“Senator, I have maniacal plans for after the revolution. And you will play a significant and deeply crimson part in them; your crimson splash will be an especially welcome sight to the people you injured with your policies and your greed. I expect you will be surprised to see the brigade pass beneath your windows, but even more shocking will be the pitchforks and razor-sharp machetes. Be forewarned, mi amigo, Desiderata and his minions will cause you struggle and strife and, ultimately, will extract the final price for your arrogant display of sociopathy.”
So said the note attached to the missive sent by Express Mail to Senator Bobolink Trazsmucker a week after the fated election. The message, mailed from New Port Richey, Florida, was difficult to decipher. Megan Carmunkle, Trazsmucker’s chief of staff, wrote it off as a prank. But Senator Trazsmucker was terrified. So terrified, in fact, that he sent Governor Rectomscott this message:
“Governor, I believe my life has been threatened. Please do what you can to afford police protection to my family and me.”
Rectomscott responded to the plea with a message of his own: “Senator Trazsmucker, your request will be handled in the order in which it was received. Please be patient while the State of Florida responds to literally tens of millions of citizen questions posed long before you had reason to ask yours and well before you and your wife were married and, later, divorced. Actually, the questions began the moment you were born. The first question was, ‘why’ and we have yet to answer it.”
Just as Trazsmucker was about to dash off his enraged response, a red-hot branding iron, thrust upon the top of his bald scalp, seared the following message into the crown of his head: Live, from New Port Richey, it’s your worst nightmare.
[Author’s note: Yes, I realize some of you might think I’m crazy. And you may be right. I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for. ;-)]