Two Hundred Thirty-One

For reasons I do not understand, but probably could if I engaged in sufficient self-reflection, I often think of some of the lyrics to a 1968 Jefferson Airplane tune written by Grace Slick:

Lather was thirty years old today,
And Lather came foam from his tongue.
He looked at me eyes wide and plainly said,
Is it true that I’m no longer young?

But Lather still finds it a nice thing to do,
To lie about nude in the sand,
Drawing pictures of mountains that look like bumps,
And thrashing the air with his hands.

I do know this. The age at which one wonders whether any given birthday milestone “is still young” increases annually up to, and including, sixty-one. I suspect it continues forever.

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Follow Your Dream, Dingo

People who are quick to condemn, quick to attack, quick to blame, quick to demand redress for grievances, real or imagined, should be quick to apologize when circumstances turn out to be different from what their paranoia initially suggested.

But “should” is not a commandment.

Our fabulous neighbors invited us to join them last night for the last Hot Springs Concert Band outdoor concert for the season. We had a very nice time, listening to good music, people-watching, and chatting. I really enjoy casual outings with no subsequent obligations. Maybe I’m not very social. “Maybe?”

Back to the issue at hand.  Before enjoying our neighbors’ generosity, I spent time reading and responding to emails that suggested I (or someone) had insinuated a volunteer was incapable of performing he volunteer role. I devoted more time to the issue than it warranted. Then, later this evening, I remembered what I told my wife: “I am tired of offering myself and my talents, hearing joyous responses suggesting unwavering support, then encountering huge swaths of nothing.”

I need to remember. Don’t let yourself get snared again. Write. Explore options for getting audiences. Ignore politics and the attendant BS. Let them wallow in their juices if that’s what they want to do. Follow your dream, dingo.

Posted in Gullibility, Lies/disinformation, Writing | 2 Comments

Two Hundred Thirty

The man’s words came from my brain.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them—words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”

~ Stephen King

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Abstractions

All of us are abstractions, cast in an impermeable mixture of sand and cement of our own making.

We’re parodies of ourselves, fabricated partly out of pieces of the way we look in the mirror and partly from scraps of others’ perceptions of who we are. We construct images from oddments and orts, fashion a glue from wishes and tears and memories, and then, finally, we step gingerly into the mold that fits the form we built and allow ourselves to harden.

How odd that our abstractions become concrete-hard. Isn’t abstract the opposite of concrete? Or is an abstraction a distortion of reality?

Looking inward, we see the definitions depend on who’s doing the looking.

 

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Recollections of Writing

I spent the better part of the day yesterday reading posts from an old blog I had been able to restore from a backup file. Either I’d forgotten I’d created the backup or had tried to restore it unsuccessfully in the past and had given up. Yesterday, though, I was able to recover it.

I started the blog in July 2005 and abandoned it in August 2008, writing 1,152 posts during that time.  Almost no one read the blog, which is what led me, at least in part, to give it up. Returning to it yesterday, I am glad it didn’t have much of an audience. I wrote a large percentage of the posts as political diatribes, my abundant loathing of George Bush in full view and my nascent conclusion that only revolution could cure the ills he wrought informing many of my rants.  Much of the unvarnished rage I wrote was awash with vulgarities flung at whatever was the subject of my discontent. I regularly excoriated politics, religion, materialism, and myself. I’d like to think the rage has cooled considerably since then, though the molten heat of my emotions still gets the better of me from time to time. Some of what I wrote deserves to be expunged from the historical record; I was guilty of some pretty lousy writing when I let my temper control the keyboard.

Yet, I discovered yesterday, there are plenty of pearls hidden among the swine. I enjoyed reading about trips my wife and I took during those years. Tears welled up as I experienced, again, emotions I could write about then when they were so raw.

I discovered, too, that some of my writing was pretty damn good, though all of it would need a good, hard edit to make it worthy of publication.  I also found that some of what I wrote during those three years has found its way into things I’ve written since. Apparently, I had saved Word files of some of my posts and used them, subsequently, to write posts for this and a couple of my other blogs that are still viewable. I rarely visit the others and I post to them even less frequently.

The best part of successfully restoring the old blog, though, is that it gives me plenty of material to work with in creating a compilation of stories and essays that I might combine with more recent writing to compile a publishable “mass.” It’s going to be a lot of work, but may be worth it, at least to me. I find it easier to thumb through a book than to dig through old blog posts.

Posted in Memories, Politics, Rant, Writing | 2 Comments

Two Hundred Twenty-Nine

At some point, your rage will simply boomerang and you will have wasted all your energy on a brutal attack on yourself.

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Eye-Opening Memory

Today, I was able to restore an old blog I once deleted. It’s a long story, not worth re-telling, but what is worth telling is that I found a post I treasured from the day I wrote it. I hated that I had lost it; I deleted the blog in a fit of self -loathing rage.  But, today, I found it.

Here it is, a post from July 16, 2006. 


An Eye-Opening Experience

We are the proud owners of two hopelessly damaged and tired old windows, one that miraculously still has all its panes of glass, the other which is missing not only all its glass, but some of its structure. They’re precisely what I had in mind. Old wooden windows that, with a bit of paint & whimsy, can be made into points of interest for what I hope will evolve into a funky & inviting backyard.

I could have spent days and enormous sums of money at the Orr-Reed Wrecking Company salvage yard, if I had time and money to spend.

Orr-Reed Wrecking Company is in the dark-side of Dallas, a part of the city that the people in city hall and the folks who foster tourism avoid talking about. It is an area gripped by horrendous poverty. People in that part of Dallas eke out a living by selling scrap metal and found items or working for people who do. In that dark-side of Dallas, homeless and almost-homeless people make do with what they can scrape from the streets. There’s no doubt a fair amount of drug dealing down there, as well, but I think that it’s populated primarily by people who are just deeply down on their luck or who never had a chance. They’re people who have learning disabilities, alcohol dependencies, or drug addictions. Or, they’re people who didn’t have the chance to get an education or who decided, after looking at their options, they would rather not mold themselves around the expectations of a society that discounts large segments of its population. This part of Dallas is home to people who I can’t understand because I’ve never experienced what they have experienced. I’d like to understand what their lives are like, but I’m not willing to voluntarily go through what they go through to experience it. Understanding is important to me, but I guess it’s not important enough for me to make the kind of sacrifice I would need to make to achieve it.

Most people I know would be uncomfortable wandering through Orr-Reed Wrecking Company. I have to admit that I was uncomfortable the first time I went there, and maybe still am to some extent. The people who work there define diversity.

Aside from the black men in dirty white t-shirts who stream back and forth across the street in front of the building and the Mexican workers who scurry around like ants from building to building, the first person I see who is connected to the business is a middle-aged white guy, smoking a cigarette and smiling behind the front desk. He’s there as you enter the front door of the decrepit, m old building that looks for all the world like it is about to collapse around you.

The next person is a black man, probably in his twenties or thirties, smiling widely to reveal only a few teeth, his arms bent and small, victims of a birth defect. The birth defect notwithstanding, he has an amazing prowess at thumbing through a pad of paper to find whatever it is the customer to whom he is talking wanted. He’s pleasant and seems completely oblivious to the fact that his appearance might be jolting to people like me, people who don’t often see the crustier side of our nice, comfortable worlds.

As we wander out back, in the open-air behind the building, we encounter several more Mexican men, Spanish speakers all, who are busily engaged in jobs like pulling nails from old boards and stacking the boards neatly into shelves that I can only describe as the sort I used to see in old lumber yards when I would travel around with my father. These are not the Home Depot metal mega-shelves; these are shelves that are made of the very lumber they are meant to hold and they are solid as a rock. Beneath the stacks of boards, on the face of the shelves, the nominal sizes of the boards are marked in dark permanent markers.

There are more black men, each of whom seems to have a job to do, scurrying all around the salvage yard. Everyone seems to have responsibilities in specific sections…a vast area of doors of every type, size, and description has its group, the windows section, full of wooden, metal, plastic, and combination windows in every size and condition has its group, and so on.

I remember from visiting the place years ago that open-toed shoes are inappropriate here. There’s too much broken glass and sharp metal protuberances and too many nails and other sharp objects laying around to risk walking in open-toed shoes. Before going to the place, I advised my wife to put on something beside sandals.

We wandered through the place and found some windows I wanted, but I did not recall what to do with them; they were not priced. I did not recall how to get them priced or who to ask. I set them aside and we wandered through the rest of the place, taking it all in. Then, I went back inside where the nice white guy was smoking and he asked if I had seen Alberto; not knowing who Alberto was, I said I did not know. He said Alberto was a Mexican guy in a white cowboy hat; the white guy led me outside, where he quickly found Alberto and told Alberto that I needed some windows priced. I led Alberto to the windows and he offered a price almost as a question, but I considered it fair and did not attempt to negotiate, I just said “that’s fair, I’ll buy them” and he picked them up and walked out the front gate and asked, in a very heavy accent, whether the truck he was standing in front of was mine. I explained that I only had my car, but I thought they would fit in the trunk. After some adjustments, they did, and I thanked Alberto, who walked back through the gate where I had first seen him. I then went back in the front door of the place and explained to nice white guy that Alberto gave me a price on the windows and that I was buying them, but first wanted to know the price of some bird houses we had seen while wandering the salvage yard.

Earlier, as we were wandering through the yard, after having selected our windows and setting them aside, we came across a bunch of birdhouses, all similar in shape and size but each of which had unique characteristics. They were all made of scraps of various sorts and were decorated with numbers, fasteners of various types, bits & pieces of hardware attached to them, etc. They were very interesting and attractive and my wife was very interested. I asked nice white guy the price and he said they were all sold. They are made for Wisteria magazine, he said, which buys all they can make. If there are any available, he said, they would be ones with black roofs and they would be $75 each, he said; the magazine doesn’t buy the ones with black roofs. He said Wisteria magazine sells them for $229. Nice white guy showed us an article from the Dallas Morning News (I think) about the old black guy who makes these bird houses and has been doing so for years. He also showed us a copy, in a plastic protector, of Wisteria magazine, with photos of bird houses that showed the price at $229 each. We went back to where we had seen them and found a couple with black roofs. My wife selected one and said she wanted to buy it. Nice white guy was happy to accommodate us and offered us a certificate of authenticity, which reinforced what he had already told us: that Mr. N.L. Jones, the old black guy who builds them for Orr-Reed, had been making them for years and that he has worked for Orr-Reed for more than 30 years. The certificate goes on to say that custom models of the bird houses sit in front of some Razoos Restaurants (a Cajun-styled restaurant, I assume a chain, with several in the D/FW area), and that Mr. Jones and his birdhouses were featured on a segment of Texas Tales on Dallas Channel 8. Nice white guy handed me an article, from the Dallas Morning News about Mr. Jones, that I found interesting. The article says the writer asked him how old he was and he replied “about 60.” It goes on to say that, later, he “stopped counting at 75.” Another piece says he was 85 at the time the article was written. Nice white guy said we would normally have been able to meet Mr. Jones, but his wife just died and her funeral was being held today (yesterday, Saturday). “You should come by to meet him sometime,” nice white guy says, “he’d appreciate meeting someone who likes his birdhouses.”

As we were paying the birdhouse and old windows and chatting with nice white guy, a woman came in behind us and nice white guy asked if he could help her. “You’ve got to, yes. I have some things here that I need to get rid of.” I started to move aside so she could move up closer, but nice white guy said no, don’t, take as much time as you like, and he moved around the counter behind us and talked to her. I wasn’t paying close attention, but picked up enough to realize that this lady was in need of money and she had some odds & ends to sell. Nice white guy went behind the counter to the cash register and pulled out some bills; not sure of the denominations or number, and gave them to her. She thanked him profusely and left. As soon as she was out of earshot, he said, “Now what am I going to do with this? I don’t even know what it is.” He held up a piece of very pretty, very decorated cloth, to which was attached descriptive information. A closer inspection revealed that she had brought in upholstery fabric samples from a fine custom furniture showroom in Dallas. I commented that someone could make some pretty decorative accent pieces with the stuff and he said to my wife, “if you like any of them, take them, take as many as you like, no charge.” My wife thanked him and picked up two rich Burgundy samples.

It occurred to me while we were wandering around the place that, while I made a point of saying “hello” to everyone I encountered, most of them seemed to divert their eyes when they responded. The black guys, in particular, would say “how ya doing?” to me, but didn’t look at me. Their demeanors were not subservient, by any means. Rather, they seemed almost like they wanted to make clear that they were not to be messed with, but were willing to acknowledge my presence. I’m not sure whether there’s anything there, but it was interesting.

After we left, I commented to my wife that I imagine much of the economy in that part of Dallas is a cash economy and no small part of it must involve transactions such as that we had just seen, where someone is paid a small amount of money for something that is, for all intents and purposes, worthless. I don’t know the guy’s motives, but I appreciated his actions. The lady needed money, the guy gave her some. She ‘sold’ him the samples and left with her dignity intact. He had, of course, just made $75 on selling a birdhouse that had been made entirely with scrap, so he may have been in a jolly mood, but I suspect that he was participating in an economy that requires such acts of kindness.

As we were leaving, I spied a barbecue grill across the street. A black guy was turning meat on it as smoke billowed up around him. My first thought was to buy lunch there. There was no sign we could see, though, and my wife said it was probably lunch for the workers and it probably wasn’t ready yet. That signaled to me that she was not interested. And, she was probably right. But it made me think of the NPR series, Hidden Kitchens, and I was tempted to try to learn more about who was cooking and for whom. Not then, though; it was apparent I would need to do that on my own. But it was getting to be time for lunch, albeit a somewhat early lunch, and so my wife and I talked about where to go. We were in an area of town we rarely get to; we immediately agreed it would be an opportunity lost if we failed to try a place in the neighborhood. My wife, who is always prepared, had brought along a copy of an article about the best hamburgers in Dallas. The winner of a series of head-to-head competitions was a place we had never heard of, Wingfield’s, and it just so happened it is located in this part of Dallas. We decided to go for it. So that’s where we went. I’ll write about it later, maybe today. But for now, I need to finish my rapidly-cooling coffee and rest my fingers.

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The Road

I drive that same damn road, that dusty stretch of
decayed asphalt my father drove when he was the age
I am now. But he had a twelve-year-old son back then.
The road is in a different place, a different state,
but I drive it every day, looking for the same cross street
he tried to find, the side road that might take me someplace
else, someplace the pavement isn’t so full of mistakes,
somewhere fewer shards of sharp and unyielding
memories are embedded in the roadway.  A place where
the sidewalks aren’t just broken and brittle scabs,
unhealed wounds hiding worn footpaths leading nowhere.
He was looking for a place where the car’s tires,
spinning like the face of an unfriendly clock,
could take him back to twists and turns in the road
that didn’t feel as final as the deadman’s curve ahead.

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Two Hundred Twenty-Eight

I recently skimmed an article that described a room (or was it simply a device?) in which all external noise was filtered out. The only sounds a person inside could hear were the sounds of his own body; heart beating, blood flowing through his veins, air rushing through his lungs, and so forth. The experience was said to be maddening; no one could last more than fifteen minutes listening to nothing but the sound of one’s own life taking place. I sit here, in the middle of the night, and I wonder how different that experience is from my experience at this very moment, this very quiet moment.

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Feel Forward

“Pay it forward” has become a popular feel-good endeavor of late. Not a day goes by that I don’t read or hear a news story or view a Facebook post about someone buying coffee for the next person in line or paying the balance at a grocery store for someone who’s a little short on cash. The hardened skeptic in me wants to look at the motives of the “do-gooder” as self-serving, but I can’t quite bring myself to get there.

I see the joy in the face of the person who’s just shelled out a few dollars and can’t find it in me to condemn the act as self-congratulatory evidence that a person has just attempted to atone for his or her selfishness. The beneficiary in these scenarios seems to feel equal joy, but not so much in the gift as in the fact that it’s given.

My wife would probably say I am too prone to want to give too much to people of questionable deservedness. I turn away from plenty of people seeking a handout, but sometimes I just can’t turn away from a person who seems genuinely destitute and in need. That attitude can have a negative effect on limited personal resources, I’ll admit.

I’ve probably been swindled dozens of times by people who choose to sacrifice their dignity for money, rather than turn to hard work to earn it. But I think I’d rather that be the case than to think I regularly ignore people asking for, or simply needing, a helping hand. But sometimes I do.  Maybe the practice of tithing allows people to get around, or to feel they have gotten around, that dilemma?  I dunno, I’m just thinking.

 

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Two Hundred Twenty-Seven

Damn near everything I write is allegorical. I wonder whether that’s an indication I don’t have the fortitude to be forthright?

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Scruples

Some lost their scruples in the war, some misplaced them in a bar.

Others left them while smoking crack and now they’ll never get them back.

She once had an ounce of them, but expelled it when she coughed up phlegm.

He never had them and never will; he’s cheerful, see, to hurt and kill.

Should you have scruples, keep them well, else life become a living hell.

If you don’t like poems that rhyme, let’s speak on scruples another time.

===========================

I know. It’s pretty bad, but sometime I just like writing bad poetry. Sometime, it’s all I can do.

 

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Who’s the Bad Guy?

My dream last night was frustrating and upsetting and hopeless. Asked to make a presentation on association marketing to an organization in Chicago, I had prepared an hour-long presentation. Thinking I had plenty of time before the presentation, I took a train to the outskirts for a look around. When I reached the final station, I discovered mine was the last train; no other trains would return to the city from that station for hours.

I asked someone how to get to a station that would take me back to the city. I was directed to go to a station two blocks away, but after I walked one block, the street ended at a below-grade freeway, so I had to walk two more blocks alongside the freeway to a street that crossed over. Once over, I was confused as to the direction I should take. I entered what appeared to be an open-air pavilion that looked like it might have a pathway to the next station, but once inside it appeared labyrinthine, so I asked a man who appeared to be a waiter if I could ask him a quick question. He said, “no, I don’t have time,” and rushed away.

Somehow I managed to get on a train and just barely made it back to an underground mall station in downtown Chicago, adjacent to the theater in which I would give my speech, in time for my presentation. My shirt was soaked in sweat, so I popped in to a mall shop to buy a new shirt. After I paid for the shirt (which I was by then wearing), I looked through a plate-glass window between the mall and the theater and saw a woman who had been a good friend years ago.

I rushed out to the entrance to the theater and, just as I was to be ushered in, the woman appeared again and approached me. She was much,  much thinner than she had been when I knew her and she was deeply tanned, the sort of splotched tan one gets from too much time playing golf or sitting too long on the beach. When I knew her, she was a little plump and quite pale. She spoke to me as if there had not been years since we had seen one another, holding out her arm and pointing to two huge raised red lumps on one of her arms, saying, “These aren’t any fun, are they?”

Next, I was inside, beginning my presentation. Just minutes after I started, though, the man who had introduced me stepped back to the lectern and said, “Thank you, John,” and launched into his own presentation. Baffled, I slouched back to a chair. I turned to someone nearby and said “I have an hour’s worth of presentation; I’d only just started.” He looked at me and said, “You must have misunderstood. This is a five-person program; you were supposed to complete your presentation, but it sounded like you didn’t know what you wanted to say, so Eric stepped back in.”

The presentations had ended, somehow, and a group of us were waiting at an elevator to go upstairs. The elevator opened and people poured out. Three people in front of me stepped through a glass door into the elevator but as I started to enter, someone said, “she can only have three visitors at a time, and you’re not family, so you can’t come in.” The doors closed and I was left standing in a crowd of people who seemed to know what was going on, but I was utterly confused.

I turned away from the elevator and saw my former friend with two other women, some distance away. All of them were holding bags like they had just been on a shopping spree; they were walking away from me. My friend looked back at me for just a moment; she made a point of looking right at me, then turned away as if she did not recognize me.

I wrote all of this down the moment I awoke this morning, trying to get everything down before it disappeared. I know I failed to capture it all. Somewhere along the line, I complained I hadn’t been adequately informed about expectations; I turned around and saw the person who had invited me. He said, “You know what I don’t understand? I don’t understand how some people can treat others like crap and get away with it!” I don’t know just where this fit into the dream, but it’s a segment that I know belongs somewhere in the convoluted swarm of thoughts that rushed through my head while I was sleeping.

That last piece, the one that I can’t place chronologically, is one about which gave me the most questions after I woke up. Was he talking about me treating people like crap? Was he deflecting blame for failing to give me sufficient details about the presentation? Was my old friend’s weathered and unattractive appearance a suggestion that I judged her too harshly, and simply by appearances? I seem to have a vague recollection that, in the dream, I finally concluded, at some point, that I may have simply failed to pay attention to what I had been asked to do. I also seem to recall, albeit just barely (to the extent that it may be post-dream interpretation) that I wanted to have time to ask my old friend questions, but couldn’t bring myself to do it for some reason. Who’s the bad guy in all this, I wondered as I reflected on the dream.

All in all, the dream was an exercise in frustration and mental anguish. I do not enjoy dreams that, upon awakening, make me feel like I’ve been through an emotional wood-chipper.

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Two Hundred Twenty-Six

Dreams unmask fears and hopes and desires. They unleash the heartless monster and the loving humanitarian buried under countless layers of time and tears.

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Caricature of Itself

It’s a concept as simple as any concept can be. It’s been staring us in the face since the beginning of time. But we tend to forget it. We tend to forget its fundamental truth as we go squawking around, staking out steadfastly immovable ideological positions.

So what is it?

It’s this: nothing in the world is simple black and white. Green and red and blue and fuschia and orange and brown and pink and grey and banana yellow taint every effort at purity.

The reason Donald Trump is so widely scoffed at by the American people (in spite of his lead with the Republican “base”) is that he is one-dimensional. He sees everything in black and white. His views are so simple and crude and childish as to be laughable. He will not be elected because no caricature can ever be elected.

If I am wrong, the concept of humanity is fundamentally flawed and we are doomed. No shades of grey in this situation; it really is black and white.

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Two Hundred Twenty-Five

What is it called?  Is there a name for it?  I’m referring to the phenomenon of waking up at 1:35 a.m. and misreading the clock, thinking it’s 5:35 a.m.  Then, getting out of bed, taking the obligatory pee, going to the kitchen to turn on the coffee maker, dropping a pod in the Keurig, and finally glancing at the kitchen clock to discover it’s four hours earlier than you thought.  Is there a name for that?

I don’t do it often, but recently (not last night) I did.  No, I didn’t stay up. I went right back to bed and worried for an hour about whether I’d lost my mind. But then I remembered where I’d put it.

 

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Explosive Ideas in My Head

This quote from Dorothy Parker rings true with me:

“If you have any young friends who aspire to become writers, the second greatest favor you can do them is to present them with copies of The Elements of Style. The first greatest, of course, is to shoot them now, while they’re happy.”

Another, one for which I feel a particular fondness this morning, is this:

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

Oh, yes, I have an especially strong affinity for the latter this morning.

An idea for a story/book/novel/script has been rattling around in my head of late and I can’t seem to get it out. Here it is:

A woman (I have named her Estella Garcia) awakes early one summer morning in Laredo, Texas, drenched in sweat from the sweltering heat. It’s a weekend and she is anxious to get up, despite the hour, because her son (I’ve named him Ernesto Garcia), who lives in New York, always calls her early on Saturday morning.

Her son has only been in New York for a few months, but he is doing better than she had expected; he has a job, he has an apartment, and his future looks promising.

I’ve written enough to know how the morning’s phone call begins: “Buenos dias, mijito! How’s my favorite boy?”

During the call, after Ernesto explains that he’s about to get a performance review and, perhaps, a promotion, the phone goes dead in mid-sentence. He tries to call back several times, but gets a pre-recorded message saying the number he dialed is not in service. Finally, he gives up, assuming something has happened to the phone lines between New York and Laredo. And he’s right; something has happened.

A cataclysmic nuclear blast destroyed Laredo and Nuevo Laredo in the midst of the phone call. A huge number of the 240,000 inhabitants of Laredo and the 375,000 residents of Nuevo Laredo were killed instantly.

Ernesto learns of the horror as he watched news of the event unfold on television. For the first few hours, the news media and governmental authorities are in a state of confusion about what happened. There had been no threats, no internet chatter, no suggestion of any kind that an attack had been planned. Instantly, there is speculation as to who might have done it. Radical Islamic terrorists; Russia; Iran; North Korea.

None of them is involved, at least not directly. I know who did it, and how, but I’m not telling. At least not yet.

Ernesto is determined to find out why his mother and so many others died in such a horrific way.  He is changed through his efforts to uncover the truth. He learns that the ruthlessness of those responsible for the horror has no bounds, nor does his own.

I have dozens, perhaps hundreds, of books in me. I have to find a way to get them out, to get them written and finished, so I can love having written.

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Two Hundred Twenty-Four

My wings are missing this morning. I am relatively sure I can no longer fly. But I can pretend, which is the next best thing. If reality doesn’t suit me, I have alternates readily available.

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Struggles

The town of Struggles corroborates its name. The business district is an amalgamation of boarded-up shops, derelict buildings, and weed-infested lots punctuated by an occasional “open for business” sign placed by hopeless romantics with delusional dreams.

Struggles, Arkansas was named after its founder, Dwight Struggles, an entrepreneur and explorer who intended to turn a central Arkansas lake into a destination for well-to-do easterners who had tired of interference in their affairs by an unchecked government. One hundred sixty years later, its glory days had long since evaporated into the wet mist that seemed perpetually to hang over the valleys and drift upward to enshroud the foothills in fog.

Brevard Nelson was born to Struggles, though not in Struggles. No one was born in Struggles. The town never had a hospital nor a clinic, not even a midwife. Expectant mothers take care to arrange for their babies to be born in the nearest town with a maternity ward in a building that pretends to be a hospital. That would be Nichols, Arkansas, thirty miles from Struggles. Yet babies’ birth certificates assert their entry into this world took place in a town called Struggles. Call it pride or provincialism; that’s the way the mothers, and the fathers who accept responsibility, want it. Back to the matter at hand; people are born to Struggles.  That’s the way their parents want it, because that’s the way it has always been. Tradition, in this part of the country, is thicker than a fifty-fifty concoction of blood and flour.

RESERVE FOR STORY

 

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Unintended Information

Every so often, I’ll visit the websites of newspapers published in other countries, just to get a flavor for what’s considered news in other places. The “snark” one finds in some of these newspapers is on par with Fox News, though the topics run far afield of anything Fox would produce. A day or two ago, I opened the site for the Moscow Times, an English language newspaper published (as one would guess) in Moscow, Russia.

A leading story dealt with the flourishing fashion industry in Uzbekistan, now that the former darling of the nation’s fashion industry, Gulnara Karimova, has disappeared from the industry. Karimova, known best in the industry for her eponymous luxury brand of Guli fashion accessories, is said to be under house arrest on suspicion of involvement in organized crime and corruption amid rumors that suggest she is a key figure in real estate and money laundering schemes. Though she has not been formally charged, those in the know are certain she will be.  However, rather than prison time for her misdeeds, it appears the Uzbek parliament is working overtime to make house arrest, rather than prison time, an option for persons convicted of crimes that “do not present a great danger to society.”

The fact Gulnara is the daughter of Uzbek strongman president Islam Karimov adds strength to the speculation that the amendments to the criminal code are being prompted in connection with her detention. I mentioned snark earlier. The Moscow Times report makes heavy use of such phrases as “the disgraced daughter of strongman leader” in its reporting. I wonder where the paper falls, politically, in relation to Uzbekistan and its leadership? 😉

What attracted my attention to the article in the first place, though, was not the detention and rumors surrounding the house arrest of Gulnara Karimov. Rather, comments about the resurgence of the fashion industry in Uzbekistan piqued my interest. I had no idea, did you?

I learned, on further reading, that the industry in Uzbekistan is in a growth mode and proudly pronounces that much of the best  products are made from pure silk from the cocoon.

According to the article, sourced from EurasiaNet.org, “Many designers source their silk from the celebrated Yodgorlik factory in the silk-weaving center of Margilan in the Fergana Valley, where sericulture – the rearing of silkworms and production of silk – has been practiced for well over a millennium.”

Looking at the CIA’s World Factbook information on Uzbekistan, I learned that the country is eighty-eight percent Muslim, mostly Sunni, and that the CIA classifies more than fourteen percent of the adult population as obese.  Hmm. I wondered what the CIA would say about the percentage of the US adult population classified as obese; thirty-five percent. We (and I mean I) have some work to do. As to religion, the CIA claims the vast majority of us are Christian; only sixteen percent identify as unaffiliated or having no religion.

All right, now that we can see some comparisons between Uzbeks and us, I wonder about causation. Is it the religion that causes the obesity, or is it the obesity that causes the religion?

I think a story about an overweight Uzbek fashionista taking the US fashion industry by storm may be in the offing. She feels alone and abandoned among the majority-sleek Uzbeks, but she will feel solidly aligned with more than a third of her new countrymen, which will make all the difference in her life.  Plus, she’s bringing silk back into the US fashion mainstream. How could that be bad?

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Two Hundred Twenty-Three

I haven’t tried it, but I wonder how Spanish tapas and dry sherry would taste for breakfast? I think it’s the sherry that has me a little concerned. I’ve never liked booze in the morning (with the very rare exception of a bloody mary or a screwdriver or mimosa); but it might be worth a shot. Who’s with me?

But I can’t pursue the idea further until my vision improves. Yesterday’s cataract surgery did not instantly transform my right eye into a high-resolution-camera-equivalent. My vision is better than it was before, without glasses, but not by a lot. I hope the clarity improves dramatically in short order. I visit the ophthalmologist around mid-day today; perhaps I’ll get answers.

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A New View

Today, I am having my right eye amputated. Not really. I’m just having the lens in my right eye removed and replaced with a bionic lens. That is, I’m having cataract surgery.

When I first went to the ophthalmologist early this year, I thought I was having a recurrence of corneal map dot fingerprint dystrophy, which is a sort of epithelial erosion treated with eye drops. Several years ago, when I had chronic itching of my right eye, that was the diagnosis. It was treated and cleared up.  But the symptoms this time seemed the same; itching and a slight blur in my vision.  The doctor said, no, it’s not a recurrence of that disorder, it’s early-onset cataract.

He advised giving it six months to see if it developed enough to be a real bother.  It did. The vision in my right eye declined; it was especially noticeable, from time to time, while driving. I returned for my checkup and he said it’s time to do the surgery. Then, he said, the developing cataract in my left eye should be addressed about a month later.

For the past three days, in preparation for the surgery, I’ve been instilling two eye drops in my right eye, three times a day: Ketorolac Tromethamine Ophthalmic Solution and Tobramycin Ophthalmic Solution.

If all goes well, as I expect it will, I’ll have much better vision in my right eye in short order. This early-onset cataract really annoys me, though, inasmuch as Medicare would have covered it if it waited a few years to develop. Instead, I’m spending money out of pocket to meet my $6,000 deductible on my health insurance. For an additional $900 (not covered by insurance), I could have opted to get a lens implant that would correct my astigmatism; inasmuch as I wasn’t even prepared to have to fork over $6,000, I decided to forego the upgrade and live with slightly less clarity. I best not start talking about health insurance; my blood pressure will rise to unsafe level.

I’m looking forward to seeing things more clearly in the near-term.

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Two Hundred Twenty-Two

We place our trust in people we don’t know because we have no other reasonable choice. Even doing one’s “due diligence” is no guarantee that the doctor or lawyer or electrician will perform well. We simply trust. And, then, we hope the trust is warranted.

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Not Asking Much

I require little of myself, other than to eat and breathe and spend time with my wife. In other words, I am a slacker, a retiree with few demands on his time. I am a man with few concerns to tax his brain. But I do require one thing that, even absent other demands, can be burdensome. I require of myself that I write at least two simple blog posts each morning.

How can such a modest obligation become oppressive? Well, to be honest, oppressive is too strong a word. For, you see, my commitment is casual and facile. But, still, I sometimes allow myself to be overwhelmed by it.  I think to myself, “my brain is not functioning as well as it should for me to write creatively,” which gives rise to a mild sense of panic that I won’t meet my obligation to write just two little pieces.  And, then, I try to write something, but what drips from my fingers is dull, distorted, incoherent nonsense. I quickly conclude that I have written all I will ever write; my creativity is spent and no matter how hard I wish for it to return, it will never come back to me. Life, as I have come to know it, is behind me.

Generally, though, when I look again at my dull, distorted, incoherent nonsense, I can see the seed of an idea that might bear further exploration. And so I examine it more closely, more carefully. I assess it and realize the idea may be a start, just a start, to something I might later develop into a story. And so I begin writing, urging the idea to break through its boundaries and expand into the empty space around it.

It’s a bit like cracking an egg; once that hard shell protecting what’s inside is sufficiently broken, the white and the yolk spill out, unconstrained. Once it is released from barriers, there is no telling where it will go; it goes where it will.  So it is with ideas. Chip away at the carapace surrounding them and they tend to finally burst forth and blossom.

Many of my daily posts contain the roots of ideas that I have nurtured  just enough so they can stand without crashing down. They are seedlings with the potential to flourish with cultivation. Occasionally, I retrieve some of those seedlings and give them the care they need to grow into more than vignettes.  In fact, many days I return to something I’ve written before, using it as a foundation. I take that germ of an idea and add to it, allowing it to grow of its own accord. Several short stories I’ve written have emerged later from my daily posts.

I consider everything I’ve written to be fodder for spurring more writing. Every story, every rumination, every incomplete vignette is fuel.

On those days when I question whether my commitment to writing at least two posts a day is worthwhile or I question whether it will bear fruit, my ultimate answer is that the worth and the fruits of  my slacker’s labors are right in front of me.

Though I don’t require much of myself, the little I do require is enough. For now.

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Two Hundred Twenty-One

I wonder whether I could assemble a group in Hot Springs Village—people who enjoy spicy food—to regularly venture out to restaurants to explore spicy stuff and/or gather at individuals’ homes to make and eat spicy dishes? The answer, of course, is yes. Whether I will make it happen remains to be seen.

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