, but by rage. I still feel rage at people who are, or were, unquestionably guilty of horrific acts, but my sense now is that society has no more right to kill than does an individual. Perhaps the most persuasive of the thought processes that led me to oppose the death penalty is the fact that the sentence, once carried out, is irreversible. That would not be as big a problem, I suppose, if the justice system were infallible, but we know it is not. People who are not guilty of a crime are too often convicted, nonetheless.

The argument might be made that the death penalty would be acceptable, then, in cases in which the guilt of the accused is “certain,” such as some would say is true of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev in the Boston Marathon bombing. But it’s too easy to adjust the definition of certainty; you can’t rely on it. Even though I have no doubt about the guilt of Dzhokar Tsarnaev, I would rather the jury had given him life in prison than condemn him to death.

Aside from the fallibility of the justice system, I oppose the death penalty because I do not want to allow brutal murderers and their ilk, people without compassion and empathy for their victims, to have an easy out. I want them to live for a long, long while without the luxury of freedom. From my perspective, confinement in prison is a fate far worse than death.  Unlike some who share my opposition to the death penalty, I do not feel compelled to give persons convicted of heinous crimes the same standard of care as I would someone not guilty of such acts.  I would have no compunction withholding access to exercise, human contact, television, radio, music, and other creature comforts. A diet that only sustains life and satisfies hunger, and no more, would be adequate, in my view.  And I would have no issue with requiring the convicted to work for their upkeep; if the person wants to eat, they could be required to carry out functions necessary to that end, perhaps tending to crops and feeding livestock.

While I do not like the idea that society has to pay for their upkeep, I’d rather spend money on keeping convicted murderers and rapists and their kind behind bars than kill them. My disdain for the death penalty has almost nothing to do with my compassion for the guilty. I am not above exacting revenge; I just don’t want to use the death penalty as a tool to do so.

I look at my own feelings about the death penalty and about justice as evidence that I see things through two distinct prisms, one that shines a light on compassion and justice and the other that highlights revenge and justice. How odd it is that justice can reside within that same beam of light.

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One Hundred Forty-Nine

It is time, now, to sit back and reflect on life and to ponder where this one, the only one I have, will lead me in the days and months to come.

Posted in Ruminations | 5 Comments

Different Dialects

Yesterday, a group of people gathered at my house to talk about writing short stories and subjects related to the craft. It was the second such meeting we’ve had to discuss the inspirations for and emotions and mechanics of writing short stories. I can’t put my finger on why I felt it, but I sensed that each of us was on a frequency slightly askew from each of the others, as if we were speaking to one another in different dialects or, in some cases, in different languages.

That odd sensation brought to mind a television program I watched long ago (it might have been Twilight Zone or Outer Limits) in which a man slowly loses his ability to understand what others are saying to him. It starts with hearing the wrong words used in sentences, but it got far worse. In one scene, a young man asks his older co-worker (the one whose ability to comprehend is beginning to be compromised) for advice on a good place to take his girlfriend out for lunch.  But instead of hearing “lunch,” the older guy hears “dinosaur.” In short order, everything he hears is just gibberish, real words but strung together is such a way as to be utterly incomprehensible; complete nonsense.

Yesterday’s meeting was not so extreme, but I felt a little like the guy in the TV program; I was listening, but I was distracted by stuttering signals in my brain, my synapses misfiring.  I wonder if such things actually happen. Is that what causes people to taste and smell colors and see sounds?

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One Hundred Forty-Eight

Generosity need not require the ability to give, only the desire. Where there is a will, there is a way.

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Bourbon and Onions

Can you imagine for even a moment that you are the victim of an angry, drunken policeman?  No?  Try again.

Try again to imagine the policeman repeatedly slamming his club into your jaw, laughing with each stroke, and asking you a question: “You sure you left your stuff at the 81st street stop?”

Better?

Now, imagine the cop is wearing a white motorcycle helmet with a black visor. The gold epaulettes on the shoulders of his blue uniform shirt shudder violently each time his club strikes your face.

You smell his breath with every word he screams at you. It is sweet and foul, the scent a mixture of bourbon and onions. And then, for a fraction of a second, you look down at his black trousers, just as you feel the dark wooden baton smash into the right side of your head, above the ear.

You wake up to godawful pain in your cheeks and jaw. You try to open your eyes, but only one responds; touching the side of your head, you feel dried blood and a huge lump around your right eye, so swollen it will not open. You are leaning against the wall of a cell. On three sides, concrete cinder blocks form walls; the entire fourth side consists of a door made of black metal bars spaced four inches apart.

The backpack you left at the 81st street station is resting against the wall eight feet across from the cell that is your home. Taped to the wall above the backpack, a picture of your daughter, Sarah, looks at you with pleading eyes.

 

 

 

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One Hundred Forty-Seven

Nothing revolves around us, not the earth. Not the planets. Certainly not the sun. We, on the other hand, revolve around everything and everyone important in our lives. You can’t let that go; you just can’t. Love won’t permit it. Decency won’t permit it.

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Missing in Flight

 

So, my latest idea for a short story involves a mystery surrounding a child’s travel from his father’s home in Chicago to his mother’s home in Los Angeles.  The kid boards the plane in Chicago and sends a text to his mother saying he’s on board and he’ll see her in a few hours.  But when the plane gets to Los Angeles, he doesn’t get off. His mother is understandably distraught. She texts him. No response. She continues. Nothing. She gets panicky with the gate agents in LA. The gate agents initially express concern and ask the cabin crew of the flight to search the plane, twice.  After thoroughly combing the plane for a second time, there’s no kid. Needing to prepare for another flight departure, the ground crew shuttles the woman off to an “issues” team, who notifies the proper authorities to do searches in the Chicago and Los Angeles terminals.

I’m still working things out.  I know how the disappearance worked. I know where he is. I know how he is found. But the story did not spill from brain through my fingers the way I’d hoped it would this morning. I can describe the situation, but I can’t make it come alive.  I guess I need to put this back on the shelf for a bit and return to it when I have more caffeine flowing through my veins. When I get it done, I’ll probably hold it in reserve; as I envision it, it’s the sort of story I should enter into a writing contest (assuming it gets written and I like what I’ve written).

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One Hundred Forty-Six

High winds and heavy rain from Sunday afternoon’s storms left twigs and broken branches on the ground.

Last night, the shrieking furies returned, their anger stronger than before, intent on howling their way through the forest and shredding the sky with razor-sharp claws. It’s too dark to see whether more branches and twigs and even trees succumbed to the onslaught.

Some day, when the skies are clear and my mood is suitable for the job, I will clean up the yard. I am in no hurry.

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Fragments or Figments

They seem to be fragments. Tiny pieces that seem, initially, to have no relation to one another. But, given the right triggers, slivers of recollection from years ago combine to become coherent memories. Finally, after years languishing deep in the recesses of my brain, they claw their way to consciousness.

That is not to say, however, that newly risen memories are accurate. They may arise from a tired brain, trying to make sense of something that doesn’t.

From my early childhood, I recall walking with one of my brothers along a levee, then getting on our dog’s back and riding Ginger, the dog, like she was a pony.

In junior high school—middle school, today—my mind tells me I spent an afternoon at the home of an acquaintance, making out with a dozen girls, one by one.

While in high school, my memory tells me another student named Reed Young put me in a headlock; it was in front of a Woolworth’s store. I have no idea why he would have done it, but I remember thinking I was going to die from the pressure.

I remember a time from my first year in college when, with two friends—one from the University of Texas, where I went to school, and the other from Texas A&M—I drove to La Grange, Texas looking for the Chicken Ranch, the brothel that closed down a year or two thereafter. We may have found where it was, but we were too “chicken” to go inside.

These memories are on my mind this morning, I suppose, because yesterday afternoon we had a friend over for a drink and the conversation turned to memoirs, real and imagined.  We talked about the differences between memories and autobiographies and how recollections,woven into fiction, come alive.

I wonder how much of what I remember is true and how much is simply a figment of my imagination, created by memories that aren’t quite ready to surface.

Posted in Memoir, Memories | 2 Comments

One Hundred Forty-Five

I read an article the other day by a veteran who said he cringed when he heard people say “Happy Memorial Day!” I understood; Memorial Day is dedicated to the men and women who lost their lives in defense of the USA, it is not a celebratory welcoming of summer.

It doesn’t matter your politics, we owe a debt of gratitude to those people who did as they were asked. They may not have agreed with the politics of the wars they fought, but most did.  Regardless, they followed orders and did their duty. Well over one million men and women have died while fighting, or supporting, wars in which the USA has been engaged. I offer my respect and admiration for them; I only hope their sacrifices lead, eventually, to peace and to an environment in which war is recognized as the ultimate insanity.

Posted in Ruminations | 3 Comments

Singed

I’ve spent more than an hour and a half this morning, trying to write. When I first sat down to write, I zipped off my rumination for the day, “things worth remembering are worth writing.” Thereafter, though, nothing flowed from my fingers.

An idea for a story attempted to break through the steel case that encapsulates my creativity, but it only dented the metal, sizzling as it recoiled from its red-hot surface. Then, I remembered, as I looked in the mirror. My face was beet-red, courtesy of three hours yesterday in a boat on a lake; the sun singed my creativity.

The genesis of the story, the one that failed to jump-start the creativity in my fingers, came from current news about death and mayhem involving battling motorcycle gangs in Waco, Texas. My idea does not involve multiple gangs, nor turf battles (at least not directly). Instead, the basis of my concept is that a very small motorcycle club settled on a few acres of land the club president owned on Espiritu Santo Bay on the Texas coast, south of Port O’Connor.  One night, the same night a fierce hurricane strikes the coast, the club and the “town” that grew around it disappears. The assumption of people in the surrounding communities is that the club members and the frame houses they occupied were swept away in the storm. But that’s not what happened. Is it? And where does the story take us?  I don’t have the answers, but I’ll keep the idea in reserve, in the hope that my inability to write anything remotely compelling this morning is a fleeting thing.

Maybe my creativity and the flexibility in my fingers will return when my forehead and nose and cheeks and upper thighs and forearms return to their pasty whiteness.

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One Hundred Forty-Four

Things worth remembering are worth writing.

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