Clare’s Accent Made Me Hungry for a Visit to South Africa

When I heard Clare’s accent on the phone the other day, my mind immediately leapt toward South African food. If I discover Clare is from Angola or Ghana or, god forbid, Ecuador or Romania, I will be deeply embarrassed. Until that mortifying moment that I discover my accent-recognition-meter is badly broken, though, my infatuation with South African cuisine will guide my culinary considerations.

In addition to peri-peri sauce (with a focus on peri-peri chicken), my taste buds are hankering for boerswors, a sausage I’ve never tasted but after which I’ve long lusted. According to the South African media outlet, Independent Media/IOL, boerewors, to comply with South African law, must comprise no less than 90 percent meat–beef with lamb, pork or a mixture of the two–and a fat content of no more than 30 percent. If I had the necessary equipment to attach to our Kitchenaid mixer,  I long ago would have made boerswors (as well as dozens of other types of sausages). However, I have neither the grinder nor the sausage stuffer. Consequently, I’ve never bought the casing I’d need into which to stuff the ground and spiced meat. But were that equipment and material suddenly appear in my kitchen one day, I’d be able to find the right recipes. I believe I’d be able to make boerswors that would make ex-pat South Africans homesick.

My brief conversation with Clare led me beyond food to culture. Though the memory of apartheid is ugly, the fight against it brewed some remarkable literary talent. I remember watching a play by Athol Fugard, “Master Harold”…and the boys, though I don’t remember specifics about the play. I remember it made me cry.  And the remarkable history of Nelson Mandela gives me reason to want to know more about and to see South Africa. And some friends’ recent trip to South Africa, from which they very recently returned, spurred on what had been my flagging desire to see the country. If I’m able to get around by then, we’re going to their house on December 1 to see photos they took during their trip. And one of my partially-written novels is based heavily on imaginary circumstances surrounding South Africa’s now-dismantled nuclear program. For some reason, South Africa—its food and its history and its cultural complexity—has long found a place in my imagination and on my palate. I do, in fact, have a jar of ground peri-peri in my kitchen. And I have had, on many occasions, bottles of Nando’s Peri-Peri Sauce in my refrigerator. I suspect I have one or more of Athol Fugard’s books and/or plays on my bookshelf, though it’s possible it/they were sold or given away in the purge that preceded our move from Dallas to Hot Springs Village.

I prefer writing what I’ve just done to what I wrote in the middle of the night last night. I scheduled that piece moderately depressing bit of writing to go “live” this afternoon about the time I reach Little Rock.  Maybe I’ll let it go live, maybe I won’t. Time will tell, as I sometimes say.

 

Posted in Food | 2 Comments

Closer to the Cut

Yesterday, two calls from the hospital in Little Rock emphasized that this lung cancer surgery thing is really going to happen. First, a call from someone representing the anaesthesia team called to ask a lot of questions about my medical history, experience under anaesthesia, allergies, etc., etc., etc. I wanted desperately to ask the woman who called whether her accent was South African (because it sounded like a South African accent to me), but I stuck to the issues she raised. I think her name was Clare. If I can remember on Monday morning, I’ll ask someone whether Clare from the anaesthesia team is originally from South Africa. And, if the answer is “yes,” I’ll ask to speak to Clare after I’m well along in recovery so I can inquire about her life story and her experience, pro or con, with peri-peri sauce, one of many South African flavors I find quite appealing.  The second call wasn’t as interesting, but it was slightly more jolting. I had been expecting, based on my interactions with the surgeon, Jason Muesse, that I would be his second procedure of the day; a morning procedure, but not the earliest. But the caller told me I should plan to be at the hospital at 5:00 a.m. on Monday morning in preparation for a 7:00 a.m. surgery. Even for me, 5:00 a.m. is early. For my wife, it’s early to the second power, multiplied many times over. Needless to say, our decision to drive to Little Rock on Sunday afternoon, rather than heading over early Monday, was confirmed in spades. We’ll get a room in a nearby hotel or motel. My wife will plan to stay there for at least another two or three days. I think she’s already made reservations with a place that offers complimentary 24/7 transportation to and from the main hospitals in the area, UAMS and CHI St. Vincent.

I opted for the November 19 surgery date, even though Dr. Muesse intends to be away on holiday/vacation for the remainder of Thanksgiving week. His colleague, Dr. Steliga, will take on responsibility for aftercare until my release from the hospital. Dr. Muesse recommended I get the surgery done ASAP after my meeting with him and, in fact, we set the surgery for November 14 (last Wednesday). After the meeting, though, I had cold feet. I wanted to participate in our little wine/appetizer group’s gathering (this month, it was an Italian theme), which would have been impossible with a November 14 surgery. Methinks I simply got scared and used that as one of a couple dozen convenient excuses. When I opted against November 19, I suggested December 4. Dr. Muesse had suggested I not wait any longer than that, for fear of allowing the tumor to metastasize. We don’t know for certain it hasn’t already, but I certainly didn’t want to give it more time, regardless, so we picked Monday.  I’ve probably already written this. I feel like my writing must seem a little like the words of elderly people who tell the same story over and over and over again.

Despite fears and misgivings, I’ve come to grips with the fact that I’m having lung cancer surgery and that I’ll have chemotherapy afterward. Those facts conspire to force me to admit that it’s more than I’m having surgery for a malignant tumor and subsequent treatment; I have to admit “I have lung cancer.” That is harder to say than I expected it might be. For whatever reason, it’s easier to talk about the matter in a certain way—that a tumor is growing inside of me that, if left untreated, will eventually kill me—than in another—that I have lung cancer. The latter seems more sinister and more deadly for some reason. “You have lung cancer.” None of the doctors thus far have stated it in that way. “The tumor is malignant.” That’s closer to what they’ve said. I wonder whether their choice of words is quite intentional? I wonder whether they explicitly avoid saying “you have lung cancer” because that statement sounds to the patient like a death sentence? Hmm.  I wonder if, in my own mind, I’m better off telling myself that a malignant tumor is growing inside my lung as opposed to informing my already fragile sense of security that I have lung cancer? I’m sure there are resources to answer than question, perhaps people who have explored it more deeply than I can or will, but I’m not planning to spend my time today looking for them. Instead, I’ll spend a couple of hours at the Unitarian Universalist Village Church working on a new long-range plan. I have mixed feelings about that at the moment, but I will do it, nonetheless.

I have the sense that a lot of people don’t want to talk in any depth or detail about my diagnosis. And I can understand that. It’s uncomfortable talking with someone about a diagnosis that carries with it the prospect of that person’s earlier-than-anticipated death. Yet, as the person with the condition, I feel like talking about it. Not to elicit statements of concern and good wishes but to talk about more practical matters like pain management and when I’ll be able to drive after surgery and the number of follow-up visits I’ll have to make to the surgeon and oncologist and other aspects of how this surgery will impact my life and for how long. I can answer the question of “how long?” The rest of my life. But I’m looking not for the long-term minuscule impacts; I’m curious about ongoing dislocations to my quality of life and their impact on both me and my wife. I suppose lung cancer support groups can help answer some of those questions. After I return home from surgery, I’ll plan on seeking information about them. I suspect there are groups locally, perhaps even in Hot Springs Village. The unfortunate fact of life, though is that people in the Village who might have experienced what I’m about to go through are apt to be considerably older than I and may have had surgery and recovery before current techniques were in use. WAIT. Now THAT is the equivalent to the attitude that “we’ve already tried that and it didn’t work.” I hate that! I’ll not go down that road, by god!

Tomorrow, at church, we’re having the annual Thanksgiving Dinner. We’ve participated in the event each of the past two years. It’s not a huge affair, just a luncheon with turkey supplied by the church (purchased from a local vendor that smokes them) and side dishes supplied by church members and friends who sign up to provide specific dishes. We’ll be among several to bring green bean casseroles. If I were on the committee responsible for organizing the event, I’d lobby for something different. Perhaps an Indian-inspired turkey dinner. I just did a quick search and found a Tandoori turkey and chutney dinner on the epicurious website. The accompaniments include rice pilaf with almonds and raisins, caramelized cumin-roasted carrots, scalloped potatoes with coconut milk and chiles, and raita. Now THAT is a dinner I’d get excited about. But the excitement might fizzle when I realize only a half-dozen others in the congregation would share our excitement. And we’d have to cook the turkeys, rather than have someone else do it. Ah, well, I can dream. Perhaps next year my wife and I can offer a supplemental Thanksgiving dinner for adventurous diners, both inside and outside our church.

This food fixation presumes I’ll be able to eat what I want after surgery and that my attention won’t be focused primarily on pain management as opposed to the promotion of pleasure (I’m still alliterative, even when I’m shivering in fear). I read last night that fifty percent of lung cancer patients deal with severe chronic pain after surgery. That ups the ante for me, a man who readily admits to being allergic to pain. I’m banking on being in the fifty percent of patients who do NOT experience severe chronic pain after surgery. But even if I am in that fortunate fifty percent, I already feel empathy for those people who do suffer it. It’s an awful choice; between dying—and, in the process, suffering severe pain for a relatively short amount of time—and living for an unknown length of time while suffering from chronic severe pain. I sometimes wonder whether the focus of medicine should be regularly revisited with an examination of the philosophy that pain reduction should be given priority over life extension. Or, perhaps, we ought to openly discuss ways in which, on an individual-specific basis, we can measure that precise point at which, on one side, quality of life outweighs the price in pain paid to live it and, on the other side, the pain one would have to endure to continue to live one’s life is too great a price to pay to live. Just suggesting the discussion of such an equation may reveal how selfish and self-centered I am. The impact on others’ lives—wives, husbands, sons, daughters, parents, friends, et al—should figure into the equation. And, ultimately, we would probably decide that there is no equation sufficiently elegant and complex to determine that point at which life with pain is preferable to death. It’s an interesting problem to think about. But I’d rather think of it in the abstract that be forced to consider it as an immediately practical matter.

I do hope, when I come out of surgery, I’m able to talk with Clare about South African food. Assuming, of course, she was reared in South Africa. Even if she wasn’t, I hope I’m able after surgery to talk her about South African food. Or anything, really. Anything at all.

Posted in Cancer, Health, Thanksgiving | 3 Comments

Dreamscapes and Their Kin

Strange dreams last night.

I was in a  Japanese shipyard, where ships were being launched from an enormous automated contraption that suspended huge cargo ships along a track perpendicular to the waterfront. At the  very end of the track, the ships spun ninety degrees and slid down into the water. I somehow hung unto the railing of several of these ships as they made the ninety degree turn into the water. Japanese men snatched me as I dangled over the water and returned me to an observation spot way back dockside, away from the water, where another ship came by and I did the same thing again. What I found most fascinating was the enormity of the ships. They were the length of several football fields. And I had the sense that they were being assembled at high speed in a factory setting, perhaps several dozen ships per day. I do not know how I knew the shipyard was Japanese. I saw no writing, nor any indication I was in Japan. Only people who I knew, somehow, were Japanese.

Different dream, I assume. I was in a high-rise building in New York, where I shared an apartment with people I did not know. My bedroom was just off an elevator lobby, as were at least two other bedrooms. Another door from the elevator lobby was a bathroom. The toilet was stopped up. I needed to use the bathroom, so I took the elevator to the building lobby. I went outside the building to find a bathroom and walked around the block, but somehow I got turned around and confused and found myself in a run-down neighborhood where buildings with broken windows sat unoccupied and decaying. At some point, I decided to turn around and go back the way I came, but as I did, I realized darkness had fallen and there were no street lights nor any sidewalks. I was walking in the right lane of the street. Cars came up behind me and swerved around me. I expected to be hit any moment.

Perhaps as part of the same New York dream, but not sure, I left a high-rise building and followed a pathway through a large park-like area away from the building. At some point as I was crossing a huge field, I noticed the ground was wet. It got wetter the further I walked until, suddenly, I stepped into a puddle of sticky mud an inch deep. Mud splashed up on my pants leg and covered my shoes almost up to the laces. The shoes were made of a light violet-colored felt-like material. Ahead of me, people who had walked through the same path that I was walking had reached the street, where they were rinsing their shoes and lower legs at a fire hydrant that was spraying water to the side.

***

I remember thinking the grey sky a few days ago looked “sullen.” To me, sullen connotes subsurface anger, displeasure, and an unwillingness to engage. So when I thought the sky was sullen, I was ascribing human characteristics to it. Anthropomorphizing it. When people speak or write of animals or inanimate objects  (or large swaths of the universe) as if they share qualities with humans, I think they (we) either are minimizing the superiority of the physical world around us or elevating our own importance and influence. Or both. Yet, perhaps, the universe and everything in it is a living, breathing organization; we might well need to dramatically expand our understanding of the context  and definitions of “living” and “breathing” to better understand the universe. I seriously doubt that the universe possesses what we would call consciousness, but I suspect our definition of consciousness is small and feeble. I do not mean to say, in any respect, that the universe is god or God or almighty or Almighty. But this collective existence of things and space and stars and galaxies and endlessness is something beyond my comprehension.

***

Mortality is on my mind of late, courtesy of my selfish view of the universe. I like the idea that we are made of stardust and we will eventually return to stardust. But I’d rather like my return, and that of everyone I hold dear, to hold off until the end of time. That’s a play on words, by the way. Time, I think, is a construct to help us understand change. Change cannot occur, in our myopic view of the universe, without the passage of time. We look back in time and we remember what we did or did not do that makes us proud or full of regret. And we know we cannot correct mistakes already made. And we have to recognize that past mistakes shape us as we change, i.e., move forward in time. Regret is made of memories we’d rather not have living in our brains. Mortality wouldn’t be such an onerous concept if it didn’t share a place in our minds with regret.  Oh, I do wish I could change so many things about who I was and who I am. One doesn’t often think of such things so much in the invincible years of youth. We’re advised to never look back, to always look ahead to how we can be better and live better in the future. “You can’t change the past, but you can change the future.” Yes, to an extent. But the extent of change depends on the available future. Back to time and change, though; I wonder if time can be slowed by examining each element of change with a microscope? I’ll not test the theory.

***

Solvent means “having the power of dissolving.” (Among other definitions.) Solvency means “the ability to pay all just debts.” Insolvency means “bankrupt.” I’m of a mind that one could become rich if he or she developed a superior caustic that would erase bankruptcy.

“Just spray Solvitol on your bank statements and those fingers that just itch to spend money, wait half an hour, and presto! No more insolvency.”

I think I’d rather have a U.S. government-approved printing press and the appropriate plates and ink so I could print twenty-dollar-bills. Not that I’m insolvent, mind you. I’m just your average American citizen, consumed with unspeakable greed and living under the assumption that money can solve all problems, big and small. Lung cancer? For the right amount of money we can turn back time and remove that tumor with video-assisted-thoracic surgery. Mortality creeps in to every damn conversation! I can speak about a bowl of milk and wonder how long before it goes sour. Morbid! (Just kidding, you know.)

 

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Okra & Tomatoes

My “memories” of okra &  tomatoes from my childhood may or may not be actual memories. Instead, they may be artificial recollections created from conversations with family members about foods my mother cooked when I was a child. I think I recall my mother making okra & tomatoes, but I’m not sure those memories are real. Not that it matters.

Apparently, I grew up eating okra & tomatoes. I’ve liked the dish for as long as I can remember. I still do. In fact, I seem to be enjoying it more with every opportunity to taste it. I was surprised, after searching my blog, that I had written only once about okra & tomatoes and, then, only in passing. The absence of posts about okra & tomatoes is a shameful oversight I am now trying to correct. You see, okra & tomatoes connects me to cultures for which I have no business connecting. I grew up in Texas. I spent four years in Illinois. I spent just under a year in New York. I traveled extensively outside of Texas, but rarely to the deep south. I never got to India, though I thought about it more than occasionally. The absence of India and the deep south (of the USA) from memories of my youth should have blocked an almost unnatural attachment to okra & tomatoes. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why. Mind you, this explanation is not necessarily based in fact but in fancy. It could have some seeds of truth to it, but if so they are entirely accidental and have been soaked in creative juices to aid in germination. Well, that’s not entirely true, either. Seeds of truth about okra & tomatoes actually gave rise the creation of this explanation about the roots of okra & tomatoes and the reason there is not a natural explanation for my affinity for them. Got it? Let’s begin, anyway.

Okra is, depending on who you believe, indigenous to Ethiopia, Western Africa, or South Asia. I choose to believe the roots of okra originated in South Asia. As evidence, I point to all the Indian comestible dishes that include bhindi, the English version of the Hindi word for the plant we call okra. In my world view, the plant migrated to northern Africa, where it was renamed okra, thanks to various African languages. That name caught on with English-speaking people, including slave traders who exported human beings to the Caribbean and, later, the land that would become the deep south in the USA.  Remember, these “facts” flow from a fertile imagination, not from any defensible research. That having been said, the cultivation of okra in the deep south led to its consumption by the folks who were lucky enough to be introduced to the plant. Frankly, I cannot imagine why anyone would think the stuff is edible. It grows on thorny plants and looks and feels like it could be dangerous. That notwithstanding, someone decided to give it a try. And that was a wise decision. Soon (we don’t know how to measure “soon,” but it obviously it wasn’t appreciable a length of time greater than “before long”), eating okra became the rage in the southern USA. Simultaneously, or possibly before or after, people on the Indian subcontinent were eating okra, AKA bhindi. They might have been using different spices and different ingredients with which to pair the vegetable (vegetable pairings were just as popular whenever that was as wine and food pairings are today), but that didn’t really matter. They liked the food.

Now, among the pairings, both in India and along the African-Caribbean-US Coastal slave trading routes, tomatoes were quite popular. Okra and tomatoes, with or without exotic spices and such, became wildly popular in India and the Deep South, as I’ll henceforth call the American slavery belt. If I had grown up in either the Deep South or in India, my affinity for okra & tomatoes would make sense and could be easily explained as a cultural gustatory artifact of my upbringing. But, as I explained earlier, I was not reared in either place. Consequently, my enjoyment of the dish cannot be explained through my cultural connections.

Unless, of course, I was adopted from Indian or Southern parents at a relatively late age and memories of my early years were later erased. That might explain my limited recollection of my youth. I only thought I was born in Brownsville and grew up in Corpus Christi. In fact, I may one day discover, I was born either in the slums of Kolkata (AKA Calcutta) or in a waterfront shack near the mouth of the Mississippi. Kidnapped as an infant, I was taken to an orphanage in Matamoros, Tamaulipas. Mexico. There, the people I knew as my parents, unable to bring into the world by traditional means the sixth child they had always wanted (a body begins to wear out after five or more deliveries),  opted to adopt me and raise me as their own. Little did they know at the time that my cultural DNA, as well as my physical DNA, would predispose me to an almost unnatural attraction to okra and tomatoes. My mother, whose own southern ancestry ingrained in her an appreciation for okra, nurtured my enjoyment of the vegetable. My father, who may have had connections to senior level officials in the Kolkata shipyard though I doubt it, appreciated okra as well, though his passion was for the vegetable breaded and fried. I inherited that passion, as well, though I am just as passionate about okra and tomatoes, if not more so.

Regardless of my history, okra’s history, or my physical or cultural DNA, I have a fondness for okra and tomatoes that borders on devotion. I’ve learned that people who enjoy the flavor and texture of okra and tomatoes are an order of magnitude more intelligent than the average riff-raff roaming the streets and alleys and long, lonely highways of this planet. I’ve learned, too, that they are better looking than their non-okra-and-tomatoes-loving counterparts. Moreover, okra & tomato aficionados tend to live longer and their cars get better gas mileage. And it is not well known that okra’s healing powers, contained in the vegetable’s gelatinous goo some find so offensive, are so extraordinary that people who eat sufficient amounts can actually regrow lost or forgotten limbs.

Take, for instance, little Tory Brian Jones. The last time I saw little Tory Brian, he was about four feet tall. His mother, Melissa Brian Jones, called me the other day to chat. During our conversation, she said “You won’t recognize Tory Brian. He’s grown another foot since you last saw him.” Later, when she came over to visit and brought Tory Brian with her, I was stunned to see that he had, indeed, grown another foot that poked straight up out of the top of his head. I recommended to Melissa Brian that she ought to put a sock and a shoe on it so they wouldn’t have any trouble getting seated at upscale restaurants.  Admittedly, little Tory Brian was a strange child. He craved okra the way most children crave sugar. His mother often found him in Pappy Brian’s big okra garden tearing okra off the plants and eating it raw. His face, scratched raw from the tiny spines that cover the plant, would be covered with okra slime when she found him. Due to the plant’s healing powers, the scratches would disappear by the time she got the boy inside and washed his face. Actually, Melissa Brian used okra slime to heal her son’s chicken pox scars, too. The lesions from his chicken pox blisters covered little Tory Brian’s entire body and left deep, circular scars in his flesh from head to toe. Melissa Brian bathed the boy in okra slime. Miraculously, the next day the boy’s skin was as smooth as a new born baby’s. Melissa Brian, believing she had witnessed a miracle, ran to the church to tell her pastor. The pastor told her to keep the miracle a secret. Years later, after Pastor Nelson Brian Gobson was defrocked for falsely reporting miracles, a secret okra farm was discovered on property he owned in the heart of the Ozark Mountains. He had, it turned out, processed okra and stored its goo in enormous vats. When someone came to him seeking a healing miracle, he simply ladled up some okra goo and secretly slathered it over the person needing the healing, then claimed the redemption was a miracle resulting from his personal conversation with the almighty. We now know, of course, it wasn’t that at all. It was the okra. It’s almost magical.

Now this entire story may seem far-fetched, but I assure you it is as true as the day is tall. Some people might read this story and say to themselves, “The fella who wrote this story is crazy in the head and ought to be locked up for observation.” Fortunately, absurdist fantasy fiction is not a disorder as defined in the DSM-5 (that’s the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition, promulgated by the American Psychiatric Association, for those unfamiliar with the lingo). So, I am free to roam the planet, unrestrained by unconventional wisdom about my mental state, as it were. I am not quite sure why I am writing absurdist fantasy fiction lately. Perhaps it is, indeed, a disorder that should be covered by the DSM-5. I’ll investigate and get back to you if I so choose. Until then, I think I’ll go boil a potato, inasmuch as it’s a shade after 6:30 and I have developed a powerful hunger. I’d like to have okra and tomatoes, but that’s what we had for lunch yesterday. You eat too much of that stuff, you grow another foot around your mid-section.

 

Posted in Absurdist Fantasy | 1 Comment

A Word Dies When Spoken for the Last Time

For some odd reason beyond my comprehension, the word “spill” inhabits a place in my brain that causes it to make regular appearances in my writing. Eighty-five of my 2,833 posts, around three percent, include the word. Compare that to sixty-six posts in which “damage” was used. But “emotion” appears in a whopping 298 posts, or more than eleven percent of my prolificacy (it’s actually a word). But back to the word that prompted this post: spill. I don’t recall ever thinking about the breadth and range of definitions the word commands. The definitions with which I am most familiar suggest a random or accidental discharge of liquids (oil, milk, blood) or other materials (bolts, grains of rice, flour) from a container. I use the word to suggest a discharge (e.g., words spilling from my fingers). And I’m familiar with informal uses (spilling the beans, spilling secrets). But how about the word used to identify stray and unnecessary or unwanted lights in a theatrical production, such as “spill lights?” And, when reminded, I know the meaning of spill as in “he took a spill and broke his leg.” The latter usage suggests falling or being thrown from a horse or vehicle (e.g., motorcycle). The results of unintended spills also are called spills, e.g., “she saw the spill on the floor and knew instantly the children had been playing in the kitchen.”

If I were of a mind to do the work, I probably could find information on the frequency of usage of the word “spill” over time, but I’m a slothful researcher today. Instead, I’ll simply speculate that usage of the word has declined over time. And I’ll offer my prognostication that its usage will continue to decline until, as some point in the future, the word will be spoken for the last time. That will mark the death of the word. To borrow and adjust a phrase: “A word dies when spoken for the last time.”

Wordplay is not my vocation but my avocation. But my definition of wordplay is not the same one you might find in the dictionary. Instead of (well, in addition to) clever or witty use of words, I define it to mean the pleasurable examination of words and their flexibility or lack thereof. I’ll expect that definition to find its way into Merriam-Webster at some point in the next century. Probably about the same time “spill” will be uttered for the last time. I suspect the last utterance of “spill” will take place in a kitchen in Laugharne, a town in Carmarthenshire, Wales. Dylan Thomas spent the last four years of his life there. He wrote the poem, ‘Over Sir John’s Hill,’ while he was there. Thomas died the year I was born, 1953. Of course this business about Dylan Thomas is neither here nor there with regard to the last utterance of “spill.”

A single woman, Amalie Hughs, will use the word when speaking of her betrothed. I predict her comment will go something like this: “I was to be married to Finley Jones in September, but he took a spill from his boat last Thursday and he drowned. I suppose the marriage will have to be postponed.” Amalie will not realize until a friend points it out that her marriage to Finley Jones will not be postponed but, instead, cancelled. One doesn’t marry a dead man, especially a dead man who fell from a boat and whose body was never recovered. That notwithstanding, Amalie will never again speak the word “spill,” nor will anyone else. The word will die the moment she speaks it. Unlike the death of a person, the death of a word is not marked with either celebration or solemnity. It simply occurs. It is not even known until years later, when an anthropological linguist or some such beast comes upon evidence of its existence. Only then will its demise be accorded appropriate recognition.

In an ideal world, I would be able to write more about Amalie Hughs and what happened after the unfortunate death of the man to whom she was to be married. I cannot write more about her at the moment, though, because I smell evidence drifting in from the kitchen that my wife is producing something I predict I will find extremely interesting, even more interesting than Amalie. I may examine Amalie in more depth when I am older. And I may explore Laugharne and Dylan Thomas to the extent that they retain my interest.

Some days I write. Other days I simply put words down in the hope they will turn into sentences and, eventually, into paragraphs.

Off to the kitchen!

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The Fundamental Goodness of Humankind

It didn’t take long yesterday for the friendship and generosity within the
“tribe” to which I attach myself to spill over into the wider world. I wrote that I had promised someone I would give him a ride to and from a medical procedure but that, as it happens, my surgery is to take place at the same time. I reached out to fellow writers to see if one of them might be able and willing to help. Almost immediately, I got a positive response. Millie will help by providing two-way transportation to the man I promised I would help. Millie’s response provides incontrovertible evidence that decency and goodness and kindness do, in fact, exist in humankind. She was immediately willing to help someone outside her own immediate sphere. I will repay her with a hug and the assurance that I will do the same for someone else who needs help when I can provide it.

This situation takes my mind down a path to explore what prompts us to either come to the aid of others in need or allow our circumstances to excuse us from that obligation. At what point is it “okay” (that is, permissible or excusable or understandable) to abandon the principle of altruism in favor of egoism? My decision, opting to move ahead with my scheduled surgery instead of fulfilling my promise to provide transportation for medical appointments for someone else, seems reasonable. But would it have been reasonable break my promise for another reason, say, that I had scheduled a breakfast with a friend during the same time frame? My response is that it may have been reasonable, but not excusable or decent. Context is important, I think. And the degree to which need versus want figures into the matter plays an important part. I might want to have breakfast with my friend, but that want is not as important as someone’s need to get to a medical appointment. As I’m thinking of it, need probably outweighs want in most cases. But, again, context matters.

Ultimately, coming to the aid of people who need help isn’t a mathematical problem in which the relative value of want and need are measured and incorporated into an equation that provides a factual answer. Altruism is not compatible with a discussion of cost-benefit ratios. Compassion and empathy matter as much as, and perhaps more than, context and the relative weight of need versus want. Any attempt at attaching pure logic to what is, at its heart, an emotional issue is evidence of the incompatibility between evidence and empathy. I suspect I could make valid arguments against attaching greater value to the needs of other people than to my own needs, again depending on context. But I suspect, as well, that those arguments would seem cold and heartless and inhuman.

Long ago, in sociology and psychology classes and subsequently in readings on the subjects, I learned that altruism may be a selfish behavior. That is, acts of altruism may be undertaken as much for the way they make the actor feel as for the way they make the recipient of the acts feel. I think that’s a cynical way of looking at the world, though I don’t doubt there’s some truth in it. Maybe I see truth in it because I’m cynical. But I think altruism in general springs from compassion and caring and human decency. If acts of altruism make the person engaged in those acts feel better, who am I to judge? And, more importantly, why would I care? Must good deeds be undertaken only if they do not make the doer feel better? I think my mind is going through another rabbit warren from which there is no escape. I better turn around.

I want, desperately, to believe in the fundamental goodness of humankind. Little acts, like Millie agreeing to interrupt her day by getting up at an ungodly hour to take someone she knows, but only in passing, to a medical appointment, helps me believe it.

Posted in Compassion, Empathy | Leave a comment

Fictional Writing

Wherein the writer attempts, unsuccessfully, to return to writing fiction vignettes, producing swill and incoherent drivel instead.

Coleman Daniel Sprague was the first person convicted under the new thought-crime statutes. The charges against him were extensive. The first count with which he was charged alleged that he imagined sex acts with a woman who had not authorized such daydreams. The second count alleged he thought about thrusting a knife into the heart of Danny Tobler, the abusive husband of the woman connected with the first count. The third count was the most serious, alleging that he fantasized about assassinating the Co-Presidents of the United States, Mimi Huckabee and Robert Jeffress. Multiple other less serious charges were leveled against Sprague, as well: pondering the possibilities of entering a bank and demanding all of its cash; and contemplative road rage, wherein he envisaged dropping a ten thousand pound statue of the Buddha onto a Mazda convertible whose driver cut him off and shot him the finger.

Sprague’s bad luck stemmed from his newspaper’s exposé of the police chief of Curmudgeon Falls. The embezzlement charges against Chief Benedict Bright eventually were dropped, thanks to the fact that the chief’s son was the best friend of the District Attorney. But Bright didn’t forgive Sprague the chief’s brush with prison. So when,  after the thought crime statutes were enacted and  a Federal grant to purchase thought-reading equipment became available, Bright went after it. And he instructed the six members of this police force to put the equipment to exclusive use.

“I want Sprague to pay for his newspaper’s attack on me,” Bright told his officers. “That means I want every errant thought to be recorded. If anything he thinks is even remotely illegal, I want him arrested and booked. Go after him without regard to whether a charge is completely valid. With enough charges, something’s bound to stick.”

Predictably, the ACLU raised holy hell when the statutes were enacted. But by that time, the ACLU’s influence had dwindled to next to nothing. Newly-minuted attorneys were no longer the idealistic crusaders Sprague remembered from his youth. Lawyers fresh from passing their bar exams had no interest in social justice. Their motivations were money and power. If they had to ruin the lives of people as they stepped over bodies on their climb to the top, so be it. The fact that the legal profession was exempted from the thought-crime statutes exacerbated the exodus from decency.

When the time came for Sprague to enter a plea, even his court-appointed attorney recommended he not fight the charges. “Look,” the wet-behind-the-ears semi-solicitor said, “they’ve got your every thought recorded on magnetic media. If you insist on fighting it, you’re not only going to embarrass yourself, you’ll embarrass me as your lawyer. If you have a decent bone in your body, you won’t ruin my chances for a lucrative legal career.” Sprague’s silent mental response to his new lawyer’s statement earned him yet another charge: “attorney annihilation ambition” or “lust for lawyer lynching.” The politicians and lawyers thought their vacuous alliterations were clever, yet more evidence that intelligence was no longer a requisite quality for snollygosters and ambulance chasers.

 

Posted in Fiction, Writing | Leave a comment

Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

Several weeks ago, I assured someone I would be happy to take him to doctor visits and other medical appointments when he needed me to do it. Last evening, I received an email from him, asking me to help him by giving him a ride (or rides) in connection with a medical appointment (a biopsy) scheduled for Monday, November 19.

That’s the day I have my cancer surgery scheduled. So I answered him that, as much as I wish I could accommodate him, I could not. And, immediately, I felt an overwhelming guilt that I had essentially promised this guy I would help him in his hour of need, only to refuse to live up to my commitment. Frankly, I don’t think I know anyone else who would fault me for saying I’ve got to tend to my own medical issues first. But I told him he could count on me. And, I guess, that was a lie. He could count on me “if it fit my schedule” might have been a more honest assertion. On one hand, I feel perfectly fine about opting to go forward with my surgery and ignoring his need. On the other, I feel like I didn’t follow through on a commitment. I followed up last night by asking him if he would like me to try to find someone else who could help. He responded that he would. So I’m trying to find someone to do it. I’m starting by asking other people I know he knows, people who share his appreciation of writing. And, perhaps, I’ll ask a few other folks who share our sphere. If they can’t help, I’ll expand the search to my neighbors in the “Nextdoor” community. There’s a service called “Village Scat” that I thought might be an option, but the transportation service only provides low-cost rides to and from appointments near the east and west HSV gates, so they won’t provide a ride to Hot Springs.

As I considered this fellow’s request, and the plight that led to it, it occurred to me that there exists a very small handful of people I would consider asking for the help he’s asking me to provide (which I offered without being asked, not thinking I might be unable to fulfill my commitment). It would be hard for me to ask for help from someone who’s not very close to me. I don’t know this fellow exceptionally well, but I suspect he may be of the same mindset. So, if I can’t help him or find someone to help, he may be in a pickle. I don’t know his financial situation. Perhaps he could easily afford a taxi. Or maybe he can’t. I’m not going to ask. I’ll just see what I can do to accommodate him. I believe one ought to be willing to seek an alternative way to meet one’s commitments if circumstances prevent fulfilling them as originally promised. And I rather like that about myself. Now, the trick is to see whether I can actually find an alternative.

Posted in Compassion, Empathy | Leave a comment

The Gravity of Justice

The way I got there is too convoluted to tell. Suffice it to say I made my way to a blog post that described the writer’s journey of being selected as a juror and then, just as the trial was about to start, excused when the defendant and the prosecutor agreed to a plea deal, the particulars are unknown.  At any rate, I read about the writer’s experience. And his experience made me think about how being selected to serve on a jury might make me feel.

Knowing me, at least to a degree, I know I would be extremely interested in the process. I know I would find the allegations and the refutations fascinating. I know I even the most mundane civil case would intrigue me. But a criminal trial would be even more riveting. The intricacies of the law and the ramifications to both parties of a verdict in favor of either party would capture my full attention. But, as I read about the writer’s experiences and thought about the consequences of a jury decision, either way, I realized how important it would be to me to ensure that my vote on the question of guilt or innocence  was right. I would not want to let a victim of a crime feel let down by the justice system. But I would not want an innocent person to pay for a crime he or she did not commit.

What really got me thinking about how crucial it is to “get it right” was my consideration of how finding a guilty person innocent would impact the life of the victim. He would not simply be let down. His reputation would be sullied. His friends and family might question he legitimacy of his claims. His employer might decide he doesn’t merit a raise or a promotion because…maybe he lied. And the victim might have good reason to fear a reprisal from the guilty party, who might want to “teach a lesson” to the accuser.

I can imagine turning that entire thought process around, too. If the accused was wrongly accused, yet it convicted, his life would be turned upside down. He would lose not only his freedom but his livelihood and trust and…on and on.

As I thought about the potential consequences to either party of a “bad” verdict, the weight of jurors’ responsibilities became far clearer to me. What had until just this afternoon been an abstract matter, a simple element of curiosity, evolved into something far more solemn than it had been before. Even a trial in which the life of a defendant is not on the line, the lives of everyone involved are, indeed, on the line. I would hope attorneys for the defense and prosecutors, as well, would feel the same sense that their roles are not simply jobs but are commitments to justice.

I’m sure it is easy to become jaded about justice, or its absence. But it is too important to allow indifference to ruin lives. I am not sure how I would perform as a juror. I’ve never been selected to serve on a jury. But, after deeply pondering the concept of justice this afternoon, I think I might approach the responsibility with the gravity it deserves.

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That Miserable Thought

I euthanized that miserable thought, that idea that reeked of the stench of rancid self-indulgence. I ran a spear through its heart and I severed its head. After a day, I threw the rotting corpse of that thought into a vat of caustic. The caustic was so incensed with the presence of the dead thought that it convulsively spewed a vaporous mist that melted the streams of air that carried it. The odor of melted air is so pungent that acrid tears form in the eyes and stream down the face in abrasive rivers, eroding canyons in the skin.

Posted in Writing | 2 Comments

Spontaneity

Spontaneity matters to me. Spontaneity is real. It mines desires and motivations and wishes from the substance of day-to-day life and turns that raw ore into experience. Friends who can adapt to spontaneity and who become part of it are the sorts of people I love and embrace and appreciate deeply. Yesterday morning (actually, this morning, as I’m writing this on Friday evening, to be posted Saturday morning), my wife agreed to my sudden surprise request that we take an utterly unplanned day trip. And, then, we invited friends who live two and a half hours away to meet us “halfway” for lunch as part of the surprise. They agreed. Even though they had the longer drive, they agreed. We met at a Mexican restaurant in Dardanelle and spent a couple of hours eating and talking and enjoying the company of friends. And then we went on our respective ways home.

We (our friends and all of us humans) ought to do that sort of thing more often. We should treat ourselves to surprises. We should be spontaneous. We should ignore the fact that spontaneity distracts us from schedules and does damage to our neat calendars and drags us away from boredom or routine or rote behavior. Instead, I say we should celebrate opportunities to break free of methodical treks around the clock. I say “should,” because I like spontaneity. But I shouldn’t be prescriptive about it, in fact. Do it if it feels good. Don’t if it doesn’t. Some people don’t like spontaneity. They find deviation from routine upsetting. But I find it uplifting. I find spur of the moment road trips exciting. I enjoy breaking out of routine and doing something unusual. Perhaps my reason for jumping on the idea today was the slim but real possibility that I either won’t recover from my upcoming surgery or I’ll come out of it with disabilities that I never realistically contemplated going in. Given that unlikely possibility, maybe I ought to break out of routine while I can.

I can think of many other things I might want to do, “just in case.” But many of them would be problematic, especially if the operation and recovery go according to plan. Obviously, I can’t go into those here. I can only say that one of the possibilities could land me in prison or worse. So, there’s a limit to the attraction of spontaneity. Unless the prognosis is dire and imminent. That sort of diagnosis could lead to an outbreak of human decency in high places. 😉

Back to spontaneity. Unexpected diversions tend to launch smiles and hugs and kisses. They tend to polish the edges of otherwise mundane moments and make them sparkle with reflective gems of happiness. Spontaneity produces giddiness.

I’m writing this, as I said, on Friday evening. I will schedule it to post sometime Saturday. Oh, the irony of scheduling a post on spontaneity!

I may write something on Saturday morning that will post before or after this. We’ll see how this compares to something written after a night’s sleep or sleeplessness. Maybe I’ll be spontaneous.

 

Posted in Philosophy | 1 Comment

Tells Stories and Believes Them

About four years ago, I wrote a very brief post that began, “Tells stories and believes them.” The quote was my memory (which I believe is correct) of a statement in a psychological inventory’s assessment of my personality. I didn’t recall then whether the quote was my “normal” behavior or my “behavior under stress,” but I’m pretty sure it described behavior under stress. I wonder whether my tendency to write and tell stories might be rooted in whatever that instrument’s measure triggered that statement? Could be. Though I don’t have full faith in the measure. But there was something to it. Maybe more than I was willing to accept at the time the report was made, when I was about 25 years old.

I think we tell stories about ourselves in many ways. One of the ways I believe I tell stories about myself is through the subjects I select to write about. My problem, of course, is that I don’t necessarily understand the plot line nor the message the story intends to convey. One such theme in my writing, whether fiction or journal or essay or what have you, touches on asceticism. Out of curiosity, I searched my blog for the word “ascetic” and got eleven hits. A quick scan of those posts confirmed that I have long been attracted to learning what asceticism might teach me. My repeated attempts at “doing without” something that’s normally part of my life speaks to that interest. And recollections of conversations with a college friend about trekking across India recall my interest in asceticism way, way back. I’ve written about cutting back my consumption (of food and luxuries, for example) many times. I’ve asked myself how my appreciation of the world in which I live might be radically different if luxuries I’ve come to consider necessities were truly hard to come by.

Something draws me to “doing without.” It’s as if refusing to allow myself luxuries might help me find a core within me that will reveal a secret I can’t get at otherwise. Perhaps it’s a sense that living simply would allow me to define myself apart from what I have and, instead, reveal the person beneath. Beneath the homeowner and automobile owner and electric utility customer and bank account holder and casual purchaser of things I think I want but know I don’t really need. But one cannot simply and suddenly shed one’s comfortable skin and live as an ascetic. People have wives and husbands and children and parents and siblings and friends and employers and so many others to consider. Society has bound us together to make it virtually impossible to explore what we can, really, do without. We can’t drag our families and social networks through the desert as we attempt to determine whether we can survive without shelter in the heat of summer.

Some people, though, willingly do live ascetic lives. Many of them do it for religious reasons. But some do it, I think, to get to know the person who resides inside their brain and brawn. I think they do it to test the limits of their ability to interact with the earth in a way that allows them, in a very real sense, to leave only footprints. On the other hand, many more people live not as ascetics but as impoverished victims because they seem to have no other choices. It may seem cold and hard to say this, but I wonder if many of those people could live better lives if they lived as our common ancestors did hundreds or thousands of years ago—forced to either scrape a life out of the earth through hard work and determination—or die trying. But, perhaps, that’s exactly what’s happening. They’re dying while trying to make lives from an unfriendly earth.

Like every other thought I have, I bounce between certainty and doubt and I argue against myself by calling attention to my own hypocrisy. I sit at my desk, warmed by electric heat and comfortable at my computer with a cup of coffee at hand, writing about asceticism. I long to know what and who I am at my core, yet if the opportunity presented itself, would I choose to live in a cave and find or catch my own food or starve?  Just moments ago, I thought “wouldn’t it be nice if I had a very small microwave so I could warm my coffee that I let cool as I was typing?” How can I—can anyone—speak or write about asceticism or poverty or living in harmony with the earth with any integrity unless they have experience with both luxury and crying need? I suspect it can’t be done, at least not believably.

Yet I keep coming back to it. The question seems to be, “if I strip away the soft flesh of a life of ease, would there be a worthy skeleton beneath?” Maybe that’s too dramatic. Maybe I’m not looking for worth but for reality. Would that skeleton comprise human bones or would it be composed of artificial fibers and flakes of plastic and stainless steel rods? I don’t know what it is. I know only that there’s a secret someone hidden beneath us all. And maybe I believe my stories because they are true. Perhaps my return to questions of “doing without” is simply a way to tell a story of who I think I want to be without knowing who I am. Riddles. Just riddles. There are no answers to questions asked of themselves.

Posted in Frustration, Materialism, Philosophy | Leave a comment

Senses and Sensibilities Sans Sanity

I wrote two other posts this morning before I got to this one. And I wrote three others last night before I saved them, expecting to return to them this morning and fix them. Instead, I discarded last night’s writing. And the future of this morning’s two earlier attempts at capturing my thoughts is in question. So I’m trying again, in the hope that I will be able to record thoughts I might one day want to recall or examine or otherwise use in some way.

I wrote about seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and touching. I tried to express my sense of wonder at each of them. I tried to articulate in some way the profound ways in which each of them brings joy to my life. But I simply couldn’t do it. Every one of my five senses is, by itself, overwhelming in its capacity to bring me contentment, pleasure, joy. Happiness. Woven together, the senses allow me to make sense of life. They make life itself an experience of joy. Granted, they can do just the opposite. But if I train myself to focus on accentuating the pleasurable forms of sensation and to minimize their painful twins, I can train myself to experience joy. Frankly, that sounds like so much “power of positive thinking” nonsense. But in spite of its birth as a Pollyanna concept, I think it’s true. Much is said about going into my surgery with a positive attitude. That’s not just an admonition to have a “stiff upper lip,” it’s a recommendation made seriously because one’s body tends to respond favorably to positivity and unfavorably to negativity. I didn’t intend for this post to drift back into the throes of my confrontation with cancer, but it just did. Sorry. John, get over it.

I’m listening to an album on Spotify entitled, “Mozart: Eine Kleine Nachtmusik Etc.” The piece that just finished, Pachelbel: Canon and Gigue in D Major, P. 37-1. Canon, was followed by Mozart’s 3 German Dances K605 and then a Bach orchestral suite.  Even fast-paced, joyful pieces are moving. They call upon the eyes to leak in appreciation. Exquisite visual art sometimes does that, too. I can look at some spectacular artwork by famed artists and be left unmoved; but some pieces can evoke emotions that seem to come from nowhere. It’s as if certain aspects of arts (and music) trigger responses that may have nothing whatsoever to do with appearance or sound; they just provoke responses.

The mechanical aspects of writing and playing music are beyond me, as are the mechanical aspects of creating visual art that reflects what my brain wants my hands to do. But I think there’s music and art in my brain that, if I could transplant my brain into the body of a talented artist, could be extraordinary. Of course that’s madness, because it’s the combination of creativity and technical skills and talents that lead to great art and music. If you’re missing one or the other set of requisite components, you don’t have what it takes to be an artist or musician. But you can still appreciate the works of people who do. And you can wish that, suddenly in a magical moment, you’d acquire the technical skills to bring the creative ideas in your head to life. Not gonna happen, sport. Get over your fantasies.

My creativity with words escaped me last night and hasn’t returned this morning. Instead of deleting this post and starting again or saving it with an eye toward later improving how I say what I want to say, I’m just going to post this and start something different another time. I’d hate to waste all these hundreds or thousands of keystrokes. Maybe they’re wasted anyway. But they’re now memorialized on the internet.

 

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Bowing to the Trees

There was a chill in the air this morning, with the temperature hovering around fifty degrees. A thin overcast and a brisk wind made it feel cooler. Billowing flurries of orange and brown and yellow leaves fell from trees in sheets as the wind gusts caught them. The air flow sent them away in torrents as if they were fleeing in terror from some invisible predator.

Perhaps they were. Perhaps we humans are arrogant in our belief that we understand “lower life forms.” Trees may have perceptual abilities equivalent to those processed by our brains and our nervous systems, only much more advanced. They may possess an understanding of the universe far deeper than humans can ever hope to achieve. We, it may turn out, are the deviant lethargic learners, the users of antediluvian nervous systems so primitive that trees and bushes and shrubs and even grasses find us humorous in our plodding ineptitude. We may be pawns, used merely for the entertainment of the denizens of forests and prairies and submarine life forms and other such creatures we consider lesser beings. We, not our dogs and cats, are the pets. We have been trained to feed them and breed them. We are servants, tricked into believing we are masters.

Plants and animals watch us in bemused detachment as we disassemble the planet we think we’ve conquered. We scramble to stop our own self-destructive behavior, occasionally thinking that we’re also destroying the planet for other creatures. We don’t realize we’re simply undoing the place suitable for ourselves. Other plants and animals understand they can and will regenerate this place they call home once we’re gone. Their only concern is where they will find their next pets and servants.

There’s “talk” among the other species about whether pine forests and tallgrass prairies should rise up against us. Most of the colonies of ants and the libraries of lichens argue against it, saying humans as entertainment demand they be kept as pets, if for no other reason. But, during a recent interspecies thinkalong, an exaltation of larks and a pride of lions spoke in favor extinction. Various kingdoms and phyla took positions simply for the enjoyment of argumentation. All of this right under our noses, as it were.

As I look out the window, I wonder if individual leaves on the trees outside can sense my presence in some manner and can, in fact, catalog my thoughts in the trunks of the trees on which they hang. Yes, I believe they can. If we were sufficiently advanced, we would be able to examine tree rings in a way that would reveal every experience the tree ever had. We could actually relive years past as if looking at a videotape of captured images. But there would be much more. The tree rings would have captured temperatures and tastes and relative humidity, along with light levels and the presence or absence of pollen and dust in the air. Oh, if we were as smart as trees, we would view the world from a different vantage point. And we would bow to the trees the way we ask nature to bow to our demands.

I learned all of these possibilities by watching the trees out my window this morning. It’s amazing what can flood into it when you open your mind to possibilities.

Posted in Imagination | 1 Comment

It Usually Turns Out Fine

Last night, after writing my post subsequent to visiting with the surgeon, I did additional research on Stage IIB lung cancer survival without treatment. The average, I found, was seven months from diagnosis to death. That’s considerably less than I expected. Seven months after my diagnosis would fall around June 3, 2019.

I looked at my calendar for that date and found a reminder that our passports are set to expire six months later. And Janine’s regular “Dancing Divas” line dancing practice and her normal Monday afternoon Mexican train and dominoes gatherings are on the calendar for that day, too. Looking at the calendar from the perspective that my life might end around that date, without treatment, offers a powerful incentive to go forward with surgery. Regardless of whether I have surgery, the prospects ahead do not look especially bright. Even after successful surgery, I’d have rounds of chemotherapy that would last at least until early April. My already less-than-stellar lung function/capacity would be adversely affected by the surgery. The possibility exists that the middle lobe might have to be removed, in addition to the lower lobe where the tumor is located. In that case, my lung function would be reduced even further. The surgeon said his rough calculations suggested that, if he had to remove two lobes, I’d be at the borderline of needing to walk around with an oxygen tank. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t. He doesn’t think so, but can’t rule it out. Just so I’ll know.

Other online resources suggest I should have a second opinion. They say the doctors expect their patients to secure second opinions. And they say second opinions are wise because no doctor can know all the most recent advances in treatment of the various stages of lung cancer. On the other hand, my surgeon is telling me I need to act fast to avoid the risk that the tumor might spread to other organs or into the lymph nodes, if it hasn’t already. There’s no assurance that it hasn’t. He said yesterday he’s rarely seen a tumor so large that has not involved the lymph nodes; it’s possible, he said, that the PET scan simply didn’t pick up the microscopic evidence of that involvement. That’s why they recommend chemotherapy for tumors larger than 4 cm. I’ve decided a second opinion would add too much time to the process. A short while ago, I send him an email, asking if he could still fit me in on November 19. It didn’t take him long to respond. We’re on. He has an early surgical commitment that day, but slicing into me at a reasonably early hour is now on his schedule. Success! I’ll have at least the smallest, lowest, lobe of my right lung removed that day. If things go awry, he might have to take out more. I know the risks. I’ve signed on to them.

The inevitability of death is harder to face when one considers its arrival may be months away instead of being measured in years or decades.  The difficulty is not contemplating one’s own experience or his own end but thinking about the people left behind who will have to deal with it. I can’t bring myself to think about what I would leave for my wife to do on her own if I were to die. But, then, I have to think about it. I have to do what I can to ensure that, as hard as it might be, she has the resources and support necessary to get through it. Not that I plan to die. I don’t. At least not in the immediate future or the foreseeable beyond.

I’m writing this, when I should be doing something else, because I want to capture my confusion and my dilemmas and how I’m torn while I deal with this crap. I’m not writing it for sympathy or as a call for help or anything like that. I’m writing it for me. I just want to be clear about that.

I doubt anyone will dissect my lung. Although I did agree to let them keep and use any excess samples. Blood, tissues, etc., etc. Happy to let them put them to good use in research. I just hope they don’t go overboard. You know. Harvest my heart and my stomach and my liver at the same time. I doubt they’d do that. They’re much too decent folks to do such scurrilous things.

I make out like I’m not scared about this stuff. I guess I am. I don’t want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to go to sleep and wake up unable to speak or breathe or think or move. But you have to put your faith in people sometime. The way people sometime put their faith in you. You have to accept that everything will turn out fine. And it usually does.

Posted in Cancer, Health | 4 Comments

Staging My Attitude

The only real question now is: when? Will I go forward as we decided this afternoon, with surgery next Wednesday, November 14? Or will I wait a bit? After learning of the preliminary staging assessment (Stage IIB),  the potential dangers (including damage to the recurrent laryngeal nerve, a nerve involved with the vocal chord and the voice and requiring oxygen to stay alive), and the 5-year survival statistics (56%), I considered whether the risk to my quality of life was worth taking. Maybe I should just live the time I have left without the potential of ruining my quality of life? It would be a bitch to undergo surgery, only to be damaged for the remainder of my life, which might not last long anyway. But unless I change my mind, I’ll opt to risk surgery. My odds of survival beyond five years might be far greater than the average, too. Those odds include all victims of the cancer who are at the same stage; that includes people who are in far worse health, otherwise, than I. So my odds may be greater.

Anyway, about the time; I’m inclined to wait, just so I can wrap up some loose ends. The surgeon can schedule it for November 19 or December 4. I’m leaning toward December 4. I have things to do beforehand. Decisions to make.

Regardless of what we decide, the diagnosis of lung cancer has upended our lives. We decided I should defer collecting Social Security until I reach 70, with the objective of maximizing my income when I start collecting it. That calculated risk may have been a poor one.

Election night two years ago was horrible. This one, too, is shaping up to be horrible, but not for the same reason. And although Democrats are making progress, the disease afflicting our country is just as insidious as the disease afflicting my lung.

I may feel different tomorrow. Tonight, I don’t feel particularly hopeful. My wife said she would support me in whatever decision I make (to have surgery or not), but that if I decide to have it, she wants me to go into it with a positive attitude. I agreed that I would make sure to approach it with a positive attitude if I have the surgery. I’m leaning toward having the surgery. I have a hell of a lot of work to do on my attitude.

 

Posted in Cancer, Health | 3 Comments

On with the Day

Late yesterday afternoon, I got a message from the Little Rock surgeon to whom my oncologist referred me. I have an appointment late this afternoon. Maybe I’ll know more then. I have plenty of questions for the surgeon.

How am I feeling about this process, this battle against a tumor in my chest that I didn’t know what there until the doctors told me? It’s hard to say. I’m still surprised by it.

My oncologist said my cough was unlikely to be directly caused by the tumor. She suggested that it’s possible the tumor caused tissue around it to become inflamed, which in turn might be responsible for the cough. But the tumor itself? Not directly involved in the cough. Yet the cough is the reason I went to the doctor and the reason he ordered a couple of x-rays and, then, a CT scan and a PET scan. The cough was a lucky accident. Without it, the tumor might have continued to grow and spread unnoticed. I’m grateful for the cough. I’m grateful the tumor was spotted.

I’m grateful but extremely apprehensive. After reading a number of posts written by people who have undergone surgery to remove sections of their lungs due to cancer, I’m looking at this process as an ugly, painful, lengthy battle. People who have been through it have written about excruciating pain that was not managed by opioid drugs. Some have written about the pain involved in having chest tubes that drain fluids from the chest. Others have written about the loneliness of days in the hospital with no visitors. I’m familiar with some of what they described. I had chest tubes after my heart bypass surgery fourteen years ago. I can imagine the loneliness of being in the hospital for days. My brother’s recent very long stay in the hospital in Houston must have seemed like an eternity to him, especially when he didn’t get visits. With good fortune, I won’t run into complications that will keep me in the hospital for weeks or months. That could drive me bananas. I hate feeling confined to the house during bad weather. At least I can roam from room to room. But that’s not the case in the hospital. Why am I dwelling on the prospects for pain and boredom?

I can’t let my cancer and my fears associated with it consume every waking thought. That’s simply not healthy. But it’s difficult not to connect even mundane household chores to the disease. I won’t be able to blow leaves, so Janine will have to arrange to have someone do it; she can’t do it herself. Housecleaning will suddenly become a much more onerous task, with the things I do suddenly falling on her to do. And she’ll feel compelled to visit me in the hospital, more than an hour away from home. Maybe I can convince her to get a room at an extended-stay hotel near the hospital for at least part of the time I’m there so she can avoid a daily round trip drive of 125 miles. And exploring Little Rock a bit while she’s not in the hospital might take her mind off my plight.

If I focus my attention on what my experience might teach me, perhaps I’ll snag some information and ideas to incorporate into my writing. I’ve been utterly neglecting my fiction-writing of late, inattention for which I will pay in a decline in the quality of my writing. Practice makes palatable, I’ve always said. I have to practice my writing to make it possible for someone to stomach it. I might learn about hospital gadgetry that could find its way into stories I write about murderous nurses or amorous anaesthetists.  See, there you go: The Amorous Anaesthetist could be the title of a book. Or a short story. Or a poem? Maybe a haiku. I suspect it would take considerable effort and a great deal of focused attention to write a haiku worthy of that title. I’ll have to find out if the UAMS hospital room in which I’ll be confined has WiFi. I’ll have to insist on it. No WiFi, no surgery. That simple. How can I write and post to this blog, this testament to my ego, without WiFi? It’s ludicrous to even think it!

Speaking of this blog, if I had been smart (and I wasn’t), I would have used johnswinburn.com as a home for several subsidiary URL blogs (e.g., johnswinburn.com/fictionblog, johnswinburn.com/poetryblog, johnswinburn.com/journalblog) so I could separate my writing in a way that would give it some semblance of order. I could have added a piece at johnswinburn.com/cancerblog. But as it is, the blog is an expansive piece of chaotic internet real estate with no discernible theme, rhyme, or reason; just a reservoir of unfiltered junk that pours from my fingers. I could, of course, invest time and energy to imposing some form of order to the beast, but my mood at the moment isn’t suitable that kind of endeavor. Instead, I’ll just complain about my lack of foresight.

I took a break to make a breakfast of sausage, eggs, radishes, and tomato juice. That finished off the sausage (a rarity in this house that, quite probably, won’t be replaced for many months) and the radishes (which I consider an emergency, so I will insist on replacing them immediately). It’s odd, I think, that I have grown so attached to radishes at breakfast. It’s an attachment few others in my sphere (or, perhaps no others in my sphere) share with me. In fact, I recall a visitor who recoiled at the idea, looking at me as if I had lost my mind and had become a dangerous deviant capable of unspeakable horrors.

I prefer strong and stoic to weak and weepy, but my psyche doesn’t always cooperate with my preferences. My psyche has a mind of its own. Groan. It’s after 8:00 and I need to be productive this morning before I drive to Little Rock to see the surgeon. So, I’ll leave this mass of spillage and get on with the day.

 

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I May Have Suffered from Autopathagnosiasis

One often hears about people who, after reading or hearing about symptoms of potentially fatal diseases, believe they exhibit such symptoms. One term for such people is hypochondriacs. But what about people who dismiss the suggestion that their diagnoses may be serious or who downplay the potential that their diseases might be extremely challenging or even fatal? I looked for the antonyms of hypochondriasis and hypochondriac and found no suitable word. So, based on neologisms I found during my quest for the word, I developed my own set of words: autopathagnosiasis and autopathagnosiac. An autopathagnosiac is one who is unable to—or refuses to—recognize the gravity of one’s own illness.

The reason I searched for this word that apparently does not exist is that I learned this morning that I had convinced myself that my lung cancer diagnosis, while serious, was not really all that bad. I convinced myself that the tumor was relatively small. I convinced myself that it was discovered early in the process of cancer development. I convinced myself that whatever surgery would be required would be relatively minor and quite possible minimally invasive. I convinced myself that I would be out of the hospital in just a few days, maybe less. I convinced myself that I probably would not need chemotherapy. I convinced myself that I would be back to “normal” before Christmas if I could get the surgery scheduled quickly. This stuff was wishful thinking. I allowed myself to interpret some of what I’d read online and some of what I heard my oncologist say earlier to mean my cancer was almost trivial. So insignificant that I should be embarrassed to suggest it was anything but a minor inconvenience.

My appointment with my oncologist cleared up those misapprehensions. She said chemotherapy is triggered in virtually every case in tumors greater than 4 cm in size; mine is 6.4 cm. I can expect chemotherapy to start four to eight weeks after surgery. Four rounds, three weeks apart. She said she thinks I am a candidate for surgery, but only a surgeon can make that determination; it’s possible there could be multiple reasons I would not be a good candidate. It’s important that I see a surgeon soon to see whether I am, indeed, a candidate. She said I am most certainly not a candidate for minimally invasive surgery. “They’ll have to open your chest. It’s major surgery, like open heart surgery. They need to get at your lung and they will remove a lobe.” Or words to that effect. The size of the tumor suggests it has been growing for at least a couple of years. “This isn’t something that started just a few months ago.” Again, words to that effect. And thinking I might be back to “normal” by Christmas is a delirious pipe dream. “I can’t predict how long it might take you, but you have to assume it will be six months to a year, depending on how well you respond to treatment and physical therapy.” Or words to that effect. My hospital stay will depend on how well I do, but “I would expect at least five days, maybe longer…this is major surgery.” Somewhere along the line she slipped in a suggestion that this sort of surgery isn’t always survivable, but usually is.

The next step is to schedule a consultation with the surgeon. If I don’t hear from him by Thursday, she asked me to call her to intervene on my behalf. Lots of tests and preparations are apt to be required before surgery. My oncologist scheduled my next visit with her for four weeks from now; “hopefully you will be finished with all that” (meaning surgery and the hospital stay) “by then.” I sort of doubt it.

I asked what if I just didn’t have surgery; no therapy. She didn’t answer directly, but suggested that it would be unlikely I would survive five years. “The cancer would metastasize and cause other problems in other organs.”

This rearrangement of my understanding of the situation has done some damage to my attitude, but it hasn’t wrecked it. Now, I am aware that the challenges are considerably more onerous than I thought, but I am confident I will meet them. I just will not meet them quite as easily as I had hoped.

 

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Promises Promises

Over the years I’ve repeatedly made promises to myself that I’ve broken. The earliest one I remember was the promise I would stop smoking. I first made that promise when I was in my early twenties. It took me thirty years to finally keep it. I’m paying now, with my lung cancer diagnosis, for my failure to live up to that promise I made to myself. The promise that I would stop smoking was one of dozens and dozens I’ve made and broken. Maybe hundreds. Maybe thousands. I promised myself innumerable time I would exercise regularly. I promised myself equally as often that I would eat less and better. I promised myself I would…

lose weight
become fluent in Spanish
learn enough Spanish to “get by”
learn enough French to “get by”
learn enough German to “get by”
be less judgmental
become more self-confident
quit drinking so much beer
quit drinking so much wine
quit drinking so much hard liquor
quit drinking
control my temper
be slow to lose my tempter
look for value in people who behave in ways of which I disapprove
get back into the habit of taking long walks every day
run a marathon
donate time and money to multiple charitable endeavors
walk from Dallas to Oklahoma City
go a month without [coffee, meat, social media…too many to list]
keep my promises to myself

I haven’t simply abandoned all my promises. In some cases I’ve made improvements. But I can’t remember many promises I’ve made to myself that I’ve actually kept in their entirety. I did stop smoking. But I stopped too late to prevent it from doing the damage it did. Maybe it would have been far worse had I not stopped when I did. That’s how I’ll try to frame it.

What kind of person breaks with such consistency the solemn promises he makes to himself ? If I had been in the habit of breaking such promises to other people, I think others would consider me unlikable, unreliable, and an inveterate liar. I couldn’t bear others thinking that of me. Why can I tolerate it of myself? Why can I look at my promises to myself and be okay with thinking, “You are an unlikable guy, an unreliable liar”? Well, I can’t say that to myself. Or I won’t. But I do wonder why I don’t. Why is it not acceptable to let other people down but it’s okay to let myself down? It doesn’t feel any better being disappointed in myself than being disappointed in other people.

Maybe I do let other people down. No, there’s not maybe about it. I do let other people down. But not with any regularity. And not dismissively, as if it’s no big deal. As I think about it, though, I don’t dismiss my broken promises to myself as unimportant. They’re not unimportant. They matter. I get angry with myself. Too often, I view a single misstep not as a setback but as an utter failure. That virtually assures that promises made will be promises broken. When the standard against which I measure myself is absolute perfection, I virtually assure absolute failure. I know this. I am aware of this. My problem is that I continue to use that same standard. And when I inevitably don’t measure up to perfection, I tend to just give up and admit failure. Promise made. Promise broken.

Okay. I’m not alone. Everyone makes promises to themselves that they can’t or don’t meet. Maybe everyone does it routinely.But I suspect they don’t stew over it for decades. Instead, they behave like rational human beings and address the issue head on.

I think I know the answer to my dilemma. “The first step in solving a problem is recognizing there is one.” I think I’ve got that down. The next step is to solve it. Perhaps the key is not to promise myself that I’ll do something. Instead, I’ll promise others I’ll do something (or stop something or change something). By making a promise to someone else, I’ll put considerably more pressure on myself to actually fulfill the promise. If I don’t fulfill the promise, I won’t just be letting myself down, I’ll be letting someone else down. And I can’t tolerate that. So there you go. Problem solved. Perhaps. We’ll see. Maybe Ill be speaking Spanish like a native-born Mexican in a year or two.

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Questions for the Oncologist

I have a lot of questions for my oncologist during my appointment tomorrow morning. I’ve written a list:

  • Please verify the details of my cancer as I understand them:
    • 6 cm tumor in my right lower lobe, right?
    • the biopsy confirmed non-small cell adenocarcinoma, the most common type of lung cancer, true?
  • Is the tumor closer to the front or the back of the lung?
  • What is my prognosis?
  • What could I expect if I had no treatment at all?
  • What does the size of my tumor (6 cm?) say about how long it has been growing?
  • What is the stage of my cancer?
  • Are there options other than surgery available? Why one over another?
  • Would surgeons go in from the front or the back of my chest?
  • Is a minimally invasive surgery possible for me? If so, what are pros and cons?
  • If I undergo surgery, how long am I likely to need to stay in hospital?
  • When can I expect to hear from UAMS?
  • When can I expect surgery to be scheduled?
  • Would I be better off going to MD Anderson in Houston for treatment? Why or why not?
  • Assuming the tumor is excised, how likely is it to develop again?
  • What about chemo or radiation? Necessary? Advisable? Pros & cons? Pre and/or post surgery?
  • How long has my tumor been growing? (More or less)
  • Is a vegetarian diet or vegan diet apt to have any impact on recovery and/or prognosis?
  • How long before I’m back to “normal” if, indeed, that is something I can expect?
  • What effect will removal of part of my lung have on my quality of life?
  • After treatment, how frequently will I need additional treatment/follow-up?
  • Can follow-up be in Hot Springs or must I go to LR? (Or Houston)
  • If I were to decide to take two years to “see the country” or “see the world” after treatment, what constraints would I have to contend with?
  • How frequently should I be tested, subsequent to “cure,” for new cancer?
  • What can I do to make the process of treatment and recovery easier on my wife?
  • What is the likelihood of recurrence, assuming all the cancer is removed by surgery and/or destroyed by other means?

Some of these questions may be irrelevant, depending on answers to others. And some may seem absurd. But I have reasons for all of them. I suspect I’ll have other questions and I may well decide not to ask some of the questions I have so far.

I remember, after my bypass surgery, I was out of commission for two or three weeks. That was fifteen years ago, so the same surgery today might require far less recovery time. I wonder whether today’s lung cancer surgery has advanced considerably in recent years? And I wonder what impact the surgery will have on me today, at 65 years of age, compared to the same type of surgery at fifty-one? I guess I should ask those questions, too. I suspect some of my questions for the oncologist will have to wait to be answered by the surgeon. I’m anxious to get this process on the fast track so it can be over.  For reasons I can’t quite understand, I really want this to be over and done by Thanksgiving. That’s just two weeks and four days from now. I may be disappointed.

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Thanksgiving Planning

I was daydreaming for a while this morning, thinking about what we might do for Thanksgiving this year. What kind of non-traditional but celebratory dinner might we prepare? But then it occurred to me that I might learn during tomorrow’s visit with my oncologist that I might not be able to enjoy Thanksgiving at home this year. I may be recovering from, or preparing for, surgery to remove a piece of my lung. That thought had the temporary effect of ruining my temporary rush of happiness at thinking about a special Thanksgiving dinner. But then I recaptured my train of thought and went about daydreaming.

Regardless of whether I’ve already had surgery or am recovering from it, I do not want the celebratory meal to include an animal’s lung. Not that I know of any dish prepared from an animal’s lung. I understand that haggis uses lungs, so haggis is off the menu this year. I gather the USDA advises against eating lungs, anyway. But, then, other types of offal are okay. I read somewhere that brains are illegal; I’m certain that’s not true or, if it is, it’s a recent restriction.

Perhaps a vegetarian meal would be appropriate. Aren’t plant-based foods supposed to be good for people with cancer? And, I suppose, for people who would rather not have cancer. I could construct a replica of a turkey using sweet potatoes and carrots. I’d probably have to do that before any surgery, though, as I suspect surgery might negatively impact my ability to stand up and shape vegetables to look like a cooked bird. I don’t really like the idea of turkey for Thanksgiving, though. Maybe I could create replicas of guinea pigs—cuyes, in Spanish—so we could pretend to be eating a Peruvian delicacy. Hell, maybe I could just order cuyes from a purveyor of specialty meats. I think I’ve written before about a specialty purveyor that sells all manner of exotic carcasses. I seem to be drifting away from vegetarian. Maybe I should return to the healthy alternative.

Now I’m drifting back into that “what if” territory that has the potential for taking my mood down a notch or two. I should stop writing and return to my now-cold coffee. And daydream about Thanksgiving dinner instead of write about it.

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Warning: You Will Be Bored if You Read This

My attempt to go back to sleep after I returned to bed shortly after 3:30 was an abject failure. I did close my eyes and attempt to empty my mind of clutter. Instead, I closed my eyes and filled my mind with useless trivia and unnecessary trips down dark alleys strewn with broken dreams dressed as simple mistakes. Yes, I know the sentence I wrote is incomprehensible to the reader. Unless the reader is me. Which, at the moment, is me. At any rate, I did not get back to sleep. I didn’t even get comfortable trying. No matter whether on my back or either side, the attempted sleeping position was uncomfortable. Perhaps I spent too much energy paying attention to my physical discomfort and not enough clearing the weeds in my head.

The inability to sleep is not common with me, but neither is it especially rare. It just happens from time to time. There was a time not too many years ago that I would have gotten up and driven out to an all-night breakfast place, leaving a note for my wife about where I had gone. But on most of those rare occasions, my wife would have had the same experience and we might have gone out together. That’s no longer the case. She hasn’t wanted to go seeking a 3:00 a.m. breakfast in many years. The last time I remember such an adventure, we lived in Dallas and got up to have breakfast at either Waffle House or J’s Breakfast and Burgers. I preferred the latter, as it was truly a local dive, not an institutional, corporate dive.

All this talk of breakfast triggers thoughts about my “Breakfast Around the World” book, one of hundreds of books I’ve never finished writing. I’ve compiled recipes and written narratives about breakfast traditions in many countries, but haven’t finished the research nor efficiently organized the materials I’ve collected. I really should do that. I should finish something. Anything. You know, instead of writing bullshit posts in my blog that contribute absolutely nothing to the world in which we live. A book about breakfast around the world could be meaningful. It could highlight both the similarities and the differences between countries and cultures. It could call attention to the massive disparities that exist between resources available in rich countries versus poor countries. It could, perhaps, spark interest in learning just a bit more about different cultures. And it might help some people develop at least a modest understanding of how all people have much more in common than we think. Yeah, right.

“In a surprise turn of events, a book about breakfast caused peace to break out globally, as people of all cultures embraced one another, sang songs of togetherness and brotherhood, and broke break in an enormous love-fest. Details at ten.”

I talk about combining all my disparate writing into a collection of some sort, stitched together with a common theme (the substance and character of which remain mysterious). But that’s it. Talk. Or, rather, write. I write about doing it. I write about writing. I write about publishing. I think about it. And I do nothing. Damn me! Damn my laziness! Damn my propensity to lose interest so quickly in almost everything that intrigues me for a time. I don’t lose interest. That’s incorrect. I misplace it. I leave it with my keys and my billfold. I sometimes find that it’s hidden under my smart-phone that I inadvertently left in the car. Or it’s buried under a pile of papers that once held my interest and now simply clutter my desk the way their contents clutter my mind.

I’m losing interest in projects for which I’ve either volunteered or to which I was recruited and couldn’t say “no.” At the moment, I don’t care about the Hot Springs Village 50 year history and the book about that history that I was recruited to help write. I don’t care about long range planning. I don’t much care even about the church newsletter that I’ve felt rather good about since I started on it a year ago. And my lack of attachment to these projects isn’t related in any way to my medical challenges. I’ve just burned out on them, I think. Even though I’ve invested almost no time nor energy in some of them, I’m just no longer interested. But I committed to doing them. So I’m stuck between freeing myself of the responsibilities (and therefore feeling guilty and letting people down) and fulfilling my commitments (and resenting them for taking my time and robbing me of opportunities to do things that matter more to me). In fact, though, if I were to extricate myself from my responsibilities, I wouldn’t suddenly find myself enmeshed in things I desperately want to do. Instead, I’d dabble for a while in things that pique my interest and then leave them behind when I no longer find them exciting or interesting. I know me. I know how I am. No matter that I don’t want to be that guy, he is who I am. Unremarkable. I remember reading a surgeon’s comments after he performed an operation during which he removed a rather lengthy stretch of my intestines. He described the diseased bowel that he had removed and then he noted that otherwise “the patient was unremarkable.” Although I knew what it meant in the context of the report, I laughed at the thought that the guy wrote that I was blasé.

Lest anyone who might stumble upon this schizophrenic post think I’m feeling inadequate and unlovable (because that’s how I might read it if I stumbled upon it), that’s not how I feel. Rather, I’m feeling angry for allowing myself to trip over my faults instead of taking action to correct them. I’m not inherently inept. In fact, I think I’m pretty damn “ept.” Seriously, I’m a reasonably intelligent, competent person. I’m just angry at allowing myself to fritter away my intellect and my competencies. I have the capacity to examine my life (or any part thereof), analyze it critically, and take action to adjust the way I live it, with the objective of changing it for the better. Having the capacity and taking the action are different. Kicking myself in the butt is in order. And that’s what I must do if I truly want to emerge from this mood. And I will. I always do. I get in these moods and I bitch and moan for a while but, eventually, I spring out of it. I’m just pissed off that I don’t do it faster. I could. I could if I invested the mental energy. And perhaps I will.

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Up in the Middle of the Night

It’s just after 3:00 a.m. and I can’t bring myself to write what’s on my mind because I’m not quite sure I know. I woke from a bizarre, troubling nightmare. Rather than attempt to go back to sleep, I got up. That probably was a mistake. I may be up for the duration, but if I can’t figure out what to write, I might try sleep, instead. I’ve deleted a dozen paragraphs, each one the start of a post that paints me as weaker and less confident than I believe myself to be. At least I’ve deleted them instead of carrying them forward because, “you know, I’ve gone to the trouble of writing them, so I might as well.” No, when what I write is swill I will discard it the way one discards swill. Unceremoniously and without regret. At least that’s the way I think one discards swill. I’ve never actually known precisely what swill was, though I’ve called some foods and beverages swill and have treated them accordingly.

Well, my attempt at humor isn’t working, so maybe I’ll try something else. I spent a few minutes reading several Facebook posts made by a woman I may have met in person once or twice. Her several posts dealt with a recent exploratory surgery to determine whether some problem she has been having (I’m not quite clear just how the problem presented itself) was cancer. The surgery couldn’t confirm it, one way or the other. So, she’s scheduled for further surgery soon to excise whatever it is that may be cancer. Her posts suggest she had dealt with cancer on multiple occasions. And she is asking for prayers.  She’s obviously frightened, deeply afraid, of what the future might hold for her. I wrote that I wish her well and hope the doctors can remove any traces of cancer so she can go on with her life. She may not even remember who I am. Or she might. I feel compassion and empathy for her as I would for anyone in her shoes. But… But, what? I don’t know. I wonder whether talking about one’s prospective diagnosis of cancer is somehow off-putting? That could be it. It could be viewed as a desperate attempt for pity. Or something like it. I don’t know. So maybe now I’ll retract what I’ve told people about my diagnosis. “It was all a misunderstanding. It’s actually a ping-pong ball I inhaled during an especially violent game of table tennis.” My attempt to have humor rescue me from whatever it was the preceded it. Fell flat again.

Tomorrow morning I go to the church to help with the Autumn clean-up/spruce-up, followed by a couple of hours of long range planning committee work. And those who know of my recent medical issues will want to know what more I know. I think I’ll lie and tell them I know nothing more. Still waiting for results. Because I think people prefer uncertainty over an unpleasant certainty. Even when the unpleasant certainty probably is not the bad situation it could have been had I let the cough go unchecked for another four or five months.

A few friends have expressed interest in NaNoWriMo. I would like to have written a novel. I just don’t want to do the work to have written it. Not this month, anyway. I can’t even write a blog post that satisfies me or that begins to capture what’s on my mind. So I’ll try sleep again. It’s only just after 3:30 and I don’t have to be at church until 8:30. So, maybe up to four more hours available for sleep. But I’m almost always up by 6 or 6:30, so not likely four more hours. But at least a little more, maybe?

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A Nice Lunch and a Confirmation of Lung Cancer

My wife and I drove to Little Rock today with some friends—Paul and his sister, Rose—for lunch at a place Paul mentioned to us last time we were together. It’s called Sauce(d), a new wood-fired pizza restaurant whose interior design is chic modern. Lots of bare wood, industrial metal, and black paint. The bar is huge and well-stocked. The selection of pizza is wonderful. The draft beer selections and wines on tap are inviting. Before lunch, we wandered the nearby Indian grocery (one of my favorite places to spend time in Little Rock). Just after eleven, we entered Sauce(d) and enjoyed an excellent meal. Paul and Rose shared a Quattro Stagioni, with San Marzano tomato, mozzarella, mushroom, olive, prosciutto, artichoke, and fresh basil. Janine ordered the same. I ordered the Some Like It Hot, with soppressatta, habanero honey, bacon marmelade, mozzarella, and basil. We also ordered a Some Like It Hot to go for Janine’s sister, Carol. After lunch, we stopped in to Colonial Liquor to have a look see. I did not buy a single malt Scotch, despite wanting to have done. Instead, I replenished our supply of Gilbey’s Gin. Because it needed replenishment. And then we drove home, taking the long way down a relatively deserted couple of highways, rather than jumping back on the freeway. It was a leisurely drive home. Once we dropped Paul and Rose at their respective houses, we stopped to get gas and to buy some gumbo from the Shell station that promotes gumbo as its Friday special. I’ve wanted to do that for quite some time. My wife knew this. She suggested we stop. She is wonderful and treats me better than I deserve.

Once home, we put a few things away and headed to Carol’s to deliver her pizza. Carol invited us in and offered us a glass of wine. We gratefully accepted. The three of us went and sat on her back deck to sip wine and chat. And then my phone rang. The caller ID said it was my oncologist. I answered the phone. And it was, indeed, my oncologist. Not her staff confirming my Monday appointment. It was my doctor. She asked if I was near her office. If so, she wondered if I would like to come in and talk with her, as she had information about my biopsy that she would like to share. I told her I was in Hot Springs Village, which is a good 35-40 minutes from her office. She said she thought it best to contact me as soon as she had information to share. She asked if I’d like to talk over the telephone, then, or wait until our Monday appointment. I wanted to talk then. Over the phone was fine. So she explained what she knew.

Just as she had expected, the biopsy confirmed that the tumor is malignant. The biopsy confirmed that I have adenocarcinoma, a non-small-cell lung cancer. She had already spoken to a cardiothoracic surgeon who would be calling me to arrange an appointment. That’s why she wanted to talk today; she wanted to speak to me before I got a call to arrange the appointment. She said she believes it is feasible to remove the cancer surgically. She recommends that I have it done at UAMS in Little Rock. The surgeon who would do it, she said (though I don’t have a name) specializes in removing lung tumors. “Not pancreas, not heart, not liver, not stomach, only the lung.”

I didn’t have the presence of mind to ask what stage, if they have determined it yet, nor when my surgery might be done, nor any of the thousands of other questions I’m sure to have. But I did ask if I could keep my Monday morning appointment with her. “Of course.”

Thus far, I’ve kept my emotions well in check. But I feel them battling to overwhelm me. Even though I believe, intellectually and emotionally, that we caught this early enough that it will be defeated, probably relatively easily, it’s more difficult than I expected. It is not as easy to deal with the actual diagnosis as I thought it would be. After having read what I’ve read, I was prepared for the diagnosis. I suspected it would be as previously advertised: it’s probably cancer. I suspect it’s at an early stage. I suspect that, given it’s early, it will involve a straightforward treatment. It won’t be horrendous. It will be annoying, but not horrendous. But none of the rational stuff seems to matter at this moment. I’m having to force myself to maintain my composure. I do not want my wife to watch me turn into a puddle over a diagnosis that is far less onerous than the one with which she dealt fifteen years ago. So I shall not. I shall, instead, write my emotions as if I were having them and not show them.

As strange as it seems, part of my upset is not the cancer so much as it is the inconvenience it will involve. Trips to Little Rock (where, I’m sure, the surgery will be done), frequent visits to the doctor (wherever those visits take place), insurance, out-of-pocket expenses, etc. etc. I should be more concerned about the treatment and the outcome than the inconvenience it will pose. What’s wrong with my thinking here?

I’m writing this almost in real time as I’m thinking about this stuff. I probably shouldn’t. I should wait and process it. But on the other hand I kind of wanted to document how I felt. But I’m not sure whether I really wanted that or not. What the hell. I’m writing and I’m posting. I guess that’s the way my mind works.

 

 

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Maggie’s Birthday Story as Told by the Son Barack Obama Didn’t Know He Had

Around two months ago, a post I wrote focused almost exclusively on a woman I dated once while I was a young, inexperienced kid. I have only a slightly greater reason to write about her today than I did two months ago.  Yesterday, you see, was Maggie’s birthday. So, I sent her my annual birthday message. I wished her well, said I hope she either has already or soon will be able to retire. And I otherwise dabbled in niceties. That’s what one does, I suppose, when one writes to someone one once dated when one and the other were both essentially children and when one hasn’t seen or spoken to the someone in forty years or more. How’s that for a difficult to follow sentence? It’s difficult for a reason. It’s hard to understand the sentence without taking it slowly and breaking it into pieces. The same is true of my periodic contact with Maggie. I checked my messages and discovered that, yes, it was exactly a year ago (I dropped the ball and missed her birthday by a day last year) that I last sent her a message. And she responded eleven days later, on November 13. My guess is that she finds it strange that I send her periodic messages. She may even consider me a strange, slow-motion stalker. Perhaps I should stop wishing her happy birthday. If she doesn’t respond this year, or if her response isn’t obviously and genuinely positive, I shall do that. I have no interest in frightening someone with my odd annual ritual. Now, about understanding the difficult-to-follow reason I have been writing to Maggie once a year for a few years. I don’t know. It’s that simple. I tend to get a person’s birthday stuck in my head and feel an odd compulsion to acknowledge it. It’s not true of everyone, but I’ve found it increasingly true of more people. Even people I don’t know particularly well. I think it might seem slightly upsetting. How would I feel about getting a birthday card from someone who’s essentially a stranger. Every. Single. Year. I probably would feel stalked. And worried that my stalker has some sort of unhealthy attachment to me. And I might call the police.

“Officer, I keep getting cards from a woman I barely know.”

“How often?”

“Once a year.”

“Once a year? And this worries you because….?”

“I don’t know. It just seems strange. I mean, it’s like she’s pursuing me.”

“Well, at the speed of once a year, I sort of doubt she’s going to catch you.”

“You’re not taking me seriously, are you? How would YOU feel if some woman kept sending you cards?”

“How would I feel if a woman sent me a card once a year? I’d feel like she works for my insurance company and is required to wish me happy birthday because I’m a customer.”

“Okay, you can cut the sarcasm. What can I do to stop the harassment?”

“Harassment? You call one card a year harassment? What would a phone call once a month be? Attempted murder? C’mon, you can’t be serious that you’re worried about her when she contacts you once a year. Can you?”

The conversation could go on, but you can probably tell that it would end badly for the complainant. Ultimately, he would be arrested for harassment of a law enforcement officer. During the process of the arrest, the complainant’s efforts to resist being handcuffed would lead to the officer being pushed against his patrol car. That, in turn, would lead to the complainant being severely beaten with a club and pistol-whipped by an angry police officer. Things would go little better in court during the trial, where he would be sentenced to four consecutive life sentences for attempted murder of a public servant.

I just can’t see Maggie doing that to me just because I remembered her birthday. But stranger things have happened. Look at the occupant of the White House. Who would have thought American democracy would have been brought to its knees by a few remarks made by the sitting presidents during the White House Correspondents’ Dinner…a few remarks jabbing a dinner guest for promoting a conspiracy theory suggesting that the sitting president was not legitimately a U.S. citizen?

I remember it well. I was at the Correspondents’ Dinner. The object of the President’s ridicule was livid, but he laughed, attempting to distance himself from the white-hot rage he felt at being mocked. Oh, but he was angry in the extreme. He pulsated with anger as he heard the entire room laugh at him as a Black man took repeated jabs at his intellect, his reality show personality, and his vocabulary, which was slightly less advanced than a six-year-old.

Unfortunately for the rest of us, the reality show nut-job revealed a deep flaw in democracy by enlisting others of his ilk to vote. You know, people who should not be permitted to vote due to their penchant for criminal insanity. But you may disagree that they shouldn’t be permitted to vote. That’s your inalienable right. Inalienable. Interesting turn of phrase, given that 5200 troops are about to amass along our southern border. I wouldn’t be surprised to see another 5200 along the northern border. Because Canada. Aliens. Invasion. And the rest, as they say, is history.

 

 

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