John Swinburn

Once again, I wrote and wrote and pondered and pondered, only to decide I was embroiled in a meaningless exercise with absolutely no value. So, instead, I will re-post something I wrote ten years ago:

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Confusion, Perhaps

It begins as a whisper, faint and indistinct.  But it grows incrementally, almost imperceptibly, louder with the passage of time.  The amount of time varies with each whisper and every ear.  Eventually, though, the whisper becomes a voice and the voice becomes a scream and the scream becomes an obsession.

And the obsession becomes a passion.  And the passion becomes a regret.

That having been said, here’s what Kierkegaard had to say about something else entirely:

The greatest hazard of all, losing one’s self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all.
~ Søren Kierkegaard

I am not a follower; I just like some of the quotes attributed to him, including this one. And the one following:

What is a poet? An unhappy person who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so formed that as sighs and cries pass over them they sound like beautiful music.
~ Søren Kierkegaard

Several hundred words spilled from my fingers this morning, but after reading them to myself and thinking how they might be received by anyone happening upon them, I deleted them. Sometimes, words are inadequate to express emotions too complex to fit into a page, much less a paragraph or a single word. “Love,” “hate,” “longing,” “desire,” “loathing,” and many more are utterly useless. They require multiple layers of adjectives, qualifiers that may apply with just hints or with blatant attributions of expressions that scream. I decided, after flooding my draft with hundreds of words, that my emotions would require hundreds more to truly express and for the reader to truly understand. Given that some readers may have enormous reserves of patience, but most probably do not, I decided that the opinions formed during the first few paragraphs would stick with the impatient, providing them with the wrong impression of my emotional state. Those impatient many probably would misunderstand; they might decide to judge me on the basis of a few words. I could tolerate that misjudgment from many people, but being misjudged by others would be painful; nearly intolerable. So the best route was to erase entire pages worth of words that flooded from my fingers. Sometimes, it is best not to try to explain one’s thoughts to the world, but to just a few people, people who have the patience to listen—not to read—for extended periods. People willing to listen and capable of understanding are few and far between.

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A few days ago, I wrote about my hope that Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin would prevail in that day’s elections. She did not. The election revealed a shift to the right in Finnish political circles, which was a disappointment to me. Having no legitimate interest in Finland’s politics, though, there’s not much I can do or say. The electorate made their choice. Now, I can only watch to see what sorts of collaborative arrangements will be made between the major parties in Finland and what effects those arrangements will have. Despite that disappointment, Finland is now a new member of NATO, so all is not lost. Hmm.

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My enthusiasm about our trip to Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art, notwithstanding, we stayed home. Not long after I posted yesterday’s blog, I felt compelled to recheck my already low blood pressure. It had dropped even more. Subsequent checks revealed a continued trend. Mi novia persuaded me to call my primary care doctor’s office about the situation. Thanks to someone else’s cancellation, I was slotted into a 9:00 a.m. appointment, where my low blood pressure was confirmed as “quite concerning.” I was hooked up to an IV and, after emptying the bag into my arm, sent home with instructions to rest…rest…rest. I was advised to immediately contact my cardiologist for an appointment, as well. Before I could call her office, they called me in response to my doctor’s APN calling them; one of my prescriptions was halved, with the proviso that I should not take it at all if either number of my BP measurements were below specified levels (both of which have been below those numbers for quite some time). And I am now scheduled to see her next week. I am nearly certain the issue is purely a factor of my weight loss reducing the need for BP medications. But I’ll let the doctors reach that conclusion on their own. In the meantime, I will curse my body for interrupting our plans to enjoy a trip to Bentonville with friends. I look forward to hearing about their experience when they return.

The consequences of our trip cancellation including cancelling our hotel reservations and our cat-boarding reservations. We already had put our mail on hold, so we will not need to check the mailbox until Monday. Even casual mini-vacation trips introduce complexities into one’s day-to-day life.

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Today is Thursday. I will pretend it is another day. I will behave accordingly.

I just crawled out of a rabbit hole…the one I crawled into about half an hour ago. I am fairly easily distracted, evidence of which appears here most days. This morning’s distraction led me first to an Americanized version of the website belonging to a major British newspaper. Curious about the original version, intended for a British audience, compared to the one I saw on my screen, I went searching.  I found the original UK version pretty easily; however the internet occasionally behaves as if it will, by God, decide what I view. But I found it. Success! That little adventure prompted me to begin another one, looking at other foreign media outlets to determine whether they were “white-washed” for  an American audience. That foray into the deep, dark unknown led me down a path, where I tripped and found myself searching for news about specific villages which, in turn, transformed into an investigation of the degree to which beef consumption has declined (or risen) in the last ten years. I did not finish that “work,” because I realized I was  on the cusp of a mental adventure that could take weeks to play out. Through sheer force of will,  I managed to extract myself, and from there I landed in a  cloud of immeasurable allure. And here I am.

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I am not completely satisfied with my progress out of the world of obesity. On the one hand, my loss of 40 pounds (6 of which dropped in the last month) in the course of roughly nine months is no small feat. On the other, a more focused and reliable ritual would have accomplished so much more! I do not believe I am so very different from other people, at least with respect to satisfaction with the mediocre. It is common for me to see [and experience myself]  instances of settling for “average” or below. If the problem is not simply slothfulness, perhaps it reflects a sense that the return on investments of energy, talent, training, or what have you is woefully inadequate. Rather than expend resources on an obsolete equipment, many of us just hold on, waiting for more attractive opportunities. Jeez! I lost my train of thought before it left the station.

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It’s nearing six o’clock, time for me to get up, shave, shower, and pack for a short trip to visit Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art in Bentonville, Arkansas. One of the special presentations, in particular, entitled Diego Rivera’s America, should be very interesting.  We’re joining another couple on this quick, miniature road trip. I can imagine myself continuing on after visiting the museum and sampling some of Bentonville’s best restaurants. And then…who knows? My restlessness is inexplicable but strong.

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I may or may not blog from “the road.” Time will tell, as she always does.

We drove to Little Rock yesterday to pick up a semi-custom shirt; it was not quite right, so it will be modified and available to me in two weeks. As we drove down Chenal Parkway, we were stunned by the massive damage to buildings and trees. Especially surprising was the view of an apartment complex a few blocks north, on a hill overlooking the roadway. The top floor of the buildings had been shredded by the recent tornado. The roof of the building was missing, as was much of the framing beneath it. Broken pieces of lumber were visible everywhere. I have seen photographs of the damage, but seeing it for myself was sobering. All along Chenal, severe damage was evident. Power remained out in parts of the area, including at a cross-street where traffic had been, before the storm, controlled by a traffic light. Temporary stop signs had been placed at the intersection to control traffic. Massive trees, uprooted by the wind, had been blown down, breaking the sidewalk under the trees’ huge root balls and lifting them several feet above their original location. Ach! Lines of cars at a church, where water and food was being given away,  illustrated the human costs of the tornado; people who may not have had a place to sleep were, at least, given sustenance to get them through what must be an excruciating experience.  The dollar cost of the storm must be enormous; it is incomprehensibly huge. The emotional costs must, also, be incalculable.

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An online piece on BBC.com/worklife struck a chord with me. As I read it, my disappointment and regret at my decision, in 1998, to start my own company suddenly seemed less a lonely mistake. Other entrepreneurs, too, look back with remorse at “going it alone.” They, too, recognize that their dreams of being in control—and operating in an environment in which their income would be limited only by their own ambition—were fantasies. Though I was able to retire early with enough of a retirement nest egg to allow me to live a modestly middle-class lifestyle, I could have earned far more (and would have had greater autonomy and control) had I continued on the executive track, reporting to a single board of directors. Though my business was moderately successful, dealing with multiple boards of directors of multiple clients was far more stressful than working for a single board. And my decision to “run my own show” was far less lucrative than the environment I left. If I had it to do over again, I might make the same decision, but I would make it with eyes wide open to the realities of making payroll, even when a client  experienced financial struggles. Friends who continued to work as “staff” usually were viewed by boards as part of a team; my staff and I, on the other hand, were considered “hired hands.” My company’s fees, unlike “captive staff” salaries, were targets for minimization. “Captive staff” salaries were more likely to be viewed as opportunities to reward members of the “team” for a job well-done. When I was a “captive” CEO, I had to justify salary budgets to a generally appreciative board. But when I was an entrepreneur/ “contractor,” I had to work much harder to persuade boards that the fees paid to my company (the majority of which went to my staff) were justified. Unlike some other entrepreneurial ventures, it was virtually impossible to imagine transforming the company into a revenue-generating powerhouse. By 2011, thirteen years into my entrepreneurial experiment, I was beyond tired. I had come to loathe working with some of my client associations and their boards. When I announced what was to have been a one-year sabbatical and offered to help my clients find new management firms, their boards expressed little to no disappointment at my departure or any serious appreciation for my work. In spite of leaving every client in far better shape—financially and operationally—than when they became clients, they took the news of my departure without expressing any regret. Nor any appreciation for improving their positions.

I do not often think about my years as an entrepreneur. And when I do, I try to recall the more appealing aspects of that period of my career. I try to avoid being resentful and bitter with myself for having willingly replaced opportunities for a rather “cushy” experience for a monstrous challenge. Perhaps I should have taken my own hint when I named my company: Challenge Management, Inc. Bygones are bygones. No, I would not do it over again. I might, instead, accumulate as much money as possible, as early as possible, and retire even earlier. At one point in my life, I announced that I wanted to retire at 50. I missed the target by eight years. Not bad, actually. If I had continued with my business for another seven years, I would have pushed myself into an early grave. So, as I consider my work history, what I actually did may have been the best course of action. I should celebrate, instead of wading through fields of regret. And so I shall.

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We are imperfect beings. We behave in ways contrary to maintaining our honor. We long for material goods we do not need. We lust after experiences we openly condemn in others. Our desires may overcome our decency. We know we should not murder or steal or covet our neighbors’ wives, but we still we may wish to kill or purloin or seduce. There it is again: the spectrum of “sins,” alongside measures of tolerance or intolerance. Is the desire to kill just as bad as taking action on that desire? Ach! Too much brain-twisting!

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Another grey morning. Weather forecasters are calling for a high today of 79°F. I have to admit it: I look forward to the warmth. Lately, much of the time my hands of feet have been horribly cold. Yesterday, I walked out of my frigid office, opened the front door of the house, and went outside. The warmth outside was much, much, much greater than inside. I felt like sleeping on a recliner with the sun beating down on me. Instead, I worked on minimizing the weed-cover in the big rocky area in front of the house. It was absolutely LOUSY with weeds. I expect them to come back with some regularity. Makes me think a concrete pad over the rocks might be just the ticket. Not really. Probably.

I am grateful that today does not have many demands on me. I can choose whether to work around the house (which I should) or to loll about in slothful indolence (which I probably should not).  I appreciate the choice, though,

A dim, foggy morning laid waste to the solitude of predawn darkness. When I forced myself back to sleep in the early hours—despite wanting to get out of bed—I took an unnecessary risk. During the subsequent sleep, the currency of that risk purchased the pain of an incoherent nightmare. My late brother was in prison, awaiting execution for a crime about which I knew nothing. I was with two people…friends? relatives?…on the way to visit him. A car belonging to one of the two, a woman, would not start. The woman hotwired a nearby car, its front right tire in shreds, and drove us slowly—while the damaged tire delivered a loud, bumpy ride—to the entrance to the prison, which appeared to be inside a mall. And then I woke.

I thought I succeeded in sneaking out of the bedroom without waking Phaedra. But in the kitchen she interrupted my morning blood glucose bloodletting with a loud yowl, protesting what she apparently believed was my attempt to starve her. It took two abnormally large helpings of what looked and smelled like post-digested-chicken-puree-from-a-can to silence her. Finally, though, Phaedra decided to cease flooding my eardrums with her relentless sound-based tools of torture, allowing me a modicum of peace with which I could scan the morning’s so-called news. I did very little scanning; “news” is an unpleasant experience when one is attempting to slide into the day without encountering rusted razor blades judiciously positioned to slice into one’s tender parts.

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I hope to get some advice today, from a title company lawyer, related to replacing a quit claim deed with a general warranty deed. If that advice is not forthcoming, I will have to pursue other sources of expertise, possible waiting as long as next week. Property ownership is an unnatural imposition of undeserved control over a component of the natural environment. Indigenous people seem to have understood that reality, but modern humankind fails to grasp the ludicrous nature of “ownership.” We attempt to make our temporary stewardship of the natural environment into a permanent state of control; we have found that the transition into perpetuity comes with a high cost of labyrinthine complexity designed to “trick” the natural order into accepting slavery as a byproduct of humanity. I fight with myself over these matters and, invariably, I lose the fight.

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My creativity has, once again, remained beneath the comforter on the bed. I must retrieve it before tomorrow morning; I am to submit a poem by then for inclusion in an upcoming church insight service. I fear my poem, if it has been written by tomorrow morning, will be flat, dull, and emotionless. That’s all right, though, because one’s writing should reflect one’s true self. Ach.

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The fog remains thick and dreary, as the time approaches 8:30. The “work-week” is beginning the way so many of them began in years past. That is a shame. A real shame.

Phaedra, dressed in her protective post-surgery suit, walks with slow, plodding, doddering steps—punctuated with long pauses to recover the strength spent in moving just a few feet at a time.  Her movements suggest feline inebriation, but in fact the dual traumas of her abortion and her hysterectomy are responsible for her feebleness. But she is improving.

Last night, she managed to jump onto the storage chest at the foot of the bed. From there, she hopped onto the bed. And then she climbed aboard mi novia, who Phaedra must  have decided provided a comfortable spot for a long cat nap. Sometime during the wee hours, between 2:30 and 3, Phaedra decided I, too, offered a nice place of repose. I had been unable to sleep for a while, but I decided to stay put for a bit, hoping Phaedra might get a bit more rest. Finally, though, I had to get up. So, I slipped out of bed around 3:30. Phaedra woke when I gently moved her off of my hip, but she seemed to relax back into the blanket when I got up.  As far as I know, she is sleeping soundly now. She did not rush into the kitchen when I commenced my far-earlier-than-normal morning routine of blood-letting, pill-swilling, and coffee making; I take that as a good sign.

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US District Judge Robert Pitman ruled on Thursday that at several books removed from public library shelves in Llano County, Texas were to have been placed back onto shelves within 24 hours. Whether that has happened, I do not know. Reading about the book banning, which his ruling addressed, sparked anger in me. And fear. The recent spate of book banning frightens me because it is attempting to normalize an ugly form of censorship based on raw bigotry. The banned books in Llano include titles banned because they deal with race, sexual orientation, and other matters labeled inappropriate, pornographic, and called “filth” by at least one library board member. This is not new. But its resurgence is upsetting.  And it is especially upsetting in light of the revelation that the new “library advisory board” required all new books to “be presented to and approved” by them before purchase. Staff librarians were said to have been banned from attending the advisory board’s meetings. If I were King, I would incarcerate members of the library advisory board who voted to require board action before book purchase…or who voted to ban any title.

But wait. At some point, there must be a line which must not be crossed…mustn’t there? Would we want a library full of anarchist treatises, replete with bomb-making instructions and arguments in favor of political assassinations? Okay, perhaps step-by-step instructions leading to violent revolutions should be kept out of the library…or should they? At what point do we, as a society, decide to prohibit the dissemination of ideas? That is a dicey issue. On one hand, I abhor the imposition (or prohibition) of beliefs and philosophies through censorship. But on the other hand, I believe we (the collective, as if “we” were of one mind) have an obligation to protect ourselves and one another from unnecessary danger.

When any government, or any church for that matter, undertakes to say to its subjects, This you may not read, this you must not see, this you are forbidden to know, the end result is tyranny and oppression no matter how holy the motives.

~ Robert A. Heinlein ~

For the moment, though, let’s leave potential violence out of the equation. Is there a point at which moral indignation should play a part if library policy? Should we, for example, prohibit our libraries from shelving books that promote bestiality? Where should we draw the line? Or should we draw no lines at all? Should we leave it up to the consumer to decide what is appropriate to read? If I try to view the world from the perspective of a fundamentalist Christian who has been indoctrinated with the belief that any discussion of LGBTQ matters is a danger to the social order, I might understand why some books “should be banned.” But, try as I might, I cannot see the world from that jaundiced outlook. Yet I can understand how it might evolve; especially in a rural setting in which rabid fundamentalism is the rule, rather than the exception.

I think most proponents of book banning tend to be rabid nationalists, too; people who claim undying devotion to the U.S. Constitution. Yet these same people seem not to grasp the disconnect between book banning and the First Amendment:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

No matter how persuasively I might argue, either for or against, the matter of book banning, I likely will not change anyone’s mind. Logic plays less of a role in the issue than does emotion. Even logical arguments are fueled by white-hot emotion on both sides of the issue. Ultimately, I suppose it comes down to which “side” will hold more positions on local library boards and in similar institutions. And who, once on those boards, will be willing to file lawsuits or to defend against them. Some days—most days—I wish I lived in a society whose values more closely mirrored my own. Today is one of those days. Now, which society(ies) might be suitable for me? I wish I knew.

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I eagerly await the results of the elections in Finland. Like much of the world, right-wing populism has been growing in Finland of late, which is reflected in Finnish polls. The prime minister’s (Sanna Marin) Social Democrats are facing challenges from the conservative National Coalition Party and the populist Finns Party. Sanna Marin still has high poll numbers, but according to news reports, her numbers are not high enough to ensure victory. By the end of the day today, the results of the election should be known, but regardless of the winner, it will take time to form a government (which, as I understand it, will certainly be a coalition government, regardless of the winner). My political leanings clearly are aligned with Sanna Marin and her Social Democrats. I hope the majority of voters in Finland share my position on matters politic.

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It is about a quarter after 5, far too early to call or text anyone, though I would like to. Sometimes at this hour (or earlier or later), I want to sit with a friend and talk. Not about anything in particular. Just to chat. Relax. Chill. Engage.  But I know, even if the time were four hours later, I would not make a call or send a text. I know very few people well enough to feel comfortable intruding on their day without warning. It would be different, I suspect, if I were far more of a social creature who stayed in frequent and regular contact with friends throughout the week. But I am not that social creature. I sometimes want to be, but I am not suited to it. My need for solitude might be mistaken for abruptness or rudeness if I were to suddenly shift from extrovert to introvert in mid-sentence. Perhaps it’s not quite that abrupt, but it can be a rather rapid change. I suppose I could train myself to behave differently; I know enough about Pavlov’s classical conditioning to give it a shot. But, then, I would have to train a few others, too. I doubt anyone wants me to ‘train’ them. I would have to hide the message behind something misleading. Nothing overt. Ach.

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We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us.

~ François Rabelais ~

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We are nearing the end of the series, Unauthorized Living. The more we watch, the better I like it. It is far more complex than I expected it to be, but the complexities are not unnecessary; they contribute to the plot and to the psychological underpinnings of the story.  Despite a significant number of badly botched English subtitles and not infrequent evidence that some of the script writers might have had no training, the series is extremely entertaining and exciting. I recommend it.

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Once again, I let time slip by. It is nearing 6 in the morning. The sky remains dark, though, so my conversation with myself is in a satisfactory place. I shall now endeavor to shave and take a shower.

Your days are numbered. Use them to throw open the windows of your soul to the sun. If you do not, the sun will soon set, and you with it.

~ Marcus Aurelius ~

I referenced these words, attributed to Marcus Aurelius, in late December, 2021, after my late brother decided to go into hospice care.  About a year earlier, my wife had died. And a little over a year and a month after that awful event, my brother died. That year of loss was the most wretched in my memory. But, in response to the words of Marcus Aurelius, I have tried to pry open those windows. Whether a person opts to wither in darkness or blossom in light, in the end he will return to the soil.

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Guilt coincides with the recognition of the impossibility of changing the past. But it persists as long as does the desire to accomplish the impossible. Perhaps, then, the solution to reducing the many burdens of guilt is to quell the desire to accomplish that which cannot be done. That is, to face reality and to acknowledge one’s own responsibility for fashioning the future from fresh experiences; not eliminating guilt, but burying it beneath multiple layers of innocence.

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Phaedra is back home from the veterinary clinic, no longer pregnant nor capable of  becoming pregnant ever again. The poor cat, wrapped in a surgery suit to prevent her from ripping open sutures, remains groggy and obviously achy. And, surprisingly (to me, at least), not very hungry. Perhaps that is a natural reaction to surgery. Despite my annoyance at her for doing damage by clawing at rugs, she is a cute cat; I hope I continue to think so as time marches on.

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Thanks to indulging in a gummy last night (to ease my arthritic pain), I slept very, very late this morning. I was in bed until after 7, an event so rare it merits placement in a world record book. I loathe getting up long after the sun has flooded the sky with light. There’s something about missing daybreak that is akin to getting kicked, hard, in the gut. But I will adjust, adapt, and move on. The sky is clear and blue, utterly unlike yesterday afternoon’s swirling gloom and ferocious rainstorms. Though we were under multiple tornado watches, thunderstorm watches and warnings, and tornado warnings, none of the storms materialized near us. Little Rock and environs in central Arkansas were badly ravaged by tornadoes. Numbers of injuries were reported in Little Rock hospitals; some of those suffering injury were in critical condition yesterday. The town of Wynne was effectively torn in two by tornadoes that reportedly killed four people there. My dissatisfaction with sleeping late pales—utterly, to the point of disappearance—in light of that awful reality.

As I have taken to saying with regularity, everything is contextual. Every emotion, every sensation, every idea, every reality…exists along a spectrum. And that spectrum is influenced by changes in the environment surrounding it. The emotional “tragedy” of a shattered family heirloom wine decanter shrinks to insignificance in circumstances in which emotional tragedy involves multiple losses of life.

The older I get, the more intrigued I become with different schools of philosophy. And, of course, I wish now I had become intrigued with them long, long ago. I would have had much more time to learn about them, think about them, and use them to mold and shape my own philosophies. As it is, my philosophy of life is an amalgamation of sometimes competing ideas. And, of course, my philosophy changes, depending on the context of my thoughts about it. Circumstantial morality might be a good name for my current philosophical bent. I could explain the concept in more detail, but that might rob the reader of the enjoyment of guessing what I might mean.

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I may not need a hug right now, but I certainly would welcome one. A hug to celebrate the way the sky looks right now. But there could be many other reasons, as well.

I must go…just got an instant message on my phone, warning me of an unusual “card not present” transaction on a credit card…must explore it!

Solitude is voluntary. Loneliness is not. But the two can become unintentionally intertwined. They can coalesce into one another from either direction. Intentional solitude can lead to unexpected loneliness. And loneliness can cause a person to isolate—to avoid contact with others as protection against revealing the pain brought on by loneliness. Not terribly long ago, I was introduced to Dunbar’s Number, a theoretical limit on the number of people with whom an individual can maintain social relationships. The theory is further clarified as the number of relationships a person has in which she knows each person in the social circle and how each individual relates to every other one. According to Robin Dunbar, the anthropologist who proposed the number, the concept can be explained informally as “the number of people you would not feel embarrassed about joining uninvited for a drink if you happened to bump into them in a bar.”

I doubt I am living evidence of the legitimacy of Dunbar’s Number. The actual number, variously proposed by others as between 100 and 250, with 150 being a fairly well-accepted middle range, seems quite high to me. Though I know well over 250 people, I seriously doubt I would feel comfortable joining them uninvited if I happened to run into them in a bar. As I contemplate the idea, in my mind the number dwindles rather quickly to the mid double digits; actually, it is probably considerably lower than that. That reality seems to set me apart from most other people—assuming, of course, Dunbar’s Number is a legitimate concept. If the reasonably close social sphere for other people is between 100 and 250 and if my number is closer to 15—or fewer—there must be some significance in that gulf of difference. What that significance might be, though, is beyond me. I suppose, though, having a larger sphere allows a person to maintain contact with “important” people, regardless of how many within a person’s sphere are out of touch—busy with family or other friends, out of town, engage with business commitments, etc., etc. I imagine a smaller sphere can quickly evaporate when members of that sphere have other obligations and commitments. In that case, the isolation associated with smaller numbers can transform into loneliness.

This is all supposition, of course. I know very little about Dunbar’s Number, really. The concept was advanced in the 1990s, long after my college career was over. And, besides, my college career was geared toward sociology, not anthropology, so I may be dealing with comparisons between apples and alligators here. I sometimes wonder why I explore things that are clearly beyond my experience and expertise and relevance. Perhaps it’s simply a way to avoid things that matter. Things that are more difficult to address that hypotheticals about which I have little to no exposure. Hmm. I should think more on that.

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I cannot think clearly this morning, for some reason. I should leave this attempted blog post and return to it…or another one…when my mind is more attuned to such matters.

Time. Though everyone is familiar with the word—whether in English or one of the roughly 6,500 other languages in use worldwide—most people infrequently give the concept of Time the deep and abiding attention it deserves. We measure it with clocks and calendars and changes in the physical world around us. And changes in ourselves. But the deeper mysteries of Time rarely command our attention and devoted exploration. We take Time for granted. Though we know the amount of Time available to each of us is limited, we hardly ever allow our thoughts to delve deeply into it. That infinitesimally tiny fraction available to us during our brief personal experience with its mystery is taken for granted, as if nothing we can do will change the way we experience Time. Yet, if we take the long view of Time, we can view parts of the past and the future with extraordinary clarity.

Looking backward, tracing our own genealogical links only a few generations, we can begin to understand how Time changed the world into which we were born. Examining evidence of how our parents and grandparents and great-grandparents and great-great-grandparents lived can provide snapshots of reality in a Time experienced by our forebears not long ago. And if we imagine the world in which today’s newborns celebrate their eightieth birthdays, we realize those people are, today, inhabitants of the twenty-second century. Those eighty-year-olds will have witnessed the celebratory transition to a new century a few years before they became octogenarians. Some of their grandchildren could live to celebrate the twenty-third century.

Not long ago, the internet did not exist. Personal computers had not been invented. The idea of cell phones was a science fiction fantasy. Many people alive today remember cars without power brakes and power steering. Today’s eighty-three year old people were born the same year the first automatic transmissions were used in production models of Cadillac and Oldsmobile. Hundreds of thousands of products in common use today had not even been conceived before World War II. And many other products were invented, placed into common use, and retired when they became obsolete or, at the very least, rare—replaced by newer, better, more efficient products: Dictaphones^®, fax machines, Polaroid^® cameras, etc., etc. Allowing our fantasies free rein, we might imagine what technologies—almost unthinkable today—might exist one or two or three hundred years hence. By employing our imaginations in such a way, we experience Time as a vehicle of dreams…change…fancy…illusion.

I found a fascinating article on BBC.com that says the following;

How far do we have to go back to find the most recent common ancestor of all humans alive today? Again, estimates are remarkably short. Even taking account of distant isolation and local inbreeding, the quoted figures are 100 or so generations in the past: a mere 3,000 years ago.

And one can, of course, project this model into the future, too. The maths tells us that in 3,000 years someone alive today will be the common ancestor of all humanity.

Just 3,000 years ago, there may have been one person who is a common ancestor of everyone alive today. And someone today is—or will be—the common ancestor to everyone alive in the year 5023. Granted, the numbers are mind-boggling, but nonetheless they tell a fascinating story about genealogy. But more importantly, they clearly express the effects or the outcome or the byproducts…or whatever…of Time.

I am certain I am not the common ancestor of all the inhabitants of Planet Earth in 5023, but someone reading this post may be. Probably not…but it is possible. If one could ride along with Time as it trudges forward, the amount of knowledge to which that person could be exposed is vast. Incomprehensible. Or, if Time willingly carried that same person back three thousand years in an effort to find our common ancestor, the effects of the passage of Time would be, without a doubt, stunning.

Thus far in this post, I have treated Time as if it relies on the Earth’s circumnavigation around the Sun. But Time is relative. In a distant galaxy, the concept of Time could be radically different from the way we conceive it here. Rather than the rather parochial perspective of ancestral commonality based on the passage, in either direction, of 3,000 “years,” an interstellar perspective might be based on the formation and disintegration of stars or galaxies. Or of this and multiple other universes. Time is both infinitesimally small, as in fractions of a second, and immensely large, as in existentially vast, far beyond comprehension.

I thrive on the superficial exploration of the unknowable. What, for example, would…never mind…secrets are timeless. But I might share some of them. And I am a willing recipient of shared secrets, secrets that remain locked in my brain well beyond the end of Time. That trite phrase summons other unknowable questions that gnaw at me every moment of every day: does Time have an end? And did it have a beginning? Unlike many questions, Time will not tell. The answer to these—and so many other—questions will remain unanswered until…

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No experience, regardless of how painful or overwhelming, is the end of the world. Except, of course, those unfathomably horrible experiences that clearly and irrevocably foretell the end of the world.

I have always identified as a man. Never have I questioned that identity. That certainty notwithstanding, I also always have believed masculinity and femininity are not exclusively binary. But American society (and most others) equates certain attributes with “maleness” and others with “femaleness.” Our culture encourages males to embrace “male” attributes and females to embrace “female” attributes. Like so many other aspects of reality, though, the extent to which a person feels “male” or “female” differs from person to person. But “pure” males are, by and large, just caricatures. They are artificial expressions of “macho-ness.” Maybe, after extensive behavioral reinforcement, gender-related contrivances morph into a stilted reality—but I doubt instances of extreme “maleness” or extreme “femaleness” are natural.

An attribute that, in our culture, is associated with femininity is a tendency toward emotional release—crying, specifically. Men who tend to be unable to easily control their tears find themselves mocked in cinematic portrayals of the “weak,” “feminine” male character. And it is not just cinematic portrayals, of course—actors learn to mimic and amplify real-world behaviors.  The reverse is true, as well. Women who rarely “emote” through crying sometimes find they are judged as cold and unfeeling—”masculine,” in other words.

The matter of masculinity and femininity is on my mind this morning in response to an article I read on BBC.com yesterday. The piece addresses the ways in which members of “Gen-Z” view gender differently from the ways older people do. Gen-Z members seem to acknowledge the fluidity of gender. Rather than an “either-or” definition of maleness and femaleness, they seems to identify gender along a spectrum, according to the article. It is not that Gen-Z members no longer identify as cisgender or male or female. Instead, they are unwilling to accept that gender always is binary. This adjustment in attitudes did not occur suddenly with the emergence of Gen-Z; it was beginning to emerge in Baby Boomers and Millenials, but Gen-Z apparently is allowing the attitude to overwhelm the bigotry of earlier generations.

Though I remain somewhat mystified by the concept of non-binary gender, thanks to public explanations like that in the BBC.com article, I am beginning to better understand the complexities of gender. And as I better understand those complexities, I am beginning to recognize how masculinity and femininity are not attributes that exist on two separate planes but, rather, are simply ranges at opposite ends of a spectrum. Most people, I think, find our identities clustered toward one end or the other, but few of us are at the extremes. We lean in one direction or another, but we tend to exhibit a few—or many—attributes more common toward the other end. That may explain why some men seem more emotional than others and some women seem more stoic than many of their counterparts. And it might reveal the reason some men prefer wide-ranging, intellectual conversations to discussions about sports. Of course, those preferences may have nothing whatsoever to do with gender; their basis may be entirely in upbringing and/or the environments in which they spend most of their time.

I suspect society, by and large, has long and successfully discouraged expressions of gender than are non-binary. Only relatively lately have young people, especially, been willing to shatter the stereotypes. I wonder how that process will unfold in the coming fifty or one hundred years? I won’t be around to see it, but it might be interesting to incorporate ideas about it in fiction. Or not. We shall see. We always do.

Rolling Fork, Mississippi, mostly to the west of US Highway 61, is just beyond the northern edge of the Delta National Forest. The town is a few miles west of the Theodore Roosevelt National Wildlife Refuge. Until a few days ago, the town name and its nearby nationally designated preserves, were virtually unknown. But a devastating tornado suddenly focused a national—even global—spotlight on the place.

The same kind of unexpected and unwanted attention is bearing down on the Covenant School in Nashville, Tennessee. Though Nashville is widely known—famous, in fact—the Covenant School was not. Until another in a long string of murderous shootings trained the world’s attention on the small, 200-student school.

Until early 1993, Waco, Texas generally avoided the national spotlight. The city was, by and large, a small, conservative, religious, backwater sort of place. But, then, David Koresch and his Branch Davidian cult followers got sideways with Federal law enforcement, culminating in a hail of bullets and a firestorm of black smoke and explosions.

Tragedy regularly rears its head and draws our attention to people and places about whom and which we knew almost nothing. Following ages-old tradition, print and broadcast media know how to take advantage of disaster: if it bleeds, it leads. Who can fault the media, though? Media simply delivers what consumers want: the taste and smell and sight of fresh blood; something simultaneously stunning and frightening and chilling and exciting—something hideous that makes mundane lives seem a little less boring and a little more fortunate. But accompanying that sense of good fortune in the face of bad is the seed of anxiety. Spilled blood provides the necessary nutrients for gnawing anxiety to morph into full-grown, unending terror.

We have grown used to living in unrestrained fear.  Terror fits us like a custom-tailored suit. Over time, our constant sense of uneasiness has taken on the mantle of normalcy. Emotional relaxation would feel odd and uncomfortable—probably. We can only imagine what that dream-state would be like, because we have never actually experienced it. The world has become too dangerous, too predictably unpredictable, too treacherous for ease to set in. The constant state of semi-preparedness for horror makes real relaxation impossible. Newspapers and magazines and radio and television news keep us primed for catastrophe.

And off we go. Another Tuesday. Another day of anticipating the next mind-numbing tragedy.

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Is it any wonder that isolation appeals to me? Is it any wonder that seclusion, without access to news about the wider world, is deeply alluring? But reality steps in to remind me that external events, alone, cannot take credit for one’s constant sense of unease. Injury and disease can take place without notice and without prompts from the media. Living, by itself, can put a person in the cross-hairs of cataclysmic events. Symptoms that call for anti-anxiety medications and anti-depression pills argue against requiring prescriptions; they are sufficiently common to warrant over-the-counter availability. But if prescriptions are required for them, one can turn to alcohol, the timeless cure for the challenges of living. Except when its consumption is prohibited, thanks to overly-protective doctors who have never experienced the underside of life.

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I could go on for days with this litany of life’s offenses. But what value would such an undertaking have? Undertaking. That’s an interesting perspective on the matter.

Disputes about Daylight Savings time are making the news. Lebanese Prime Minister Najib Mikati decreed that clocks would not be move forward by an hour until April 20; in response, the Maronite Church said it would disregard the decision and would set clocks forward by an hour on Saturday evening as had been long-planned. Efforts to control Time continue to rumble about elsewhere, too. Residents of Greenland have moved their clocks forward, into Daylight Savings Time, for the last time (if action by the country’s parliament, the Inatsisartu, remains intact). Conversations and debates continue around the globe, exploring the pros and cons of adopting permanent structural changes to the ways in which humans experience Time. Humans have about as much chance altering Time as we do adjusting Gravity. No matter how extensive our efforts to adjust scales to account for gravitational aberrations, gravity will respond only to universal forces far more powerful than anything humans can bring to bear. The same is true with time. Humans can pretend to exercise control over time by changing the ways we respond to the position of the sun or the moon or whatever else we might choose. But make no mistake about it: we are not changing Time; we change only the ways in which we react to its passage. We cannot adequately define precisely what constitutes Time; we have  less than a snowball’s chance in Hell of bending Time to suit us. In fact, if we examine ourselves from sufficient distance, we will see that Time changes us. Not the other way around. But, still, we assert our superiority over elements of the universe whose powers clearly are superior to our own. The idea, obviously, is to convince enough of the gullible and easily-led to believe they have control over the machinery of existence that controls them. It is funny and pathetic, except for the fact that it is inconceivably sad—yet, still, pathetic.

Time and Gravity really are the same as time and gravity; the only difference is cosmetic. For some reason, capital letters seem to carry with them a certain degree of gravitas,  unavailable to their lower-case cousins. The same inexplicable cosmetic variations exist for Life and life, as well as for Death and death. As for Eternity and eternity, the jury is still out. If I were a betting Man/man, I would put my money on capital letters, if only because Capitalism seems to have considerably more “oomph” than mere capitalism. Discussions of Capitalism almost always lead, eventually, to conversations about Greed. Indeed, the relationships between Capitalism and Greed seem far closer, at times, than the relationships between either Capitalism and capitalism or Greed and greed.

Humans chip away at the foundations of language every hour of every day. Language cannot remain intact for long because humans insist on “improving” it by adding or subtracting syllables or words. People transform beautifully complex linguistic expressions into cheap, tawdry, simple abbreviations. LOL. For God’s sake! Is nothing sacred? How can people brutalize spectacularly sculptural declarations, in the form of incomprehensibly beautiful paragraphs, by tearing away crucial pieces and replacing them with tacky, incoherent utterances?

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I write too much. And what I write often is insufficiently interesting to merit a reader’s attention from beginning to end. Essentially, that coincides with a judgment that my writing is meaningless bullshit. And, in fact, it can be just that. But buried beneath the layers of linguistic dung are, I believe, shreds of worthy ideas. Even the nonsense carries with it a few strings of meritorious thought; tiny seeds of ideas that, given adequate nutrition and enough water, can transform random weeds into lush carpets of kudzu. Kudzu signals the erasure of Western civilization, supplanted by Eastern philosophy adapted to new landscapes. Neither Eastern nor Western philosophy is sufficient; nor is either complete. That is because both schools of thought are hemispheric. That is, both capture only fractional components of reality and both pieces of the larger whole are seen through prismatic fragments; the result is partial blindness to Truth and Beauty. Knowledge, untainted by Interpretation, can be attained only by experiencing true Spherical philosophies—ways of considering, seeing, and understanding reality that encompass all perspectives. And those perspectives must be experienced in the context of their interactions with each and all of the other perspectives within and beyond the sphere. It sounds complex, but actually it is simplicity in its most honest and obvious form.

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Characters from some of my past writing are stirring. Their attempts to crawl out of their cryogenic chambers into the light and heat of a new season are getting my attention. Lugubria, Inebria, Phaelaysho, Rumour, and countless others are shouting at me, insisting it is time to get to know them better. They urge me to remove the nails that keep the doors shut to the Fourth Estate Tavern and Scrawl and Cobra. Calypso Kneeblood and Garcia, too, urge me to release them from the tombs I constructed inside my head. Concubinia, a newer addition to the cast of characters, leaves me hints that I should embark on a voyage of writing, too, that might lead me to enlightenment. I have left the hypothetical town of Struggles, Arkansas in limbo for too long. It is high time I should work to rebuild some of its crumbling infrastructure and to revive some of the crumbling lives of some of its poverty-stricken residents. That little town boasts an overflowing reservoir of intellectual expression, unlike any other town in Arkansas. Or, for that matter, anywhere else. Calypso Kneeblood lives inside my head, by the way. He has constructed an unimposing A-frame at the intersection of my brain stem and cerebellum, with pathways leading from his front porch to the frontal lobe and the occipital lobe. Wait! It is after 9 a.m.! Horrors!

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My “regular” readers have probably left for the day, assuming my writing has finally dried up. Too bad. I was just thinking about them and was going to share with them some secrets that I share only with a few of the people with whom I am closest and value most. Such is life. I’m off to explore what breakfast and a shower can do for my state of mind.

Maybe it is the change of seasons—the fact that Winter is officially over and Spring is upon us (or, for those in the southern hemisphere, Summer just ended and Autumn has begun). I doubt the change of seasons in the southern hemisphere can be held to account, so if there’s a seasonal connection, it must be the version reserved for the northern hemisphere. While the seasons may play a part, I am certain they are not entirely responsible. It’s the wanderlust again. That’s what’s making me edgy—the urge to hit the highway, Route 66 style. That is, with no constraints imposed by a plan—because there would not be one. And no destination; just “go.” I long for that boundless road trip, but I like having my home base, too. In other words, I want opposites: dangerous safety; boring adventure; freezing heat; boiling ice; you get my drift. The impossible. But that is what drives fantasy, is it not? Impossible dreams. The unfolding of the world—and events in it—in magical fashion, free of life’s ugly flaws and traumatic disappointments. That, in itself, is a fantasy.

The sudden disappointment of a hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes.

~ Thomas Hardy ~

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My philosophy is fluid. Or, as I am wont to say, it is contextual.

Wait! THAT statement could be misinterpreted. Someone might interpret it to mean my core beliefs could be swayed by circumstances. It’s not the BELIEFS that could swayed; it’s the circumstances surrounding their application. For example, I oppose the euthanasia of animal rescue shelter guests after a certain period of time passes. On the other hand, I favor euthanizing animals, rather than leaving them to fend for themselves in a harsh environment.

It is hard to say how the paragraph above coincides with my philosophy about humanity, but, somehow, it does. Perhaps it is because it reveals that the addition of information to one’s understanding can alter not only one’s understanding but the way in which one reacts to it. A person who vacillates between opposing positions is not necessarily “wishy-washy” but, instead, may simply be highly discerning. He may be able to simultaneously see a set of circumstances from multiple perspectives. Depending on perspective, then, he may made very different decisions about what he experiences.

Logic tells me to bear such stuff in mind before making judgments about people. But emotion tells me to disregard logic and go strictly with my gut. Naturally, I sometimes find myself hating and loving a person at the same time. Fortunately, my ambivalence usually applies only to people I do not know well.

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We humans measure wisdom with antiquated tools. Rulers and balance scales cannot do an adequate job of determining the scope and size of an immeasurable characteristic. But we try to employ the tools we use to measure the physical world to measuring the philosophical world. Those two worlds are in different places. Different dimensions. Different purposes. Sometimes, they blend together effortlessly. But, often, they clash. They square off, passionately insistent that only one worldview really matters. They learn, though, the truth: one’s worldview is irrelevant. It’s one’s ability to adapt to radical change.

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I do not understand the “threats” posed by China. Though I see clear evidence of belligerence and hostility on the part of Russia, China does not seem especially bellicose. I sometimes get the sense that the USA is, as often as not, the one stirring the pot between us and them. Let me add this: if the “threats” include the natural byproducts of competitive commerce, I do see them. China seems fully prepared to take over the world from the standpoint of economic muscle and precision focus. In my opinion, that competition is not necessarily politically combative or contentious; it’s the nature of capitalism. Obviously, China is quite adept at capitalism, despite “our” claim to fame as the world’s preeminent capitalist society. We might once have legitimately held claim to that title, but no more. We rested on our laurels while China and various other Asian countries/economies perfected their strategies. That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

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Talent. Is it an innate characteristic, or does it require planting and intense cultivation?

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The crows outside my window are loud. Obnoxiously loud. Annoyingly, irritatingly, offensively loud. I generally admire and appreciate sounds from the natural world. But these…these disgusting squawks that sound both artificial and demonic…they are right up there with chiggers and mosquitos, in terms of their repulsiveness. They give the natural world a bad name.

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The topics of intimate conversations can be dull. Deadly dull. But intimate conversations can save a person’s sanity. They can reinforce one’s sense that the world is not entirely chaotic; that there are fundamentally good aspects to a sometimes seemingly miserable cesspool of irredeemable losers. Intimate conversations are the discussions about anything and everything that take place between good friends; meaningless drivel and life-changing secrets, all kept in strictest confidence without need of a reminder about its confidentiality. Because intimate conversations are, by nature, limited. Never more than two people. Even in their drab overcoats, these dull, grey conversations can revive the irretrievably lost, bathing them in colorful garments invisible to everyone else.

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I am drifting in and out of vacancy. My mind wanders off and refuses to return without significant prodding. Enough. Maybe I should light some incense and tell my mind to chill.

One-fingered blogging. The only devices in the house with internet access are smartphones. With tiny keyboards designed for little-bitty people with itsy-bitzy fingers. The reason the usual internet devices are unavailable is that the loudest, most violent, damn-near-heart-stopping clap of thunder I have ever heard (and its accompanying lightning bolt) killed the modem. The only device in the house that was killed in the attack. Among the few sophisticated electronic devices that went unprotected against electrical spikes. The modem is totally dead. No lights. No noise. Nothing. Ach! But AT&T says a replacement will arrive by FedEx today. Good. In the absence of the internet last night, we watched a Pixar film, Cars, that mi novia has on DVD.

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I am ashamed of how addicted I am to the internet. Even though my smart-phone has a tiny keyboard and a tiny screen, I find myself checking the news, searching on Google, and otherwise indulging my addiction. Perhaps I should check myself in to a Buddhist monastery where the monks practice and enforce on visitors a vow of both silence and of technological abstinance.

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Mi novia is used to her Kindle, which she relies on to supply her with a steady stream of…mostly non-fiction books (I think). I sometimes am slow to adapt. Though in most circumstances I am quite comfortable with technology, I can be something of a Luddite when it comes to books. Magazines, newspapers, etc., etc. are no problem…but books? Still, I have a pretty new Kindle. I should shame myself into using it.

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Normally, after having been up for an hour (up at 4 again), I would have skimmed the news, played a word game or two, and just started on my blog post. My technological tragedy imposed a different routine on me. After feeding the yowling, gluttonous cat (Phaedra) and making coffee, I set right into writing this post. One-fingered typing imposes its own set of limits on blogging. Realizing that this blog post, like so many of my others, is just a diary reveals others. It has become just a daily journal. I hereby vow that, soon after I have internet access again, I will give thought to writing about more philosophical matters. And sometime thereafter, I will act on those thoughts. An utterly immeasureable objective! Hah!

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I have gotten this far, in fits and starts. But I will go no further. For now. An early breakfast might be just the ticket for laying the foundation for a day that’s beyond acceptable. 🙃

A 12-hour sickness. That is the only way I can think of to describe my experience yesterday afternoon. Not long after I returned home from a meeting at church, I quite suddenly started feeling ill. I developed a headache, my feet and hands felt ice-cold, I was feverish, and I shivered so much that my teeth chattered. Although the temperature in the house was about 75°F, I needed multiple blankets to warm me; only after spending an hour or so under those blankets did I stop shivering. Mi novia checked my temperature: though not high enough to be concerning, it was, at 100.5°F, about three degrees warmer than normal. I spent several hours reclining on a sofa, under three blankets, until I moved into the bedroom around 10:00 p.m. During those hours on the sofa, my gut growled relentlessly, though no pain accompanied the noisy racket. When I woke this morning around 4:00, I felt much better: no more shivers, only a mild headache, and no longer feverish. I do not feel like running a marathon, but I am much closer to “normal” than I was yesterday afternoon and evening. That having been said, my mind feels strangely “fuzzy” this morning, as if I were recovering from anesthesia. I should engage in follow-up from yesterday’s church board meeting, but I do not feel quite up to giving that chore adequate intellectual attention. Maybe later in the day. Oddly, though I had no dinner, I am not hungry this morning. I wish I knew what happened to make me feel so suddenly sick; and why I feel better this morning. I hope the improvement is not temporary.

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The CIA World Factbook offers a rather sterile, indifferent picture of the Faroe Islands. An “arts” piece on CNN.com presents a more human, rather emotional portrait of the nation from the perspective of a photographer,  Andrea Gjestvang, whose photographs capture the stark, unforgiving landscape and the islands’ male/female imbalance. The nation’s population is weighted toward men, with 107 men to every 100 women. After reading the CNN.com piece, I searched the internet for details about the country and, later, for photographs of its rugged landscape. The place is absolutely stunning in its beauty, though its harsh, mountainous character suggests it would be a hard place to live. The average high temperatures throughout the year range from the low 40s to the mid 50s; the average lows range from the mid 30s to the mid 40s.  And the island climate is marked by frequent cloud covers and high winds. A harsh, rough, demanding place of spectacular beauty. I think I might love to spend time there, but it seems like a place that does not treat aging, physically unfit, old men especially well. I suspect life on the Faroe Islands demands physical and mental and emotional strength. I probably would not find it easy to live on the Faroe Islands, simply because the prevalent language (Faroese) is not in my repertoire. According to the official site of the Faroe Islands: “Faroese is similar in grammar to Icelandic and Old Norse, but closer in pronunciation to Norwegian.”

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Though I have been up for nearly two hours, I suddenly feel very tired again. Here it is, a quarter to six, and I am feeling a bit weak and sleepy. Damn! Maybe a nap will revive my energy.

For the second consecutive night, I was awake well before 4. In fact, I was awake before 3. And by 2. But I stayed in bed until roughly 3:25, determined to get to sleep. By 3:25, though, I recognized the effort would be fruitless. So I got up. I hope to get to sleep again, perhaps by 5 or 6 or 7. Whether or not I am successful, I have decided to skip the men’s church breakfast this morning. There’s no point in trying to either speak or listen coherently after a night of insomnia. I wonder whether my writing in the next little while will be as incomprehensible as are my thoughts at the moment? When I look back on what I write, I will have the answer.

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Yesterday afternoon, during an aimless drive through the backstreets of Hot Springs, we listened to a fascinating All Things Considered segment on NPR. The short piece covered the results—and interpretation—of the sequencing of Ludwig van Beethoven’s genes. The segment covered far more ground that I am prepared to write about this morning, but the bottom line (as I remember it) is that Beethoven’s hearing loss and his severe gastrointestinal issues, along with suppositions about his consumption of alcohol, may well be explained as the results of the intersection between the composer’s genetics and his habits. His genes, by the way, were sequenced from samples of his hair. Apparently, there’s plenty of his hair from which to sequence genes.

I do not need to know what I learned from the ATC segment. But hearing such stuff is an incredibly delightful experience. It is a shame that so many über-conservative slugs are so hell-bent on reducing or eliminating funding for public radio programming. It’s as if the bastards are intent on dumbing-down their constituents—perhaps with the objective of bringing the voting population down to a level on par with the politicians.

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If my moods could be measured as electrical signals, represented on an oscilloscope, the patterns on the screen would form a regular sine wave, with peaks and valleys of equal strength, size, and distance. I know almost nothing about sine waves, so my description may be utterly meaningless; but at least I know what I mean, regardless of whether anyone else does. The peaks of the waves would represent feelings of hope and confidence. The valleys, despair and doubt. Over time, the peaks would diminish in size and strength. The valleys would dip lower and longer. At some point, the pattern would flatten to the point that there would be no discernible rise and fall; to use a term I hear bandied about occasionally on medical dramas, it would flat-line. Hopelessness. Capitulation to the powers that strive to paint everything dull gray. Not the vibrant grey I find so appealing; instead, the gray that drowns every streak of color in inescapably hideous drabness. When that gray attaches anchors to every affirmative emotion, the world becomes pointless. Life becomes an error that can be corrected only through erasure. God, I know how bleak that must seem. And it is. But that describes the low point on the oscilloscope. The valley that becomes the flat-line. With enough of a jolt, the pattern returns to its regular wave form, but there’s never any assurance that a jolt will have enough power to drive the line back to “normal.”

I will ignore this bleakness. It is the product of two nights of insomnia. And, probably, the outcome of inhaling a few fine hairs from a cat sitting on my forehead.

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I had a great idea yesterday: sell my car and use some of the proceeds to buy a cheaper, older one. I would use the balance of the money from the sale to have some work done on the house; new kitchen counters, perhaps, or painting some cabinetry, and/or some other desirable projects. But, after learning how much I might expect to get from my nearly-seven-year-old car and how much an even older car that lacks much of what I find appealing about my car would cost, I have abandoned the idea. It was not such a great idea, after all. My car would fetch less than I would have to spend on a car a few years older and far less “upscale.” I tend to tilt at windmills. I dream. I fantasize. I imagine a world that does not exist. Crap! It worked so well in my mind…

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It is just after 5 now. I think I will try again to sleep. Attempted slumber. It sounds like something for which I might be arrested and jailed. I hope not. I would not do well in a cell. Not well at all.

Thanks to Phaedra, I woke about 3:45 this morning…well, it wasn’t entirely Phaedra’s doing. Whistling from my BiPap mask caused me to awaken, but Phaedra took advantage of the situation by stepping on my head. I was ready to get up, anyway. In pre-Phaedra days, I would have gotten up and stealthily gone about my morning routine. But nowadays I must be conscious of her presence. Even when she allows me the solitude I seek, I remain aware that she could appear at the French doors to my study at any moment, staring at me through the glass panes and yowling to be admitted. In days gone by, the doors would have been open. No more. Because she might come in and take up residence on my desk, on top of my keyboard.

I think Phaedra is cute. She is, by and large, a pleasant presence. But she can be an intruder, as well. She can and does infringe on my relationship with the wee hours of the morning. Perhaps I will get used to sharing my solitude with a cat. I can only hope.

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Three Spanish-language series we have watched/are watching recently have at least one thing in common: Jose Coronado. And two of them have another commonality: Luis Zahera. Unauthorized Living (original title: Vivir sin permiso), Wrong Side of the Tracks (original title: Entrevías), and The Snow Girl (original title: La chica de nieve) quickly captured our interest, from the moment we began watching them. The two actors I mentioned, Coronado and Zahera, are ideal for the roles they play, though their roles are quite different between the series. If anyone who reads this post has watched any or all of the series, I would be interested to learn of others’ reactions to them.

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Some mornings—and this is one of them—I have a very strong desire for a breakfast that includes sausage patties laced with fiery spices, hash browns, and baked tomatoes. Two of the three are acceptable; the hash browns, not so much. Unfortunately, even if I accept that hash browns are off the menu, because I have no sausage in the house I cannot accommodate my desires. I could bake a Compari tomato or two, but even that would not fulfill my wishes. Baked tomatoes should use big, juicy slicing tomatoes. The bottom line is that my strong desire will have to wither over time, unfulfilled. Damn it. I may go out today and buy sausage and slicing tomatoes so I can accommodate at least some of my gluttonous lust tomorrow.  The reason I am so hungry this morning is that I did not have dinner last night. I did not have dinner because I had a big, inappropriate lunch yesterday: a restaurant meal of alambre.

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It is a fantasy. An imaginary existence. Something unlikely, but attractive in an odd sort of way. I dream about a scenario in which I take a long road trip; a journey to clear my head and sort out the confusion that has been building for ten years or more. What do I want to be when I grow up? Really. What vocation would I choose if I had it to do over again? That doesn’t matter anymore. What matters is this trip. This long, wandering, drifting search. I find myself several miles from Elkhart, Kansas, at the end of a gravel road. The house is old but well-kept. Set in the middle of forty acres, the house once was a farm house. But time has taken its toll on the farm; it hasn’t been used to grow crops in several years. Yet it did, once. And it was prolific. Everything planted there grew. Vegetables of every stripe and variety. And it could happen again. I see it, in my mind’s eye. Suddenly, I make a decision: I will buy this place. And I do. One hundred and ninety-four thousand, seven hundred dollars. It’s a steal. I pay cash for the place. And I move in. A year passes. The place is surrounded by lush plants. More tomatoes than I could ever count. Lettuce. Broccoli. All sorts of herbs. Squash. More squash. And more and more vegetables. I never really thought I would become “Farmer John,” but it has happened. My Kubota tractor is a trustworthy companion. I get it up and running every day just before sunrise. Quite the success. But I left something behind. I forgot to mention I might not return right away. Ach! Damn! I’ll never be forgiven. And then I realize; it’s just a fantasy. I do not own a tractor.

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I picked up my completed tax returns yesterday. Before I left the preparer’s office, I noticed a mistake: the IRS was instructed to send my tax refund to a bank where I no longer do business. That was easily fixed while I was in the office (the routing number was correct, but the bank name was not).  When I got home, on closer inspection I discovered the account number to which the refund should be deposited was incorrect. I had noted both corrections (with yellow highlighter) on materials I had supplied to the preparer when I submitted materials for completing the return. The lesson I learned, quite by accident: double check the work of tax preparers. Paid professionals make mistakes. We might wish they didn’t, but they do.

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Daybreak is about two hours away. For some reason, I cannot seem to summon creativity this morning. So, a few minutes before 5:30, I will stop trying to write anything of consequence. It’s just not in me for the moment.

Mi novia probably has investigated you. She probably knows more about you than you have shared with her; maybe more than you have shared with your family. One of her hobbies tends to keep her investigative skills finely honed; she explores the backgrounds of people she encounters or reads or hears about. It is an outgrowth of her career as a fraud investigator. I sometimes wonder how much she really knows about me. Certainly she knows more than I have told her. And she knows about my family. Not must my immediate family, but my family history. Where they came from. Who they married. What careers they chose…or were chosen for them. Not everything, of course. But considerably more than I know. And she may know how many marriages you have had and where you were married. Whether you have been arrested and, if so, why.

Actually, I am rather dramatically overstating her propensity to investigate everyone she encounters. In fact, she tends to limit her sleuthing to newsmakers, especially those who are in the news because of criminal accusations against them. So, you do not need to worry that your secrets will be exposed. Even if she uncovers them, she will not spread them like runaway viruses. Tranquilo.

+++

Dreams may be outlets for expressions of shame or embarrassment. That possibility occurs to me this morning because of two situations I recall from my dreams last night. In one, I was riding in an open-air train car through a crowded downtown area, on the way to a spot where I would rent an automobile. The shame came as I recognized that I was the only one smoking a cigarette and that the smoke could be bothersome to other riders. But I did not stop. Shame continued as I insisted to one of two companions, David Garcia, that—after I had rented the car—I knew exactly where I was going. Even though I had only vague recollections of the way to our destination (an enormous permanent festival that covered several dozen blocks in every direction), I assured him I knew the way. There was much more to the dream that than; but the only “message” I got out of it was its apparent relationship to expressing shame or embarrassment. Hmm.

Do not tell secrets to those whose faith and silence you have not already tested.

~ Elizabeth I ~

+++

Several times during the night, as I shifted from one side to another or from my back to my side, the pain of arthritis woke me with a start. I have become a proponent of the search for either a cure or a reliable pain-killing treatment for the condition—something that would either eliminate the pain or mask it completely, without the mess of creams and such. A one-time injection or a single treatment consisting of swallowing a small, unobtrusive pill would be ideal. See what you can do, will you?

+++

The soothing, slightly warm waters of a swimming pool, hidden behind the high walls of my rural compound, would feel delightful right now. Outdoor “mood” lighting spaced around the base of the walls, behind lush vegetation would provide the only illumination, other than the moon and stars. I would swim and float in the nude; there would be no reason to wear a swimsuit, because there would be no need to conform to irrational social conventions (social “abnorms,” I sometimes call them). Guests, if I had them, would have to adapt to nudity in the pool. Once inside, though—and dry—I would don loose-fitting, extremely comfortable attire.

At one end of the pool, a hot tub equipped with powerful water jets could erase the aches and pains of daily life and the decay of advancing age. Depending on how I felt after a swim, I might let the water jets sooth my aching muscles. This morning, I might skip the pool and spend a few hours letting the jets chase the aches away.

My mind is rife with fantasies. Lately, I have discovered the appeal of clandestine foreign service, for example. If I could live my life over, I might devote more time and energy to my studies, with an eye toward a career in furtive observation and secret data collection, analysis, and application. Deterring foreign operatives from accomplishing their objectives, which would mirror mine, has some appeal. Of course, it is possible that the story I tell about my career history is simply a cover for the real thing. It is entirely possible that my multiple—but far-too-brief—trips to other countries were sponsored and funded by the U.S. State Department. What other legitimate reason could I have had to travel to Moscow, Beijing, London, Marseilles, Dhahran, Lisbon, Madrid, etc., etc.? I might well be a retired spy, in other words. But, probably not.

+++

As I wrap up this stream-of-consciousness blather, you might assume all of the “junk” that goes though my mind does not leave much room to think about you. But that is not the case. I think about you more than you think. And I think about others in your circle more than you think. It’s all part of my exploration into how we’re all connected in some form or fashion. We are. The threads of connection are both as thick as rope and as thin as a strand of a kitten’s fur. If you look at them closely, you will see how intertwined we are with everyone and everything.

It was either the urgent need to pee or the cat’s footsteps on my face that woke me. Regardless of which intrusion on my slumber was responsible, I was rousted at roughly 5:00 this morning. I knew yesterday that this morning’s health-related routine would expose yesterday’s irresponsible behaviors. It was no surprise, then, that my weight increased, along with my blood glucose number. The fact that I got essentially no exercise yesterday exacerbated the situation. If I can muster the energy today, I will make up for three days of slothful behavior. And if I can retrieve the discipline that seems to have gone dormant, I will return to a healthy diet; no more donut holes, cookies, and other such goodies. And I will not go overboard on popcorn. Radishes must again be my go-to snack. And celery sticks.  Some days, though, I wonder whether complying with dietary restrictions is wise; I am denying myself simple pleasures just to delay the inevitable. Everyone dies, eventually. How much time, really, am I getting from these routines? Perhaps the payoff is avoidance of a slow, excruciatingly painful, demise. But there’s no guarantee of that. It’s like buying a term-life insurance policy, betting it will pay off before the policy expires, turning its alluring benefits for beneficiaries into useless, vaporous memories.

We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us.

~ Francois Rabelais ~

+++

Thinking such morbid thoughts (depending on one’s perspectives) causes me to examine other restrictions on behavior. Why adhere to social mores when the only penalty for breaking the rules is public contempt? How difficult might it be to cope with—and survive—contempt? Perhaps being shunned would be uncomfortable, but surely it is survivable, right? It is a matter of determining the cost-benefit of “bad” behavior, isn’t it? It’s true that I might be excoriated for making advances toward a married woman, resulting in the cost of being castigated by people who matter to me. But if my overtures were successful, I would need to evaluate the benefits of the transgression, analyzing the relative “weight” of the positives versus the negatives. Incidentally, this conversation is strictly hypothetical. No romantic relationships were harmed in the making of my points.

But, on a more serious vein, the penalties for breaking the rules, whatever they are, must be sold as serious and either physically or emotionally (or both) painful. Otherwise, the rules would have little effect on restraining or encouraging (depending on the context) behavior. Even if the actual pain of transgressions is minor, we must sell it (and buy it) as far more painful than most people can tolerate; and far more long-lasting. The alternative to good behavior (breaking the rules) must be presented as monstrously undesirable. I suspect we all know this, though our knowledge is, for the most part, buried in the subconscious areas of our brains. So, we are brain-washed into thinking our infractions are potentially life-shattering and horribly painful. Better to behave, we therefore think to ourselves, than to misbehave and taste the resulting sweet nectar. This rumination leads me to this: how has this hidden set of behavioral modification practices and principles come into being? What are the benefits to society for some of the least offensive restrictions with which we live? I am sure this topic could be fodder for a lengthy and potentially interesting exploration. But I am getting older by the second. I cannot afford to waste my time on such matters. Except, of course, to write about them.

+++

Three people have made unsolicited comments about my new glasses. Most people, it seems, are like me: we notice that “there’s something different about the way you look,” but we can’t quite put our fingers on it. So we keep it to ourselves. We’d rather be safe than sorry. We’d rather not say “have you lost weight?” for example, for fear of opening up a conversation about the person’s diagnosis of terminal cancer. But the real issue is this, I think: I (and many like me) are simply not especially good at recognizing changes in others’ appearances. We do not pay sufficiently close attention to details of a person’s appearance to know exactly WHAT is different; we know (or don’t) only that something is different.

As it happens, I think I will take my new glasses in for a reevaluation. The frames are okay; but the lenses seem perpetually “smeared,” as if they have a fine film of oil on them. I think they were not properly polished. We’ll see what the “lenses in two hours” people have to say about my complaint. Assuming they hold onto the glasses, I will revert to my other glasses; they still work perfectly well.

+++

You are on my mind. You know who you are. You are right to think what you think.

Hiding emotions is a practice almost all people employ. The reasons for hiding them are as varied as the emotions being hidden. Sometimes, people attempt to hide them from themselves. Secret emotions may be hidden to avoid hurting someone else: I think that pianist is far more accomplished than my friend, the piano player. Or they may hide ‘forbidden’ desires: I am drawn to her like a moth to a flame; I wish she felt the same way, but she seems firmly committed to her husband.

I suspect people in extreme emotional pain may hide their emotions to avoid the certainty of an “intervention:” Life is incredibly difficult for me and I see no way out of this pain, so I have decided to commit suicide. Emotions are complex states of mind. They should not be dismissed as fleeting responses to equally temporary moments. But neither should they consume one’s every waking hour and, then, provide structure to unpleasant dreams.

Poetry can provide an indecipherable (to everyone but oneself) outlet for hidden emotions. Poetry can hint at the emotions driving it, yet it can conceal them just enough to make those who read or hear its words unsure of the genesis of the poem. I suspect hidden emotions are among the most common triggers for poetry. Even poems that shove fierce emotions in the poetry-consumer’s face might hide underlying emotional prompts.

Despite my apparent inability to hide some emotions (as evidenced by floods of tears, on occasion), I reveal only a tiny fraction of them to anyone but myself. Rage, love, anger, disappointment, contempt, infatuation, passion, tenderness, mockery—all of them find comfortable places inside me to hide. When I lose control of my ability to contain any of them, I seem to morph into a different person. I wonder, which of the two people am I, really? I wish I knew, but I am afraid to know.

Follow your inner moonlight; don’t hide the madness.

~ Allen Ginsberg ~

+++

Last night’s dinner with friends from church was delightful. Though I call them friends, we do know really know them well, but we have wanted to know them better. The dinner helped fulfill that desire. From the moment we walked in their house, we felt relaxed and comfortable. I suppose it was their friendly, relaxed demeanor that made me feel immediately at ease. That is a rarity for me; I tend to be rather guarded when I enter new social situations. But that was not the case last night. The fact that they both seemed completely at ease and relaxed had a calming effect on me. Our conversations—at least their contributions to our discussions—were fascinating, too. As usual, I listened and observed far more than I contributed to the conversations, but unlike some situations, I did not feel even slightly out of place or uncomfortable with my relative silence. And the food was good. I hope my sense of the experience—that the evening was a success—was echoed in their assessments of our conversations. By the way, I learned that their taste in television and film is very similar to ours; their appreciation of Scandinavian crime thrillers binds us together!

+++

Another of my occasional habits is to look back at what I wrote on “today’s date” in years past. I indulged that habit this morning as I read what I wrote seven years ago today. My post on that day was entitled, “Becoming Canadian.”  The substance of my March 19, 2016 post dealt with my desire to visit Annapolis Royal, Nova Scotia, Canada. And, perhaps, to buy a house (along with the pottery business that was operated out of it). Annapolis Royal was designated the ‘most livable small town in the world’ by the U.N. in 2004.  The post included the following revelation about me: …I get restless, you know? I think, perhaps, I was born to be a vagabond, a  wanderer. Really, John? Maybe. I would like to dip my toes into that possibility, one day, and see whether a lifestyle in which “home” is more an experience than a place would suit me.

+++

Five o’clock on a Sunday morning. Half an hour after I got up, I wrote the following paragraph. But I wrote more, later and I re-ordered my writing to better reflect my sense about the world in which I live.

During the thirty minutes since I slid out of bed, I’ve made coffee, fed a bit of canned food to a yowling cat, and read various bits and pieces of news, etc. Among the news that attracted my attention:  failed efforts to change the name of the Audubon Society in recognition that its founder was a slave owner and trader and did other “despicable things.” And, as usual, Putin grabbed headlines; today for his visit to Russian-occupied Mariupol, Ukraine. In other news: Wyoming was the first state to ban abortion pills; the immediate Past President of the United States says he expected to arrested on Tuesday; a deadly earthquake has shaken southern Ecuador and northern Peru; and other matters that are, in the overall scheme of life on Earth, irrelevant to me. I am not suggesting these headlines are irrelevant to humankind—only to me and the actions I take during the course of the day. Yet, still, I read about them and allow myself to react, both intellectually and emotionally. I need to relax my brain which, in turn, might allow the tightened muscles in my face and neck and shoulder and arms and back to loosen a bit. Okay. I will stop writing for a few moments while I light a cone of incense; perhaps it will accelerate my decompression.

+++

I smell the aroma of the burning cone of patchouli incense. My intent in lighting it was to calm my somewhat frazzled thoughts. Whether it works will be answered over time; the next fifteen minutes or more. In the interim, I will write. I might better serve my own pursuit of serenity by delaying my usual activities; but I have a routine from which I hesitate to deviate—for reasons that are, to me, inexplicable. Oh, I do occasionally deviate from my one truly reliable routine, but when I do I feel out of sorts for a while. So I try not to wander too far from my customary morning behavior (already changed, thanks to Phaedra’s yowling meows, the purpose of which I have yet to discern).

+++

I am ready for my second cup of coffee. The first one is almost gone, but what remains is ice cold. A fresh, hot cinnamon role would be nice, too, but my diabetes-based dietary restrictions prohibit (well, “discourage” is probably a more appropriate word) that culinary enjoyment. I could write for hours, but no one would be willing to invest the time required to read it all. So, I will call this already-too-long post “finished.”

Only time will tell whether the relationship will endure. Time will reveal the existence (or absence) of patience. Time will reveal the tolerance (or lack thereof) for fine fibers of fur on every exposed surface. Time will reveal whether my sudden dry cough is a response to the weather or to something over which I have about as much control. Clearly, the clues have made it obvious: mi novia and I adopted a young (we think) cat. In deference to me relenting on the idea of introducing a cat to our house, mi novia allowed me to name the yowling beast. The name I gave her: Phaedra.

With a name like Phaedra, this cat is going places. There’s no question she has a bright future, in the spotlights, when she is going to shine as bright as the brightest star. That’s assuming both of us (make that all three of us) can come to some sort of agreeable middle ground on matters about which we might have disputes. Like insisting on crawling into my lap, and then over my chest to top of my head while I am sitting at the computer, trying to write. And like stepping on my face, and then swishing her tail so that it tickles my eyebrows and my nose (I refer here to Phaedra.) And jumping onto my desk, blocking my view of the monitor, while I am typing. I feel confident that the relationship has a better than 40/60 chance of success. There are plenty of other areas in which accommodations will be required. One accommodation that will not be part of any negotiations: tearing at floor rugs or seating places (like chairs and couches, especially if covered in expensive fabric or hide). Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this new experience is saying to one another: “We have a cat!”

+++

One bit of news this morning struck me. According to report by the Associated Press:

The International Criminal Court said Friday that it has issued an arrest warrant for Russian President Vladimir Putin for war crimes, accusing him of personal responsibility for the abductions of children from Ukraine.

The article goes on to say the warrant against Putin “was the first time the global court has issued a warrant against a leader of one of the five permanent members of the U.N. Security Council.”

I wonder whether, if Putin showed up at a U.N. Security Council Meeting, he would be detained, arrested, and jailed? I wonder, too, whether and how diplomatic immunity applies at the hyper-global level?

+++

For the first time in far too long, I wore one of my fedora-style hats when we went out on errands, etc. yesterday. Though I rarely wear them for the purpose of keeping my head tolerably warm, that was precisely the reason yesterday. And it worked beautifully. While the rest of my body shivered in the brisk, very cool, wind, my head too it in stride. I like wearing hats, but I have an irrational concern that I look goofy when wearing hats. Other men can look quite stylish in a fedora; I look like a hillbilly making a pointless effort to appear to be a member of a rich European royal family. Of course, it may not be irrational. There usually is a seed of truth in even the most outlandish stories. Regardless, I may start wearing my fedoras out. I think I wrote about my annoyance of being unable to find reliable advice about when (and when not to) wear hats and what to do with them when entering a place where it’s not appropriate to wear them. If I didn’t write about that, I am sure I intended to. But while I’m writing about it, the idea that there is some intrinsic
propriety in hat-wearing is absolutely preposterous. It is simply a weird social custom that varies by which social behavior influencer is current in vogue. I have the freedom to wear my hats (and to take them off or leave them on) any way I want and anywhere I want. (More or less.) But I choose not to exercise that freedom, for two reasons. Vanity. Fear. I will explain neither. I  hope the words clearly convey the concepts. Maybe one day I will be sufficiently “brave” to wear my  hat without caring whether others like it or not.

+++

Yesterday afternoon was extremely enjoyable, spent in conversation and laughter with a close friend. A day earlier, another couple of good friends were here for a mixture of volunteer “work” and a brief bit of “catch up.” I wish those casual get-togethers were far more frequent. While casual, but more formal, affairs are nice, the more impromptu, unplanned, and unstructured gatherings are far more my style and my preference. In reality, impromptu gatherings are rare because virtually all of the people in our sphere are retired, but deeply involved. They have all manner of volunteer and familial obligations and many are involved in at least a tangential way with several organizations. I wrote, day before yesterday, about finding one’s tribe. In my imagination, my tribe would be close by almost all the time.  We would collectively agree on a place to create a compound, in which we all would live in our private, closely-spaced homes. That compound would have common facilities, as well, like big barns, big gazebos, swimming pools, big indoor crowd-gathering spots, large and well-appointed commercial kitchens, etc.

Our conversations yesterday afternoon included discussions of “park model” mobile homes on plots of land developed exclusively as “park model parks.” It would require dramatic downsizing, but I truly believe that would present no problems for me. I can live with far less than I own now. And simplifying my surroundings might well boost my measure of tranquility. The conversation about distant places that look and feel very different from where I am now reignited my wanderlust or whatever it is that makes me feel restless and ready to move. Now approaching my real “sunset years,” I finally am coming to grips with the reality that buying a house ties one down. I think, given the opportunity again, I would have sold my house and rented something else for a term. When the lease expired, I would decide whether to renew or to move on to the next adventure. That’s the way I feel now. I may have a different point of view tomorrow. That’s the reason making big, permanent decisions should require lengthy periods of consideration. In my case, I would go back and forth between ownership and rental before, I think, finally deciding on rental. I wonder if there’s something to an adaptive interpretation of the concept of the “seven-year-itch.” Perhaps, instead of ending monogamous relations after seven years, the “seven-year-itch” were to refer to ending commitments to a place or a field of employment or some other attachment.

I probably could make a case for various iterations of the “seven-year-itch.” I moved here in 2014. I think it was around the end of 2020 or the beginning of 2021, around seven years “in” more or less, that I became almost frantic to want to hit the road; to get the hell out.  Though not a multiple of seven, my twelve years away from my old business and old career might be triggering a celebration of freedom from the handcuffs of the business world. I could go on. But my “evidence” would grow increasingly thin. It’s not time that dictates our thoughts or behaviors; it’s our recognition of the potential damage time can do to our lives that prompts us to examine our options.

+++

Tonight, we’re joining a couple of other friends from church for dinner at their house. We were the high bidders at the church auction when the dinner was auctioned off. It has been months since we won the bid; finding time that works for all four of us was a challenge. I am sure it will prove to have been worth it. We’re looking forward to getting to know them better. I think it would be invigorating to participate in a dinner with other church members once a month. Not necessarily as a big group, but as a small gathering. Whether host or guest, I think I’d find that interesting.

+++

At any moment, I could get in my car and drive for days. Into Kansas or Iowa. Pricing rental rates for small houses in semi-rural communities. Or New Mexico. Or Arizona. Someplace that might be friendly for a month or two. But I probably won’t. I will wait patiently until my calendar obligations and the seasons join hands in holy availability. Then we will drive north and east to Ohio to visit my brother and his son and daughter-in-law. But on the way back I might swerve sharply west or east, drifting northward or southward as I go. I have a months-long desire to see places I’ve either not seen or seen only from the fast-moving-visit related to an association’s in-and-out meeting. Months-long-desire probably is not the right term. I admit to language mistakes. I make them far more frequently than I should. If there were a financial penalty for language abuse, I might be standing at an intersection, asking passers-by for spare change. If the penalty involved physical beatings with a leather whip, I would be scarred and bleeding and begging for the pain to end,.

+++

I had a strange thought, as I am wont to do. Imagine that both houses of the U.S. Congress have passed a bill making it legal to assassinate the President of the United States. The bill has survived a presidential veto, with a near-unanimous vote  in the House and Senate. The bill is now law. The President calls troops to the White House to provide round-the-clock protection.

On that note, I will end this rambling, almost incoherent, drivel. I may break my fingers just so I can force myself to stop letting my sanity slip from my brain with every touch of my fingers on the keyboard.

Millions of Americans defend their decisions to minimize their tax obligations, saying they are simply taking advantage of existing, unfair loopholes in tax laws. “I may disagree with the law, but as long as it lets me legally reduce my tax burden, I’m going to take it.” I am among those Americans who continue to use that justification for securing our affluence. This morning, I read a book review that caused me to begin thinking much more deeply about the morality of “living by the letter of the law.” The book, entitled Poverty, by America, was written by Matthew Desmond, a Princeton sociologist and author of several other books (Evicted: Poverty and Profit in the American City; Race in America; The Racial Order; and others). According to the book review, Desmond argues persuasively that the U.S. has more poverty than any other advanced democracy because the rest of us benefit from that embarrassing fact. He advances the argument that expenditures on our social programs direct most of their benefits to those who need them least. He argues that understanding the roots of intractable poverty requires us to examine not only the uber-rich who benefit from obscenely favorable opportunities to take advantage of public policy loopholes. Instead, we must look at “ourselves… we the secure, the insured, the housed, the college educated, the protected, the lucky.” Desmond does not suggest the average American beneficiary knowingly and willfully takes advantage of and perpetuates policies that keep people in poverty (though I think some of the recipients of the greatest financial benefits are, indeed, aware of what they are doing). One solution—perhaps the only one that might truly solve the dilemma—is for Americans to join together to become poverty abolitionists.  For that to happen, hearts and minds must change. People like me must not only willingly give up tax benefits and governmental subsidies, we must aggressively demand massive changes in policies so that will erode entrenched poverty. Until we take actions to do that, we will be complicit in the perpetuation of poverty. The book review caused me to look at my own complicity in the problem. I plan to read the book. That might be even more sobering.

+++

French President Emmanuel Macron’s decision to push through legislation to increase the retirement age in France from 62 to 64 has set off a firestorm of sometimes violent and destructive protests. The news I have read so far has not answered some important questions about the legislation, such as 1) at what point would the change take effect?; 2) would people close to the lower retirement age be subject to the change?; and 3) what are Macron’s arguments in support of making the change at any specific time, rather than waiting until some point in the future? I have plenty more questions that short snippets of “news” do not even begin to answer. In fact, the “news” I have read so far is abysmally uninformative; it is as if the writers/editors had places to go when given the assignment to deal with the story and, therefore, whizzed through it as quickly as possible so they would not be late for their dates. But I have to take responsibility for my ignorance; I cannot lay all the blame on journalists. It is up to me to do my own investigation into the matter if it is sufficiently important/interesting to me. Yet I have gotten used to being spoon-fed the “news” and, therefore, have almost forgotten that I have a responsibility to think for myself and explore issues for myself. More sobering stuff. Nikki Haley, recently announced candidate for the Republican nomination for president in the 2024 election, has suggested changing the retirement age for people who are now in their twenties. As much as I find most of Haley’s positions offensive, I think she is showing some bravery in suggesting changes to a system so deeply entrenched in the American psyche. Yet most of the people who share my political perspectives will almost certainly attack Haley for even considering the possibility of making any changes; back to Matthew Desmond’s arguments, we bristle at anything that could impact the more affluent among us. I will be the first to admit that a deep, deep, deep analysis of Social Security, Medicare, and the taxes that fund them must be conducted before any changes are made. We need to find the truth about how and whether taxes collected for those programs have been/are being siphoned off to fund other governmental activities and programs. But the idea that ANY governmental program is absolutely untouchable is, in my view, absurd. Life is all about change; some positive and valuable, some negative and harmful. We need to truly understand the effect of change and alternatives available to us…and their positive effects and their potentially harmful impacts. Ach! I’ve gone off course again.

+++

I feel hypocritical for writing what I’ve written so far this morning, because I would fight tooth and nail to prevent changes to either Medicare or Social Security if those changes would reduce my benefits. But if I force myself to think logically—remove emotion from the consideration, entirely—I think I might have a different, and more defensible, position. I belong to a church that espouses an almost rabid respect for open-mindedness, but I would be willing to bet that the majority of people who participate in it would react to proposals to “mess with” Medicare or Social Security in the same way I would. Self-protection is natural, but it can be a grim reminder that one’s philosophies are put to the test in the real world.

+++

If today unfolds as planned and as I hope it will, a friend will come over later on. We will relax and chat and luxuriate in one another’s company. Before that, though, I may explore the possibility of arranging to get a massage. My shoulders and upper back are incredibly tight and tense and more than a little painful. Massage might alleviate those unpleasant symptoms of…whatever it is that causes those unpleasant symptoms.  I have scheduled a haircut for early Monday morning; perhaps I can follow-up on that with a massage. I can afford to pay someone to give me a massage; many people cannot. Perhaps I should, instead, contribute the money I would spend on a massage to some worthy cause. Thinking about Desmond’s writing gives me pause. Ach! I do with the world were more equitable. I wish all of us who are financially secure were willing to be satisfied with less so that everyone might be on more of an even keel. Pure fantasy. A wish and a dream.

+++

Winter continues. Nighttime lows in the upper twenties and lower thirties are expected for the next four nights. I shiver to think about it. But that’s what blankets and warm clothes are for. And for the fortunate among us, reliable heating systems and warming fireplaces.

When I awoke this morning, a question—What is peace?—was on my mind. Perhaps the question arose from a dream, though I do not recall the context of a dream in which that might have been a burning question. Regardless, as I woke, my mind struggled to arrive at an answer to my question that did not rely on a negative, e.g., Peace is the absence of conflict. I wanted a positive answer, one that focused on an affirmative quality. A quick look at a dictionary offered only a few possibilities; most definitions suggested some variation of freedom from commotion, strife, or violence. A couple of definitions, though, offered more positive explanations of the word: tranquility, serenity, stillness.

While I mused about what constitutes peace, I sifted through my email. Coincidentally, I found a message that posed a similarly “spiritual” question. I have subscribed to Progressing Spirit for several years, a newsletter that portrays itself as a resource for explorations in theology, spirituality, and current events. Today’s edition expressed a question from a reader (John, another coincidence), who asked What is the difference between religion and spirituality? Included in the response, written by Rev. Dr. Matthew Fox, was the following thought-provoking comment (though not entirely satisfactory in some aspects, it provided fodder for thought):

The word “religion” today conjures up dogmas, doctrines, institutions, hierarchy, buildings, organized worship, rules, positions on topics of the day ranging from extreme right (“Christian nationalists” or “Opus Dei”) to a more thoughtful effort to discern how to apply values to complex moral issues.

I think many people find these sociological and complex versions of religion to be a heavy weight to carry at this time in history when so much is shifting beneath our feet. We are moving from the age of Pisces (symbolizing dualism by two fish swimming in the opposite directions) to the age of Aquarius, which is much more mystically based, water being a sign of depth and panentheism (fish in the water and water in the fish, God in the water and the water in God) and therefore spirituality. Think of John of the Cross: “Launch out into the deep.”
In a nutshell, spirituality is our experience of the Divine.

Fox’s statement, suggesting the definition of religion (as well as spirituality) can be influenced by the “times” in which it is considered, rings true for the definition of peace, as well. Yet another argument that context is key to understanding anything…everything. In the case of religion and spirituality, taking into account the temporal context (and everything taking place in that context) is necessary to understand the two concepts. Though Fox drifts into what I consider the metaphysical (and, therefore, subject to my powerful skepticism), he nailed the sources of distaste for religion (dogmas, doctrines, institutions, hierarchy, buildings, organized worship, rules, positions on topics of the day, etc.).

My detour into religion versus spirituality, though brief, brought me a little closer to the answer to What is Peace? I am not there…yet…but I am making progress. Peace may be the experience of (or state of) tranquility, serenity, and emotional stillness. Unfortunately, the present state of the evolution of humankind makes peace elusive; a little like the ivory-billed woodpecker, it is said to be either extinct or so rare as to be visible only to the incredibly fortunate few—who happen to be in the right (deeply secluded, deeply isolated) place at the right time.

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Find your tribe. That is genuine advice to people who have essentially given up. Given up on finding that elusive state of mind: happiness. Given up on being able to immerse themselves in casual, almost familial, and exceptionally comfortable relationships. Given up on making an impact on the world.

Find your tribe. It’s a simple admonition, but one incredibly difficult to act on. Because of human uniqueness. We’re all very different. We might share political perspectives, but adhere to radically different and possibly competing religious philosophies. Or we might enjoy the same food and drink, but find physical comfort in settings that are almost diametrically opposed: soft and casual, well-worn furnishings versus extremely ornate and rigidly formal. Or we might like the same kinds of music, but enjoy listening to it in different settings: boisterous, crowded, loud concert venue for one but intimate, quiet home setting for another.

Ultimately, one finds and becomes a part of a “tribe” only after sorting through the commonalities and differences and establishing priorities between them. When enough of one’s highest priorities are in alignment with others’ and those not in alignment are at least tolerable, a person can call the people “who fit the description” members of one’s tribe.

Yes, but…there’s always a but. It is not only one’s own sense of connection that matters. The others, the ones a person determines are his tribe, matter, too. They must feel a similar bond. And they must feel connected to every other prospective member of the tribe. Only when all potential participants have reached the same conclusion does a “tribe” become more than a fantasy. That universal agreement, which takes place almost unconsciously and without specific intent, is a rarity. But it does happen. Usually, due to the complexity of “tribal” relationships, the number of members of a tribe is small; two or three or four…maybe six or eight. Rarely any more. Smaller is more common. And the smaller the number, the less likely the members are to consider themselves members of a “tribe.” Instead, they just call themselves close friends. But that is what defines a tribe; close friendships.

Viewed from that perspective, membership in political organizations or churches or avocational groups does not constitute belonging to a tribe. The relationship may be “tribe-esque,” but tribes share more than a few similar likes and dislikes and attributes. Tribes are, by nature, small. And people change. So members of a tribe may grow apart. As members leave, new ones may join. And the departing member of a tribe may be rudderless and unaffiliated for a while. Or forever. Unlike families, tribes can dissolve. But, wait. Families can dissolve, too. So what differentiates families from tribes? DNA, mostly. And the dissolution of tribes, as painful as it may be, probably is not as heart-wrenching as the dissolution of families. But, if membership in tribes represents happiness, what occurs when a tribe dissolves…or when a tribe never materializes…or when a person never finds his or her tribe? I suspect depression is the outgrowth of such circumstances. Or even more acute psychological trauma. I am sure I must have read about such stuff while I was in college; and more, thereafter. But it bears research and reading again. To confirm what I think. Or to correct my understanding. The world changes around us. And we change, modifying the world in the process.

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This morning, I join men of the church for breakfast again. And this afternoon I participate in a Zoom discussion to learn about some church management software. I am not in the mood for either. But I am not in the mood to do much of anything. I’d like to go back to sleep for the next several hours, instead, followed by a nap. Sleeping can empty one’s mind of depressing thoughts. Or it can infect one’s brain with bizarre dreams in which one’s movements are somehow restricted so that walking two blocks is an excruciatingly slow process. And the brain can wrestle with the absence of prescription medications and a broken icemaker in an unfamiliar house that one seems to believe is “home.” I would rather chew and swallow light bulbs. That might make the dream disappear into the darkness.

Today is the 74th day in the Roman calendar, notable as the Roman deadline for settling debts and the date of the assassination of Julius Caesar. The Ides, in the Roman calendar, was one of three fixed points (the other two being the Nones and the Kalends) of a month, from which the days of the month were counted backwards. I do not quite understand the scheme; but I have no reason to believe the internet would lie to me about something so obviously momentous. If William Shakespeare found the Ides of March an important date, who am I to dismiss the gravity of the moment? And, falling one day after what we have come to call Pi Day of late, there must be some depth to the meaning associated with the 15th day of the month of March.  Superstitions arise from some truly odd ideas. Come to think of it, superstitions, themselves, are manifestations of truly odd ideas. Yet we continue to put stock in some of them, in spite of our protestations that “it’s all in fun…we don’t really believe in that superstitious mumbo-jumbo.” Right. Just don’t do laundry on New Year’s Day…because if you do, you’ll be washing for a corpse. And don’t forget to eat your black-eyed peas before that day disappears into the second day of the year…or suffer the potentially impoverished consequences.

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I make light of the silliness surrounding me, but silliness is insufficient to conceal the tragedies of living and dying. Life and its antithesis are brutal experiences, punctuated by fantasy. Only by permitting fantasies to interrupt reality are we able to get through the painful struggles of experience. Reflecting on and anticipating actual experiences are harsh reminders that we humans are programmed for pain and regret. Fantasies, if allowed to take hold deeply enough, can temporarily extinguish the flames of anguish. But the embers remain. And they will ignite again whenever the slightest breeze fans them. We can fool ourselves into believing “everything will be all right,” but we know the reprieves will only last a short while before being inundated by another excruciating acid bath.

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Be of better cheer. Ignore reality. Swallow happy pills. Do whatever is necessary to overcome the drabness that accompanies the recognition that hope, on the road far ahead, is faster than one’s pursuit of it. Sing. Pay no heed to the screeches pouring forth from the lips; assume the noise is just a brief interruption of that usually beautiful voice.

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Time is passing by; the clock claims it is after 7. I believe it. The sea can be beautiful, but it can twist itself into inescapable currents. Do not drown. Take only a brief dip.

For 20 of the last 36 years, Iceland has had a woman serving as either president or prime minister. After the September 2021 Icelandic election, 30 of the 63 members of parliament (48 percent) were female.  Not only do women comprise almost half of Iceland’s parliament, the country’s leadership is quite young, compared to the United States. The current Prime Minister, Katrín Jakobsdóttir, is 47 years old. The Minister of Foreign Affairs, Þórdís Kolbrún Reykfjörð Gylfadóttir, is 35 years old. The two women, by the way, left yesterday on a trip to visit Ukraine. If their plans came together as reported by the Iceland Monitor, they flew to Poland, from which they continued their journey by overnight train. I imagine they are in Ukraine now. I would find it fascinating to listen to the conversations that take place between them and their Ukrainian hosts.

Iceland is the only NATO member that has no standing military force. According to the CIA Factbook, 99 percent of the residents of the country are internet users. The same source says, “…it aims to provide a fixed broadband service of at least 100Mb/s to 99.9% of the population by the end of 2021…” Obviously, that aspect of Icelandic data in the CIA Factbook has not been updated recently. If the CIA is listening as intently as we sometimes are led to believe, someone with the Agency will take note of my comment and will take steps to update that outdated information.

I may be too old to be able to easily adapt to life in Iceland, but I am not too old to admire the country’s political and lifestyle leadership. Iceland is, in many respects, extraordinarily progressive. Yet, as I have written before, certain of its customs seem (to me) to be deeply entrenched in an archaic past that lives on in the present.

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Most of the news media I scanned this morning seemed to have been written and/or edited (or produced) by the same team. Same stories, same slants on information, same obvious biases. Even BBC.com, which sometimes veers off the traditional news path, seemed this morning to mirror CNN and NPR and the Associated Press. Aljazeera is not quite as American-centric, but the English language version of the service’s internet presence obviously is geared toward English speakers. I wish I could read and understand Arabic and German and Russian and Spanish and various Chinese languages and dialects; I might then feel I had access to legitimate news; news that had not been whitewashed or otherwise cleansed of ideas and perspectives to which my government/societal “minders” would rather I not be exposed. I would love to feel sufficiently knowledgeable to be truly capable of making my own decisions about world events; rather than feeling very much like I am being led to believe what Information Central wants me to believe. I realize, of course, my sense of being subject to some form of mysterious “state” mind control must appear paranoid. And it may be. But I believe many, if not most, governments—from national to regional and even to the local level—practice information manipulation to the extent possible within their realms of influence. Too much curiosity on the part of citizenry can no doubt make governance more complex and far more difficult; much easier to derail that curiosity by manipulating and limiting access to “news” that serves governments’ purposes. I am not an anarchist. But as I age and grow impatient—as I watch my fellow citizens readily lap up bullshit from Fox News and CNN and MSNBC and a plethora of radio and television talk shows that probably are funded by political parties and guided by political and slanted social perspectives—I can imagine making the transition from hopeful progressive to angry anarchist.

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Despite my festering anger, there’s an inexplicable gentleness growing alongside it. A sensitivity nourished by near-isolation in a forest. An emerging rebirth of my love for certain forms of poetry that acknowledge the beauty of both the natural environment and humanity…or, certain aspects of the latter. I find myself wanting to share that appreciation of what could be, what can be, if only we would collectively insist. If only we would gently but persistently demand that all of us lay down our weapons and behave as if we were, indeed, humans. Rather than demented beasts hungry to tear our adversaries to bits with our teeth and drink of their blood.

Last night and the night before I watched a couple of episodes of a documentary, narrated by Morgan Freedman, entitled Our Universe. The program’s videography and its special effects were stunning. The content of the narration was awe-inspiring. Thinking about Time and whether it has a beginning and an end…trying to wrap my mind around the concept of nothingness…considering the impossible complexity of Life and Matter and Energy and…Everything. It’s almost enough—but not quite—for me to understand the allure of religion; answers to unanswerable questions. Considering the spectacular nature of EVERYTHING! It’s enough to make me forget the pettiness of politics and religion and hatred. It’s enough to make me feel only love and appreciation…for a little while, at least. And then the feeling begins to fade and I long for a loving embrace; the universe wrapping itself around me in comfort and joy. Arousing in me a sense of pure amazement at even the simplest things. Pine needles. Ants. Helium balloons. Water. WATER! Volcanoes and gentle breezes. Pie. And pi. Today is Pi Day, you know. Mathematics is not a human invention; it is only a human interpretation of the natural world. Mathematics is an attempt to impose order and to understand the order that exists. Goats. I love watching baby goats play. Their behavior defines innocence. So does the behavior of puppies; and humans’ loving responses to them. But not all humans respond in that loving way. That realization begins to bend beauty into rage. So it’s time to let it go.

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Today is the final day of facilitating my Articulating Your UU Faith seminar. I am not in the mood, yet, to try to identify whatever “faith” I have in me this morning. And, after that, I will learn a bit more about Constant Contact. I would rather spend the afternoon with a friend and let the day flow around us in a happy embrace. I do have some control over my time, do I not?