Independence Days Ahead

I feel like I’m outside myself, watching a transformation of my political beliefs. I watched the Independent ticket town hall on CNN this evening, with Governors Gary Johnson and William Weld. I agreed with so much of what they had to say. Their insistence that compromise is absolutely necessary rang true with me. Their positions about issues as far-flung as marijuana and the use of force in Afghanistan mirrored my own. Yet I was concerned. Deeply concerned.

Though I found myself utterly at odds with them on fiscal issues, it wasn’t that political split that bothered me. It was the fact that I think they are likely to attract a lot of Democrats, many more than Republicans. And what that means is that Hillary Clinton, a woman with whom I have several enormous philosophical differences, will suffer. If Gary Johnson and William Weld had a snowball’s chance in hell of winning, I might vote for them. But they don’t. Not this year. The Independent Party hasn’t developed a sufficiently robust machine to make it happen. Instead, they will likely pull Democrats away from Clinton. Which would give Donald Trump the White House.

If Hillary Clinton wins in November, I will be deliriously relieved. But thereafter I will devote my political energies to a third party, perhaps the Independent Party. I am tired to the point of sickness of the Democratic Party’s platform as opposed to its performance. I think the Democratic Party, just like the Republican Party, has sold out to money. Neither party represents the citizenry, though the Democrats are far closer. But both should fear a strong, centrist movement that accepts compromise, values humanity, and places corporations far down on the list of entities that matter.

Posted in Politics | 1 Comment

Courageous Conversations

I’ve accepted an invitation to be a guest host on a web and telephone conference call/conversation on August 21 at 7:00 p.m. Eastern time. The program, a component of a series entitled “Courageous Conversations About Education,” will last two hours.

The invitation came about as a result of my response to a comment I made to a Facebook post (made by a friend of a friend) about media responses to the killing of Dallas police officers. Included in the post was the following comment, addressed to the media: “…your unified appeal for “unity and acceptance” among African Americans “for” law enforcement, specifically, Caucasian police, in many instances, is falling on deaf ears; Why?; because, as each of you speak, your unfair bias in favor of the police is resonating much louder than any of the other, presumably positive, messages that you desire to offer.” 

My comment, made directly in response to the original post but, rather, in response to other comments, was this:  “I say the only solution is conversation. Real, honest, respectful conversation that does not judge another person without first TRULY understanding the motivation behind the belief, the desire, the fear…whatever. The constant, “they better understand what’s going on…” is not going to get anywhere. We need to have real, face-to-face conversations. Ignore the conversations that are too           “sensitive” to take place and just really talk with one another. Even the bastards who I think deserve to rot in jail for shooting unarmed civilians…we have to listen even to them.

The woman who made the original Facebook post invited me to participate in a telephone and online conversation on the matter. Though I was hesitant to accept her invitation, her comment to me that “if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem” resonated with me. So I agreed to join her to lead a discussion, the purpose of which is to educate listeners/participants (and myself) about different perspectives on policing and violence and roads to unity. When I have full details, I will circulate them to my friends and acquaintances, in the hope that they will listen and, if they commit to abandoning their biases and prejudices for the duration of the conversation, engage in dialog. I firmly believe we cannot successfully address the very real problems of racism, black and white and otherwise, until we really talk with and listen to people whose perspectives differ from our own.

From what little I know about the program, I gather the majority of the audience are young black people. My participation as an old white man may seem a little odd, but I think honest conversations between old and young, black and white, religious and nonreligious, energetic and tired…you get the drift…are too infrequent. I’m more than a little nervous about participating, but I’m equally energized that, just maybe, it will be an education to me and to others involved in the conversation.

Posted in Communication | 2 Comments

Calamity without Forgiveness

By the looks of it, the end times have come. The sky is attacking the ground and everything using the ground as a foundation for the future, with a vengeance unmatched in modern times. Trees—whipped into screaming children attempting to escape the claws of a demonic, abusive father—are unable to even pretend to stand tall and erect. Instead, they bend into a begging stance, hoping for even a crumb of mercy. There is no mercy in this wind. This fierce storm asserts Nature’s control over man and beast. A bolt of lightning just took out something close by; I’m afraid it was a house or a block or perhaps even an entire subdivision. The thunder-clap shook this house and my confidence in the future. Whatever the lightning struck is now a molten remnant of the history of something; what might it have been?

I am unsure of tomorrow, even of an hour hence. My last words might be digital representations of terror. Ach. I do love and admire and actually WORSHIP the power of Mother Nature, in spite of what I believe is her intent to take my life in the most horrible way. She is vicious, mean-spirited, and raw; just like me before she ripped the life from me in a billion bolts of unbridled energy.

Posted in Weather | 1 Comment

Dove, as in Soap

When he looked in her eyes, he gazed into the soul of a sorceress, a woman so practiced in witchcraft that she made him believe a woman like her could love someone like him. Of course, he later came to understand, that was impossible. But at that moment, he felt in his heart that he had found his soul mate, his one true love. Her eyes remained fixed on his as she spoke.

“I’ve finally found love, after so many years of searching,” she said. “All the years before we met were meant to gauge our worthiness for one another.

Only after his heart shattered into a thousand pieces and his tears drowned him in a saline sea did he realize the power of her emotional alchemy. The motives for her deceit slapped him in the face, hard, as he stared at the bank statement. A lifetime of savings, gone in an instant.

Posted in Fiction, Writing | Leave a comment

Support

When people who matter go through difficult times, time slows to an excruciating crawl. That slow-motion experience emphasizes the importance of “being there.” Even if one’s support or assistance is not needed, one’s availability matters, I think. That’s what’s on my mind at this very moment. It’s better to think these thoughts than to imagine Donald Trump as President.

Posted in Just Thinking | 2 Comments

Today is Dad’s Birthday

Today is my father’s birthday. He was fifty years old when I was born; were he still alive, he would have turned 113 years old today. But he’s not. He died when he was 81 and I was 31. It’s mind-bending to realize he has been gone half my life. I looked back at my post about his birthday a year ago and said essentially the same thing I just said. It’s as if my annual remembrances have become habit, born of what I think is duty. One day soon, I will write as much as I can about my memories of my father. In the interim, I will simply remember him as he appears with my mother in a photo that sits on the dresser in our bedroom, a big, genuine smile on his face.

Posted in Family | 1 Comment

Dream-Shaming

I couldn’t shake the dregs of the dream off my mind. It was as if they were clinging to the ridges in my brain like dried food clings to a skillet left too long on a hot burner. So I’ve decided I might scrape those images seared to my consciousness by using the metaphor for my pen to record the inexplicable series of encounters that comprise the dream.

I stood in the lobby of an odd hotel, where I was to meet three friends I hadn’t seen in quite some time. Two of them had flown in to Dallas (I guess I lived there, in my dream) from different places; the third lived there, but was staying at the hotel. For some reason, I hadn’t picked them up at the airport but, instead, had offered to meet them at the hotel for breakfast. Unbeknownst to the three of them, a fourth person (an acquaintance from another time in my life, Tony) was to be staying in the same motel. I had not made arrangements with him to join us for breakfast, but figured I would ask him when I went to pick up my friends.

When I arrived at the hotel, it somehow became clear to me that to call my friends’ rooms to let them know I was in the lobby required me to check in as a guest. I did this and took my bags (I have no idea how I had the prescience to have bags with me) to my room. Once in the room, I discovered that the room had no telephone, so I could not call my friends’ rooms.  And, then, I looked down at the front of my shirt and realized I had spilled mushrooms and thick orange sauce on myself during he previous evening’s dinner. I changed my shirt, walked back to the elevator, and went back to the lobby. A clot of people stood in front of the hotel front desk. There was no waiting line; people spilled all around the desk. Three clerks behind the desk seemed to be chatting with some of the people. Their conversations did not seem to me about business, but, instead, about television shows and Easter egg hunts and bus tours.

Growing increasingly frustrated, I spoke to some people in front of me, but behind those standing at the desk, “Are you in line? If you are, you might try to actually form a line instead of clogging the space around the desk.  They turned to look at me, but made no response. Instead, one of the clerks spoke to me; “Sir, just be patient and wait your turn. We will get to you in due time.”

“What do you mean in due time? And how will you know it’s my turn?”

She looked directly at me and responded, “Believe me, I’ll know.”

“You are an idiot,” I responded. “You obviously don’t have an inkling that you’re here to serve the guests, not chit-chat.”

Just then, one of my friends approached me from behind.

“Here we are. What’s the plan?”

I turned to see all three of my friends behind me.

“I need to try to reach someone else in the hotel but my room has no phone. Does yours?”

“Yeah, but you can’t dial out. You can only receive calls. You have to go to the desk to use their phone.”

I turned to discover the clot of people who had been at the desk had dissipated; only a few remained and they were in an orderly line. I joined the line. Almost instantly, a male clerk spoke to me.

“May I  help you?”

“I need to call someone’s room.”

“Go to the communication window, off to your left.”

I turned to the left to see a what looked to me like a betting window in a casino.  A man with an old-style policeman’s cap sat behind it. I approached him.

“I need to call someone’s room.”

“What is the room number?”

“I don’t know the room number.”

“Name?”

“Tony Felos.”

The man placed a device in front of me.

“Use this to call him.”

The equipment was unlike any telephone I’ve seen. It was a black pyramid with what looked like a light-switch on top.

“How do I use this? How do I look up his room number?”

“I can’t tell you how to use a telephone, if you don’t already know.”

The woman I’d called an idiot strode down the length of the counter toward us.

“I can help you, sir. Here, just use the toggle to scroll through a list of guest names and, when you get to your friend’s name, just click.”

The appearance of the device had changed from the time I first saw it. Now, it was a black pyramid with a screen on one side; the light switch on top was now a toggle. Immediately, I knew how to use it.

“Thank you so much. I’m very sorry I was so nasty to you earlier. I had no excuse to be so unkind.”

“Do not let it worry you, sir. We are trained to be polite even when people treat us rudely without reason.”

I used the device to scroll a list of names. There it was. “Tony Felos.”

The telephone had nothing to hold to my ear; when I clicked the toggle, the sound of a phone ringing erupted from the device, followed after a few rings with a click.

“Hello?” Obviously, I had awoken him.

“Tony, this is John. I just thought you might like to join a few of my friends and me for breakfast.”

“Uh, thanks, but I got in late last night and I’ve got to catch a flight in just a while.”

“Ah, sorry to wake you. Maybe next time.”

Another click and the call ended. I turned around and saw that my friends were across the lobby, looking at magazines in a little gift shop. I walked across the lobby and into the shop, where I saw someone from yet another part of my life.

“Augie Sisco! What are you doing here? It’s great to see you.”

The guy looked like Augie, but something about him wasn’t quite the same.

“I’m Rick Nafe. Nice to see you.”

Now, I knew someone named Rick Nafe in yet another part of my life, but he looked nothing like Augie.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were someone I knew years ago.”

“I’m Rick Nafe. I am a publisher, both print and electronic media. My team and I are here for the electronic gaming convention.”

Standing behind him was a group of young people, probably in their twenties, all wearing white polo shirts imprinted with the same green and black symbols.

One of my friends, Jim, looked at my shirt and pointed.

“Looks like you’ve got last night’s dinner all over your shirt.”

I looked down and saw the mushrooms and orange sauce.

I was confused; I thought I’d changed my shirt earlier.

“Ugh! Let me go change my shirt and then we can head out.”

I turned around to see the lobby had changed rather dramatically. Where there had been a broad expanse of open space, there was a restaurant enclosed in glass walls. The path to the elevator was a very thin strip of concrete next to one of the restaurant’s walls;  on the other side of the path was a pool of water decorated with water lilies. Swimming in the pool were dozens of orange and white koi fish.

I edged my way along the path, facing the glass wall of the restaurant. As I inched along the path, I saw that I was leaving a smear of thick orange sauce on the glass. People sitting at the tables just inside the glass wall stared at me with looks of disgust on their faces.

And that’s where the dream ended. I woke up and made notes. Then, I went back and filled in the details as best I could. I manufactured much of the dialogue, though I think it’s close to what occurred in the dream.

My state of mind when I awoke was this: shame, embarrassment, and confusion.

 

 

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An Old Illusion

I am afraid there is no home. Not anymore. Home was a place in our minds that protected us; protection is, today, a fantasy. Protection is a wish drowning in reality too ugly to call it by name.

Posted in Philosophy, Regret | 1 Comment

Should I Die in New Zealand?

When we lived in Dallas, fierce thunderstorms were not strangers. They swept through the area with some regularity, sometimes bringing with them astonishing hail that ruined roofs and left cars pockmarked with evidence of Mother Nature’s fury that simply could not be erased, even by the most accomplished bodywork pro.

But those storms in Dallas were not as frequent as their brethren in Arkansas. Here, the frequency of severe thunderstorms almost parallels the frequency of sunrise; good lord, it’s as if every bloody day a deeply angry…hell, no, a deeply DISTURBED…Mother Nature threatens us with her maniacal wrath. MN seems to enjoy her little dalliances into prospective murder. She sings as she goes about the process of ripping limbs from trees, causing high winds to burp loudly as they rush through tiny gaps in weather-stripping on doors, and otherwise express delight in her power that could, if she willed it, annihilate us in one shrieking howl of her breath.

Tonight, we’ve just experienced (and are, I hope, experiencing the tail end) of such a storm. Rarely does weather strike fear into me; usually, it simply causes appreciation and admiration to well up in my chest. Tonight, I watched monstrous trees bend in prayer to a mad wind who did not care to receive their worship. I am alive. For that, I am grateful. During the height of the storm, I was entirely unsure whether that would be the case over the course of minutes.

Back to my original comment: this area is visited MUCH more frequently than Dallas by fierce storms. It just is. I had no idea; and now, I wonder if I can tolerate this for much longer. New Zealand, specifically the north end of the south island, is tugging at me to come visit, “for just a while…or a lifetime.”

Actually, I mention New Zealand only because it’s been much on my mind of late, for reasons I choose not to address right now, and I dreamed last night of moving there. That was after conversations about Nelson, New Zealand over dinner last night. Crap, I may actually be crazy enough to move. Yesterday afternoon, I shared with my wife what I’d found about the cost and schedule of flights and buses to get to Havelock, NZ, where I’d found an absolutely dreamy and utterly affordable motel. I could do this. I really could. But would my wife go with me? She wouldn’t go for my place in the country and a tractor, so I guess I won’t get to follow this dream, either. I can get pretty damn depressed pretty damn fast, you know? No, you wouldn’t; you don’t know me any better than I know myself.

Posted in Philosophy, Travel | 3 Comments

Blood

Some words occupy spaces only they can fill.  Those words are like surviving twins; they are incomplete pairs that cannot be repaired, no matter how much energy is expended to that end. One such word is blood. Oh, one might find thesauri that suggest synonyms, but the supposed synonyms they offer do not pass muster. Neither hemoglobin nor plasma nor  sanguine fluid nor the slang form, claret, do justice to blood. Blood, alone, accomplishes the definitive task for the English language. And that is fine. In fact, the singularity of an adequate word to describe the necessary fluid of life is more than fine; it is right and just. Here, of course, I’m referring only to the red liquid pumped by the heart.

There are other uses of the word “blood,” you know.

‘He’s a blood relative.’  ‘That man is hot-blooded.’ ‘Charles Manson was a cold-blooded killer.’ You know them. Those uses of the word attempt to borrow the significance and consequence of ‘blood.’

Many writers attempt to conjure blood through similes and metaphors, but none of their attempts endangers the superiority of that one word.

Posted in Just Thinking, Language | 1 Comment

When We Do Not Exist

It would help if we would rely more on our reason than our wishes.
It would help if we recognized fantasy for what it is.
It would help if we recognized our failings and owned up to our flaws.
It would help if we listened to our deepest, most primitive emotions and let them flow.
It would help if we accepted inadequacies, leaving excuses in the dust where they belong.

It’s okay to feel utter hopelessness, because we’ve earned that emotion.
It’s okay to weep openly at our lost innocence, knowing it’s gone forever.
It’s okay to hate who we’ve become, because we’ve become who we’ve been taught to hate.
It’s okay to sharpen the scalpel and find the softest spot on which to test its edge.
It’s okay to recognize we’ve squandered our chances to capture our own salvation.

There is no god but the one we created in our own minds,
no god but the illusion we hoped would lead us from the abyss from which
there is no escape, now that we know what we’ve created.

Help doesn’t exist where help wasn’t wanted.
God doesn’t exist when god is but who we are,
when we know we are not, nor will ever be, god.

Posted in Poetry | Leave a comment

Losing Hope

I’m looking out the big windows in my “tree house room” into a sky washed in muted blue and grey and white clouds. Huge limbs block pieces of the sky. Leaves that will, a few months hence, fall as brown and orange litter, retain their deep green hues for now. I think any other day like today would give me reason to celebrate life. Any other day would  offer joy as a byproduct of being who and where I am. But today is bleak. I am thinking this morning about the murder of five police officers in Dallas and the recent senseless killing of two more black men by police officers who, it seems to me, reacted in fear to the circumstances that confronted them. Today is bleak because I do not see an end to this. This country needs a calm, resourceful leader to guide us out of the abyss. That leader is most certainly not Donald Trump. And it’s not Hillary Clinton, either. It’s not Bernie Sanders or Paul Ryan or any of the other politicians whose egos stoke the fires that burn  the heart and soul of America to ashes. I don’t know who that much-needed leader is, but I know who it’s not. Maybe it would have been John Fitzgerald Kennedy or Martin Luther King or the Dali Lama. But they are not leading us. No one is. We are packs of savages with no one to shepherd us in to the caves in which we belong. I’ve not felt the hopelessness I feel this morning since I was in college, the first fall semester when I thought the only solution to resolve the pain was to die. I know that’s no solution; the world would go on imploding on itself without me. But the utter hopelessness I feel at this very moment is palpable; it courses through my veins as if it were thick grey concrete, hardening with each passing second.

Posted in Just Thinking | 1 Comment

Musings on the Day After the Fourth

Last night, I sat on my deck watching explosions of fireworks in the deep distance and hearing the faint percussive thuds of the remote blasts. The air was hot and muggy, defining July in central Arkansas (and much of my home state of Texas). I grilled hot dogs for dinner, playing homage to American tradition, but my post-dinner libation of choice was a gin and tonic; homage to my British ancestry.

As I sat pondering American Independence Day and feeling appreciation for the good fortune of being born in this country, images from my computer screen appeared in my mind’s eye. The images, from the attacks on Dhaka and Baghdad, reminded me that battles arising from hatred and greed and lust for power are just as horrific as battles for freedom. But no moral justification exists for the former. The fight for freedom, though, that’s steeped in morality. Or is it?

I suppose the answer depends on the costs freedom fighters and their beneficiaries are wiling to pay for their successes. When my British forebears and their compatriots came to this continent, economic and political freedoms drove their emigration from their homeland. Their fight for independence, which gave us our own, seems to us now as just and moral. But what of their expansive appetites for more? More land, more control over indigenous peoples…just more. That voracious appetite and its genetic imprint that morphed into an imperialist move westward and then, later, globally, got us where we are today.  So, on the one hand, we owe our society’s standing in the world and our standard of living to our ancestors’ fight for freedom. On the other, we owe our largess to our ancestors’, and our own, inclinations toward imperialism and their/our disregard for the rights of peoples who were here before us.

Lest anyone who happens upon this post think I am a bleeding-heart liberal who’s ashamed of being an American, let me correct that impression. I am a bleeding-heart liberal who’s most definitely proud to be an American, but one who believes our tendency to beat our chests and the drums of nationalism ought to be restrained. I am a bleeding-heart liberal who thinks we ought to acknowledge the moral failings that got us where we are today. I am a bleeding-heart liberal who thinks we should temper our desires for “more” with a pledge to avoid making the same moral mistakes our forebears made.

Nationalism or chauvinism or whatever you choose to call blind, unquestioning patriotism is a disease of the intellect. It cripples rational thought and brews intolerance and bigotry and xenophobia. Or is it the other way around? Does a crippled intellect give rise to the aforementioned ills? I do not have the answer, but I suspect a symbiotic relationship exists between zealotry of any stripe and underdeveloped intellectual capacity. Yet as I give thought to what might “fix” the problem of blind patriotism and its cousins, I get back to inferior intellect as their breeding ground. If that’s the case, then, education might be the answer; unless, of course, intellectual dwarfism cannot be cured by exposure to facts or critical thinking.

Contemplating the ugliness I see on the world stage cements my perception that bigotry is and fanaticism are not just American phenomena. The disease is not geo-specific; it resides wherever humans go. I see-saw between hope and pride in the best I see in American and, indeed, global society and despair in what I see as an intractable element of humanity. Looking back at literature over the centuries, I see that same dichotomy between optimism and despondency. So, my emotional conflict is by no means new, nor mine alone. But I just wish there were a cure for the ignorance that seems to serve as a petri dish for pestilent strains of misunderstanding.

There I go again, wishing. That, too, is a disease; borne by ineffectual or non-existent efforts to bring about change.

Posted in Depression, Frustration, Independence Day, Philosophy, Politics, Rant | 2 Comments

Practical Sorcery

Meniscus Plevens rolled his eyes. His sister, Cleopatricia, shot a dark, menacing glance in his direction, a glare hot enough to melt the bacon-grease-saturated smile off his face. Every time she started to tell the story about her conversation with President Roosevelt, Meniscus rolled his eyes in disbelief that she was willing to embarrass herself by telling such a preposterous tale and insisting it was factual. Still, each time the coals in her eyes tamed his overt disdain.

“Seriously, it was four years ago and I was like seventeen years old. I was alone in the shop, mopping up ice cream melts from a rush of customers a little while earlier, when he came in. When I looked up and saw him, my jaw dropped. It was FDR! In the flesh! We’d just studied about his presidency in my history class, so I knew exactly what he looked like. It was so weird; he was like a black and white photo, but in 3-D. And he just started talking to me.”

Meniscus swallowed the last piece of limp bacon, wiped his slippery face with his sleeve, and glanced at Dahlia, Cleopatricia’s roommate. Dahlia’s face betrayed nothing about what she thought of the story; she sat stone-faced as Cleopatricia continued.

“He said he just wanted me to understand why he always insisted on hiding his wheelchair from public view.  But, next, he started speaking in gibberish for a minute. And, then, he smiled and put a big cigar in his mouth and said, ‘Do you understand what I’m saying, sweetheart?’ And he turned and walked out the door. Yeah, I said he walked. He didn’t need a wheelchair. It was all a stunt.”

Meniscus watched Dahlia’s mouth twitch slightly. But her eyes remained fixed and vacant, revealing nothing of what she might be thinking until she blurted, “My god, Cleo, you’re about as delusional as anyone I’ve ever met. And I’ve met some crazies in my time.”

 

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Brexit

My fears about the Brexit vote came to fruition when, in the middle of the night last night, I woke up and checked the news. I don’t pretend to understand the full breadth of the vote’s ramifications on the world economy, but I suspect they will be significant. I sincerely believe the rationale for the decision, at least for many voters, wasn’t economic sovereignty they claim. Instead, I think their decision to vote to leave the European Union was based on their xenophobic fears about living under EU immigration policies. The success of the LEAVE supporters has already given far-right factions in France and other places around Europe the fuel they need to fan the flames in their own countries. I wonder now whether the EU can survive for the long haul? And I wonder whether the success of the anti-immigrant factions in Britain will add fuel to the fire in the U.S., leading to the horror of a Trump presidency? If I were a praying man, I’d pray for divine intervention to ensure that Trump never gets near the White House.

Posted in Politics | 2 Comments

Wisdom in Nonsense?

Last night, during a break from watching the CNN town hall with the Libertarian candidates for President and Vice President, I wrote a bizarre post on Facebook, expecting it to generate a flood of comments questioning my sanity. Sadly, only one person made a comment, suggesting the post was alcohol-induced. It wasn’t, but I guess I can see why the respondent might have thought so. Here’s the post:

I do not own horses, nor do I wish to sell children. These matters may seem miles apart, but if you look carefully, they barely describe distances in kilometers in a universe in which apostasy trumps faith an inch at a time.

And there you have it. A comment so utterly absurd, yet so full of truth, that no response can possibly do it justice.

Posted in Just Thinking | 2 Comments

Missing Pieces

Other people remember their seventeenth and eighteenth and nineteenth birthdays as milestones, landmarks of adventure to be remembered longingly as they glide through their senior years. Not I. Even when prompted by hearing stories of someone else’s ‘coming of age,’ I don’t remember.

I don’t recall being part of a crowd, one of a dozen young people making love on the beach, against a backdrop of ice chests full of beer, absorbing the heat and scent of a huge driftwood campfire. Nor do I long to relive the experience of smoking my first joint in the company of a girl who willingly shared herself, her first time, with me. You can’t relive something that didn’t happen.

It’s not that such experiences have no appeal for me; it’s simply that as far as I know, they aren’t part of my early life repertoire. What little I remember about the time of my life when I should have been ‘coming of age’ is, by and large, dull and lifeless, lacking in most respects the excitement of youthful rebellion and blossoming adulthood.

When, recently, I watched a retrospective of the early 1970s on television, the open-mouthed kisses between eager strangers dancing in the streets seemed utterly foreign to me. The uninhibited mutual exploration of young bodies I saw on the screen did not take place where I lived, at least not in my presence. And I certainly was not party to it, though I do remember wishing for such things; my libido was, to the best of my knowledge, fairly typical.

I came of age in a time of personal repression and fragile self-esteem. I dared not hope to be part of the revolution I heard so much about. Sure, I had my share of flings involving young women, but they were not the unrestrained lust-fests I heard about (and hear about to this day) and so badly wanted. Mine were restrained lust-fests.

And then I grew up, at the speed of an excruciating crawl. Along the way, I required of myself that I forego exhilarating experiences in favor of a life better suited to someone unaccustomed to taking risks. In a nutshell, either I missed out on the rights of passage to which everyone else staked their claims or that mythical life-changing transition is, indeed, a myth.

An acquaintance, who’s writing a memoir, seems to have had an utterly different experience than did I. He writes of excitement and danger in exquisite detail. I do not even recall wishing for a more exciting life. I recall virtually nothing at all.

This absence of recollections is, at times, troubling. Did something horrific happen to me, something so terrible that, to cope, I erased a large swath of my life from memory? Hah! The years from birth to post-college no longer constitutes a “large swatch of my life,” do they? I should be content with recollections of my life after college. Or should I? Should any of us be content with recollections? Shouldn’t we focus, instead, on the here and now and what we can make of what’s left of our lives?

Before I launch into a philosophical argument about the value of memory versus experience, I should say that my memories of my early years have not simply evaporated. I remember incidents from my junior high and high school years, but I don’t recall the context. I remember my infatuation with my high school biology teacher, Cookie Jones. I recall drinking beer with friends and then hanging my head out the back window of a station wagon, throwing up on cars following close behind. I remember my fight with Mark Westerman, whose blow to my lower lip resulted in a flood of blood soaking my shirt. For some reason, my one and only junior high date with Margaret Embry, when I took her to see Fantastic Voyage, remains with me. But outside these snapshots, and several others, I don’t have a complete picture of my youth. And before junior high and high school? Almost nothing. Occasionally, my mind’s eye will reveal a flash of experience, but not the context. From my years at Montclair Elementary, I remember making fun of, and then befriending, a little boy whose skin was blue, the result of some sort of heart condition, I think. And I recall being a member of the Safety Patrol, a group of students who served as crossing guards at crosswalks near the school; we carried long bamboo poles with a yellow flag attached to one end and held the poles across the street to stop cars while students crossed the street as they walked to school. I wonder whether that aspect of my childhood continues in schools today?

But back to the philosophical discussion. What value do memories have? Surely, they serve as reminders of things we’ve learned, things that are valuable as we live our lives day to day; I recall being burned when I touched a hot stove, the recollection of which serves a useful purpose today. But otherwise, what purpose do memories serve, really? Does it matter than I do not recall much of my youth? I mean, I might as well not have experienced my life from age five to twenty, save a few snippets that remain with me today. Does it matter? I honestly cannot say. Only people whose memories are far more complete than mine might answer, or try to answer, that question.

Judging from the number of times I’ve thought about, and written about, the paucity of memories from my youth, I have to say I’m bothered by it. But I suppose there’s no solution; if I haven’t been able to piece together my youth after sixty-two years, I doubt I’ll be able to do it during the next sixty-two years. Yet, maybe I’ll try to capture those fleeting moments of memory when they flash across my mind by writing them down. Over time, perhaps I can stitch those snippets together chronologically in some fashion to reconstruct my early years> Then I might decide it was a worthwhile endeavor, or that it was not.

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Ill and Alone

My friend, Myra, wound up in a Lexington, Kentucky hospital emergency room yesterday. I don’t know just what led her there, aside from intense pain. I spoke with her last night from her hospital bed (the hospital admitted her) after learning of her mishap from her daughter’s Facebook posting; her daughter gave me a phone number where I could reach her. Myra assured me she was doing much better, having adapted nicely to pain medications; friends were on the way to drive her and her car home, presumably today.

Finding oneself hospitalized in a strange place with no friends or family close by can be terrifying; I can attest to that from experience. My first such experience was in Toledo, Ohio, where I was attending a business meeting. I experienced intense intestinal pain, courtesy of Crohn’s disease; it was so intense that I asked to be taken to the hospital. The doctors were confident acute appendicitis caused the pain, so they took me to the operating room to remove my appendix; instead, they found and removed several feet of badly damaged intestines. They removed the appendix, as well. When I awoke, my wife was at my bedside; she had flown to Toledo from Chicago to be there for me.  Had I awoken to only nurses and doctors, I am sure the experience would have been even more terrifying. Other people who attended the meeting visited me, but it wasn’t like having friends or family; I appreciated their presence, of course, but having someone at one’s side, someone with whom one has an emotional attachment, is healing.

A similar situation arose several years later when I flew to Vienna to attend a meeting for another organization. Again, the intense pain caused by Crohn’s disease prompted me to ask the hotel to have a taxi take me to a hospital. I did call for a taxi, though, until I had first called my wife to tell her that I was ill and asked her to call my gastroenterologist to ask him what to do; naturally, he told her I should immediately go a hospital emergency room. That experience was a bit odd, in that the taxi driver first took me to a hospital that turned me away because it accepted only people who were injured, not people who were ill; the second hospital took me in. Fortunately, I did not have to undergo surgery, but I was kept in the hospital for a few days before being allowed to leave. I did not return to the meeting but, instead, went to the airport. My seat on the plane home was not assured until I spoke to the pilot; he would not allow me to take a seat until he spoke to me and felt confident I was well enough to travel. During my hospital stay, the frequent presence of a representative of the Vienna convention bureau, who was hosting the meeting I was to attend, comforted me. He also kept in close contact with my wife.

There was at least one other time when I fell ill while traveling (possibly more, but memory begins to blur at my advanced age). I believe I was in Las Vegas, but it might have been Palm Springs, when late one evening I again experienced the intense pain of Crohn’s. I was able to call a taxi myself and asked the driver to take me to the hospital. I spent several hours in the emergency room, during which time the pain eased dramatically. Just before dawn, I was allowed to leave. As the taxi dropped me off at the front of the hotel, the chief volunteer leader of the association I managed at the time walked out the front door on his way to take a walk; we had an interesting conversation as I explained that, no, I had not been out on a “night on the town.”

I suspect I could, if I challenged myself to do it, write a longer, more intriguing story of my experiences traveling ill and alone. But for now, I hope Myra will take time to write of her experiences while they are fresh and clear. I wish I had written about mine while they were new and I could recall more of the detail that surrounded my experiences. Wishes. More wishes. Damn it. Stop with the wishing.

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Post-Solstice Apothegm

“We all make mistakes.” That phrase acknowledges error with the gift of forgiveness. But it provides only a single absolution of transgression; it is not a coupon valid for repeat offenses.

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Wishing as a Lifestyle

Yet again, I arose far earlier than I intended this morning, getting out of bed about 3:30. A couple of cups of coffee and too much web-surfing later, I sit at my computer wondering why. Not just why I woke up early. Why, in a more general sense?

Some of my internet meanderings this morning took me back to the town of Viroqua, Wisconsin, a place I stumbled on several weeks ago while I was in search of a setting for a story.  I began writing it but, to date, haven’t finished the tale. I doubt I will; I’d have to spend time in Viroqua and neighboring Soldiers Grove to write the story properly and I don’t see myself taking up residence in either place in the near term, though I will be in Wisconsin soon (but not close enough to either place to warrant a detour).

When I stumbled onto Viroqua a few weeks ago, I fell in love with the place. Or, I should say, I fell in love with the idea of the place as it then existed in my head. I fell in love with its large and successful food co-op. The small-town sense of place I saw in my mind’s eye captivated me. I pictured a tight-knit community of artists and farmers and progressive thinkers who would welcome outsiders willing to leave their biases and hard-edged skepticism about the goodness of human nature at the town limits. In short, I invested in a fantasy utterly unrelated to any real, hard data I had about the town; I wanted Viroqua to be something it’s probably not. This morning’s treks through the streets of the town using Google street view revealed a town that could be Anywhere USA: Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, Tractor Supply, Walgreen’s, the Viroqua Food Cooperative (information about which helped propel my fantasy about the town), and a large sign proclaiming Republican Headquarters. The last bit, suggesting not progressivism but intolerance (yes, I realize I’m biased), made me delve a little deeper into the town.

I learned that one of the founders of the Share Our Wealth society, Gerald K. Smith, hailed from Viroqua. He moved to Louisiana, where he met Huey Long and the two of them advocated for a new social and political contract (Share Our Wealth, aka Share the Wealth) that seems, to me, to have been rooted in populism with socialist underpinnings. According to a website dedicated to Huey Long, the key planks of the Share The Wealth platform included:

  • Limit annual income to one million dollars each (about $12 million today)
  • Cap personal fortunes at $50 million each — equivalent to about $600 million today (later reduced to $5 – $8 million, or $60 – $96 million today)
  • Limit inheritances to five million dollars each (about $60 million today)
  • Guarantee every family an annual income of $2,000 (or one-third the national average)
  • Free college education and vocational training
  • Old-age pensions for all persons over 60
  • Veterans benefits and healthcare
  • A 30 hour work week
  • A four week vacation for every worker
  • Greater regulation of commodity production to stabilize prices

After Long’s assassination, Gerald Smith took over the project and ran it into the ground. Smith was a miserable bastard, it seems, an advocate of white supremacy and a demagogue of the highest order.  He advocated for the release of Nazi war criminals and was publisher of The Cross and the Flag, a monstrous rag that claimed the six million Jews killed by the Nazis had actually not been killed but, instead, had immigrated to the United States.  I found intriguing that Smith, after a failed right-wing political career, moved to Eureka Springs, Arkansas, where he raised money to build the Christ of the Ozarks statue, which was to be a centerpiece of a religious theme park that never materialized.

So, my brief trip through a magical kingdom built in my head, populated by people I would like and admire, disappeared in a burst of hissing, foul-smelling steam expelled by people whose very existence makes me question the existence of “good.” But that’s true about almost everywhere I go. And it’s true about nearly everyone I meet; I want everyone to be that magical human who gives me reason to think the ugliness all around us is a tiny and temporary blip in history, soon to be relegated to memory and replaced by light. Alas, it doesn’t happen. That having been said, I do encounter many people I consider good, decent, kind, exceptional people; a lot of them. Just not enough. Notwithstanding that downer of an attitude, I’ll go on pursuing my dreams (if I can identify just what they are) and continue my lifestyle of wishing for a world that doesn’t exist, never did, and never will.

 

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I Borrow

I borrow from what I read, what I hear, and from what I previously wrote about the world around me. I borrow ideas, opinions, and emotions. Hell, I borrow sensations of pleasure and pain from people who, intentionally or not, share them with me through their words or their eyes or the way they flinch at memory triggers they do not realize I can see.

The shivers up your spine are not always entirely yours; I might share them with you. And I might share the throbbing pain you feel in your head or your foot or the pulsing pleasure you feel in places you don’t describe in mixed company.

You see, I can learn about the world from my own writing and from the way I imagine you interact with the world around you. I borrow from my own words, describing experiences I cannot fully process until I read about them later. I analyze what I wrote, using the lens of experience and clarity unavailable in the heat of the moment to temper what I think I felt. Time and reflection yield truths unavailable at the instant of experience. The pain of touching a burning ember differs at the moment of the experience from a recollection an hour later. The ecstasy of orgasm in the moment may pale in comparison to the reminiscence, or vice versa. Time and the manner in which one borrows from his memory twists reality into pretzels; sometimes they can be unwound into long, straight strands of dough, but usually they shatter into crumbs during the attempt.

I have come to realize I am a person unlike the vast majority of people with whom I interact. I borrow them to define my experience; I borrow them to quantify and qualify my value in relation to the ground on which I walk. They do not do the same; well, maybe some do, but only rarely. The few who do are among a small and unpleasant breed that doesn’t fit, at least not here. We’re borrowing a place to be, hoping to stumble upon that magical propellant that will thrust us toward the place where being will better match who we are. How will we know? I do not know. I can only imagine the fit will be apparent. It will be apparent because we will no longer need to borrow but, instead, will be benefactors to those who need to borrow.

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Early Morning Ruminations on the Return from France

How charming, my belief that I had—with virtually no effort—overcome the jet lag of returning home from France. I thought getting up at 6:00 a.m. Saturday, staying awake for the entire series of flights from Marseille to Little Rock, and going to bed at around 9:00 p.m. on Saturday evening (the equivalent of 4:00 a.m. Sunday in France, so I was awake for twenty-two hours straight) would deftly handle jet lag. I was fine all day Sunday. I went to bed Sunday evening, a little early. And then I woke up before 3:00 a.m. Wide awake. My quaint naïveté that I had conquered jet lag surprised me this morning when I found myself wanting to go back to sleep, but knowing I could not.

And, so, instead I washed the few dishes in need of washing, and began the process of washing clothes from the trip. Shirts and snazzy, colorful socks are in the washer now. Jeans will follow when the first load is done. And then underwear. Ah, the joys of living in clothes follow us wherever we go; methinks the benefits of nudism extend beyond freedom from wearing constricting clothing. Just think how much time one might save in a lifetime if freed from the chores of washing clothes; think of how many lives doctors might have saved, had instead of washing clothes, they had practiced their medical arts. There, I did it; I succeeded in making the argument that nudism can save lives and, conversely, that wearing clothes can lead to death.

I drove a rented car for the last six full days we were in France. I had reserved a Peugot 308, but when I went to pick it up, the reservation agent at Sixt Rent a Car knew I had a reservation, but did not know much beyond that; even though I previously had completed online forms with my driver’s licence, credit card information, passport number, etc., she knew only my name and that I had reserved a car. She had set aside a Fiat 500L, which ostensibly will seat five and hold three bags, just as the Peugot was supposed to do; but I suggested the Fiat 500L would not be suitable. Also, because it did not have GPS (another thing I’d listed as a requirement with my online reservation), it would not do. After some shuffling, she lined me up with a 6-speed manual transmission Nissan Pulsar with a GPS. That would be fine, I said. And it was, save for my ineptitude in getting the GPS set up properly from the start. And my encounter with roundabouts. And my poor recollection of French road signs I’d studied before the trip. And my stress with all the aforementioned. After getting acquainted with the car, though, and driving through a few roundabouts, I was all right. I actually came to like driving the car…as long as we were on desolate country roads. When we hit heavy traffic, my stress level peaked. Yet we got through all six days and many kilometers, with visits to Nîmes, Avignon, L’Isle-sur-la-Sorgue, Banon, Cabrières-d’Avignon (home base), Coustellet, Gordes, etc., etc. Here’s a snapshot of a map, showing some of the places we visited during our stay in France (including before renting the car); obviously, we drove through a lot of this area.

Places_We_Visited

It’s now 4:40 a.m. and I must go attend to the washer and dryer. There’s so much to think about on the return from France. And so much to write about, if only I will. I think it’s time to kick myself in the butt and write some fiction, some travelogues, and a few opinion pieces. But, first, the clothes. And maybe breakfast. Coffee, of course, comes before all the above.

 

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Frolics in France

Yesterday, we all piled in two cars and drove to Gordes, a beautiful little village a short drive away. It was, as expected, packed with tourists. They had come for the stunning views of the valleys below and the quaint, curving streets one finds in such communities carved into to rocks of ancient limestone mountains. We walked around the village, one brother desperately searching for cigarettes while the rest of us looked for ice cream and baguettes (boulangers, it seems, close early on Monday or don’t open at all). We found baguettes and ice cream; my brother would have to search for a tabac store in another village before securing the stuff to assuage his addiction.

The rest of the group wanted to visit another beautiful mountainside village we had seen on our earlier tour, so Janine and I decided to strike out on our own for the village of Banon, where a marvelous bookstore, according to something Janine had read, awaited us. We drove the better part of an hour, reaching the village just after 2:30. Our first priority was to find lunch. Alas, the restaurant scene in Banon, like the rest of the little piece of Provence we have seen so far, closes around 2:30. So, we entered a little bar nearby, hoping for lunch. As we looked at the menu board, the bar-maid explained in French that we somehow understood that only two of the dozen menu items remained available: quiche Provençal and croc Monsieur. We ordered them. They were abysmal fast food snacks that our bar maid took out of their plastic wrap containers and heated in a microwave. Fortunately, the two Schweppe’s Indian tonic waters we ordered were delicious and washed away the nastiness of horrid French fast bar food. Following lunch, Janine followed the sign to the toilette, only to find the bar had facilities only for women; that was fine for her, but it left me wondering if I might have to duck behind a building to pee against the alley wall of a village shop.

After a decidedly horrible lunch, we walked to Librairie Le Bluet, the bookstore Janine had read about in a Fodor guide (or some such fount of knowledge of all things French). It was an impressive place, a web of aisles twisting around the store on several levels, many of which were reachable only by spiral staircases. Alas, the touted English language section Janine read about was nowhere to be found. But, the shop had an intriguing wood carving, a stack of books, out front, making the visit worthwhile. Apparently, a huge tree that had once lived outside the bookstore had died and someone (quite the woodcarver) had fashioned a huge stack of books from its carcass.

On leaving the bookstore, we spied a public toilette near the place we had parked the car; I was thus spared the indignity of being arrested and jailed for public indecency.

During our return trip, the nice woman speaking to us from the GPS speaker routed us through a rather large town (around 12,000 people) in the Vaucluse department of the Provence Alpes-Côte d’Azur region. We stopped at a supermarket, a place called Simply, to buy some necessary supplies: toilet paper, canned beans, canned tomato concentrate, ground beef, facial tissues, a tin of mackerel in white wine sauce, some radishes, some ground cumin, a small jar of sambal-oeleek, and so forth. On the way home from the book and grocery run, we saw a small army of gendarmes blocking access to a road off to the right of a round-about; we breathed a sigh of relief that the blocked road was not our planned path home.

Once home, I emptied the dishwasher and Janine began working on the bag of cashews she bought at the supermarket. The rest of the crew arrived home shortly thereafter, whereupon we collectively feasted on smoked pork loin, cheese, olives, baguettes, and so forth, accompanied by (or following) a bit of pastis and/or wine.

I think I am 170 pounds heavier now than when I arrived in France on May 28. I will address this matter in due course; after we get home.

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Yes, I’m happy. Why do you ask?

This is what a happy man looks like. So, if you do not look like this,logic tells me you’re not a happy man. That, my friends, is irrefutable logic. image

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Hen Peckery

The pizza is not what I expected. But that’s all right. I had no expectations about pizza. Indeed, I had no plans to eat pizza. But the time and the place and the menu conspired to place pizza before me. And so I ate. The Marguerita pizza was unlike any other I’ve had; not particularly bad, but not something for which I will clamor in the future. The other pizza, I forget what it was called, was decent, but not memorable. The water and wine helped. Two pizzas, shared by three of us, proved sufficient. Rick Steves said nice things about the restaurant, which is in a square near the Arles arena. But I cannot recall the restaurant’s name. No matter; I doubt I’ll return.

Ah, you’ll want to remember this, which I learned a few days ago: St. George is the patron saint of horsemen, known as gardians around these parts…or, at least, in the Camargue. Let me tell you, the Camargue was an unexpected delight, what with the horses, the bulls, the pink flamingoes, and the topography of South Texas and the Gulf coast. The Camargue horse, white and powerful and gentle, are known to anticipate the movements of black bulls even before the bull thinks about moving. Magical, yes?

No one knows why Van Go0gh stopped in Arles. There’s speculation, of course, because that’s what people do. But we know he did. I suspect it was the amphitheater; if I had been Vincent Van Gogh (and who’s to say I was not?), that’s why I would have stopped here. That, or the light or the wine. The sky here, that is the light, is glorious blue, the blue one associates with Arles. I also associate Marie Flore and Joan Baez with Arles, but that’s just musical memory talking.

Today, we walk and wander more. And eat. And drink wine. Because that is what one does in Arles, especially in the days before moving on to villages outside of Avignon.

I considered bringing my notebook computer with me so I could blog more easily, but I did not. So, this hen peck of a note must do for now, until my finger consents to more pecking.

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