If Fishes Were Horses, Mermaids Would Fly

Two drunk and disorderly mermaids swished into a dockside bar one morning, just after the shrimp boats left the port in search of full nets and calm waters. The taller of the two, Shirona, called to the bartender, “Hey, barkeep, give us a couple of compari and clamato cocktails!”

The bartender, surprised to see two drunk mermaids so early in the morning, replied, “I’ve never heard of a compari and clamato cocktail. And it’s a bit early to keep drinking, isn’t it?”

Shirona’s companion, Molly, swished her tail to the right, smacking the bartender hard in the jaw. “Don’t give us any lip, you earth-walking ape,” she snarled, “just serve up the effing compari and clamato cocktails!”

“OK,” said the bartender, rubbing his swollen jaw, “I’ll make you an effing compari and clamato cocktail, but you’ll need to show me the money, first.  I’ve been scammed by too many mermaids to waste good booze on bad credit.”

Well, as anyone who’s spent time with mermaids knows, they do not carry currency with them and, in fact, can pay for their drinks only with gold doubloons snatched from sunken ships. At today’s US dollar/doubloon exchange rate, a single doubloon is equivalent to a two-month drinking binge.

Molly and Shirona each plunked down not one, but two doubloons. Shirona curled her full lips into a come-hither pucker and said, “Keep pouring until they lose their luster, Bucko,” pointing to the shiny gold coins on the counter.

And he did. Two months later, Molly and Shirona surfaced in a shrimper’s net, their tails in tatters and their smiles intact.

You thought there would be more to this story, didn’t you?  Well, there is, but I have to wait for Shirona and Molly to dry out before continuing on.



About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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