Journalists are observers. Politicians are participants. Their functions in those roles shift back and forth, though. That is true of everyone. But most people tend toward one or the other. Even—especially—in social settings, people gravitate toward the role in which they are most comfortable. Or least uncomfortable. That tendency colors their perspectives on people who switch back and forth effortlessly between watcher and actor. People who seem simultaneously to be observers and participants often are seen by others as insincere or artificial.
These incompletely-formed thoughts have nowhere to go at the moment. They are simply scraps of nascent theories that attempt to offer answers to questions that may not have been properly asked.
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I cannot think lucidly this morning. That problem has become increasingly evident to me in recent months. Whether it arises from age or illness does not matter. What matters is that it makes me think I may be deteriorating mentally. And that’s where I get stuck. I do not know how to approach the situation; and whether “approaching the situation” is an appropriate response. I see the clues most clearly when I attempt to write this blog. I sit at the keyboard and am unable to corral my jumbled thoughts. My brain is a box that holds a knotted mass of tangled ideas, all of which are unrelated. I intentionally have steered clear of making my writing adhere to themes, because I want the freedom to think, without constraints, with my fingers. Maybe that’s it. Have I deliberately created a way of thinking that is utterly random and completely inescapable?
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This morning, I will rejoin the church men’s breakfast group after a long absence. Whether I continue to attend depends on my chemotherapy schedule and whether I feel well enough. We shall see. Later, I will attend a church board meeting. I suspect I will be primarily an observer—my normal style, amplified by my interest in keeping a low profile. My head is pounding again. Perhaps the recent dramatic reduction in the number and length of naps is the culprit. Time to take some pain-killing pharmaceuticals.
