Author Archives: John Swinburn

I struggle with my tendency to shoot from the hip from time to time. The occasional misfires can cause me, and people in my sphere, discomfort I do not intend but that flows from my actions, nonetheless. There’s value in … Continue reading →

Yesterday, a friend arrived for a visit. We spent the afternoon talking and wondering whether the rain would stop. When it did, we went to dinner at a lakeside restaurant; beautiful view, good service, tolerable but disappointing meal (for me). … Continue reading →

Another few tidbits from my little book, The Essence of Zen: Past and future are illusions. They exist only in the present, which is what there is and all that there is. ~Alan Watts~ Solitude is freedom. It is an … Continue reading →

Once again, I woke late this morning. When I opened my eyes, the view challenged the majesty of an enormous and elaborate stained-glass window in a church sanctuary. The sun had only begun to brighten the sky, cloudless but awash … Continue reading →

For the first time in my memory, I measured the two surgical scars on the front of my torso. Both are roughly seven inches long. Though I can’t readily reach the scar that runs from my back around the side … Continue reading →

As we age, we lose pieces of ourselves. In our youth, we could not conceive of the losses. How could it possibly be, we silently but mockingly wondered, that something so crucial to our sense of self could disappear into … Continue reading →

The simultaneous intersections of a host of experiences of emotional and analytical experiences in my mind have, once again, highlighted significant flaws. That is, which ones can be repaired and which of the shattered and broken pieces should simply be … Continue reading →

My mother, a career English teacher who earned her master’s degree in English, was something of a grammar Nazi. That, no doubt, is part of the reason sometimes I am so particular with language. However, I am happy to ignore … Continue reading →

Yesterday, I posted a rather silly comment on Facebook, ruing the fact that I was robbed of my Mexican heritage by having been born an Anglo. My “silly” comment, though, was based on my real admiration for and appreciation of … Continue reading →

Libido. One of the definitions of the word is: all of the instinctual energies and desires that are derived from the id. Id is defined as the part of the psyche, residing in the unconscious, that is the source of … Continue reading →

Yesterday was the last official “class” that dealt with spiritual practices (AKA  “deeply introspective and appreciative examinations of the world and sometimes moments of unspeakable gratitude”). But there was talk about continuing the group as a means of prolonging the … Continue reading →

The time is approaching 6:00 a.m. The remaining half of the first cup of coffee is cooling too fast. Or I’m drinking it too slow. Last night’s dishes, some of which I uncharacteristically left in the sink, now are either … Continue reading →

People express their fragility in different ways. For some, their brittleness seems spun from delicate, almost invisible, strands of molten glass. They seem at risk of shattering into sandy powder in the slightest breeze. Others, though, attempt to hide weakness … Continue reading →

The unexamined life is not worth living. ~Socrates~ Since my wife died, I’ve read quite a lot about grief. I don’t know what I expected to learn; perhaps how to get through it and get on with my life. But … Continue reading →

I just spent an hour writing a post that will linger in my drafts folder until I finally decide the post should be euthanized. That’s how I managed to have 455 incomplete posts in my drafts folder. And that’s after … Continue reading →

This morning, I rinsed off the soap and shampoo and stood under the showerhead, luxuriating in hot water. I always finish my showers by increasing the water temperature until it’s just barely tolerable; that leaves me feeling especially refreshed. I … Continue reading →

Before I get into yesterday’s failures, I want to soak in the beauty of this morning’s sunrise. The mist clinging like a cloud to a distant lake is grey and purple, colored by the sun’s rays and the reflections from … Continue reading →

I am an occasional participant, but far more frequently I am simply a voyeur. I comment from time to time, but usually I just watch and absorb and wish my life were a little more like the ones I observe. … Continue reading →

There is poetry in all of us, whether we know it or believe it or not. Some of the poetry is stunning in its beauty and its clarity. Last night, I received a poem from a friend (who wrote the … Continue reading →

My attitudes about so many aspects of life have changed during the past few years. Perhaps retirement is responsible. Or maybe it’s a combination of retirement and the fact that I’m more at ease, not having to face the daily … Continue reading →

Something is on my mind, something solemn, dreary, and depressing. But I do not know just what it is. I know only that there’s something buried within my brain and behind my heart—a dark and upsetting event or idea or … Continue reading →

I wrote most of what follows much earlier today. But the day fractured into pieces and went in different directions. And so did I. I went to church to meet a man who refurbishes parking lots. I walked Bob. Friends … Continue reading →

People want to matter. They want to believe they have a purpose for being alive. Something beyond simply basking in enjoyable experiences and accumulating things of value and money. Most people want more than that. But for some, all that … Continue reading →

Finally, after 9 a.m., I am able to sit—however briefly—at my computer. I sit here attempting to write something other than my usual drivel. But nothing comes. Not even the drivel. I wish I could write a poem; sometimes, writing … Continue reading →

I learned of Bob’s fear of thunder and lightning when I felt his paws pulling at the sheet. He was trying to climb up into bed with me. I succeeded in preventing it, but moments later—when a bright flash of … Continue reading →

I did not do a very good job of taking a picture, but this image should illustrate reasonably well what the urn I had made for Janine’s ashes looks like. Her favorite color was purple, so I had the urn … Continue reading →

I want to make an appointment with a surgeon. I need to find one who will do a lobotomy, no questions asked. Cash only. No record of the patient’s name, address, gender, race, hair color, eye color. Nothing. Just a … Continue reading →

The clock claims the hour is 6:00 a.m., but I know better. The time actually is an hour earlier. But what, exactly, is a moment in “time?” Could I label this very instant in time as 5:37 p.m., adjusting all … Continue reading →

A year ago, panic buying of toilet paper had begun. Grocery store shelves had been stripped of dried beans and rice. When a herd mentality, driven by fear of the unknown, begins to evolve, intelligence tends to slip beneath the … Continue reading →

This morning’s moment of awe came when I paid close attention to the act of swallowing my daily dose of tablets and pills. Having very little patience, I do not swallow them one by one. Instead, I pour them into … Continue reading →

My first blog was entitled Musings from Myopia. The second one was Brittle Road. The third, It Matters Deeply. Those three, plus this one, are the only ones with any significant substance. A few others, each only one or two … Continue reading →

When we are unsure of the directions our lives should take, everyone in our spheres want to become compasses. No matter how different we are from one another, the fact that we belong to the same species suggests we should … Continue reading →

The unlit day was cloudy, cool, and windy as I wrote this. I knew these weather conditions from experience, because Bob already had insisted on going outside into the dark. I assumed he needed to relieve himself, but it seems … Continue reading →

A few days ago, the decision my late wife and I made to skip the joys and obligations of parenthood was a subject of my observations. Today, I am at least the temporary caretaker of a fifty-four pound lap dog … Continue reading →

The decision to have children is, to many and perhaps most people, no more a decision than is growing hair. It is viewed as the inevitable outcome of maturation; the natural process of replenishing and enlarging the herd. Contravening the … Continue reading →

Dr. Fauci and another medical specialist used a word in response to interview questions yesterday that sounded, to me, a bit “stuffy.” The word is “efficacious,” a synonym for which is “effective.” Had I been the one speaking to the … Continue reading →

Given that I seriously doubt I’ll have either the time or the inclination to write tomorrow morning, I’m writing Friday morning’s post on Thursday afternoon, instead. The possibility exists that I will write tomorrow, as well, but if not, I’m … Continue reading →

A chilling news item was posted twelve hours ago on the BBC.com website. The article indicates that thirteen of twenty-five people traveling in a Ford SUV were killed near Imperial, California when the vehicle pulled directly into the path of … Continue reading →

I Care a Lot was not on my list of films to watch. Netflix simply stuck it in my face as I was beginning the process of sorting through entertainment options available on the platform. Too lazy to make my … Continue reading →

My Sunday evening continued, even after I wrote about finishing Hinterland and my experiences over the past few days. Despite feeling tired and ready for sleep, I opted to stay up, thinking I would begin watching Hillbilly Ellegy and finish … Continue reading →

During the past several days, my budding social life (such as it is) blossomed into a garden. Dinner on Wednesday, followed by wine and hors d’oeuvres on Thursday, followed by two delightful hours with a good friend on Friday, culminating … Continue reading →

Considering the number of times I mention BBC.com in my posts, one might think I have stock in BBC. I don’t, but perhaps I should. Just this morning, I read a piece about Yaupon and learned that it is North … Continue reading →

I control an incredibly small section of a tiny slice of an almost impossibly minuscule fragment of a microscopic piece of the universe. My control is equivalent to the power over the gravitational pull of the sun possessed by a … Continue reading →

I awoke in front of the television some time ago, just before 3:30, a full glass of wine sitting on the table beside me. I turned off the television, wondering how much of the series, Hinterland, I missed. And I … Continue reading →

The prospective buyer of my 2002 Camry was doing her due diligence yesterday afternoon. She asked me whether she could take the car to a mechanic to have it checked out. I agreed. But something went awry. I wasn’t there, … Continue reading →

With enormous thanks to JoAnn, who yesterday met me in a hospital parking lot to notarize a document, my to-do list became a tad shorter. Afterward, I did another couple of errands and, by the time I got home to … Continue reading →

Apparently, lab work is required before my routine CT scans, which take place before my regular visits with my oncologist. I guess I vaguely recall that to be the case. But when I got a call to schedule my CT … Continue reading →

The rare recollections from my youth—mostly a lengthy period about which memories seem to be deeply hidden—sometimes occur with absolutely no “trigger.” That is, I cannot determine why I suddenly remember an incident or an emotional experience from my childhood. … Continue reading →

SORRY. I intended to save this, not to post it. It was to be a draft I might have posted later today. But by hitting the wrong button, I ruined it.  Please ignore. The words of experience and pain and … Continue reading →