Daydreams and Fantasies

I sometimes daydream about sitting on desolate rocky outcroppings where a continent meets a rough ocean. Waves crash against huge stones, slowly turning the solid landmass into grey boulders and then into pebbles. Eventually, in my mind’s eye, the pebbles will wear down, into sand. In the interim, though, I watch the slow motion transformation of the intersection between land and water. I wonder how I came to be perched at the edge of two distinct worlds; one about which I know almost nothing and the other about which I know only a little more. Occasionally, a stranger comes upon the place where I sit. We engage in casual conversation, during which we discover that desolate places appeal to both of us. And that commonality creates a bond between us—two people who, otherwise, may be utterly unlike the other. Sometimes, in this reverie, I live in a small stone cottage just up the hill from the water’s edge. And sometimes I make coffee or brew tea to share with the stranger. Sometimes, the stranger is male; more often, she is a woman. These daydreams may be spontaneous or they may be the result of deliberate thought. They never have an “ending,” though. Perhaps that is intentional. Perhaps I want or need to know that rocky outcropping will always be available to me—a place I can take refuge when my emotions tell me I need a place to take shelter.

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Periods of the past come flooding back in the form of precious memories. But alongside those treasured moments are recollections of choosing between painful options, all of which left wounds that never heal. Foresight and hindsight collide in unpredictable ways that—with enough thought—could have been accurately forecast. Too little contemplation, too late, leaves a history strewn with shrapnel of unintended consequences and its accompanying regret.

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A few years ago, I briefly fostered a dog—Bob—who was a 50 or 60 pound Mountain Cur, a short-haired breed. He was a delightful dog, but his need for a lot of exercise and his tendency to pull me when I took him for a “walk” were enough to convince me he was not the dog for me. A smaller, less muscular, more sedentary dog would be more my style, I decided. Not long after I arranged for Bob to be sent to Connecticut to a waiting family, I was introduced to another dog, A.J. He was a tiny Shih Tzu who had been adopted by a woman, who would soon become mi novia, several years earlier. A.J. was gentle, friendly, and a non-shedding long-haired dog to whom I took an immediate liking. But he was already getting old when I met him and was suffering from ailments that would soon require him to be euthanized. We went without a pet for some time, but one day mi novia saw a Facebook post about a kitten, available for adoption at the nearby recycling center—she decided the kitten would be the ideal pet and I reluctantly agreed to adopt her. Soon thereafter, the cat showed signs of being pregnant; the veterinarian dealt with that and “fixed” the young cat. Since then, the long-haired, hyper-shedding kitten has taken over most of the house and leaves massive amounts of white fur on every surface. I am told cats tend to live long lives, so we can expect Phaedra (her name) to live for many more years. The lesson in this tale is that when one has had few pets and when one’s agreement to get another is “reluctant,” it deserves plenty of time for consideration before one’s agreement is confirmed.

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When I woke this morning, I was already tired. That fact made me think about the requirement for me to make frequent 8-hour trips to Houston if I participate in a clinical trial for drugs intended to slow the progress of lung cancer. The first month of the trial would require me to make four 16-hour+ round trips. Flying would involve a bit less time per trip, but the hassle would mimic or exceed driving. I suppose I could relocate to Houston for a month, but the cost of a hotel would be astronomical. I’ll just have to get used to the idea of a lot of highway travel, if I move forward with a clinical trial. Unless, of course, there are volunteers just ACHING to serve as my transportation. 🙂