Curiosity or Hallucination

I read a question on Quora, which asked whether octopuses might ever evolve into sapient creatures. An answer—suggested as the “best” one—said it would be impossible because of the short life-span and mating practices of the creature. The original question, I suspect, was prompted by the understanding that octopuses are extremely intelligent; that it, they can learn rather complex responses to solve problems in their environments. Whether the original question, the featured response, or any of the follow-up answers contain elements of truth, they teem with curiosity.

Curiosity is an interesting characteristic. Or is it a trait? The question intrigued me, so I explored it a bit. I found (on a subset site of the How Stuff Works website) the following explanations about different types of curiosity: 1) “The fleeting arousal of curiosity that would evoke curiosity as a reaction is known as state curiosity.” 2) “The concept that curiosity resides within is known as trait curiosity.” Elsewhere on the same site, I found another intriguing concept: that curiosity is the “urge to gain information we don’t really need.”

Basically, the descriptive theories suggest that state curiosity is triggered by events, whereas trait curiosity is an inherent interest in learning. As I ponder my own curiosity, I think both types are at work. And, I suspect, that’s true of most people. Other thoughts presented in the series of articles about curiosity imply that curiosity may be increased or decreased by the rewards or penalties attached to its display. In other words, positive feedback tends to cultivate curiosity, whereas negative feedback tends to stifle it.

A quote about curiosity I found online intrigues me: “Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.” The original “curiosity killed the cat” warns of the dangers of unnecessary exploration. The rejoinder (according to Wikipedia) suggests resurrection awaits those who take the risk of exploration.

I wonder about the rewards of exploring the possibilities of a cephalopod’s sapience. What are those rewards? Are they purely intellectual? Does curiosity stimulate the brain physically in some fashion? Or is curiosity purely a mental exercise? I miss rigorous exploration of such concepts, the kind of rigorous engagements one gets in college courses. But I don’t have the discipline or the intellectual stamina to get engaged. I want knowledge, but without the effort. I’d be satisfied with an injection in my arm, filling me with all the information I’ve ever wanted to know. I suppose that’s an invitation to hallucinogenic drugs. Probably not good for me, not at this age and stage. Yet hallucinations can, I’ve been told, lead to both intense knowledge and intense curiosity.

Hmmm. More to ponder.

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Four Very Short Narrative Poems

Perspectives on Judgment and Trust
Asking for someone’s help is either an overt
admission of weakness—a confirmation of one’s
inabilities, frailties, and flaws—
or a poignantly human expression of a
belief in love and a risky act of imperfect
contrition for one’s fundamental humanity.

Secular Worship
It took me more than half a lifetime to fully embrace the
validity of the concept of “love they neighbor as thyself”
and to realize its morality is the bedrock of humanity.
It took me just as long to understand that loving thyself
is harder than the rock upon which our humanity stands.
But the key is to stretch toward that unreachable goal
through secular worship—seeking truth in the labyrinth
of ideas that form the basis of morality as we define it.

The Arc of Justice
First, we have to acknowledge that justice is a fiction,
an attempt at reaching agreement on a concept based not
on fact but on perspective. Justice is our jaundiced view
of a “fair” world seen through the lens of greater or
lesser experience, privilege, and generosity.
Next, we have to find commonalities between our perspectives.
Finally, our mutually, but radically different, blurred fields
of vision must be excluded from our images of justice.
Only then can we see the possibility of an arc of justice.
And that arc of justice, though shortened by the exclusion of our
differences, still is almost impossibly long.

Innocence
Before they are taught how “cute” they are,
before they become actors who perform in return
for gushing appreciation and blind adoration,
they are heart-breaking in their purity.
In their explosive honesty and endless joy,
children show us we once had what we then
seek for the rest of our harrowing lives.
Adulthood is a curse, punishment for forgetting
the beauty of true honesty and unconditional acceptance.
We spend a lifetime unlearning lessons we knew from the start.
If only we’d just held on to that breathtaking innocence.

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Early Awakening

It’s a shade after 3:10 a.m. I’ve just now finished my shower and made my first cup of coffee. I thought, when I got out of bed, it was nearing 5:00 a.m. I was wrong. I jumped in the shower almost as soon as I awoke under the impression dawn would break in the near term. It was only after I become conscious of my surroundings that I realized I had jumped the gun. Crap!

The thing that really set the realization in motion was a glance at my pills. I keep my pills in a monstrous container that further containerizes my pills into day-part compartments. The first one is labeled “MORN,” followed by “NOON,” EVE”, and “BED.” Naturally, I can’t rely on those labels because they do not correspond to the timing of my pill consumption. Instead, I pretend the labels read “FIRST THING,” ‘MID-MORN,” “NOONISH,” “AFTERNOON,” and “BEDTIMISH.” I further refine the meaning of NOONISH to mean EARLY NOONISH and LATER NOONISH. I have to do that because my latest prescription calls for a five-time-per-day schedule. Crap.

And one of my prescriptions, it seems, has an impact on my sleep schedule. I can’t quite comprehend my early rising today. I thought I’d looked at the clock when I got up. But apparently the view was blurry. Based on how long I normally spend in the shower and other factors, I have to assume I stepped into the shower about 2:30 a.m.; I went to bed at a normal hour (more or less), so I must have popped awake at a completely unnatural time. For me.

I have yet to take my pills. The schedule today is pretty important, I think. I have to take the pills designed to knock down my Herpex Zoster, AKA, Shingles, soon. I must do that; no playing around. My left eye and the skin on my face surrounding it will, I hope, appreciate my insistence on sticking to the schedule. Assuming, of course, the medications work. I hope they do. The pain I feel, though not awful, is beginning to bother me. Shingles needs to be gone, and soon.

We went out last night (call it late afternoon) with some people from church. One couple picked us up at the house. Another couple and a woman whose husband was traveling to meet relatives he had not heretofore known, met on at our destination. We explored the “happy hour” marketed by 501 Prime, a high-end steakhouse and all around fancy restaurant in Hot Springs. My wife and I both ordered a starter of six fried oysters; they were good. I, then, ordered the special charcuterie board, for which I had to wait quite a while because we arrived around 5:00 p.m. and said “special” dish was not available until 6:00 p.m. In the meantime, I ordered a local beer that was acceptable but not special. When my food finally arrived (my wife’s chicken fried steak came earlier), I was surprised as the “charcuterie board.” It consisted of fried duck skin, a fried duck leg, two slices of fried green tomatoes, a few thin pieces of what obviously were “house made” crostini, and a few olives. None of the sausages I expected. The food on the board wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t particularly good. And the charcuterie board was accompanied by a tasting of five bourbons. The five glasses of bourbon had, obviously, been exposed to some whiskey; but the whiskey had all but evaporated by the time it got to me. That is only a slight exaggeration. There was enough of each whiskey to barely taste it. Afterward, I was invited to pick one of the whiskeys, which then would be used to make a cocktail of my choice. I chose a Jim Beam whiskey as my mixer and a 501 Prime Manhattan as the drink of choice. Later, I realized I would have much rather have had a shot of the Jim Beam all by itself. Though I was happy to have gone out with the group of five other adults, I wish the food and drink had been more appealing. And I wish we’d all be just a little “looser” than we were. At least I wish I had been. I would have like to have conversed a bit more with some of the other folks at the table, but my introversion kept that inclination in check. And if my introversion was in full throat, my wife’s was even more obvious. Another drink or two might have fixed that. Maybe.

When we got back to our house, I was tempted to invite our hosts in for a glass of wine, but I did not. I sensed my wife would not have appreciated it. I don’t know how I knew, but I did. I never mentioned it to her, but the fact that she decided to go to bed very early told me my inclination to just leave it was the right one. And then I woke up after a short night’s sleep. And here I am. I watched the debates (well, most of them) last night. I learned very little, other than the debaters seemed more interested in attacking their Democratic opponents than in arguing their positions. I’m still undecided about political positions; on the one hand, I think a moderate who would not be anathema to Republicans would have the best chance at overcoming the irrational 45 base, but on the other I feel pretty strongly that a radical departure from business as usual is what the country needs. I’m talking enormously bold changes from the status quo, like Medicare for All (or some variation thereof) and social engineering capable of changing the face of American society. I’m leaning toward the latter, I think.

The clock now tells me it’s only a few minutes shy of 4:00 a.m. I’m a bit slow in documenting my thoughts. But I shall stop for the moment anyway. My first cup of coffee has largely disappeared and my mental condition has solidified a tad. I’m no longer in immediate danger of swallowing a large number of pills in the hope that they might solve my dilemma of choosing life over death or vice versa. It’s not quite that hopeless. But neither is it something I can readily ignore. These thoughts do not belong in my head, regardless of the time of day. They are dangerous but appealing. The idea of no longer caring that Trump is alive and in charge of wrecking our democracy appeals to me. I’d like, though, to solve the problem before I take the final nap. Snap out of it! Christ! I still have pills to take to resolve my problem with shingles. There’s plenty of time for morose moods after shingles has been overwhelmed with medicines. And with that, I’m going to go in search of ingredients for an unusual breakfast.

 

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Not the Kind One Puts on the Roof

Day before yesterday, I mentioned in passing: “Night before last, I noticed some odd skin eruptions on the side of my face, just under and the side of my left eye. They have grown progressively larger in area since then. And one of them seems to have crept into the corner of my left eye, causing it to swell and itch. And my vision in that eye is noticeably fuzzy.”

Today, I went to the urgent care clinic outside the west gate of the Village because the rash wasn’t getting any better and because my eye was beginning to feel noticeably different. The diagnosis surprised me: shingles. I’ve been vaccinated against shingles. “That probably saved you from getting a worse case,” the guy who examined me said. He then prescribed two medications that I hope to pick up from the pharmacy this afternoon.

It’s more than modestly odd to be diagnosed with shingles not long before we’re going on an overseas trip with our neighbors. Just before they went on one of their long overseas trips a year or so ago, he was diagnosed with shingles. If I were superstitious or otherwise believed that the universe has a controlling mind of its own, I would be certain that there’s “meaning” in this pre-travel coincidence.

I wrote, in the same post I quoted above, “Bodily decay and dysfunction is unpleasant.” I am preaching to the choir. The medical specialists say I have shingles, but not the kind one puts on a roof. Dammit.

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The Wind in My Hair

Despite what I said yesterday while waiting for the Toyota dealership to reattach the front undercarrriage shield on the Camry, I may decide to get rid of the beast. The reason is this: according to the service advisor and the mechanic, several issues with the car could be dangerous if not addressed. The rack and pinion steering needs to be replaced. The CV axle is shot and needs to be replaced. The oil pan gasket needs to be replaced. And there’s more. The costs, were I to have the dealership do the repairs, would be roughly $2100. I’m sure I could have it done more economically, but the cost would be significant, nonetheless.

This news comes on the heels of what I was afraid was the failure of the air conditioner compressor. Fortunately, I watched a YouTube video that described how I could check to see whether, instead of the compressor, the problem could have been a faulty air conditioner relay.  I discovered that, indeed, the relay was bad. I spent $18 to buy a new relay and installed it myself; an easy and inexpensive fix. But I’m driving a seventeen-year-old car; the AC compressor could die at any moment. From what I’ve been able to find, it appears the cost to replace the AC compressor should be between $700 and $1000.

I noticed something else yesterday that has come to my attention before; cracks in the leather seats could break through the depth of the leather at any time. I remember checking into the cost of replacing the leather seats on my 1997 Avalon, many years ago; if memory serves, I believe the cost would have been upward of $3000. That was at least nine years ago.

So, I’m thinking about the potential costs of keeping the old Camry in working order.  Even though the costs would, in all likelihood, be less than the cost of buying a replacement vehicle, the prospective inconvenience of having to be without the car for unknown periods is arguing that it may be time to replace the vehicle.

According to Kelley Blue Book, the private seller value of my car should range between $2400 and $4000. Trade-in value would be far less; $1200 to $2000. The income from selling the Camry is, in other words, close to negligible.

What kind of car might I get to replace the Camry? It wouldn’t need to be one particularly well-suited for road trips because we can continue to rely on my wife’s car for such rare excursions. But I have grown to rely on the back-up camera in the Subaru; I’d like a replacement car to have that feature. And I’ve come to appreciate the GPS on the Subaru far more than I thought I would; it would be nice to have that feature in a replacement for the Camry.

While I haven’t even decided whether to replace the Camry, I have started looking at options. One such option might be a Kia Soul. I found a certified 2018 model on the outskirts of Memphis; a bright red car that meets all the criteria so far. I’ve never driven a Soul, though. The ride could be choppy and uncomfortable; that would be a deal killer.  Another vehicle that intrigues me is a 2016 Mazda MX-5 Miata Grand Touring. That car is in Dallas, but would be shipped free to Shreveport, which CarMax seems to think is the outlet closest to me. The idea of driving a little convertible appeals to me. I’m not sure my wife would appreciate the six-speed manual transmission, but I would. And the wind in my hair….

Obviously, I’ll have to narrow my interest in cars’ features before I go shopping for one in earnest. And I’ll have to answer my own questions about whether I want to invest a lot of money in a car, just to increase the likelihood that it will be more reliable than the Camry. And the Camry has been pretty damn reliable for the past 17 years. Selling it and getting a newer model would, I think, feel a little like replacing my wife with a younger woman. Or an older one with different features. (I did find an intriguing 1999 Porsche 911 Carrera that’s extremely appealing.)  But it’s okay to look. And maybe a test drive?

I posted my intent yesterday, on Facebook, to hold onto the Camry until it’s at least 18. But that was before I was told about its potentially dangerous ailments. Now, I’m wavering. I’ve done that before with the Camry. And I’ve begun to question whether it has been so reliable and carefree as I’ve made it out to be. After I got home yesterday, I went through the maintenance and repair folder my wife keeps for each car. During the past five years, I’ve spent well over $3500 (probably closer to $4000) on repair and maintenance on the Camry. Granted, I would have spent considerably more had I bought another car, whether a cash purchase or on monthly payments, during the period. But I’d have a car that would, most likely, have considerable life left in it. I can’t say that about the Camry.

Let’s say I spend $2000 on getting the Camry repaired and then the AC compressor goes out in a month. That would be another $1000 or so. And it’s getting to the point of needing new tires. I tend to spend quite a lot on good tires, so I would probably be looking at $700 or so for new rubber. I’m sure there’s another $300 or more in repair/maintenance just waiting by the wayside, too. So, that’s $4000 that could have gone toward a shiny, low-mileage jewel. And, if I could sell the Camry for, say, $3000, I’d be $7000 ahead (when considering that unspent $4000 repair and maintenance bill). That’s $7000 toward the cost of a car I buy for $23,000 or so. And that’s not even considering the outlandish costs associated with replacing/repairing the leather seats.

I don’t think I’m dealing with this thing rationally at the moment. I have to step back and consider the real world. Maybe I should take the Camry to another mechanic and tell him I want to get the car in great shape for a cross-country road trip and ask him what the car might need in preparation for that grand adventure.

I don’t know. I’m going to just chill for a while and consider my options. I do like the idea of wind in my hair, but I wonder if that’s just a symptom of late-onset middle-age crazies or early-onset something else.

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Inching into this New Day

Scattered scraps of translucent grey clouds blur the hills and valleys behind my house this morning. Bright pink and orange tufts of cumulus clouds—the only evidence of sunrise except for a brightening sky—tower far above me, barely visible above the grey layers closer to the ground. It’s hard to tell at this hour what the weather will be like today. It may be dreary, grey, hot, and humid or it may change to clear and breezy. Time, alone, will tell. My questions about what weather I can expect an hour or two from now won’t change the outcome. The weather will be what it will be. It’s always like that. I am as utterly unable to control to control the weather as I am unable to control my moods. Well, I may have slightly more control over the weather.

“Mood.” The word is in common use, but we mean such different things by it. It can mean emotional tone or quality or frame of mind. It also can mean sullenness or gloominess. On the contrary, it can mean cheery and bright. “He’s in a good mood.” “Her mood could bury an entire generation under its bitterness.” “The mood of the country shifted from fearful and dejected to one of pure, unbridled optimism.” I suppose all of the connotations suggest, at its core, emotional tone and frame of mind. So it’s not such a schizophrenic word, after all.

I can’t tell the mood of the day by looking out the window. There’s not even a hint of a breeze to give me a clue as to what the day has in store. Is it odd that I’m anthropomorphizing “the day?” As if “the day” shared with humans the emotional upheavals of daylight and dark, joy and grief? Odd or not, at this moment I think the day is undecided about the course it will take. The absolute stillness of the leaves in the trees outside my window could mean I’m looking not at living trees but, instead, at a painting of trees. There’s absolutely no motion outside. Every leaf on every tree is petrified in time, captured by an artist’s brush. And it just occurred to me that I haven’t seen the usual squirrels dashing about on the forest floor of late; I bet it’s been three or four days since I’ve seen them darting around, their movements frenetic in one moment and frozen the next.

I’m trying to decide whether I should plan to go to the nearest urgent care clinic today or, instead, attempt to get an appointment to see a dermatologist and/or an ophthalmologist. Night before last, I noticed some odd skin eruptions on the side of my face, just under and the side of my left eye. They have grown progressively larger in area since then. And one of them seems to have crept into the corner of my left eye, causing it to swell and itch. And my vision in that eye is noticeably fuzzy. Bodily decay and dysfunction is unpleasant. And it’s a reminder that, at some point, recovery begins to slow and even reverse itself. Skin lesions start to take longer to heal. Aches and arthritic pains don’t disappear with movement the way they once did.  As my favorite poet and songwriter, Leonard Cohen once wrote, in, “Well, my friends are gone and my hair is grey. I ache in the places where I used to play.”

Outside my window, the air remains dead still, as if the planet has taken in a deep breath and is holding it, holding it, holding it…in the hope that time will make breathing easier. Either that, or the wind has abandoned this part of the planet, seeking comfort elsewhere. But, wait! I see movement. Not of leaves, but of what I assume is fog. Wisps of vapor drift slowly behind statues of trees; vapor barely more dense than the empty air in which it slides. And now I see, for the first time in days, a squirrel. And leaves begin to move. The still life has morphed into a moving scene, though it is slow to change.

The sky remains uncommitted, though. There’s no indication that it has made a decision about what it will do for the remainder of the hours of daylight left in this day. I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see. Maybe, if the sky cooperates, I’ll be able to slap some more paint on the deck today. That may be unwise, though, given that a bit of rain would not be good for freshly-painted decking. That reasoning may give me sufficient reason to remain lazy, to walk slowly through this day. To “slog through the porridge,” as I once said (or periodically say) in fits of incoherence.

Except for my skin distemper and my itching eye, my sensations seem to be characterized by anesthetized inertia. I could use a long embrace. Or a longer nap. I rarely take naps. Or so I say. Lately, though, I’ve found myself sitting in my electric recliner, my feet up and my head back, eyes closed and imagination wandering. That’s not really a nap, I suppose. It’s more like a structured attempt to escape reality.

I’m hungry. I think I’ll go forage in the kitchen, looking for something appealing and easy and unlike a “typical” breakfast. I no longer enjoy “typical” breakfasts. I crave stuff that rattles the taste buds into a state of surprised attention. Pasta arrabiata, for example, would be good this morning. Too bad there’s none in the house and I’m unwilling to invest the time and energy in making any at this hour. Jalapeño potato salad would be good, too, but I’m afraid the time necessary to cook the potatoes, coupled with fact that we’re dangerously low on my jalapeño paste, would make that a near impossibility. So many things sound appealing but they are unavailable. I may have to resort to satisfying my hunger with something mind-numbingly dull. Living in the heart of a cosmopolitan city has extraordinary advantages. Were I in New York City this morning, I suspect I could easily find a Korean restaurant open for breakfast (but serving from a full menu). Even in Dallas, I could go to an Ethiopian restaurant in search of kitfo; I’d find the restaurant closed at this hour, but if I were patient, I could go in for lunch after 11 or 11:30. I can’t do that in Arkansas. The closest Ethiopian restaurant is in Memphis. There is at least one (and probably several) Korean restaurants in Little Rock, but none open at this hour. And I suspect no such restaurant would have as extensive a menu as I’d find in New York.

The fog seems to have lifted and the trees have returned to their comas. Time for me to explore what else awaits me on this odd morning.

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Ruminations and Conversations with a Madman

The next New Moon will occur on Wednesday this week, coinciding with the next  Black Moon at the same time, 10:11 p.m. Central time. A New Moon occurs when the Sun and Moon are aligned, with the Sun and Earth on opposite sides of the Moon. A Black Moon has more than one definition, but the one which applies to the July 31 occurrence is this: the second New Moon in the same month. The first New Moon in July 2019 was recorded on July 2 at 2:16 pm. These facts, as well as numerous others of equal interest, are available to me because I occasionally visit timeanddate.com. Until this morning, though, I did not know that timeanddate.com (and its companion sites timeanddate.de (German) and timeanddate.no (Norwegian) is a product of Time and Date AS (“Aksjeselskap”), a private, limited liability company owned by its creator Steffen Thorsen, nor that it is based in Stavanger, Norway.

Unlike some other popular sites on the internet, timeanddate.com appears to exist to provide accurate information and not (at least not exclusively) to provide its founder with riches beyond his wildest dreams. I do not know how the company makes its money. The site says it accepts banner advertising, but I haven’t seen any on the site. I just hope its revenues warrant the site’s continuation; it has been around for twenty-one years, more or less, so I suppose it has found its niche in the world of internettery.

I’ve used the site, off and on, for many of its twenty-one years. I recall one of the first (maybe the very first) time I used it was to determine times in other parts of the world when planning for conference calls. I wanted to be sure to schedule the calls to be convenient to the majority of participants. So, for example, I checked to see what times people in Sweden, Russia, and Afghanistan would correspond with normal working hours. Timeanddate.com make the task simple.

Aside from the practical aspects of life that timeanddate.com address. the site prompts me (not necessarily by intention) to ponder the concept of time. Time, it seems to me, is an abstract human invention. Is the passing of hours and days even remotely relevant to creatures that do not live by the clock? Obviously, deer in the forest experience the cyclical nature of daylight and darkness, but do they conceive of the changes in light as corresponding to the passage of time? I’ll never know, of course, nor will anyone else. None of us can experience life from the perspective of a creature whose thought processes we can never truly understand. Even with the marvels of modern science, the best we can do is to make educated guesses about how the brains of other creatures work and how those creatures experience…their experiences. So we can’t know with certainty whether our abstract notion of time matters to them.

It’s interesting to ruminate about the fact that our concept of time is largely based on the relationship between Earth and the physical movement of the Sun and the Moon. I’m sure I’ve thought about, and probably have written about, how the concept of time would look utterly different to us if Earth were twice as far from the Sun. Days would be longer and nights, too, would go on and on and on. Would we age differently? Or would we simply adjust our understanding of the concept so that, for example, the average lifespan would be 40 instead of 80?

In times gone by, I think humans were more reverent of the Sun and Moon than we are today. Our species better understood, viscerally, the importance of those celestial bodies to our lives. We worshiped them, not in the way people worship a deity but, instead, in the sense that we felt an adoring reverence for them. We revered them, rightly or wrongly, as the givers of life.

I wonder why it gives me such satisfaction to think about such things? Why does it please me to explore questions that have no definitive answers? I think pondering the imponderable is a game in which there are no winners and losers. I like that in a game; an exercise not meant to lead to conquest but, instead, to a broadening of one’s perspectives. On the other hand, I sometimes get frustrated with discussions that, by their very nature, cannot lead to any conclusions. What’s the point, I wonder, when the outcome of conversation can only result in heat but no light? There must be a difference between those two fruitless endeavors, one of which is engaging and uplifting and the other which is disheartening and depressing. That’s another concept to explore one day, but not now, not this day.

This day. This period of light between darkness and darkness. This is a conversation I can have only with myself. I don’t think others would find this abstract exploration of ideas beyond understanding even remotely interesting. So I write to myself. I talk silently to myself. I record my thoughts with my fingers and let my tongue rest and, between thoughts, enjoy an occasional sip of coffee. And what about my fingers? What about the times they are not busy pounding on the keyboard? What enjoyment do they seek? That’s another idea worth exploring when my mood is right. I’ll examine, intellectually at least, whether individual body parts like fingers and toes and elbows and knees can experience pleasure they can experience pain. And, if so, I’ll attempt to define what pleasure means to the back of my knees or the bottom of my feet.

If people were to read what I write, they would know I’m crazy. It’s best that the audience for my blog is small and select. The fewer the number of people who know me, the lower the chances I’ll be caught and institutionalized. 😉

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Depressed Hordes

I’m just too depressed to write anything other than depressing thoughts this morning. I don’t know the source of this bleakness, but I know writing will only make it worse. Writing tends to draw darkness out of me, though that outward flow doesn’t get filled with light; an endless flood of darkness creeps in to fill the void. I’ll stop writing and, in a couple of hours, will put on my happy face and go to church. There, I’ll pretend to enjoy the company of people who probably have done the same thing; they’ve put on a happy face in preparation for pretending to enjoy the company of people doing the same thing.

The sun is bright this morning, but the light looks muted. I hear birds singing, but they ar not in full throat. Even the leaves on the trees look sad and lonely, as if they are being ignored by all the other leaves around them. Hordes of depressed leaves and lonesome trees and light in the sky looking for a bright reflection but seeing only darkness drinking in the light.

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Into the Wind

We allow our histories to melt into nothing. We permit memories to dissolve and fade and disappear. I have evidence of such things. Let me explain.

The Sandpipers. Do you remember them? They constituted a trio that sang popular folk songs and ballads in the 1960s and 1970s. One of their popular tunes was Cast Your Fate to the Wind. The original instrumental was written by Vince Guaraldi and recorded by his trio, initially in 1962. Carel Werber (maiden name Rowe) later, in 1962 or 1963, wrote lyrics to accompany the music. Her then-husband, Frank Werber, was manager of the Kingston Trio. According to a radio interview by Carel Rowe, which I read about but haven’t heard, the lyrics were about Travis Edmonson. He was an American folksinger. The Sandpipers, among others, recorded the music, with Werber’s lyrics.

With that refresher on the music of the early 1960s, I’ll go on. We let facts get lost in the fog of time. Facts, for example, about the woman who wrote the lyrics to Cast Your Fate to the Wind. Despite the fact that I like Guaraldi’s instrumental version of the music quite a lot, I enjoy the lyrics, as written by Carel Werber:

A month of nights, a year of days
Octobers drifting into Mays
You set your sail when the tide comes in
And you cast your fate to the wind…

So, if the comments attributed to Carel Rowe in her radio interview are correct, we might fairly assume Ms. Rowe had a relationship of some sort with Travis Edmondson.  That’s all we know of Ms. Rowe/Mrs. Werber. A brief radio interview and not much else. I don’t know if she is alive or dead. I know essentially nothing about her. And, from what I can find on the internet, I know as much as anyone else. She wrote the lyrics for one tune, was married to Frank Werber for a time, and apparently had an earlier relationship with Travis Edmonson. And then, from all the evidence I could find, she just disappeared. Someone found her at some point later, as evidenced by her reported radio interview, but nothing else.

I wonder whether Ms. Rowe intentionally permitted her memories to dissolve and fade and disappear? And I wonder how to follow suit? Is it possible, in this era in which privacy is virtually impossible, to fade into a mist of anonymity? What would it take, for instance, for me to disappear? I would have to change my name, but I’d have to do it in a jurisdiction where no one would ever expect to find me; Aberdeen, South Dakota, perhaps. The name I select would be one I have never used—neither given name nor surname—in anything I’ve written. I could ask to take the name Scant McMurray. But now that I’ve used it here, it’s no longer available. I can’t share the name I’ll actually use. Once the name change has been made (but after I understand and have addressed the bureaucratic labyrinth associated with making changes to Social Security and Medicare), I’ll take up residence someplace unfamiliar to me; whether a small town or a large city or acreage far from any population center remains to be seen. So many complexities must be met and overcome when erasing one’s identity and taking on a new one.

It’s time, I suppose, to return to the real world. Another day of deck work, More sanding and scraping and painting. I bought a quart of paint yesterday to see how a dark grey rail would look against the light grey decking. The dark grey isn’t nearly as dark as the sample “chip” in the brochure, but it will do. Eventually, even the railing will be painted. I’ll be considerably older then, of course.

It’s obvious, then, we don’t ‘let’ our histories melt and our memories dissolve. In today’s world, we have to engage in Herculean efforts to make that happen. Even with effort, there is no assurance of success. Our identities are too tightly woven into the fabric of an invasive State. That is what we allow. We may as well accept having a tattoo of our national identification numbers placed on our foreheads. Erasure would involve disfigurement. But, then, isn’t that what the process is like today? We can’t just decide to be known by another name, can we? Try as we might, we cannot leave our histories behind like baggage at a railway station. Some well-meaning soul will come chasing after us, insisting that we mustn’t walk away from something so obviously important and valuable.

Why would we walk away? Might it be because we’re so utterly unhappy with what we have become? Could it be that the person behind the smiling mask doesn’t even know how to smile? So many questions. If I had answers, I might write about a person whose reasons for wanting to disappear and assume a new identity are sufficient to make the attempt worth the effort and the pain. I know how the story would end. In the end, after all the trouble of becoming someone new is history, this man will realize that his memories cannot be erased. He will come to understand that he can never become someone new because he knows who he was, and is.

I began quite some time ago to write a long short story (that I never finished) that required the main character to decide between an imminent death by disease and a new life that came at a high cost: if he elected the new life, all memory of him by all the people he had ever touched would be erased. Yet his memories would be intact. I couldn’t get beyond that point; he never made that decision. A number of other factors played into the matter: he was rich and would become poor, he was an accomplished lawyer and would become an administrative clerk, etc. But the issue of being completely forgotten was the central point. Yet that’s precisely what I’ve been writing about. Erasing one’s history by taking on a new identity. Not entirely parallel, but quite similar.

The process of disappearing would be far more inviting, I think, if the choice would involve others’ memories of oneself being erased. One’s disappearance would then inflict no pain. Except, possibly, on the disappeared. If only we could just disappear into the wind, without a trace of sorrow or regret. The story line of It’s a Wonderful Life notwithstanding, such an erasure might well leave the world a better place, if only microscopically so, given the impact a single life has on it.

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Muddling

My visit with my oncologist yesterday was not quite as cheery as I’d hoped, nor was it terrifying. She reviewed my latest CT scan with me, showing me on her notebook computer images that looked liked a tree’s roots or, perhaps, its sky-facing limbs. She pointed out that the area around the white “roots” was black; that’s what the lungs should look like in that image. The white “roots” I saw were fibrous expressions of my lung’s response to the radiation treatment I had received, she said. I think she called it “radiation fluff,” but I might have misunderstood. I couldn’t find that term when I looked it up last night. What I found, which I think describes what she described to me, was “RIF,” or radiation induced fibrosis. That condition, she suggested, might be responsible for my chronic cough.

She suggested that the condition might resolve itself over time, but she prescribed prednisone to accelerate the process; 4 pills daily for 5 days, 2 pills daily for 5 days, and 1 pill daily for 5 days.  I got the prescription filled and started taking the pills this morning.  After 15 days, I am to contact her if the cough has not resolved itself. If not, she may send me back to the radiologist. For what, I don’t know; I wasn’t thinking fast enough to ask her.

I wish the doctors would confer among themselves before they offer prospective solutions. I mentioned that I’d been given various and sundry pills by my primary care doctor and his nurse; neither “fixed” the problem. She listened but did not react. What the hell. Give it 15 days and we’ll see. I sure hope my cough can be resolved soon; it could well squash our planned vacation to the Adriatic in September, if not. My wife said she would be surprised if I were allowed on the plane if I were in the midst of one of my horrific coughing fits. And she’s probably right.

Yesterday’s Friends of the Coronado Center Library (FOCCL) presentations were okay. But it seems FOCCL did absolutely nothing to promote the event. Even the guy who was supposed to introduce us didn’t show. Authors whose past presentations our presenters made a point to attend did not show. Even one of our own readers did not all show. If not for my wife, my sister-in-law, and the people invited by my next door neighbors, we would have had essentially no audience. There was no marketing done with the Property Owners Association website/e-blast system, no article in the local newspaper…nothing. If we had not asked about the promised wine (which we told people to expect), I am sure it would not have come. And we’re supposed to have another group of our authors feature at the FOCCL August meeting. If it were up to me, I would instruct our folks to ignore it. I’m not planning to attend an event designed to support FOCCL if FOCCL itself won’t support it. Am I pissed? A little. That having been said, I appreciated the small audience that did show up. I have discovered, much to my surprise, that I like reading my writing in front of an audience. I’m just not sure an audience likes me to read my writing to them.

I chose to read one short story from the Writers’ Club anthology and one vignette I wrote more recently. Both were rather dark. That’s what I write; I tend to write the darkness of the human psyche. That’s probably why the audience isn’t especially fond of hearing me read. My more cheery stuff seems, to me, artificial. The flavor of synthetic joy spilling from my fingers is a little like chemically created strawberry soft drinks; sickeningly sweet and obviously unnatural.

After the FOCCL fiasco, my wife and her sister and I went out to an early dinner with our neighbors (the painter and the writer). We talked about going to La Dolce Vita, but when we got there, we discovered it was closed. So, we went outside the west gate to Village Hibachi, instead. Nice meal.

My efforts to think and feel positive at this moment are failing miserably. I’ll make progress for a moment or two, then go smashing down against the rocks, pushed by incomprehensibly powerful waves of melancholia. I may be overstating my doleful state, but maybe not. I don’t know whether I’m despondent or just dispirited. I suppose it, whatever it is, will pass. It always does, though I wonder whether the “up” cycle is any more attractive than the down. Neither draws me into a state of euphoria.

There are days, and this is shaping up at this early hour to be one of them, when I’d like to make my way to the nearest train station for an impromptu escape. The destination wouldn’t matter much; it’s the journey I’m after. A journey away from the thousand petty annoyances that I encounter every day. But, in reality, I know they would join me on the train, for they reside inside my head. Meditation, that’s the cure, instead of travel. Or medication. Mind-numbing medication that soften the hard edges of the thoughts and ideas that inhabit my brain.

I will muddle through the day. Perhaps, if I can get some work done on the deck, my mood will brighten. If I had a helper, the project would move along at a much faster pace. Alas, I don’t have a helper and I guess I won’t get one. So I’ll muddle through alone. Eventually, the project will be a distant, bitter memory, even without a helper.

 

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Busy

I’ve sanded and scraped and painted (with at least one coat of paint) roughly one half of the deck. Yesterday, I started late. I had forgotten I had arranged for a visit by the pest control guy. About the time I was ready to make breakfast, then head outside to work on the deck, my wife reminded me of it. She chides me for failing to look at the calendar first thing every morning. For good reason, I might add. More than once I’ve forgotten early dental appointments and such things; fortunately, she has rescued me with her snarls and expressions of annoyance at my failure to look at the calendar.  At any rate, I didn’t start working on the deck until after 10. I made breakfast before the pest control guy got here. Korean street toast, by the way, which I mentioned less than a week ago. I thought it was okay, but it needed a spice boost, so I flooded it with my jalapeño paste, which gave it the kick it needed.

ANYWAY, I ate, I watched the pest guy do his magic, and only then did I get out to begin working on the deck. Lots of sanding, a fair amount of scraping, and more than a little rest time in between. I finally began to paint sometime after lunch; maybe around 1:00 p.m.

I managed to get only one coat on the lower right-side deck (which I had scraped and sanded) by the time I cratered, around 3:15 p.m. I didn’t have the energy to lay on a second coat yesterday (and I doubt the first one would have been dry enough in time to allow it, anyway). Today I have commitments that will prevent me from painting:

  • A morning visit with my oncologist, who will review my latest CT scan and tell me, I hope, there is nothing new to report. I hope she will know that my cough continues unabated, but I doubt she pays any attention to my other medical records. I will tell her, anyway, I have an appointment to see an ENT specialist on August 12 in the hope he can figure out the reason for my cough and the cure.
  • Then, this afternoon I am scheduled to read some of my writing at an event organized by the Friends of the Coronado Center Library (FOCCL). Eight members of my writers’ club joined together to publish a short anthology of our work; we’ll hawk it to the tiny audience that comes to hear us and will read something and talk about writing. Not all of us; only 3-4 of us. And I won’t likely read out of the anthology; instead, I’ll read some vignettes from my blog. They are shorter.
  • But before all of this, I’ll go get a haircut. The barber opens at 7 and I plan to be there shortly after the doors open. I need a haircut. I needed a haircut a month ago. I need it more so now.

If the weather cooperates, I’ll awaken early Friday morning and will work on the deck again. The house cleaner comes at 11:00 a.m. tomorrow, but I suspect my deck work won’t matter to her, except when I need to come inside to breathe filtered air and get water to address my dehydration.  I hope the weather Friday morning will remain moderately comfortable for at least a while. I am no good with high heat and high humidity.

My hair will be more attractive, if all goes according to plan, by the time I read this afternoon.

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Twists and Turns

Yesterday, my wife and I went to Little Rock for lunch. We revised our intended destination, The Fold: Botanas & Bar, when we stopped for gas at a Kroger gas station. We both got out of the car and commented about how pleasant the air felt. Cool, but not too cool, and dry. That was a huge change from the recent wave of hot, humid days and nights. My wife suggested we revise our plans; instead of our originally planned lunch destination, she suggested we go to The Pantry. There, we could sit outside and enjoy a charcuterie board and a glass of wine. And that we did, except for the wine. I ordered a beer, instead. I regretted that decision, but only slightly. I think I would have enjoyed lunch more with a nice dry red wine, but it was just fine with a Founder’s All Day IPA.

We had errands to run while in Little Rock, such as buying groceries. And we made up a couple; we stopped at Mary’s greengrocer stand/shop to buy some fresh okra and we stopped at Colonial Liquor where my wife picked out a gin she had never tried and we selected a couple of bottles of wine.

All in all, the day was enjoyable. I commented to my wife as we sampled Hungarian sausage and smoked pork belly that the experience was considerably more enjoyable than scraping the deck and putting down a new coat of paint. But that chore, the deck rehabilitation, remains. And, so, today That, I will return to the reality of deck recovery.

I invited a friend from days gone by to come visit us recently and she accepted and offered up a couple of dates, but then our schedule went slightly awry with a remembrance service, including house guests who would attend. We’re back on track and I’ve suggested she come on down (she has a Winslow, AR address, but she lives out in the country, away from the few little towns in the area). We await her reply and plans. And our good friends in another part of the state will have returned home by now from a long (both in distance and in time) road trip, so we must try to see them when they recover from being away from home for two months or thereabouts. I look forward to seeing them. I’m almost giddy with excitement at the thought of spending time with her.

I didn’t realize how damn full our schedules are until I started looking at possible dates for getting togther. We have all manner of minor social and other obligations in the coming weeks, though skipping out on any or all of them would not spell the end of the world. But just seeing what we’ve committed to made me realize why I sometimes feel confined and rigidly circumscribed. I miss the freedom that comes with social isolation, I suppose.

That sense of imprisonment-by-calendar gets me cranky. Or that’s what I blame, at the moment, for my crankiness. Freedom from outside obligations is among the most joyous sensations. But I suppose the price of that freedom is the very social isolation that contributes to loneliness.

Loneliness. I wrote an essay about my loneliness a few days ago. I haven’t shared it and probably won’t. Despite my best efforts, I could not adequately describe how one can feel an intense sense of loneliness, even while engaged in a growing number of casual social relationships. It’s the casual nature of those relationships that allows loneliness to grow, I think. Superficial conversations that center on behaviors (what did you do yesterday?) rather than thoughts (how did that experience feel to you?) contribute to loneliness. That sentence seems superficial; lacking real substance. It’s not about how a person feels; it’s about how a person can share the way he thinks with someone who actually gives a shit about the way he thinks. Loneliness is much deeper than social isolation. Social engagement does not necessarily “cure” loneliness. Nor does social isolation bring it about. Loneliness arises, I think, from a lack of the sense that one’s existence is of significant consequence to someone else. Chatty conversations with a dozen people does not quell loneliness.

Holy crap, I really stumbled into a rabbit hole. Obviously, there’s a reason I probably won’t share that essay; its incoherence would be an embarrassment. That’s one of the risks of writing a lot and putting it out there for every passing stranger to see. Every fault, every wart, every blemish spills from the brain onto the keyboard and then to little screens all over the world. That spillage creates the misfortune to be seen without the protection of cosmetic stage makeup. Yet it is freeing, in a way, to expose one’s copious flaws and weaknesses before those defects are pointed out by someone else. It constitutes a public airing of one’s dirty laundry, I suppose. Although, as my decision not to post my essay about loneliness suggests, one’s fragility prevents airing the thread-bare clothing full of rips and tears.

I’m trying to incorporate yesterday’s admonition into my day today: Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better.  I’m not complaining. I’m just pointing out reality. And the reality, now, is that I need to prepare breakfast and, then, repair the deck.

 

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Making Life Better

Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any better.

That aphorism, easy to dismiss as a frivolous adage, is absolutely true. And it applies not only to complaining about yesterday but about tomorrow and about our expectations for the foreseeable future. Complaining is, in general, a waste of precious time we could use to enjoy and be grateful for the good things in our lives.

Granted, complaining about poor service may result in getting better service, but the manner in which a complaint is lodged matters enormously. If a “complaint” is presented in a context of of grateful appreciation, it becomes a learning experience and an opportunity for positivity.

I hadn’t intended to begin today with “the power of positive thinking,” but I learned a lesson yesterday afternoon on this very subject and I thought I’d share it. My lesson improved my life and brightened my day a bit. I hope sharing it will do the same for someone else.

 

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When Is It Wrong to Ask Questions and Express Opinions?

A dust-up occurred earlier this year among certain people of influence in the loosely-woven halls of power of a minor religious denomination that I choose not to name. The brouhaha erupted over publication of an essay that recounted a woman’s experience as she attempted to be supportive of her cisgender daughter’s close relationship with a person who was in the midst of transitioning from the male gender assigned at birth to the female gender. The writer apparently had always been a supportive ally of gays, bisexuals, transsexuals, etc., etc. The story is more complex, but I’ll try to simplify it by saying this: the writer expressed the difficulty she found in understanding and engaging in conversations about non-binary sexual identities. She was surprised to be told, when she asked questions to satisfy her curiosity about the journey between the gender a person had been assigned at birth to the gender with which the person identified, “You really can’t ask about that. The only thing you can ask is which pronoun someone prefers.”

The article raised the hackles of some influential people in the non-binary community within the denomination. The editor of the publication wrote, in an apology about the essay, that it became apparent after the fact that “Additionally, it was hurtful to put a straight, cisgender person’s experience in the foreground, especially as one of the first major articles in the magazine on this topic.”

I have read literally dozens of articles asserting it is absolutely wrong to expect Blacks to educate Whites about how to correct the legacy of slavery and racial prejudice (and I understand the legitimacy of that position).  I find it hard to comprehend why our position should be absolutely reversed for a different population (non-binary people). Why should we expect them to educate cisgender people about how to overcome the bigotry of sexual-identity superiority? While I concede that only non-binary people have the personal experience of facing that bigotry and, therefore, their personal experiences alone can lead to complete understanding, I believe the same is true for Blacks and Whites.  The perspective of the oppressors, who are trying to understand the facets of their behaviors that are offensive, can be just as educational, I think, to both parties. But perhaps my perspective as a cisgender male is invalid because…I am a cisgender male? Why, then, is my Whiteness not just as invalid when trying to change the racist behaviors of my fellow White males? Why, in that set of circumstances, must I take responsibility, but when it comes to my sexual orientation and identity, it is wrong for me to write an essay from my own personal perspective?

My confusion here is, I think, legitimate. Frankly, I cannot understand how an essay (an ESSAY, I say) written from the perspective of a cisgender woman who, from all outward  appearances appears to be an ally of non-binary people, can be viewed as hurtful. She wrote from her experience, from her perspective, and asked questions that I certainly understand her having. I would find an essay written by a transgender person about their perspectives in maneuvering a cisgender-biased world to be equally illuminating; and I would not find it hurtful to cisgender people. I would find it educational.

I read the original offending article and the responses by the editor, the church leader, the original essayist, and others (all of whom apologized). Even so, I could not understand why the original essay was considered hurtful. Instead, it seemed to me that the original essay upset some people whose upsets were simply accepted—not necessarily understood, but accepted—and treated as legitimate and deserving of apology. Though an apology is appropriate for an action that unintentional offended another person, I think a much more thorough explanation of the offense is required before simply saying “what we did was wrong.” Why was it wrong? Why is it wrong in this circumstance but not wrong in another circumstance that ultimately led to a civil war and hundreds of thousands of deaths? An automatic “mea culpa” is, in my view, just as damaging as an unintentional offense. An insufficiently explained apology tends to teach others that any offense by one person taken automatically leads to blame of another…even when no offense was intended and when the legitimacy of the offense is open for debate.

A reactive “we did wrong and therefore we apologize” is, in my view, an invitation to close discussion. Rather that acknowledging the very real questions and the legitimacy of dealing with an unfamiliar experience, it says “your perspective doesn’t matter—what matters is someone else’s perspective, so tread carefully…always vet your point of view to ensure that it is innocuous before sharing it.”

My reaction to the brouhaha would have been the same, I think, had the issue not been one of sexual identity but, instead, religious affiliation. I would argue that my questions about religious beliefs should be freely asked without concern that I might cause hurt to someone’s deeply-felt religious convictions. I realize religious convictions are choices, whereas sexual identity is not, of course. But matters about which one feels strongly tend to correspond to fragility. I should be conscious of the potential for fragility, but I should not bury my questions for fear I might crack something.

Finally, I do not advocate (nor do I accept for a moment) that questions on what can be delicate matters should be asked without regard for feelings. Sensitive issues should be approached with sensitivity and regard for the feelings of others. In the matter of the essay mentioned above, it seems to me those issues received ample consideration. Perhaps the honesty of the questions triggered the responses. One can be sensitive but at the end of the day some questions simply cannot be asked without being somewhat blunt. Bluntness should not be viewed as synonymous with insensitivity; it can and should be viewed as honesty on display.

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Certainty

Once a mind is made up, irrevocably, it becomes unbending and brittle. It becomes subject to irreversible rupture when irrefutable, contrary facts present themselves. When evidence—that an immutable decision was based on fallacy—is impossible to ignore, the mind shatters into  shards of sacrosanct debris, scraps of certainty strewn across the mindscape. The certainty that led to such an explosive eruption forever taints future decisions. Yet absolutes continue to grow in the rubble of that friable brain; evidence discordant with its unshakable confidence is ignored or mocked. Facts have no place in a mind crushed into a wet dust, laden with alternative truth. That muck soon becomes quicksand, sucking reality into bubbling pits that drown veracity in viscous pools of deceit and caustic myth.

Question everything. Believe nothing, least of all the stories you tell yourself. Your certainty scorches the thin layer of ice under your feet, that thin layer your only protection from the boiling cauldron of misjudgment beneath you.

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Incompatible with Life

Thinking deeply about matters thought cannot change constitutes either wasted energy or vital mental exercise or both. Yet even the assertion that thought cannot bring about change induces change. The contention that any thought is wasted spurs the mind to defend itself against allegations of inertia. That is not clear, is it? No, it is not. And that is precisely why thinking deeply is to be venerated. Not dismissed as an extravagant misuse of mental energy. Harboring ideas that conflict with one another strengthens one’s ability to understand the complexities of life. If not the ability to understand, at least the ability to tolerate. Tolerance is an ability. Like tightrope walking or sword swallowing or singing on key.

Lately, I’ve tried to reduce my distaste for ideas I find repugnant, just to learn whether those ideas can teach me something about the world or about myself that I otherwise would not know. Among those ideas is this: that decent human beings can find human slavery to be acceptable. Even the idea that I might be willing to explore that concept for a moment is abhorrent. It contradicts my beliefs about humanity in so fundamental a way that I question my own decency in being willing to consider it. Yet that is how we get through the odious task of identifying even the most monstrous among us as human. If we insist on seeing the world through the jaundiced eyes of others with whom we disagree at the most basic level, we have the chance of understanding how to change them.

Though I do not and will not accept that human slavery is ever acceptable, forcing myself to think about it did, indeed, lead me to a more complete understanding of the world in which I live. Or, at least, I think it did. My thoughts wandered through oceans of confusion and self-doubt, touching on things I doubt I would ever have considered had I not forced this loathsome task on myself. Somewhere along the line, my mind drifted from the humanity of owning and controlling another human being to owning and controlling another creature: a dog.

Working dogs—like the animals that help shepherds guide their flocks of sheep—are, as I understand it, treated well for several reasons. First among them, I think, is that the dogs provide a valuable service to the shepherds and, therefore, the shepherds want their dogs to be in top form so they can perform their duties as expected. The idea that these dogs are trained to be servants, against their will, probably never enters the shepherds’ minds. The idea that these dogs are not free to leave either doesn’t occur to the shepherds or, if it does occur to them, it doesn’t bother them because the dogs don’t know how much better their lives are than would be the case if they were “free” to forage for themselves. So, keeping the dogs in bondage is beneficial to the shepherd and to the dogs. The occasional dog that runs away is an aberration; its loss is an inconvenience, not a heart-rending experience.

A child who happens upon a sheep-dog during “off-duty” hours might develop an entirely different relationship with the animal. The no-nonsense working dog may become, to the child, a companion. Over a short period of time, the child and the dog can develop a close relationship that has no bearing on the dog’s working life. When the dog is required, on a cold and rainy day, to help corral sheep, the child feels sorry that the dog is suffering through the harshness of the frigid, wet experience. The child and the shepherd have entirely different perspectives about the sheep-dog. The shepherd views the dog as a working asset; the child see it as a friend. While the shepherd doesn’t see the dog as a friend, he treats the dog reasonably well so the dog can serve the shepherd. The child, though, considers it cruel to force the dog to work.

Now, back to slavery. I try to see the world through a slave-owner’s eyes. I can believe either that the slave-owner is fundamentally evil and is perfectly happy with that fact or that he adopts a mindset that protects him from seeing himself as a monster. In the latter case, he must convince himself that, by providing food and shelter to his slaves, he is providing for them in ways they could not provide for themselves. He must convince himself that the slaves are assets that must be cared for but also must be strictly controlled. He cannot permit himself to view slaves as humans like himself; instead, he must convince himself that they are, like sheepdogs, doing jobs they were bred to do.

Maybe the slave owner did not have to convince himself of anything. Perhaps he learned to see the world they way I described simply by growing up in an environment in which slave ownership was simply a natural way of life. I imagine that he learned, either by being taught or by watching what occurred around him, that slaves had to be corrected when they deviated from expectations because, otherwise, they would “lose their training” and become useless assets.

As I said, these thought processes did not change my mind about slavery, nor about the people who owned them. Well, maybe it did change my mind about the owners. The ones who became enlightened and came to understand the inhumanity of the practice of slavery may well have been decent people at their core. I think I may have come to understand some of the people who, even today, do not seem to be compassionate. They learned, somehow, that compassion is a trait reserved for the weak and, therefore, is not a characteristic to which one should aspire. They learned that people who are different from them are to be either hated or feared or ridiculed or otherwise categorized as threats. Perhaps they were taught that “those people,” whatever differences they exhibited, posed dangers to livelihoods and lifestyles. And, so it goes. People who are “different” may not be captured and used as slaves, but they are labeled and targeted for treatments that would be unacceptable is visited upon “my people.”

Now, the question is how to retrain people to be compassionate and to see other humans as simply other human? I haven’t the foggiest idea. My guess is that only time and death will rid us of inhumanity. And even time and death cannot overcome new generations taught to embrace the same old evils their forebears embraced. But maybe if we (the collective we, as in all of civil society) try to view bad behaviors as taught and not inbred, we might try to help others unlearn old ways and learn new ones. Maybe.

But my patience is waning. I’m growing increasingly unwilling to tolerate fear and skepticism and doubt, even though those very traits sometimes seem to guide my thoughts and emotions. Here I am trying to see the world through others’ eyes and, when I think I’ve done it, I have no patience with the brain that processes those other eyes’ visions.

Thinking deeply can result in drowning in conflicting ideas while being dashed against the rocks of an angry coastline. It is, sometimes, incompatible with life. Sometimes, we just have to feel and not think our way out of our anger.

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Another Birthday

If he were still alive, today would be my father’s 116th birthday. He reached only 81 of those 116 years before he died. “Only” 81 is an odd way of putting it. That’s more than a respectable age, though he should have achieved at least 90. His two-pack-a-day-habit of inhaling the smoke of unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes snatched at least nine years from him, I figure. In the same way my similar volume of inhaling fumes from burning Merit cigarettes required the removal of a piece of my right lung. Dad wasn’t so lucky. His lung cancer was too advanced and too deadly when they diagnosed it. He lived with the knowledge that he had lung cancer for a rather short amount of time, as I recall. I don’t recall the actual length of his illness, but I recall its end. It was an awful, painful experience for him. And it was awful for those of us who watched him live through it in those final days.

I am sixteen years shy of his age when he died. Sixteen years is not a long time. Though, when my father died, sixteen years was half my life. Half a lifetime is a long time. But not so long, really.

I wonder what my father would think of today’s world if he were alive to see it. He would not be impressed, I suspect.

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A Virtuous Exploration

I went to bed very early last night, around 9:00 p.m. I fell asleep almost immediately and slept soundly until around 1:00 a.m. Sleep came in fits and starts for the rest of the night; fifteen minutes here, ten minutes there, half an hour as the night wore on. I finally got up around 5:00 a.m. If I’d slept the entire night, it would have amounted to eight hours sleep. I never get eight hours sleep; apparently I don’t need that much. But I got less than I needed last night. I feel like I’m moving through thick molasses this morning. I’m slow and every move I make requires more energy than it should. If I felt more energetic, I would have gone to the gym. I would have been there when the doors opened at 6:00. But I didn’t feel energetic. And, so, I waded through the internet, my fingers struggling to direct the mouse across the screen. And here I am.

Three-quarters of my first cup of coffee are gone. The remaining quarter is cold and unappealing. As I look at the clutter on my desk, it occurs to me that this is the desk of a lazy, impossibly disorganized man. The only things missing that would complete the portrait of the desk of an idiot are ashtrays filled with cigarette butts and crumpled packs of cigarettes. Cigarettes. I find it hard to believe that, for a very long time, I smoked them. And I enjoyed them. Now, I find their odor rank and offensive. And though I try not to, I look at people who smoke as somehow lesser beings. That’s how people viewed me, I’m sure. Not sufficiently smart to realize what I was doing not only to myself, but to the people around me. Ugh!

People mistreat their bodies. I know I do. We eat foods that clog our arteries and pad our waistlines. We avoid getting the exercise that would keep our muscles firm and our cardiovascular systems healthy. We allow ourselves to get addicted to cigarettes and alcohol and drugs of all kinds. We jump out of airplanes and drive recklessly. Frankly, we’re too stupid to be allowed to live. Yet live we do. Just not as long as we otherwise might. And not as comfortably as we would had we just cared for ourselves better. And we don’t get enough sleep. Sleep replenishes us. It nourishes our brains and gives our bodies time to rest.

I think people would be more likely to treat themselves (that is, their bodies) with more respect if the results of proper care were more immediate. As a species, we’re impatient. When I go to the gym, I want to see immediate results; a narrower waist, firmer muscles, more stamina, and hungry stares by women who crave my body but will never have the good fortune to engage with it. Well, I never really want or expect those hungry stares, but the instantly firm muscles and narrow waist would be nice. When those results do not come after three or four sessions at the gym, the efforts seem wasted and pointless. Patience is a virtue, they say.

According to Aristotle, the highest virtue was intellectual contemplation. An additional twelve virtues he said, are:

  1. 1) Courage
  2. Temperance
  3. Liberality
  4. Magnificence
  5. Pride
  6. Honor
  7. Good Temper
  8. Friendliness
  9. Truthfulness
  10. Wit
  11. Friendship
  12. Justice

You’ll notice that patience is not on the list. But I did find patience on a list of forty virtues (40!!??). I think forty is an unrealistic number; I couldn’t even begin to name forty virtues. Of course, I couldn’t name Aristotle’s thirteen without the aid of Queen Mother Google, the fount of all knowledge and keeper of plenty of deceit. In that list of forty, I found Docility and Meekness; methinks some of the virtues were found in a Thesarus. I also found Prayerfulness: “being still, listening, and being willing to talk to God as a friend.” Uh huh.

“Hey, let me introduce you to my friend, God. Quite the baseball player, God is. And he cures cancer when he’s in the mood.”

I realize, when I sit at my computer and write, that I frequently pause and look up resources online to help me better understand and idea taking shape in my head. It’s as if my brain and the internet were beginning to merge with one another; I can’t think a fully by myself as I can when I am connected with the world wide web. Elon Musk, I read yesterday, intends to implant chips in human brains to create direct connections between humans and computers. I suspect he got the idea while contemplating what I’ve realized sitting here at my computer; I think more completely and with far more breadth and depth when I am equipped with the aid of a computer. The computer would be useless with me to use it and my brain would be less resourceful without access to the computer. It stands to reason, then, that a means of integrating the two would magnify the scope of their intellectual values. My brain power would expand exponentially if I could directly incorporate the reach of the internet into my thoughts.

My thoughts were interrupted by an odd noise outside. I went to explore and discovered my driveway repair guys are here. They are grinding the cracks in the driveway in preparation for filling them with concrete and aggregate. I am impressed with these folks; they are hard workers, very friendly, and knowledgeable about their specialities. They have the stamina and endurance I don’t.

Enough musing for now. I had better get on with the day.

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A Happier Place

Gourmand: 1) person who is fond of good eating, often indiscriminatingly and to excess (dictionary.com); 2) a person who enjoys eating and drinking in large amounts (collinsdictionary.com); 3) one who is excessively fond of eating and drinking (merriam-webster.com).

I plead guilty on all counts.

The difference between a gourmand and a gourmet is that a gourmet is a connoisseur, an epicure, a refined and highly discriminating sampler of fine food, often paired with a side of pretention. Another difference, I think, is that a gourmand isn’t obsessed with food, though he may sometimes seem like he is; he just enjoys the hell out of it. A gourmet, on the other hand, in my view, is obsessive. He (or she) flaunts his discriminating palate as if it were a piece of fine jewelry he created from diamonds and gold he ripped from the earth with his own hands. Is my chauvinism showing?

All this is a prelude to my desire to express my desire to eat devilled kidney. I would prefer for it to be served to me at breakfast and for the kidney to have belonged to a lamb, but in a pinch I would accept a mid-afternoon snack crafted from organ meat previously owned by an adult sheep. Actually, I would be willing not to have it served to me but created by me and snatched off a freshly-plated  tray intended for dinner guests.

This afternoon diversion began early this morning as I read about and plotted to create and eat a certain Korean street food, Korean Breakfast Toast. The path between that earlier exploration and my temporary fixation on devilled lamb kidney is long and convoluted. I won’t go into it here for fear of never reaching the end of this post. Suffice it to say I wandered through a number of rabbit warrens, setting free dozens, if not hundreds, of bunnies in the process. The fact of the matter is this: I ended (at least for now) the process by reading about devilled kidneys and their popularity during the 19th and 20th centuries. I suspect, but am not sure, that their popularity has diminished during the first part of the 21st century, courtesy of a reduction in gustatory boldness and audacity.

Why is it that many people (dare I say most people?) seem unwilling to risk exposing unfamiliar flavors to their taste buds? Why are certain textures unappealing or even repelling? Does it not make sense that, if people in other cultures can tolerate and even enjoy “strange” foods, that we, too, can at least tolerate them? No? It’s “no” only if one subscribes to the erroneous belief that different “races” have different physical traits. Which is, in my obviously biased view, patently absurd. Such an idea is ugly and appalling and should be corrected by forced exposure to some of the “offending” culture’s more problematic differences. Here, I’m thinking of things like requiring a person to slay, skin, and cook a guinea pig; assuming, of course, this person found the idea objectionable. Peruvians eat guinnea pigs; cuyos is the word used by some indigenous people.

I think I’m veering off course again, though.

My intent, when I began this post, was to lament the fact that I find it so hard to identify other people who are willing to try unusual (to us) foods. I’m not looking for people who are obsessive about it; only for people who have a spirit of adventure and who are willing to try new things. Those people seem to be few and far between. We know a few. And we love them. But there should be more. Many more.

The world needs more gourmands. It would be a happier place.

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Sesquipedalian

Sesquipedalian; 1) given to using long words; 2) containing many syllables.

I first encountered the word nine years ago on Facebook. Really. The word was included in a post on the Smith College Facebook page. Ah! That explains it. I did not know the word, so I looked it up. Of course, I did not recall the meaning of the word when I encountered it again today. That happens a lot. I come across words with which I am unfamiliar. I make a point of looking them up and then using them in some form or fashion; my hope is that by using them, I will remember them. Typically, it doesn’t work that way. I may remember the word and its definition for a week or a month, but not much longer. Except in those instances in which the word triggers some sort of physical reaction. Of course, I don’t recall words I learned in connection with a triggered physical reaction. But one day I will. And when I do I will attempt to commit them to memory. But, probably, I will fail. That’s just the way it is.

I try not to brag about my sesquipedalian vocabulary, which is easy to avoid inasmuch as I tend to use relatively short words and I am not much of an admirer of sesquipedalian language. I would never, for example, use supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in a sentence, whether I knew how to spell it correctly or not (although, as I understand it, it’s not really a word). But there are legitimate uses to which a sesquipedalian vocabularly can be put. In medicine, for example, each component of absurdly long words can convey important information. Naturally, I cannot think of any good examples or, for that matter, any poor examples.

This morning, I’m trying to use language as a crutch, a cane to prop up my mood and keep it from stumbling into the abyss. That’s where it was last night, even into the wee hours of the morning. Even as the dim light of day attempted to peek through the monstrously humid air this morning.

The air is drenched in fog or haze; a heated mist that turns everything grey and blurs the trees nearby. The trees farther away are abstract forms, almost hidden by nearly opaque vapor. This morning, as I attempt to delve into words to describe the slate air and dullness outside my window, memories of last night’s depression remain clear. That’s odd; clear memories of darkness, while the fuzzy air surrounding my house obscures the clarity of nature.

Last night, the smoke from gasoline fires and the aroma of cooked meat filled my nostrils; not literally, but the odors seemed real as I imagined setting the world aflame. Strangely, I did not feel the heat of the inferno. I smelled it, but the flames did not consume me, even as I walked through them. How is it that I think I smelled heat? Heat doesn’t have an aroma, does it? Heat, combined with other materials, results in odors, but the heat alone is neutral, I would think. Is it possible to smell the sun? I suppose it may be. The sun is super-heated hydrogen and helium and a few trace elements. But it’s those elements I might smell, not the temperature of the sun.

See? I’m using language to steer me away from doleful, cheerless despondency. That’s a bit redundant, I know, but I’m doing it to make a point. Words can serve as transportation out of a funk. Eye candy, too, can serve as a route out of dispiritedness; allow a pulchritudinous woman to cross my path and my mood tends to brighten. Although, I have to admit, that sesquipedalian word sounds descriptive of something one might find stopping up a toilet.

I’m tired of the funk. So, I shall beat it unmercifully with a platinum shovel until it bleeds into a brilliant rainbow of euphoria. There, in that multi-colored dazzle, I’ll see a woman who lives a life devoted chiefly to the pursuit of pleasure (that is, according to Merriam-Webster, a playgirl). And in that fantasyland, I’ll go by a new name: Pleasure. I’m so damn clever I can hardly stand it.

 

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Shame

I don’t know when I last felt so utterly hopeless. Tonight, I feel like I can do nothing to salvage the world. I can do nothing to prevent humanity’s slide into chaotic oblivion, punctuated by race wars and class wars and economic combat. We live in what would be described in history books, if they could be written, as the end times of decency. The only hope I can hold in my heart is an experience absolutely anathema to my beliefs: that is that every member of the Republican Party and all its adherents will be doused in gasoline and set afire. That would give me hope. But it would leave me with an enormous number of people who should have perished in the blaze. I would be left with artificially compassionate people who, the deeper I might dig, would be revealed as bereft of decency as the ones we’ve just incinerated. Eventually, if the cleansing continued, no one would be left. Not even me. We’re all just as guilty as the next one. Our guilt is, quite simply, clothed in different garments. We are bad to the core. We deserve to be eradicated like stinging insects. All of us. Every one of us. Even the good ones. The “good ones” have their faults, too. I’m a cynic. I’m not one to forgive, not tonight. I don’t know how to define sin, but I think we’re all guilty of it; the worst kind, the kind of sin that makes it impossible to achieve even a shred of forgiveness.

If I could vaporize the world in which we live, I would do it tonight. I would eliminate the ugliness that grows like mold on the edges of the human soul. I would torch the misery we inflict on people who don’t deserve it. I would inflict ruin upon this ugly blemish we have visited upon the planet.

I’m not explaining my mood. And I shall not explain it. It need no explanation other than this: I belong to the human race and for that I am eternally sorry and ashamed.

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The Effects of Attention Deficit Bureaucracy on Linguistic Inquiry

This morning, for breakfast, we had toasted thin bagels topped with cream cheese, purple onion, capers, and smoked salmon. I had mine open-faced;  as in an open-faced sandwich. While I was eating my breakfast, I wondered aloud where the term “open-faced” came from. And I wondered why we don’t call sandwiches between two pieces of bread “closed-faced.” At least I don’t. My wife didn’t know, either. So, after breakfast, I began the exploration.

The first bit of information I came upon surprised me. According to the Merriam-Webster “time-traveler” online resource, the first recorded use in print of the term “open-faced,” with the meaning corresponding to its use with “sandwich,” occurred in 1917. In that same year, dozens and dozens of other words and terms enjoyed their print debut, according to Merriam-Webster. Those words include:

  • coldcock
  • extrovert
  • eyewear
  • macular degeneration
  • slinky

The “time-traveler” stipulates that each word or term first appeared in print associated with a specific definition. So, it’s certainly possible the words appeared earlier, but with different meanings.

The explanation of the etymology of “open-faced” was bare and insufficient, in my opinion, so I kept looking. According to the Collins Dictionary, the first usage appeared in 1787. However, Collins’s presentation suggests the term’s usage might have been in connection with a meaning unrelated to sandwiches. Interestingly, Collins says the term is used rarely; it is in the lower 50% of commonly-used words in the Collins Dictionary.

Still, I had no explanation of why “open-faced” would be used in connection with sandwiches and, moreover, why sandwiches whose contents were between two pieces of bread are not called “closed-face.” The search continued. And I discovered that the term “closed-face sandwich” is both used by and defined by the U.S. Department of Agriculture.

The USDA defines a closed faced sandwich as (according to the Michigan state paper noted below):

Product must contain at least 35 percent cooked meat and no more than 50 percent bread. Sandwiches are not amendable [sic] to inspection. … Typical “closed-faced” sandwiches consisting of two slices of bread or the top and bottom sections of a sliced bun that enclose meat or poultry, are not amendable [sic] to the federal meat and poultry inspection laws. Therefore, they are not required to be inspected nor bear the marks of inspection when distributed in interstate commerce.

According to a Michigan State Universtiy College of Agriculture and Natural Resources paper written by Laura McCready, quoting a December 11, 2007 St. Petersburg Times article written by Bill Adair,

“New York Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton highlighted the difference of closed face sandwiches versus open-faced sandwiches during a speech, “A ham and cheese sandwich on one slice of bread is the responsibility of the U.S. Department of Agriculture, which inspects manufacturers daily. But a ham and cheese sandwich on two slices of bread is the responsibility of the Food and Drug Administration, which inspects manufacturers about once every five years.”

Still, no explanation of why the terms are used. “Faced?” Sandwiches have faces? And what kind of bureaucratic madness leads to assignment for regulation of sandwiches to different agencies based purely on the presence or absence of a single slice of bread?!!

My interest in linguistic aberrations is waning, replaced by a burning desire to write an angry rant about the absurdities of governmental regulations. Of course, my insistence that my rant be factual rather than purely emotional would require me to verify that the regulations referenced by then-Senator Clinton were, indeed, as she said and, further, that they remain in effect. I’m not in the mood for research into a government that presently is in the process of being disassembled by an egotistical narcissist who should be, I fervently believe, physically removed from office and chained to a ten-thousand pound anchor that subsequently is dropped into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and, after two hours, retrieved and put away. But I digress.

Consider the state of the English language if it were regulated by the U.S. Congress, subject to the approval or disapproval of a barely coherent ape in an orange jumpsuit. We all would be speaking in single syllable sentences no more than six words long; the definitions of the words would depend on whether the speaker and the audience were Democrat, Republican, Independent, or intelligent.

Not that it truly matters, but according to the Merriam-Webster time-traveler, a year before “open-faced” was first used in print to describe sandwiches, the term “snake oil” and the words “sociopathic” and “sanitorium”  were first used in print. I can’t help but think there’s more than coincidence at play here. Whenever I think of the weapon of mass ignorance occupying the White House, I receive signals from the universe that tell me, in not-so-cryptic language, that “attention must be paid.”

All of this from a simple question about descriptive language applied to food. Just imagine what might happen if I invested a great deal of time investigating serious questions about differences in intellectual dimensions of women versus men or Ethiopians versus Chileans. The end result could be an eighty-thousand word essay on the relationship between the Bible and modern-day video games.

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State of Flux

You know who I was, not who I am. I am in a state of flux, a man engaged in constant mutation from one form to another. Every breath I take in leaves a different person’s mouth. The change takes place quietly and without show, but snapshots of my psyche taken days apart could reveal stunning adjustments to my thought processes. On one day, I may be the picture of serenity, a calm and contented fixture in a stable and placid environment. But the next, the fury and fire inside me can consume planets—if the inferno doesn’t engulf me in an inextinguishable conflagration first.

If the energy storms that take place inside me were plotted on an oscillograph, the image would frighten even a seasoned psychic reader. The medium would see heat-driven tornadoes of molten rock incinerating entire galaxies. And then in the lull that followed, ice sheets a thousand frigid lives deep would preserve the seeds of the future, buried in the ashes of time.

The view looking in from outside does not reveal the changes; at least not so vividly. That external scene shows a man in the soft throes of fermentation, stooped a bit as he battles the inevitable decay that comes with age. As the years go by, the image changes in more obvious ways. Thinning, greying hair. A growing midsection, fueled by too much food and drink and too little exercise. Skin growing dry and soft. Sagging, empty sacks of skin that muscles once filled.

So, a contradiction exists between the exterior deterioration and the internal cyclic, saw-toothed, emotional whirlwind. It is in spite of and because of that contradiction that I am unknowable in the present. I can be accurately described only in the past; the present is far too turbulent for either words or understanding to capture. And the person I will become in the future is describable only to the extent that I will bear no resemblance to either the present or the past person I am or was.

Though I speak as if “you” were the one who finds it impossible to know who I am at this moment, that inability extends to me, as well. And the “I” of whom I speak probably describes you, too. We all are in transition from who we were to who we will be. We are never who we are for long enough to know ourselves in the present. Your internal oscillograph may not be as chaotic as mine, but I suspect the zenith and nadir of its cycles do not approximate a flat line, either.

If time would slow down for long enough, we might be able to examine the waves of the plotted lines in sufficient depth and detail to know who we really are; in the big picture, I mean. We might be able to adequately understand the emotional swings, from high to low and back, so we might better control them. But, then again, we might not.

Even in my periods of tranquility, passions of every kind course through me like whitewater rapids. Love, hate, lust, anger, rage, ardor. Those emotions power my life just as surely as food and water.  In various ways, they define who I am, even in those moments of calm and placidity. They shape the route my energy flows, too, when fury guides me across a terrain pockmarked with deep pits of anger.  I picture all these emotions as viscous fluids, each one a different color, spinning in different directions inside a massive vessel. The fluids never mix with one another, but they intersect in thin rivulets as they spin, creating illusions that they have merged into new colors. But when the spinning slows, the thin rivulets join with their uniquely colored flows and congeal into thick rivers.

Reading what I have written frightens me a bit; I can imagine a psychologist recommending institutionalization for a person with my thought patterns. But it would be a short stay, wouldn’t it? I mean, I will no longer be who I am in less than a moment’s time. So my deviance is a thing of the past, never the present.

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Learning from the Canadians

The concept seems solid:

“If you think about the composition of meat, it’s actually five things,” Ethan Brown says: “Amino acids, lipids, trace minerals, vitamins and water. All of that is available to us outside the animal. What animals do is take a tremendous amount of plant material and a lot of water and use their digestive system to convert that to muscle that we then harvest as meat. What we’re doing is starting with the same inputs—plants and water—and using heating, cooling and pressure to produce meat directly from plants. If we’re capable of pulling those amino acids, lipids, trace minerals and vitamins directly from plants, we should be able to successfully transition the human race from using animals to harvest meat.”

I mean, if we convert the raw materials of iron, chromium, nickel, manganese, copper, and carbon to stainless steel, we ought to be able to convert plant materials to meat. And we do. “We” meaning companies like Beyond Meat, of which Ethan Brown is founder, and Impossible Foods and probably dozens, if not hundreds, of other companies that are or will jump on the non-animal “meat” bandwagon.

I extracted Brown’s quote at the top of this post from an article in Maclean’s, Canada’s national affairs and news magazine. Much of the other information I obtained on the topic of meat substitutes came from the same article, so what I am writing here may be unique to Canada…but probably not.

The market for non-animal “meat” products is growing exponentially. And the beef and dairy industries in Canada are taking notice and responding defensively, as typically happens. Rather than confronting disruptive change with acknowledgement and appreciation, business reacts in fear, which in turn generates attacks against the threat. In Canada, the Quebec Cattle Producers Federation launched a complaint with the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, arguing that Beyond’s products should not include the word “meat.” “Meat” is defined, they say, as “carcass derived from an animal.” That’s a pretty weak argument, I think, inasmuch as the company suggests in its product names that its products are “beyond” that animal-based product.

The concept of converting naturally-occurring plant products into edible food that looks and tastes like meat fascinates me. While it’s intriguing, though, I am innately skeptical that the process of making those conversions is as gloriously good for the planet as some claim. How much energy/water/product is used in the process and how does it compare to naturally-occurring meat? And how much energy is actually saved (if any) by producing and transporting artificial meat compared to locally-raised grass-fed beef? Lots of questions. The questions notwithstanding, the topic intrigues me no end. And, having grilled and eaten a Beyond burger at home, I can attest to the fact that the substitute is damn near the real thing (though my wife disagrees with me).

I look forward to learning more as time goes by and as the “fake meat” industry grows. And, by the way, I also look forward to trying lab-grown meat that, unlike the substitutes, is the real deal, just not from a live animal. For now, though, I understand it’s out of my price range, at hundreds to thousands of dollars per pound.

***

I read something else in Maclean’s that grabbed my attention. Shannon Proudfoot, an Ottawa-based writer for the magazine, wrote a piece that appeared last October (2018). In it, she revealed the most “thunderous epiphanies” about truly mundane aspects of life that people shared with her. These epiphanies were embarrassing “aha!” moments when people realized they had misunderstood facets of life that made them feel stupid. But we’ve all been there. Some of my favorites:

  • Shannon finally realized that her mother, when she opened egg cartons in the grocery store and rolled each egg, was not counting eggs but was, instead, checking to ensure none were broken;
  • A guy “thought Arson was a guy.” The news would say “Arson is suspected.” And I was like, ‘Another one?!? They gotta catch this guy!’
  • A woman didn’t realize that Dr. Spock and Mr. Spock weren’t the same person until she was a grown woman. She was always baffled how a fictional Vulcan became the expert on raising real human babies;
  • Another woman thought the Wheel of Fortune host’s name was Patsy Jack until she was 19. Her roommate at the time informed her it’s actually Pat Sajak after she yelled at the TV screen “Yeah Patsy Jack!”
  • A man thought artichoke hearts were from an animal that he pictured as being similar to an armadillo. He thought it was disgusting that people would buy jars filled with animal parts.
  • Another man said, “I thought money laundering was physically washing the money and hanging it to dry to get cocaine residue off of it. A whole room of people silently stared at me after I announced this.”

I have my own such idiotic epiphany, though it was not so much an epiphany as a temporary failure of thought and logic. I was in a junior high school class when the teacher asked me to identify which word from a list was not real; which one was gibberish. I’m not sure what all the words were, but I think they may have included forearm, forehead, forenose, foreleg, and forefinger; the one I picked was “forehead,” because there’s no such thing as a forehead, right? Wrong. I realized soon after I made my pronouncement that I was mistaken. The rest of the class erupted in laughter and I turned beet-red at my faux pas.

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Hope

We went to another World Tour of Wine dinner last night. The wines and menu were, so they said, Chilean. I can vouch for the wines, inasmuch as I saw the labels on the bottles and tasted their contents. I am not certain about the menu, but I suspect it was based at least loosely on Chilean fare.

Last night’s dinner was the first, we were told, that was not a sell-out. The crowd seemed a little sparse, though I imagine there were at least sixty or eighty in attendance. It’s possible that attendance is declining because we’ve begun revisiting countries’ wines. Chile was among the first countries whose wines we tasted; that earlier dinner is what prompted our group to start our own wine-specific gathering at one another’s homes, doing a blind-tasting of Malbec wines. We agreed last night to have another gathering early next month at the house of a couple who live close to us. Despite our decision last night to do that again, I have the sense that there’s not as much enthusiasm about these gatherings as there once was. And I’m not quite sure why that is.

There was quite a bit of enthusiasm last night when someone suggested the group should organize a trip on a California wine train. The idea appeals to me, but I suspect such trips are crowded. My ideal, of course, would involve a multi-day trip in a private train car, visits to multiple wineries (with tastings), and overnight stays at luxurious properties. The cost for such a dream excursion would be out of this world, I imagine. But one can dream, can’t one?

Two people who used to participate in our group, a brother and sister, have stopped because of his pulmonary illness. Coincidentally, I received an email from him this morning, responding to mine, suggesting that we might be able to get together sometime soon for happy hour at his sister’s house, where he’s been staying since his latest hospital visit. Apparently, from what I’ve been told, he is more than a little depressed because he is tethered to oxygen tanks and doesn’t have much energy to get up and about. I can only imagine what that must be like; I hope I can help boost his morale a bit when we visit.

Most of the members of our wine group have known each other for many years; in fact, that’s true of all the members except for Janine and me. We are the newcomers, the outsiders, the interlopers. We’re not treated that way, but I don’t feel truly part of the group because I don’t know the other members nearly as well as they know one another. I suppose it takes time, a lot of time, to feel truly engaged in such a tight-knit group. I’m much more relaxed with the group than I once was, but I can’t be completely comfortable with any of them in a one-on-one basis. That’s true of most people; I mean that’s the way I feel with most people. I can relax and open up in a group setting, but it takes me quite a long time to really relax. Maybe “quite a long time” actually means forever. I can’t even completely open up with myself, and I’ve known the person with whom I share mind and body for many year; still, I have secrets I won’t even share with me. It sounds like gibberish, but it’s not; not really.

***

I have an appointment with my primary care doctor’s nurse this morning. The objective of the appointment is to get a referral to an ENT doctor to see if that doctor can identify the cause(s) of my excessive phlegm/mucus and resulting cough; not only the cause, but the cure, I hope. My primary care doctor is on vacation. His prescription of a diuretic and potassium seemed to help for a few days, but then the symptoms came back with a vengeance.  My wife insists I do something about the cough; she says she wouldn’t let me get on an airplane with a cough like that. I think she was speaking as if she were the pilot or flight attendant. And she’s probably right. Even though I don’t think I have anything contagious, my cough probably would frighten an entire plane-load of passengers, who would fear exposure to the bubonic plague or something equally (or more) scary. We shall see what we shall see. I sure want this cough to disappear.

Aside from the cough, I have a pretty severe pain in my upper vertebrae. Today is the third day of it and I’m ready for it to end. I’ve skipped going to the gym since the pain started because I don’t want to exacerbate it.

This business of illness, pain, coughing, etc., etc. is interfering with my ability to enjoy daily living. This is not what I was planning for this July, nor for the remaining years of my life. Something’s gotta give. My hope is that all the nastiness will disappear into a quickly-fading memory. Let’s hope.

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