Thinking Things Through

Observing myself from the perspective of a moderately curious watcher, I see what once was a robust generator of power; a complex, dynamic engine. Its strength, though, has declined with time and a lack of maintenance. The thousands of miles of tiny wires—almost microscopic in size—beneath its surface now carry barely enough current from its weak battery to power its remaining electro-mechanical gears. The rest either are locked frozen or  broken and decayed, hidden from the casual observer. Other onlookers might see a “working” device, but I see a fragile, paper-thin metallic skeleton that, with the slightest tremor, could break into a tangled mass of wire fragments and shattered gears. I dredge my memory for recollections of the moment when my inattention and the passage of time joined forces to set the course for irreversible decline. No matter how hard I try, I cannot pinpoint a single critical threshold. Any one of the matchsticks or dominoes or toothpicks I used to construct the generator that became my lifetime—or every one of them—could be the one to finally give way. But perhaps there was no design flaw. Maybe the tipping point was, instead, an explosive suggestion triggered by an age-related timer. Or a container of flammable ideas set alight by fiery rhetoric. I wonder, though, whether anything causes the arc to bend and plummet in a downward spiral? Is it simply a natural cycle, one for which we celebrate the beginning, but not the end?

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Life would be so much less stressful if all human beings were to agree that bacon, eggs, and pancakes for breakfast is the universal cure for ennui…and that menu were readily available to (and desired by) all the people. I would be satisfied with an alternative menu…maybe congee or miso soup or papaya, for example…if everyone else would agree to it.

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My oncologist’s nurse told us yesterday that the oncologist (who we did not speak with yesterday) had mentioned to her that she thinks I might be thinking about stopping all chemo treatments. Maybe I inadvertently suggested that to her? I’m curious about the oncologist’s take on that course of action…how might that change things for me? Until such a possibility begins to seem like an actual option, decisions about the future feel like fantasy fiction. But, then, such decisions take on an entirely different dimension; irreversible reality. Flippancy no longer flows quite as easily.

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Today is the birthday of one of my brothers…the second birthday among my siblings this month. And this month follows on a month (May) in which another family member (a nephew) had a birthday. And, of course, mi novia had a birthday just days ago. I’m changing my attitude about birthdays, I think; we should celebrate them with vigor! The more I think about birthdays, the more I appreciate how much they mean to those who have them and to those who know others that have them.

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It’s late. I think I’ll have a piece of watermelon to celebrate, thanks to someone special.