Upright in My Chair

Exhaustion seemed to emerge from nowhere, after a day during which I felt moderately awake and alert. I went to bed very early last night, but awoke regularly; almost on the hour. Phaedra’s yowls woke me from a light sleep this morning around 5. I got up, fed her, and decided to take a shower, rather than wait for the 6 o’clock alarm (alerting me to the need to prepare for the trip to the hospital—finally—for my brain MRI). By the time I got in the shower, I felt absolutely spent. I had barely enough energy to stand in the shower. By the time I dried myself and got out, I had to lean on the wall to stay upright. But enough energy returned to enable me to get dressed and make my way into my study. I said good morning to mi novia, who was awake, as I passed from the bathroom into the bedroom; she said she would try to sleep another 30 minutes.

My medical schedule this week is not jammed, but full enough; brain MRI today, implantation of a medi-port in my chest (to simplify delivery of chemo drugs) very early (6:30) tomorrow morning, labs and various other oncological activities on Friday. Aside from medical obligations, we plan to go to a wine dinner on Thursday night, a church gathering on Friday evening, and a chili cook-off late Saturday afternoon (I committed to make a pot of chili). Considering the way I feel at the moment, I doubt I’ll make some of the social engagements; I do not feel bad, just overwhelmingly fatigued, as if every shred of energy has been stripped from my body. Maybe I will recover, though. Time will tell.


I received a very nice card in the mail yesterday, a supplement to my wonderful soubhiyé mug. Thanks, Debbie (and John); you are a treasure. People who take the time to write notes, send cards, and otherwise express support deserve—and receive—my high admiration. I, on the other hand, tend to be a slug. I think of sending cards, etc., but rarely take action. Some friends from church make a habit of letting friends know they are on their mind. That is such a positive, supportive, morale-boosting way of letting people know they matter. But I…I think about it but do nothing, for the most part. I deserve to be lashed with a leather quirt.


My energy refuses to let me continue to write. I want to, I wish I could, I should…but I am too damn tired. We’ll leave in half an hour for my MRI. I’ll probably sleep upright in my chair until then.

About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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