Much of my “padding” is gone, thanks to significant weight loss over time. Sitting on a wooden bench at the Balboa Marina at lunch yesterday was extremely uncomfortable; there’s essentially no fat to cushion my bony butt from the hard surface. Every part of my body looks thin and gaunt, as if I have been intentionally starved for a long period of time. My skin, especially in those areas of the body where I’ve lost the most volume, drapes over my bones as if belongs to someone much larger than I. I guess, losing weight is not necessarily accompanied by shrinkage of the skin that once covered the now-gone fat.
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The clearest way to describe certain experiences may be this: my sense of self is engaging in a surreptitious battle, my body fighting a war with itself, in which there will be no victors. Those feelings can come upon me suddenly, with little or no warning. While I am otherwise feeling as close to normal as I ever get, suddenly my sense of comfort and safety is eclipsed by a combination of physical and mental assaults that seemingly come from nowhere. No matter how I respond to them, the results always seem to be the same: when I gain an advantage over one of the assailants, I lose ground against another one. The collective territory of lost ground, though, expands; the size of territorial gains continues to diminish. It is entirely possible that these sensations arise from fatigue; reacting to the onslaught by surrendering to the idea that the future is preordained. Intellectually, I reject the hypothesis that fate has a role to play in our lives. Emotionally—and irrationally—I sometimes play into the scenario that it does.
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I imagine spending time, alone, in a sizeable craft workshop/gardening shed where I pass time by puttering. I envision my endeavors transforming uninspiring landscapes into lush gardens, accented with items that arise from by my artistic expressions. There, I will remain isolated from the influences of the outside world—where war and famine and unprovoked hatred have sullied what could have been a beautiful environment.
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The morning sky has finally begun to lose its pall. The strip of sky visible to me from my study is brilliant blue, with evidence of intermittent thin clouds.
