John Swinburn

What makes some images pleasing to the eye and others not? Among the only answers I have found over the years is the tired, old “I may not know art (or beauty or whatever), but I know what I like.” That explanation is empty and useless; it treats the question as if it were unworthy of thought. Usually, when I ponder the question (which I do quite a lot, for some reason), I tire early of seeking answers to a question that has none. But this morning I spent more time than usual exploring the question and reading what others have to say about it. Interestingly, some people consider the question a philosophical one, while others believe it to be a question whose answer may be found in science or facts or measurable reality.

This morning, I found a related question on Quora, which bills itself as “a social question-and-answer website and online knowledge market.” The question: “Why does visual composition always seek to represent images that are aesthetically pleasing to the eye?” An answer posted by Pamela Trow intrigued me. She wrote, “Nature’s formula for visual harmony and beauty is called the Dynamic Mean or Divine Proportion and the mathematical formula is exemplified by the Fibonacci Sequence (also known as the Golden Ratio) in which each successive number is equal to the sum of the two preceding numbers.” Interesting. I have long known of the Golden Ratio/Fibonacci Sequence, exemplified by images of a Nautilus shell, but I have not understood it to be the representative of beauty in all things. But if that is the key, then a person might be able to understand why he finds one person beautiful and another only mildly attractive. Yet a mathematical formula cannot incorporate emotion. For example, the closer I get, emotionally, to another person, the more beautiful I find that person to be. The appeal of art, though, might be explained by the degree to which its images approach the Fibonacci Sequence. But, no, one person may find a piece of art extraordinarily beautiful, while another person may find the same piece of art unappealing in the extreme. So much for a mathematical explanation of what constitutes visually appealing images.

And here I sit, watching the day unfold outside my window. Some of the supple green leaves on the trees are beautiful; others are brown, brittle, and deformed. But they, too, are beautiful in completely different ways. Physical beauty is shaped by the emotions; mood molds what is or is not pleasing to the eye. I do not understand it. I want to, but probably never will. That is both all right and awfully unsatisfying. That’s the way the world works.

Before the leaves turn vibrant colors, they lose their green vibrancy. A dull, greyish pall seems to envelop the forest, creating a depressing early-day atmosphere suited more to mourning than to morning. Or is it just me? Does the forest look the same now as it did a few days ago, but my eyes and my mind have adjusted somehow to make everything look more than a little bleak? Silence, on top of the dullness of the sun’s filtered light, makes the view out my window seem like a still-life enshrouded in a sullen mood.  Odd, that.

+++

I cannot feel the chill in the outside air—the temperature is 43°F—this morning, but I can imagine how it would feel if I were to go outside and let the chill soak into my every pore. This morning is ideal for a fire in the fireplace, but I have not had the gas tanks and valves serviced, so I won’t light a fire. I had all summer to do something about it, but spent my time, energies, and thoughts on other things. Now, I am ready to be mesmerized by flames licking the air; all I can do is light a candle, instead. Laziness does not pay the kind of dividends I wish it did.

+++

As I close in on the end of my sixth decade, the reality of the accelerating diminution of my physical and mental strength becomes more and more apparent. The reduction in strength and stamina began quite early, before I was nineteen, when Crohn’s disease figuratively punched me in the gut. Though the symptoms have long since subsided, the pain of periodic flare-ups plagued me for decades. Emergency surgery when I was in my mid-thirties—meant to respond to a wrongly diagnosed appendicitis—probably minimized symptoms in the years after, but even after surgery my gut occasionally reminded me that the disease is chronic. Then, when I was fifty or fifty-one, my long and stupid history of smoking led to a double coronary bypass; more weakening of a body too young to be decaying so fast. That same history of smoking left me with lung cancer about five years ago, which was treated with a lobectomy and chemo and radiation. More stresses and strains on a body already abused by time and my insolent belief that I must be invincible. There has been more, of course. Every physical assault on my health has been accompanied by the shame of recognizing that much of the damage was self-inflicted. And realizing that the time when I might have been able to repair some of the damage has passed. I have not given up on myself—not by any means—but I know I can never be a healthy forty-year-old again…as if ever I was a healthy forty-year-old.  This self-assessment came about this morning after I read an article that mentioned the world’s southernmost “city,” Puerto Williams, Chile.  Even further south is Caleta Eugenia, a tiny place (population of two), the southernmost place on the planet to which one can drive. For reasons I do not completely understand, I have always been fascinated with Chile…the entire length of the narrow country, from Arica in the far north to the southern tip of the country. For years, I dreamt of going to Chile, wandering the country to determine whether I could adapt to a completely different lifestyle. At one point, probably fifteen or twenty years ago, I came across images of an architecturally stunning, absolutely beautiful house built on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The place was for sale and I wanted to buy it (it was affordable!). Of course I did not, for many good reasons. But the dream of living in a secluded place with views of the Pacific stayed with me. Those dreams, of course, belong to a young man who has not yet reached the prime of life; not to an aging dreamer physically unfit to live in a challenging natural environment.  Ach! Now, I look back at unrealistic, impractical dreams and understand why I never allowed myself to pursue them. Had I tried, I would have failed; my interests would have suddenly shifted, as they always have, from one shiny object or idea to another. These depressing thoughts do not belong here with me. I will abandon them for something more appealing. Perhaps.

+++

As of this morning, I am eleven pounds lighter than I was when we left for Mexico. I am sure at least some of those lost pounds will be found, but perhaps I will, this time, stop looking so hard for them. Maybe I will turn my attention to something unlikely to recover that unwelcome weight. Most of the weight loss, I realize, resulted from the two weeks I was sick; little appetite, a bit of dehydration, and a lot of sleep. Yet I think my unconscious desire to force my body to discard unnecessary mass probably helped. Yahoo.

+++

The day is moving on, and so shall I.

Every breath we take, every step we make, can be filled with peace, joy and serenity.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~

I am not sure I am comfortable with the idea that we can have control or power over our emotions, because power and control are at odds with the concepts of peace, joy, and serenity. But what else is it that can enable a person to assertively and deliberately select emotions to experience? Of course, my thinking is based on the premise that Thich Nhat Hanh‘s quotation reflects reality. The ability to select emotions and/or states of mind one wishes to experience is open to debate. Some would say emotions cannot be controlled; they might be masked, but the experience cannot be picked. To a certain extent, I would agree with that, but having occasionally practiced embracing peace and serenity in a very deliberate way, I am certain it is possible for one’s mind to override physical experience in favor of a desired emotion or state of mind. That having been said, my experiences in that realm is admittedly limited and has been—and continues to be—filled with potholes and starving alligators. Practice. It takes practice. And practice takes patience. And there’s the rub for me; I am impatient in so many ways. More than once, I have become annoyed— while reading an especially gripping book—that I will have to wade through the remaining pages to get the full storying that is being told. Impatience and serenity live in difference palaces, one filled with knick-knacks that share nothing in common, the other almost barren in its stark beauty.

+++

In just moments, I will leave for my early appointment with my family doctor’s APRN. It’s just a follow-up to confirm that the 2-weeks of exhaustion and 2 courses of antibiotics have left me, finally, moderately alert and reasonably healthy. I am in the mood for a Central Texas style sausage kolache; a chunk of coarse-ground, heavily peppered meat and a slice of jalapeño around which a piece of dough has been wrapped and then baked. Alas, I do not know of any reasonably accessible sources for that longed-for breakfast. I would have to drive six or eight hours to find one. Espresso, instead, I guess. Peace, joy, and serenity can be found in certain kolaches and in tiny cups filled with frothy foam atop deeply rich and strong espresso. I think so, anyway.

+++

Off into the day. I am wearing gym pants that will not stay up if I put even a penny in a pocket, so I’ll have to grab my man-purse and fill it with keys, phone, wallet, pocket knife, writing pad, and pen.

We were able to see yesterday’s eclipse. A few weeks ago, I ordered a couple of pairs of eclipse-viewing glasses, which we used to look at the moon taking a bite out of the sun. While we were not in middle of the path, the scene was quite interesting, anyway. Interesting in passing. Not sufficiently interesting to me to research the phenomenon. My interests are broad, but shallow. I know almost nothing about so very much.

+++

After six years of liberal government in New Zealand, most of that time under the leadership of Jacinda Ardern, the country has elected a conservative. As I mull over political changes that have taken place over the years, I notice the tendency for voters to vote for change after a while. My gut tells me voters’ reactions to their leaders’ approaches to governance is one of frustration. The majority of voters tire of both liberal leaning governments and conservative leaning governments; because, I suspect, the ones in power lean too fully left or right. I wonder whether moderate governments tend to stay in power longer than either one of the more strident political groups. Moderation requires compromise, which the fringe ends of the political spectrum seem to loathe. Is that disdain for compromise based in the fact that compromise requires the parties to yield some demands in favor of the other? Who knows?

+++

We had a conversation yesterday afternoon about whether my oft-expressed wish—to live in the middle of my own isolated, large (say, 2,000-acre) plot—is a tangible dream I might actually pursue or, instead, pure fantasy. (It was not so much participating in a conversation as being grilled by two seasoned interrogators.)  It once was a dream I thought I might one day achieve. But over the years it became less and less realistic. Today, it represents the shredded shell of a dream pummeled repeatedly by reality and impracticality. “I wish” is an admission of defeat, an acknowledgement that an attempt to achieve a fantasy is wasted time and energy. In considering that old, tired, impossible dream of mine, I ask myself “why?” has that been desirable to me? What do I find appealing about being insulated from other people? My response, which sometimes goes unheard in the shrillness of the day, is that I want the ability to be insulated and isolated, not that I want isolation and insulation to be a permanent condition. I need/want my solitude more frequently than most people, I suppose; but I do not want to be permanently isolated from others. Nor do I, though, want to be unable to achieve that physical and emotional distance. I want to be able to forget, if only briefly, that I share the planet with more humans than I’d like.

+++

I would like to spend this morning in leisure. No obligations, nothing I have to do and no place I have to be. But my multiple week respite (combining vacation with family gathering with an extended period of utter exhaustion) seems to be coming to an end. Today, we plan to go to church, after a long pause. And the coming week is lousy with appointments of one kind or another. So my desire for leisure this morning is simply a fantasy; a wish so worn and thin it is nearly transparent. I’m going to take the day, regardless, and milk it for all it’s worth.

+++

A dim sky. If I were sufficiently interested, I would seek today’s forecast to determine whether the sky will remain dull and forlorn. Apparently I am not sufficiently interested. Off I go to something else.

Oh, yes, it’s late! Quite late! I slept like a log last night, almost all night without interruption. When I woke, I heard a yowling cat and opened my eyes to a room thick with sunlight. Not the gentle sunlight that seeps through the windows shortly after daybreak, but drenching sunlight that leaves distinct shadows of everything in its domain. The computer screen allows that the air is a cool 54°F this morning, reaching for a high of 66°F, the kind of weather extremes I love. A clear, blue sky like the one outside my window this morning, and temperatures cool enough for a sweater but not for a coat—that combination is enormously attractive. If I could manufacture the ideal climate, I would model it after the weather that surrounds our house at this very moment. I drank my first double shot of espresso at the breakfast table. Perhaps I’ll have a second one as I sit on the deck in sacred gratitude for this morning that, I  hope, fully welcomes me back to the world of the fundamentally healthy.

+++

It seems that age 70 is the initial cultural dividing line between golden maturity and old age. That is my reading of the social cues I have seen in news headlines, e.g., “70-year-old attacked at bus stop,” or “71-year-old drives car into dry cleaner,” or “Missing 73-year-old found in neighbor’s basement.” Those headlines imply the subject is old. If he or she were 69- or 64- or 68-years-old, age probably would not have found its way into the headline. Inserting age into the headline is a means of separating “old” people from “normal” people; that is, appropriately-aged folks from those who are at or beyond their “use by” dates. Despite that readily-visible (if not necessarily intentional) distinction, those of us near or beyond the ages of 70 or 80 or 90 do not have to accept it. We can simply refuse to accept the implicit label. It really is that easy.

+++

Yesterday was a good day, one I would rank high among the days of the past two or three weeks. My intent is for each succeeding day to at least equal the one before it in terms of enjoyment and appreciation. That may be a tall order, but it is one I think well worth pursuing.

Finally, some semblance of normalcy…as if normalcy were anything but fiction. That notwithstanding, a return to an imaginary routine is more appealing than a roller coaster of relatively minor, but unpredictable, mental and physical chaos. Normalcy may be a hologram, but it is a moderately comforting hologram. I understand the appeal of virtual reality games; the artificial experience in which they immerse the player can substitute—at least for a time—a pleasant adventure for bruising reality. There will come a time when patients are treated with a combination of physical treatments—pills and surgeries and injections and the like—and mental manipulation, for example, immersion in virtual reality. In a nutshell (because the foregoing words are too confusing to offer a real explanation), I feel better than I have in two weeks. Better is not synonymous with good, but I’ll take better, rather than the same or worse, any time. Perhaps my visit with my doctor’s APRN on Monday will offer information about why I have been so achy, exhausted, and generally uncomfortable for so damn long.

+++

Want, as a noun. It’s that something desired and, in many cases, it’s that something that probably is impossible to attain. Knowing the impossibility, one would think the desire would dissolve, leaving only a hole that, over time, fills in. Scars over. Heals. But so often, we simply convince ourselves that the impossible is, in fact, possible. The scenarios in which the want would be filled often are just fantasies, but our minds manufacture ways in which fantasies can become realities. In so doing, we torture ourselves into believing the unbelievable. The question of sanity comes up, of course, but then we realize everyone is at least a little insane. And so it goes.

+++

I am becoming addicted to the New York Times. The paper’s subscription department understands how to lure unsuspecting occasional users into becoming addicts. The people responsible for boosting the number of subscribers give vulnerable readers full online access to the paper for just $4 per month for an extended period. Suddenly, when want becomes need, the modest $4 rate skyrockets to $325 per year (or more). By the time one reaches that point, it is impossible to stop; the addict would be willing to sell friends’ (or one’s own) children just to keep open access. Sly bastards.

+++

Yesterday’s overcast is forecast to continue today. Today, though, the possibility of rain is a teaser. I enjoy the dimness of overcast mornings, especially morning like this one when temperatures hover just above 60°F. I’ve already had a double espresso, followed by an 8-ounce cup of French roast, so there is no need for more caffeine to protect me against the chill as I go sit on the deck. I will do that now. And to boost my mood even more, I will take a cone of incense outside with me. A patchouli “high” is just what the doctor ordered.

And the day unfolds.

Yesterday afternoon, we sat on the deck for quite some time, soaking in the coolish temperatures and listening to the wind make its way through the trees. There is a word for that sound: psithurism. When I learned that word several years ago, I fell in love with it. I remember, at the time, doubting whether I would remember the word, though I was certain I would recall the definition. From time to time since, I have remembered; sometimes, I have had to struggle to recall the word, but usually it comes with little effort. As I gazed into the light of the forest, I thought of another word I love. It is a Japanese term that refers to the dappled light filtering through a canopy of leaves and branches: komorebi. Both words are drenched in a sensation of peace and serenity.

+++

I wrote the following paragraph before I wrote the one above, but I switched the order before posting because I wanted today’s post to begin on a positive note. I could have simply deleted the next paragraph, but doing so would have erased a record of my experience; something I would rather not do.

The occasional sign suggests the possibility of recovery: hours-long stretches during which I remain awake, albeit bone-tired. And, then, I realize, sometimes the weariness is not as overwhelmingly deep as it had been. But the exhaustion returns when I exert myself in only a minor way, like showering or slipping on casual clothes. Yet that doesn’t last as long as it did just yesterday or the day before; a glimpse of restoration. I am counting on a full—or, at least, an adequate—recovery by early next week, when I have various obligations, including multiple medical appointments. The most exciting is scheduled for Wednesday afternoon, when my chemo port is scheduled for removal. Among the others—oncologist and cardiologist—are reminders of my inevitable decay and the mortality that eventually follows. Actually, I think I have improved enormously in recent days. I may remain tired, but I am not too tired to breathe.  I have nothing to complain about, compared to millions and millions of others whose daily lives are exercises in agony. I keep reminding myself of that. So should we all.

+++

I feel as though I have missed the early days of autumn by sleeping 20 hours a day for the last two weeks. We had planned on driving to St. Paul, Minnesota to listen to Peter Mayer in concert in a coffee house, but both of us were ill, so we cancelled the trip. We assumed we would be better by the first part of this week, so we talked about driving to Mississippi to visit an art museum; that, too, was abandoned due to illness. Ach! And now I have a rash of obligations that will prevent me from making spur-of-the-moment road trips.  I should not complain. I keep telling myself I should not complain. And yet I do.

+++

I look forward today to a friend’s visit. Little things can brighten one’s attitude. Even though little things are not little things, after all. They are the things that count.

More than a week ago, I stopped bothering to write my usual morning posts. For each of the four days before abandoning my morning routine, I wrote something, but the output was nothing more than wasted energy. During that time, I have made two trips to seek medical treatment. A five-day antibiotic regimen was prescribed the first time; I was directed to follow a seven-day regimen of a different antibiotic the second trip. My energy level is next to nil. My sleep has ranged from 14 to 20 hours each night/day. I am to return to my doctor’s office next week for a follow-up; sooner if the symptoms do not begin to disappear. Though whatever I have is not contagious by this point, it does not seem to be disappearing. Mi novia, fortunately, seems to be emerging from her 12+ day illness (with different symptoms). I read the news and experience waves of depression and hopelessness. What the hell is wrong with humankind? Though I hope my illness passes soon, I am not sure just what will take its place. Exhaustion cannot be understood until one experiences it day after day after day. It’s eight o’clock. I will go back to bed. What else can I do?

Our respective illnesses are growing incredibly tiresome. We both are tired; fed up. I have never slept so much, nor felt so perpetually achy and…just sick. That is probably not true, but it is close. Yesterday’s high body temperature was 103.2°F, but it did not last. I record this crap for what reason? I have no idea. Just to have something to type. I will not continue this exercise in boredom. I will try to be seen at the walk-in clinic early this morning. Maybe a miracle…

Simultaneous sickness is not conducive to anything positive. Mi novia got absolutely no sleep last night and most of the past several nights. I, on the other hand, have done almost nothing but sleep or vegetate in bed for the last several days. Three days ago, we ordered a pizza for delivery because neither of us had the energy to make anything to eat. Under normal conditions, we would have consumed the whole thing within hours of delivery. Today, the remaining three pieces sit in the fridge. Our appetites have disappeared into the ether. While that has some appeal, the way it is taking place is completely unacceptable.

Last night, my temperature was 102.9°F. I felt like my hair was on fire. But the drugs calm the flames, albeit only mildly. I have one more hour before I can take another two acetaminophen tablets; they take at least an hour (usually more) to ease my splitting headache and then lose their potency after another three hours. So, I can take tablets every six hours for, at best, four hours of moderate relief. Cripe! I do not have the strength to see a doctor today. If I don’t feel even moderately better tomorrow, I will give the office a call and beg for something that works better than the tablets I’ve been taking; morphine might do the trick.

Enough of this. Back to bed and, I hope, quickly to sleep so I can forget the headache until it’s time to take another dose.

These monster ailments affecting us have led us to conclude making our trip to St. Paul is not wise. As much as I long for a road trip and as much as I’d like to see Peter Mayer again, and even if our symptoms disappear in the next few days, we think it best not to risk a relapse on the road. Both of us have been sleeping a lot (or in mi novia’s case, trying to sleep), but sleep’s usual healing powers have had essentially no impact on us. If conditions haven’t improved by tomorrow, she will return to her doctor’s office and I will try to get an appointment. In the  meantime, we will stay home and hibernate. No church today. No mah-jongg for her tomorrow. Blah.

+++

I’ve expended all my available energy writing the paragraph above. So, I’m finished for now.

Headache. Chills. Fever, perhaps. Aching muscles and joints. Extremely tired. Whatever it is, this cluster of symptoms is terribly uncomfortable. I napped yesterday from around noon to nearly six, I think. And then I got in bed shortly after six and stayed there, except for a couple of trips to the bathroom, until around three. Up for half an hour, then back to bed, but not to sleep, until five-thirty. The aches—some of them—may be attributable to all that time in bed, but the rest of the symptoms must be caused by something else. Acetaminophen and allergy pills have had no appreciable impact on how I feel. My symptoms are very different from mi novia’s symptoms and they started long after hers began to abate slightly, so we are suffering from different ailments. Some of her symptoms have improved, but others stubbornly continue. Her sore throat seems to have gotten significantly better, but she continues to cough and her sinuses are giving her all manner of grief. If asked how I feel, I might respond by saying I feel like hammered puppy poo (as if I knew how that might feel). Rotten, in other words. Ideally, the Village’s restaurants—at least some of them—would have prepacked meals available for delivery. There’s plenty of food in the refrigerator and freezer, but the energy required to prepare it has slipped away into the nearby forest. But it takes almost as much energy to eat a simple meal as it does to prepare it, so my complaint just represents whining. I bought a watermelon and a cantaloupe a few days ago, which sounds like a marvelous breakfast; slice them and carve out a few chunks and, voilà, a meal appears. That’s far easier than having to dress to be presentable to the delivery person. That notwithstanding, some day I hope the Village has multiple meal delivery options. There was a time when I might have considered starting such a business. No more.

+++

Good news seems sparse, weak, and flimsy in comparison to unpleasant news. Looking for good news is rather pointless in the face of an intentional government shutdown, courtesy of a group of right-wing members of the House of Representatives. And good news is overshadowed by the floods in and around New York City, the healthcare strike, the auto workers strike, the existence of a man named Donald Trump, and the Mississippi River’s prospects for being fed enough water to keep the waterway vibrant and operational.

+++

I saw a post on Facebook this morning that gripped my imagination in ways that few post do. It was posted by a group labeled English Literature. It included a quotation from Maya Angelou’s book, Wouldn’t Take Nothing for My Journey Now and an image of an Andrew Wyeth painting.

Every person needs to take one day away. A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future. Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence. Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for. Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.

~ Maya Angelou ~

And now I will continue dealing with my discomfort.

I am attempting to make an appointment to see a counselor; someone who might help slash the reeds of anxiety or depression that sometimes seem to withhold fresh air from my lungs and my life—even though nothing in particular seems intent on suffocating me. Little things—and not-so-little things—work together in a way that makes me feel like I am wading through mud at the edge of a marsh. A step in the wrong direction could find me sinking in a pool of muck from which escape is difficult, though not impossible.  I await the bill for repair to the rental car whose tire burst when I ran it into a high concrete curb. Replacing a tire, alone, is expensive; a wheel is more costly and any damage to the steering mechanism and other parts of the undercarriage would be even more. Money is not the issue, really. It is the fact that apparently I could not see that I was about the smash into the curb until I had done it. The fact that my diminished lung capacity contributes to a lack of stamina—and breathlessness—also makes me feel more than a little inadequate, especially in comparison to how I was a few years ago. Increasing age—and illness and physical decay—emphasize the reality that I am not the same person I once was. I read an old blog post this morning, from another of my blogs that is now dormant, “celebrating” the fact that I had just reached my 58th birthday. Almost twelve years ago. Too much water can flow under the bridge in twelve years, deeply carving the channel’s walls and making the banks above them dangerous and unstable. About that counselor; finding one who can accept Medicare and who has openings for new patients is proving quite difficult. Another reality to face: large numbers of people in and around the area in which I live need help as much as or, more likely, more than I. Fortunately for me, my oncologist’s office is trying to identify qualified people who would accept me. Ach! The population is confronting a crumbling wall that may not withstand the pressure of people trying to climb it.

+++

I hate to write paragraphs like the one above, because it looks like an effort to entice readers to pity me. That is not my intent. While I do not like writing this sort of thing, I think it may help me identify and measure my challenges. It is quite odd, feeling the way I do, after spending ten days away, including seven days in what amounts to paradise. Coolish weather, lush and absolutely beautiful flora, extremely pleasant people, lovely restaurants…the vacation should fuel my anxiety-free and depression-free experiences for weeks or months to come. Maybe the contrast between where I was and where I am is influencing my mood. Or maybe I am just having trouble adapting to the real world again.

+++

I took Phaedra (the cat) to day-care yesterday and again this morning to keep her from being underfoot while solar tubes (to provide sunlight illumination) are being installed. We are investing in our house to make it even more livable. This morning’s cool weather (it is only 69°F at the moment) should boost my mood. And maybe it does.

Enough of this. I’ve been trying to clear my mind ever since I awoke, at 3 a.m. I slept, off and on, after that, but not enough to completely eliminate my headache. I went to bed quite early last night, which probably contributed to my insomnia. Little things. I think I’ll have a meal of acetaminophen.

I am not complaining, just musing with my fingers.

The sky is just beginning to show signs of light. The sound of crickets fill the morning air. Sitting outside, on the deck, the cool temperature (63º) does not feel as comfortable as I expected, thanks to the absolute stillness of the air. If I weren’t so lazy, I would go inside and flip the switch on the fan. Mi novia is sitting nearby, trying to feel better but failing; she slept very little last night, due to a nagging viral infection that refuses to go away. The doctor’s office told her to give it time. Bah! There should be drugs to completely alleviate her symptoms.

My one-finger blogging is not going anywhere. So I shall stop trying.

Today is my mother’s birthday. She has been gone for many, many years…considerably more than half my life. It seems odd that both my parents were not too many years older when they died than I am now.

Continue reading →

Prolonged periods of stress—even low-level, seemingly insignificant stress—can wear a person down to the point of catastrophic collapse. The stress can be as inconsequential as a wart on one’s toe or the annoying music drifting in—night after night—from parties on the beach, eight blocks or eight miles away. When stress goes on day after day after day, a person’s defenses against it can suddenly shatter. Some people suddenly retreat into themselves, blocking off all human contact long enough for the pressure to subside. Others explode, as if a powerful mental grenade suddenly sends shards of white-hot rage in every direction, ripping into everyone and everything in their proximity. Still others simply cope, though their coping mechanisms may be unable to adequately handle the catastrophic collapse of their mental stability. If we could accurately predict who will react how, we might be able to avert personal meltdowns and/or disasters affecting people unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity of the overly-stressed person. But we cannot, at least not with any degree of precision. We can guess, but we cannot know. The worst eruptions, such as situations in which the white-hot rage pairs with semi-automatic weapons and endless access to ammunition, often bring out the armchair quarterbacks in people who say, “I just knew he was a ticking time bomb.” If they knew, of course, they should have done…something. But what do you do when you have only an inkling that someone is capable of inflicting mass casualties on innocent bystanders…or co-workers or employers or others who the bad actor identifies as the cause of his stress? “The authorities” cannot legitimately act on a “hunch.” Perhaps the only realistic action one can take is to avoid the potential ticking bomb and to advise others to do the same. Yet that simply shifts the potential damage to more unsuspecting innocents. This is on my mind because I see so much evidence of extreme stress in people who have diametrically opposed political opinions and who fear that their philosophical opponents may overwhelm them. Even people who seem to have relatively low-level stresses could be hiding mental brittleness that could easily snap at the slightest provocation. Paranoia is everywhere. One might read what I have written and assume the writer is paranoid about the potential for stress-related rage. I would like to think that is not the case, but we cannot always understand our own levels of stress, nor how we might react if that stress becomes unmanageable. We have reason to fear everyone. 😉 Now THAT is paranoia.

+++

I woke at 3 this morning, but stayed in bed until after 5. During those two hours, I closed my eyes and attempted to sleep, but I do not think I was entirely successful. Phaedra’s yowling periodically interrupted my attempts to return to a comfortable sleep state—I slept soundly from 10 to 3, though disturbing dreams punctuated those hours of sleep. Six hours usually is enough for me, though lately I have been getting more; especially when I nap in the afternoon. I used to disdain napping. No longer. I cannot with certainty say why I once loathed the idea of napping, but I think it is related to the reason I hate waking up after sunrise; I feel like I’m missing a part of the day that could spell the difference between success and failure. Hmm. That attitude may be in need of adjustment.

+++

I have tried to make amends with someone I upset when I reacted in anger to something this person said that offended and upset me. My apology and subsequent efforts to repair the relationship failed. There was a time when I would have let that failure gnaw at me, allowing myself to think the failure was somehow my fault. But I no longer assign blame to myself for another person’s failure to forgive, especially when I have long since forgiven the behavior that triggered my reaction. I know that allowing others’ emotional shortcomings to invade my attempts at achieving serenity is wasteful. So I moved on. Yet I realize my reaction to the very offensive slight was unnecessary; I should not have let my anger shape my response. Lesson learned, I hope.

+++

Mi novia is recovering from a sore throat, caused by a virus of some sort (not flu or Covid, her doctor’s office says). Illness, even a mild illness, can disrupt one’s life for a bit. She has responded well to the disruption, though; far better than I do when I am sick. I admire her ability to take it in stride. I tend to whine, I think, and pity myself when I am ill.

+++

By now, I should have arranged to get groceries, having been away for ten days and more. But I put it off. This morning, it shall be my mission. We should eat a diet healthier than pizza and BLTs.  So, I’m off to make a grocery list.

Enjoying Ahi Tuna Tacos and Brewpub Beer at Corazὀn de Malta

Until I spent a week drinking my espresso every morning at my brother’s house in Mexico, I was satisfied with my French roast coffee. This morning, the difference between the two is so obvious and the flavor of the espresso is so enormously better, I do not know whether I will ever again be satisfied with my comparatively weak French roast. Vacations are fine, but they can expose us to circumstances that cannot be satisfactorily replicated in the “real world.” The incredibly lush, brilliantly colorful, vibrant flora on the terrace is stunning. Enormous volumes of lemons, limes, and kumquats hang from trees all around the house. Stalks of bananas, which must weigh fifty pounds or more, put a strain on their parent trees. Morning breakfasts of fresh papaya, cantaloupe, mango, and watermelon  suggest this place is, indeed, paradise. And the much cooler, more comfortable, and far less humid weather is far better suited to my body than the intense heat and fierce humidity of the Arkansas summer. The absence of chiggers around Lake Chapala is a gift of enormous proportions. (But the tiny bo-bos that fly in enormous swarms, even though they do not bite, are annoying in the extreme and mosquitos seem to have taken up residence in areas previously mosquito-free.) Everyplace has its negatives, of course. But the positives outweigh negatives in so very many ways. Already, I miss my morning espresso on the terrace. And I miss having drinks on the terrace in the evening. And the brew-pub quite close by, Corazón de Malta, could easily become a place I might hang out every afternoon, after a delightful lunch. Ach… Well, my brother and his wife have extended an open invitation to us to visit whenever we like; I will have to control my urge to make a monthly habit of invading their home.

+++

So much has happened in the last ten days. One day soon I will make a record of our joys and sorrows during that period. But for now, we are back home, where we will have to adjust to the world around us. Friends, I hope, will help in that endeavor.

+++

I have to immerse myself back into daily life—but slowly—so I can adjust to a different pace and a radically different environment. I fully understand why people retire to the areas around Lake Chapala. In spite of the challenges of sometimes unreliable electricity or internet and regardless of the need to adjust one’s expectations, the place emphasizes how a slower pace and a less intense approach to day-to-day living can leave one soaked in happiness. Acceptance, tolerance, and appreciation of the vagaries of life are among the results of being in such a delightful place.

+++

Already 8:30 here in Hot Springs Village. I will spend the day at home. Mi novia will visit her doctor’s office in the hope of getting relief from a new sore throat; fortunately, it happened after getting home, though a sore throat is never good fortune. I think I may need more sleep to adapt to the faster pace of life here.  But not yet. Napping should be reserved for the afternoon, unless one opts for a nap at any other time of day. Where is home? Home, I think, is where one feels most comfortable.

A high-speed taxi in the early morning darkness of a large, frenzied city waking as if fueled by high-test caffeine is a scary place to be. The car’s destination, an airport jammed with agitated pre-dawn travelers, shreds serenity with the sharp claws of urgency; checking bags, securing paper boarding passes in case the phone app jams, trudging—shoeless—through security checkpoints, chaotic clots of people wanting fast-serve breakfast, despite its astronomic prices. The frenzy doesn’t stop there. When the plane boards, assuming it does, thoughts will turn to the tight connection to the next flight. High anxiety is the price of air travel. High, high, high anxiety.

When we reach the destination, an agenda to complete and distribute, an article to write, a cat to retrieve from boarding, clothes to wash. The price of a week in a peaceful paradise and a weekend of gathering and bittersweet recollections.

+++

Three nights in a spectacularly comfortable motel bed softened the experience. I want that bed.

Recent days have taught me more than I might want to know, but any knowledge—welcome or not—is fuel for both intellectual and emotional development. When I have time to process what I have recently learned, I will make an effort to document the lessons learned. In the meantime, I will attempt to understand what has taken place in the sea of thought in which I swim.

+++

As I sat at a boarding gate in the Guadalajara airport recently, I watched a patchwork of people waiting to travel. Young, old, and in between, each had unique reasons to fly. The mixture of languages they spoke—mostly Spanish with an assortment of English, Croation, Dutch, and various others—blurred into an unintelligible hum. Yet that cacophony was precise in its meaning: the unintelligible noise was the expression of thoughts that mattered to them.

Several hours later, in the darkness of a confusing San Antonio night,  the abrupt, jarring stop of a rented automobile as it slammed into a concrete curb—unleashed fear, anger, embarrassment, and a thousand regrets. The rubber of the destroyed tire and the metal of the undercarriage grated against the pavement as I manuevered the car to the parking lot next door—the intended, but obviously missed, target. The next morning, my rage at myself tempered just a bit, I allowed happiness to drown some of the sorrow as a gathering of family began to unfold. The reality that none of us are are ever fully in control began to sink in, as I learned of others’ unavoidable obstacles that prevented well-laid plans from unfolding as expected.

+++

When new expectations took an unexpected twist, the intersection of joy and sadness revealed, again, the impossibility of real control over events, time, and context. The world will turn as it will, regardless of plans…which always fail to take into account the randomness that intercedes on behalf of chaos. But chaos is not bad, only unpredictable. Some chaotic circumstances hide beauty beneath a translucent veil. The rest of these chaotic circumstances have yet to play out. Until then, we keep planning and forging ahead, hoping for the best, which sometimes comes and sometimes redefine goodness and sorrow.

+++

If the universe cooperates, I will continue to document our experiences, in due time, but in more coherent fashion. I have my reasons for overlaying experience with a thick blanket of confusion; confusion has been a guiding principle for awhile.

+++

Today is Sunday. At least that’s what we call it. For now.

Powerful reasons exist for vacations lasting at least two weeks. Fourteen days, at a minimum, are necessary to sufficiently clear one’s head to enable recovery from even the modest pressures of the daily grind. Limiting vacations to less than two weeks is like stopping a two-month course of chemotherapy after 28 days; the benefits achieved may be beneficial in the short term,  but inadequate to conquer the disease.

+++

The sounds of a bubbling fountain can soothe the mind. Rain on the roof, wind in the trees, and the gentle notes of a wind chime can do the same. Meditation, perhaps, is a purposeful means of accomplishing the same result. The object, the aim, is to become familiar with serenity…to feel the calmness that accompanies that familiarity. But then, suddenly, a barking dog insists that serenity is an illusion, a retreat from reality. Yet a dog’s expression of angst provides the contrast necessary to understand the nature of serenity. An exploding fire-cracker, the sounds of construction machinery, and a million other noises or vibrations can do the same. If we consider them in that context, we may come to appreciate them for the lessons they teach. Maybe.

+++

Our bodies were never meant to last a thousand years. Actually, there is no meaning…not legitimate, anyway…inherent in the time our bodies survive the cycles of life. What is, is. That is hard for many people to accept. That is too bad; coming to grips with the concept that all life is fundamentally meaningless is helpful when faced with the pain of meaningless…or senseless…loss.

+++

Happiness and sadness are woven into the fabric of life. The fabric looks and feels differently, depending on the looseness of the weave, the threads used, and the kind of loom emplyed in the process.

+++

I write drivel, sometimes, just to explore how my brain functions. Other times, the drivel is a natural byproduct of what’s up there in that cloudy grey matter.

Across the wide lake, the homes and businesses are almost too far away to see. But they are there. Barely visible, the places where people live and work exist in secret…oh, they do not intentionally hide their day-by-day existence, but distance conceals details that might offer clues to the lives of strangers. Distance is not the only veil. The houses up the street or even next door are full of secrets. What do the occupants do to make a living? Are they retired? Are they key members of a violent cartel, hiding in plain sight under the cover of legitimate businesses? We know almost nothing of the strangers across the lake. We know little more of next door neighbors. They could be retired instruments of foreign governments, having set aside espionage in favor of gardening and book clubs and meeting with other retirees, once a week, for coffee. But those people across the lake…or across national borders or across oceans…we rarely give them a thought. We know nothing of their personal challenges…their poverty or the diseases that wreck their lives and stress their friends and families to the breaking point. If we think about their lives, realizing they are just people like us, condemned to the rules of the societies in which they live, perhaps we will become more compassionate, despite our inability to influence the way the world treats them. Do any of those people think of us in the same way? Does their compassion extend to us? We can answer by looking within.

Art can be spectacularly beautiful, but even the most skilled, talented, visionary artist who specializes in realism cannot replicate the beauty of nature. Slivers of orange and pink and silver and grey woven among cottony white billows in the sky are not static. They transform as slowly as time and just as quickly. Watching the shapes in the sky morph from crisp, immaculately defined images into shadows that hide the secrets above them is a mesmerizing experience.

+++

Lush. Verdant. Brilliantly colorful. Words are inadequate to describe what the eyes behold. Watching the day unfold is a pleasure that makes me immensely grateful for my eyesight.

+++

Permitting oneself to appreciate the gifts of living is a far greater pleasure than refining complaints into sharp daggers of disappointment.

+++

So many secrets to share with someone willing to be amazed by the complex simplicity of raw, incomplete perfection…even with its flaws and the cracks in its deep, deep veneer.

+++

I don’t want to call myself a perfectionist because perfection is imperfection.

~ Ne-Yo ~

Cryptic messages filter through my mind, challenging me to interpret them. Every interpretation is right, but only in certain situations. If I wish the interpretations to be valid, I must insert myself into the correspondingly correct situations. This process is like a life-puzzle, complete with hourglass timer that cannot run out before the puzzle is solved, lest the game be eternally lost. Frightening, but untrue, of course. Games are the work of the devil, I sometimes think, except I do not believe in such nonsense as devils and their ilk. But I believe in bats. I matched wits with a bat last night. I finally won, but I wonder…does the bat feel the same? It is free now, after all, but so am I. Perhaps the game ended in a happy draw. You may think I am crazy, but so are you. We belong to the same tribe, bat enthusiasts and believers in the power of the embrace, the solution to every difficulty confronting us. Monday. The bells ring in the day and urge me to stop my one-finger diatribe. I consent to the request.

Paradise has different meanings for different people. For some, slot machines and the never-ending shrieks of the newly wealthy constitutes paradise. For others, it is white sand beaches littered with bikini-clad women. Others find paradise in ski resorts covered in new powder, with cozy, fire-warmed lodges providing refuge from the cold. Paradise has as many meanings as there are people who dream of it. For me, paradise is contextual, depending on my moods, the circumstances in which I find myself, and the people in my emotional sphere. A cool, lush, semi-tropical environment with a private refuge in which I can relax, unwind, and forget the rest of the world might be paradise–in the company of people I love…that can be paradise for me. Good wine, strong espresso, an occasional shot of mescal, fresh fruit, and excellent food amplify the sense of paradise in that setting. Beautiful flowers, colorful birds that sing songs I have not heard in a long time…the elements of paradise join together to define that special experience.

+++

Today is Sunday. A cool morning promises a beautiful day. Beauty can exist when skies are clear, when clouds and rain blot out most of the sun’s light, and every other meteorological state. Life is good when one sits at the doorstep of paradise.

+++

Onward to capture the magic of paradise.

Forgiveness struggles to survive in an environment in which anger is more highly valued than understanding.  Still, it survives, even growing stronger. Anger, though, withers into rancid dust, eventually lost to the winds of time.

+++

November 18. 2023 will mark the 140th anniversary of time zones in the U.S. Before that date in 1883, there were roughly 144 local time zones in the USA. Even today, though, universal agreement about time eludes us.

+++

Enough for now.

My foray into good news this morning led me, first, to a story of a 15-year-old lion returned to his natural habitat after being abandoned in a private zoo in Armenia for five years.  I then read about a way to reuse decommissioned wind turbine blades, rather than incinerating them or putting them in a landfill. From there, I renewed my long-lost acquaintance with the concept of brocken spectres, thanks to a fascinating article about a UK photo contest. As I explored brocken spectres, I wandered off to explore glories. My wandering did not end there, but I’ll leave the rest to another time when I have no demands on my time. This kind of exercise is akin to a treasure hunt in which each find leads to another search for yet another find. It feeds my need to accommodate my occasionally VERY short attention span—I get bored or disillusioned easily. But when I enter a rabbit warren with so many interconnected passages and rooms and options to follow, I can get lost for hours, exploring topics that are completely or only tangentially unrelated. The result? Temporary enthusiasm about information that has little or no practical value to me, but that causes interest and excitement for a time. I’ll probably check in with the largely negative news  services in a while, but for now I am satisfied to start the morning on an upbeat note.

+++

The upbeat mood does not diminish yet, even though I just learned that a prolific writer of mysteries—a man who encouraged others to write—and who matter-of-factly proclaimed his atheism to me when I first attended the Unitarian Universalist Village Church, has died. John Achor retired at the rank of Lt. Colonel after twenty years as an Air Force pilot, accumulating more than 4,000 flying hours. I knew John for only a few years, but I grew to like and admire him soon after we met. After he and his wife moved to Nebraska, we kept in touch occasionally. I followed his writing of mystery novels, including One Two Kill a Few, Three Four Kill Some More, Five Six Deadly Mix, Assault on the President, and Assault on Reason. There were more, I think. RIP, John Achor. John was 89. He lived a long and interesting life.

+++

A recent accidental discovery sparked my interest in an utterly useless pursuit—making huge soap bubbles. I watched a video of a teacher showing his students how to make enormous soap bubbles, using sticks and string dipped into very soapy water. The teacher and his students created what I call bubble-launching devices that, when held up on a windy day, caused monstrous soap bubbles to form. Some of the bubbles broke free of their launching devices, giant bubbles three times the size of the people creating them, sailing into the air. It is child’s play. I would rather play with sticks and strings and bubbles than toy guns. In fact, I’d rather do that than a lot of other things. When we return from our upcoming travels, I might give it a try. But I may have to wait until Spring, which I consider the best season to make giant bubbles and marvel at their size.

+++

Depending on a variety of factors, I may take a fairly lengthy—several-days-long—break from this blog during an upcoming trip. Or I may not. Time will tell, as it always does.

+++

Hmm. Seems I forgot to post this after I wrote that last bit. It’s a minute after 7 now, time for my shower and shave.