John Swinburn

Finns are at the polls as I write this, casting their ballots to replace President Sauli Niinistö, who will finish his second six-year term in March and who is not eligible for reelection. Finland is one of several Scandinavian countries that have intrigued me for years. My one extremely brief (a single day) visit to Finland took place after an overnight “cruise” from Stockholm to Helsinki on a ship operated by Silja Lines. We (my late wife and I) spent the day walking around Helsinki, stopping in to visit little shops and soaking in the ambiance of what I think was a unique briskly emerging democracy that gave voice to a broad spectrum of political perspectives. From what I have read (admittedly not very much), President Niinistö seems to be a conservative who stresses that other political perspectives should be acknowledged and respected. Finland’s population, it seems, has ricocheted between left-leaning and right-leaning, with the most recent expression of political perspectives having greater right-leaning representation. Writing as a novice in matters involving the intricacies of global politics—nationally, country by country, and internationally—my thinking leans toward compromise within an unbending commitment to one’s core principles. The idea is not necessarily to make everyone happy—it is to embrace tolerance and avoid getting everyone angry. Pollyannaish; check. Naïve in the extreme; check. Back to Finland. I would happily go back, but I would want to know more about the country before I go. And I would hope, on my return, to find the wonderful root vegetable and reindeer stew the proprietor of the spot where we ate lunch encouraged to try. Helsinki was cold and a bit rainy during my one-day visit; I would like to see the city on a clear, cool day. And I would like to venture out into the countryside. The idea of having conversations with people in little Finnish villages appeals to me. I suspect more Finns speak English today than did when I was there a number of years ago.

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Yesterday was a pretty good day. After waking around 5 yesterday morning, I remained awake and moderately alert until nearly 11 last night, when I gave in and quickly fell asleep. And this morning, after awaking again about 5, I feel like I might have another day like that, though I have been yawning off and on for the last hour and a half. My sister-in-law will come for coffee, as she usually does on Sunday morning. This morning, I will prepare avocados (salt and lime juice mixed with crushed avos), so the three of us can have avocado toast. The avos are ripening at the speed of light; we must eat them this morning or we will curse ourselves for letting them become unpleasantly over-ripe. After our coffee and conversation and yuppie breakfast, mi novia and I will go to church. I have not been keeping track of my church attendance, but it seems I have missed quite a lot of church in the last month or two or three. And, speaking of church, I have to prepare the agenda for Thursday afternoon’s board meeting. That holds about as much appeal right now as chewing the bark off the trunk of a big healthy oak tree. Perhaps it’s a relatively temporary state of mind…my interest in some things that, not so long ago, were fascinating has dwindled to the point of fragile tolerance.

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My weight fluctuates from day to day. This morning, for example, I was up more than two pounds from yesterday. Two days ago, though, my weight reached a low I have not experienced in several years. This morning’s number is more than 29 pounds less than one year ago: January 29, 2023. I have been keeping almost daily records of my weight, blood pressure, blood oxygen, blood sugar, etc., etc. for a tad more than a year. That’s what a combination of geezerhood and age-related (and lifestyle-related) health challenges will do to  you. I can no longer legitimately claim to be of “late-middle-age.”

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An occasional text or email check-in by friends keeps me connected to the world outside my window. And, of course, mi novia has driven me to doctor visits and appointments for treatments. But these contacts do not feel quite real; some of them feel downright artificial. This odd emotions makes me wonder whether the pine needles on the trees outside are made of plastic? Is the driveway just a concrete-look-carpet that has been rolled out to make fake look real? I do not really wonder, but what’s to stop the universe from fooling me into believing I am still alive and locked behind an impenetrable obstacle? Is it possible that all of us are simply tests of our bodies’ ability to successfully live and breathe in an oxygen environment…instead of the more natural hydrogen sulfide gas on which we thrive? We may be incredibly gullible. We’ve bought into the myth that we are in control of ourselves and our lives. Every move we make could be orchestrated by a being who lives in a different dimension a billion light years away…but who can step across dimensional boundaries as easily as…pie. Yes, pie. There, I’ve said it. Apple pie. Cherry pie. Peach pie. Tart green grape pie. Every one of them is powerful; they bring energy and light and boundless wisdom to people who consume them. I have it on good authority that almost all pies are imbued with stunning powers. Healing powers! Yes, pies can cure rabies, blindness, and blues. Eat one and see. You’ll want to thank me, but you will be embarrassed to have bought into my little story. A story that exists for no other reason than to manufacture and distribute lies. That is appalling. Yes it is. But so many things are.

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It’s almost 7:30. How in the hell does it get so damn late so damn fast? I am amazed at the blue sky outside my window. I wonder, is it real, or has my brain been programmed to “see” a blue sky when, in reality, I am locked in a completely dark 4 foot by 4 foot box? What if? Indeed, what if? I think I’ll stop stream-of-consciousness-spilling now. Good day!

I was confident I had bounced back—almost completely. But that was before I decided to take a “nap” after dinner, sometime before 6. I woke briefly at around 10 and periodically during the night, but aside from those moments, I slept soundly until around 5 this morning. Oddly, I feel a bit tired—sleepy—even now, an hour after I got up. The moment these post-chemo bouts of sudden fatigue disappear is a moment I will celebrate. Using the timeframe the oncologist mentioned, during which I could have such rounds, that moment should be any time now…possibly just minutes. I hope.

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Nestled, all alone, near the end of an otherwise-empty cul-de-sac, our house sometimes feels like a refuge from the world. Inside, behind protective windows to the universe outside, I peer out into what I can see of the wider world. I breathe a deep sigh of relief. We are here and everyone else is out there. Though I value this quiet, isolated sanctuary, I can imagine transforming it into a commune of sorts by inviting our friends to build private houses that hide behind the trees.  Supplemental common areas, like kitchen, bathrooms, large living area, etc. would be laced throughout the expansive property. At a moment’s notice—or with no notice at all—we could gather and have fun. Impromptu parties. And, then, back to our individual lairs. The best of both worlds. A private domain that provides a sanctuary from the rest of the world—and a place to gather and engage with close friends.

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Somewhere we know that without silence words lose their meaning, that without listening speaking no longer heals, that without distance closeness cannot cure.

~ Henri Nouwen ~

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Before I was released from the hospital, I was enrolled in a “home health nurse” program, in which a nurse, physical therapist, and respiratory therapist visit one’s home after the hospital visit. Yesterday was the first visit; a physical therapist. Depending on which representative is speaking, this at-home service should last between 2 and 6 weeks. Apparently, Medicare pays for the service; but there is a proviso that the patient is essentially home-bound. So, I’m not supposed to drive (except, in a pinch, to doctors’ appointments and pharmacy visits). I do have various medical appointments, but I should have a very local existence for a while. Oh, given where I live, I suppose driving to church is also acceptable. Fortunately, mi novia is a willing driver.

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During a break in blogging this morning, I watched a BBC.com video that dealt with the way individuals’ brains react when we see art. The piece was fascinating, but that is not what is on my mind. While watching, my attention was drawn to the facial characteristics of two people in the video. I noticed that their cheeks and jawlines and chins and necks and the rest of their bodies changed as they moved through space. Yet even with those changes, we continue to recognize individuals…the same individuals from moment to moment. Those thoughts morphed into a realization that everyone—every single person—is visually appealing if we simply allow ourselves to be guided by compassion. Hmm.

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This post is hereby committed to the ether.

I came across a Lebanese Arabic word yesterday that felt almost as though it had been coined just for me. Soubhiyé. One definition I encountered—a definition that feels luxurious and comfortable and beautiful—was this: “the whisper of dawn, when the house is still in slumber, allowing one to savor the stillness before the day begins.”  That definition, and variations thereof, are valid only in Lebanese Arabic, according to what I have read. The word’s definition in other Arabic-speaking countries is completely different; unrelated in any way to its use in Lebanese Arabic. Like so many words in other languages, its pronunciation depends on the person pronouncing it. The one that I choose to use—for the moment—is this (using what is probably my own peculiar form of phonetic pronunciation): Soob’-i-yeah. The pronunciation, though, is largely irrelevant to me, though the word pronounced in that way is pleasing to my ears. The word’s meaning is what matters. It describes my favorite time of day, that relatively brief period—an hour or two when I am alone with the quiet morning, enjoying the stillness—that feels like it was made for me.

Many words in “foreign languages” cannot be easily translated into English or, rather, there is no English word that shares the meaning of those words. I am sure I have mentioned many of them in earlier blog posts. Words like komorebi, a Japanese word meaning dappled light filtering through a canopy of leaves and branches; fernweh, a German word (translated literally as “farsickness”), meaning an aching to return to places one has never been. There are many more, I am sure. I wish, now, I had categorized as “language” the blog posts in which I mentioned those and other such words. Any attempt to search for those posts now would require too damn much time; searching for a needle in an enormous haystack. English, though, has some of its own pleasingly unique words: psithurism, for example, a rustling or whispering sound, such as leaves in the wind.

I have always had a love affair with language, but I have never delved deeply enough into words to be sufficiently knowledgeable to be an expert. My love of words has been shallow; superficial. I think I either am fundamentally too lazy to more deeply explore language  or I suffer from attention deficit disorder (or both).  Those characteristics/attributes/flaws probably are responsible for the fact that I write and write and write, yet rarely finish what I have begun. I lose interest in my own curiosity. After a while, my creativity begins to wear thin on me; maybe I withdraw from it out of fear I will learn I am not especially creative, after all. The same thing happens beyond writing. Sculpting. Pottery. Stained glass. Painting. And on and one. I lose the drive to continue when I begin to realize I will not achieve sufficient skills or talents or abilities to warrant having pride in what I am doing. I do not doubt I could reach some level of adequacy if I kept at it; but I have fantasies of actually being good at whatever it is I am doing. Rather than coming to grips with the reality that I might not be any good at all, I withdraw. And that is my psychological self-assessment. Psychology; another area of interest I never pursued with enough fervor to become truly knowledgeable. Ditto sociology. Ditto linguistics. Ditto, ditto, ditto. I am not incapable; I am bright enough, I simply have rarely pushed myself to go beyond a self-limiting boundary. I think that is quite enough about my inadequacies. I should write about my capabilities, instead. Perhaps I will do that sometime soon.

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Poetry has never been the language of barriers, it’s always been the language of bridges.

~ Amanda Gorman ~

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Yesterday, I spent a couple of hours at the cancer clinic getting an infusion of magnesium. I thought I was going in to get a simple injection, but I spent time with an IV drip, instead. My labs from my first chemo treatment revealed that I was low on magnesium, so my oncologist ordered the IV. We (mi novia and I) spoke to my oncologist, who confirmed that my extreme fatigue and other such reactions were normal responses to chemo. She said individuals’ responses differ from patient to patient, but it would not be out of the ordinary for me to feel essentially exhausted for seven to ten days after each chemo treatment…and that the effects could well be cumulative. I was quite pleased with the amount of time the oncologist spent with us, explaining and responding to our questions. I feel like I should know the answers already, having undergone chemo five years ago, but I have to remind myself that I was also undergoing radiation treatment at the time, which is a process with its own side-effects (and which probably combined with the effects of chemo). I felt better yesterday than I had the few days before, though I did get quite tired and napped late in the day. As much as I would rather not nap so much (or sleep damn near endlessly), I know I have little control over my fatigue; it is best to just go with the flow and sleep when I feel like I need it. Which, of late, seems almost constant. My next treatment is scheduled for February 8, which probably will leave me exhausted a few days afterward until around February 18 or so. I hope to feel sufficiently energetic thereafter to be able to participate in an insight program at church on February 25. We shall see. Before then, though, I should be scheduled for a brain MRI, which I expect will reveal that the cancer has not invaded my brain…a non-contrast CT scan while I was in the hospital recently did not show any “acute abnormalities,” which suggests the MRI probably will confirm that my brain is about as good as it’s going to get.

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It is now 6:38. I am hungry. I woke at 3:55 and ate a few pieces of cantaloupe. Now is the time for a helping of spicy turkey pumpkin chili. I am extremely grateful for that chili.

And for the loving kindness of friends—you know who you are—who wish me well. I appreciate offers of help and support; they mean more than I can possibly express. I look forward to visiting with “my people.” I hope to go to church on Sunday. Whether I do or not, my door is always open.

Another grey day, but the temperature promises to remain reasonably comfortable, with a high of roughly 60°F. Yesterday, while I was sleeping (when was I not?), a new supply of propane was delivered, so we can again use our gas fireplace…but 60°F outdoors is too warm to sit in front of a fire inside. And, also while I slept, our handyman assessed how much pipe insulation he will need to apply to the water pipes in the crawlspace. Both of these matters should have been addressed before the horrifically cold weather we experienced during the past few weeks. This business of home ownership is requiring too much concentration, planning, and action; a condo in which all this sort of thing is handled for me (in return for a hefty association fee) is increasingly appealing to me. Or even an independent living situation…the very idea of that makes me cringe, but on the other hand… I do not know. I suppose now is not the right time to think about such matters. First, I need to get through the cancer treatment. If it works, I may change my mind. If it doesn’t, the idea is probably entirely irrelevant. I am counting on it working, of course. But I am a realist, too, so there you are.

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Yesterday morning I expressed a desire to sleep for umpteen hours. And so I did. I slept most of the day and, with the exception of multiple trips to the bathroom to pee, all last night. I woke up this morning feeling depleted—weak and wishing for yet more sleep. Whether it is the chemo from last Thursday, the post-chemo injection on Monday, or something else, something has erased my strength and replaced it with a vague feeling of general illness. I return to the cancer center this morning for yet another injection—some sort of mineral, I seem to recall, that my blood tests say is low. I will inquire as to the reasons for my nebulous discomfort. While the staff at the center are no doubt knowledgeable, my friend, Bev, is truly a fount of information about chemo treatment and related matters. Her experience and research (in connection with her late husband’s lung cancer) are proving extremely valuable in understanding the chemo process and my response to it.

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Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed; to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only; pain we obey.

~ Marcel Proust ~

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I should drink some water and have a tiny bite to eat before we’re off to the cancer center. I would be perfectly happy to drive myself, but mi novia insists that she take charge of the wheel and accompany me. And I intensely appreciate that, of course. I would really rather not drive, especially because I am still sleepy-tired-fatigued-exhausted-whatever. Sometime after I return home, my wonderful sister-in-law will bring us some spicy turkey pumpkin chili (very nearly the best food on the planet, I think), which will no doubt awaken me and give me an enormous boost of energy. After consuming just one bowl of the stuff, I could easily sprint—full-speed—around the course of a full marathon and still have ample reserve of energy to do another one. Perhaps I am hallucinating, but probably not.

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Off we go to let the cancer people stab me.

Another grey, coolish day. I would like to slip back into bed and sleep for the next umpteen hours. Whether it was the very rare prime rib dinner I prepared last night or Monday’s injection I received at the cancer center, something caused me to feel approximately awful for much of the night. I was up at least five or six times. I do not feel much better this morning, either. I’ll get over it. The online order for groceries I placed yesterday afternoon will be ready for me to pick up between 8 and 9 this morning; I hope I feel moderately well within the next half hour. Ach. Perhaps I should take one of the anti-nausea pills the doctor prescribed for me; just in case. Blogging is not high on my list of priorities at the moment. On the other hand, I want to capture each day’s experience—but maybe not this morning’s experience. Headache, neck ache, upset stomach…the blahs. Why, I wonder, do I feel like I spent the night being punished for my taste in food? Medications for pain are not what I need. I need something to transform me into someone else for just a little while; someone better equipped to utterly ignore this unpleasantness that surrounds me.

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I have blogged enough for now. My energy and inclination both are insufficient to continue.

Injections that protect against infection but that cause bone pain. Pills that calm bone pain. More injections that address blood deficiencies that probably were caused by chemicals intended to kill cancer cells. It’s not overwhelming, by any means, but the process of treating this cancer so far seems convoluted and labyrinthine. Treating. That’s not the right word. Fighting is the appropriate term, I think, though I am not the one fighting it; the medical team is taking on that responsibility. My role is to follow orders. Do what I’m told. That is fine, of course, because I do not have all the weapons necessary to take on the obligation; they do. Ostensibly. But I do have insurance, so the astronomical costs of cancer treatment do not fall to me but, instead, to the insurers. I am extremely grateful to have that coverage. People who are not so fortunate can be—and often are—ruined financially when faced with attempting to pay for treatments after a diagnosis of cancer. And, of course, money troubles are not the only things so many people face when confronted with that diagnosis. They may face death—after prolonged periods of agonizing pain that cannot be overcome without unaffordable pain medications. This is not cheerful stuff. But it is reality. I am more than a little lucky that it is not and will not be my reality.

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Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.

~ Khalil Gibran ~

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More grey, dull, foggy skies. But at least the temperatures are well above freezing. The snow and ice are melting away the perils…of uncontrolled sliding on black ice into frigid waters cluttered with shattered chunks of ice. Even with more welcoming roads, though, I doubt I will go out and about much. I do not feel much like venturing out, though even though I drove to the cancer center yesterday, I am feeling a bit of cabin fever here in the house.

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I am (almost) in the mood to write personal letters to people who will not expect to receive them from me. Those people represent enormous numbers of folks, because no one expects to receive personal letters from me. My letters (if I write them), as I think I have said here before (a few years ago?), will not be hand-written because neither my handwriting nor my printing are legible. I rely exclusively on the keyboard to communicate on the page or screen. Hand-written letters carry more emotional weight than do typed messages, but in my case most of the meaning is lost in the illegibility of the words I try to place on the page. I have considered composing a generic “what’s up” letter and distributing it to a list of people with whom I have not maintained close contact in recent months and years. But that seems almost dismissive of whatever relationship I might have with the recipients. Personal letters are personal. They convey and emphasize the connections that one hopes exist between the writer and the recipient. Personal letters require focused thought…intent…emotion…caring…engagement.

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My intent during the weekend just ended was to phone a woman with whom I used to work some forty years ago (and with whom I have briefly communicated via email lately). But of course I got sidetracked and did not think of it until late yesterday. She still works, so free time is not as readily available to her as is mine. I find it interesting to think about a conversation with someone with whom one has had almost no contact for forty years. Aside from exchanging “this is my life” stories, what does one talk about? Perhaps I will find out in the not-too-distant future.

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Today, especially, this blog is basically a journal, a diary. I prefer to write about ideas. I prefer to muse with my fingers. I would rather explore thoughts that promise to open my mind a bit wider. But I will be satisfied with whatever I write today, no matter how dull or how poorly written. That is just the mood I am in. And off I go to think so more.

Yesterday, a friend braved the cold and ice to visit us for the afternoon. During our conversations, she told us about hearing of a practice, taken near the beginning of each year, of selecting a single word to help guide one’s daily motivations and activities during the course of the remainder of the year. She mused about what word she might select, saying she chose “energy” as the word she wished to use as her polestar for the year. She selected energy to serve as a reminder to build her energy daily and to channel her energy into areas of her life that would benefit from the attention. It took me almost no time to select “kindness” as my word; I want to constantly remind myself I do not know what people around me are going through—emotionally, physically, or otherwise—and for that reason, among many others, I should treat everyone with kindness. As I reflect on my choice, though, I question whether kindness is sufficiently practical; perhaps supportive or non-judgmental or tolerant or accepting or a hundred other words might be better drivers of concrete actions. Or, maybe focusing on how I interact with others is not the route to take; perhaps a better tactic would be to direct my attention to how I deal with my own emotional or intellectual challenges. Introversion comes to mind. Contemplation might be better. A word that provides impetus for me to more fiercely battle physical threats might be considerably more practical; but what word? After mulling about the matter overnight, I have not reached any unalterable conclusions. But I may be leaning in the direction of adapting the practice my friend described; choosing a word or an idea or a target of self-improvement or self-recovery that corresponds to the circumstances in which I find myself during any given stretch of time. Adapt. Maybe that’s the word. The concept merits more consideration…more intense thought. I enjoy this sort of self-exploration, though the results of the efforts—what I learn about who I am at any given moment—sometime disappoint me. Because I discover that, despite the amount of time and energy I devote to understanding who I am at my core, I do not know myself nearly as well as I should—or, at least, as well as I would like.

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By late this afternoon—when I am scheduled to return to the oncology clinic for an injection intended to fight potential infections arising from chemo’s negative effects on my immune systems—I hope temperatures a bit above freezing and water in the form of rain falling from the sky will make the roads less treacherous and friendlier to drive on. I know now I should plan on returning to the clinic the day after my chemo treatments for the injection; waiting a few days gives infections more time to take hold, something I want to avoid. I do not remember whether, during my chemotherapy five years ago, it was the chemo that sapped my energy or it was the radiation treatment. Or both. This time, I am dealing only with chemo for now and probably for the duration. I hope I will not be drained of my energy during the course of the chemo regimen. So many questions to ask, but too little time to ask them and a brain too scrambled to remember what to ask.

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For those of us with an inward turn of mind, which is another name for melancholy introspection, the beginning of a new year inevitably leads to thoughts about both the future and the past.

~ Michael Dirda ~

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We do not know what the past held for us until the future reveals where the past was taking us. “Now” is too immediate and demands too much of our distracted attention to be instructional. But when the future is now, as it often is, we are left to wonder whether we are giving our perceptions about the past adequate time to settle into actual knowledge and understanding. The answer to that nagging concern must always wait until the future has morphed into the past. And, of course, when we look backward in time, we must ask whether our perceptions are being colored by tinted glasses—rose, smoke, amber…anything but pure, unbridled clarity. Even then, it’s just a guess.

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It’s nearly 7, three hours after being rousted out of bed by a hungry, yowling cat. Only one demitasse of espresso so far. I believe I’ll have another. And a mug filled with cool water. Maybe another strawberry yoghurt, but probably not. Cereal? I looked up the various spellings of yoghurt. That spelling is common in the UK. In the US, the more preferred and more common spelling is yogurt. For some reason, my natural inclination in many cases in which words have a US and a UK spelling is to go with the UK spelling, usually without realizing I’ve chosen elements of language drawn from outside my country of birth. It’s the same with grey (my preferred spelling) and gray (the US default). None of these spelling issues will help me decide what to ingest next; perhaps a pair of dice would be more helpful. I’ll just go see. Daylight is beginning to show through the trees!

Competitive mind-manipulation is the process to which I am subjecting myself this morning. On one face of the process, I am shocking myself more thoroughly awake by drinking an intense demitasse of expresso. The other face attempts to sooth me by burning, across my desktop, a patchouli incense cone. Acknowledging and promoting two competing processes, experimental though it is, holds promise. Increasingly, I feel a profound, acute alertness—alongside a growing tranquility…unfortunately disturbed by a return of a mild headache. That headache that seemed to have left permanently two days ago returned to its aimless wandering, bringing it back around to me. Just an observation; not a well-defined complaint. The hoped-for payoff of the competitive mind-manipulation process is that I will approach tomorrow afternoon’s return to the oncologist’s office—for an injection—with serenity. In connection with what I envision as an uneventful drive through the freezing rain predicted for tomorrow before, during, and after my cancer clinic visit, I intend to feel an intensely (but extremely) laid-back sense of self-confidence and control; almost a beckoning welcome to all who come. I will practice this later today and tomorrow before I wander off through the ice and snow (and, probably, cold dry roads). Successful competitive mind-manipulation must be implemented slowly, like a spill of thick molasses making its way to the edge of a cold marble table-top.

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Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

~ Søren Kierkegaard ~

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This morning’s balmy temperature at 6:30 was 12°F. Then-current windchill would have made a person feel like the temperature was actually just 1°F. A twenty-one-degree boost is forecast to take place by mid-to-late afternoon. Tomorrow, though, below-freezing temperatures for most of the day will be accompanied by freezing rain and mixed precipitation.  All-wheel drive in the Subaru, I hope, will not turn the trek into town tomorrow into a stress-fest. Damnit, John! Stop infecting every passing thought with carcinogenic undertones and/or overtones.

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I made the call yesterday to close the church today, postponing the worship and new member recognition/installation service for two weeks hence. Though the temperatures are expected to rise during the day, the low double-digit temperatures of last night refroze snow and ice melt, no doubt. And the streets in so many places in the Village remain dangerously icy. So, after considering whether it would be safe to go ahead with today’s service, I figured delaying a Sunday service is far less potentially catastrophic than, after inviting people to attend, people getting injured or worse as they try to make their way to church. I made the call, incidentally (and for the record) after seeking input from the minister and a couple of others.

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Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.

~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr. ~

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I hope I soon will devour a big bowl of creamed salmon over rice. The idea of “comfort food” seems a bit corny to me, but I know it’s a real thing. Some people like carb-rich foods for comfort; others go for sweets; others, still, go for…who knows what? Creamed salmon over rice, with white pepper sprinkled on top of the creamed salmon, somehow takes me back to a time when I felt no insecurities, no existential fears, no real worries of any kind. I wonder how extremely young I must have been at that point in my life. Whenever it was, though, the deep, comforting appeal of creamed salmon somehow made it into my mind. And there it has stayed for lo these many years. My adoration of creamed salmon over rice competes neck-in-neck with Chinese congee, a savory rice porridge whose flavors can be transformed with just a few ingredients. I like to use a touch of ground pork, grated fresh ginger, chicken stock (in lieu of plain water) for boiling, soy sauce, sambal oelek, maybe some fish sauce, crispy fried shallot rings as a condiment…whatever. Back to my hopes. I do not expect them to be granted immediately or, for that matter, in a matter of weeks or months. It is not an expectation. It is more of an aspiration. I suppose.

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Even though I do not get out a lot on a regular basis, regardless of the weather, these last two weeks (more or less, yes?) of hospitalization and subsequent self-imposed isolation/quarantine have begun to make me stir-crazy. But I can take it. All I have to do is manipulate my mindset. This post seems to be all about manipulation; control of my external environment, my internal landscape, or a combination of the two. An attempt, I am now beginning to understand, to find a sustainable stability that will allow me to explore everything my mind holds. This exploration, by a 70-year-old man, may seem to some to be too late to start. I choose not to be limited by my age or any measure of how much more aging will be available to me. Instead, I will make strides toward places or ideas I have not seen for forty or fifty years. How far I get is not so important; finding the right map and following it is what counts.

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I am incredibly fortunate. In spite of coping with the heartaches and dangers we naturally encounter as we goes through life, I recognize how easy my life has been thus far. The “challenges” have been minor in comparison with the obstacles placed before people whose lives are defined by mental and/or physical pain. If I wake up every morning and give at least a few fleeting moments to thinking about this reality, I think it will make me even more grateful for my life and more empathetic toward people whose lives periodically spin into chaotic turmoil and pain.

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Good morning. It is a good morning, isn’t it?

Twenty-five hours after completing yesterday’s blog post, I started this one. Oh, I’ve interrupted myself a few times, but here it is. The cat’s been fed, I’ve weighed myself, taken a mouthful of medications, washed some dishes, measured my blood glucose, taken my blood pressure, and done a smidgeon of research to learn that one of the medications prescribed for me to take for two days post-chemotherapy is the culprit for consecutive sharp increases in my level of blood sugar yesterday and this morning. What a mouthful of words about my healthcare; it seems that topic commands all my attention in recent weeks. Though it bores me almost beyond tolerance, I myself drawn to explore just what is or may be happening to my physical self. Age and abuse individually take their toll; combined, they ramp up their ability to extract revenge for the passage of time and a steadfast attitude of invincibility. I would like to be able to take my mind off this dull stuff for a day or two, at least.

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The comments and wished-for desires notwithstanding…I had hoped I could return to my oncologist’s office yesterday to receive a required injection, but that was not to be. The medication is not kept on hand in the cancer center (must be ordered from the pharmacy) and cannot be allowed to “sit” for long; it will be ordered to arrive Monday afternoon. So, even though yesterday’s road conditions (bad, but not horrible, on many streets in the Village) were said to be better than what can be expected Monday, I will have to make my way back to the cancer center late Monday for the shot. I was afraid of that. So it is. Cancer treatment interrupts one’s day-to-day experiences. And it demands confronting undesirable situations—like attempting to drive over black ice on hilly terrain. Poor, poor, pitiful me. I must try harder not to whine; I realize the circumstances facing me are far, far, far less grueling and onerous than those confronting many, many, many other cancer patients. Patience and humility are the watchwords of the day.

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Brilliance does not necessarily correspond with perfection. Flaws—even deep, damaging ones—are found in some of the most brilliant minds. I believe the reason that is possible is because brilliance is not all-encompassing. It may be broad (though usually is not), but normalcy or even sub-normalcy often share the same brain with it. For example, Frank Lloyd Wright exhibited brilliance in architecture, but even in his profession he was imperfect. My understanding is that many of his flat-roofed buildings leaked, but he insisted on maintaining the designs that allowed that to happen. A Wright quotation might provide an explanation for that insistence: “Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance and hypocritical humility. I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.” A brilliant man with an over-abundance of self-confidence. Critical open-mindedness may be the best defense against indefensible self-confidence. By that I mean a willingness to entertain concepts or ideas counter to one’s own and to give them a fair, unbiased assessment before deciding for or against their legitimacy.

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Out of the blue, during the last few weeks, I have daydreamed about career paths I could have pursued during my working life. During these reveries, I found myself enamored with medicine, law, industrial engineering, farming, forestry, psychology, sociology, and on and one. Every one of those pursuits has high potential for any practitioner to make significant contributions to humankind, which I suppose contributes quite a lot to my fantasies about what paths I might have taken. Simply having such visions is probably the height of arrogance; they assume I have the capacity to achieve such stations in life. Several of those career paths could position one to make contributions worthy of a Nobel Prize. I “chose” (fell into, actually) association management, instead. Rather than a Nobel Prize recipient, an association executive is more likely to be compared to be Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association. I suppose these fantasies are based largely on ego, though I with I could say with certainty they are based more on a desire to make contributions to humankind. Could I honestly say, if I was notified that I was to be a recipient, I would anonymously suggest the Nobel Prize be give to someone else, someone more deserving? Impossible to say, as I’ve never been in that position. But I have made a career of reflective thought.

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Food for thought:

Affliction is the wholesome soil of virtue, where patience, honor, sweet humility, and calm fortitude, take root and strongly flourish.

~ David Mallet ~

I was reminded yesterday that black ice can challenge even big, heavy, four-wheel-drive vehicles. The truck in which I was riding lost traction (at very slow speed) and slid off the road onto a slope that led to an ice-filled pond. Fortunately, we stopped sliding before plunging into the icy water. With time and some skilled maneuvering by the guy driving the truck, I made it to my chemotherapy appointment just a shade over an hour late. I am enormously grateful for the ride. If I had been driving my car, I suspect I would have abandoned the effort to drive over long stretches of black ice to make my way to clear roads.

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Loneliness is and always has been the central and inevitable experience of every man.

~ Thomas Wolfe ~

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The recent—and ongoing—cold snap illustrates how quickly and completely Nature can overwhelm humans’ capacity to cope with a changing environment. Frigid air coupled with precipitation stops us in our tracks; we cannot safely walk, drive, or otherwise traverse the ground just outside our abodes. While some places are more used to the brutality of winter than others, nowhere are even the most prepared able to overcome Nature’s ferocity. Watching the weather take command of our ability to move should give us humility; we should simply acknowledge that we are the weaker in a contest between humans and weather. But we don’t. We attempt to act as if we are in control. That is a silly mistake; sometimes simply embarrassing, sometimes deadly.

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The time as I write this is 4:13 a.m. I woke around 1:30, expecting to be up just long enough to have a drink of water; that expectation dissolved as I became more acutely conscious. I cannot recall everything I have done in the nearly three hours since I got out of bed; odd, isn’t it, that time continues on even while one’s consciousness seems to stall. One thing on my mind during the last three hours has to do with the people with whom I spent time in the oncology treatment room yesterday. No matter how intense the treatments, some of the people in that room probably do not have much time left in their lives. Others will overcome cancer to live long, enjoyable, cancer-free lives. Still others will benefit from treatment to the extent that they will temporarily overcome cancer for a while; long enough to embrace the lessons that cancer gives: live your life to the fullest while you can. Yesterday, one guy who like me was there for his first treatment talked to another patient in a voice loud enough for all to hear. He said he put his full faith in God; whether the chemotherapy worked for him was entirely in God’s hands, he asserted. That belief must be soothing; otherwise, the reality of having cancer is bound to cause at least a little anxiety. But is that really true? Acceptance of human mortality—one’s own and others’—can reduce and maybe even eliminate that anxiety. The words of Lobsang Tenzin offer a wise perspective, I think:

No one can avoid death; it is inevitable. Therefore, I should create in my mind a kind of willingness and accepting for that event without any fear.

~ Lobsang Tenzin ~

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I must return to the cancer center, either today or Monday, to get an injection intended to offer protection against infections (the chemicals used in chemotherapy can damage one’s immune system). The weather both days is expected to be a continuation of yesterday’s; maybe even more so. When I was treated for cancer five years ago, an automated injection packet (Nuelasta) was affixed to my abdomen so that, at a pre-programmed time, I was given the necessary injection. Since then, though, insurance companies have refused to cover that mode of delivery of the treatment, according to my oncologist. Damn. The prospect of driving in to Hot Springs is not at all appealing. The major challenge is simply getting out of the Village; the highways and roadways outside the Village are (or were yesterday) safely passable. Such is life; another challenge to face and overcome.

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The time is approaching 4:45. I will return to bed and try to sleep some more. I am not going to place any bets as to the degree of success I will enjoy in that attempt. If nothing else, I can muse over these musings…that might well put me to sleep.

Bizarre, unpleasant dreams filled part of my night, attempting to ruin what could have been some relaxing moments of sleep. That odd space between wakefulness and sleep can be brutal; on one hand, one is aware that a dream is, in fact, a dream, but on the other hand there is nothing one can do to combat the artificial reality the dream brings about. I cannot seem to get my mind off the fact that my cancer has returned, though that is not part of my dreams. But I cannot help but think that fact influences the way my mind works while I sleep—having an effect on what and how I dream. Or maybe I am just allowing my mind to scramble like eggs. Ach!

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Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

~ Lao Tzu ~

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Thanks to my sister-in-law, my late wife’s sister, I am getting a ride to my first chemotherapy appointment this morning. My SIL arranged for her friend, who has an enormous pickup, to drive me to and from my appointment, sparing me the stress of driving on treacherous roads that may be covered with black ice, refrozen from yesterday afternoon’s snow melt. Her friend is a genuinely good guy; the world could use more like him. He is no doubt better equipped than I, too, to maneuver these streets in hilly terrain. I am extremely grateful to my SIL and her friend—people who care.

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Once again yesterday, in an attempt to battle my damn headaches, I slept quite a lot. Only by resting horizontally in bed was I able to minimize the annoying pain. Somehow, as I mentioned in yesterday’s post (I think), I was able to get to sleep through the headache. I wonder whether the headaches are caused by anxiety/stress? The doctors in the hospital were unable to find any physical causes or triggers.

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I will leave for my chemotherapy in a few minutes. I may write more later today. Or maybe not.

Yesterday was a sleep day. I slept, or tried to sleep, for most of the day. The ache that has been hounding me, off and on, for weeks decided to take up semi-permanent residence in my head. Sleeping was the only way to combat the symptoms, so I slept. I am not sure how a person can muscle through the pain and get to sleep, but I did it several times during the day. Every time I woke, though, the headache was waiting for me. Though the headache was not the reason I spent last week in the hospital, it took up time and energy from the medical staff, who sought to determine the cause and who tried to ease the pain. A brain CT-scan revealed nothing out of the ordinary. And the rather weak pain remedies the medical staff administered did little to reduce the throbbing, aching, deeply annoying headache. The pain was not excruciating, but it interrupted my ability to enjoy being conscious. My headache may be related to tight muscles in my shoulders, neck, and lower skull (that’s my assessment, not the doctors’), but so far I have not been given any muscle relaxants nor received a long, comforting massage.

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Be soft in your practice.
Think of the method as a fine silvery stream,
not a raging waterfall.
Follow the stream, have faith in its course.
It will go its own way,
meandering here, trickling there.
It will find the grooves, the cracks, the crevices.
Just follow it.
Never let it out of your sight.
It will take you.

~ Sheng-Yen ~

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The temperature outside is a chilly 5°F again, but the wind chill is only -6°F. Later today, the high temperature is expected to reach 37°F for a couple of hours, though I doubt that brush with the sun will do much to melt the snow and ice covering the roads. Tomorrow morning at 8:15, I have my first chemo-therapy appointment. I hope the roads are not too icy to make the trip into town.

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Reading and re-reading the words of Sheng-Yen, I understand more today than I did yesterday. With enough time and focus and willing acceptance, I can understand things I never thought about before. That is a welcome experience.

The sky is blue, the air is “brisk” (5°F, feels like -9°F), and my head is pounding. My broken blog has been fixed…to some extent…but the individual posts are not viewable. The “fixes” cost me several hundred dollars, which I suppose is a reasonable investment, inasmuch as the blog is, essentially, my “hobby.” But I wish I could simply turn the entire project over to someone who would take care of all of the glitches; I am losing my patience to deal with the minutia of managing a blogsite/website. My patience seems to be shattering into a thousand pieces, courtesy of this damn pounding headache. And I worry that the roads on Thursday will remain icy and unsafe as I prepare for my early morning chemotherapy appointment. I am ravenously hungry for something like an apple fritter or biscuits and gravy or hashbrowns  and a couple of rashers of bacon. But if I could fall quickly and deeply asleep, I would, opting for sleep over sustenance. I’m tired of screwing around with blog-related irritations. My tensions are growing more and more brittle. I keep asking myself “what’s the point?” The answer I give is completely unsatisfactory. What I need is a heavy dose—maybe multiple doses—of morphine; something to deaden mental and physical pain. Enough of this ranting. It’s almost a quarter after 8 and I am utterly unproductive and unhappy with my head. Maybe I’ll try an early morning nap, something that might last through the day.

A friend who—rather unexpectedly—visited me in the hospital last week happened to be at church yesterday morning. We conversed briefly but did not have the chance to spend much time visiting before the service began. Because by the time the post-service group discussion took place I was not feeling quite as energetic as I had before the service, mi novia and I went home, so I did not have the opportunity to talk with him afterward. During the time of  his hospital visit and yesterday, while we chatted, we touched on several topics about which we share similar perspectives. Yet time and circumstances did not permit much conversation in either situation. As I reflect on our brief interactions, the importance of carving out time to talk to people—the way he carved out time to visit me in the hospital—occurred to me. Only by actively pursuing for ourselves, and the people around us, the chance to engage can we maximize the opportunities to enrich our lives and those of others. By stopping by the hospital to see me, my friend illustrated that it does not take herculean efforts to make those kinds of connections—but it takes a little time and intention and an appreciation for the importance of engagement.

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Food brings people together; often, offering food to people is a sign of friendship. Lately (and many times in the past), I have witnessed and benefitted from the connections between offerings of food and the confirmation of relationships. Chili, baklava, chicken pot pie, pound cakes, lovely spreads of hors d’oeuvres, nuts, crackers, cookies, and many other delicious expressions of friendship and love have made their ways into my home, delivered by people with whom I have developed close connections. Recognizing and acknowledging those offerings as they are delivered or accepted informs me of the power of food in relationships. And I have prepared and offered food to others as a means of enhancing and cementing our relationships. Reflecting, after the fact, on how sharing—whether giving or receiving—food reminds me of just how powerful the act of “feeding” one another can be. Eating just for fuel, especially when the opportunity exists to use food as a way to connect with other people, seems to me to rob one of the chance to strengthen interpersonal bonds. Sharing food—whether elaborate cuisine or simple cheese and crackers—with others can be a highly meaningful and purposeful act of love. Offering food to a friend or acquaintance can be translated as a statement: “You matter to me and I want our relationship to grow; I want to be close to you.” It may sound corny; so be it. Corny can be a profound attestation of intent.

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Much of the last week has been unpleasant, with admission to the hospital by way of the emergency room to address pneumonia and COPD among other kinds of medical unhappiness. I am home now, feeling much better but still battling symptoms I would rather have left at the hospital; such is life. Aside from continuing to deal with those symptoms, I am readying myself to take on another battle against lung cancer, which has returned after a five-year hiatus. Later this week, another treatment regimen is scheduled to begin: chemotherapy in the form of two powerful anti-cancer drugs and immunotherapy in a form I have not yet come to fully understand. If my body responds as the oncologist and I (and mi novia) expect and hope, there will be just four courses of chemo, spaced three weeks apart. Simultaneously, immunotherapy will be in play; it, though, will continue after the chemo is complete, for a total of two years. These plans assume, of course, that the cancer responds as desired to the treatments. Were that not to be the case, adjustments in either the types of chemo drugs/immunotherapy and the forms or length of treatment will be made. Unfortunately, the chemotherapy port installed in my chest before chemo began five years ago was removed just a couple of months ago; so, I will either deal with needles in my veins or I will have another port implanted—to be determined. The auto-injected Neulasta (a drug to reduce the risk of infection…and, I thought, nausea…during chemotherapy) was used during my last treatments, but apparently is no longer approved by insurance, due to cost. So, instead of having an automatically injected dose delivered the day after chemo, I gather I may have to return to the clinic the day after chemo treatment for an anti-infection injection; I will try to learn more and clarify later this week when I begin the treatment process. Even though I have gone through this before, I am entering this second experience in a state of mild confusion about exactly what will be involved in my treatment. I know I will have regular CT-scans and a lot of blood draws to measure the extent to which the treatments are or are not working. But, at this stage, it appears I will not have to undergo radiation treatments, a fact I appreciate enormously. Whether I will be as fatigued as I was last time around, what side-effects the treatments will have, etc., etc. are questions I hope to have answered later this week. My oncologist visited me twice while I was in the hospital this week, but I was not sufficiently clear-headed to ask (or remember the answers to) the right questions. Mi novia will be with me Thursday, so I will depend on her to help me wade through the questions. So…onward through the fog of chemotherapy!

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The weather is brutally cold (8°F at the moment). As I look out the window, I see that it has begun to snow again, after an inch or two (I think) overnight. I wish I had called the propane company week before last to refill the propane cylinders; damn it! Both the cylinders are either empty or quite low, so the warming glow of a fire in the fireplace will have to wait until we can get them re-filled. Today’s weather (and road closures of the hilly terrain in our area) will delay that for quite some time. I was not an especially good Boy Scout.   Okay…time to watch the snow fall and just…chill (but not too much, I hope).

An absence from my blog feels odd to me, as if I have been incarcerated for several days as punishment for an inexcusable infringement of rules I had not realized I had so badly broken. Returning to write, even a few brief paragraphs, feels like a test of my commitment to “doing better” than the previous behavior—the behavior that had caused the abrupt withdrawal of my freedom to think publicly with my fingers.

The reason for the lack of new posts these last several days is that I was admitted to the hospital on Tuesday afternoon, after a very unpleasant Monday afternoon and evening and Tuesday morning. The unpleasantness was caused by a combination of pneumonia, COPD, and a longer-than-reasonable refusal to take action to resolve my symptoms by letting healthcare professionals take charge. I finally did that on Tuesday; the doctors and nurses immediately took charge and treated me like a needy patient, which is what I was (and, to an extent, remain).

At any rate, I was released from the hospital yesterday and am home now, committed to following medical advice.  I will follow this brief post with another, dealing with my upcoming cancer treatments, later today or tomorrow. And I will try to return to writing about matters unrelated to my health—matters more interesting and more meaningful than an account of the medical journeys of a temporarily feeble old man.

For now, a brief visit to a very cold Sunday morning Insight service at church, followed by bundling up at home in preparation for several days of brutally cold weather, which possibly will include considerable snow and maybe icy conditions.

Just minutes after confirming an appointment with a chiropractor’s office this morning (to have some work done on tight muscles in my neck and shoulders that I think may be responsible for my headaches), my oncologist’s office called to reschedule my CT-guided needle biopsy. It had been scheduled for Friday; they want me to show up TODAY, at noon. Fortunately, I am flexible (and so is mi novia) so I can go in today; I need someone to drive after the procedure. I still do not have a new date scheduled for the post-biopsy visit with my oncologist; and I still have not had my MRI-scan of my brain scheduled. Frustrations with healthcare scheduling processes are not new to me, but they remain just as frustrating as always.

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My mind is not behaving the way it should. Instead of rational thought, it has been engaging in irrational fantasy. For example, while I was still in bed this morning—at least half asleep—my thoughts focused on trying to coordinate hundreds of smoked cheeses and golden rings of barbeque sauces. The confusion of those thoughts was so complex that I dare not even try to describe it here. But I remember distinctly that the point of my attempted coordination was to stop sweating so profusely; the bed was awash in perspiration. And it had another point: to make the flavors work together. WTF? It made good sense in my incoherent semi-sleep, but as I try to recall it now, it makes no sense whatsoever. I worry about myself when such odd stuff tumbles out of my brain.

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Whenever I can arrange my schedule with some degree of real control, I am going to either go to the chiropractor’s office or to a massage therapist. The muscles in my neck and shoulders are screaming for something to ease the tension and pain. The electrical gadgetry that is found in chiropractors’ offices, used by technicians, have made me feel happy in years past. So have massages. Perhaps both should be on my agenda. I would pay handsomely for something that would eliminate the pains.

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This is enough of an attempt…a failed attempt…at writing. I may not be capable of writing any more. That is a scary thought.

As if cancer isn’t enough, some sort of virus (or whatever) has either returned or has come out of hibernation. The symptoms: headache, chills, fever, fatigue…and perhaps a few others that do not come immediately to mind. I have been wrapped in heavy blankets so I can keep just tolerably warm. Sleeping seems to be my favorite pass-time. Headaches and neckaches and other achiness are my constant companions. The symptoms are mostly annoying, not truly troublesome. But I am impatient with all these damn annoyances. I’ve been avoiding crowds for a week or more (at least), as part of my efforts to remain COVID-free and flu-free in preparation for my upcoming CT-guided biopsy; I do not want illness to get in the way of moving ahead with a treatment regimen. This paragraph is a health rant; I do not like to write health rants, but experiencing them is even less appealing. Maybe, if I ignore my symptoms, they will go away?

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The day outside my window looks beautiful; blue skies, little or no breeze…but the temperature is a bit on the low side (43°F now, on the way to 52°F ). Thanks in part to one of my symptoms (the inability to get and stay warm), I dare not go out to face temperatures that could trigger another round of chills. So I look out the window and feel grateful that my house is, for now, warm and cozy.

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Enough…yet again, I seem unable to write anything of consequence. My head is full of ideas that do not belong there. I will try again tomorrow.

I was up early enough to spill my early morning thoughts onto the screen. Thanks to feeling unwell, though (and an obnoxiously loud, yowling cat), I was slow to follow my routine. The predictable headache is now accompanied by an upset stomach, a complaint I rarely have. I think I will blame yesterday’s much-larger-than-reasonable breakfast at the Track Kitchen (after leaving mi novia’s car for service) and last night’s pizza (delivery) for the latter complaint. If the discomfort lasts long, I will return to bed and sleep it off; perhaps several Tums tablets might help.

Reporting one’s maladies to people who have better things to do than read about them is bad form. I will stop, then, at least briefly. Instead, I will write something completely unrelated.

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We watched Good Grief last night, a recently released film written by, directed by, and starred in by Daniel Levy (who was a major character in Schitt’s Creek). The film—a romantic comedy to a limited extent but more a dramatic expression of coping with loss—was well done, but I think I just was not in the mood for it last night. Mi novia liked it quite a lot; I appreciated it and was glad when it ended. From what I’ve read, the critics are raving about it; very positive reviews. I may have odd taste in film, so if I were someone who had not seen the film and was looking for feedback about it, I would go with the critics.

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Nothing excites me this morning; I suppose I am reacting to feeling unwell, but I suspect I am allowing myself to think unhappy thoughts—thoughts I should refuse to think—to crowd out more upbeat thinking. Headaches tend to do that. They intrude on one’s positive attitudes, quickly spinning webs around them like spiders on speed. The webs are thick and surprisingly strong, so cutting through them with psychic scalpels is a long, tedious, and difficult process. I suspect there are pills that cause the webs to loosen and melt away, releasing positive attitudes that overtake the intruders; I want some of those pills. Happy pills.

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Once again, I feel discombobulated; my thoughts have no cohesive links. They are not worth sharing, even with myself. So I shall stop again. I look forward to a time when I can write something of which I can be rightfully proud. That time is not now.

Thick, grey skies. Snow showers. Rain. Slick roads. Cold winds that blow through even the heaviest coats. Tree branches draped with melting snow. Promises of icy conditions as temperatures fall later today and tonight. I believe the words drab, dingy, dismal, and bleak were coined to describe just such circumstances. An early morning drive to town to leave mi novia’s car for routine maintenance verified the meaning of those words. Much faster than expected completion of service on her car had us driving our respective vehicles back home far sooner than we expected. The return trip home reiterated the meaning of the words. Sitting here in my study, peering out the windows, I think I see those words superimposed on my vision of the forest outside. I feel those words as I wonder whether I will ever feel warm and comfortable again. And, now, in this early afternoon, the bleakness of the cold, snow-drench forest is amplified by periodic waves of fog that dims my vision of the frigid trees.  Until this very moment, I have never felt a deep longing to rest on warm tropical beaches; but, now, that longing is powerful. So strong that its magnetic pull on me is almost impossible to resist. Unfortunately, other unpleasant circumstances place obstacles before me, preventing me from surrendering to the desire for a healing tropical paradise. Damn.

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I wonder whether certain emotions are governed more by the physical configurations of a person’s brain (nature) than by his mental/psychological evolution during the course of his maturation (nurture)? Both anger/rage and pronounced emotionality (e.g., easily brought to tears) might owe their existence to physical attributes of the brain. Hah! So much work has been done on this concept that finding evidence to support any theory is simple, quick, and easy. Perhaps.

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Today’s snowy conditions (but not icy…yet) make me think of what I might have to deal with when the time comes for my cancer treatments. Thinking of the need to drive to town for chemo in the midst or the aftermath of an ice storm is a sobering thought. It’s unpleasant enough to deal with needles full of chemicals; add a frightening drive on ice to the mixture and it becomes downright nasty. It’s too early to think of these “what if” scenarios, though. I tell myself not to worry because I do not control the weather; suddenly, though, that admonition seems utterly foolish, as if I would be susceptible to such a blatantly absurd attempt to control my emotions.

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I have never been the sole occupant of a dinghy—with no way to communicate with anyone, anywhere—in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. But I think I know exactly how it must feel.

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Perhaps I will be up early enough tomorrow to write a blog post based on my early-morning thinking. This afternoon crap just won’t do.

This published post will be number 4,560 in this blog; another 550 drafts await either my decision to revise or to delete them. Having written more than 5,000 posts for this blog, alone, I have to believe there must be something worth reading among all of them.  When I take the time to rummage through old posts, I am pleased to stumble upon some I particularly like. And that experience invariably leads me to think—again—about extracting what I consider the best of what I have written, editing it, and assembling the collection into a book. Dreams. Just dreams. I just may be too old. “He published his first—and only—book at age 70.” Yeah, I may have exceeded the point of ripeness.

Some days are gentler than others, the usually hard corners worn just soft enough to make them malleable.  Those are the days when, after hours of dappled brightness, night comes on slowly, as if the light in the sky was draining the way water drains from a wet sponge left in the sink.  Orange skies become pink, then drift into cloudy purples and, finally, into dull grey blackness, with just enough light to see, but not enough to expose the jagged edges of the night.

If I were to spend any more time looking at old posts, I would find myself awash in snippets I find especially appealing. But that would be time spent stroking my own ego. I do not have the time this morning; I am off for my second visit to a therapist. This time, I suspect the conversation will revolve around the resurgence of cancer. Ach. When will I have time to make a book? What else demands my time? It is a matter of priorities, interests, and willingness to treat the endeavor as worthy of my investment of time. Those may be the biggest obstacles; I probably am not the best judge of my writing and I certainly will not ask not ask anyone else to undertake the laborious task of reading all my posts and determining which, if any, are worthy of inclusion in a collection. That effort might turn into an enormous disappointment if, after untold hours of reading and pondering, the outcome were to reveal that there’s nothing of consequence in all those posts.

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Returning to my old habits, I got up this morning before 4:30. Feeding the cat at that hour was a futile exercise in attempting to quell her yowling. Drinking two espressos simply confirmed that I was, and will remain, awake. Writing this post did little but exercise my fingers. Two hours have passed since I awoke—two hours I have more or less wasted on unproductive endeavors. I forgive myself for being non-productive, though; living 70 years so far has earned for me the right to sit and simply think. The constant question, though, is whether I have 70 years of incremental life experience or simply one year of life experience repeated 70 times. If I am being generous with myself, I would say I probably have 35 years of incremental life experience and one year of life experience repeated 35 times.

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I am scheduled to have a set of pre-procedure tests (probably just blood draws) on January 10, followed by the CT-guided biopsy on January 12. The results of the biopsy should be back in the hands of my oncologist by the time I meet with her on January 17, at which point I expect to learn details of her recommended treatment plan, which I think will almost certainly include both chemo and immunotherapy. My discussion with M.D. Anderson in Houston was not especially satisfactory; until I complete their paperwork to become a “new patient,” they seem to have little interest in talking to me. Still, I may explore that again after I meet with my oncologist. It all depends…

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Time for me to shower, shave, and otherwise make myself look moderately presentable. I have a semi-full calendar today, which is about as full as I want the calendar to get. Leisure time and freedom from obligations are my desires of late. Decompression. I may look into getting a massage; my neck, shoulders, and back seem to have been getting increasingly tense lately, leading (perhaps) to a constant low-grade headache. The massage therapist comes highly recommended by mi novia’s ex-husband, who generously provided spaghetti sauce for last night’s dinner. Okay, John, enough procrastination; get to it.

My fingers continue to rest on the keyboard, awaiting instructions from my brain. They—my fingers—have waited for at least half an hour, expecting signals to flood the nerves in my hand any second. But nothing happens; as if my brain is sending no impulses to my fingers. Instead of feeling an urge to tap the keys, my fingers feel like they have been anesthetized and wrapped in thick pieces of cloth that prevent them from moving. Thoughts that normally flow through my fingers, instead, stay locked up in my head. That is just an assumption, of course; are there any thoughts there, in fact? Or have all the thoughts turned to vapor; lost to the atmosphere?

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Perhaps some thoughts have been frozen in place, rather than turning to vapor. If so, maybe I will be able to thaw them during the course of the day. Maybe I will spill them onto the keyboard and into the screen. But probably not. Not today.

A tangled swirl of unwelcome thoughts ruins any hope for sleep and serenity. Last night, the idea of a warm flannel cocoon was appealing. This morning, resting in a tub of very hot water—which conforms to the shape of my body—seems more attractive. Both, though, would be ideal only if accompanied by an empty mind and dreamless sleep. I dreamed last night that an incompetent plumbing contractor was attempting to arrange for the repair of a ruptured water pipe. His crew was to completely resurface a swimming pool, as well. But another contractor showed up with bad news about another serious issue with an underground pipe. I was upset and angry with the plumbing contractors, but equally angry with myself for my ignorance of the problems; I hated having to rely of the contractors, one of whom I knew was utterly inept. I want that sort of dream to leave me. I want to be unconscious and unaware while I sleep, not tormented by a keen recognition of my incoherence and confusion.

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This morning’s sky is a very smooth blend of pastels: pink, blue, grey, and white. Like watercolors, but more evenly blended than one might normally see. The pink seems to brighten just a bit, turning into the color of a salmon or a peach, with almost imperceptible hints of orange. When the sky’s variations are indistinct, the way they are now, trying to determine which colors are actually visible and which are products of the imagination is a challenge that requires focused attention. The demand for focus is both exhausting and exhilarating; it draws my thoughts away from matters I would rather ignore and forget. Watching morning light unfold in the sky each day can be both a repetitive, boring undertaking and an introduction to an endless opportunity to experience the world anew. Sometimes, that latter opportunity is hard to seize, simply because so many that have gone before have not lived up to their promise.

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Today’s obligations grate at me like sandpaper. By the time I force myself to meet them, my skin and my brain will be raw and caked with drying blood. Fortunately, the ruptured water pipe was just a dream; I can rinse away the residue and prepare for the next obligation.

The first day of the New Year provides a convenient milestone, a moment ideal for declaring a fresh start. Then, again, the first Thursday of every month offers the same opportunity, as does the first day of each week. When we want or need a moment to serve as a marker of a new beginning, we choose whatever artificial origination point that suits us. That power of choice allows us to begin anew if we stumble. Whether we opt to select a new week, a new month, a new sunrise, or some other moment, any occasion that is to our liking gives us a chance for a clean start. Today, January 1, is as good a moment as any to declare a rebirth of optimism and all the good, positive things that flow from it. That having been said, behaving like a Pollyanna is pointless. Achieving desired objectives requires effort and the willingness to confront and overcome challenges. An awareness of those necessary components of success goes a long way toward reaching a figurative destination.

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The grey skies of recent days are no longer. Today, as I look out my window, I see blue sky beyond the naked hardwoods and evergreens. Though the sky is not a deep cerulean blue, it is sufficiently clear and readily fits into the definition of “sky blue,” which can be any shade of blue one wishes. The horizon, though, seems lighter…almost white. The transition between blue and white is so indistinct that I find it impossible to know where blue ends and white begins; there seems to be no ending and no beginning to those colors in the sky. Infinity is somehow captured in that part of the celestial color wheel that we choose to call “blue.” We might as well call it “clarence.” What’s in a name, after all?

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My desk is littered with paper, pens, notebooks, magazines, and all manner of other evidence of my laziness. For days, I’ve been thinking of clearing the desktop; putting things away where they belong. But it’s mostly just thought. Very little action. My dormant motivation must be buried under some of the piles of stuff before me. I would peer beneath some of them to look for it, but my inclination to do so is sorely lacking.

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A week ago, I allowed myself to play with the idea of buying a new car. That idea is no longer even remotely interesting to me. And I cannot even fathom how I found it appealing in the least. Importance is contextual. Everything is.

The fact that I have a fascination with Time has been privately called to my attention. I do not disagree; in fact, I would go almost as far as agreeing that my interest in Time is a shallow obsession (shallow in that my interest is not sufficient to push me to delve deeply into the concept of Time). Humans have manipulated Time from the very beginning (which calls into question…when was the true “beginning?”). The Gregorian Calendar we use today has been in effect only since October 1582, when it replaced the Julian Calendar, which took the place of the ten-month Roman Calendar. We assume today’s Gregorian Calendar provides us with the “true” measure of Time and will, therefore, last into eternity and beyond. But humans are fickle, as evidenced by the fact that we continue to tamper with Time; twice each year, large swaths of humanity agree to adjust their clocks an hour forward or back, transforming the period of time we call a day by establishing one 23-hour day in early spring and one 25-hour day in the middle of fall. Looking into history, I believe it was the Roman Calendar that was ten months long and began in March. Today is the last day of the year; tomorrow will be a new, entirely artificial, beginning. But tomorrow already is today in New Zealand and other places in the far reaches of Planet Earth. People in those places have an edge on those of us who remain trapped in the year 2023. They know how the new year began. The rest of us are coming late to the game. Yet all of us—those of us still living in 2023 and those now experiencing the nascent new year of 2024—exist at the same time…if not for knowing the entire idea of Time is a human concept, our minds might melt as we tried to understand…

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Though I keep trying, I have not yet been able to completely clear my mind of worry. “What if…,” I keep asking myself. And, as I think of a million things I need to do, I get frustrated that the actions I need and want to take are hampered by the fact that yet another holiday is making “normal” life impossible. Tomorrow will be just one week to the day since the last holiday. If we had lived our entire lives with at least one weekly holiday, along with a weekend (for those of us fortunate enough to be free of some “normal” obligations on the weekend), we all might be happier, more relaxed, and free. But that idea conflicts with the stresses and strains and worries that holiday shut-downs cause. We want free time, but we want that time to be readily available for us to be slaves to our worries. Ach!

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Last night, mi novia and I discussed my desire to know what my oncologist really thinks about my condition. How likely is it, I wonder, that whatever treatments I undergo for my cancer will eliminate the cancer? Is my one-year or two-year or five-year survival likely? These are not morbid thoughts, they are practical concerns. Knowing the odds of progression (or lack thereof) of the cancer could help determine which of my millions things to do should be given priority.

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I intend to call M.D. Anderson Cancer Center on Tuesday to explore the possibility and practicality of getting treatment there, versus here in Hot Springs. Exploring options is not equivalent to clutching at straws. Though I have confidence in the oncologists here, I just want to consider options that might be available to me and at what cost in terms of time, emotions, and money. Money, I think, is the least of my worries, given my Medicare supplemental insurance. But I have been surprised before, so I make no assumptions as to what I might learn.

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We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don’t allow our bodies to heal, and we don’t allow our minds and hearts to heal.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh ~

I slept a lot and rested even more during the last two weeks. Today, even though that sleep and rest seems to have helped rid me of the virus (or whatever) I had, I feel more than a shade of mental exhaustion. The cause, I assume, is related to the cancer diagnosis. Even though I expected it, actually seeing the results of the PET-scan and hearing the oncologist talk about the “bright” spots on the PET-scan images seems to have sapped my mental energy. I really need to pay heed to Thich Nhat Hanh’s implicit admonition; rest and relax and abandon worry to my body and my mind can more quickly and completely heal.

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I began writing this post before 7 this morning; it is now nearing 11. Coming back to it and finishing it gives me a modest sense of accomplishment. Now I need to rest and relax; my plan was to shower and shave this morning, but I give myself permission to wait until this afternoon. In the meantime, I will do my damnedest to relax and rest.

For five years, follow-up visits with the oncologist confirmed the success of my lung cancer surgery and the chemotherapy and radiation treatment that followed. But, then, a blood test (CEA, carcinoembryonic antigen) indicated a possible return of cancer. When a follow-up CT scan revealed undesirable physical changes that more strongly suggested recurrence of the disease, a PET-scan was ordered. The PET-scan showed several areas of likely recurrent/metastatic disease. Within the next several days, a biopsy of the left supraclavicular lymph node will be taken to confirm recurrence and to verify the recurrence is the same type of cancer treated five years before.

The treatment probably will include chemotherapy; if radiation therapy is used, it will be quite limited. Within two weeks, I should have a clearer idea of the recommended plan of treatment. My assumption is that the original cancer was an easier target because the one tumor was large and well-defined and, therefore, was an obvious candidate for surgery. The latest version is, I believe, more diffuse; not suitable for either radiation or surgery. Chemo and  immunotherapy apparently are the best options.

The follow-up CT scan that revealed the changes was originally scheduled more than a week ago, but I was knocked down by some kind of non-specific viral something-or-other that made me decide to postpone the scan. I probably should have gone ahead with it, anyway, but it’s a bit late to cry over spilt milk. Such is life. At any rate, planning for the treatment process has begun.

This morning, I skimmed several blog posts from the original cancer experience five years ago. I had forgotten just how draining the treatment process was. I suppose I’ll have generally the same kind of experience this time, except (I hope) for the misery of 30 radiation treatments. I have aged five years, of course, which means my body is five years older and weaker. With good fortune and some luck, I will survive this newest bout of cancer for another five years (I hope considerably more). The battle begins anew.