Ethereal Normal

The concept of “normal” is fiction. There is no steady state that conveys a sense of normalcy. Normalcy can be understood only in a context of unending change. Chaos, in other words. The moment we think we have entered a smooth state of normalcy, which we equate with routine, internal or external forces interrupt that state. The apple cart loses a wheel or  the cart’s driver gets annoyed or drunk or both. Crushed apples and disappointed teachers litter the landscape.

The “new normal,” another brand of chaos, is just as ethereal as the old normal, just dressed in gauze of a different color. It consists of a repaired apple cart, driven by a Buddhist teetotaler who, when things appear to have settled down to a reliable routine, will be charged with either murder or manufacture of methamphetamine in a middle school art studio.

I wrote not long ago that fiction is truth clothed in costumes. If I am right that normalcy is fiction, then normalcy is chaos dressed up to look like serenity. Another assertion I made when I wrote about truth in costumes seems to apply here: normalcy is the view of serenity from the other side of the mirror.

If I knew myself better, I could write myself into a story as protagonist. But without knowing a character’s motives and what drives his reactions to his version of normal, a story is saddled with a wooden, two-dimensional character. I know more about characters I’ve written than about me. Of course some of those characters may have arisen from seeds planted in my mind and nurtured with the same nutrients that sustain me.

 

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If Nothing Else (Say, Armed Insurrection), Buy Stamps

Until the psychopath in the White House has been removed, the chances of a recovery from the COVID-19 pandemic are slim. His vacillation between one set of false assertions and the next, his tendency toward chaotically churning lies, and his willingness to blatantly disregard everyone more competent than himself (i.e., every living human) all contribute to the likelihood of a dark future. Only if people with expertise in medicine and biology, healthcare policy, and economic policy are allowed to take control of the country’s response to the pandemic do we have a chance of recovery. Judging from his history of utter failure in every aspect of his presidency, he will not permit knowledgeable people to take charge. And his Republican enablers in Congress are just as much to blame as the man to whom they bow and scrape. Eventually, I think, the chief incompetent and his sniveling worshipers will be turned out by fed-up American voters, but that may be too late.

Democrats in Congress share the blame, as well. I would like to examine the voting records of every Representative and Senator, after first reading through the unnecessarily complex language of legislation (designed, in my opinion, to hide vast amounts of corrupt rewards for political favors). I suspect an overwhelming majority of members of Congress have engaged in deeply corrupt practices, even while promoting and supporting some legitimately beneficial legislation in the process.  But the argument that “I should not be punished for stealing your car because I used it once to take food to the needy” is not sufficient to avoid prosecution.

This morning, I feel very much the cynic. Not about all people, but about damn near all politicians. It is as if involvement in governance exposes participants to diseases that damage their moral core. They may enter the fray with good intent that, unfortunately, succumbs to enticements to the exercise of greed.  More often than not, though, I’m afraid people enter politics knowing full well it is a dirty, disgusting racket. The good politicians, the ones who truly want to serve the people and do good, have to fight tooth and nail to retain their dignity and decency in a cesspool of corruption; maintaining one’s honor while actually accomplishing positive actions for the people is an almost superhuman endeavor.

The pandemic and its ramifications have the potential of remaking our society into something of which we can be justly proud. I’d like to think that is exactly what will happen. But I’m afraid I’m not only a cynic this morning, I’m a pessimist, too. We have to keep trying, but I’m afraid the effort is akin to fighting to put out a thousand-acre ocean of burning gasoline with a wet napkin.

***

In spite of my very sour, somber mood this morning, I was moved by something I read on the NPR website. There’s a movement afoot to save the U.S. Postal Service by encouraging people to go online and buy stamps. The USPS is suffering enormous losses, thanks to mail volume drying up in the face of the coronavirus. The movement, encouraged through the hashtag #BUYSTAMPS, is attempting to save an institution we depend on for communication. Regardless of how much we have shifted to electronic communication, mail delivery remains absolutely vital. Our idiot-in-chief doesn’t give a damn, though. Yet another reason to support it with significant purchases. I plan to go to USPS.com today and buy some stamps.

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Talking to Myself

I have started, and in a few cases finished, several new posts over the last several days that have yet to be published. Even the “finished” posts, though, are incomplete. There is something about the words I have written or the messages I have tried to capture that is not quite right. Or not quite finished. Or not worthy of sharing. Or too revealing of my emotions. Or too raw. Or something. By writing this post, I’m attempting to force myself to figure out just what it is that is keeping me from posting those drafts. Unlike unfinished pieces of fiction, which I readily share because…why not…these drafts are too personal to share before I am absolutely certain they reflect what I am thinking or feeling. I do not want to say something, publicly, that I would later feel compelled to retract as an erroneous expression of an incomplete thought.

But are those reasons I’ve just given myself really true? Am I simply deluding myself? Or am I engaging in a flat-out lie? I need to explore the posts more thoroughly. And I need to examine my reasons for writing what I wrote.

To start, here are the titles of the posts in question:

  • Swinburn’s Law of Antagonistic Surrender
  • A Life in Disarray
  • In More Normal Times
  • Bodily Adherence to the Mind’s Commands

But as I examine all the drafts in my drafts folder (353 at the moment), I realize it’s not just the non-fiction that I’ve opted not to share or not to finish or both. There are plenty of pieces of fiction I have yet to post, including these recent ones:

  • Gerund the Fabulist
  • Liam’s Life
  • March on Mar-a-Lago
  • Sarah

Some of the language in the fiction could get me in trouble with the American Gestapo, so I think I know the reason I have chosen not to post those pieces. And one of the vignettes (Sarah) bothers me because it tries to be funny but fails (Sarah’s last name is Femm, which gives another character license to harass her mercilessly).  The other fiction is just not ready yet; even more unfinished than most of my unfinished fiction.

But back to the non-fiction. As I skimmed those pieces just now, every one of them is incomplete. Every one is missing crucial elements that would finish them. Yet I do not know if I will ever incorporate those elements because… I do not know. There are enormous hurdles standing in the way, between me and their completion, that I do not have the mental energy or the stamina to clear. It is not that I do not have the strength to do it; it’s just that I don’t have the drive, I guess.

The reality of writing—my writing, at least—is that some of it is so poor that an enormous amount of drive (mental energy, stamina, call it what you wish) would be required for it to achieve adequacy, much less superiority. But the ideas contained in even bad writing are sometimes so appealing that it is hard to let drafts die. An intelligent writer would simply extract those ideas and save them for another piece of work. But I let them linger in drafts until either I delete the drafts or stumble upon them, read them, and realize all I need to do is take the ideas and insert them into another story.

Laziness. That’s part of it, too. The work involved in finishing drafts or polishing finished pieces is sometimes too much; laziness prevents me from injecting the necessary amount of energy into the process.

This post is just another excuse. It’s okay to simply take a break from writing for as long as necessary to rekindle the fire. Just jot notes when ideas form to ensure they do not get lost. And, then, when the mood strikes, retrieve the notes; use the ones that remain of interest and write. Keep the other notes, too, in case they fit another mood or another story. Just don’t feel compelled to write or to finish. Relax. Take a breath. Take a walk. Retreat for a while. And then critically judge drafts or unpublished pieces. Do not feel compelled to post them. If they are not worth posting, delete them. And go through the posts already on the blog and delete the ones that should never have been posted. A leaner blog is probably better, anyway.

Now, have another cup of coffee and consider big questions.

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Forty Years On

Today, my wife and I celebrate our fortieth anniversary. Celebrate may be too strong of a word; a celebration suggests more than a nice dinner at home. Yet that’s the plan. Because of the pestilence. But a nice dinner at home will be a very special dinner at home; my wife’s homemade lasagna, the very best lasagna I’ve ever tasted. So, I suppose it is a celebration. Remembering forty years (and then some) of coping with adversity and celebrating spectacular good fortune. We’re both different people today than we were forty years ago. But we’re different people who have been changed, in large part, by the changes in one another. Forty years of sickness and health, time to love and to cherish, leading up to the beginning of the next forty years. Maybe not forty more, but many more, I hope.

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Mirror a Character

Ekstrom Noble. Lavender Bridge. Linoleum Price. Stricklin Barber. These people live beneath the dura mater, that outermost meningeal layer that that would protect my brain if my skull chose to abandon its role in that regard. Perhaps “live” is the wrong term. Perhaps “occupy” would more correctly describe their existence. And whether they reside just beneath the dura mater or deeper still, between the next two meningeal layers, or hide even deeper, I do not know. I suspect, though, they inhabit an imaginary space as yet undiscovered by neurologists and biochemists. They—meaning Ekstrom and Lavender and Linoleum and Strickland—are not alone there. An almost endless cast of characters join them there, wherever “there” is. Brighton Davis spends time there. So does Lina Lindström and Kolbjørn Landvik and Calypso Kneeblood and Fracas Edward Schlattery, Jr. and dozens more. And there was Garcia; just Garcia. He was gunned down in the first chapter of a book I never finished (one of many). But he was a central character in the book, all the way through to the end that was never written. He was the legend around whom the lives of the other main characters revolved.

The only discernible link between them are their unusual names. And, of course, the fact that they exist only in my mind and, occasionally, in my writing. I often wonder why I seem to be fascinated by characters with unique names. I suspect uncommon names lend an air of mystery to them, even before I flesh out their personalities. And I must want or need them to be unique, counteracting the drabness of their proletarian creator.

I could spend days and days and days creating the histories of these invisible people, beginning with their places of birth and their early lives. In fact, I have spent considerable time delving into the backgrounds and experiences of people whose minds work, in some ways, like mine. I know, for example, that a broken man whose last name is Truman but whose first names change depending on circumstance took his girlfriend, Cinnamon, to a hospital emergency room in Houston. The trip to the ER was immaterial to the story, if I recall it correctly, but I needed to know about it in order to know Truman well enough to show his descent into a turbulence of his own making.

Hmm. As I think about these characters, it occurs to me that their names are not the only links between them. Their troubled lives connect them. The circumstances in which they find themselves, though radically different from person to person, are difficult. In some cases, their circumstances are intolerable in the extreme. If I were to document their lives in sufficient detail so that they could fit into a story, the story would be very long indeed. Light-years long. And if their lives were intertwined, the story would form an epic soap opera, far more intense and improbable than Days of Our Lives or General Hospital or The Edge of Night. Odd that I recall the names  of those soap operas. I never watched them, but I knew of them.

I have better things to do today than reminisce about under-developed characters in unfinished stories. But the fiction inside my head sometimes is more appealing than the reality in my field of view and certainly more attractive than the character in the mirror. I can engage in conversation with the characters in my head and, if I’m careful, I can confront the more dangerous ones without being injured or killed.

Rod Serling was good at describing a world in which the impossible was commonplace. My mind is like that, but I lack either the patience or the skill to pull it off. In Serling’s world, a man could throw a stone at his own image in the mirror and the glass would shatter the man into a million shards. I do not own such a mirror.

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Insomnimania

Yesterday, I smoked a brisket, an eleven-plus pound beast that barely fit in the little electric smoker. In days gone by, I would have spent the entire day burning mesquite logs to heat the heavy steel firebox of an offset smoker. But yesterday, I entered an electronic temperature setting and loaded mesquite chips every few hours until a digital thermometer signaled me that the desired internal temperature of the meat had been reached. Though the old style was more difficult and time-consuming, it yielded better flavor and a greater sense of accomplishment. The flavor of yesterday’s endeavor was very good, just not as good as the meat that resulted from the more involved process. But that may not be true. Expending considerable effort sometimes enhances its own rewards; I can’t compare two briskets, prepared by different methods, side-by-side.

The effort involved in the “old style” of smoking a brisket would have engaged my mind in a way yesterday’s did not. That’s not true, either. My mind would not have been engaged. It would have been otherwise directed. Maybe sedated is the word. My thoughts would have been muffled beneath a layer of internal directions to perform repetitive mechanical tasks. Anesthesia by routine. Instead, the wonders of modern technology enabled me to smoke a brisket, cook a pot of beans, and pickle the beets to accompany the meal with little effort, leaving me plenty of time to dwell on economic turmoil, physical challenges, mental distress, and personal failings. Luddism has its benefits.

I’ve been up almost three-quarters of an  hour. I wish I could go back to sleep, but that’s not in the cards. It’s approaching 4:40. I am not in the mood to write, nor read, nor think. I would like to simply empty my mind and sleep, but I cannot shut off the switch that keeps thoughts racing through my brain. My mind is in mania mode. Now may be a good time to watch another episode of The Good Fight.

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A Stretch of Beach

A long stretch of desolate beach, barely visible in the budding sunrise. Miles of sand, unsullied by tire tracks or footprints. Early in the morning, before the heat of the day causes gusty winds, the stillness of the air is otherworldly. Pelicans glide near the surface of the water, almost touching the ripples of waves, searching for food.

I am utterly alone in this picture in my mind. I am on this beach, watching the day begin to unfold. The desolation and isolation and emptiness seems to me a gift. Here, there are no worries. There is only this beach and its natural inhabitants. I am at peace here, watching crabs scurry across the sand. They belong here and so do the clams burrowing into the sand. And then there is me, the only unnatural inhabitant.

The realization that this place pleases my senses and softens my mood and brings to me a sense of serenity bothers me because I do not belong here. I am an intruder, an interloper who in that realization rightfully feels ill at ease in the presence of creatures that do belong here. I am embarrassed at my comfort where I am out of place.

I do not belong anywhere. Two hundred thousand years ago, I would have belonged on this beach. I would have belonged anywhere I could roam. I would have been a natural inhabitant seeking food and shelter. Whether my emotions would have been the same as the ones I feel today I do not know. But I can imagine seeking solace in desolate places, looking for a small group of creatures like me whose wonder at the universe around me would mirror mine.

Solace. That’s an odd word to use in connection with early humans. I wonder whether early humans needed to be comforted in their pain? Are other animals really different from us? When whales or pelicans or foxes are injured, do they simply soldier on through the pain, or do they feel a need for others of their kind to comfort them? I tend to anthropomorphize animals. But I think the concept should be turned on its head. Perhaps humans’ need for solace arises from our origins deep in the animal kingdom. We simply honed a want into a necessity; craving became a condition for life, like breathing.

I am no longer particularly concerned about the pandemic. I am satisfied to stay at home and let the world spin as it will. While I’d rather not go out to pick up groceries or medicines or mail, I do. That, too, is a necessity. I would rather ride out the pandemic on on a secluded stretch of sand, though. But I would feel just as out of place there as I feel anywhere else.

Humans have outlived our utility. We have raided and pillaged the planet on which we and so many other species depend. It is an embarrassment to life that we have done such unspeakable damage to our only home. And the damage has invaded us, as well. We have damaged our minds and we are unable to repair them. We seem unable to return them to a natural state. We are beyond atonement for what we have done. Departure is the only redemption available to us. But we won’t go. Because we are self-centered and egotistical and convinced of our superiority over every other living thing. I thing we are Nature’s most visible mistake. We represent Nature’s extraordinary complexity gone horribly awry. We could have become gifts to life on Earth. Instead, we became deadly parasites.

Despite all this, I long for that desolate beach. The isolation and the glorious sunrise and the soft sounds of gentle waves lapping the shoreline at this early hour call out to me. In spite of my role as an intruder, if I have to be an intruder, that is where I want to do it. I suppose I’ll have to just let my fantasy play out in my head, because I cannot get to that beach. I don’t even know where to look. Humans have invaded beaches that once were pristine, empty places that welcomed us, as long as we promised to visit and leave. But when we decided to move in and take over the shoreline, those desolate, isolated, soul-nourishing beaches disappeared. In my mind, though, they still exist. I will go there.

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Scraps of Compassion

Death steals from us, leaving only shadows and memories. Those fragments of the past are wholly inadequate to replace the vibrancy lost to the endlessness of forever.

John Prine died yesterday. I never saw John Prine in concert, but I listened to his music thousands of times. And on occasion I watched videos of his live shows. He and Leonard Cohen were polar opposites in many ways, but I consider both of them poets of unmatched depth. They plumbed my emotions so completely that I considered each of them my closest friends, even though we never met. Their minds went to the same places mine goes. We conversed without speaking to one another. I read their minds. Or they read mine. John Prine’s death diminishes me in a way I cannot put into words. John Donne understood, though his poem addressed the loss brought about by the death of each person:

And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

Gloom seems to be washing over us with each passing day. The planet was sullied with the presence and power of Trump. Then the coronavirus swept across the planet. What will be the third most recent unspeakable horror, the one that will finish us? Are these plagues messages sent by Nature, urging us to abandon the planet before the planet abandons us? On the one hand, I do not for even a moment believe Nature or any unseen, all powerful being is urging  us on toward universal genocide. But on the other, I wonder about the statistical probabilities of wave after wave after wave of natural phenomena that challenge humankind’s existence. These waves have washed over us for centuries; nevertheless, we persisted. Hah. A little word play on the pointlessness of our attempts at relevance. I have tried to put a positive spin on this most recent calamity; cleaner air, clearer water, less crime, etc., etc., etc. Yet my assessment always comes back to the conclusion that Earth would be a better place without humans. Some of us claim, with great fervor, that we need to take better care of Mother Earth. The best care would be to stop destroying it through our continued presence.

So, how is it that I mourn the passing of John Prine, yet I suggest the world would be a better place if we all followed him? (Well, we all will, but I’m talking about something sooner than “eventually” after another hundred thousand generations.) I don’t know; I do not claim to be overflowing with logic this morning. Logic is not what fills my head; pain and anger and something to which I cannot attach a name clog my brain this morning. As they have many mornings of late. Not just mornings, either. Ach.

Maybe I mourn John Prine because of his humanity. He wrote “Hello in There.” That song is an ode to compassion. But it recognizes the flip side of compassion; neglect.  The lyrics tell that story; for example:

Old people just grow lonesome
Waiting for someone to say, “Hello in there, hello”

***

The air is mostly clear this morning. A few clouds. When will I look up,  wondering whether it’s a cloud blotting out the sun, only to see a sky filled with nuclear missiles?

***

Powerless. That’s how I might feel if I were to walk outside my house and see a crowd of people, each of them carrying assault rifles, chanting about the Second Amendment. But if I were to exercise my rights, under the same amendment, to brandish a nuclear weapon, I might not feel quite so impotent. What are “arms?” The right to bear arms. The etymologies of “arm” and “army” are quite similar; they are intertwined, in fact.  The Second Amendment was, from the beginning, an incomplete thought buried in a nonsensical sentence. It should be rewritten and replaced with a coherent message.

***

 

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The Breaking Point

Finally, months after the fact, we had Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, dressing, broccoli and rice casserole. But no cranberry sauce. No condiment tray. It was just the two of us, so pulling out all the stops would have been wasteful. The meat was just a fragment of the original bird; a frozen breast taken from the freezer and immediately placed in the oven. But the rest of the meal was prepared from scratch. Turkey remains, even after two full meals, but we finished the rest. Today, we’ll have turkey sandwiches for lunch. And that will be that. Thanksgiving 2019, late by four months and then some.

***

The weakness in my wife’s legs does not seem to be improving after a few sessions of physical therapy. She still cannot make it up or down even a single step without assistance. She tires after three minutes of walking. I worry that her condition may be permanent.  I hope I am wrong. I urge her to exercise to improve her strength and stamina, but she resists and get upset with me. Damn.

***

I have been saving some seeds lately. Tomatoes and jalapeños so far. I intend to save seeds from bell peppers and zucchini when next we have those vegetables. When I crack an egg, I wash the shell and keep it to use as a miniature seed starter. I fill it with potting mix, put a few seeds on top of the soil, cover the seeds with more soil, and spray water on the tiny planters. I won’t know for a week or more whether any of the seeds germinate. If they do, I will coddle them until they are of sufficient size and strength to put in larger containers. I may buy seeds from Burpee; my good friend suggested ordering online, since I am unable and/or unwilling to venture out during the plague to find seeds in stores crowded with virus-laden hillbillies.

***

I may change the settings on this blog to require a password to view the contents. Even the little traffic this blog gets seems to be coming from SEO factories that are trying to lure me back to them and their client websites. If the volume of the few regular visitors drops off because they do not want to be bothered with a password, so be it. I’m not in a compassionate mood at the moment.

***

It is too early to tell whether the massive disruptions to human life on earth visited upon us by COVID-19 will lead to a huge spike in suicides, but I believe the numbers will rise dramatically  in time. I’ve already forecast, on this blog, an increase. I thought I had, but I checked to see; it was in my March 20 post (and maybe others). When I searched for “suicide” in my blog posts, I was surprised to see the results: fifty posts contain the word. I am not fascinated by suicide, but I think I understand what drives people to decide it is their only option to relieve their pain.

***

I cannot say with certainty but I believe being “cooped up” is having an impact on my psychological well-being. I’m increasingly angry at nothing. I feel like screaming in rage at nothing in particular. I’m just mindlessly upset. I do not like being around myself when I’m in this odd, foul mood. If I could split myself into two people, one being calm and the other being a raving lunatic, I would do it. And then I’d drown the crazy or or throw him off the back deck. What the hell causes such obvious madness? Is it really just staying indoors? I could go out for a long walk, but leaving my wife home alone when she has such a hard time maneuvering steps is unacceptable. Ach! Meditation. Maybe that’s what I need. Meditation.  Or medication. A stiff drink before 6 a.m. I can’t even fathom a drink at this hour. But I can fathom a more relaxed me. This, too, shall pass. It always does. Well, it always has.

***

I shall stuff orange bell peppers with a heavily-spiced mixture of ground beef, rice, and canned tomatoes. I will roast said peppers and they will serve as dinner tonight. I am more in the mood for pasta, but that will wait until another time. Maybe I will be in the mood for stuffed bell peppers by dinner time. Maybe not. There’s no telling. Only time will tell. If anything does.

***

Coincidence can appear malicious. Accidents of time and inattention can seem deliberate. They may appear to be premeditated snubs meant to pick at wounds and rub salt in them. Assuming pernicious intent in its absence offers evidence of paranoia. Yet treating neglect as merely an unplanned oversight risks being blinded to reality. Sometimes, coincidence is not coincidental. Sometimes malice was, indeed, the point. The challenge is to determine whether a behavior, or its omission, sprang from a conscious decision or from oversight.

***

What does “at the breaking point” mean? Does it mean a person snaps, as in loses his mind? Goes stark-raving mad? Breaks plates and glasses? Or do those things happen only after a person PASSES the breaking point? How can one tell whether a person is AT the breaking point? These questions kept me awake for a while last night. But I slept until 4:00 this morning, after dozing off early and then, waking with those thoughts on my mind around 1:00. I was asleep again before 2:00, I think. But I have no way of knowing when I actually went to sleep again. Strange thoughts in my head at this hour. It’s closing in on 6:00 and I’m no more sane now than I was at 1:00. What the hell is “the breaking point?”

***

There is, within each of us, an aching need for an embrace. Not simply a hug, but a willing acceptance of all that we are; all the flaws, all the blemishes, all the tarnished achievements never made. We want, perhaps even need, hopeful signs that might dispel the notion that we are not good enough to be loved.

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Safe Places

Safe places are the stuff of folklore. They exist in ever smaller numbers today, numbers smaller than zero and with even less substance. Safety, always a figment of the imagination, has vaporized into an evanescent fantasy so vague and ghostly it is no more than a smudge of an outline in the fading distance.

The last vestiges of safety shriveled into dry, cracked leaves and blew away in the harsh winds of change, long before the crisis erupted into a fully-formed catastrophe. Today, only traces of the delusion remain, hidden in children’s books and deceitful spoken stories meant to reassure and comfort the young.

We lie to youth about danger, attempting to conceal from them the torment that will flood their brains when they learn the truth. When they learn about reality, they will remember our dishonesty. They will accord us the reverence and respect liars deserve. Yet we will wonder why they do not understand we were only trying to protect them, to shield them from the inevitable disappointment—to delay the outbreak of painful, excruciating knowledge that cannot be unlearned.

The problem with the illusion of safety is that it prevents the acceptance of danger as an ever-present companion. Rather than embracing the concept that we must be ever vigilant and prepared to confront and try to overcome danger, we believe the myth of safety. That belief lulls us into a sense that danger has been contained behind an imaginary wall, protecting us from its consequences.

Deep in the darkest, most inaccessible recesses of our brains, the phantasm of safety hides from reality, as if denial were an impenetrable vault. There, it slumbers in oblivious contentment, unaware that danger lurks just beyond consciousness. Abruptly, danger strikes, sharp teeth and claws piercing denial as if it were gossamer film. That sudden insight causes us to hemorrhage innocence. We survive only with a transfusion of treachery.

And the myth begins anew. We tell tales of safe places and lie to the children that everything will be all right. But it will not be all right. It has never been all right. Danger has always surprised its prey, crushing safety in its powerful jaws and swallowing the apparition whole.

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When the Clock No Longer Matters

The clock tells me it is just after seven o’clock on a Saturday morning. My brain tells me the time is much, much, much later than that. My brain tells me time no longer matters, because it’s too late. Too late for the clock to matter. Too late for time to have any bearing on what happens next. Too late for anything. Too late for everything.

The clock might as well be deconstructed into its original component parts: iron ore, petroleum…no, even earlier than that.

All the way back to the formation of the rocks that formed that ore.

All the way back to the point at which bodies of dinosaurs and the earliest plankton were settling at the bottom of seas that no longer exist, just beginning their journey toward forming petroleum that would, millions of years in the future, be extracted from the ground to make plastics.

Even earlier. As if “earlier” had any meaning in the absence of time.

Everything has origins. Multiple origins. Beginning with the stars of distant galaxies and culminating with the stunning combination of just the right processes and just the right ingredients and just the right environment and just the right time to result in…that spectacular something that captures one’s attention and holds it in awe.

What happens, though, when “just the right time” no longer exists? How does origin end? And when? “When” will no longer have meaning when time ceases to be. “Too late” evaporates into a meaningless mist.

Nothing will matter. Time will have scurried away toward the demise of everything. Origins will no longer have meaning, nor will endings. All the hopes and dreams and monumental expenditures of energy and passion that once drove humankind to expand beyond its capacity to survive will simply vanish. No tears. No expressions of mourning.

But there may be a seed left behind. A tiny seed that might recapture time and give it new meaning. A seed that, from the moment it arouses from the soil until it reaches maturity as a magnificent tree that reaches beyond the sky, will measure time and return it to its right course.

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Videoanalysis and Vegetables

Last night’s Zoom videoconference was successful and not-so-successful. I think it was successful in that the participants (including me) enjoyed the opportunity to see and hear the voices of people outside today’s limited personal spheres. We all shared a little bit of ourselves and enjoyed the uplifting mood. It was not-so-successful in that some, perhaps most, seemed a little awkward or uncomfortable in an environment in which the only commonality among them was the fact that they know me.

In hindsight, I think I should have refrained from asking the world, via Facebook, about its interest in joining a happy hour videoconference. A better approach might have been to invite smaller groups of people, all of whom shared some commonality aside from knowing me; church acquaintances in one group, past joint co-workers/friends in another, etc. Groups with something that binds them together besides simply being connected to me in some fashion. Live and learn, I suppose.

The group was smaller than the expected twenty-plus people who said they would join. The maximum number of people who joined the videoconference reached only eleven, I think. Even that number was a bit too large. Six or eight would have been a good limit.

A future teleconference, especially one of the size of last night’s (or larger), might be more successful if led by someone who’s more gregarious than I. While I think I did a half-way decent job of faking it, a truly gregarious facilitator would have done a much better job of engaging the participants and getting them to open up. My friend Jim, who was on the videoconference, would have been a far superior facilitator, for example.

As I sit here this morning considering last night’s experiment, I’m reaching the conclusion that me attempting a video “happy hour” with many people was slightly insane. I am an introvert, pure and simple. In face-to-face “happy hour” environments, I tend to stay at the periphery with a few people with whom I feel closer than to the rest of the crowd. Though I’m capable of engaging and putting on an act of being gregarious, it’s not really me. I don’t enjoy it. What in the world made me think I would enjoy hosting a “happy hour” in which I would facilitate conversation? Madness.

But I did enjoy it, because it gave me the opportunity to engage with people whose company I enjoy. Just not as much as I might have in a more intimate environment with a smaller, more close-knit group.

One final thought about videoconferencing. I do not like talking on the telephone. Why telephone calls are unappealing to me, I don’t know. But last night, after everyone but one other participant and I had left the conference, I realized I really enjoyed one-on-one video. It felt very much like I was having a face-to-face conversation. I felt the same earlier in the day, when my friend Jim connected with me via Zoom to demonstrate using different background images. It felt like we were in the same room. I’m going to explore whether other friends also use Zoom or are willing to give it a try.

***

Because I cannot get COVID-19 off my mind for a single minute, I have to write about it. At this very moment, I feel overwhelmingly sad about what has happened and is happening worldwide. We are in the midst of a pandemic that is wrecking lives and livelihoods. The virus is sickening or killing millions and is ruining economies and the individual lives that depend on economic stability. When I hear predictions of “when this is going to end,” I think to myself, “this will never end; its impacts will be felt forever.” The repercussions of this pandemic will last many years longer than I will. And in those years I (I hope) have left, my way of life may be so radically altered as to bear no resemblance to the one I had until now. I try not to worry, but I do, about my wife. She’s getting physical therapy two or three days a week and I am concerned that someone else in that office may be shedding the virus. And when I go out to the grocery store, which is a rarity, I  am concerned that I might bring the virus home with me. I try to religiously follow CDC guidelines, but I wonder whether I am doing enough, or following them properly. I know I must lift myself out of this; I cannot let my sadness blossom into depression. I know that. But I worry that it might. When I realize, as I do at this moment, that there’s not a waking moment that the pandemic is not at least in the back of my mind, I worry that it might. I’ll give it a week; see what I write seven days from now.

***

I’ll try, today, between taking my wife to physical therapy and re-recording my poem for the Sunday church service (apparently, the sound wasn’t quite right), to coax the basil and chives and jalapeño plants into thriving. I now wish I had someplace to do more full-scale gardening than the few pots on my deck. And I wish I knew where to buy seeds. The old ways don’t work anymore. Nurseries are no longer open. I don’t want to go to the Lowe’s garden section (it may not be open, anyway). I’ve taken to saving seeds from tomatoes in the hope they will germinate when I plant them and will produce enormous, healthy, wildly productive plants. I’ve always wanted a tractor and a huge, secluded place to till the land and grow a garden. So much for that fantasy. Now, I’d be happy to have a few more pots and a source for seedlings.

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Thought-Skipping

Today’s post is evidence of thought-skipping, that experience in which one’s thoughts skip across many subjects in a short period of time. It’s like a smooth, flat stone thrown across the surface of a body of still water, the forward force of the stone causing it to touch the water surface, break away, and touch the water again; sometimes for several iterations. I won’t document all the thought-skipping this morning; just two or three.

***

Yesterday’s post ended on a weakly upbeat note, suggesting people the world after COVID-19 might have different attitude, having been taught that we need one another. After reading and essay by Robert Malley and Richard Malley in Foreign Affairs, even my weak optimism fizzled into gloom, tinged with despair. The writers argue that developed countries, even though they face their own monstrous challenges with COVID-19, should supply massive aid to developing countries in the face of the pandemic. Their reasoning is that conquering COVID-19 only in some places of immediate concern to us (our own countries, that is) will result in its return. They go on to argue that:

Many developing countries could suffer massive death tolls, economic meltdowns, and skyrocketing unemployment and poverty. The resulting social upheaval could take many forms, from violent intrastate conflict to massive refugee flows, a growth in organized crime, or terrorist groups taking advantage of the spreading chaos—each of which could eventually affect Europe and the United States.

The reason for my gloom and despair is that the developed countries, including Europe and especially the U.S.A, will be unlikely to be able or willing to provide the massive aid needed by countries in which containment and mitigation are extremely difficult or impossible. In my opinion, humanitarian arguments will not be sufficient to assure the necessary aid. But neither will the practical arguments about potential effects in the developing countries.

In places where people live in crowded ghettos with no running water, insufficient toilet facilities, and unspeakable poverty, the idea of “shelter-in-place” is akin to a death sentence; with no income, even from salvaging and selling valuables from garbage dumps, staying at home means starvation and dehydration. But ignoring steps to minimize the spread of the disease is just as much a sentence to death. The only realistic alternative is the injection of historically enormous types and amounts of aid. Depleting our own resources to dangerously low levels may be the only way to save the world and ourselves.

I doubt we have the collective will to accept and, indeed, embrace the concept of dramatically lowering our standard of living to give millions and millions of the poorest of the poor a fighting chance to stay alive.

Pessimism is an unpleasant attitude to have about this pandemic, but optimism seems irrational and ill-informed. Pessimism seems more aligned with realism. But the world may surprise me. I hope it does. I hope humanitarian decency blossoms with such force that we will collectively vanquish COVID-19 and improve the lot of all the people in all the developing nations, all while we are saving ourselves. Hope. Pessimism. Realism. Hope.

A significant part of my pessimism is rooted in my sense of the world in which we live, defined by a word I learned earlier this morning. Read on.

***

I read the word for the first time, I think, this morning. The word “kakistocracy” was included in an online image; no context, just the word. Naturally, I looked it up. And I discovered there exists a word for our experience with governance today. We are living in a nation that gives life to the word;  a living, breathing  definition.

According to Merriam-Webster:

kakistocracy
noun
kakistrocracy: kak·​is·​toc·​ra·​cy | \ ˌkakə̇ˈstäkrəsē \
plural kakistocracies
Definition of kakistocracy: government by the worst people

***

This evening, I am hosting a Happy Hour Videoconference. Thus far, nineteen people (me included) on Facebook have expressed an interest. Only two of the eighteen are people I have never met face-to-face. That’s interesting to me. I don’t know what it means but it could mean many things. It could mean that people I’ve known personally miss personal connections that have been lost (for a relatively short while so far) to the COVID-19 pandemic. It could mean that people I have not met face-to-face but who are on Facebook do not regularly read my posts and are therefore unaware of the event. It could mean that people I have not met face-to-face are less likely to want to engage with “strangers” in a live video interchange. It could have no meaning at all; it’s just coincidental.  Time will tell.

***

I am in the mood to prepare a meal I’ve never prepared before. (That’s a remarkably dense statement, isn’t it? Of course I’ve never prepared the meal before if I haven’t yet prepared it!) Something that combines pasta with turkey broth and vegetables; maybe with some fresh mushrooms thrown in. The turkey broth includes quite a lot of tiny bits of meat from the turkey. (I smoked the turkey quite some time ago and boiled the carcass to make the broth; I strained the broth, then picked the remaining meat off the bones and cartilage. The broth, which had been frozen, has been thawing in the fridge for days.) Some red pepper flakes might be advisable, inasmuch as we like food that wake up our mouths. What other spices should I add? I don’t know yet. I think I’ll have to taste the concoction before deciding.  Okay. Time to quit this and start the day.

Posted in Covid-19, Food, Language | Leave a comment

Transforming the Way We Relate

Last night, I posted a comment and question on Facebook: “Let’s have a long distance happy hour soon. Wine (or tequila or bourbon or…) and munchies via Zoom! Say when, people! Tomorrow?

Nine people initially responded in the affirmative; an additional four “liked” the post, suggesting to me that they, too, might be interested. So, I scheduled a Zoom video-conference for tomorrow evening and sent an announcement to group members who responded. I look forward to seeing how it goes, assuming people actually connect.

This afternoon, I will go to the building that houses our church to be recorded as I read a poem I wrote about this strange new reality that has been visited upon us by the novel coronavirus. No, that’s not true. The poem is not about the new reality. It is about our reaction and response to the new reality.  The poem is based, in large part, on my post of March 18, Life in the Times of Pestilence. In fact, I gave the same title to the poem and used some of the same phrases I wrote for that post.

I video-recorded the same poem for Wednesday Night Poetry last week (was it last week?); the person responsible for recording Sunday services (now in the absence of the congregation) asked me to send him the video file so he could incorporate it into the video for last Sunday’s service. But my video file apparently was not compatible with church video files and so could not be used. I was asked to come read the poem at church so the file could be used for next Sunday’s service.

These two experiences amplify the reality we have been experiencing for a short while. I suspect the necessary isolation and distancing will continue for a good while; it could be months. It is possible the coronavirus will impact our lives for years. The virus may reshape the ways in which we interact with others.

I remember thinking, not long after reading recommendations from the Centers for Disease Control about maintaining at least six feet of separation from other people, that the recommendation might be harder in some cultures than in others. There’s a term in sociology, proxemics, which is the study of humans’ use of space and the impact that population density has on social interactions. I suspect epidemiologists’ recommendations about personal distance may influence cultural norms on “personal space.” In North America, “acceptable” distance between acquaintances engaged in conversation is about four feet. Italians, on the other hand, tend to be comfortable with closer proximity, two to three feet. Consequently, I think it may be harder for Italians to adapt than for North Americans; but it’s apt to be a challenge for both cultures. And I wonder whether, in another ten years, both North Americans and Italians will have adapted to greater physical distance between themselves and others. Might the cylinders of their “personal space” grown larger to the point that those who study proxemics will be unable to measure any significance between the cultures?

Though physical distance might expand, we might witness a transformation in interpersonal video. Rather than seeing on screen what commonly is, today, an image of a person’s upper body, we might see close-ups of faces, so we can share the unmistakable changes in our expressions when we smile or laugh or frown. I can envision that expectations of technology might change; consumers may demand that computer cameras have the ability to zoom in and out. Why out? Think of the stereotype of Italians; their hand gestures are as much a part of their vocabulary as their words. It’s not a manufactured stereotype, by the way.

What if? What if? What if none of the transformations in the way we relate, physically, to one another come to pass? What if the virus subsides and disappears? What if this entire episode becomes just an ugly memory? No matter what happens, if we are intelligent beings, it will have changed the way we relate to one another as human beings. It will have taught us, for the umpteenth time since humans began walking on two legs, that we need one another. It will have taught us that the well-being of others, even those outside our immediate spheres, matters. It will have informed us that looking out after the interests of everyone (every creature, every living being, too) is the only way to survive as a species. It will have taught us, but will we have learned? As I often say, time will tell.

 

Posted in Communication, Covid-19 | Leave a comment

Fiction and Reality, One and the Same

There was a time, not so long ago, that I found it easy to write about fictional dystopian horrors, experiences unlike anything I ever experienced. My imagination allowed me to picture those ghastly nightmares as a dispassionate observer, watching through an artificial lens and analyzing from the safety of abstract distance. I think I can still write about such horrendous ordeals, but the process is no longer as easy as it once was. The pain and fears associated with fictional calamities too closely resemble the reality I see playing out worldwide today in the face of the COVID-19 pandemic.

I wonder whether the harsh reality of catastrophic events becomes real only when the events come so close they cause the hair on the back of one’s neck to stand up? The anguish suffered by Syrian refugees in recent years has been visible, but distant. The pain and starvation that famine-plagued Somalians experience today is horrible and upsetting…but sufficiently distant to cushion the punch-in-the-gut horror the Somalians must feel. The terror and hopelessness that drive Central Americans to risk everything to reach the United States are real to me, but only in the same sense that a newscast about a fatality highway accident is real to me.

My hunch is that the intensity of my emotions about those events would expand exponentially, were I in the midst of them, watching from inside out, rather than from outside in.  Compassion and empathy in the abstract morphs into love when confronted with concrete human suffering, I think. When realism embraces us and forces us to see ourselves—and feel ourselves—in the shoes of others suffering from the throes of unthinkable experiences, we become saturated with humanity. I am not suggesting that only when thrust into horrifying personal circumstances can we truly understand others’ suffering, but suffering must surely accelerate the process of understanding.

I watched a video sermon recorded by our church minister last Sunday. He closed the sermon by saying he hopes our collective experience with COVID-19 will lead us to greater tenderness with each other when the crisis passes. I think that’s what such experiences do to and for us. We become more understanding and compassionate toward others in similar circumstances; we do become more tender, I think. I hope we do. If we do, will it last? Can it fundamentally change us, the collective “we?” Time will tell.

In the meantime, I will continue to write about challenging experiences and dystopian futures, but it will no longer be as easy to do. I think my writing will show characters’ compassion grow as they thrash their way through the brambles.

Posted in Compassion, Covid-19, Empathy, Writing | 2 Comments

Barbara, Fill in that 40-Year Gap

On New Year’s Day this year, after taking a short respite from my blog, I returned to it to find a comment on a mid-December post. The comment was from a person with whom I had had no contact for forty years. The comment was from Barbara, a woman with whom I worked in my first association management job. I was surprised (and honored) to read that she credited me with instilling in her an appreciation for the value of good communication skills. My memory, clouded by forty years of intervening events, tells me I called her Barbara Jane or B.J. back then. Maybe not. It may have been just Barbara all along.

When I discovered her comments, more than a week after she left them, I checked for the email address for the person who left them (I don’t permit anonymous comments here—to post a comment, visitors must leave an email address). I wrote an email to her, thanking her for her generous comments and inquiring about her life. I never heard back from her. It’s possible she left a bogus email address; I might have done the same, protecting myself from the possibility that I might be dealing with a stalker. Too bad. I would have liked to learn about what has transpired in her life during the past forty years.

As I sit at my window, watching woodpeckers and flickers drilling and drumming on tree trunks in search of food, my mind wanders back in time to various people with whom I’ve had occasion to work. Don, the tall Chicagoan who, along with his wife, took up scuba-diving to explore shipwrecks in Lake Michigan. Augie, the owner of the association management company that employed me for awhile. Mary, the co-worker with whom I grew extremely close and kept in close contact for many years after I left Chicago. Gus and Finis and Peggy, co-workers at the same organization where I worked with Barbara. Mike, the Canadian who moved to New Zealand and invited us to visit his venues there, treating me like royalty. Darrell, the guy I hired to be a  magazine editor and who, years after he left the job, started an architect search firm.  David, the British coatings specialist who treated us like family when we visited him during conferences in London. The guy, whose name escapes me, who insisted I try a main course of kangaroo when I visited his stadium in Melbourne. Like the birds that stop briefly at the trees outside my window, those people probably will never re-enter my life. Some of them, I know, have died. Others have may done the same. And still others have moved on to live lives of which I know nothing. Like Barbara, who might have remained in Houston or may be living in Paris.

The people I did not like or respect also come to mind occasionally. But I spend only fleeting moments thinking about them. It’s true that people remember how others made them feel. I suspect I am not remembered favorably by too many. I can’t change that now; the opportunity has passed.

Barbara, if you stumble across this post, tell me about your life these last forty years. The same goes for Mike and Don and Peggy and Mary. You all know who you are.

 

Posted in Memories | 2 Comments

An Irrelevant Milestone and a Little More

Yesterday’s post marked number 3200 since I began this blog in August 2012. Almost eight years. A few years ago, I explored some of my earlier blogs in an effort to tally the number of posts I had written at the time. After I counted those posts, I wrote that “Musings from Myopia, my earliest blog, and the one I deep-sixed in a fit of writer’s existential rage, survived 1262 posts. It Matters Deeply, which apparently didn’t, lasted  82 posts.” There have been others, but the number of posts they contained is insignificant. I’ll round up and say I’ve written at least 4550 posts. Just 450 to go before I reach 5000. What will I do then (assuming I have not succumbed to the coronavirus or some other fatal affliction)? Probably the same thing I’m doing now. I’ll mark the occasion with a yawn.

***

“I’ve never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow is said to have uttered those words, though a quick online search did not satisfy me that the words really were his. No matter. I appreciate and relate to them nonetheless. I can imagine much joy at reading the obituaries of select people I’ve never met. I realize, of course, that harboring such thoughts is contrary to everything I’ve been taught; such an attitude is anathema to the morality to which I subscribe. How is it, then, that I can believe in the worth and dignity of every human being, yet simultaneously acknowledge that I might get an attitude lift by reading an obituary? Hard to say. I suppose, deep down, I do not consider those whose obituaries might lift my spirits to belong to the category “human being.”  That may well be it. All human beings share the qualities of empathy and compassion. Hominids that do not possess those traits are not human. It’s the only explanation I can come up with to justify my hypocrisy.

***

I looked at my Twitter account (to which I very rarely post) this morning and found some interesting (to me) things I shared in years gone by:

  • The sharp pain of personal loss cannot be shared, except in the abstract. All we can do is to try to weather the pain. And remember.
  • Worshipping the gods of angry weather…and sacrificing a bottle of wine to them.
  • Evaluating Fresca and vodka as an alternative to psychotropic drugs for the treatment of career-related depression.
  • This is the time of day, just before I leave for work, that I feel like having a mourning martini.
  • I’m stunned, saddened by Gwen Ifill’s death. She was the face of professionalism and decency in journalism. My sincere condolences to all. (That was my most recent Tweet, November 14, 2016.)

I have yet to appreciate the appeal of Twitter. Though I find Facebook more appealing than Twitter, neither compare to personal blogs, in my opinion.

***

One year ago today, this blog provided me with the opportunity to complain bitterly about a searing pain in my esophagus, courtesy of my 60 sessions of radiation therapy. That pain is, thankfully, gone. At the time, it was deeply upsetting, but it permitted me to engage in dark humor. This blog seems to have become my personal journal. I think I’ve said that before. About seven thousand times. Time to go toast an English muffin and top it with a delightfully hot and spicy homemade (by my wife) marinara sauce.

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Love Letters

I tend to keep personal letters I receive in the mail, whether handwritten or typewritten. Maybe my practice is driven by their rarity. Or perhaps they offer evidence someone thought I was worth the time and energy required to write and mail them. I think it’s the latter. The letters have no value except to me. I’ve come to realize over time their value declines. Though I hold on to them, sometimes for years, eventually I discard them. The desire for order and minimalism ultimately overtakes sentimentality, I guess. But sentimentality always returns.

The topic of letter-writing and letter-keeping is on my mind because I spent time the other day reading a letter I received from a friend ten years ago. Not a close friend; more of an online acquaintance with whom I developed a relationship. We still keep in touch on rare occasion, but the ties between us seem to have frayed to threads. That happens, I think, when communications wither over time and distance. The very few times (three, was it?) I met her in person were brief. Once, in New York city, my wife and I had dinner with her. Another time, I met her and her friend (I don’t recall his name) for dinner; I think it was dinner, anyway. And a third time she joined my wife and her sister and me briefly for a segments of our train ride between Boston and Aurora, Illinois (to attend a memorial service for my sister-in-law’s husband).  The details of our friendship are irrelevant to my musing about the exchange of letters, aren’t they? Yes, but that’s what old letters do. They dredge up experiences long since buried under the rubble of time and experience.

Though I treasure the exchange of letters, I seldom write them. It’s not a matter of being lazy, though that might contribute to the dearth of written communication in my history. I think it’s that I’ve learned through experience that other people do not necessarily appreciate letters as much as I. Many people do not seem to attach much value to letters; neither writing them nor receiving them. Have I always responded to letters I received with letters of my own? I doubt it. Thus, I suppose others might wrongly assume of me what I may wrongly assume of them.

I have never been one to write letters by hand; I always type them. While some say a handwritten letter is more personal and intimate than its typewritten counterpart, I say my handwritten letter would be impossible to read. That having been said, I do appreciate handwritten letters I receive; they do seem more personal than typewritten letters. But my handwriting has long since deteriorated into the illegible scratch of an illiterate chicken fed hallucinogens, bound with stiff wire, and given a paint brush dipped in tar to use as a writing implement.

Letter-writing has become so rare, it seems, that sending and receiving letters are almost deviant acts. Recipients of personal letters are assumed to have overly-intimate connections with senders, as if the letter was an open admission of a sordid relationship. The same assumptions are made of senders. They must be engaged in some sort of disreputable affair, the details of which are contained in the private communication. Yes, I’m overstating the type and scope of judgment about those who exchange written communications by mail; but I’m not sure just how far beyond reality my overstatements are. Email and text exchanges do not seem to enjoy the same bad reputation as letters send by mail. However, they may be on their way to condemnation and shaming. We shall see.

It is interesting to me that a letter that runs two or three pages or more is viewed as a precious gift, illustrating the value the sender places on his relationship with the recipient. On the other hand, people often decry a lengthy personal email, judging it overly-wordy and ego-driven. Maybe I’m wrong on both counts; I am touched to receive either form of personal communications. But especially when sending an email, I try (but often fail) to limit its length for fear a longer missive will be set aside for later reading, only to be forgotten and ultimately discarded, unread.

I predict personal letters will one day experience a resurgence. As some point in the future, society will reach a level of emotional isolation that triggers a backlash. Letter writing will be part of that reaction. When? Tomorrow. Or five hundred years hence.

I love letters. When I receive them, my day brightens. They elevate my mood; even when it’s already good, it becomes stellar. Tiny leaves beginning to peek out from naked tree branches after a long, bare winter lift my spirits. Letters have the same effect on me.  Whether I receive replies or not, I think I will begin writing more letters to people I have not seen in a long while. If nothing else, the letters will surprise them. Perhaps letters will delight them. There’s no way to know without mailing them, now, is there?

Posted in Communication, Just Thinking, Philosophy | 2 Comments

Contemplating Commerce

I think there’s a continuum of economic commerce that ranges from offering neighbors a needed cup of sugar to unflinchingly demanding a pound of flesh before even a grain of the sweet stuff is released. Maybe the spectrum is even broader. Maybe it begins at one end with freely sharing any and all of one’s possessions. At the other end, perhaps, is absolute control by one individual or group over other human beings; economic slavery or actual bondage.

If I am right that there is a continuum of commerce, then I may be right as well that commerce operates along two tracks: social and pecuniary. Neighbors sharing sugar clearly would fall on the social track. A refinery’s demand for payment before releasing a truckload of packaged products to a retailer is a pecuniary transaction. But even the social track involves payment; the exchange is emotional as opposed to monetary. The two tracks  increasingly, it seem to me, are blending with one another. I suppose they have been merging for a very long time, but I sense a more rapid combination in recent years.

The social track of commerce slides toward the pecuniary track when barter is involved. (But maybe the definitions are at odds with my thoughts; pecuniary involves money, while barter involves trade. Trade and money are not synonymous; but for the purposes of this morning’s musing, I’ll consider them blood relatives.) I wonder whether there exists a precise point at which the social, human element of commerce becomes secondary to the pecuniary or monetary element? There must also be a point at which the social track goes off the rails (pun intended), replaced entirely by an expectation of precise financial payment. Farmers’ markets at which payment in cash is expected, but where some bartering may occur with respect to reducing unit costs based on volume, retain some of the social elements. A grocery store with fixed, inflexible unit pricing on vegetables, regardless of volume, is clearly driven by financial expectations.

Progressives tend to favor the social track, I think. Conservatives tend to favor the pecuniary track. In my ideal world, sugar-sharing would be common in every component of human interaction. Money would be merely a convenience to enable more comfortable and efficient sharing. For my conservative doppelgänger, the ideal world would remove the unpredictable emotional aspects from commerce, ensuring absolute consistency in all transactions, devoid of emotional messiness.

My ideal form of commerce would necessarily intertwine with the political environment within which it would function. I suppose I would call that political structure Humanitarian Socialism. But maybe I shouldn’t call it that. I just learned, thanks to an online article published by the Jamestown Foundation,  that Chinese political analysts judged the collapse of the Soviet Union to have been caused by Gorbachev, who “was beguiled by the siren song of ‘humanitarian socialism,'”

Enough of this. Contemplating commerce will not achieve my goals for the day.

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Healing

To heal. To me, the term conjures a string of related words and a host of related thoughts behind them. Healing leaves scars from wounds. Those wounds and their consequent scars may be physical or emotional or a combination. Whether injuries are minor or traumatic beyond description, scars left in their wake suggest restoration. Scars, though, sometimes lie. Scars that appear as confirmation of healing may be merely imposters masquerading as recovery; scabs, easily torn away to reveal the wound underneath.

Scars. They are evidence of injury. Evidence tends to prove or disprove an assertion. In connection with injuries, scars offer proof. But in connection with healing, scars neither prove nor disprove the extent to which healing has taken, or is taking, place. Scars may form in the absence of healing, their energy directed not toward restoration but as armor against further attacks.

A bullet lodged in the belly can remain, its damage camouflaged by new skin. The overt manifestation of the agony of rejection or abandonment can fade and disappear. But the scars left by those wounds do not necessarily offer assurance that healing took place. The bullet can be dislodged. A simple word or an unexpected memory can cause anguish to emerge anew.

A weapon or a word can cause a wound. Whether the afflicted can recover from the trauma depends on innumerable factors.  Recovery does not necessarily translate into healing, though. Recovery might lead only to a scar and ongoing pain. Healing from a wound, in my mind, means returning to a previous state in which the pain from the damage is gone. A scar may remain, but the pain is no longer present. Unless the pain has disappeared, healing is incomplete, at best. Scars may simply hide the damage; or they may preserve it, ensuring the damage lingers on and on.

How does one measure the extent to which a body or mind has healed from an injury? I think most of us can only guess and estimate and assume, when it comes to healing. Certainty is the province of professionals.

My thoughts this morning are fuzzy. I’m trying to wrap my head around something with tentacles and claws. My efforts are not working. The tentacles are wrapping around my neck and the claws are scratching my chest. And I think the beast may be carrying a pistol.

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Dimensions

I tell myself I am not superstitious. I say I dismiss the concept that coincidences have “meaning.” There is absolutely no reason to believe that, when I think about a person with enough focus, enough intensity, that person will reciprocate by thinking of me. It’s all magical hogwash, yes? Of course. But, still, some irrational thoughts occasionally emerge to the surface of my consciousness. Those thoughts invade what I consider an otherwise rational brain. Perhaps they are planted there by hopes and wishes and desires. Or fears. Maybe those thoughts arise simply to test the strength of my certainty about such ill-conceived frivolities.

When considering these instances of twisted magical thinking, I sometimes question just how certain I am that this reality, the one we see before us every day, is the only one. Frankly, it bothers me that I ever entertain the possibility that we may be experiencing just one of several dimensions. The idea is absolutely absurd! But it is not absurd. It is simply an untested, and perhaps untestable, theory.

The way I sometimes seem to conceive of it, those multiple dimensions blend with one another. For example, the idea of purposeful thinking as causation. Wishful thinking. Magical thinking. There must be multiple terms for it. Insanity? Maybe.

Sometimes, when confronted with my own complex—impossible-to-fully-understand—ideas, I write short pieces of fiction that incorporate those difficult ideas. That’s my way of trying to work them out in my mind. My attempts rarely succeed, at least not to my satisfaction. But at least they enable me to express them more fully in a fictional setting. I think I would be labeled dangerous and subject to commitment if I tried to express them in a real-world setting.

As I sit here, contemplating my use of writing fiction to think through such strangeness, I realize that I have many, many thoughts and ideas that I dare not share with anyone for fear of irrevocably changing others’ perceptions about me. I suppose it’s a matter of trust; or, I should say, lack of trust. This is nothing news. I think about it with some degree of frequency. And, I suppose, it’s one of the reasons I keep trying to get at the answer to the question of who I am, underneath all the layers. Another unanwerable question. I’m afraid I am incredibly complex, but not necessarily in a good way.

I do not believe finding and picking up a penny on the ground will bring me good luck. But I pick up the penny, “just in case.” The statements in fortune cookies are simply random comments on pieces of paper produced by the millions. But I read them. Do I put any stock in what they say? No, I really don’t. But… There are others too embarrassing to divulge, even to myself.

I wonder, am I sliding in and out of another dimension in which magical thinking is normal and natural? In this other dimension, is superstition an effective means of self-preservation or accomplishment? Is it possible to know the answers to absurd questions?

Four-year-olds believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and monsters under the bed. Adults should have long since grown out of the ability to entertain the possibility that an unseen dimension, parallel with our own, could exist. Yet we’ve always been taught to refrain from judging ideas unless they have been fully explored. How does one explore ideas that appear closely resemble symptoms of dementia?

Dementia. It could be. Dementia that has been progressing at a snail’s pace for sixty-plus years. Dementia that is routinely beat back by hard, cold logic and a life-long insistence on relying on measurable data. Dimension and dementia don’t have the same roots, do they? No, they do not. But I learned some interesting information about Alzheimer’s disease while exploring the etymology of dementia.

Alois Alzheimer, a German psychiatrist, in 1906 noted the hallmark plaques and tangles of the disease in the brains of people who died of the disease. At around the same time, Oskar Fischer, another German psychiatrist, saw those microscopic plaques and tangles. The prominent psychiatrist, Emil Kraepelin, in 1910 named the affliction Alzheimer’s disease. Fischer’s contributions to understanding the disease have been largely forgotten.

As this little exercise in looking for answers demonstrates, even troubling questions about one’s own intellectual sturdiness can lead to learning. Not necessarily answers, but learning.

 

 

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Conjecture

My mind wandered deep into my past this morning, suddenly and for no apparent reason. In my mind’s eye, I saw images of items I probably last saw when I was a very young child.

I remembered tiny replicas of bulls, made of plaster of paris (I think) and covered in a velvet-like material intended to look like cow hide. And I viewed brilliantly-colored paintings of bullfights, rendered on black velvet and accented with glitter or other sparkling materials. Perhaps the setting for those items was a public market. Maybe some of them were in markets and some were in my house. The figurines of bulls, especially, seemed to belong to me. And I recalled how they appeared when they were broken; that’s where the idea they were made of plaster of paris comes from; when broken, I saw the hard, white interior beneath the velvet. I recall, but only vaguely, the powdery residue from the break.

Those items, I think, were imported from Mexico, which was just up the street from our house, as the crow flies. The bridge to Matamoros probably was more distant.  Those memories were dredged up from deep in my childhood; I must have been no more than four or five years old, still living in Brownsville, Texas. I tried to find samples of the tiny bulls, to no avail, by searching the internet. I suspect molded plastic replicas have replaced the plaster of paris figurines I remember from my childhood.

It’s only a guess, but I think, perhaps, large-scale dislocations in the social order, of the type and scope we are now experiencing, thanks to the coronavirus, tend to dredge up odd recollections of a lifetime ago. Those recollections trigger strange longings for things we may never have enjoyed in years gone by, but which today evoke a sense of safety and comfort. Again, it’s just conjecture. Why else would one remember such trivial stuff? Actually, I have a theory that our brains record almost every experience in our lives, but memories of most experiences erode over time, leaving for many of them only a tarnished skeleton, stripped of most of the meat of the event. When, for whatever reason, we retrieve the memory from deep in the recesses of our minds, we unknowingly pad the skeleton with facsimiles of the details that one might reasonably expect to have covered it. So our memories are based on both fact and fiction. Just like our present-day lives. More conjecture.

 

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Struggles (AR) in the Times of Pestilence

The fictional town of Stuggles, Arkansas morphed from a small town coping with abandonment by its principal employer, a manufacturing plant, into a community on life support, thanks to a virus for which no immunity nor any treatment exists.  The center of the dying town’s social life, The Fourth Estate Tavern, was ordered closed to help limit the spread of the virus. The tavern’s owner, Calypso Kneeblood, well on his way to recovering from lung cancer surgery, finds himself confronted with yet another calamity. His sole source of income dried up instantly with the tavern’s closure, just months from making the last few payments on the mortgages on the building that houses his business and the house in which he lives. Kneeblood’s health insurance payments, too, are in arrears, leaving him vulnerable to further financial ruin; and to illness from which, if he is infected, he may never recover.

Almost every business in the vanishing community is shuttered, even the gas station. The shelves of the sole grocery store are almost barren within hours after being restocked by the grocery supply company. The grocery’s hours have been cut back to four hours a day, three days a week.

The hospital in Grandview Springs, Arkansas, twenty miles away, is full. Patients arriving at the emergency room are shuttled into hallways, where exhausted doctors and nurses try to make them comfortable while they either slowly recover their health or die. Struggles’ only doctor, Melissa Daniels, no longer answers her telephone. No one knows what has become of her.

In the midst of this already cataclysmic scene, a fire engulfs the shuttered plant, killing three fire fighters and eliminating the possibility of attracting other businesses to fill the void left by Sternberg Refrigeration; Sternberg was the refrigerator manufacturer that abandoned its plant in Struggles.

With this gruesome situation as a backdrop, we notice a thirty-something woman come on the scene. Her face concealed by a surgical mask, she knocks on the window of The Fourth Estate Tavern. Kneeblood, keeping busy by sweeping the floor of the tavern, hears the knock and looks up.

“We’re closed. Everything in town is closed!” His voice is loud enough for the woman to hear him. He’s sure of it.

Still the woman knocks again, this time harder, the insistent rapping against the glass causing the window to rattle against its frame. “I know, but I need to talk to you! Come closer, please, so we can talk, okay?”

Kneeblood shuffles to the window, keeping his distance from the young woman even though there’s glass between them.

“You’re Calypso Kneeblood, right? I have a proposition, Mr. Kneeblood, that could save your tavern and this town. If you will put yourself at my disposal for twenty-one days, I think we can beat these gut punches!”

During the course of the conversation that followed, Kneeblood’s initial skepticism turned to curiosity and then to interest and then to enthusiasm. His enthusiasm would become passion before the young woman walked away.

Her plan would be hard to implement and would require him to sell the ideas, hard, to the remaining influential residents of Struggles, the thought, but it just might work.

***

The idea for this obviously as-yet-unfinished story has been rattling around in my head for a very long time. The idea of introducing the virus is new, but the rest is almost old enough to grow mold. I lose patience with myself when I’m writing fiction; my mind gets so far ahead of my fingers that I just can’t keep up. When I find the words on the screen so far behind what I see in my mind’s eye, I get frustrated and step away. The idea is that I’ll return when the frustration subsides. But I rarely return. This story, I think, has legs. But it will require discipline and the ability to corral my frustration, no easy task. Perhaps I should follow one of my recent ideas: write short stories that, collectively, can become elements of a full-blown novel. I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. 

The outline above was not written as a component of a story; it’s simply an outline of ideas. The way they are presented would be very different. The summary above would be revealed by showing actions and thoughts over the course of several months and several chapters. Patience. 

Posted in Fiction, Writing | 3 Comments

What I am Learning, Even Today, from Steinbeck

The Grapes of Wrath. I remember (though indistinctly, as if through a heavy fog) reading Steinbeck’s classic novel depicting the struggles of Depression-era Dust Bowl migrations. What I remember clearly about the story, though, is the intensity of Jim Casy’s and Tom Joad’s efforts to overcome the overwhelming avarice of the haves versus the have-nots. The theme of the struggle for “the greater good” permeates the story.

Now that I’m thinking of the book, I’ll have to find it and read it again; surely I must have a copy here at home, right? I would not have discarded it or sold it, would I? I hope not.

But back to this morning’s contemplation. Steinbeck’s novel is on my mind this morning because the struggles of the Joad family, and their compatriots, fighting for justice and survival, suggest another struggle, a struggle we may soon face. The particulars of the struggles are different, but the underlying theme of Steinbeck’s novel foreshadows an emerging theme today.

I think the safety and contentment and comfortable predictability of our lives already has begun to unravel. Whether that untangling is simply a short-lived inconvenience or a long-lasting and massively catastrophic upheaval remains to be seen. If the latter, I think the clear divide between today’s haves and have-nots has the potential of evolving into an undeclared war that could dwarf the class struggle depicted in The Grapes of Wrath.  The degree to which minor incidents of social unrest might blossom into unrelenting demands for the wealthiest of the wealthy to return their stolen largess to the commoners will depend on how much pain is inflicted on the common citizens and their tolerance and endurance.

If The Pestilence, AKA COVID-19, disrupts food supplies and/or leads to massive unemployment or under-employment, the pain inflicted will eventually become unbearable. People who today are conservative and self-interested may transform under the weight of those conditions to furiously demanding soldiers in the war for social justice. Or maybe not.

Perhaps, even if The Pestilence were to lead to apocalyptic societal disintegration, the common citizenry will have been so thoroughly trained to respond to orders that they will silently and obediently become willing slaves to the plutocracy.

I do not know why my attitude these past few days has vacillated so wildly between hopefulness and despondency. Yesterday, I felt certain we had the wherewithal to combine our efforts and defeat the scourge that’s confronting us. Today, I’m not sure we even recognize we have permitted economic disparity to rob us of our ability to think for ourselves and clearly understand what is happening and may happen.

Is it wishful thinking to envision a struggle like the one that took fictional root in The Grapes of Wrath might actually take hold today? If I remember correctly, the book ended in grief, but with a ray of hope even in despair. What am I doing, comparing a fictional response in a fictional environment to an unpredictable outcome in the real world? In spite of the obvious disparities between 80-year-old fiction and current reality, there may be lessons to be learned from re-reading an old book. Or perhaps I am engaging in lunacy, comparing apples to alligators.

It just occurred to me that I know very little about John Steinbeck, other than the fact he is among my favorite authors. There must be a well-researched and well-written biography of Steinbeck. I’ll have to try to find it and read it.

I remember, again very vaguely, reading Tortilla Flat when I was just a sixth-grader. I distinctly remember sharing a quote from the book with a school-mate during class one day, saying, “Sicilian bastards! Scum from the prison island!” My teacher—I think her name was Mrs. Peterson—got very upset with me and took my copy of the book away. She told me I was not to read such books because they contained foul language. I told my mother that afternoon about the incident, though I may not have mentioned the passage I read aloud. She instantly called my teacher and very firmly told her that she was to return my book to me and that she should never discourage me from reading any book because my mother encouraged me to read anything I wanted. I don’t recall anything else about the interaction or its aftermath. But I remember that incident as well as I remember anything from my childhood.

At some point today, I will do what is necessary to completely clear my mind. I’ll then see what thoughts and ideas return to fill that tiny little space.

Posted in Philosophy | 2 Comments

Solutions Already Exist

Solutions to the problems we are facing exist, already, in our heads. We just need to find ways to mine for them and process raw ideas into finished, implementable processes that yield results.

Creativity blossoms when monstrous challenges  confront us. Impossible threats spark otherwise dormant ingenuity and inventiveness. We ignore futility in search of solutions to problems too enormous to solve yet too deadly to permit surrender.

In this time of The Pestilence, I believe the only solution to the problems facing us is boundless creativity. I am not referring to finding a vaccine or a cure. Those solutions, too, will require infinite resourcefulness; but answers to those needs already are in the process of being explored, now, by people who have the requisite technical and medical and epidemiological knowledge. The problems to which I am referring are those interconnected ramifications brought about by The Pestilence: economic collapse, required personal distancing, unemployment, supply chain disruptions, panic buying and hoarding, and dozens of other complications of the pandemic.

Creativity requires neither superior intellect nor extensive experience with the problems at hand. Practicality and “common sense” often overcome intellectual and experiential deficits. An entrepreneurial mindset, whether that mindset has heretofore been applied in entrepreneurial endeavors or not, can go a long way toward crafting innovative solutions to problems that seem too big to solve.

If this country had a true leader, he or she already would have clearly articulated the problems confronting us (both nationally and globally) and would have stated clearly what the government is doing to address them. Beyond that, the leader would have challenged members of society to consider creative ways of confronting and overcoming the obstacles in our way. That same leader would have orchestrated a mechanism of collecting and assessing the viability of the creative ideas that arise from that challenge. That process, in itself, is enormously complex. But I think it is essential to ensure that all of us clearly understand the problems we face and understand that we, collectively, must work and think creatively to solve them.

There is a word for collective problem-solving: brainstorming. That’s what we can and should do. But I see some obstacles and questions:

  1. How can the process get moving (i.e., who has enough influence and reach to get it started)?
  2. How can we get people engaged in the process?
  3. How can we overcome self-limiting doubt? (i.e., “I’m just a nobody; I have nothing to contribute.)
  4. How can we convince people that the “someone else” who will solve the problem may well be the same person they see in the mirror?
  5. Once ideas with potential emerge, what processes will ensure that they are communicated to people who can act on them?
  6. What processes can be used to quickly assess ideas, without the danger of dismissing ideas too quickly?
  7. What pressures can be brought to bear to demand swift action to implement solutions?

The brainless, mind-numbingly self-centered dimwit in the White House would not recognize the value of the process of brainstorming if it bit him in the ass. We need leadership to facilitate finding solutions. That’s the biggest obstacle. Maybe the first order of creative business is to find a way to quickly and completely remove the biggest obstacle.

 

 

 

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