Skipping Rocks

An impartial, country-by-country, comparative scan of domestic attitudes about immigration is essentially impossible. First, even the most well-intentioned attempt at impartiality is doomed by innate biases, many of which are invisible except from the outside looking in. Second, efforts to remove biases tend not to eliminate them but, instead, to counter them by endorsing opposing points of view—accidentally or purposefully. Other obstacles to unbiased comparisons arise at every turn. Only by arguing against positions one is attempting to protect, encouraging competing respondents to do the same, then agreeing to reject both sides’ perspectives, can one hope to achieve a true “cleansing” of bias. But by that point, one’s thoughts may be so confused that they are impossible to fully grasp. Getting to that stage probably is the closest one can come to impartiality.

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I am very, very hungry and very, very sleepy. But my hunger and my fatigue can be conquered only by specific (and unexpected) foods and deep (but surprisingly brief) bouts of relaxation. Eating cold applesauce, followed by entering a two hour period of uninterrupted sleep in a dark, quiet room should do the trick. While I am sleeping, my lungs should be supplied with concentrated levels of cool (but not cold) oxygen. Levels of food, sleep, and oxygen should be subject to automatic regulation so that they always stay at levels at or close to “perfect.” I will try to achieve that magic state now, but without the apple sauce; I’ve already had enough of that to keep my stomach from complaining loudly.

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Children should be taught to self-regulate their physical and mental well-being from an early age. We begin to regulate our ability to communicate…with very little external assistance…from the moment our awareness to the external world begins. The same abilities should be fostered in every facet of our experience. Babies should be taught to fly, for example, so they can achieve proficiency by the time they reach four months of age. Don’t tell me it can’t be done. Please. That would be a disappointment of immeasurably proportions.

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The first time I was exposed to the word “transmogrify” took place when I was in college.  It was a beautiful moment. I have not had a truly legitimate excuse to use the term since then, except to prove I could misspell it in more than one way. I did that while skipping rocks.