Hmm. I seem to have walked away from my computer a few hours ago without posting what I wrote earlier this morning. Since then, I’ve gone to my blood-letting appointment, driven (yes, I DROVE) mi novia to a little bakery for baked goods (what else?), and had a welcome surprise visit from a friend who brought us spectacular goodies and wonderful conversation! A pretty packed morning for a frequently-fatigued geezer, I’d say. My anticipated energy boost has returned, so I’ll be ready for my post-chemo injection in a couple of hours. I feel like I’ve shed about 20 years! I must take advantage of my temporary youth while I can, before the poison cancer-killing chemicals reclaim me as their plaything.
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The patch of brilliant yellow and brown and chartreuse leaves I viewed less that a week ago, all on one tree across from my window, has changed. Essentially all the leaves on that tree have turned orange—accented with light green slivers. The rest of the forest snapshot remains various shades of green, interspersed with browning leaves. Fall is here, at least in part. But even the recent spike in temperatures is expected to decline again in the next few days, just in time to pair the look of Halloween with the feel of the season.
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I expected to feel rather energetic for a few days after yesterday’s chemotherapy treatment, as has been the case after previous ones. But this morning, my energy seems to be trending downward; not low, but heading in that direction. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had nothing to eat or drink since around 8 last night, in preparation for the fasting labs in a while, which in turn precede my annual physical next Tuesday. Aside from reaffirming the cancer diagnosis, I wonder what the doctor will discover? I can imagine him saying,
“You, sir, are suffering age-related degeneration! It’s time for you to give drunken sky-diving a whirl! Or might find considerable appeal in Formula 1 racing. Depending on your risk tolerance, you may want to explore dueling with live-round pistols. Something, anything, to drag you out of this physical funk—or whatever it is.“
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A calculator, which I have not used in a very long time, sits on the edge of my desk, taking up room unnecessarily. Next to it are two pen & pencil holders, filled with pencils and pens (of course), long with scissors, a highlighter, a screwdriver, and some small tools that were used to assemble a treadmill. Most of the contents, like the calculator, have not been used in quite some time. The rest of the desk is littered with paper for recycling, paper for filing, old and useless magazines, and assorted other materials and devices that belong somewhere else or nowhere at all. Clearing off the desk would not be an especially onerous task, but it would require me to make decisions to either discard or properly store the stuff. But that would be pointless, wouldn’t it? It would simply give me ample space to lazily place other unnecessary junk in my way. I need an infusion of permanent motivation. Perhaps I can persuade my oncologist to add some to the bags full of chemicals her staff causes to drip into my body every three weeks. The steroids, alone, seem to have lost their power.
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Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.
~ Carl Jung ~
