After nearly thirteen years of devoting almost daily mental energy to writing this blog, I notice my interest diminishing in spending time on it every morning. The decline in interest is not new. Though I do not recall exactly when my commitment to writing in it daily started to slide, I think it may have been as long as two years ago; maybe longer. If I had the energy right now, I suspect I could scan posts and identify the month or two when the change began. It coincided, I think, with the time the quality of my posts dropped; nothing I posted seemed to make me proud of what I was writing. That would have been the time to take a long sabbatical from my morning routine, but I kept at it—failing to notice how empty and unfulfilling it hade become for me. I took increasingly frequent breaks, but they were never long enough to sever my sense of commitment. I kept feeling the self-imposed sense of obligation that I almost had to write. Even when I looked at what I had written and correctly judged it to be swill, I continued writing. Even when I looked at what I had written and thought it looked suspiciously like what I had already written (like this post), I kept clawing at it in the hope my persistence would pay off. Revealing, I hoped, the glimmer of gems I might uncover and polish…with just a little more work. Those moments—when I decided to spend time repairing instead of replacing…should have triggered a full-on self-assessment and redirection. Now, I wonder, whether one reaches a point at which rebirth, for lack of a better term, is impossible. And I wonder whether I reached that point months and months ago. Physically, I know there is such a point. No matter how much attention is given to one’s body, that attention will never restore a seventy-one-year-old physique into that belonging to a twenty-five-year-old. Mentally, I have just as much confidence.
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A truck loaded with roofing materials just stopped in front of my house. Hmm. They’re not here to restore my roof.
The decline in numbers of others’ blogs may have contributed to my own slump in commitment, Bev. I remember when the number of comment I received (and, in turn, left on other blogs) felt like I was engaged in conversation…some meaningful, some flippant and silly. Regardless, blogs “felt” different in times past. Still, though, I still have this inconsistent “up and down” feeling about writing mine. It’s probably just a temporary mood on my part. I do tend to be rather moody. And thanks for your comment…here and there.
Yours is one of the longest running blogs I’ve followed over the years. Most of us have pretty much thrown in the towel. I have tried to revive my blog a couple of times, but I seem to not have whatever it takes to keep posting. Oddly, I will on FB, which is kind of annoying as I realize it’s just benefitting Mark Z. Anyhow, just left another comment on your post from yesterday. Take care.