On the Lake

Yesterday afternoon, our neighbors took us out for a boat ride on Lake Balboa. Their small catamaran party barge accommodates four people quite well and could, I imagine, hold up to eight comfortably. Yesterday, though, it was just the four of us. We skirted the shoreline, floating into dozens of coves, peering at large lakeside homes. Many, probably most, of the houses have large decks and/or big verandas that must have superb views of the lake and the lakeshore. Their views, though, could not be better than our view from the water.

We took our time wandering around the lake, putting in at about 2:00 p.m. and docking again around 5:00. I used sun block on my forehead and neck, but didn’t bother putting any on my arms and upper thighs, the two areas most often in the sun’s rays. Today, I have slightly red lower arms and decidedly red upper thighs. Just the front of my leg, above my knees. I suspect I’ll peel before long.

After the boat ride, which was made better with the bottle of sangria our friends brought along and the watermelon cubes we provided, we opted for an early dinner at Home Plate. All of us ordered prime rib with various sides. Nice way to cap off a delightful afternoon!

I could have spent the day prepping our deck for paint, but the last few days of doing that convinced me I needed to kick back and heal my sore muscles. It was the right thing to do.

I wish we could reciprocate our neighbors’ hospitality in some fashion. I suspect we’ll find a way. We must. It’s only right.

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Someone Else

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be?

I came upon this pithy aphorism-in-the-form-of-a-question while I was searching for the words of a common platitude that admonishes us to refrain from comparing ourselves to others. Naturally, encountering the question with which I began this post derailed my search for the platitude; at least temporarily. As I considered the interrupting question, about a subject with which I’ve wrestled my entire life, I wondered why we tend to attribute such profundity and meaning to these witty little maxims. It’s as if the wisdom of all human experience is encapsulated in them. If only we could unlock the limitless sagacity contained in a short string of syllables, we would achieve true Understanding. Of course that’s not true. These adages can, at best, trigger intellectual and emotional considerations that may, if we’re lucky, lead to slightly more knowledge of ourselves and the world around us. But they won’t unleash wave upon wave upon wave of wisdom, drowning our ignorance in a sea of enlightenment.

The platitude for which I originally searched suggests we avoid comparing ourselves to others because doing so either crushes our self-confidence or builds it to unsustainable levels. The wording of the precept varies, but the concept varies only a little from phrase to phrase. But, regardless of the structure of the advice, the message is clear and consistent. With so much agreement between various forms of the axiom, it must be true; right? Perhaps, in many cases, it is. But I would argue that comparing oneself and one’s circumstances to others can bring reality into sharper focus. For example, when I was undergoing treatments for lung cancer, I was unhappy about what I was going through. But, during the processes, I realized that my pain and discomfort and inconvenience paled in comparison to what many others were going through. That realization did not “cure” me of my unhappiness, but it caused me to feel greater empathy for those unfortunates around me and to feel less self-pity for myself. The following quote, attributed to the Buddha, puts comparisons in a different light:

Let us rise up and be thankful,  for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.

“There’s always reason to appreciate what we have, who we have close, the good fortune that befalls us, and the misfortune that doesn’t.” I wrote that sentence in a Thoughts for the Day post I wrote in November 2014. The Buddha quote expresses that reason for appreciation.

Though I said in  a paragraph I wrote just moments ago that such adages “won’t unleash wave upon wave upon wave of wisdom,” maybe that’s not entirely true. They cause us to think and to explore why we think the way we do. And that exploration leads to greater wisdom; at least we become wiser about ourselves.

The two concepts I’ve been exploring this morning, self-knowledge and comparing oneself to others, fit together quite well. Mentally, I am creating a pair of lists. The first is a list of who/how I want to be. The second is a list of who/how I am now. I compare the two to identify what changes I must make to enable me to transform the person in the second list into the person in the first. But there’s a piece missing. That second list is who I am now, after the world told me who I should be. Well, the world didn’t tell me. But it shaped me. It replaced the natural me with the person who responded to others’ expectations. That will be the perpetual struggle, I think. Trying to peel away the layers of “stimulus-response” identity to uncover the identity unique to this mass of cells that form my mind and body.

When I think of such things (the entire string of thoughts comprising this post), I feel rather sad. I feel I’ll never be able to find that original me, so I’ll never know who I was before I allowed the world to transform me into who I am. I’m pretty sure I’d like that original me much more than the current version. But then I think, again, of the Buddha’s suggestion of thankfulness and I realize I may not be happy with who I am, but at least I’m not the monster I could be. I have so much for which to be thankful, and I am, indeed, thankful for all of it. But sometimes, it’s not easy being me. Yet it could be far harder being another person, so I’ll make it my mission to avoid being that someone else.

 

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Afflictions

Just over nine months ago, I went to my primary care physician to see about a persistent cough. Thus began my experience with lung cancer. At least that’s where my experience with the medical establishment’s engagement with my lung cancer began. Who knows how long the tumor had been growing inside my right lung? I don’t. My oncologist said she didn’t. She guessed it was quite some time, based on the final determination of the tumor’s size.

That first cancer-related visit with my doctor, on the heels of the final legs of my brother’s lengthy hospitalization, seems like a lifetime ago. Since then, I’ve undergone countless x-rays, PET scans, blood draws, CT scans, an infuse-a-port installation, a lobectomy of my right lung, four chemo treatments, a pulmonary capacity test, thirty radiation therapy treatments, and god knows what other tests, probes, and procedures. I don’t think my body has ever fully recovered from all those invasive and intrusive experiences. My weakness remains. Shooting pains continue, though not nearly as severe as they once were.

I’ve tried to “buck up” and get along with my life as if nothing has happened. And, really, I thought I could do that. I thought my body would heal, quickly and completely. But it hasn’t healed as quickly as it once did after such traumas. My age, I guess, is asserting itself. My body is saying, emphatically, “you’re not as young as you once were.” No, that’s not it. It’s saying, “You’re getting old, you’re wearing out, your tissues are decaying faster than they can replenish themselves.”

My physical decline today is emphasized in how I feel this morning. I ache. I hurt. I feel sore and slow and uncomfortably infirm. Yesterday’s hours of sanding and scraping and sawing and otherwise engaging in an almost endless battle with elderly deck boards and youthful young timbers brought me to today’s realization. My body informs me this morning that my efforts yesterday were the province of young men; and my body is paying the price of bravado and pride. Maybe if I would just wait until I fully heal, such work would not take such an enormous toll on me. But I’m afraid that’s probably not the case. Once the assaults on one’s body outnumber the body’s healing responses, the body begins to get tense and attempt to shield itself from the onslaught. Full recovery seems impossible when the body is shrinking away from its environment.

I shall do no more on the deck today. In fact, I’ll wait to work on it until the predicted period of rain, which is expected to begin tomorrow and last at least a couple of weeks, is behind us. Perhaps by then, I’ll have sufficiently healed to enable me to do the work that needs to be done. Or, perhaps, I’ll relent and let the most recent contractor come back. Or hire someone else. I’m still waiting for the most recent contractor to provide a replacement 2x6x16 and a receipt for $170 in lumber purchases. Even without those things, though, I will push forward. I want the deck complete and usable before mid-summer is upon us.

I want. Yeah. I want. But will I get? We shall see.

***

How does one know when one is supplying enough comfort and support to someone going through tough times, but not too much? When does being available begin to seem like “hovering?” But when does one’s efforts to avoid cloying concern, instead, make one seem distant and uncaring? I suppose it’s just a matter of making one’s intent clear and asking for honest reactions and direction.

Those questions were on my mind when I was in the midst of my cancer treatments; not so much for me, but for people who wanted to be available to me if I needed them. I could tell that some people were uncomfortable, not knowing quite what to do or say to me. They didn’t want me to feel like I was being smothered, but by the same token they didn’t want me to feel like I couldn’t rely on them if I needed them. I’m not sure I was as helpful as I might have been. I could have just told people I appreciated their concerns, but I needed my space. Or that I could use an ear and a shoulder. But too often, I think, I just remained silent, hoping people would just “get it.” Too often, I think, I assume other people can sense my emotions. I don’t know why I make that assumption, because I know I can’t sense theirs. Another lesson for another time of deep reflection. This isn’t that time.

***

Humans are symptoms of the diseases that have befallen our planet.

Humankind is a disease whose wide-ranging symptoms afflict our planet.

Is it one or the other? Or both?

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Broken Strings of Thought

There’s a chill in the air, if one believes 61 degrees can constitute a chill. And I believe it can, when one finds oneself in mid-June in the Bible belt. It’s not an uncomfortable chill, though. It’s the sort of chill that accelerates the heartbeat and makes one grateful the temperatures aren’t hovering near 80 in the early post-dawn hours. It’s only a few minutes before six and the sun’s light is sufficiently bright to make nighttime a distant memory. I love cool mornings that hold the promise of a warm, but not hot, day ahead. Tonight’s low, though, is forecast to dip only to 70. Dammit. I prefer 61.

***

Today, I expect I’ll spend time outside, sanding wood damaged by too-aggressive power-washing. And I’ll smooth the edges of paint still attached to the wooden substrate. If time and energy permit, I’ll start painting, but I doubt I’ll finish even the first coat. There’s a lot of deck to paint and there’s only a little energy in my muscles and bones. Depending on our neighbors’ decision as to whether to go boating tomorrow, I may continue the job tomorrow. If they opt to take us out on the lake, though, completion of painting will wait until another time, when my muscles and bones have had a chance to rest and recover from what I’ve been putting them through these last few days.

***

I’ve been coughing almost non-stop, it seems, for several months now. I think I might have an allergy of some kind, though it could be the aftermath of surgery and radiation and chemotherapy. Spending time inhaling paint dust and pollen can’t help. Does a man ever really grow up and become a responsible adult? I’m stubborn and stupid and forever a child.

***

I just watched a deer amble by the window. It looked like the same deer I watched last night, just before dark, heading in the opposite direction. Last night, the deer walked up the hill beside the house to the driveway, where it took a sharp left and walked through the front “yard” and disappeared from sight. I enjoy watching wildlife meander through the neighborhood. Even though I know deer tend to eat gardens and flowers and other carefully tended plants, I’d rather have them around than not. The armadillos and raccoons, on the other hand, are welcome to relocate out of state.

***

I’ve let my coffee get cold again. I did that yesterday, too. But yesterday, I had an excuse. While my wife slept, I cooked bacon and prepared the batter for pancakes. Those tasks drew my attention away from my coffee. The pancake batter, especially, required my attention. I didn’t make the “normal” pancake batters. I jazzed it up with the addition of baking powder and vegetable oil and sugar and vanilla extract. That jazzing prevented me from focusing on the coffee. Unfortunately, the jazzing had no appreciable impact on the flavor or fluff of the pancakes. It was as if the additions constituted wastes of time, energy, and products. I’ll complain to the pancake batter adjustment corps, the party responsible for the suggestions I followed.

 

 

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Still Scathing

The handyman texted me this morning. He had “just” been told by my neighbors that he had committed to work on their driveway on Friday. Unfortunately, that meant he could not come to work on my deck as promised. He asked, how about Saturday?

My response wasn’t especially friendly. No! And, by the way, your contract calls for payment upon completion, but I acquiesced to your request to pay the first 2/3 because of rain delays and your need for money. And you repay me by accepting a NEW piece of business instead of finishing mine? It was longer, but no less unfriendly. He responded an hour later, asking if I wanted him to come over then to do the painting. I was away, so I told him no. I didn’t tell him that there was no way in hell I was going to let him work on my deck in my absence; I want to be present to correct his mistakes. Plus, he thinks he just needs to paint. No, he needs to say, scrape, blow the dust off, and THEN paint. Plus, it’s a 2-coat job. But I don’t think he understands that.

Am I peeved? Just a shade. A tad. A bit. A smidgeon.

I doubt I’ll have him finish the job. I suspect I will do it myself. I’m at least as capable as he is. I’d rather have someone more capable, but I’m tired to trying to find such a person.

Enough.

Today, we took a little day trip. We drove to Hope, AR, where we ate lunch at an interesting little burger joint (decent, but they badly overcooked my “medium-rare” burger). Then, we drove to Magnolia, AR where we had a slice of pie each. Neither was especially wonderful. But it was pie. At least. I would have preferred uninspired apple or uninspired cherry. But that’s just me.

After we got home, my favorite wife called the only independently-owned pizza spot within a 15 minute drive and ordered a super-duper-supreme pizza or whatever they call theirs. We picked it up and ate half of it. The other half rests in the refrigerator, awaiting tomorrow’s hunger.

Our good friends are in the midst of a multi-state road-trip. Tonight, they are spending their time in Tombstone, Arizona. We communicate, in snippets, via text message. I wish we were with them. I’d prefer communicating person-to-person.

***

I wrote something on Facebook a day or two ago, since removed, about suicide. I opted to remove it because I sensed it might seem like a call for pity, even though that’s not what it was. I was just saying, basically, suicide should not be illegal. Since then (and for a long time before then), I’ve been thinking that I think about suicide far more frequently than I should. I wonder whether my periodic thoughts on the matter might be unhealthy symptoms that I may not be as mentally healthy as I ought to be. My thoughts are far too complex for me to attempt to explore them here. But I think maybe I am giving myself warning signs. If so, I’ve been sending them for years, but have taken great care to hide them from the rest of the world.

All the above should not be taken as a warning. Really. But I think people, more people than any of us might imagine, consider suicide. It may be a fleeting thought, it may be a constant mental burden; but it’s there, somewhere, in the back of the mind.

***

The time is closing in on 10:30 p.m. I have no reason to go to bed, but no compelling reason to stay awake. My life is not sufficiently exciting to require my eyelids to remain open. So I shall go to sleep. Soon. Before I write something I can’t unwrite.

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Dammit…Now, Hitting the Road

I spent a large part of the day yesterday deconstructing and then reconstructing the sixteen-foot-long step that leads from the upper level of the back deck to the lower level. I did this because the contractor didn’t pay attention to how the original step was built and, as evidence of his incompetence, built the new step with a four-inch gap between the step and the side railing. Just enough space to be a trip and fall hazard. Plus, it looked bad. He insisted he had to build it that way. By the time I noticed his screw-up, I was too tired of correcting him to fight it. So I let him leave, thinking I would rebuild the step myself. So I did. I’ll have to replace a 2 x 6 x 16 that’s not quite right because of the way it was originally cut to accommodate a drain for the roof gutter, but I can do that anytime. For now, though, the step is as it should be. Before I noticed the latest screw-up, I caught a more serious one in time to rectify it before he had gotten too far. He was building the step two inches too high. He “thought” it had been built with a 2 x 8 x 16. I stopped him and explained to him that what he was doing was wrong. It took a while, but he finally figured it out. A light bulb, quite dim but with barely enough illumination, came on in his dark little brain and he “saw the light.”

I’m afraid the guy and his helper are handymen by virtue of the fact that they own hammers, not because they have any handyman skills. But, they have replaced a number of rotting or split deck boards, so progress has been made. And they’ve power washed the deck (though too aggressively—fuzzy wood fibers are visible on many, many boards) and scraped a bit. There were to have been back yesterday to paint, but they “got behind on another job.” So, according to a text the contractor sent to me, they will return Friday to paint. That’s the same day he committed to doing some other work for a neighbor. I asked the neighbor if her job had been pushed back, too. She responded via email that she had called him and reminded him that he had promised to do her work on Friday. He was confused, she said, but finally agreed that he would do her work on Friday and would tell me. He hasn’t told me anything yet. We’ll see.

My experience with “handymen” and their ilk has been disappointing, to say the least. The few people who do good work in the Village and who are dependable are backed up for months. And they are expensive. I’m reaching the point that I am willing to engage people who are expensive. And if I can wait, I will. It’s maddening to hire people who don’t show up or who show up only with hammers when the job calls for saws. And who do not know how to use a tape measure. Arrgghhh!

Once the deck is painted, I have committed to seeking out truly skilled, competent contractors to give us quotes on several other projects. Once we select the one we like, I’ll be satisfied to be put on the project list, even if it’s months hence. I just don’t want to babysit people who know less about what they are being paid to do than I.

Enough griping and moaning. We’re going to go for a drive today, destination as yet undetermined. I think, though, it will involve pie-seeking. Janine found something about what is said to be among Arkansas’ best locations for pie. This appears to be calling her. I am happy to accommodate. Where are these pies? We shall see.

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Drenched in Thought

In mid-November 2012 (and many other times, before and after) I wrote a little about why I find Buddhism refreshing. Among my thoughts seven years ago was this one:

It (Buddhism) is a refreshing perspective,  far more appealing to me than any “religion” that requires me to suspend my disbelief and far more appealing than what I consider “militant atheism” that expends its efforts to condemn religious beliefs instead of supporting freedom of belief (or lack thereof).

Today, I feel the same, but at a higher pitch or greater volume. As I consider Buddhism’s Four Noble Truths, the intricate complexities of life seem simple, although presented in an unpleasantly mystical way:

1. Suffering: Life always involves suffering, in obvious and subtle forms. We always feel an undercurrent of anxiety and uncertainty.

2. The Cause of Suffering: Craving and fundamental ignorance cause suffering. We suffer because we mistakenly believe that we are a separate, independent, being. Alan Watts captured our misconception when he said:

We do not “come into” this world; we come out of it, as leaves from a tree. As the ocean “waves,” the universe “peoples.” Every individual is an expression of the whole realm of nature, a unique action of the total universe. This fact is rarely, if ever, experienced by most individuals. Even those who know it to be true in theory do not sense or feel it, but continue to be aware of themselves as isolated “egos” inside bags of skin.

I learned once, and did again, that the painful and futile struggle to maintain this delusion of ego is known as samsara, or cyclic existence.

3. The End of Suffering: Our obscurations, those efforts we make to hide our connections to the universe, are temporary. Someone once said they are “like passing clouds that obscure the sun of our enlightened nature.” Thus suffering can end because our obscurations can be purified and an awakened mind is always available to us.

4. The Path: According to Buddhism, by living ethically, practicing meditation, and developing wisdom, we can take the same journey to enlightenment and freedom from suffering that the Buddha took. We, too, can wake up.

The problem I have with this, as well as every non-religious “path” toward happiness or awakening or clarity or whatever you might want to call it is this: I don’t know whether I really believe it or I simply want to believe it. So either I don’t trust the philosophy, no matter how appealing I find it, or I don’t trust myself to be able to distinguish knowledge from desire.

Unitarian Universalism holds some of the same appeal but, at the same time, I am equally skeptical of it. Yet its seven principles are rooted in morality and decency as defined in Western culture; and I can buy into them.

Ultimately, I suppose, my internal struggles with philosophies of existence come down to my struggle with knowing who I am, at my core. I’ve written about that so many times. I would think the sheer volume of writing about exploring myself would have led me somewhere that offers answers. But that is not the case. I’m still just as lost as I ever was. As I’ve said probably dozens of times before, Paul Simon put the words in my mouth: I’m empty and aching and I don’t know why.

Religion, in and of itself, is not the opiate of the masses. Religion is just a thin shred of the broader opiate, philosophy. Philosophy is what guides us. It permits us to determine morality which, in turn, seems to need religion to serve as its anchor. I see Universal Unitarianism more as a philosophy than a religion. But most UUs tend not to see it that way. And I see Buddhism as a philosophy, too. Philosophy and religion intersect in a complex web, but they are not the same thing. Religion needs philosophy for sustenance. Philosophy stands on its own; it does not need religion for support. “Opiate” is not the right term, anyway. Philosophy does not dull one’s senses and weaken one’s control over one’s mind; it does just the opposite. Religion, on the other hand, does both. So maybe Marx was right, after all. Maybe religion is the opiate of the masses and philosophy is the potential antidote. Obviously, my mind is shifting with every stroke of my fingers on the keyboard.

I think all of this can be distilled, for me, into a few questions. Why am I the way I am? Who am I? What do I believe about life and the human condition? Why do I hold those beliefs? Simple, right? It’s taken me sixty-five years to begin forming the questions. It will probably take another sixty-five years to frame them properly. And another few lifetimes to draft and polish and embrace the answers.

On an entirely different subject, today is a brother’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Brother!

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Authenticity in Appetite

I find it interesting that definitions of passion conflict with one another. For instance, on one hand passion can mean ardent affection or strong sexual desire but, on the other, it can mean an outbreak of anger, as in a crime of passion. Yet one’s passion for grapefruit never, to my knowledge, equates with citric anger (nor is it synonymous with a sexual attraction to its fleshy segments). In the right mood, I can enjoy the inconsistencies of language to the point that I get a sense that language was invented as a means of expressing whimsy. But, of course, whimsy is a concept that requires language for its expression, so language could not have been created to conceive of a concept not yet conceive. I suppose, though, whimsy can be expressed in art or even in facial expressions, so language isn’t necessarily a precursor to whimsy. According to Merriam-Webster, the first known use of the word whimsy, defined as whim or caprice, was in 1605. But the online version of the definition goes no deeper; I’d like to know precisely how, in 1605, the word whimsy was used. Context, please! But, no, M-W chooses to be mysterious and seductive. If I let myself yield to my curiosity, I will find myself immersed in a pool of etymology, drowning in obscure words whose histories will pull me deeper and deeper into a never-ending search for meanings. “The autopsy revealed both lungs were filled with scraps of dead language, many syllables of which had Grecian origins, leading us to the conclusion that his death was a Greek tragedy.” Passion and whimsy seem an unlikely pair of words, don’t they? Whimsy is an annoying word that I associate with bored, intellectually deficient, stay-at-home-concubines or sculpted male paramours who paint wall-hangings that read “Home is Wear the ♡ Is.” I know. I intended to write “wear.” I ran from the room, screaming, as they called after me with witless aphorisms.

***

Usually, after I read articles on BBC.com, I feel at least moderately enlightened, as if I have been infused with new information that improves my knowledge of the world. Yesterday, though, I read an article that concerned me a bit. The article suggested, in an oblique sort of way, that the Indian food recognized the world over as Indian food is not truly “authentic.” That is because many of the ingredients Indian food aficionados expect in their Indian food dishes are not indigenous to the subcontinent. Potatoes, tomatoes, hot chiles, cabbages, cauliflower, peas, and carrots are not native to the region, yet they are essentially required in many Indian dishes today.

The article suggests/implies/hints that the only truly native Indian cuisine is that prepared for meals once each year by the family’s eldest male on each of the death anniversaries of immediate family members for the religious shraadha rite. Ingredients used in those meals have been native to the subcontinent for at least a millenium.  The author says, “the food eaten after the religious shraadha rite showcases the indigenous biodiversity of the Indian subcontinent. It’s a rich medley of unripe mangoes, raw bananas, cluster and broad beans, sweet potatoes, banana stems, taro roots and a succulent called pirandai (veld grape). These ingredients are flavoured with pepper, cumin and salt, while soft yellow mung dal provides much of the protein.

To be fair, the author never says, specifically, that today’s Indian cuisine is not “authentic.” But I think that perspective is implied. And, to that, I say “nonsense.” Cuisines everywhere evolve over time and as new ingredients become available and as sources of traditional ingredients disappear. I think it is impossible to point to any “ethnic” cuisine and say it is “authentic.” At least not when that word suggests the cuisine has not changed since its creation. I think we ought to think of cuisines in temporal terms. “Contemporary Mexican food.” “Late eighteenth century Afghan cuisine.” That sort of thing.  The food of India changed with the advent of trade with Europe and South America and so forth. I vaguely recall reading that the availability of ethnic foods in the U.S. increased dramatically beginning in the late 1960s, when significant changes in both trade and immigration policies took place. I wish I remembered where I read it; I’d like to explore that more. It would be interesting, I think, to compare the number of ethnic restaurants in the U.S., by ethnicity, year-by-year, to the changes in trade and immigration policy. I suspect someone has already done it, though I’d love to replicate the work just to see if the concept holds.

The more I think about “authentic” ethnic foods, the more certain I am that there is no such thing. The foods of all cultures are always in the midst of radical transitions, a result of enormous changes in agriculture, transportation, immigration, trade policy, deforestation…the list could go on forever. My interest in “fusion” foods is nothing new (except to me, and even for me it’s actually an old interest); fusion foods are the cuisine of planet Earth, thanks to human adaptation.

Speaking of passion, and I was, I have a passion for food and a thirst for information about it. I find food intriguing to the point of lusting after knowledge about it. Thirst. Passion. Lust. There you have it. Language doing its thing, creating intellectual passageways in the brain that connect unrelated concepts. Another light bulb just went off in my head. How is it that the term “sexual appetite” came into being? I equate appetite with food. So, a passion for food must be the result of a sexual appetite, right? I’ve leave it there.

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In the Absence of Proof

In the absence of proof there is no truth. Lacking incontrovertible evidence, every experience is a lie, every memory is created in a cracked vacuum suddenly filled with biased fiction. Evidence cannot prove an event never occurred, so whether it did nor not is immaterial. Without evidence to the contrary, it must have taken place. And vice versa. If an event is said to have occurred, absent evidence, it most certainly did not.

Historical records are suspect. Even contemporaneous records are created after the fact, so they cannot be trusted. The subject of their documentation is colored by the lens through which the contemporary historian interprets “facts.”

The colors of facts are not black and white but, instead, a million shades of grey and green and fuschia and every tone along the spectrum. Facts look different from every angle of observation. An irrational tangle of metal, from one angle, looks like an irrational tangle of metal. From another angle, the one from which the artist see it, it casts a crisp shadow of a dead President. The visions are not really facts. They are interpretations of perception.

Scientists will tell you…at least the honest ones will…that proof is impossible. Proof is an illusive objective that can never be determined because all the facts can never be known. But scientists rely on evidence that support theories to which other scientists readily subscribe. If evidence refutes a theory, the theory changes to reflect the evidence.

Especially now, when facts are treated as utterly subjective and personal, we can be sure only that the more information we get, the less we know. We cannot rely on the preponderance of evidence because evidence is like truth; without proof, it is meaningless.

“We hold these truths to be self evident…” We did, once. We valued rational thought and accepted the conclusions to which it led. We disagreed, even with rational arguments, but we based our disagreements on mutually accepted facts. Beliefs colored our world, but facts tended to support our beliefs. And even if our beliefs had no factual basis, we accepted and acknowledged that reality.

There will come a time when we return to the rationality of the early twenty-first century. Until then, we must muddle through as we try to drown out a voice belonging to someone we hope will become the subject of an artist’s irrational tangle of metal.

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Phrases

Not long ago, I wrote a somewhat depressing philosophical screed that included concepts and phrases I’ve never used before. Phrases like “tetanus fog” and “smothering with a cellophane pillow.” I didn’t post the discourse on my blog, but I kept it for personal reference. I do that quite a lot. I write what’s on my mind, intending not to share it but to record my frame of mind for my own purposes. I want to try to remember what was on my mind that caused me to write such foul, ugly stuff. The only way to try to remember is to record that foul, ugly stuff.

I remember, but didn’t write it at the time, that I seesawed between “cellophane” and “diaphanous,” opting for cellophane because I think of something that’s diaphanous as being permeable to air. I wanted a word that would conjure an image of a pillow that cut off the flow of air, even though I used it as a metaphor, not as a description of an actual experience.

The same is true of “tetanus fog.” It was intended as a metaphor that would evoke an image of an imaginary mist that seizes the muscles, making speech impossible. I don’t know where that term came from. I searched Google for it this morning and came up with a handful of “hits,” but none of them were even close in meaning to what I intended. So perhaps I finally came up with something original.

I’m not sure why I am writing about what I wrote but have not shared. I don’t plan to share it for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that I think it is the product of a foul mood translated into poor writing. And it reveals more of me than I choose to reveal; a depressed core that I should excise somehow. But I was, and remain, fascinated with the terms I latched onto while writing it. Smothering with a cellophane pillow. Tetanus fog. Maybe I’m writing this so that I will one day stumble upon this post, see the phrases, and say to myself, “Eureka! Those are the words I’ve been looking for!

 

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Time and Coffee

My mood this morning is best described as somber. Witnessing mortality express itself will do that to a person. On the other hand, reality with all its messy attributes tends to expose hopes and dreams as artifice. Mortality puts the expectation of everlasting life in sharp relief. Mortality emphasizes the need to experience life to its fullest while time allows that experience to take place.

There it is again. Time, that artificial construct, plays with us as if we were toys. And I suppose we are. We are playthings in the hands of a mischievous and cruel universe that doesn’t care whether we laugh or cry. It’s not that the universe doesn’t care; it can’t care. Caring also is an abstract dimension created by us to compress or extend the sensation of time. In a sense, we create the universe of which we are a part. So if we are playthings, we are toys of our own making, toys crafted from the thin shavings of time. Without time, we are not—and do not have any—toys.

Circular thinking becomes spherical thinking becomes misunderstanding becomes tarnished wisdom with enough time and coffee.

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Respite from the Respite

I grossly underestimated the work involved in developing a coherent compilation of my writing. The endeavor is far more time-consuming than I expected; I didn’t realize how long it would take to sort through the 2900+ posts to this blog, let along the hundreds more posted to old abandoned blogs. And there are hundreds of pages of material that I never posted for public view; stuff that just sits in desolation in my computer.

Of course, most of this stuff will not find its way to my compilation. It’s either redundant, poorly-written or ill-conceived, or irrevocably incomplete and, therefore, unsuited to dissemination. Let’s say I have 4000 pieces from which to choose. If I decide to pick just ten percent, I’ll still have quite a task before me.

One of the difficulties I’ve had thus far has been organizing material into topics. And one of the obstacles to doing that is the fact that my writing tends to reflect the way I think; my thoughts ricochet from idea to idea, frequently failing to conclude one thought before moving on to the next one. So, it’s a task. Once I get the materials sorted, I’ll have to cull ninety percent of what I’ve written, then edit, revise, and/or rewrite what’s left so that each topic area is at least moderately coherent. This is more effort, perhaps, than it’s worth. Or, to use a slightly modified favorite aphorism: “The game may not be worth the candle.”

The idea, once I gather this material and tidy it up intellectually and cosmetically, I will self-publish it in book and e-book form. I expect sales may reach the low double digits. So why go to so much trouble? Ego, perhaps. A desire to eventually leave something tangible as an intellectual legacy. I really don’t know. I’ve tried to explore my own motives and thus far haven’t been able to pin them down. We’ll see what comes next.

***

I spent the day yesterday in Little Rock. First, we ran some errands my wife wanted to complete…Whole Foods, Fresh Market, Drug Emporium. Then I was in what seemed to be a perpetual state of waiting to be called for my CT scan. I got there fifteen minutes early for my 11:30 appointment. I was called in for the scan after 12:30, the time I was scheduled for a blood draw. The CT took only 20 minutes, allowing me to be just a little late for my 1:00 appointment to see my surgeon for my six-month follow-up visit. Everything looked reasonably good to him. “Come back in six months.” I then went back to the lab for the blood work (not necessary blood work…I had agreed before my surgery to allow the research team to follow me, which entails periodically giving them blood and urine samples…who knows, research conducted with my blood and urine may lead to a cure for lung cancer).

After all the medical engagements, we went to El Tapatio for a late lunch of borrego and birria, thereby satisfying our hunger for lamb and/or mutton and/or goat (but I doubt we had any goat…even though birria usually is made with goat meat…it didn’t taste like it to me). I gather from the menu that the restaurant’s owners are from Jalisco (where birrierias are ubiquitous). As always, the little dive of a restaurant was a delight.

While we were away, the contractor spent a second day replacing deck boards. By the time we got home, they had come close to completing the replacements. All that’s left now is to rebuilt some steps. Next up, they will clean and power wash the deck, sand where necessary, and paint. But all that will depend on cooperative weather, which may be a while. But progress is most certainly being made.

Today, I’m taking a break from my compilation and anything else requiring the expenditure of much mental energy. Even though I didn’t spent much yesterday, I still feel a need to vegetate.  And so I shall.

 

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Respite

I’ve decided I’ll take a break from my blog for a while. That decision comes after another hour or more, this morning, of attempting to write and failing miserably. Over and over, the words that slip from my fingers seem dull and lethargic. They seem unwillingly compelled. And they are.

Lately, I’ve had to force myself to write, which is reflected in the quality—or lack thereof—of what I’ve written. Perhaps the problem is my hope to be funny or profound or clever when I don’t feel capable of humor or profundity or quick-wittedness. In spite of knowing I’m not in a mood suitable to decent writing, I’ve pushed myself to write, hoping to overcome the obstacles in my way but knowing that was fruitless. Instead of just laying off, though, I’ve insisted on writing something, only to acknowledge later the uselessness of that endeavor. So, in lieu of humorous, my words are colorless. I’ve attempted to be profound and achieved superficiality, instead. I’ve tried to be clever and failed.

The underlying reasons for this state of affairs are clear to me, but not worthy of explanation except to myself in the privacy of my own head. When my issues resolve themselves in some way or another, I’ll try my hand at writing for (semi)public consumption again. In the meantime, I may direct my energies toward compiling the best of my writing into a themed collection, or a series of collections, that with a bit of editing and care could comprise a readable compilation. I don’t think I’m being overly boastful in saying that I’ve written some pretty decent material that’s worthy of inclusion in a “collected works” that some people might find engaging or useful. I just don’t think I’m writing decent material now. But perhaps, if I overcome the obstacles standing in my way of late and, while doing that, can generate a spark of enthusiasm about what I’ve already written, I can get back on track.

I shall see.

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Eggcorns and Neologisms and Mondegreens

Eggcorns and neologisms. I think I have heard the term eggcorn before, but its meaning slipped away over time. I know neologism quite well; in fact, it’s one of my favorite words. The terms came to my attention again recently. Eggcorn is likely to slip away again, but at least I’ll be able to find it again here. If I remember to look. An eggcorn is “a word or phrase that sounds like and is mistakenly used in a seemingly logical or plausible way for another word or phrase.” Some people poetically call them a slip of he ear.

Here are some examples of eggcorns, the first word or phrase is the mistake in every case:

  • doggy-dog-world versus dog-eat-dog world
  • for all intensive purposes versus for all intents and purposes
  • happy as a clown versus happy as a clam
  • ex-patriot versus expatriate
  • passes mustard versus passes muster
  • illicit a response versus elicit a response
  • expresso versus espresso
  • chomping at the bit versus champing at the bit
  • another think coming versus another thing coming

Wait, that last one…is the original, correct, phrase really another think coming?And the one before that, is it really supposed to be champing at the bit? If you were to believe an article in Time Magazine from May 2015, that’s correct.

Regardless of whether you believe which word or phrase is “correct,” you might wonder whether, indeed, eggcorns are simply malapropisms by another name. The difference, according to some online source I’ve forgotten, is that malapropisms consist of substitutions that form nonsense phrases. I’d argue that for all intensive purposes meets that definition of malapropism; but I don’t know with whom I’m arguing, so I’ll let it pass.

What’s the difference, though, between an eggcorn and a neologism? I’d say it depends… The word eggcorn, now accepted as a legitimate word, was adopted in 2003 by a group of linguists who (according to Time Magazine) discussed someone’s mistaken use of the word to identify what the rest of us would call an acorn. In my book, eggcorn was at the time a neologism. Speaking of neologisms, my favorite (the one I think I coined but could be wrong) is insinuendo, a portmanteau combining insinuate and innuendo. But I think some people, including some linguists, would say the word is an eggcorn. Inasmuch as I control my own language, thank you very much, I don’t really care what they say. I’ll call it a neologism until it comes into common usage, as it should. Before I leave the topic, let me use that favorite word in a sentence: “His comments about Beth’s disheveled dress, when she emerged from the library with Maxwell, were engorged with insinuendo.”

I could go on. I could discuss, at length, the term mondegreen and the strange appeal it has over me. A mondegreen, by the way, is “a mishearing or misinterpretation of a phrase as a result of near-homophony, in a way that gives it a new meaning.” Sometimes used to describe the mishearing/misinterpretation of lyrics to music, the word is best understood by way of example. My favorite example of a mondegreen is the mishearing of a Jimi Hendrix song that includes the words: “Excuse me, while I kiss the sky.” The alternative, the mondegreen, is “excuse me, while I kiss this guy.” A reverse mondegreen, one with which most English speaker are familiar is:

“Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey.
A kiddley divey too, wouldn’t you?”

The “original,” from which the lyrics were extracted, is:

Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy
A kid’ll eat ivy too, wouldn’t you?”

According to a piece on Wikipedia, The Twelve Days of Christmas originally included “four colly birds” (“colly” meaning “black”); over time (around the turn of the nineteenth to the twentieth century), “colly” was replaced by “calling.”

Language is fascinating. Life is fascinating. Make the most of it while you have it.

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Freedom to Interpret

“There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”

Those words from Leonard Cohen’s Anthem, in the context of the rest of the lyrics, are subject to a thousand interpretations. In my view, the tune is a poem set to music. Taken alone and absent context, they summon an equal number of explanations. Everyone reads those words through a prism or hears them against background noise, the sounds of experience.

While the authors of poetry and musical lyrics (one and the same, in my view, so from here on I’ll just call them poetry) might have had a specific meaning for the words in mind, the consumer of those words is free to assign different meanings to those words. In my opinion, that’s one of the attractions of poetry, the freedom it gives both the writer and the consumer. I remember times in high school, especially, when my teacher would insist on looking at every word, every line, to get at what the poet meant. Those times frustrated me to no end because I knew, even then, that we could never get a what the poet “meant” unless the poet conducted the line-by-line discussion. And I knew, even then, that part of the allure of poetry is both the mystery of its meanings and its ability to get the reader to think about the words and give them meaning that makes sense to the reader.

Sometimes, the meaning contained in well-written poetry can be transparent; the poet’s intent can be obvious. I said “well-written.” Maybe. In my view, the only well-written poetry with meanings that are obvious are poems that call the reader or listener to action. For most poems, though, the call to action is the call to read and reflect and assign meaning that matters to the reader or consumer.

I wrote a poem a few years ago that had very specific, highly personal meaning to me but, to most others, probably means something entirely different if, indeed, it means anything at all:

Into Salt

The water was gentle that February day, the waves
subdued as if they knew we were coming and why.

Salt in the air and in our eyes. Water splashing
against the beach and running down the rivers on our faces.

Wading, slowly, into the warm water,
hating every step and cursing every breath untaken.

Holding onto one another the way we
no longer could hold onto her.

Releasing the contents of a temporary plastic
urn into the permanence of a sea of infinity.

Impossibly hard, brutally final, an ending come too early
in a world in which endings are so often too late.

The gentleness of the water was unwelcome,
waves should have pounded the sand,
wind should have shrieked in rebellion.

She had been someone who loved and
was loved, someone who cared and was cared for.

The final soul-crushing goodbye, breaking life into a million
shards like brittle glass that cannot be made whole again.

You just go on, remembering what melted into salt.

I wrote the poem as a remembrance of the day that my family, a year after her death, scattered my sister’s ashes in the Gulf of Mexico. That was a very hard day.

Poetry provides an outlet when nothing else will do. Its meaning, to both writer and reader/consumer, is defined both by words included in the poem or lyrics and those left out. In artists’ language, the latter would be called negative space.  In the poem above, there’s no mention of my sister nor my family. The only clue that it is about ashes released into the water is the mention of a plastic urn. Lots of “negative space” in the poem.

Here’s another poem, inspired by the same sister. I’ll comment about the poem below.

Heathen Saint

What of a heathen saint,
a woman whose actions lack
covert motives, a guardian of
goodness, a paladin of such purity
even snow cringes at the comparison?

She was neither nun nor pastor nor
preacher, did not even believe in God,
so spent her Sunday mornings away from
hymnals and flowers and the sound of
uplifting worshipful organ music.

But she believed fervently in people,
so she toiled on Sundays, like every day,
to repair the detritus of the night before,
the shrapnel of broken dreams and abandoned
hopes and children left to fend for themselves
while parents offered delirious sacraments
to suicidal addictions and personal demons.

Some think Sunday mornings unsuited
to the stench of cigarettes, stale beer, and
cheap whiskey, that odors of night sweats,
urine, and fear have no place on Sunday,
a day some set aside for reflection.

But she believed in people and that
she could make a difference every day.
She fought dogma that traded the
fragrance of drunks in church
pews on off-days for a meal
and a soft place for their heads;
she asked for no quid pro quo.

She traded safety for relevance and
comfort for concern, leaving herself
open to the consequences of compassion.
The world was a better place with her,
and remains so now, because of her.

Again, the poem was inspired by my sister. It was not, strictly speaking, about her. The words meld my recollections of her with my idealization of a modern-day “saint.” This poem, like the first, relies on “negative space” for its meaning and impact…at least to the writer. Without saying it outright, the poem derides those who cling to religion for salvation but whose behavior is at odds with their “beliefs.” It intended to do that by suggestion  Absent my explanation, I don’t know what readers/consumers of the poem might think it is about. I don’t know whether they like it or hate it or find it easy to dismiss with no strong feelings either way. A poem’s imagery often resides in the head of the writer and the reader, not in written words. For that reason, among others, a poem can (and usually does) mean different things to different people.

The first two stanzas of another poem I wrote a few years ago also rely in part on “negative space” for their meaning:

Penury

Poverty slams doors
and binds them shut
with shackles purchased
with the fruits of avarice,
thick ribbons of greed
sewn from raw hubris and cold
conceit.

Devoid of the fibers of
kindness, these braids
weave a crusted cloth, spun into
clothing worn in unearned
shame by victims of circumstance
thrust upon them by someone else’s
excess.

These two stanzas are screaming metaphors. The rest of the poem, too, relies entirely on metaphors to express rage at the existence of poverty. The metaphors in the first two stanzas and the remainder of the poem cast blame for poverty on greed and excess and hubris. I think (but I’m not certain) the writer’s intent is clear throughout the poem. I think, but I’m not sure, the reader’s or consumer’s understanding of the poem will coincide with my intent in writing it. But if the reader doesn’t interpret it in the way I intended it to be interpreted, that’s all right. Because it’s poetry. If I wanted to be sure the reader would clearly understand my meaning for the words I used, I wouldn’t have written a poem. Instead, I would have written an essay and I would have explained in great detail and in multiple ways what I intended. I would have tried to ensure that no one could possibly read my words and “misinterpret” them to mean something I did not intend. But I didn’t write an essay. I wrote a poem. Poems are open to interpretation. Whether that interpretation corresponds to the poet’s intent is immaterial.

As I finish writing this post, I’m asking myself why I wrote it? I think, perhaps, I wrote it to emphasize to myself that I believe the value of poetry to both writer and reader resides in the meaning each assigns to it. And that the meanings assigned by writer and reader need not coincide, because poetry is extremely personal. And poems need not matter to everyone who reads them. It’s okay to dismiss an individual poem as irrelevant to oneself…if, indeed, it truly is irrelevant.

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Con-Fusion Foods and Cultures

I can’t stop myself. My mind keeps returning to an idea I expressed on this blog on Christmas day almost six years ago. It was December 25, 2013 that I proposed creating fusion dishes that would marry the flavors and textures of Mexican and Indian/Pakastani foods. Yes, I realize the idea might be considered by some as gastronomic or culinary appropriation. But as I’ve argued before, it is not appropriation; it is cultural celebration, giving recognition to and appreciation for the foodstuffs of other cultures.

By now, my idea (which I had not heard from others at the time) is not new. Just yesterday, I read an article in the Dallas Observer about a new (started in 2018) food truck, Halal Mother Truckers, that serves “Pakistani Tex-Mex.” Regardless that my idea has been appropriated and adapted elsewhere (yes, I know, I probably wasn’t the source of the idea), I intend to pursue it in my own kitchen that I call The French Kangaroo. The dishes I plan to prepare (over time) include:

  • lamb vindaloo tamales;
  • chicken vindaloo tacos;
  • tandoori carnitas;
  • lamb fajitas;
  • bhindi masala burritos;
  • gobhi Manchurian empenadas (to really mix it up);
  • baigan guisada enchiladas;
  • shrimp biryani con frijoles refritos.

I’ve been talking about doing this for, literally, years! It’s time I stop dreaming and start executing. When I do these things, I will write about the experiences and post photos, both here and at The French Kanagaroo. Speaking of TFK, it’s embarrassing how little I’ve written/posted to the page in recent months…and months…and months.

As I think about some of these prospective dishes, I envision additional cuisines slipping into the mix. Caribbean jerk chicken tacos, perhaps. Or German sausage biryani. Or, perhaps, chiles rellenos filled with doro wat alongside raita and basmati rice. The combinations could be endless. I can imagine a bowl of linguini flavored with leftover sauce from lamb vindaloo (if there is such a thing) and slices of nopalitos.

***

Schools should, from an early age, teach children about different cultures. Cultural differences should be celebrated. Not just foods, but ideas. Customs. The objective of preserving cultural identity, while ensuring cultural acceptance and assimilation, is a tough one. But it merits serious consideration. If we survive the asshole in the White House, we ought to try to restructure our own society so that we collectively appreciate and understand other cultures. Food gives us the opportunity to introduce other cultures to us and to introduce ourselves to other cultures. But it’s not the only way. Understanding the cuisines of a culture cannot replace understanding the beliefs and norms of a culture. I suppose I’m writing these words to emphasize that I recognize that we won’t accomplish world peace through food alone. But it’s a start.

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Sense of Wonder

Recent storms ripped leaves and some rotted branches from trees, littering the streets with natural debris. The rotted branches, smashed beneath the wheels of cars, become orange and brown detritus, leaving the roadways splotched with abstract designs. The early morning sun and shadow plays with the artistic compositions, creating even more complex patterns. I watch these evolving images from the safety of my window, for now, but when I get in my car in a few minutes, I’ll have to force myself to pay attention not to the natural artwork, but to oncoming traffic and bends in the road.

The art in nature seems mostly random, but if you observe it closely over enough time, you will find repetitive shapes and forms and textures. What we see, on close inspection, is the natural configuration of cells and crystals, amplified thousand of times over. The symmetry of crystalline structures is among the most obvious repetitions, but repetitions are everywhere. We see the macroscopic versions of incredibly complex microscopic symmetries.

I sometimes long to know more than I do about the intricacies of leaves and tree trunks and minerals. But then I wonder whether such deep knowledge can damage the sense of wonder one feels in the natural world? Does the natural environment become somewhat clinical, knowing that beneath the stunning beauty are structures readily explainable by physics and biology and mathematics? I doubt it. I know people whose knowledge of the natural world greatly eclipses mine and they seem to have an even greater sense of awe about it than I.

Time to stop wondering. I’m off to have my ultrasound. Oh boy.

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Religion Has No Place in Government and Politics

“I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute, where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom to vote; where no church or church school is granted any public funds or political preference; and where no man is denied public office merely because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or the people who might elect him.”

John F. Kennedy
September 12, 1960

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Critical Thinking at Odd Hours

During recent internet meanderings, an old YouTube video surfaced, recalling something I found insightful a few years ago. The subject of the video is is bitchy resting face. That is, a woman’s normal facial appearance, at rest, that looks sour or angry. The latter part of the video turns to men who exhibit the same expression; for them, the term is asshole resting face. I don’t know whether the video preceded or followed widespread use of another term for the phenomenon: resting bitch-face. The male counterpart is resting dick-face. I have compassion for people, including me, whose normal expressions represent either resting bitch-face or resting dick-face. We don’t choose to look sour and angry all the time. It’s just the way our faces are. That perpetual scowl doesn’t represent anger or a bad mood or an invitation to trade insults or engage in a physical confrontation. And, by the way, it’s not a perpetual scowl if it’s the natural appearance of the face at rest. It’s either resting bitch-face or resting dick-face. On more than one occasion, I’ve been asked, seemingly out of nowhere, “What’s wrong?” The questioner’s assumption, of course, is that my facial appearance suggests I am unhappy or angry or otherwise not in my happy place. Rather than go into a long explanation about how my normal expression can be misconstrued by others as evidence of some form of distress, I think henceforth I’ll say, “Nothing. It’s just my resting dick-face.”

***

Only twice since I began writing this blog in 2012 have my posts included the word licorice, once in 2016 and once in 2017. I know this because I searched for the word, using the search feature (on the right side in desktop applications or at the top on devices such as smart-phones). I vaguely recall a software product that scans documents, even full-length books, and counts the number of occurrences of every word or, at the user’s discretion, all words except articles, prepositions, etc. I don’t recall what the product was called and I am not sufficiently curious this morning to search for it. I suspect several software applications can perform the task now. I think it would be interesting to see the results of a scan of this blog; a list of words I’ve used, ordered by frequency, for the past seven years. What might I do with such a list? I don’t know. Probably nothing of any consequence. It would simply satisfy my curiosity. I doubt I would find anything stunning in the list. But I would be intrigued to see whether my use of licorice is greater or less than my use of any other not-so-common word.  I’m easily amused, I guess.

***

When I saw reports on Facebook that indicated a survey showed that 51% of Americans opt to go swimming in a pool in lieu of taking a bath or shower, I immediately assumed it was pure B.S., just a joke. It just sounded absurd to me. Subsequently, though, I learned that it was reported as “fact” by some major news media outlets. A little checking uncovered that the survey leading to the startling conclusion was done by a PR firm that worked a questionable organization (the Water Quality & Health Council) sponsored by the Chlorine Chemistry Division of the American Chemistry Council. Yep. The entire thing was intended to prop up chlorine sellers. In this new age in which the president of the United States is modeling untruthfulness as if it were a virtue, low-life PR types hungry for money happily pay homage to such behavior.

***

As I am wont to do, I skimmed the BBC website this morning and came across an intriguing piece on dreams. Francesca Siclari, a sleep research doctor at the Lausanne University Hospital, is quoted in the article as saying: “Normally we dream most vividly in REM sleep, which is when the levels of noradrenaline are low in the brain.” That quote prompted me to ponder the plot line of a story in which a pair of rogue sleep researchers manipulate study subjects in ways that allow the researchers to create dreams. Through a complex set of other interventions, the sleep researchers capture information about the subjects’ personal lives. By manipulating both chemical levels of noradrenaline in the brain and interrupting periods of REM sleep, the researchers cause subjects to begin to confuse waking memories with dreams and vice versa. I haven’t gotten far enough along to know just where the plot might go, but I think it has some potential.

***

I am in favor of a national service requirement for young people. My support for the concept is relatively new; probably ten or fifteen years in the making. In my slow-to-develop thus still-nascent thinking on the matter, I envision a requirement that would enable young people to opt out, but if they did they would also opt out of social safety nets like Social Security, Medicare, health insurance (which, in my ways of thinking, is a national one-payer system), and various other programs and privileges and benefits. The idea is to make service the much more attractive option. Young people could choose any number of commitments, ranging from senior-care to support of environmental research to…you name it. I envision a fairly rigid environment, modeled after military basic training, to introduce the young people to self-discipline and social responsibility.

While I’m talking about a requirement for national service, I have no objections to a similar requirement for seniors. Not as demanding, perhaps, but something. Like 3 hours per week doing something in support of the community. This could be a requirement in order to receive full Social Security benefits. Again, the seniors could opt out, but their benefits might be curtailed if so.

Just thinking “aloud” here. “From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” I think all of us should be required, as members of society, to support the society that supports us. If you think socialism is a bad thing, think again. Socialism isn’t the problem; politically-diseased implementation of almost any political/economic/social system is the problem. Says me.

***

It’s only about a quarter after six. I’ve been up for well over two hours. Once I got up to go pee about 2:30, it was impossible to get back to sleep. It was the noise. I finally gave up just before four. I’m in the mood for food, but I’m not in the mood to cook it. Bah!

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A Little Reminiscence and Pandering

This morning’s installation ceremony for our newly-settled minister, who’s been with our church for more than a year, was more interesting and moving than I expected. Though I’m still biased against churches, as a class of institutions, in many ways, this church (Unitarian Universalist Village Church) refutes my bias. It is open and encourages free thought and intellectual growth. It readily accepts atheists and doesn’t try to change their minds, only to open them. But that’s not why I began writing this post. No, the weather triggered my decision to write.

Powerful storms are moving across the state. We’ve seen some pretty powerful cells move over us, causing strong winds, thunder, and torrential rain. At the moment, the rain seems to have let up, but cracks of thunder echo and roll at frequent intervals. I imagine more rain and wind will follow. Just now, a deep thunderous growl shook the house. I suspect the ground under the house flinched and winced at the sound.

Before the weather sidetracked my thoughts, I had planned to document my thoughts about meeting online connections in the flesh. I’ve written about the topic before, but I doubt I’ve completely emptied my thoughts on the matter onto the page. So I’ll have another go at it. Another online friend’s recent posts about meeting other online friends prompted me to think about it.

My first meeting with an online connection took place in New York City. There, I met Teresa, who lived in Syracuse. She made the trip to NYC at my behest. My wife thought I was out of my mind, wanting to meet someone who could be an axe murderer. “What do you know about her?” I didn’t know much. But I was relatively sure she was no axe murderer. She was intelligent, funny, witty, and a poet…possessing many of the qualities I like in a person. I enjoyed my online chatter with her so much that I thought I might be in love with her, which could create an awkwardness of enormous proportions in a face-to-face meeting in the presence of my wife. But it turned out that I was just enamored with her, not in love with her. At least not in the traditional sense. That meeting, and the subsequent meeting, with her was exhilarating. I absolutely LOVED meeting someone I’d only known online. We had drinks, dinner and then during another meeting we rode the train together for a short time during a sad time when we transported my deceased brother-in-law’s ashes from Boston to Aurora, Illinois. I still wish I could find a way to join her on her annual travels by train to Nova Scotia. Ideally, some of the bloggers and other online friends we share would come along. Phil. Bev? I don’t really know which ones we both know.

During our second trip when we met Teresa again, we met another online connection, Larry. Larry and I have a tremendous amount in common, though there’s a vast range of things we don’t share. For instance, he’s an accomplished guitarist; I’ve held a guitar once or twice. But he took us to a Greek bar for a look-see and gave us a tour of his neighborhood. And he introduced us to a restaurant that serves one of the best grilled octopus dishes I’ve ever had. He even offered us a place to stay, though circumstances conspired against that happening. Larry knows another of my connections, about whom I’ll write in a moment, Robin. They grew up together, I gather. The online and personal connections we share are amazing.

After Teresa, I had occasion to meet Kathy face-t0-face when I went to southern California to testify in a fraud case (in which, it turned out, I never testified). We planned to have dinner together, but the district attorney screwed that up by asking me to spend the evening talking about my testimony. Still, I met Kathy and her husband for drinks and we enjoyed a short visit.

Later, during a visit to northern California to visit my sister, I met Robin and her husband, Roger, and Tara in Sacramento. My wife and I took a train from Oakland (or was it San Francisco?) to Sacramento and had a wonderful lunch with the three bloggers. While we were there, we met our friends Bob and Susan, who had recently retired. And, then, we met another Kathy (whose last name I knew only at the last minute for good but what seemed like mysterious reasons) for breakfast.

Still later, we met another online friend, though not a blogger, in Florida during a  trip to visit my wife’s friends. This online friend, Juan, lives in New Port Richey, not far from the Tampa/St. Pete area. We went to his house and met him and his son and enjoyed drinks and conversation around his pool. We marveled at his lifestyle…the quirky college professor whose political views coincide almost perfectly with mine!

Oh, another one I’ve met face-to-face is Bill, aka William, a publisher who lives in Corpus Christi. I connected to him through Juan. And Bill asked me to submit something for inclusion in a compilation of materials from authors with Corpus Christi connections. So I did. And we went to Corpus Christi for the book launch, where I met Bill in the flesh.

Is it possible I’ve missed anyone? It is, but I hope I haven’t. I want to meet other of my online friends. I’d love to meet Chuck and Sid and Liz and Melodee and Cheryl and Steve and Jennifer and Phil and Chip and (of course) Bev. And Audra. And Sky. And Donna and Henry…the list is probably endless.

During the course of scanning my blog for mentions of other online connections, I somehow found myself at a post I wrote in July 2013, utterly unrelated to the topic at hand. I doubt anyone but me has ever seen that post and, perhaps, that will be the case henceforth and forevermore. But on the off chance that someone might read this post all the way through, I’m including a link to that post because, when I read it today, it brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know if that’s simply because it brought back memories or because it’s a piece of moving writing. If anyone is feeling generous, tonight, I’d love to get a reaction to what I wrote almost six years ago. Here’s the link: https://johnswinburn.com/unexpected-attachments/

I  hope you’ll forgive me for pandering. That one post just moved me. I wonder if anyone else finds it moving. I don’t get much feedback (which is okay, inasmuch as I don’t seek it). But sometimes it would be cool to know whether anyone reads what I write. And, if so, whether they find it a waste of their eyesight.

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Today’s Thoughtballs

Church demands my time twice this weekend. Today, our minister will be officially installed as the settled minister. While the concept hold little meaning for me, it apparently means a great deal to others, including the minister, so I will attend. I understand that selecting a minister as the settled minister establishes a special relationship between him or her and the congregation that simply engaging a minister on contract does not. Tomorrow is just another Sunday. Despite the fact that neither day involves a great deal of time at the church, both days do not belong to me in their entirety, thanks to church obligations. Obligations is too strong a word. Both days involve a self-imposed commitment that I could break without risking dislocation of the universe. But I have allowed myself to interpret a self-imposed commitment as an obligation. If I continue to do that, I will find myself resenting the church. This is something I need to work on.

***

My ultrasound is scheduled for Monday morning, after which I will come home and ready the smoker for the next day’s engagement: smoking a 5-pound (+/-) pork loin for Tuesday evening’s meal. The pork loin is the one a couple at our church purchased during last year’s church auction. They’re finally ready for me to deliver on Tuesday evening. And they generously invited my wife and me to partake, along with the minister and his wife. It should be a fun evening. The preparation of the pork loin will begin Monday afternoon, when I will start the process of brining it overnight. Then, on Tuesday, I will smear it with mustard and dust it heavily with rub. My rub is an off-the-shelf product to which I liberally add lots of pepper and a few other things. I’ll smoke it with a combination of mesquite and hickory chips.

***

The weather forecast for this afternoon and evening calls for thunderstorms which are expected to last through midday tomorrow. Then, we can expect more of the same, with only brief respites, through Wednesday. Assuming the forecasts to be accurate, a shaky assumption, I will be unable to spend much time working on the deck in preparation for the new contractor’s arrival next week. And I’ll be unable to spend time on other outdoor tasks that desperately need attention…mine or someone else’s.

***

The tasks requiring my attention around the house have taken on a new dimension of late. That’s because I’ve taken to watching, on occasion, an HGTV program involving people buying island properties. Most of the programs involve couples looking at condos on islands in the Carribean, though some are set in other places. Condos. My wife and I got married in her one-bedroom condo in Houston. It was a converted apartment complex. I’ve always thought of condos as apartments. Which, basically, they are. But I’ve begun to look at the idea of purpose-built condos with excellent sound insulation with a degree of interest. Especially if the condo happens to be located on a body of water with miles of sandy beaches.  I had no such interest until I started watching this HGTV series (I’m not sure what it’s called or when it airs; obviously, I don’t pay close attention). But the few programs I’ve seen have begun to change my mind about condos, at least about condos located in tropical paradises that are not (yet) awash in tourists and cruise ships. What I find most appealing is the absence of responsibilities for exterior maintenance. But the proximity to a walkable beach is rather attractive, too. Regardless of how attractive beachfront condos are, though, they are out of my reach. Because money. Or, rather, the lack thereof.  I really do wish there were a black market in souls; there are days I think I’d sell mine.

***

A Little Rock television station has reported two interesting mercantile stories within the past several days. Both Trader Joe’s and Costco are said to be evaluating the possibility of building their first Arkansas stores in Little Rock. I hope the stories are true. And I hope the decisions come soon and are in our favor.

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Fixation

Time is malleable. Time is not malleable. Both statements are true. Which one is true for a given set of circumstances depends on context. For example, an hour has meaning on planet Earth, but that measurement is either meaningless or means something quite different on planet Jupiter. You and I base our common understanding of time on the relationship between the Sun and the Earth. A being on planet Jupiter would have no such understanding; or, the relationship between the Sun and Jupiter would define time differently. That is, time is malleable in those circumstances. But time is not malleable in the sense that we have no control over it, regardless of where we are.

Time is infinite. Time is not infinite. If we define time in a way that does not depend on the relationship between astronomical bodies or, in fact, any other relationships, then time can be said to be infinite. Time simply is, though how we define time in such a way is a little beyond me. But if time depends on those relationships, time will exist only as long as those relationships exist. Once the sun’s fuel is exhausted, time goes with it, at least as far as planet Earth is concerned.

A few years ago, I wrote that “time manifests itself physically in the changes that take place in entities subject to its passage.” I went on to suggest that we know time exists not because we can observe it but because we can observe its effects. I compared time to black holes; astronomers impute their existence not by seeing them, but by observing their influence on objects around them.  Later (or it may have been earlier…I’m too lazy to look), I wrote about time crystals, a newly-discovered form of matter that apparently exhibited a special form of perpetual motion.

It occurred to me just a while ago that I don’t recall ever having read the definition of time, so I looked it up in Merriam-Webster. Although there are many, many definitions assigned to the word, the two components of the first entry are closest to what I was looking for:

1: the measured or measurable period during which an action, process, or condition exists or continues : DURATION
2: a nonspatial continuum that is measured in terms of events which succeed one another from past through present to future

Neither element of the definition satisfies me. The first one suggests measurement of…time. So, hidden inside the definition of the word is the concept I’m trying to define. The second one again relies on relationships that incorporate the concept of time: past, present, future. And it, too, indicates measurement which depends on what? Time.

I’ve reached the conclusion that time is an artificial construct designed to give sentient beings a way to bring a sense of order to an existence characterized by chaos. But, again, that sense of order relies on the concept of what happens first, what happens next, etc. And that implies before and after, concepts rooted in the understanding of time.

I’m not sure why I’m so fascinated with the concept of time. I’ve written about it often; probably a dozen or more posts devoted to the topic or, more likely devoted to something else but hijacked midstream by the unrelated concept of time.

Years ago, I was absolutely enchanted by science fiction books. But that interest has waned over the years. I feel it coming back, though. Not reading science fiction, but writing it. As I periodically delve into the concept of time, I find myself manufacturing ideas that would fit nowhere but else but science fiction. But, then, the concept of time crystals is not fiction but is a real idea from theoretical physics. Even before I came across time crystals, I had written an absurd fantasy piece about the physical attributes of time. Lately, as I contemplate time and its physical attributes 😉 I sense that I may want to climb inside a magical machine that will allow me to travel to the far side of time, giving me a good close-up look at the inner-workings of the enormous celestial clock that measures our days. It’s a time fixation, I guess, superimposed over a science fiction fantasy. Maybe involving a time-traveling linguist and his theoretical physicist girlfriend. Now, my question is this: is she theoretically a physicist girlfriend or a girlfriend who’s a theoretical physicist?

It’s time I stop writing before I make myself inconsolably sad.

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Worry Does No Good

Most of the time, I succeed at keeping my health off my mind. But sometimes the topic surfaces and swings a machete, as if it has been waiting just beneath the surface of my consciousness for the the ideal time to slash at me with a hatred unequaled in the universe.  In those moments, waves of hopelessness wash over me. I feel like I have no control over whether my body will give me another twenty years or another twenty seconds.

But I do have control and I know it. Not absolute control, but enough to dramatically increase my chances for longevity if I would only exercise that control. Exercise. The use of that word is coincidental, isn’t it? I should get regular exercise. Eat better. Reduce my intake of alcohol. Buy and try horse liniment on my awfully arthritic joints, the stuff a woman recommended to our minister.

Regardless of knowing I have a degree of control, and knowing what I should do, I have assiduously avoided those reasonable courses of action.  And I see no especially meaningful indication I will embark on that life-affirming change of habit and behavior. Instead, the evidence suggests I will continue just wishing. Just hoping. Not praying. But that might come next. Anything, it seems, other than the self-discipline and self-love, if that’s what it would be, to move me toward salvation. No, not that kind. Personal salvation. That kind.

I think part of the issue is this: it seems I keep getting hints from my body that lung cancer was just one of my problems. More recently, thanks to the x-ray my oncologist ordered but never bothered to tell me about, I am concerned about gall-stones. Or other maladies that could befall me. Thanks, in large part, to those damn bad habits over which I seem unable to exercise any self-control. Eating. Drinking. Vegetating. Avoiding exercise and motion and other such activities that might debate my mind about my body’s slothfulness. The exercise avoidance is actually a matter of getting incredibly winded after only mild exertion. For example, I just can’t seem to catch my breath for several minutes after I walk up the driveway to take the trash to the street for pickup.

Back to my health. I shouldn’t be worried, based on what the doctors tell me, but sometimes I do, anyway. Even though it’s been only two months since I completed my cancer treatments (I finished radiation first, then chemo shortly thereafter), I find myself wondering whether “they might have missed something.” And even if not, I learned shortly after my diagnosis that lung cancer tends to recur, either locally or at distant sites in the body. I read an article online this morning that includes these statements: “In fact, many patients with NSCLC have been cured by surgery. However, there are also many cases that fail to achieve a cure following surgery. In fact, 30% to 55% of patients with NSCLC develop recurrence and die of their disease despite curative resection.” Those significant percentages, I guess, contribute to my ongoing sense of…what is it…not really fear, but worry…or something. Not panic…I don’t know. Something. I know I should just get over it. There’s nothing I can do to stop cancer if it’s in my body. But, then, I keep going back to what little I’m doing about my overall health.

I hope these moods, whatever they are, don’t last forever. I hope I can get over the periodic feelings of hopelessness. Fortunately, those feelings don’t last long. But they seem to be more frequent and longer-lasting now than they were a month or two ago. I may be overstating what I’m feeling, too. I don’t think hopelessness is quite the right word. Maybe melancholy or despondency fit better. Or simply sorrow. Whatever the word, I need to find a way to put an end to those sensations. They haven’t interfered with anything but my mood so far, but I worry that they might. There’s that word again: worry. Worry does no good. I know this, intellectually. My emotions, though, seem to override my intellect far too often.

Damn. I need to get on with my day and wash this gloom out of my mind. I should replace my gloom with good news. I hired a handyman to work on the deck, replacing the people I fired. He will start on June 3 and expected the job to take three days. Good news. I hope. And I’m going to lunch with a friend today and out to dinner with my wife and, maybe, her sister tonight. The sun is shining. The temperature is moderate. Lots to be happy about. So get on with it, John!

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2900 and Then Some

I’m typing post number 2,900 and you’re reading the very same one. Just 100 more and I’ll have published 3000 posts here. Add 2,100 more posts and I’ll have reached 5,000. You can do the math. Keep adding large round numbers and, eventually, you’ll reach 10,000. Multiply that number by 10 and the magic number, 100,000 will have been reached. But that’s putting the cart before the horse, isn’t it? I mean, as of today, I’m 97,100 away from achieving magic. Math. It’s a wonderful thing.

***

I am sore today. My muscles and joints ache, thanks to the fact that I spent the day yesterday sanding the deck (but only for a while) and, then, removing the “steps” from the deck. The steps comprise rotted and rotting two by six boards, each sixteen feet long. They were (and some still are) affixed to an underlying structure with long, square recess heads (also called Robertson heads). The heads of virtually all the screws were (are) buried under layers of paint. Most were further concealed by wood fibers that had filled in the space on top of the heads. And the vast majority were either rusted through in the thread length. Or the head was so badly rusted that the square recess dissolved into a round hole when I attempted to remove the screw from the wood. I spent almost the entire day removing just two sixteen foot boards. I still have one to go, plus the structure upon which the two by sixes sat. And then some. Plus, many more deck boards must be removed. I’m trying to get someone to either help me or, better yet, do the work for me. We’ll see. I am unsuited to this work. Five years ago, I would have been better-suited. But not today. Ach!

***

My wife prepared ahi tuna burgers for dinner last night. No buns, just the burgers. We had liked them at some point in the past. And they were not bad last night. Just rather bland.  You’ll notice the photo to the left is not an ahi tuna burger. It is a poached egg sitting atop a mass of sauteed mushrooms and cherry tomatoes. The green bits are chives from our limited herb garden. The strips that look like shredded parmesan are, in fact, shredded parmesan. I took the photo yesterday morning after I prepared breakfast. Yes, that’s yesterday’s breakfast. I’m not really sure what a photo of yesterday’s breakfast has to do with last night’s ahi tuna burgers, but it seemed appropriate to post it alongside the tuna conversation.

***

I will visit my dental hygienist around midday today. She will clean my teeth and will chastise me for failing to spend four to six hours every day on tooth and gum care. If I spent as much time and energy on my teeth and gums as she would like me to do, my teeth would be sparkling ivory sabers protruding from muscular gums so strong and powerful I could chew razor blades and still do no damage to my mouth.

The woman probably will not mention the football-field-wide diastema between the two top front teeth. I’ve wondered, from time to time, how she would respond if I told her I would like to speak to the dentist about addressing the diaspora between my teeth. “You mean diastema?” She might say that. Or she might simply let it go and leave the room to go tell the dentist. I would then hear loud, unrestrained laughter  from a nearby office. And the dentist and the hygienist would, from that point forward, consider me educationally challenged.

That’s it for now. I have fiction on my mind, but it’s not suitable for general audiences. I’ll have to clean it up before I post it here.

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Grace, Youth, and the Pain of Wisdom (and Raccoons)

Last night, I watched part of a 60 Minutes segment that profiled a Wisconsin program called The Restorative Justice Project and some of the people who have participated in it. I haven’t watched 60 Minutes in years. I used to watch it every Sunday. But for some reason it lost its appeal. Or I lost interest. At any rate, I watched it last night. I’m glad I did.

I was moved by victims of crimes—people who lost family members to murder, for example—forgiving the people who killed their loved ones. It doesn’t sound reasonable as I write the words, but it most definitely was when I heard them. People whose lives had been turned upside down—people who had become bitter and enraged—found some sense of peace when they realized the criminals who had hurt them so badly were humans, too. I don’t know that I could reach that point. I don’t know that I could forgive someone for such a horrific act. But I deeply admire people who can. And I admire people who acknowledge that hatred is a self-defeating emotion. I want to acknowledge that. Better still, I want to learn enough from that knowledge that my behavior changes. I don’t know that it will, though. I’ve tried before. It has never worked. Maybe it’s because of my fundamental flaws. I hate to think that, too.

Forgiveness is much more valuable to the one who forgives than to the one who is forgiven. That’s a lesson I learned years ago, but I hope it might finally have sunk in. Old age, more so than youth, tends to enable one’s brain to accept wisdom.

***

I fired the deck scraping/painting/repair contractor yesterday. By proxy. That is, his wife brought the paint and collected what I owed him. She apologized profusely and said she understood why I was so unhappy with him/them. But I don’t think she really understood. She didn’t seem to grasp how frustrating it has been for me to be told to expect them to show up by noon (or on Thursday)…and that time or that day passes without a phone call and without anyone showing up.

“I don’t like to set specific times to expect us because we never know how long a job might take us.” I told her I could not fathom how she could have even said that. She wanted me to give them another chance. I told her I had given them multiple chances and had asked them to let me know if they would be late or  would not make it; they never bothered to call or text, they just didn’t show. No more chances. She claimed her husband had given me receipts for extra sandpaper totaling almost $35. I told her I would pay the claimed $35, but he had given me only one receipt, from Walmart, for $7.95 for sandpaper. Though I now have to come up with an alternate way of getting the deck repair finished, I feel better knowing that I won’t have to build my schedule around people (at least those people) who won’t show up.

Maybe I can do the work myself, after all. I feel slightly stronger and have a little more stamina than I did when I hired them to do the job.

I find it somewhat odd that I am moved by the Restorative Justice Project, yet I can’t find it in myself to forgive the deck repair contractor. There’s something buried in my psyche that sees but does not fully respond to the irony in my conflicting emotions surrounding these two matters. What did I say a few minutes ago? “Forgiveness is much more valuable to the one who forgives than to the one who is forgiven.” Uh huh.

***

Elementor is software that, I was told, is much easier to use and is more versatile than the native WordPress editor. I tried it with this post. I did not like it. Perhaps it’s because I don’t know it well enough. At any rate, I tried it and decided to switch back to the WordPress editor. I may give it another shot, sometime soon. But not now. No, now it’s time to talk raccoons.

Because, you know, those damn raccoons! Yes, they’re here (they’ve probably never gone anywhere). And they took advantage of the fact that I left a single hummingbird feeder out last night. This morning, I noticed it was not hanging where it should have been. I walked out on the deck and looked over the edge. There, about 20 feet below me, was the hummingbird feeder, in pieces. I will retrieve it later today and will find out whether it is broken. It could be that the top and bottom, which come apart so the feeder can be filled, simply separated. We’ll see.

I did not see raccoons attack the feeder. But circumstantial evidence is enough to convict them of the crime. I am certain the feeder was not tossed to the ground by foxes or coyotes or turkeys. Bears did not climb up onto the deck, nor did bobcats or mountain lions or zebras. It was one or more raccoons. The bastards!

It’s a pain in the ass to have to bring in the hummingbird feeders every night. I really ought to figure out a way to make them inaccessible to raccoons, yet readily viewable, both to the birds and to us. Not bloody likely.

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