On a recent night, I sat sipping a glass of Cabernet/Shiraz blend from a plastic wine glass (purchased when we lived in Dallas and the patio was made of stone, which tends to result in glasses being shattered when dropped…see how easily I get distracted?) and pondering how to attach cushions to our wrought iron furniture. The cushions come with ties, but it’s a bit of a hassle to tie them and untie them. I want something easier. Suddenly, the idea hit me…snaps!

So, I Googled “how to attach snaps to fabric” and up popped a link to a YouTube video. I followed the link. Wendi gave me step-by-step instructions on how to use hammer-on snaps. Problem solved! Well, not yet, but it will be solved. Assuming, of course, I can find the right size snaps from an online source. I feel confident I can.

All I have to do is figure out where to place the snaps on the tie-down straps, install the snaps, and the problem will have been addressed. Of course, I will have to decide what to do with the excess “tail” of the tie-down straps. Perhaps I’ll just cut them off, put some tape over the end (I don’t have a sewing machine, nor have I ever learned to  use one, so I cannot sew the wounded fabric back together), and voilà, perfection!

My mind could not simply stop and celebrate my spectacularly good idea. I had to come up with more. And I did. Many of them, though, will require the purchase of a sewing machine and sewing lessons. For example, my Samsung smartphone is too large for a case that would hang on my belt; I need something that can attach to my pants, below the beltline and to the side. The solution: using a sturdy but lightweight cloth, sew a case that fits the phone. Attach snaps to the phone case and to my pants (every pair) so I can simply snap the case onto my pants. When I need the phone, I simply reach down, lift the cloth flip-top to reveal the phone, and pull the phone out. This solution could be my ticket out of here! I envision going on Shark Tank to ask for investments to mass produce the product, only to have one of the sharks offer me an all cash offer for my business, including all intellectual rights. I’ll probably walk out of the studio with upward of $100 million in my pocket.

Similar solutions would work to attach and store key holders, passport holders, wallets (thereby protecting men’s butts from sitting on billfolds, which no doubt does nerve damage to gluteal nerves and muscles), eyeglasses holders, knife pockets, etc.

They (whoever “they” are) will give me a nickname; The Snapster. Finally, I will be able to buy my private island, far away from the madding crowd, where I can relax and enjoy my enormous wealth and my valuable privacy. Of course, I’ll feel compelled to share my wealth with the poor, the destitute, the unfortunate, and the Wendi’s of the world, the people who produce YouTube videos only to have some schmuck come along and take advantage of their generosity of shared knowledge. And then where will I be? Where, indeed.

Consider just how many snappable holders-of-all-things-imaginable I might have attached to my clothing. To reiterate:

  1. Phone
  2. Car keys
  3. House keys
  4. Billfold
  5. Eyeglasses
  6. Eyeglasses polishing cloth
  7. Pocket knife
  8. Passport
  9. iPad
  10. Writing pad
  11. Pens/pencils

Of course, I could consolidate a few of these items, but most I would want to keep separate so I could easily find the specific item I want. Unlike a purse, this flock of pockets would keep everything separate and within easy reach.

As I consider my flash of brilliance, I think about the travel vests available from TravelSmith and a few others; those vests behave like well-organized, wearable purses, too. But they do not require the installation of multiple sets of snaps on every piece of clothing one owns. This idea of mine has merit; but maybe not as much as I first thought.


Much to my surprise, when I searched for posts on this blog using the topic “money laundering,” I found only one post.  Obviously, I have not done enough research on the topic. Which reflects the fact that I do not have enough money to launder.

About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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