We Live in Absurd Times

Accuser: “Your dog bit my child.”

The Innocent: “I do not have a dog.”

Accuser: “My child is at the doctor’s office because of your dog’s vicious attack!”

The Innocent: “I do not own a  dog.”

Accuser: “Officer, this is the man whose dog injured my child.”

The Innocent: “I don’t own a damn dog!”

Accuser: “Officer, my child is in the hospital, her life hanging by a thread. Arrest this man!”

Police officer 1: “Sir, we need you to surrender your dog. And you need to come along with me.”

The Innocent: “For the last time, I do not own a goddamn dog!”

Police officer 2 to Police officer 1: “We found a dog down the street. It pretty well confessed to killing the child. I mean, it was pretty obvious. It had something, I think it was blood, around its mouth. When I hit it with my club, it tried to bite me, so I shot it dead.”

The Innocent: “You people are crazy! Dogs don’t talk and I don’t own a dog! And where’s the child that was bitten?”

Police officer 1: “Hands behind your back, sir. You are under arrest for training your dog to kill the child and bury its body. Tell us where the child’s body is buried.”

The Innocent: “I do not own a dog. I did not tell a dog to kill a child. I do not know this guy who claims that my dog bit his child.”

Police officer 1: “You said ‘my dog,’ sir. What kind of dog is it?”

The Innocent: “I don’t own a dog!”

Police officer 1: “But you said ‘my dog.’ Were you lying to us?”

The Innocent: “Look, I was just explaining I don’t own a dog. And I didn’t train any dog to kill anyone. And I don’t know where the child’s body is buried.”

Police officer 2: “Our detectives found two more dogs down the street. They considered them dangerous, so they shot them. Looks like they were part of a pack.”

Police officer 1 to the Innocent: “So, now you’re saying you don’t know where ‘the child’s body is buried.’ Obviously, then, you know there’s a child buried someplace. And now we know there were other dogs involved. The story is becoming more clear by the second. You breed dogs to kill! You sick son of a bitch! ”

Accuser: “Lock that SOB up! Some poor child was bitten by his pack of dogs.”

The Innocent: “Wait a minute. ‘Some poor child?’ I thought it was your child.”

Accuser: “It doesn’t matter whose child it was. Obviously a child was attacked by your vicious dogs. The pain of any child is my pain! You are a murderer!”

Police officer 1 to the Innocent: “Okay, that’s enough! You kill a child, thinking it’s the Accuser’s child, and you try to make this about the Accuser! You’re off to jail, you bastard!”

The Innocent: “Where is the child? What about the dogs you killed? They’re not my dogs! This is madness! I’m not even sure there ever was a child bitten by or attacked by or killed by dogs! I want a lawyer!”

Police officer 1 to Accuser: “Do you have a child?”

Accuser: “No, but my wife and I considered having a family. We couldn’t.”

Police officer 1: “It must be especially troubling for you, then, to witness such a brutal murder of an innocent child, a child that could have been yours.”

Accuser: “Just the thought of it turns my stomach.”

Police officer 1: “Do you have any idea where the child’s body could be buried?”

Accuser: “No. My neighbor called and told me that a child had been bitten by a dog, so I went outside to investigate. That’s when I encountered The Innocent. If anyone knows where the child is buried, it will be him.”

Police officer 1: “So you didn’t actually see a dog attack a child?”

Accuser: “No, but the fact that the other officers encountered vicious dogs confirms that they were in the area. And kids regularly play outside here. So I put two and two together.”

Police officer 1: “Well, we’ll get to the bottom of this. I just hope we can find the child’s body so his parents can give him a proper burial. In any case, don’t you worry, we’ll nail The Innocent for the crime!”

The Innocent: “This is insane! I don’t even think a dog attacked a child! I don’t believe there were vicious dogs! This stuff was all made up!”

Police officer 1: “Shut your mouth! By the time you get to the police station, you will have confessed. Do you understand me! I don’t care whether a body is ever found! You’re going down for this, you worthless piece of crap!”


For the love of god, don’t call it a falsehood! Call it what it is, a lie! Trump doesn’t pepper his speech with falsehoods. He lies every time he opens his mouth. And his lies are treated by his powerful allies as if they were truths. So when he lies about being spied on, his followers (for whom, by the way, I have nothing but contempt) latch onto conspiracy theories and do all they can to punish the “spies.”








About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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