Death is a lonely experience—one that raises countless questions that cannot be answered. One cannot ask questions of people who can respond on the basis of personal experience. I find it hard to understand the concept that death is simply the cessation of all experience. But without relying on the “spiritual” or “supernatural,” I cannot understand what else it could be. And I do not accept the premise that acknowledgements of magic might trend toward understanding. I suspect these matters increasingly will be on my mind.
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My cancer-related pains have not become constant, nor excruciating, but they have become considerably more noticeable and more frequent. Fortunately, the pain management drugs have thus far been able to make pain manageable. But the speed with which levels of pain have increased in recent weeks is worrisome. My next visit with the oncologist will give me the opportunity to again ask about how rapidly may pains might worsen and what, if anything, that might tell us about how long I might have to live while pain is still tolerable.
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We have had visitors recently, a welcome divergence from getting too used to hours-long naps. Friends from Oklahoma arrived Thursday night and we have enjoyed conversations with them, ranging from discussions of current events to social and financial philosophies to travel to…on and on! It’s nice to be able to talk with people who understand the challenges we faced in the “old days” of one’s career…and whose interests and philosophies are so similar to our own. I have allowed myself to ignore my blog for many days during the past few weeks; I appreciate the patience of people who follow my writing…letting me have some time to back away from what has become a daily and occasionally unwelcome chore.
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I want to emerge from the depression that seems to have taken hold lately. It may not be depression, though; it may just be anxiety. Whatever it is, it paints most days a little too grey. Fortunately, mi novia is here to help me wade through it and make it better. I think the recent uptick in the frequency of medical visits may be responsible in part for my “bluesy” mood. That surge may be scaled back soon, though, after upcoming brain MRI scans, CT scans, PET scans, etc. These damn pains, though, keep requiring stronger drugs; the drugs apparently work, but they do not maintain their ability to alleviate pain without stronger and stronger prescriptions.
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It’s just a quarter after six. I think I’ll try to get some more sleep. I feel like the last two hours have been wasted on this blog post; I would have been more productive had I just stayed in bed.
Bev and Vicki, thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice with me. I always appreciate hearing reactions to what I write…even when I come across as a trained dullard. . Vicki, we really enjoyed having you and Jim with us for your short visit.
All the best to all three of you!
I think as we get closer to the time we know death is nearer than it once was, the reality as well as the mystery of it really starts to mean something. I expect your words will comfort others who ponder the same things right now. As for us it was wonderful to reminisce and have good conversation with like-minded friends. I wish you all good things.
While it’s always good to see a post here, I’m very glad that you don’t feel obligated to put up something every day, and that you prioritize spending time with family and friends. That’s as it should be. I was just thinking of that earlier this morning when an older friend who asked me to moderate her FB group, would much rather be spending time with her 78 year old husband than hanging out on social media adding to the wealth of some billionaire through her participation. Yup. I’ve come to feel that way as well, and much as I do write a lot on FB, I try to spend most of my time doing “other stuff” – in my case, putzing around outdoors or making art.
Sorry that you’re feeling increasing pain. Thankfully, there are pain management meds and you’ve probably got access to pain management specialists there. If so, do consult with them if you can as they are usually pretty helpful.