Two Hundred Sixty-Three

The degree of success I enjoyed, relative to other people my age, once mattered to me. I used an external measure, a standard against which I might compare favorably or unfavorably; the variance, positive or negative, was my yardstick. In hindsight, that was such a dangerous thing to have done. I risked my happiness by looking outward at people who, very probably, were doing the very same thing I was doing. None of us even knew what success was, either. It might have been money, prestige, security; but it was none of those things. Success, for me, means being content in the moment, able to keep worries and insecurities about the future at bay.  That’s what it means at this very moment. And, at this instant, I feel absolutely successful.

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An Artistic Community

Last night, my favorite wife and her favorite sister and I drove into Hot Springs to hear a presentation about the structure, style, and components of jazz. The event was held at the Fine Arts Center of Hot Springs (626 Central Avenue). Jay Payette gave a truly interesting and informative presentation. I wish he would teach a class on jazz so I could attend and learn more about the genre. He is extremely knowledgeable, but not pedantic; he knows whereof he speaks and makes a complex subject interesting and easy to digest—what a gift!

Though we were offered a nice selection of hors d’oeuvres and wine and beer, I grousingly did not partake of the latter, thanks to my wife’s insistence that I adhere to the South Beach Diet until I become the tall, svelte man she had hoped to marry. I did make note of the generosity of the hosts, though, so when the diet is history, I can take modest advantage of the offerings.

Following his presentation, the Jay Payette trio (Jay on drums, Chris Parker on keyboards, and David Higginbotham on bass) played some wonderful jazz pieces, including: Kind of Blue, Miles Davis; I Could Write a Book, Miles Davis; Midnight Sun, Lionel Hampton (words later written by Johnny Mercer), and a boatload of others. It was really an enjoyable evening.

I learned of the event (called 3rd Fridays at FAC) at Wednesday Night Poetry earlier in the week, when the Executive Director of the Center, Donna Dunnahoe, made an announcement about it. Last night, I learned that Bud Kenney will be on stage at next month’s event; Bud, the founder of Wednesday Night Poetry, will read from his new book, Footloose in America…

The following month, Peter Lawrence, a singer-songwriter I saw at Wednesday Night Poetry a few weeks ago, will be on stage.

These types of events reinforce my feeling that moving to the Hot Springs area was the right thing for us. At the moment, I’m feeling pretty damn fortunate to live where I do.

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Old Newspaper Clippings

Old newspaper clippings, even those clipped by someone else for reasons unrelated to one’s own experiences, can trigger memories. Well, memories may be the wrong word. Longings may better describe it, though even that’s not quite right. It’s more like a desire to know something that’s missing, something unknowable, something that could have been known had circumstances been different.

A few weeks ago, on a whim, I decided to see what the internet had to say about my mother. She died before the internet came into its own as the source of all knowledge, so I didn’t expect to find anything; I had looked before and came up empty. But this time, I had a few hits, newspaper articles from before I was born. Even the brief, incomplete sketches drawn from those articles gave me a glimpse into the woman who, just a few short years later, would become the center of my life for months and years to come.

She was a woman of the church. I never knew whether that was because it was expected, or because she was a true adherent; perhaps an older sibling or two has a better understanding than I. She was a politically aware person who took education, including community education, seriously. She grieved when friends died.

I knew her as a devoted English teacher who, over the years, tired of the politics of the schoolroom and the principal’s office.  I recall her as a woman who watched in disappointment and anger as the classroom became more and more chaotic and teachers became less and less trusted to educate and, instead, were expected to babysit without ruffling feathers.

I shared very few of my adult years with my mother. She died when I was thirty-three years old, at a time when I spent so much of my time devoted to “making my mark” that I had very little time left to kindle an adult relationship with her.  I had moved from Houston to Chicago less than a year before she died and had not yet returned for the visit I kept promising her.

How might my life have been different if my mother had not died when I was still so young? I won’t know the answer to that question; it’s a pointless question, really, as so many we ask are. But, still, it bobs to the top of mind when I think back on the few things I knew about her and the many things I never did.

These are those short, innocuous clippings that set my mind on a path with no known destination and no known route back to where it started:

March 1, 1949, from the Brownsville Herald

The Wesleyan Service Guild of the First Methodist Church meets at the home of Mrs. J. C. Swinburn, 1307 W. St. Charles. The lesson, ”Hawaii and Its People,” will be under the direction of Mrs. L. G. Mathews.

November 26, 1950, from the Brownsville Herald

Mrs. J. C. Swinburn will be guest speaker at the First Methodist Church at 6:45 p.m. Sunday in the fifth of a series of six family night programs. The local teacher will speak on “Education in Our Community From the Standpoint of the Church Woman.” She will use as source material the information included in the League of Women Voter’s “Know Your Town” pamphlet. Mrs. Swinburn served as resource chairman in the preparation of this publication.

January 15, 1950, from the Brownsville Herald

Among those from Brownsville attending the O. E. Stuart funeral in Harlingen Thursday were Mr. and Mrs. J. C. Swinburn, Mrs. J. G. Philen, Jr., E. M. Bremer, and R. G. Ransome.

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Two Hundred Sixty-Two

I’ve filled the hummingbird feeders four times in the last two days. Each time, I dissolve a cup of sugar in a quart of water and fill the feeders. In no time, those thirsty birds suck up the nectar, the frenzy of their appetite evident in their frenetic flurries and territorial fights that, ultimately, cede space based on passion and aggression. They are tiny, angry people on uppers, people with wings.

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Fulcrum

Fulcrum gazed at the bathroom mirror, marked with water spots and bits of toothpaste flung from his mouth during yesterday’s energetic attempts to brush away the taste of the previous night’s experiment with bourbon and sloe gin.  He stood staring at his reflection, illuminated by an ancient fluorescent tube, whose ballast was crackling and humming. Fulcrum hoped it would last a while longer, just long enough to finish his morning routine. Studying the thin, patchy salt and pepper stubble on his face and searching his brown blood-shot eyes intently for signs of light, he coughed and snarled at his countenance in the glass.

Words that eluded him last night, when he was trying to write the opening paragraph—before the drinking began—finally began filling his head:

There are days you wake up and wish you hadn’t, days that reveal the ugliness that resides where you wish it didn’t.  The bright days fight valiantly against those ugly ones, but  they rarely win.  Some days, the loser wins big.  Some days, the one who should be a winner is beaten senseless, torn apart and left critically wounded on a busy downtown street. 

Though pessimistic and self-prosecutorial to the point of insanity, Fulcrum believed himself to be a writer. Or, at least, he believed he was as capable of writing as he was of doing anything else he had ever done. That seed of belief in himself, a malnourished as it was, had always tipped the scale in favor of living. But this time, the idea of suicide felt different. It felt inescapable, as if taking his own life was as natural as breathing and just as hard to stop without a brutal battle he was destined, ultimately, to lose.

[This keeps popping up on my ‘to be massaged and used someplace’ list, though I don’t know where I’ll use it. Maybe my upcoming writers’ retreat, wherein I will be expected to write,  incessantly, for three days will kick-start this and other stuff I’ve been allowing to languish. I have all these unfinished and unplaced scenes that need homes. That’s the issue; I’ve been doing interior decorating for far too long, failing to recognize that I must first build the damn house.]

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Two Hundred Sixty-One

It’s so damn easy for me to get distracted and, in so doing, to absent-mindedly behave in a way that causes other people to feel I am ignoring them or their feelings. Or, perhaps, the perception is simply that I lack empathy. I understand that. I was on the receiving end of that distraction recently and I felt ignored, as if my emotional discomfort was of no concern to someone who, in hindsight, I feel sure intended nothing of the sort. But my “receiving end” experience was a lesson to me: pay attention to your surroundings, especially the people who might be depending on you for acknowledgement or comfort.

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Illegal Smile

Bottom line, I probably would not turn down an offer of marijuana in the proper circumstances. Yeah, I know. It’s illegal.

That notwithstanding, I wonder where I might get my hands on some? It’s been a long, long time since I’ve partaken of the evil weed. The two or three occasions are in the distant past, mostly in the throes of neglectful and negligent youth, failing to deeply absorb and appreciate the experience. Now, I wonder what it would be like to experience it in the present, with a conscious mind going into it. Polishing the pot in the throes of geezerhood, as it were.

In my view, treating marijuana as an illegal drug is absurd. Nuts. Crazy. Ill-informed. I’ve heard rumors that a guy who used to live in my neighborhood grew his own for pain control purposes.  But he died. (Ach! Was it cannabis poisoning?!) So, NOW where does one go for a sample?

I have absolutely no interest in going to jail, of course. I don’t want to deal in the stuff, you understand, I just want a tiny sample. Hmm, I suspect geezerhood is not the best time of life to start looking to score, you know?

My wife would be deeply unhappy to read that I’m coming dangerously close to soliciting, online. So, be a lamb (as a good friend is apt to say) and don’t tell her.

Ah, I see. Road trip to Colorado. Uh huh. Oregon? Yep. I see. I do enjoy a road trip. I think I might really enjoy a road trip. I remember John Prine’s tune, Illegal Smile. I think I might enjoy an illegal smile.

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NOTICE TO ANY DEA OR POLICE OFFICER READING THIS: I WRITE FICTION. FICTION, I SAY. ASK ANYONE WHO READS WHAT I WRITE. THEY WILL VERIFY MY ASSERTION.

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Two Hundred Sixty

Fight if you feel you must, but understand that battles have consequences, some of which are unintended. Before you enter the fray, weigh the potential for success and failure and consider what those outcomes really mean.

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Two Hundred Fifty-Nine

Lethargy and comfort are to blame, I think. They’re the reasons more of us don’t immerse ourselves in other cultures, if only for a little while, to experience the world from a different angle, a perspective impossible to embrace without effort and risk. We are too comfortable with the tapioca of our lives to allow ourselves to discover the joy of salsa and sushi and smoked salmon on the beach after an early morning run. Some days, we want to shatter the synthetic plastic mask surrounding us. But we lack the energy and the willingness to expose ourselves to the chills or the flashes of heat that might await.

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Misfiring September Synapses

If I were a psychologist, trained in the causes and effects of socio-neural stimulus-response, I might know why so many things happen. I might understand why people’s eyes brim with tears as they remember both horror and beauty. I could possess an intellectual understanding of the attachment between mothers and their babies, fathers and mothers, children and their parents. The rage that manifests itself as murder might be readily explained, had I a well-grounded understanding of psychology.

But, then, I often wonder, is an understanding of cause and effect truly something to seek out? Is mystery—the absence of understanding—a bad thing? Does knowledge always equate to truth? Is there always light awaiting us at that magical moment of enlightenment?

I may not need to go looking, anyway. Bad things are the result of fear and randomness. Fear underlies even the most ghastly behaviors, from murder to bullying to white-collar crime of epic proportions. And good things? I’m musing on it.

 

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Two Hundred Fifty-Eight

I sometimes wonder, when I wake up, what other people are wondering when they wake up. And then I wonder whether they wonder what others are wondering. If they do, we should get together for some sort of reunion.

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Taking Notice

Some days as I amble through my life, I notice people quietly and anonymously doing nice things that deserve appreciation. Things like flipping a mailbox closed to prevent rain from wetting the contents; picking up a home-delivery newspaper from a driveway and flinging it to a front porch; moving a grocery cart in a parking lot to open up a parking space; or picking up a piece of litter off the post office floor.

Those things merit appreciation not because they are significant or impressive in their scope; they are not.  The people and their inconsequential acts warrant gratitude precisely because the deeds are small and almost meaningless and, perhaps most of all, because they are unexpected and the people performing them do not even know they are noticed. It would be absurd to suggest that people who behave in such a way are good people merely for those simple deeds, but I am inclined to think favorably about them until given a reason to do otherwise.

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Two Hundred Fifty-Seven

The likelihood that I will be called out as a fashion plate is less than slim. I’m comfortable with that, just as I’m comfortable in my unfashionable clothes. I have friends who would shudder if they were forced to wear my over-the-top-comfortable clothes, because they place greater value on appearance than I do. But it’s not just that; they’re just more comfortable with a pair of slacks and a nicely pressed shirt (or whatever) than they would be in my clean but rumpled shirt and shorts and flip-flops (or tennis shoes, for more formal affairs). And that’s fine; if they’re happy, I’m happy. Of course, I hope they are happy with my extreme casual style.

All of the aforementioned notwithstanding, on rare occasion I rather enjoy “dressing up.” There’s something about stylish casual clothes on the upper end of casual, just shy of formal, that I find appealing once in a very long while. And by long while, I’m talking annually or every other year, maybe once every three years.

The hypocrisy in this, of course, is that I find well-dressed people more attractive than people who dress the way I do. Then again, I’m not looking to be attractive to them, so I suppose it’s all right, after all.

Some mornings, I ruminate about such mundane things, don’t I?

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Poetry

Next Wednesday night, I’ll again go on stage as “feature poet” at Hot Springs’ Wednesday Night Poetry. The first time I did my gig, it was held at Maxine’s, a bar and music venue. Since then, the organizers of Wednesday Night Poetry have moved to Kollective Coffee.  Wednesday Night Poetry has been held every single Wednesday for something like 1375 consecutive weeks; that’s more than twenty-six years, without missing a single night, regardless of circumstances.

I’ve attended Wednesday Night Poetry only a half-dozen times since I moved to Arkansas. I enjoy it, but it’s a bit of a drive and I am not a fan of night driving; my as-yet-uncorrected left eye is not a fan of night driving. I’m flattered to have been invited back, but I don’t yet really feel part of the poetry community. That’s because I really am an outsider. That, and I’m not a poet in the same sense as many regulars are; they live and breathe poetry, while I simply use it as a needed outlet from time to time.

This time, I’ve been asked if I would be willing to go on a new local radio station after the set is over (actually, an hour after the program ends, which would have me going on the radio program at around 10:00 pm). I don’t know much about what would be expected of me; I imagine I’d be asked to read, though it might involve being interviewed. Though I’m intrigued by it, I’m a little cautious, too. I suppose I’ll just wait to see what I can see.

I’ve tentatively decided on the poems I’ll read, though if it’s like last time, I’ll shift gears up to and including the time I’m on. The list I’ve selected is a mix of old and new poems, with a few of the older ones modified a bit since last time around.  Most are relatively short poems, though “Intersection” is a long one I read last time.  The list is a mish-mash of emotional levels, from dark to whimsical.

  • Circles on a Train
  • Seductions
  • Mint and Lamb
  • Stripper Pole
  • Intersection
  • Better Whiskers
  • The Road
  • Strangers Who Would be Friends
  • Relics
  • Mythic Meals
  • Star Dust

Having heard some truly excellent poets during WNP during the few times I’ve been, I feel very much like an amateur. And, in fact, I am. And I always will be. I suppose you have to expect a few amateurs on stage from time to time if you’re going to commit to a weekly poetry program. It will be interesting to see the audience this time around. I suspect it will be very small. I think the cadre of regulars tends to be very small, with fill-in when someone of note is on stage. This Wednesday, there’s no one of note on stage. I hope the regulars show; it would be a little disconcerting to read only to the host and the baristas, though it might be a little less intimidating.

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Two Hundred Fifty-Six

In recent years, I have come to realize that my lifelong disdain for religion has never been particularly helpful to anyone, including myself. While I do not believe in a deity of any sort, nor do I believe in supernatural auras and karma nor the thousand other proxies for a supreme being, I believe the universe is a wondrously heterogeneous place, with room for perspectives as diverse as this place in which we live. So long as those perspectives do no harm, I have no objection to them. Therein lies the rub. It’s not so much the beliefs I abhor, it’s the practices of the believers. I honestly believe that most religions have, at their core, foundations inspired by goodness.

Yesterday, I had occasion to read different versions of mealtime “grace” as practiced by different religious and non-religious groups. The principal difference between them was in whether they recognized a deity; otherwise, they all expressed appreciation for the earth, the bounties they enjoy, the people around them, and the goodness of the earth. Stripped of their religious robes, their messages were beautiful thoughts even the most devout atheist would accept and appreciate.

Would that we could, as humans, focus on the message instead of the method of getting to it.

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Musings on Meat and Much More

I read a post on Quora a few weeks ago that got me questioning, again, about how many of us humans came to such ambivalence about food.  Why, for example, are so many of us happy carnivores when the food on the table is a big beef steak, but we turn away in horror and disgust if the meal consists of the cooked corpse of a cat or a dog? I know; some cultures do not behave the way Americans do. Cats and dogs are perfectly acceptable foods in those cultures.  I think, though, some of those cultures have issues with eating cows and goats and sheep.

But,  back to the U.S. Why is it all right to butcher and consume the flesh of a pig, yet we recoil in horror at the idea of killing and eating a horse? And we seem to have no heartburn about eating chicken, but the idea of eating guinea pig is an affront to our sensitivities, notwithstanding our knowledge that many Peruvians, Ecuadorians, and Colombians do it regularly.

In the past, I’ve read all sorts of explanations for our neurotic dietary practices, but this morning I conclude that it’s purely a matter of our minds playing tricks on us, after having been taught to do exactly that.

We deftly overlook the fact that all of these objects of our dining desires were once living, breathing creatures. If we divorce ourselves from our cultural and species-specific  narcissism for a moment, our carnivorous propensities seem more than a  little like murder, just barely removed from cannibalism.

I have never been involved in the earliest stages of the process whereby our carnivorous culinary desires are fulfilled. Had I been involved in raising, and then slaughtering, cows and pigs and chickens and goats, I might be steeled to the shock of the process. I suspect, in a different culture, I might be equally capable of dealing with the killing and field dressing of guinea pigs. Deer hunters are able to overlook the fact that they have just assassinated a doe or buck, so I don’t know why I should find it hard to understand  that hunting and killing horses and cats and dogs, then skinning and butchering them, should be any different. But we know there is a difference, don’t we? We know we learn, from an early age, that killing and eating some animals is acceptable, while killing and eating others are despicable acts, acts tantamount to animal cruelty or, worse, murder.

If I were to allow myself sufficient time to muse on and really contemplate all the steps involved in having my omnivorous desires met, I suspect my consumption of meat would decline precipitously. Imagine, if you will, a pre-meal contemplation of the final breaths of the animal on my plate and the fear that might have accompanied those last moments of life. The carnivorous component of my omnivorousness might diminish dramatically.

But, then, I recall a few years ago reading about (and having the breath knocked out of me in the process) scientific explorations that suggested plants respond to certain stimuli  (e.g., having leaves cut or roots ripped from the ground) in the same way that animals experience pain.  I suspect that the more emotional distance we perceive between the food on our plate and ourselves, the more we permit ourselves to forget or ignore the consequences of our hunger, not to ourselves, but to the object of our consumption.

I feel certain some people might read what I have written and say it is just so much nonsense, the words of someone who felt compelled to write about something, yet had nothing important to write about. I wish those people would force themselves to think more deeply about the subject; not to change their eating habits, only to open their eyes.

Some cultures offer homages or prayers before meals to the animals and plants that died so that humans could eat. Those expressions of sentiment do nothing for the creatures who died , but they might give humans a degree of humility in acknowledging that other creatures sacrificed on their behalf. Knowing the sacrifices that are made to bring food to the table, perhaps a parallel commitment to minimize the pain and suffering involved in the process might be in order. And, I suppose, acknowledgement of all the other people who contributed to the meal might help us appreciate just what was involved in getting food to our plates: the farmers, the people who harvested the crops, the animals, the truck drivers, the butchers, the grocers; the list goes on and on.

For everything we eat, something dies. Someone works to produce the food, to get it to us, to prepare it, to deliver it to the plate.  If nothing else, I believe we ought to really think about that with every meal. Perhaps, if we were more conscious of what we eat and what was involved in getting food in our mouths, obesity might be less of an epidemic.

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Two Hundred Fifty-Five

I am living proof that a person can learn simply by remembering, and searching for insights in those memories. Concepts, which in our arrogance we thought we knew to be truths, become harsh lessons in humility and appreciation in retrospect. Old facts become fictions when examined through the prism of history; trite aphorisms become indisputable honesty under the lens of experience.

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Unexpected Interests

My recent research into first-year anatomy class in medical school—followed by my unnecessary readings about human anatomy, medical school program formats, and the like—has persuaded me I could have successfully pursued a career in medicine. I would have had to change some of my early-adulthood study practices, overcome my allergy to mathematics and chemistry, and sworn off my early college habit of binge-drinking; but had I done those things, I am confident I could have done what must be done to become a doctor.  A successful one, at that.

The research (and the pursuit of interesting but unnecessary related information) came about as a result of a short story I wrote. It was far too short to be submitted for publication and it was not sufficiently meaty to warrant a second look. It had the bones I was looking for, I think, so I opted to pursue it. I’m taking a sabbatical from researching and writing it, but I expect to return to it.

But, the thing is, in doing the necessary and unnecessary research for the story, I discovered how absolutely fascinating human anatomy and medicine are to me. Who knew?  I did, once, but I forgot. Now I know again.

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Two Hundred Fifty-Four

Several months ago, I wrote on my blog about a Japanese word (komorebi) that means sunlight filtering through tree leaves. I coined a wholly unsuitable neologism that would get at the theme, but would not be restricted to sunlight filtering through leaves. I said I would use komoshadow to describe the “dim, non-illuminated areas on a wall next to the sunlight coming through a window.” I have not used the word since. That’s because the word is, as I just said, wholly unsuitable. Well, maybe dappleture would work. As in, “The dappleture on the wall beyond the kitchen sink was a photographic negative of a fir tree just outside the window.”  I’m not sure that works, either.  Your thoughts?

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Just Past the Point

A writer, speaking at a conference I attended, suggested interviewing key characters when it’s tough to decide on the direction one’s writing should take.

So, I asked a character for an interview. He turned me down. I asked again. Same result. Later, he called the police and filed a harassment complaint against me.

I wrote about the incident, thinking my problem solved. He sued me for libel. Acting on the advice of another writer, I killed the offensive character.

I may be just past the point of logic and believability.

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Two Hundred Fifty-Three

Some days, I can amuse myself for hours simply by imagining conversations with high-profile political figures who I’ve kidnapped and locked in my basement.

 

 

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Two Hundred Fifty-Two

Perseverance is key to attainment, whatever the hard-sought aim. Whether carving a face in the side of a granite mountain, writing an emotionally draining novel, or crafting a new outlook on life, success is the reward for persistence. But that’s not always the case, is it? Even so, trying and failing bruises the ego less fiercely than failing without ever having tried.

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A Little Ugliness

Just a couple of weeks ago, during my annual physical, I told my doctor my Crohn’s disease has been in remission for a number of years, with only a very rare flare-up. Yesterday, that very rare flare-up occurred; at least I assume that’s what it is.

My gut has been hurting like the devil (off and on) since yesterday morning. I hoped it would be a mild flare and that I could go about my regular business as normal, albeit uncomfortably. After a couple of hours in the pottery studio, it was obvious that was not to be. So, I spent much of the day, from before noon until around five o’clock, in bed, wishing for sleep that never came. Then, I got up for a while, watched television, worked on the computer, and otherwise puttered until about 8:30. I tried bed again. No luck.

I’ve been getting up every half hour or so, waves of gut pain jarring me out of my attempts to sleep. It’s now after 1:30; I’m going to try again. I suspect this post, and the quick rumination that follows, will be it for the day. I do so hope I can sleep, if just a few hours.

 

 

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Garcia

The Greyhound bus slowed and the driver coasted toward the intersection.  Finally the diesel-belching beast came to a halt. The driver, a guy I’d swear must have been pushing eighty, pressed a button and the door swung open with a loud ‘swoosh’ “This is your stop, pal,” he said.

Newly-plowed fields stretched for miles in every direction. Flat, stark, featureless land all around. No fences, no trees, no rock outcroppings. Nothing.

The sky echoed the camel color of the freshly turned soil. Two two-lane highways crossing one another at a four-way stop sign, miles from any hint of civilization.

I asked myself What the hell am I doing here? as the bus disappeared in the shimmering heat rising from the distant roadway.  The answer came just moments later in the form of loud ranchera music coming from the direction of the disappeared bus.

I squinted to see where the music was coming from. A bicycle and lone rider slowly came into view. It was Garcia.

Garcia owned that part of South Texas. When I say “owned,” I don’t mean it in the literal sense. Yet he really did. No one would dare challenge his right to even a square inch of land down there. It wasn’t his, but it was. He was the only one who could control it. I mean, he was the guy Greyhound asked about a stop. A stop in the middle of nowhere. Even Greyhound knew he was the only one with an answer.

When he finally got to me, he swung his leg over the center bar of the bike and flicked the kickstand. The bicycle ignored his efforts at decorum and fell to the ground, its left pedal stabbing the ground as the front wheel spun freely.

“Amigo!” He lunged toward me with outstretched arms. “You really did it!  You came to visit me, man! I can’t even believe it!”

His scent, a mixture of charred poblano peppers and smoked meat, preceded him. The odor took me back to the previous summer, when I spent time in the decrepit hut he pretended was a house, where he roasted peppers in a makeshift broiler oven made of bricks and clay and oyster shells.

Garcia’s embrace was powerful. I remember the first time he hugged me I was stunned at his grip. For a small man, five foot five I’d guess, his strength was almost frightening. But he was gentle, too. His hug was like that of a bear cradling her cubs; you fear for their safety, but you know her instinct will protect them from her own savage power.

I had learned a few words of Spanish from him during our time together the year before, but he knew language was not my strength, so he didn’t push it. Still, I felt embarrassed to be monolingual in an area in which Hispanic history was such as thick component of the cultural stew. Damn near everyone in that part of the Valley was bilingual. At least anyone with an Hispanic  background was; Anglos tended to be like me: one-dimensional and hollow. My limited linguistic abilities notwithstanding, I responded to Garcia. “¡Mi hermano! ¡Mi Salvador! ¡Hemos estado separados demasiado tiempo!”

In our excitement, neither of us had seen nor heard the car slide up the cross-road. Only after I heard the report of the gunshot did I realize someone else was there. Garcia fell to the ground. The car white Toyota Prius, its black windows concealing whoever sat inside, silently crept away. I could tell by looking at him that Garcia was gone. He was dead and I was alone on a desolate highway with a friend I’d barely been able to touch. I had come to spend time with Garcia, then kill him. Someone else had beat me to the punch.

Garcia’s death was the beginning of a very bad year. If I knew what the future holds for me, I’d say it was the worst year of my life. But tomorrow could be worse, so I can confirm only that the year just ended—the year that began with Garcia’s death—was worse than I’d ever imagined a year could be.

 

 

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Two Hundred Fifty-One

One recent day, at the local college, I opened the door to the air-conditioned pottery studio after raku-firing several pieces outside in a 1900-degree kiln. Naturally, I was dripping in sweat; my hair wet and my t-shirt drenched.

One of the women in the studio (I was the only male there) looked up as I entered and said, “You look hot.”

“Thank you,” I replied.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and compliments are in the imagination of the beheld.

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