U.S. culture generates an inherent nervousness in us. Fears of judgment, ranging from mild disapproval to rabid condemnation, shape our behaviors. We are an uptight culture, bred to color between the lines and closely observe cultural mores and behave accordingly. Men are indoctrinated to limit evidence of their emotions. Their penalty for expressing emotions is ridicule, at the least. From there, it rises to mockery, taunting, becoming a social outcast, and even physical intimidation. Women, on the other hand, are rewarded for revealing their emotions, though it would not be a surprise to learn that base male behaviors cross gender lines. People who do not identify as binary probably are subject to much more intense psychological (and physical) attacks. Transforming cultures into supportive networks is a pipe-dream, I am afraid. At least within a lifetime. Ach.
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Forty-three minutes elapsed between the time I woke this morning and the moment I sat at my desk to think and write and wonder. During that time, I peed, clothed myself in sweats, fed the cat, took my morning pills, brewed a tiny cup of espresso, and trudged into my office—carrying an Ensure nutrition shake, a bottle of Propel electrolyte water, my espresso, and my phone, while steadying myself with a cane. All that time…for such simple tasks that should have taken less than twenty minutes in total. How is it, I wonder, that my movements feel constrained, as if I had been slogging through a kiddie pool filled with cold blackstrap molasses? Is this the way old age feels? Or are the sensations I feel the results of some temporary effects of poisons circulating—deliberately—in my bloodstream? I like to think the latter, as I am not sure I can tolerate them from now on. Time. Time will tell. Or time will tease.
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We’ve had the same ideas, the same thoughts. But we’ve been afraid to express them. That’s true of so many people. We subscribe to the limits placed on us for no legitimate reason, just because it’s easier than contesting them.
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There is so much more on my mind this morning, but I do not have the energy to express many of my ideas and opinions. One day, perhaps I will open up and say exactly what I think. That might offend a lot of people, but it might be welcomed by a lot of others. Time. May. Tell.
