I take pleasure in knowing that I enjoy certain things that have outlived their brief periods of being cool. Is it perverse pleasure? I don’t know. You tell me. Here is what I am hearing about the now out-of-vogue stuff I like and my responses/comments:
- I am SO over pomegranate in EVERYTHING! I am not over it; I love pomegranate in pretty much anything. Within reason. That aside, your deep-seated need to be a trend-setter causes me to vomit; just thought you’d want to know.
- I am SO sick of hearing about the edginess of “Orange is the New Black!” Get over it and try something new! Bite me. It’s one of the only things on television I can stand.
- Hatch chile MADNESS is so yesterday! Admittedly, the wildly capitalistic foodies who achieved a capsaicin-and-cash-induced orgasm when they reached into your wallet did go a bit overboard, but that does not deter me from really, really enjoying Hatch chiles.
- The revival of classic cocktails was a flash in the pan; micro-brews are what’s cool now. Hmmm. If I like it, I drink it. I like classic cocktails. I like micro-brews. I like what I like. Your measure of hip is irrelevant to me, as are you. So, to summarize: horse shit.
- Fondue? Oh, please! No? All right, then, can I offer you some pre-digested beef-and-corn meatballs?
- Nehru jackets? Are you kidding? I’ve never had one. I’ve wanted one since the 1970s. I like their style; it’s the closest to style I’ll ever get. As for you, you’d look good in a strait-jacket.
- You remember cargo shorts — the circa ’97 type that you could use to store everything from lunch leftovers to a small child. Yeah, well, those are so two decades ago… That was a direct quote. Well, f&@k him! I’m rather partial to cargo shorts, mofo; try to take them away from me, I’ll store your corpse in the side pocket.
- Sweatpants in public– Unless you’re going to the gym, avoid wearing sweats out in public. You’re not wearing them to look your best, you’re wearing them because you’re lazy. Another direct quote; number 23 of 40 men’s fashion mistakes to avoid. No, axxhole, I am wearing them because they’re comfortable and it’s too chilly for cargo shorts. You don’t like them? Cover your sensitive eyes with something; here, use my ice pick.
- Oh, God, would you stopping photographing your food?! It’s gross! Only after you stop breathing; breathing does not become you. I didn’t start taking photos of food because I thought it was fashionable and I won’t stop because you think it’s not.
- Blogging? How quaint. Do people actually read them anymore? I’m all about quaint. You prefer releasing your personal data through Snapchat?
OK, with that all said, I have to admit there are times when I want to follow the trend. That I must admit such a fundamental flaw of character is an embarrassment of monumental proportions; I’d rather say, and mean, I don’t give a shit what other people think. Well, that’s not right, either. I care what people who matter to me think; I just wish they wouldn’t think shallowness matters. And I wish I wouldn’t think it matters.
See, the way I WANT to be is this: if long hair and round wire-rimmed glasses are “in” and I like them, I want to feel good about liking them. If they’re “out” and I like them, I want to feel good about liking them. And that goes with everything else. Almost everything else. Many other things. Some other things. A few other things. Well. Maybe.