Unexpectedly Stationary

Several hundred words spilled from my fingers this morning, but after reading them to myself and thinking how they might be received by anyone happening upon them, I deleted them. Sometimes, words are inadequate to express emotions too complex to fit into a page, much less a paragraph or a single word. “Love,” “hate,” “longing,” “desire,” “loathing,” and many more are utterly useless. They require multiple layers of adjectives, qualifiers that may apply with just hints or with blatant attributions of expressions that scream. I decided, after flooding my draft with hundreds of words, that my emotions would require hundreds more to truly express and for the reader to truly understand. Given that some readers may have enormous reserves of patience, but most probably do not, I decided that the opinions formed during the first few paragraphs would stick with the impatient, providing them with the wrong impression of my emotional state. Those impatient many probably would misunderstand; they might decide to judge me on the basis of a few words. I could tolerate that misjudgment from many people, but being misjudged by others would be painful; nearly intolerable. So the best route was to erase entire pages worth of words that flooded from my fingers. Sometimes, it is best not to try to explain one’s thoughts to the world, but to just a few people, people who have the patience to listen—not to read—for extended periods. People willing to listen and capable of understanding are few and far between.

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A few days ago, I wrote about my hope that Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin would prevail in that day’s elections. She did not. The election revealed a shift to the right in Finnish political circles, which was a disappointment to me. Having no legitimate interest in Finland’s politics, though, there’s not much I can do or say. The electorate made their choice. Now, I can only watch to see what sorts of collaborative arrangements will be made between the major parties in Finland and what effects those arrangements will have. Despite that disappointment, Finland is now a new member of NATO, so all is not lost. Hmm.

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My enthusiasm about our trip to Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art, notwithstanding, we stayed home. Not long after I posted yesterday’s blog, I felt compelled to recheck my already low blood pressure. It had dropped even more. Subsequent checks revealed a continued trend. Mi novia persuaded me to call my primary care doctor’s office about the situation. Thanks to someone else’s cancellation, I was slotted into a 9:00 a.m. appointment, where my low blood pressure was confirmed as “quite concerning.” I was hooked up to an IV and, after emptying the bag into my arm, sent home with instructions to rest…rest…rest. I was advised to immediately contact my cardiologist for an appointment, as well. Before I could call her office, they called me in response to my doctor’s APN calling them; one of my prescriptions was halved, with the proviso that I should not take it at all if either number of my BP measurements were below specified levels (both of which have been below those numbers for quite some time). And I am now scheduled to see her next week. I am nearly certain the issue is purely a factor of my weight loss reducing the need for BP medications. But I’ll let the doctors reach that conclusion on their own. In the meantime, I will curse my body for interrupting our plans to enjoy a trip to Bentonville with friends. I look forward to hearing about their experience when they return.

The consequences of our trip cancellation including cancelling our hotel reservations and our cat-boarding reservations. We already had put our mail on hold, so we will not need to check the mailbox until Monday. Even casual mini-vacation trips introduce complexities into one’s day-to-day life.

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Today is Thursday. I will pretend it is another day. I will behave accordingly.