I’ll start by acknowledging that my writing frequently (and intentionally) merges reality with fiction. People have told me they do not know whether, when they begin to read them, my blog posts are factual, fictional, or a combination thereof. But, even after reading a post from start to finish, the question sometimes remains. So, I’ll begin this post by confirming that it is intended to be a factual summary of what’s been going through my mind.
The last few days, on reflection, seem to run together as a single period, rather than each day its own unique moment in time. My memory combines those days into a swirl of numbness, withdrawal, elation, gratitude, regret, and other emotions too numerous to count and too complex to explain. Sleep commanded much of the time, beginning about mid-day a few days ago. I slept essentially all afternoon, then all night and into late the next day. That cycle continued, I think, the following day. Somewhere along the line, I missed a dinner arranged to celebrate my sister-in-law’s birthday. Between long, dream-infested periods of sleep, I spent my time silently observing the stillness around me, using that time to resurrect pleasant memories and dredge up incurable regrets.
And I watched a collection of videos my friend, Jim, had put together. He had asked friends from our joint work and social lives, along with a few other people he knew I had been/are still close to to record brief videos with their thoughts about me. Watching that collection of videos was an incredible emotional experience. After I watched it, it occurred to me that he probably did not ask some people who might have wanted to include a video…and some people probably could not submit a video for one reason or another. My assumption about the reasons Jim invested his time in creating the video “memento” is that he wanted to give me a meaningful gift before my time comes…whenever that is. If my assumption is right, he accomplished his objective many times over.
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Off for a bronchoscopy this morning.
