Permanent Emptiness

There’s a hole in the universe, an empty spot that cannot be filled.

My beautiful wife, the woman whose smile was more magnificent and more genuine than any other I have ever seen, died last night.

After I got the call, I called her sister to ask if she wanted to make one last visit to see her; she did. So we drove to the hospital and went to see my wife. It was the last time I will ever see her.

I have so much to say about my wife, but I am so empty that I cannot put words down.

One day, I hope soon, I will write about her. In the meantime, I will contemplate a permanent emptiness and the incredible beauty that once filled it. And the treasure inside me that my wife created simply by loving me and allowing me to love her.

About John Swinburn

"Love not what you are but what you may become."― Miguel de Cervantes
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18 Responses to Permanent Emptiness

  1. Mick says:

    John, we are so sorry to hear your loss of Janine. Your love for her has shown so bright these last weeks and days. Gail & Mick

  2. Hope says:

    Damn. I’m so sorry.

  3. nonnapup says:

    In my heart, my friend.

  4. Marilyn Matzek says:

    John, I certainly did not expect to be writing to you again this soon. Let me share something our daughter’s hospice nurse told us at the time of her death. A group of friends had come to the house immediately, and her 2 year old son didn’t understand the gravity of what was going on. Because there were so many people, he thought it was a party. He started skipping around the coffee table singing…..My Mommy died, my mommy died, my mommy died. I was embarrassed to no end, and attempted to stop him. The hospice nurse stopped me and told me this: Everyone grieves in their own way and everyone’s grief should be respected, as it is. While he may not understand what’s going on, everyone else needs to know that grief has to come out, and anything is appropriate, be it singing, crying, screaming, swearing or whatever. Most important is to not feel you have to grieve by any of societies norms. Just get it out. She closed with “if it’s legal, it’s okay.” I’m so sorry John that you’re going through this “HELL”, but you’ll be okay. Give yourself time.

  5. ROGER MACK says:

    so sorry john. i do remember her smile.

  6. Tara says:

    John, as you know, I don’t stop by here that often, so I didn’t realize how dire things had become. I feel as if I’ve been kicked in the chest. It is so painful to watch your beloved as the life flows out of her body. She is freed from her pain, and your pain is all consuming. It is a deep and terrible ache. I say, let the tears flow! They may come to you at surprising times. Rest as much as possible and know that there are many who were charmed by Janine (and you) and will have wonderful memories of her, forever.

  7. JoAnn says:

    John, I’m so very sorry to hear about your wife. My heart and prayers are with you.

  8. John, my heartfelt sympathies on the loss of Janine.

  9. Candis Robinson says:

    So very sorry. You are both in my prayers.

  10. Pat Newcomb says:

    Imagine all of us sitting next to you, quietly, in sadness for your loss.

  11. Bob McCleskey says:

    John, our heartfelt sympathies are sent to you in this time of your huge loss. Bob & Marjorie

  12. warrens1or2 says:

    John, the emptiness you are experiencing now will soon fill with wonderful memories that will keep Janine with you as long as you are. Be glad in those memories, keep them alive and close. Warren

  13. Kim Townsan says:

    John, you are surrounded by love … we will alway remember Janine with that beautiful warm smile.

  14. Bev says:

    So sorry, John. I have no words other than, “I understand.” Take care. b

  15. Patty Dacus says:

    So beautifully said, John. My heart is so heavy for you dear friend. A thousand arms are surrounding you and hugging so tight and your beautiful Janine is at the center of them all.

  16. Larry Zuckerman says:

    John I am sorry for your loss. Sending sympathy and love from NYC.

  17. robin andrea says:

    John I am so sorry for your loss. All the words I can think of to type here don’t seem enough. We send our deepest sympathies from our hearts to yours. May her memory always be for a blessing.

  18. Deanna Tolliver says:

    Oh John. Our hearts ache for you. Deanna

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