Thinking in My Sleep

I did not sleep well last night. The fact that my wife is in ICU kept invading my thoughts, interrupting my sleep. And, oddly enough, I was troubled all night, too, by the dilemma of how I will get her home when she is released. I need to have a sling under her, whether she is in a wheelchair or on a stretcher, so I can use the Hoyer lift to transfer her into bed. That may be a silly worry, but it was much on my mind last night and remains. This must be a common problem that hospital staff deals with all the time, right? Surely they will be able to tell me how to do that. It will not present a problem, right? Still, I worry.

And I worry even more about what the medical team learned overnight. I am relatively sure my wife must have been dehydrated; trying to get her to drink water has been a constant battle and I’m certain I did not do enough, especially given how quickly she went through fluids and so forth. And what caused her extremely low blood pressure? And what has caused her periodic hallucinations? A thousand questions and no definitive answers; not even educated guesses, at this point.

The appointment with my cardiologist, scheduled for tomorrow morning, will have to be postponed or cancelled. Tomorrow is the one day this month he will be in the Village, so I’ll have to reschedule for at least a month hence; that, or drive to Little Rock. I doubt I’ll want to do that; I do not want to spend a day away from my wife. It’s just an annual checkup, so nothing urgent. But it would have been nice to get it out of the way. And I have an appointment with my primary care doctor next week to have some skin growths burned off. I may delay that, too. I made the appointment under a set of assumptions about circumstances that are no longer valid.

These minor inconveniences should not even enter my mind, but they do. Perhaps I allow them to fill the empty spaces in my brain that otherwise would fill with much more unpleasant thoughts. I psychoanalyze myself with some regularity; I doubt my diagnoses are even remotely correct. Sometimes, I wish they were. Other times, I hope they aren’t.

Today begins the aftermath of an enormous flood of negativity and an ongoing tsunami of egotistical self-serving actions and lies. I will not let it worry me. Not today.

I hope my wife slept comfortably and soundly last night. I suspect, though, she was awakened regularly for routine medical matters. Perhaps she will be successfully treated for maladies that have caused her so much misery these last ten days. I fervently hope so.

About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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4 Responses to Thinking in My Sleep

  1. Hallelujah! It appears comments are once again showing on each post.

  2. Bev says:

    I’m sorry about this latest set-back. I hope your wife’s condition will be stabilized and maybe there will be some better handle on what’s going on. It does sound like a dehydration problem though. That can really tank a person’s blood pressure and can cause all kinds of problems such as delirium. When I have cared for my family members who didn’t feel like taking water, I gave them watermelon or other light foods that are mostly fluid. If your wife is on any kind of meds like Lasix (furosemide), it can be pretty tricky to avoid dehydration. Anyhow, well, as always, I’m thinking of you two. Take care. b

  3. lizardek says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that your wife is in the ICU. Dehydration is a monster. Hang in there.

  4. robin andrea says:

    Thinking of you and Janine. I hope the doctors figure out what’s going on with her low blood pressure and can remedy that. I wish for an easy time for both of you. Remember to take care of yourself too… you have to be healthy and strong to be a caregiver. Deep breaths and one step at a time. Please take care there, John.

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