Sleep remained elusive last night, despite the fact I felt tired—not exhausted, but sufficiently fatigued that I thought sleep would come easily. It did not. I slept a little, I’m sure, but not nearly enough. I’ll see what the day brings.
+++
My morning mistake, the one I make far too often, is to glance at news headlines. This morning—when my eyes paused on a headline with a quote from one of the most despicable human beings on the planet—I hoped for something horrible to happen to the monster. That hope remains; and it continues to grow. It’s only a wish, not a plan. But my imagination, if latched onto by someone else—someone who possesses the wherewithal and who is inclined to action, could rid the world of a malignancy that threatens peace and freedom and human decency. No matter how much I want to believe—to fully embrace—the concept that every person has worth and dignity, the words and behavior of some people argue persuasively against it. Hope is not a reliable lifeline for humanity, I am afraid.
+++
My sudden allergic reaction to the cancer drug, carboplatin, last week leaves me wondering what, if anything, will replace it in my treatment regimen. My oncologist, busy with other patients after my reaction to the infusion, probably did not have time at the moment to consider the options available to her/me. I am not scheduled to see her for a while, so unless I successfully attempt to reach her by phone, I will not know her thinking for a while. It is only my curiosity, of course. Knowing what she is thinking…or not knowing…really has no bearing on the way each day plays out. But my curiosity is quite high, so I may attempt to explore her plans before I am scheduled for another infusion of chemo drugs. Is that what to call them? Chemo drugs? I should know, having undergone chemotherapy five years ago and in the midst of chemo again now. But the terminology associated with cancer treatments is not necessarily very important to me. It’s the treatments’ impacts that are of greater concern. I think I may attempt to schedule fifteen minutes with the APRN who works with my oncologist, just to ask her a list of questions that I have yet to formulate. My curiosity builds by the day…hour. I guess the unexpected removal of carboplatin from my treatment regimen is largely responsible for my curiosity. That and my unquenchable desire to to know what the future holds.
+++
My sister, whose hip has given her grief for far too long, is scheduled for a hip replacement later this month. From what I know about others’ experiences with hip replacements, the procedure is likely to give her significant relief from pain and to dramatically improve her mobility. Healthcare and medicine have advanced enormously in an incredibly short time. At the pace they have advanced, we should expect, within a matter of a few years, to be able to repair almost any injury and illness. Of course that expectation is just a dream. But it’s a pleasant dream. One all of us should share. Or should we? That question could be examined intensely for years without universal agreement as to its answer.
+++
We will go to church this morning. Afterward, if last week’s chemo kicks in fully, maybe fatigue will overtake me, enabling me to sleep. The last treatment did that; I slept almost 24/7 for days and days. Not that I want that, but sleeping is better than perpetual insomnia. Why are cancer and chemo and all the experiences surrounding them so fully on my mind this morning? I would like to cast all this aside and simply soak in the experience of being alive in the forest. And I will, at some point.
+++
My thoughts are scattered. Unfortunately, I don’t think they are worth reconstructing. I think my weight may have stabilized at around 30 pounds greater than I’d like (but almost 50 pounds less than a bit over a year ago). But maybe not. It’s hard to know what one’s body will do when fed an inconsistent diet. Okay. I’m done for now. And anyone reading this post probably is grateful for that.
