The last several days have been strange, to say the least. After spending most of the day last Thursday waiting for the procedure to remove a kidney stone, I seemed to have plunged into a labyrinthine cage of delirium. Though I remember most of what I thought and felt during the time between Friday and Monday morning, the images I recall seem like fictions I read about, rather than realities I experienced. My memories include pain, coughing spasms, deep depression, confusion, constipation, and groups of people who I tried to convince to join me in forming financial collaboratives. None of these things seemed connected to the others, though they all formed part of a web that appeared interrelated in some way. The complexities of the illusions, delusions, whatever…were impossible for me to understand. Apparently, this odd miasma was not just in my head, either; things I said to others were just as bizarre and disturbing. And one truly troubling thing I remember was thinking, “if this is the way my life is going to be, I want to end it.”

Until yesterday morning, the only thing I had to eat between Thursday evening and yesterday morning, was a piece of cold pizza on Friday morning. I had no appetite whatsoever. I did not even want to drink coffee. Despite the admonition that I should drink a lot of water after the procedure, I could drink only a sip or two at a time until yesterday.

The experience was incredibly odd. Yet none of the drugs I took for the pain, etc. seems a  likely culprit to have created the wild mental storm that took me in its winds during much of those three or so days. Finally, though, the storm subsided yesterday. I saw my primary care doctor’s nurse practitioner yesterday afternoon; she was stumped by the weirdness of it all, too. But, again, the storm is over, I think. I have to go back in Thursday to a stent removed; perhaps, with that, the episode will be nothing but a frightening memory. I hope so.

I feel like I lost several days while swimming in a black hole. I have no idea what took place in my world while I was “out.” I remember what took place in my mind, but not much else outside of it.


The whirlwind of experiences that were not expected to, or supposed to, happen has left me more than a little stumped and confused. For the moment, at least, I do not feel compelled to or even able to write much more. Suddenly, this morning, I realize this blog is not my life and my life is not this blog. But it will be here, waiting for me, when I am ready to write more. Maybe tomorrow, maybe a week from now, maybe longer. Time will tell.

About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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3 Responses to Confusion

  1. Bev, I’m not sure how my WBC was during this time. I’m going to see the doc tomorrow to have the stent removed, so I’ll inquire then. I suspect he checked, during and after the procedure, but your experience suggests it pays to be one’s own advocate. I appreciate the suggestion.

    Mick, thanks…me too!

  2. Mick says:

    Good to hear you came out of the fog

  3. Beverley Wigney says:

    How were your white blood cell counts during all of this. If you had an infection, what you experienced would make a lot of sense. We were fighting infections with my mom so much when she was ill and those produced very weird hallucinations, crazy dreams, bizarre behaviour, and also lack of appetite. Often, the doctors would say things were fine, but we would insist them check for infection, and almost every time, my mom did end up having a systemic infection – probably infected through her central venous port, but probably also during dialysis and other procedures. It was very difficult to deal with.

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